Archive of Our Own

It has been late hours at Jisung's office, a placid evening with way too many reports that were written by new and younger employees, and Jisung had to make sure they were at least passable to forward to the clients.

He honestly would never expect a night like this to announce the beginning of the end, and specifically the end of what he has been calling his life in the last few years.

The door to his office is swung open, startling Jisung out of the huddle of words that were not going through his brain at this time anymore. With the paper half-crumpled between one of his hands, he raises his eyes to meet the image of his younger brother storming through the space, with Jisung's assistant in his pursuit, panic on her face as she talks about how Seungmin shouldn't just go inside like that.

"Seohee-ssi, it's okay," Jisung says to her, even if his hands start to clamp in sweat, doing his best to not look panicked. The young woman glances at him, relief spreading through her face. "Let me talk to my brother alone for a moment."

If Seohee wasn't already leaving, the glare on Seungmin's face would have chased her out. His face turns to Jisung in his table slowly, as he stands up from his chair with a nervous gulp.

Seungmin's hair is disheveled, as if he ran here, or decided to come on a whim. He takes a while to even open his mouth.

“Did you seriously—”

Jisung can see the breathlessness at which Seungmin utters every syllable, his face scrunched up in an expression that's a rare sight on his brother.

Seungmin has always been so calm. It’s one of the things their parents love so much about him, that makes him so much more treasured than Jisung ever was. He was seldom angry or agitated. When he was a child, Jisung doesn't ever remember a time where Seungmin had thrown a tantrum, or screamed or cried too loud. He never arrived too late at home, never had bad grades, never got into trouble at school.

Now he looks every single of a mess he had never been in his assumingly perfect little life, face flushed red, rage and raw pain in his eyes. Jisung sees himself mirroring the shallow breaths he takes, chest hurting at the lack of proper air. Seungmin shakes his head, walking in circles with his fists full of his own hair.

He stops again, and he doesn’t look at Jisung this time.

“I can’t fucking believe you slept with my wife.”

Jisung is a hypocrite. He’s the worst of them all, because he absolutely despises seeing Seungmin like this. Because of him. Because of what he brought upon their relationship. But again, Jisung might really be worse than scum, because when he opens his mouth, the words that creep out are,

“I don’t even know why you’re so worked up, you barely even like her.” the shame is tight on his stomach, and he doesn’t know why he does that. He doesn’t know why he says things, why he acts the way he does.

Seungmin gasps loudly.

“What the fuck? I love Minha!” he sputters, completely maddened. He looks about to lose his mind, and Jisung is scared — he has never seen his brother like this.

“You talk about divorcing her every other week!” Jisung responds at the same voice level.

“It’s a joke! I don’t want to divorce her, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me!” he shakes his head.

The tug on Jisung’s chest is strong, and the damage it leaves behind is ugly, rattling everything in his heart, taking down all the walls he neatly built for himself there, all the fancily placed shelves filled with sweet lies to hide bitter truths. He hates how it makes him feel. He hates that he can see in Seungmin’s eyes that what he’s saying is true. He hates it so much.

“I seriously can’t fucking believe you, hyung.” Seungmin shakes his head, biting his cheek. He looks tired. He sounds tired. “You could just go and fuck anyone you wanted. But it had to be Minha, and why? Because you're still in denial, after all those years? Is that it?”

Jisung frowns, heart thumping rapidly.

“Denial? What are you talking about?”

Seungmin chuckles. It's dark, his lips curled up, but his eyes are empty, uncanny.

“I guess I have my answer.” he drops his hands to his sides, and he turns around, walking large steps to the door.

With his heart pumping in his ears, Jisung contours around the table, stepping in his direction.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Seungmin?” he yells. His lungs feel like collapsing in his chest.

His brother turns around. Jisung flinches when he steps closer, his height and broad shoulders almost making Jisung curl into himself.

“I can't deal with you and your… what is it even? Fear? Cowardice? I can't. Not anymore.” he inhales. His hair is flopped against his face, the neat hairstyle he certainly had when he left his house or office now undone. "I was okay. I was okay, alright?”

Jisung doesn't want to ask, doesn't want any of this to go further than it has already gone, because at some point, there would be no turning back. But Seungmin isn't done.

“After all these years, I was okay. I had come to acceptance that you would never—” he hiccups. “That we would never–”

Seungmin's eyes swell with tears, glassy and unfocused. The tug in Jisung's chest knocks around more shelves, scratches the paint on the walls, breaks lights and candle holders.

“And I found Minha, and even if we're not perfect, even if it's unconventional the way we love each other, she always held me when I needed. She was there for me." the tears slide through his face, and Jisung wants to scream, he wants to tell him to stop talking, he wants to drown him in a hug. “And you had to go and fuck this up too because you're still in fucking denial about what you feel for me, and you can't stand the fact that I found a way to be happy without you and you didn't.”

Jisung can't breathe under the bricks. Everything is broken, it's falling apart. He can't see anything, he can't feel anything but the pull of pain in his body.

“What I feel—” he chokes up on the words. “You can't be fucking serious right now, Seungmin.”

His brother breathes a hysterical laugh.

“Oh my god!” he turns to stare at the wall with a big, fucked-up grin. Jisung stares at his side profile, and he knows that their noses look a lot alike from this angle. His stomach churns. “I didn't think you were so up your own ass like that! Did you make yourself forget about college too? That would be really convenient.”

Jisung is sweating like a madman. He feels like he's wearing someone else's skin, and the pieces keep falling around because it's too big on him. Seungmin strings closer, towering over him. He still doesn't know why he's so tall, they have the same parents, the same blood running through their veins. It pisses him off.

“Seungmin, stop.” he warns, and he doesn't know what exactly he wants him to stop doing. His brother's eyebrows crease.

“Stop?” he spits the word like it tastes disgusting against his tongue. “Stop, hyung? Did you stop, back when we were young, and we were fucking the same girl and she asked us to kiss?”

“Seungmin.” Jisung says, in a warning tone, but it doesn't do much, maybe only getting Seungmin more worked up.

“You started it. You knew. You knew how I looked at you—and you did it anyway.” he shakes his head, and Jisung notices he's trembling. “And you came inside her while you kissed me. And you were reminded of it over and over the next couple weeks because she gave you that pregnancy scare.”

