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It was dark. So, so dark. And cold.
Jupiter could just make out the small speck that was the sun, seemingly infinitely far away. From this distance, it only appeared marginally larger than the other stars in the background, flickering softly.
As hard as he tried to imagine the feeling of the warm rays shining on him, his body still trembled from the bitter cold that seemed to seep into his core.
Well, he'd better get used to it.
He deserved this. This was his long-overdue punishment. X had survived in these conditions for billions of years, and Jupiter couldn't even last, what, a few weeks? He had no right to complain, and no right to go back and ask to return to the solar system, when he clearly had no place there anymore.
So he stayed where he was, silently staring into the cosmos.
Jupiter knew the consequences of staying here. He was well aware that X's gravity wouldn't be strong enough to protect the rocky planets; he probably wouldn't even think of it as a necessity.
So it was inevitable. Everything would go wrong, and Jupiter wouldn't be able to stop it. No, he wouldn't even try to. Something had changed within him out here. A sort of apathy that had only seemed to grow with every passing moment. A lack of care or regard for anyone around him, replaced by that bitter acceptance that this was his righteous punishment, and that he had no right to change a thing. He had no right to strip away the relief X must be feeling now that he got what he had wanted for so long. And any mistakes that X could have made in the solar system would be all Jupiter's fault, for if he hadn't thrown him out as a kid, X would know exactly how everything works, and he would have a place and role in the system. He would be part of the precious balance that existed.
Jupiter had fucked up many times in his existence. And he knew that eventually everyone would leave. Everyone would hate him.
And now they finally hated him; he had seen their faces when they found out what he'd done so obviously they hated him. Jupiter had spent so long expecting this that it almost felt natural. It hurt, but it was what he deserved.
He just couldn't seem to realise that he had changed. The version he was now, he felt no different to that kid watching X getting launched out of the system, or to the responsible, wise role model he had sworn to be towards the rockies. He felt the same as ever. Just, lonelier.
What Jupiter did know was that X had changed.
X had always had that fire in his eyes. That recognisable courage and curiosity that Jupiter had turned down and threw away; the worst mistake he had ever made. But when he returned and looked, or rather, glared, at Jupiter for the first time in billions of years, Jupiter realised that they had hardened into something colder, more vicious and full of hatred.
Hatred for him.
For Jupiter.
Because of course it would be hate. All X had to do was hate, hate, hate, and Jupiter would soak it all in, smiling while his past caught up to him and he could start to let go of that pit in his core that reminded him every day: "You made it out with no consequences".
It hadn't been fair, and he felt it every day and longed for a way out. A way to repent for his actions and mistakes. To stop the guilt and rot that spread throughout his entire being. To get recognised for what he did and get a reasonable response.
And he finally got it, and that weight was lifted off his chest.
And left behind that cold, bittersweet emptiness.
It only grew colder as X made his way to the outer reaches of the solar system, yet the tears on his face felt warm.
If he was being completely honest, he wasn't aware that he could even cry anymore. The last time he had cried was so long ago, probably during the earlier stretch of his isolation, that he thought he had run out of tears to cry. Lost the ability to release his emotions in a healthy way.
So he had resorted to-
No. He couldn't think of those times.
It's not like he remembered much anyway. Those billions of years in isolation felt endless, yet looking back on them, they all went by in a blur.
On the topic of blurring, how was X meant to find Jupiter if his vision was clouded by tears that just wouldn't seem to stop coming?
Oh, right. Gravity.
A voice inside X told him to try not to feel his gravity; it would only take him back to that final moment before his ejection. Another voice told him that maybe it wouldn't. And that he had to. He had to find Jupiter.
They had to talk. And X didn't know how he forgot about that. He had been too blinded by anger to realise that he was the one who needed to bring up the opportunity to get closure.
He had his chance and he had completely ignored it.
But now Proteus had talked some sense into him. X finally realised that he shouldn't spend all his time filled with anger and hate, and that he should fix things. Even if only for himself.
He pushed forward, and finally felt that small tug from afar. And stars, it felt weird.
He had to stop for a moment to regain composure. There was no way he would show up still in tears, so he wiped them away and stood there, clenching his fists until the waterfall of emotions trickled down into just a small stream.
X took one final breath in, then continued walking towards Jupiter.
To say Jupiter didn't expect to feel another pull of gravity would be an understatement.
He felt that small, unmistakable tug and flinched so hard he could've sent an asteroid flying all the way to Earth's orbit.
Upon turning around, he saw X approaching him and could immediately tell something was wrong. Sure, he hadn't seen much of him in billions of years, but judging by his reaction during his return to the solar system, X wouldn't have happily decided to just...show up. Who would even want to see him right now? As much as he wanted it, he knew he didn't deserve it.
