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The doorbell rings, Hanbin gets up from his couch and walks to the door before opening it.
"Hey, sorry I'm late, I had to go back because I forgot my phone home." Hao says, still trying to catch his breath.
Hanbin chuckles, stepping aside to let him come in. "It's fine, don't worry. How are you?"
"Breathless, but okay, today was hectic…" Hao sighs while taking his shoes and coat off. "You?"
Hanbin grabs the coat and hangs it. "Pretty good, finally finished studying that horrible chapter."
"Oh that's something we can celebrate !" Hao grabs the pack of soju bottles he has in his plastic bag and shows it proudly.
Hanbin looks at him and smiles. "You know how to speak to me."
Hanbin sets everything on the coffee table, he already ordered a bunch of different food for them to eat while chatting.
This is a typical friday night for them, Hao and Hanbin have been friends for years now. They come as a pair: inseparable, always found together at any crime scenes.
They know each other perfectly, every habits, every preferences, every secrets.
All of them?
Hao unpacks the soju bottles and puts all of them on the floor next to the table before sitting down.
"It smells so good, I'm so hungry," he says while looking at everything on the table, unable to choose with what he should start.
Hanbin sits next to him, putting a bowl and chopsticks in front of him. "Me too, I have considered eating without you," he mocks, grabbing one of the soju bottles.
Hao sticks his tongue out and starts picking some food. "Hey you haven't watched the last episode of With you forever right?"
Hanbin freezes, pressing his lips together as he slowly turns to Hao. "I'm so sorry…"
"Hanbin !" Hao whines and pouts. "You promised to wait for me."
"I'm sorry !" Hanbin joins his hands together like a prayer. "Jaehyun made me watch with him," he says, pouting too like it could save him.
Hao feels something sting in his heart but tries to ignore it. "Oh," he replies with a little smile and focuses back on his food. "I haven't watched it, don't spoil me."
"I won't, promise," Hanbin says while opening a bottle, he then pours soju in their shot glasses. "Here, drink."
Hao doesn't wait for Hanbin to finish talking, he takes his glass and drinks everything in one go. Hanbin watches with concern but stays silent.
They eat, talk and laugh together like every time they have a little gathering like this. Hanbin keeps making jokes and Hao can't help but laugh at them, even the ones that aren't funny. The food slowly disappear from the table, as well as the soju bottles.
"Oh, did Matthew tell you what happened in class last week?" Hanbin asks, picking a few meat pieces with his chopsticks while he talks.
Hao shakes his head, sitting closer to the other now. Hanbin looks at him silently for a instant, then talks again.
"The teacher showed something on his screen to the whole class," Hanbin starts while Hao plays mindlessly with the hem of his sleeping short. "He was changing the slides and then a picture of him and his family came up on the big screen."
Hao chuckles, eyes focused on his own hands, he gently brushes the warm skin of Hanbin's thigh with his thumb.
"Hey," Hanbin puts his hand on Hao's. "Hum.. We shou-"
Hao looks like he's been pulled out from a dream, he quickly yanks his hand away. "Sorry, I was somewhere else."
A little silence sits, it's usual for them to stay together and not talk, it was always comforting. But right now there is something else behind this silence, something unsettling. Hao pours himself another shot of soju and empties his glass faster than the last one.
"He should have been embarrassed," Hao says quietly and looks at him again. "Your teacher."
Hanbin reacts a bit too late, he smiles. "Huh, yes, totally. He was so red, poor him." Hanbin mindlessly starts to pile up the empty bowls and plates. "Are you okay? You seem like out of it.."
Hao puts his empty glass back on the coffee table. "Yes, I'm just- just tired I think," he mutters.
"Me too, studying that much really kills me," Hanbin sighs. "I try to stay straight on my chair but always end up all crooked, my back hurts like hell."
Hao looks at him, feeling selfish. "Turn around," he says softly with a little smile.
Hanbin waits a second before obeying and turning around, Hao scoots closer and starts to gently massage Hanbin's shoulders, like they used to do to each other after dance practice when they were younger.
Hanbin closes his eyes, instantly relaxed, there is something about Hao's touch that feels healing. He leans back instinctively while Hao rubs his neck muscles.
Hao has to blink a few times, the alcohol starts to mess with his brain real bad, making him feel like he's in a dream. Like in most of his dreams Hanbin's skin feels so warm and soft, so his curious fingers slips under the collar of his shirt, pretending needing more access to massage him better.
"How is it?" Hao asks, voice low.
"Fucking good," the other whispers, alcohol hitting him too as he lets his hands fall on Hao's bare legs.
Hao smiles again, pressing his thumbs just hard enough in his muscles to relieve pain. It's not the first time Hao gets to touch Hanbin like this, but somehow now it feels really intimate, and the little satisfied noises Hanbin lets out really mess with his mind.
He's in a dream right? He can do anything he wants in a dream?
Hao's eyes are fixed on the bare skin of his neck, he never got to taste it, and he wants to. So Hao leans slowly, hands falling on the middle of Hanbin's back, still massaging as he presses a little kiss on his shoulder.
Hanbin turns his head slightly, just enough to catch a glimpse of Hao. And since he doesn't move, Hao keeps going. He adds another small kiss above, another one near his neck, another one under his ear.
They are almost facing each other now, Hao could feel Hanbin's breath falling on his own mouth, he smells alcohol but doesn't care at all. This dream feels right, like it should be like this all the time. His eyes ends on Hanbin's lips and without thinking about it Hao just leans forward, determined to do what he's been waiting for for months, years even? He can't remember.
Hanbin doesn't move at first, his heart accelerate as he watches Hao come closer while his mind keeps saying that it's wrong.
An inch stays between them when Hanbin finally turns his head away, cheeks red.