“That wasn't—”

“Wasn't what? You know this isn't some shit normal siblings do, right?” Seungmin rubs his eyes. “You know that if we were normal you wouldn't have made me slow dance with you at some crappy club, whispering you loved me while you felt I was hard against you?”

Jisung can't breathe. He feels the way his lungs hurt at the attempt, his heart too loud, too much, too much. He can't bear to hear the truth of what their past withholds, of everything he forced himself to forget.

“But it's…” Jisung tries to speak, and everything hurts so much. Everything. He stares at Seungmin, and his usual sweet or smartly sharp eyes are so full of anger and pain, an odd look on him. Jisung's voice feels so small in his throat. “It's wrong."

Seungmin doesn't startle at that, it doesn't rip a reaction from him. He simply lets out a wet laugh.

“Well, maybe you should have thought of that before playing with my feelings, you fucking—” Seungmin sniffles, his nose red, just like his ears. Jisung wants to hug him, cradle him in his arms like he always did, despite Seungmin not being a crier, despite him always fighting to the last moment to not let the tears flow. “You led me on so many fucking times, and there's no telling me you didn't know what you were doing. You've known back then that my feelings for you weren't—weren't usual. And you still cuddled me in bed and told me I was your special boy, that you'd be mine forever. You still had me following you around like a dog, you toyed with me!”

“It's not like that!” Jisung breaks, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears. “Please, I—”

He shoves his face in his own hands, not wanting to look at Seungmin. It's too much. This is not fair. Jisung worked so hard all these years to set things straight.

It's the hurtful, ugly and irresponsible truth that he let himself and Seungmin indulge in those feelings, never crossing a line too much, but always tiptoeing in a way he could get away with it — kisses on his forehead were fine, cuddling was fine, and everything else that was hard on the edge of being fine. Because once he opened the floodgates, he knew there was no turning back. That he would never be capable of seeing Seungmin as his little brother again. That they could never turn their backs to how sick all of this was.

Jisung should feel proud of himself for having put a stop to it. And yet, ten years later, he has Seungmin weeping in front of him, pointing fingers and calling him things he's not. It's so unfair.

“You don't understand.” he whispers, wanting this conversation to be over. “You'll never understand.”

“Well, try me!” Seungmin screams. His eyes are begging.

Jisung has always been bad at denying Seungmin things, but he had to build an armor for himself. For them. Because it was all his fault, and he had to do something to make sure Seungmin didn't end up choosing all the wrong choices in life.

Jisung shakes his head, looking up to stop the tears from falling.

“I'm sorry about Minha… I don't know what I had in mind. I have no excuses.” he says instead, steadying his voice as much as he can. “I know it makes me the worst person— the worst brother ever."

“Don't come at me with that self-pity shit, I don't wanna hear.” Seungmin spits. “If you want to be a coward, fine. If you want to pretend you were innocent back then, that you never fed into my expectations, fucking fine! I've been over it for a long time now!”

Jisung needs to keep his composure. He can't let Seungmin know how much it tears his chest apart to hear that. He shouldn't be even allowed to feel it, because he brought it upon himself. He's so guilty, he's so horribly disgusting, doing that to his younger brother, and still making him cry like this when he's doing what's right for him.

Seungmin takes a deep breath, pointing a finger between Jisung's eyes.

“But stay away from Minha. And from me too. I can't—I can't fucking look at you right now.”

The door of his office slams closed.

“Hyung, what are you—”

Jisung didn't give him time to think, pulling Seungmin by the wrist to the dance floor, his drink abandoned on the bar.

Seungmin didn't know that song. It was slow and heavy, something he wouldn't be caught listening to by himself. Jisung seemed to like it, whether he knew it or not. Jisung grabbed both his arms and laced them around his waist, throwing his own around Seungmin's shoulders.

He looked around, scanning their surroundings, anxiety taking over even above the tingling, fluttering feeling of Jisung's body against his.

“No one's looking.” Jisung had assured, speech slurred by the alcohol, his breath touching Seungmin's ear and making him feel like his guts were being pulled in a play of tug of war. “No one cares about us, Seungminnie.”

The dance floor had a few scattered people, but everything was dark, and the club was out of town; nobody knew them there. Jisung pulled him even closer, resting his cheek on Seungmin's shoulder, swaying them together to the sound of the music.

Seungmin felt constricted, but at the same time he had never felt more free. His hands rested on Jisung's waist, softly, carefully, as if any sudden movement could break him, and he could almost fit it entirely between his palms.

“Seungminnie,” Jisung whispered, drawing circles on his back with his fingers, lips ghosting against his neck. Seungmin hummed in acknowledgement. “I only have you, do you know that? I love you so much. My baby brother.”

Seungmin wondered about so much. He wondered if Jisung was always doing it on purpose and why. Because he wanted to get a reaction out of Seungmin? Rile him up? Pressure him to say something so he could finally take a step back from whatever it is they were doing? He wondered if Jisung would forget all about it in the next morning, as he always did whenever they seemed to get closer to unknown, risky territory.

“Hyung, don't…” Seungmin tried to be sane, because he knew it was still a dead end. It had always been a dead end with Jisung. And Seungmin was known for his reasonable, blunt, practical personality, some people would get to the point of calling him cold.

Except when it was about Jisung. His only exception to essentially everything. So he indulged, because he was weak, he was so weak when it came to Jisung.

“Hm? What is it, baby?” he said, leaning back to stare at him, fingers moving Seungmin's bangs away from his eyes.

“I…” he stuttered.

He looked at Seungmin, his pretty eyes creasing with the lazy, heart-shaped smile on his face. Seungmin didn't understand how Jisung could look so lovingly at him, knowing he's nothing but a sick freak — when he could see what he was all about, when he could feel how hard Jisung made him inside his jeans, rubbing only slightly at Jisung's hip, but enough to make itself known, when Seungmin knew what Jisung's lips tasted like and how good he sounded when he came.

“I… love you too.” his voice was weak and raspy. Maybe he had drunk too much.

Jisung's face bloomed with an even bigger smile, and he pulled Seungmin's head to hide him against his chest. It was uncomfortable, since Seungmin was taller, but he didn't want to complain, not with the engulfing waves of Jisung's warmth against him.

With Jisung's arms laced around his shoulders, Seungmin let himself believe, for one too many times, that he wasn't the only one to feel this, to be trapped in this loophole between what he really wanted and what it was possible for him to have.