But still. He could dream.
Alongside the obvious remains of tears in his eyes (and down his face), any claims to confidence he could make would not be very convincing.
"X?"
"Jupiter." He came to a halt a few steps in front of him, pausing to take a breath before finally looking up into his eyes.
"We need to talk."
"You're...leaving?" This shouldn't have come as a surprise. Jupiter had already known that they would have to go their separate ways at some point. He just didn't realise it would be now.
X just smiled a little, as if this is what he wanted all along. Jupiter knew it wasn't.
"Don't make it all about yourself, I have my own reasons." X let out a breath that would almost count as a laugh if Jupiter hadn't already noticed the change in his voice, like he was trying to hold back any emotions he felt.
"I can finally have a life worth living. I can do something good." The smile on X's face slowly faded. "Stop looking at me like that..."
Jupiter wasn't aware that his expression had changed. All he could focus on was the sound of his core pulsing and the faint static in his head.
He took a small step forward, and X stepped back twice as far. And then he saw it.
Fear.
It was painfully obvious. X couldn't stay here; he'd never be able to move on from what happened. And that was what Jupiter wanted, right? For X to be happy. Because he cared about him. He cared so much that for billions of years, not a day would go past where X didn't cross his mind.
His breath hitched. Or maybe it was X's.
"You can't just-...I mean, we have so much more to-"
"I thought you were able to let me go." X cut him off, staring directly at him.
It felt like exposure. Like X was finally seeing everything Jupiter was feeling. Every emotion, every thought. Like he finally knew the truth.
Yet, then again, he might not.
So, fuck it. Jupiter might as well tell it.
"I can't imagine a life without you. I already lived through that for billions of years but I can't take it and I need you here because-"
"Stop it."
"-I don't feel the same around anyone else and I always feel like I'm lying to them about how I feel-"
"Stop."
"-and sure it might be the same around you but it feels different because with everyone else it all feels fake and forced but-"
"Jupiter-"
"-you're the only one who I feel real with and it might just be the imaginary version of you I made up in my head but after all this time I've finally realised that it's not Saturn, it's you that I-"
Jupiter felt X's hand slap across his mouth, cutting him off abruptly.
His hand was cold, but inside Jupiter felt a rush of warmth stronger than anything he had felt before and X's hand was on his lips his hand was on his lips his hand was on his lips his hand was on his lips and it was too much and-
And suddenly X was screaming something about 'lying' and 'missed opportunities' but Jupiter couldn't hear through the sound of himself sobbing into X's chest as he clung onto his jacket and the deafening buzzing sound in his head and he was pushing him away but still he clung on and then finally he held him back and-
Then it all got quiet. Well, quieter. X wasn't screaming anymore, but he was still muttering about how much he hated Jupiter under his breath.
His hand was in Jupiter's hair now, and the other on his back, gripping him tightly, but not tight enough to be overly uncomfortable.
"Explain." That one word cut through the multitude of insults that had been thrown at Jupiter, and for a moment he looked up, startled.
"You're saying that I spent years watching you and Saturn, thinking you couldn't care less about me, and now I found out you were, what, emotionally cheating on him all this time?"
"I didn't mean to-"
"I could've returned and you wouldn't have done anything to me! I could've returned and everything you be fine but no, I spent millennia thinking you would throw me out again!" X paused to draw in a shaky breath, harsher than he should have.
Jupiter had just about gained enough composure to form a sentence, and finally spoke up.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything I know I'm-"
X grabbed him by the hair and yanked his head back to look right into his eyes.
"An asshole who fucks everything up, an emotional cheater and an absolute mess?" He finished for him, but there was a surprising lack of anger behind those words.
Up close, X's eyes were lighter than Jupiter expected, closer to a sky blue than the deep ocean he had assumed they were.
They both remained silent for a few seconds, just two people who had been through too much, staring into the other's eyes. X's hand slid down to his neck as Jupiter slowly stood up straight again, but he didn't pull away.
"So, you really..?" Jupiter trailed off, letting the half-unspoken question hang in the air.
"Yeah."
Jupiter's core seemed to sink in his chest, yet he didn't quite know why.
"Well, I doubt I realised at the time, seeing as all I really acknowledged was the anger and hate I felt, but I definitely did for quite a while." X shrugged casually, but the slight waver in his voice gave away his true emotions.
X's hold on the back of his neck loosened a fraction, and Jupiter's hand flew up to return it to its original place, causing the smaller planet to flinch slightly.
"And...and now?" The strange mix of guilt and longing in his voice must have stunned X a little, as his eyes widened and he finally broke eye contact. A few moments passed before X sighed and dropped both his hands to his side, fast enough for Jupiter not to stop him.