Hao gets pulled back to reality again so fast. "I-" But he doesn't continue, he just shifts away from Hanbin who just turns back to face the table again.
The silence deepens, it feels so weird and they never encountered something like this before. Hanbin starts to feel restless, he gets up to put everything in the kitchen. His mind is racing with so many things, trying desperately to find a conversation to start because this silence is suffocating.
His eyes falls on the Polaroid picture hanging on his fridge, before giving any second thought he grabs it and walks to Hao again.
"Look, we found this place with Jaehyun, we shoul-" Hanbin starts, but he stops when he sees Hao's eyes full of tears.
That name again, it sting everytime Hanbin pronounces it. Hao can't fight the wave of sadness drowning him and tears start to fall uncontrollably on his cheeks.
"Hao?" Hanbin puts the picture on the table and kneels down. "What's wrong?"
Hao can't reply, the words disappeared. His eyes follows Hanbin's move unconsciously and when he sees the picture everything shatters in him, they look so happy together.
Hao should be happy for his friend, Hanbin finally found someone to love and be happy with.
So why does it hurt that fucking bad?
Hao starts sobbing harder, one of his hand clenching to his heart because the pain feels too real. It should be him in that picture. It should be him with Hanbin. It should be him.
"Can.." Hao says between two sobs. "Can you hug me?" He turns to look at Hanbin, eyes so full of tears he can't even see him properly. "If you don't hug me right now I think I might fall apart," he whispers, hopping Hanbin understood his drunk and sad voice.
Like a hug is going to change anything, but Hao doesn't care, he's selfish and needs to feel Hanbin against him.
And Hanbin doesn't wait, he gets them both up and pulls Hao in a tight hug.
Hao still falls apart, he could feel himself tremble in Hanbin's arms, sobbing uncontrollably like a child who just lost his favorite toy. Hao lost something he never had and that hurts more than anything in the world. Mourning a relationship that never existed.
Everything hurts, and the fact that Hanbin is still so kind with him hurts even more. He is everywhere, running in his mind, his hands rubbing gently his hair and back, his voice trying to soothe him, and too present in his heart. Does that even makes sense? Hao doesn't know, his mind is so fuzzy and he feels dizzy.
He is tired. So, so tired.
—
Hao wakes up with the worst headache ever. His eyes take a moment to accommodate to the dim light piercing through the blinds, he doesn't recognize the place at first, it takes him a few seconds to register that it's… Hanbin's bedroom?
Hao sits up, holding his head like it's going to make the pain disappear, he looks everywhere but Hanbin isn't here. Hao takes his time to get up, he frowns when he sees the clothes his wearing, because they are not his.
Some noise in the kitchen catches his attention, he exits the bedroom and goes to the kitchen, Hanbin is up and busy making breakfast.
"Sorry, did I wake you?" he asks, voice still a bit rough as he looks up to him.
Hao shakes his head and regrets immediately, hissing at the pain. When he opens back his eyes a glass of water and a pill appears in front of him. He looks up to Hanbin who just smiles and takes the pain med, emptying the glass so fast.
"How are you feeling?" Hanbin fills up two bowls with rice and scrambled eggs.
"Like shit." Hao instantly replies, sitting on the couch. "I don't remember anything…"
"Yeah you.. drank a lot." Hanbin simply says, bringing the food on the table.
"Sorry," Hao says, pressing his lips together. "How drunk was I?"
Hanbin sits on the couch next to Hao and waits a second before speaking.
"You tried to kiss me," he says, eyes drifting on Hao's face discreetly.
Hao sighs, rubbing his face with his hands. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have drank that much. I don't know what I had in mind…" He could feel his cheeks heat up so fast.
A little silence sits, more comfortable than the ones last night. Hanbin opens and closes his mouth two or three times before finally speaking.
"I only stopped you because you were drunk," he says, making Hao look at him. "I want you to remember our first kiss." It's his own cheeks now who heats up.
Hao analyzes everything in Hanbin's face, unable to tell if he was joking or not. "What?" he asks as his heart betrays him and starts to beat faster.
Hanbin smiles shyly. "You heard me."
"But, what about your.." Hao stops, weirdly he can't say this word.
Hanbin sighs. "I know, I-" he pauses, searching for his words. "I don't want to be with him anymore, it's not working."
Hao takes a second to register everything. "You are so happy when you talk about him, I don't understand."
"It can't work if I love someone else," Hanbin blurts out, looking down. "I realized not long ago that I was lying to myself all this time," he says.
Hao swallows dry, his heart stings again. "Who?" he asks, not even sure he wants to know the answer.
"My other half," Hanbin hints.
Hao could swear he felt his heart stop for a second. "What?"
"I was blinded by our friendship, but I realized not long ago. That day when we were with Matthew and Gyuvin by the river, I made the shittiest joke ever and you laughed so hard. I just- I realized I was so lucky to have you and that maybe I wasn't seeing you as a friend anymore and you were so-"
Hanbin is cut by Hao pressing their lips together, softly, tenderly, like Hao was scared of his own action. It only last a second but Hanbin could've spent his lifetime here in this moment. After a moment, Hao slowly leans back, waiting for a reaction.
"-so pretty that day," Hanbin just says, eyes planted in Hao's as a smile curves their lips simultaneously.
Hanbin erases the space between them again, a hand falling on Hao's cheek as he kisses him. They can't stop smiling against each other's lips. Hao deepens the kiss, just to make sure everything it's real, he finally leans back for some air at one point.
"I love you Zhang Hao," Hanbin mutters, a smile glued to his lips.
"I love you too Sung Hanbin," Hao replies.
Hao doesn't have to mourn this something he never had anymore, he must cherish what he has now.
Who said that dreams can't become reality?
***