Seungmin startles when Minha touches his shoulder, his back slumped against the table in the living room, his laptop open in front of him.

She's surprised by his reaction, probably not expecting it since Seungmin isn't easily scared. When their eyes meet, his wife's expression turns pitiful, and he despises it.

"Seungmin-ah," she says, and her voice is uncharacteristically soft. "Can we talk?"

"About?" he asks, turning his eyes back to the task at hand, some bullshit formality about an insanely dull case, he hasn't really been paying attention to it. His mind has been nothing but thick fog the whole day. Minha sits right by his side, dragging the chair next to his as close as possible, until her knees are knocking against his. He sighs, foreseeing that he won't like whatever it is that she’s about to bring up.

"I'm worried about you." she says next, eyebrows creased. "Even Yongbok noticed you're not acting like yourself lately."

Seungmin feels a twist in his stomach at the mention of his daughter.

"And I know..." Minha looks at her own hands, silky brown hair falling to her face. "I know it's my fault. I'm not starting this conversation to blame you for anything, I just want to know how I can fix this."

Seungmin is stricken by melancholy at his wife's words. Of course Seungmin was upset with her when she told him she had slept with Jisung. He might have overreacted at first — it was a hit he was not prepared to take at the time. And Seungmin knows, that all things considered and despite himself, she had fucked up too, since Jisung is married — but none of what Seungmin was feeling had anything to do with Minha, she doesn't know anything; he can’t take it out on her when he knows the real root of his sorrow lies elsewhere.

"Noona, don't blame yourself so much." he wants to reach for her hand, to use it to anchor himself, but he doesn't feel he's worthy of doing so. She now looks at him with her big feline eyes. He lies through his teeth: "I told you, my initial reaction was because Hyunjin is my friend and she doesn't deserve this, but that's all. Don't worry about me.”

Minha's expression doesn't alleviate, her face still scrunched up in a frown.

"I can't believe you, Seungmin. Not with the way you've been acting. I can see you, you know?" she argues, and Seungmin wants to die. "You've been miserable ever since and I've never seen you like this before, Minnie. Please, you have to tell me what's going on. I want to help. You know that I care."

It's astonishing sometimes, whenever Minha says just the right thing. It happens a lot, really, and it's staggering in the most pleasant way, because she is nothing but such a wondrous person — but despite being exactly who Seungmin needs her to be, and saying exactly what he needs to hear, it still makes his nose sting and his eyes swell; makes him wish a hole would emerge from the ground and swallow him whole. Because in the right world, Seungmin would have fallen for Minha properly, deep and ardently the way she deserves, and he could have been more than this shadow of a husband he is.

The sound of Minha's breath hitching echoes in the living room, and he knows she's about to fuss over him, and still, he can't stop the ugly, fat tears from streaming down his face.

"Seung— Oh, fuck, don't cry, why are you crying?" she speaks too fast, getting closer to him and trying to make him look up at her, unsuccessfully so.

"Don't... I don't wanna talk about it..." he says, pathetically.

Seungmin's digging a grave for himself, and he's well aware of that; because he can't stop crying, and because Minha's staring at him as if she has never seen him before. She lunges forward to grab his hand, and he selfishly lets her.

"Baby, I—You're scaring me." her voice drops to a whisper, and Seungmin forces the sobs to stop, choking around them.

"I'm… I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." he mumbles dumbly, Minha's weight on his hand stopping him from scattering away in a bunch of ashes. “I can't… I don't think I can handle the way you'll look at me."

Maybe intrinsically, Seungmin always had the need to share his burden with someone else, because up until his last conversation with Jisung, he had never uttered a single word out loud about the entire situation, not even with Jisung himself. But he knew what awaited him if he did, and it was terrifying.

Minha's gaze turns dark, her expression freezing, looking equally confused and frightened. Seungmin's entire body hurts.

"Seungmin, you have to tell me what's going on. You're freaking me out now.” her voice shakes the slightest, and it’s clear she’s trying to look firm but not being able to do it entirely. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Fuck, he buries his face in his hand. He shouldn't have said anything. He kept to himself for twenty years, and now he's breaking down for the stupidest reason, he’s such a dumb fuck — he just can't seem to shake the feeling away, the pain he felt when he found out, the hurt of Jisung's abandonment and complete denial, his disregard for Seungmin's feelings even now he managed to build a good life for himself, the stability of Minha’s support, his memories crashing down, everything he worked hard to bury — who he used to be and his sick feelings for his brother.

“It's…” his voice comes out weak, wobbly. He barely recognizes how he sounds. "It's just that, hyung and I, we.... I was…”

Seungmin hiccups, and he stops in his tracks to take a deep, shaky breath, and he retrieves the hand Minha was holding, clasping both of his palms together. They are sweaty, cold. Minha takes her hand back hesitantly.

“Hyung? You mean Jisung?" she asks, cautiously, and Seungmin nods, wincing at the mere mention of his name. "Seungmin, I'm not gonna play guessing games with you, I'm close to assuming horrible things with the way you're acting. Please, just say it.”

It is horrible, Seungmin thinks. He has got to this point, though. What would she even think of him if he stopped here? Would she assume even worse?

He should have never said anything. Should have never demonstrated anything. Seungmin is weak. He is so weak.

"I loved him.” he blurts out, his tongue a numb, swollen thing in his mouth. "Not as a brother. As... something more."

Contrary to what Seungmin always thought, he doesn't get instantly reduced to hell flames, nor does he drop dead from it. His head hurts, and the tears flood his face, crying in a way he hasn't since.... Well, since Jisung announced he was getting married. And there's Minha, her eyes bigger than ever, expression completely frozen.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, noona." he pleads, for the tenth time and starting to sound like a chant, not being able to look her in the eye anymore. "I know it's sick and disgusting but I couldn't control it, it just happened. Hyung and I were everything to each other back then. He—I can't remember a moment in my life it wasn't him. Not before I met you.”

He stays silent for the moment it follows, because he doesn't feel like it's wise to just vomit everything, and it's possible he's about to actually vomit too, so hopefully staying quiet for a while will help the sickness go away. Minha probably doesn't even want to hear it. Why would she?

They steal glances from each other awkwardly, and it's her who breaks the silence.