"What response would make you happiest?"
Jupiter paused, still staring at X, even if he wasn't looking back at him.
X had just revealed that he had felt something for Jupiter at some point, so he couldn't ask him to deny everything he ever felt for him. He knew that, unless by some miracle X still wanted him, any response would hurt. And judging by the fact that X has seemed so ready to leave...
"The truth. Just, tell me the truth."
He sighed softly, then eventually turned back to face Jupiter. Maybe in another universe he would've reached out and held his hand, but not in this one.
"I can't." There was a certain look in his eyes, one Jupiter had never seen before and couldn't decipher for the life of him.
"I let go of it years ago. I just...I don't do that anymore. I wish I could." He muttered that last part under his breath.
They were close enough that if Jupiter just shifted his hand slightly, their fingertips would brush. But he couldn't do that, not now. It could push X away, and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
"Okay...okay." And he was smiling now, but he wasn't happy. He couldn't help it.
"So you need to leave?" X just nodded in response, taking a step back.
"You said it yourself, you've been keeping the system stable for so long, you have to go back without me. I would just...mess things up."
He hated hearing that. The self-deprecation and...just general negativity.
"Stop saying that! You won't-...I can help find a place for you! You can still stay here, I need you-"
"I can't stay here when every time I look at you I'm reminded of what happened!"
Jupiter couldn't deny that he related to that. Sure, he could try to fix things with X, start from the beginning. But it would never erase the memory of what he did.
The only way to let go now, was to forget.
"You can't need me. You need to go back to the others and you better find a way to fall for Saturn so that you don't break his fucking fragile core after billions of years of lying to him."
"I wasn't-...I mean, at the start I-"
"Don't make excuses for yourself." X turned his back on him. "I need to leave, and you need to go back, and there was never any other way this would end."
Jupiter was at a loss for words, so he just sighed shakily, taking a step back. He couldn't change X's mind, apparently, so what choice did he have other than accepting this?
A small chuckle came from the planet in front of him, and X turned his head a little. Not enough to face Jupiter, but enough to catch his attention.
"What a dramatic ending, right? Feels like the endings of those corny TV shows earthlings watch. I didn't mean for it to be this...cinematic? It just happened, y'know?"
With his back turned to the sun, Jupiter could make out the few lighter blue streaks in his hair amongst the sea of navy blue. He wondered how long it would be until he saw that hair again.
"So...you're not gonna say anything?"
"What more is there to say? It's not like I can change your mind..."
"It-...well, yeah." X turned around fully one more time, and for a moment Jupiter could've sworn he would've come back with him. But no. Nothing could change this ending. Not now. Not ever.
"So, this is it?"
"I guess so. I hope you can...find a better life, or whatever." Jupiter's voice cracked halfway through, earning a look of pity and if he looked closer, almost regret from X.
"...I will."
They just stared for a few seconds. At each other, at the history they would be leaving behind. Everything they had both gone through.
Their time had come to an end. That's the way of the universe. During the Big Bang, matter moved in a certain way leading to a domino effect of events, so in a way you could say this was fate.
Sad? Not exactly. Both would say that bittersweet would be a more accurate description. Like, the end of a movie, or the sunset on a summer day. Like goodbye.
Because, in the end, that's what this was, right? That was the only way to describe this whole interaction. Not a confession, not forgiveness, not friendship or love or anything of the sort.
"I'll see you later, Jupiter."
And as much as he wished otherwise, he knew that wasn't true. There was no way he would see him again, so he had to savour every last taste of his presence. The way he stood, the colour of his eyes, his voice and his clothes and everything he had missed out on all because of some cowardly mistake he had made many years ago.
The universe is a large, dark, scary place. Larger than the mind can imagine. And letting X go, letting him roam free in the near-emptiness of space? It felt like setting a paper boat in the middle of the ocean. Releasing a butterfly and watching it twirl in the air a few times before drifting away with the breeze.
So, no. Jupiter knew he wouldn't see X later. If X ever changed his mind, he would be too far gone.
But, he could dream, right?
"Goodbye, X."
His silhouette slowly faded into nothingness, becoming one with the cosmos. And Jupiter stood, and watched, and just before he disappeared from sight, he waved.
And, although hard to see from such a distance, he could've sworn he saw X turn around and wave back.
And then he was gone, his gravity no longer had an effect on Jupiter and he was too far to be seen.
But the image of him was still clear in Jupiter's mind, permanent like a tattoo.
His final memory of him. This was it. Not 'see you later', but proper 'goodbye'.
This was it.
And he knew it.
But Jupiter could still dream.