“That sure is… something.” she doesn't seem as if she has fully grasped it, because her expression doesn't betray anything. Seungmin keeps quiet, shaking and clawing at his own hands, stabbing his nails against his palm. Minha slumps forward with her hands in her cheeks, fixing her gaze on the wooden table. “Did you and him…?”

Seungmin's not sure what she's asking, but he has an idea, so he spares her from having to name it.

“We never… How can I put this?” he purses his lips. “We never consummated anything. We never talked about it either, not until recently.”

Minha closes her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out through her mouth.

“Fuck.” she says. “That's— Jesus fuck, Seungmin.”

He lets out a sad laugh, which makes her open her eyes and stare at him.

“Is it as horrible as you thought?”

She seems a bit taken aback by the question.

“Honestly…? No?” she scratches her head. “I wasn't, uhm, something like this never crossed my mind. I mean— you and Jisung? You can barely stand each other."

Seungmin bites his cheek, more tears swelling in his eyes.

“Well, he kind of broke my heart, so."

Minha's face is full of pity again, and Seungmin doesn't hate it as much. He will take everything rather than the awful disgust he had prepared himself for all these years — especially from his wife.

“I understand if it's too much. I know it is.” he swallows a lump down his throat that almost doesn't make it. Minha's eyes are conflicted, flickering under the light. “I'll understand any decision you make from now on. I'll spare you the details because it's a sordid story, really.”

Minha is pensive.

“I'm not gonna lie to you, Seungmin, you just threw me a massive fucking curve ball here.” she sighs. "I mean, you could have—" she hesitates.

"You can say it."

Minha looks at him. She doesn't seem outraged or disgusted or anything Seungmin prepared himself to. Confused, maybe. Hurt, somehow.

"I don't know why would you keep this from me." it's what she says.

It's very clear to Seungmin why. When he opens his mouth to say something, the sound of Yongbok crying breaks through their walls.

"I—" Minha glances past her shoulder. Her eyes go back to Seungmin. "Can we talk about this tomorrow? Properly? It's late and I have to work and Yongbok—"

"Take as much time as you need, noona." he sniffles. She gives him a sympathetic look.

"Okay. Good night, Minnie."

Jisung shot his eyes open when the girl grabbed his face to kiss him. Right, party, alcohol, girl he was flirting with dragging him to a room upstairs. And Seungmin.

Seungmin?

His eyes tracked his brother right behind the girl, he didn't remember her name anymore. It didn't matter. Why was Seungmin also there?

She separated from Jisung, turning around and kissing him instead.

Jisung held his breath at the sight, the way Seungmin's big hands closed around her waist, messy brown hair getting in the way of his eyes — Jisung told him to get a haircut —, his disjointed shirt being crumpled under the girl's hands.

It should have been a moment for Jisung to stop them, or simply leave them to it and just fuck off. But he found himself glued to the ground, and then he was kissing the girl again, and she was undressing and tugging Jisung to undress too.

He took off his shirt and shoes and sat down on the bed when the girl then had her attention on Seungmin again, turning her back to Jisung and grabbing the buckle of his belt hurriedly.

Seungmin snuck a glance at Jisung. His face was flushed pink, mouth half-open. He broke their eye contact quickly, complying as the girl pulled at the hem of his shirt. Jisung couldn't stop looking as she zipped down his pants and knelt in front of him, and he was drunk enough not to care.

He didn't look away when she swallowed him, and he moaned. Jisung winced at the sound, and controlled the impulse of palming his cock over his jeans.

And then Seungmin was looking back, and he was coming down her throat, closed eyes making up for a heavenly expression.

He was all grown up. Seungmin was so beautiful. His Seungmin.

Jisung was out of it, because when his conscience kept up to him, the girl had already made his way back to him and hurried to get rid of her bottom and sit on Jisung's dick. He looks up beside her, where a sheepish Seungmin sits with his stupidly large cock hard all over again while she gives him a hand job.

The wonders of alcohol, Jisung thought. He couldn't focus on anything but Seungmin and the wet noises of him being stroked, his contained moans between his teeth. If Jisung thought back to it, it made sense what the girl requested, even if it struck as a complete surprise for him.

“Can you two kiss? I'm almost there, that would be so hot,” she looked between them. “Only if it's not weird or anything, of course. I won't tell anyone.”

That probably was a lie too, but it's not as if Jisung could even bring himself to care, because Seungmin was giving him those puppy eyes he had to know were Jisung's weakness. He looked unsure, scared even, so Jisung brought his hand out, silently asking him to come closer, and he complied like it was his very own nature.

“Come here, Seungminnie, it's just a kiss.” he breathed out, trying to sound as confident as he could and not the mess he felt when he saw Seungmin leaning in.

When Seungmin's lips touched his, soft and shaky, Jisung snapped his hips up, his hand coming up to rest on Seungmin's face, thumb caressing his cheek. He felt his brother groan against his mouth, something that didn't have to do with Jisung, but he swallowed it preciously as he stuck his tongue against his lips.

Seungmin had faltered, but he received it like a gift, something that never failed to baffle Jisung about him. Their tongues ran hot against each other, and Jisung wanted to take his time to swallow him whole. It was unjust that Seungmin was out there, that people could see him, touch him, taste him like this. The mere thought of it made Jisung sick. It was never supposed to be that away — Jisung wanted to hide him between his teeth and scare away anyone that came close. Seungmin was Jisung's, first and foremost. He had the right before anyone else.

With Seungmin's sweet taste weighing on his tongue, Jisung's orgasm hit harder than ever, a moan around his mouth, breaking him away from Seungmin.

Jisung didn't know he should have enjoyed it longer, better. He should've engraved every single sensation in his brain, unknowingly having to conform to losing Seungmin's kiss after that.

Jisung is driving himself mad and to his bad luck, everyone noticed it.

His secretary asked him a day before if she could do anything to help because he looked tired, as if she didn't have a ton of work herself. Changbin had unprompted baked cookies for him to take to the office one morning, a gesture that was very much equivalent to moving mountains for a teenager in the "I hate my dad" phase, especially after the whole ordeal with the affair. Chan gifted him his favorite plush toy one day he was moping on the couch (which made Jisung break down crying after he left). Even Hyunjin was looking him up and down as if he was some sort of dying animal begging to be put out of its misery, which should probably equalize pity.

Years of memories he tried so hard to suppress and lock away in the darkest corner of his brain are constantly being regurgitated into his daily life since his conversation with Seungmin.

The thing is, he also doesn't know why he slept with Minha. She's pretty, well, she's gorgeous, funny and smart but usually that wasn't enough for Jisung to fuck up this hard — Minha is his sister-in-law, after all. A completely sane Jisung would never choose to have the stupidest hookup of his life, since there was no way doing something like this wouldn't come back to haunt him later, especially because he could guess she would tell Seungmin sooner or later; and in this cause it was soon, much sooner than Jisung expected.

It had been a while since Jisung spent so much time thinking about Seungmin nonstop. He usually could control it, compared to the way he used to occupy every single of Jisung's thoughts in his twenties. It was impossible for him back then to go a single hour without thinking of his little brother. He knew everything that was there to know about Seungmin back then. He spent more time in Seungmin's dorm room than in his own apartment. He knew his routine, schedule, extra-curricular activities, he even knew much more about law than the average person, despite having no affinity with the area at all.

The way he broke down in front of Jisung made everything so much more unbearable.

When Jisung decided to let his feelings for Seungmin officially go — even though he had never actually accomplished that in the end —, their break off was silent. They had never said anything to each other about how fucking weird their relationship was, and for a while, Jisung expected to be questioned, to have to justify why he had pulled away so abruptly, why was he proposing to a girlfriend of mere four months when he had never been able to have a stable relationship with anyone, why was he preparing to have a baby no more than a year later when Jisung had always claimed he didn't want to have any children.

Seungmin never came to interrogate him as he awaited. Jisung doesn't know how Seungmin felt, he barely showed any emotions when Jisung was around, and they were less and less around each other through the years.

It was hell. Jisung doesn’t hate his life, he loves his children a lot, and he loves Hyunjin to an extent — even though he never managed to thoroughly fall in love with her, which he knows is just cruel. Jisung had done many things he's not proud of in his life, and it shames him a bit to think about how desensitized he is to his own mistakes at this point, how casual he is about disappointing people.

Nothing had ever filled the hole Seungmin's love left in his life and he knows it, even though he chose to ignore it for so long — and now he can't stop thinking about it.

If you want to be a coward, fine. If you want to pretend you were innocent back then, that you never fed into my expectations, fucking fine! I've been over it for a long time now!

Seungmin's words are resounding in his mind day and night, and it makes him want to crawl into a hole and die.

I've been over it for a long time now!

Was it that easy for him? Seungmin used to look at him like Jisung was his entire world, like Seungmin would die without him. Jisung never… stopped him from doing so. Seungmin was also his entire world back then. That's why for once Jisung thought that he should be altruistic, to do what was best for Seungmin, which definitely was not living stuck into a sickly codependent love for his own brother.

It makes Jisung want to hurl to think about it, Seungmin meeting a pretty girl and suddenly he was over it. Was over Jisung, like he was just a step, a youthful mistake for something greater. Even though that's exactly what Jisung had wanted for him.

And you had to go and fuck this up too because you still in fucking denial about what you feel for me, and you can't stand the fact that I found a way to be happy without you and you didn't.

Everything in Jisung screams he needs to do something about it. He tries so hard to ignore it, because he gave up all those years to make sure Seungmin would be happy, would be normal. But he had to go and ruin everything, and Jisung can see the truth in Seungmin's words: he did it because he is miserable without Seungmin, and miserable people tend to drag others into their misery so they won't be alone with it.

And he missed Seungmin. Missed him so much he could feel the space he had in his body that he tore apart himself, thrust his hand in his ribcage and took it out between blood and guts, leaving it empty, bleeding, dying.

And for what?

"Jisung, I'm talking to you."

He whips his head away from where he had been staring — inside the fridge, despite having no idea what he came to get. Hyunjin is standing by his side with a quirked eyebrow.

"Close the goddamn fridge, you're gonna spoil everything in there." she repeats what she probably had said before now that he's listening.

“Uh, sorry.” he steps away.

He had let himself drown in thoughts for the hundredth time this week. Hyunjin is staring at him weirdly.

“Okay, what the fuck is up with you?” she asks, crossing her arms. She has her hair tied back, and earrings he gifted her for her birthday last year.

“What do you mean?” he responds, rather unconvincingly, and Hyunjin of all people has learned how to tell when he's lying the best.

“Stop playing dumb, you know I don't have enough patience for that.” she says, and well, Hyunjin doesn't have any patience for Jisung's shenanigans, which he supposes it's fair. “You've been moping around like a little bitch, it's starting to really annoy me.”

“It's nothing, honey. Work has been stressing me a lot.” he mumbles, half-heartedly.

Hyunjin snorts.

“Do you think I'm stupid?” she snaps. “You know what, don't even answer that. Did you have a fight with Seungmin, is that why?”

Jisung feels his stomach dropping at the words, body freezing in place. Hyunjin picks at her nails.

“Well, why are you fighting?” she asks without a care in the world. Like Jisung isn't shaking and he doesn't want to puke the half-assed dinner he had. Fish was a bad choice.

“What—? How did you even come to that conclusion?” he speaks, and his voice is thin.

Hyunjin takes a step back, sitting by the kitchen island. Stalling. Jisung will rip his hair out.

“You were looking through your college pictures a few days back, staring at all of them with you and Seungmin like you were a soldier's wife during war.” her choice of words punches Jisung in the stomach, and he puts his hand on the table to steady himself. “Not exactly subtle.”

“If you already knew why did you ask?” Jisung's mouth is bitter and sour at the same time. It tastes rotten. Hyunjin looks up at him, annoyed.

“I want to know why.”

A few seconds go by and Jisung can't form a coherent thought. He wonders why Hyunjin wants to know. He wonders if she already knows something and is just... baiting him into saying. He just thinks how much of whatever it is that he's doing is worth something.

“I'm in love with Seungmin.”

That was not what he first planned to say.

“What kind of joke is this? It's not funny.” Hyunjin draws her eyebrows together, anger setting over her features, and she looks around as if someone might hear them, even if the kids are hours past their curfew, and both of their rooms are upstairs.

“It's not a joke.” he speaks again, for some reason.

Jisung's brain is giving out as Hyunjin grabs him by the wrist and drags him over to the porch. Has he given up on everything? Probably not. Jisung knows he's too much of a selfish person to throw everything away. But it's not as if his wife has any respect left for him anymore, so what is this going to change?

“Jisung, what the fuck.” she almost spits in his face, letting go of his hand aggressively as she closes the sliding door.

Their backyard stares at them, cold in the night. The flowers Jisung planted with Chan last summer are starting to wither.

She shoves a hand at his chest, as if demanding for him to say something.

“What? You asked. That's it.” he's tired, and he should be in bed by now, not confessing his greatest sin to his wife. “That's what's so wrong with me. Happy?”

Fuck, maybe he will skip work tomorrow.

“Of course not! Are you fucking kidding me?” she shoves him harder, and his balance almost fails, having to brace himself against the wall.

When he looks back, it's obvious how much Hyunjin is trembling. Her hands close into fists, and she stares at him with pure anger before turning around, walking in circles as she rubs her eyes.

“Fuck!” she grabs a fistful of her own hair. Hyunjin glances at him with reddish eyes, pursing her lips and swallowing hard. “Why are you telling me this?”

Jisung shrugs. “Maybe I'll kill myself later.”

“That's not funny, Jisung.” she hisses.

“Sorry.” he bites his own cheek. Jisung can see the slight relief at Hyunjin's face when she confirms he doesn't mean it. At least not completely. “It’s just fucking me up lately. I mean, how much more can you hate me? I just needed to let it out.”

Hyunjin stares at him in disbelief. Jisung waits for anything — yelling, cursing, being called every single bad thing on earth. It doesn't come.

“Since when?”

Jisung is surprised.

“Since I was like… seventeen, probably.”

A stretch of silence pours around them.

“There's something seriously wrong with you.”

“I know.”

Jisung walks up to the rocking chair that rests on the corner of the porch and sits down. There's a matching one on the side of it. Jisung and Hyunjin never use it. She sits on the other one.

“You don't look like you've just been told your husband is in love with his own brother.” Jisung says, because maybe Hyunjin didn't really understand the entirety of it.

She holds her chin between her fingers, a hard expression on her face.

“If it was the first time, maybe I'd be more upset at the novelty.”

A pause.

“What?” Jisung chokes. Hyunjin looks at him as if she's asking herself if he's faking or just stupid.

“You think I was immune to gossip or what?” Hyunjin says, eyes so sharp that his jugular would be open if looks could cut.

Jisung frowns, because he doesn't really understand. What gossip? About him and Seungmin?

“Seriously, Jisung? There were plenty of rumors about you. Calling you a brother-fucker and all that.” Jisung gasps, and Hyunjin seems genuinely surprised that he's not faking not knowing. “You were inseparable. And you never dated anyone seriously before me. The guys in the basketball team were always talking behind your back and teasing me about it. Guess they were all cowards if they didn't peep about it in front of you.”

Jisung blinks, not being able to react. Did Seungmin know about it? Did others used to tease him with it? Why did he never tell Jisung?

“Guess they were right too.” Hyunjin laughs incredulously.

“Not entirely.” Jisung mumbles, not being able to contain himself. Hyunjin quirks an eyebrow at him. “I've never— We were never together.”

“I guess the part about you guys having a threesome with Nam Juhye was a lie then?

Jisung sucks a breath. So that's her name.

“You son of a bitch.” she grimaces at him. “How could you do that to your little brother? You're so fucking creepy.”

Creepy?

“What the fuck— he wanted it too!” he can't stop from getting mad at the insinuation that he what? Forced Seungmin to do it?

Hyunjin's expression is pure disappointment. Another look, aimed straight to his aorta.

“You were older. You had the responsibility to call it off.”

The way she says it makes Jisung's head spin with nausea — he can listen to the condescending tone his mother used to talk him with, blaming him for every little spot on Seungmin's clothes or a minimum drop of his grades.

"I was drunk, and he was too." he murmurs, feeling his lips tremble. "And it wasn't a threesome. We didn't even touch. I mean—"

"Alright, I don't wanna know." Hyunjin raises her hands to her temples.

“And in the end, I did call it off!” his voice is shaky, breathy, unusual Jisung, and Hyunjin notices. Notices that he looks too upset suddenly. “It was the most difficult decision of my life! He had the right to choose, because I'm not fucking responsible for him. But I still took it from him because I knew he would be miserable with me, no matter how much I loved him, no matter how—”

Jisung's throat clenches around nothing and he realizes he tastes salty. Tears stroll down his face, eyes burning as if they are made of lava.

“You actually care about him, huh.” Hyunjin's tone is flat, but there's a tinge of sadness to it.

“He's my brother.” he says, as if the fact itself reassures anything. “Of course I care about him.”

“Well, so much for brotherly love.” she grunts. And Jisung knows, he knows better than anyone. “I don't even know what to say. I guess it's my fault for choosing to ignore that there were always something deeply fucked up about you."

His pride stings hard, but he can't even rebuke it. He has nothing going on for him.

“I'm sorry, Hyunjin.” it's what Jisung says instead. “I'm sorry for dragging you into my mess. I really tried to—to create a life with you and make you happy. But I couldn't, and I'm really sorry about that.”

“Right.” she answers, bitterness rolling off her tongue. “I'm not really enticed to believe that after everything, you should know that. Funnily for me, or for Seungmin, anyone that crosses your so-called-love gets the short end of the stick, huh?”

They have been together for so long, too long, and Hyunjin knows each one of her weapons, everything she has to hurt Jisung as deeply as possible, especially now that she knows. Jisung feels nauseous.

“I'm sorry.” his voice is a whisper, shameful, tired. “I know you will never forgive me. I know Seungmin won't, either. In my own fucked way, I actually love you. You and the kids—you are the only thing keeping me from wearing thin and disappearing. I would have loved to make you happy in a different lifetime.”

And just like that, Hyunjin is crying too, tears staining her beautiful face. It's heartbreaking in a different perspective, and Jisung hates it. He hates that he has done this to her. Not just the lying, or the cheating — but marrying her in the first place. Attributing to her the task of having to fix him, when she shouldn't have to, and would never be able to.

“Seungmin?”

The silhouette of his wife grows in the room, lit only by the hallway lamp. He looks up at her from the bed, where he has been sitting staring at the darkness for at least ten or twenty minutes.

“Hey. Yongbok?” he asks as she lights up the yellow lamp on the corner of the room and closes the door. She looks a little tired, tucking her robe under her arms.

“Sleeping. Finally.”

A week have passed since Seungmin told Minha, and routine stopped them from sitting down to talk again. At first, Seungmin had extracted himself to sleep on the couch at first, too self-conscious; but only a couple days later Minha asked him to go back to the bed since it was weird not having him there.

It wasn't perfect, but Seungmin expected so much worse. Minha still had trouble looking him in the eye, but their silent coffee sessions at the crack of dawn were going on pretty much every day.

“Can we talk?” Minha says, and Seungmin feels his entire body tensing. He nods.

She sits by the bed, dropping her slippers and tucking her legs under the comforter alongside Seungmin. It goes a few minutes of utter silence before she speaks.

“I want to understand.” Minha says, voice careful and slow. “I'm trying not to be judgy, really. It's… weird, I can't deny it, but I like to think I know you so… make me understand.”

Seungmin lets out a heavy breath.

“I can't explain in detail,” he says, honestly. “It's just, hyung and I were always close. It's funny, even, that he had always adored me so much since our parents used to pitch us against each other. They were really critical of him because of his whole… artsy and music liking and his confrontational nature. On my side, they were always pressuring me as much as they could because they thought it would bring out my potential. It's like we made an alliance, you know? We could just be with each other without having to worry about all that.”

Seungmin notices he's babbling, but when he looks at Minha, she's listening attentively, and she just gestures for him to continue.

“I was… fourteen, when I noticed what I felt for Jisung wasn't usual. Wasn't anything like fraternal.” he smiles, sad. He doesn't look up. “I heard my friends talking about their siblings and it was always the same thing about them being annoying and all of that. I didn't feel this way about hyung. Well, I did from time to time, but, it was never the thing about hating your brother. He coddled me a lot, he gave me part of his dessert, he always let me play with his toys. He even fought our parents about demanding too much from me. He let me tag along when he hung out with his friends.”

“And you know, puberty is a bitch.” Seungmin hesitates before going back to talk. “It was so, so weird to me. First of all, I already knew I was into boys, and that was already weird enough. My friends were always talking about girls, and I liked girls, but I also liked boys, and I… All I could picture most of the time was him, and fuck. I felt so bad, but I liked hyung so much. It was suffocating, really.”

Minha just nods along, paying her full attention to Seungmin's words.

“Uhm, I went through all the stages of grief about it, you know?” he laughs, humorless. “When he left for college, it was like my whole world had crumbled. But then, we became even closer. He would swing by home and take me out at odd hours, bring me to parties and all that.”

Minha flicks an eyebrow at that, but doesn't say anything.

“Anyway, it was about the time when I graduated from high school I noticed it might not be one-sided. Maybe I wasn't the only fuck-up in the family.” Seungmin wants to laugh at that too, but he sees himself physically unable to. “And we were at that, stuck in that moment of what if. For many years. He treated me like I hung up the stars in the sky, and I couldn't help—my feelings only grew stronger, he had been constantly feeding it."

They sit in silence for a while. Seungmin is tearing up again. Because of course he would.

“Anyway. We never talked about it. And then, he proposed to Hyunjin, and we had a fall out, because I couldn't handle the heartbreak.” he murmurs, and it sounds childish when put like that. Maybe it was — he was so young. He could have done it differently, come forward and questioned Jisung about it. He's not sure much would have been different, though.

Seungmin feels skin against his, Minha's hand crawling against his arm, brushing his own hand, feather-like touch. Seungmin's eyes fill with hot tears again as he lets her hold it. He cries and cries and cries, now with the weight of Minha's hand on his, stopping him from floating away to orbit unannounced.

“You still love him, don't you?” she asks. Seungmin breaks down in sobs.

He doesn't know how, but he ends up collected in Minha's arms, and all of a sudden he's a child again, crying in his mother's embrace after falling down his bike and scraping his knee.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I could never—it was so hard being away from him. I couldn't force myself to forget about hyung, it was too painful, it is too painful. I hate myself so much—”

“Shhh, don't say that.” she scoops his face and presses him against her chest. He closes his eyes tightly.

“I'm sorry, noona. I don't know why, I swear I don't know why I still feel this way.”

Minha's fingers thread through his hair carefully, as if he's made of glass. She doesn't answer, she probably doesn't have any answer — but holding him is more than enough, and eventually he falls asleep.

As night fell around Seungmin's dorm room, he waited anxiously for the knock on his door, hoping that it would come.

When Jisung showed up, bearing cake and one thousand ideas of what they could watch in the weekend, Seungmin was finally breathing again.

Jisung used to smile every time he took the smallest glance at Seungmin's direction. Jisung had always been smiley, but there was a smile that seemed special to him, or he wanted to believe so.

When they went to sleep that very night, Jisung tied his arm around Seungmin's middle a little too tight.

“Seungminnie.” he had whispered, forehead against Seungmin's shoulder, and he hummed in acknowledgement. “I love you.”

Seungmin had to control and shut down the complexity of the feelings gurgling in his stomach. He didn't know if he would ever get used to hearing those words and act normal.

“I know that, hyung.” he had said back, voice small, scared that it would fail if he spoke too loud.

Usually, when Seungmin answered like that, Jisung would pick on him and demand that Seungmin told him he loved him back. Not today, though.

“You know that you will always be my lovely baby brother no matter what, right?” he found it a little weird at the time, that Jisung would just say that out of the blue, and later he would pitifully understand why, but at that moment he was just mesmerized by Jisung's words, feeling warmer than ever. “You're my special boy and no one will ever take that away from you.”

Jisung must be crazy, because showing up at Seungmin's office after hours is something he should not be doing.

When he enters the building, he can't even be sure Seungmin is still there. He might have gone home already — but Jisung knows he works late hours, torturing himself with small mistakes and his own perfectionism. He decided to toss the result to the universe, the decision of having come here is already difficult enough, the chance of him getting to face and talk to Seungmin is up to just something else.

A chill runs up his spine when he sees the light coming out from under the last door in the corridor, and he walks there begrudgingly as he asks himself if this is wise. No, it's not.

When he eventually gets there, though, he doesn't have a chance to choose if he wants to knock or not, because the door creaks open, and suddenly he's looking at Seungmin's caramel brown eyes, pure shock written all over them. Shock doesn't take long to become tight anger, eyes sharpening under the cold, white office light.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he locks his jaw.

Jisung can't answer so soon, because he's not so sure himself. He also stops for a moment to take in Seungmin's appearance, heart clenching at the weariness clear in his face, heavy eye bags and blurred gaze.

“Seungminnie.” Jisung murmurs, his hand coming up, attempting to touch his face, but he retreats it even before Seungmin flinches away. “You look…”

Seungmin tsks, grimacing.

“What do you want? Did you get sued again?” he says, impatient.

“Uhm, no, that's not… Can we talk inside?” Jisung bites his cheek, looking inside his office. It seems a little messy, which is unusual for his brother.

Seungmin seems about to argue, but he looks past Jisung as if someone's about to show up and listen into their conversation, even though Jisung hasn't seen even two offices in the entire floor with the lights on. He tilts his chin up, silently commanding Jisung to enter.

Looking from the inside, it's not really a perceptible mess. It would actually be considered tidy enough for Jisung's standards, but he knows his brother is a neat freak, so his eyes are trained to tell what's wrong with it, in Seungmin's perspective. The most distinctive detail of it all is a bottle of whiskey with the cap screwed open, which makes Jisung feel a little nauseous.

“I know whatever you're gonna say is about to make me angry so just get it over with.” Seungmin rubs his eyes.

Jisungs changes his balance from one leg to another restlessly, his lungs feeling heavy as if he's breathing lead instead of air.

“I… I wanted to clear the air between us, Seungminnie.” he starts, and is instantly shot with a look of disbelief. “I just want to say I'm sorry…”

Seungmin crosses his arms, tilting his head to the side, which is a habit that Jisung used to find adorable, but as he sees now, only makes him intimidated.

“Uh… I know things between us have always been a little complicated. I'm not denying that. I just want to make sure you know I always had your best interest.” Jisung strings the words together as bravely as he can, avoiding Seungmin's eyes. Seungmin sighs. “I know you don't see it like that. And I understand. But I just wanted you to be happy. And I knew I couldn't make you happy, not—not like that.”

He lifts his head, his hands shaking as he fists and relaxes them periodically. His brother's face is an incognita, too many feelings or maybe none. Jisung doesn't know. He hasn't known for a long time.

Seungmin doesn't say anything at first, opting for walking around in circles. Jisung tenses up, and it's a foreign sensation being so on edge around his brother.

“You want me to thank you for shitting on my feelings, is that it?”

Jisung frowns at the question, arming himself to argue, but before he can even fully turn around a pair of hands closing around his middle, making him let out a surprised hiccup. His first reaction is trying to free himself, struggling against the touch, but Seungmin doesn't budge, pressing his chest against Jisung's back, heavy breath making the hair on his neck stand up.

It has been forever since his brother touched him like this, hell, it has been years since they last shared a hug. Jisung can track every part of his body that is touching Seungmin's, everything tingling and having his interiors screaming. It makes him want to run, to hide, to forget, as much it makes him want to do the exact opposite.

He gives up on getting Seungmin to back off from him, and he just sighs, arms falling limp.

“Of course not. I just wanted you to know for a fact I have never played with you.” Jisung's throat closes around itself, and he swallows multiple times. His voice becomes weaker: “I cared about you the most, I swear.”

Seungmin lets out a quiet chuckle. Jisung's stomach drops at the sound, even though it makes his face blush just the slightest. He doesn't have the time to dwell because his brother is already backing him up against the table, his nose sending chills through his spine when it touches Jisung's neck.

“You're cold-hearted, hyung. And you're so fucking stupid.” Seungmin's breath hits his skin at every syllable he utters.

Jisung gasps, and he struggles again, grabbing Seungmin's hands and trying to pry it away from him, which happens to be a failure this time around too. He turns his head around so he can look at his brother, wincing at the hard expression on his face.

“What do you think you're doing?” Jisung huffs frustratedly.

Instead of answering, Seungmin just presses his body further, the oppressing touch of his hands sliding down to Jisung's belt, and he whimpers, feeling dizzy at the slightest thing.

Jisung remembers that he used to dream about having Seungmin touching him just like that, undoing the buckle of his belt, sliding down his big, beautiful hands inside his pants. Jisung doesn't feel the bliss he thinks he would, he's confused, he's sad.

“S-seungminnie…” he writhes, panting quickly, and he's getting hard against Seungmin's hand, just like he can feel Seungmin's own bulging pants in his back. “Please…”

Tears prickle in his eyes and everything is too much. He's so tired, tired of every single thing he had to deal with at his point. He can feel the way Seungmin's hands knead at him are nothing like he would wish, full of hard edges and barely-contained anger.

He wants to ask him to stop. It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be anything, ever, but it's not like Jisung hadn't wanted Seungmin to have him every day of his life since he realized what he felt for his young brother wasn't innocent. It should feel different, better, more passionate, happier. Even at that, he doesn't have the strength to stop him. But it probably fits — it's not as if the romantic things of life were ever meant for them.

Seungmin strokes him on top of his underwear, and Jisung can't hold back a soft moan. He closes his eyes, ashamed of himself, ashamed of his lack of self-control, ashamed of being easily coerced by the softest of his brother's advances. Seungmin could have grabbed him and done whatever he wanted back in the day and Jisung simply wouldn't have any manner of fighting, Jisung could have never refused him. But Seungmin didn't, he was the better person, the better brother, the better son, and he loved Jisung, loved enough to wait, to expect, to accept — and Jisung made sure to smash it all, leaving Seungmin bleeding and broken outside the walls he had built.

His hands make rough work of undoing the fly of his pants and Jisung grunts when his pants are shoved down. Jisung tries to look over his shoulder, to connect with his brother, but he can't find his eyes.

“Minnie, m-maybe we should—” he can’t do much but whimper at Seungmin pushing a hand down his back, middle and ring finger slipping through his ass and touching over his hole. The other hand is maintained just above the waistband of his underwear.

Jisung feels his head spinning. His whole body screams, and he wants this so bad, he wants Seungmin to bend him down on the table and fuck him dry, to become a mess of stinging pain and sobbing pleas for him as he has wanted to since forever. Everything else, including his partly-sane mind wants to shove Seungmin and tell him to go fuck himself. He has no way of knowing which one he should listen to.

Jisung is way too used to Seungmin taking all the sane decisions for both of them. He was the centered one, even though he had his lapses of judgment, especially when it came to Jisung, but he was never irrational.

But that was his Seungmin. He has not been Jisung's for a long time now. He might be the same, but he also might be another man entirely. The one shoving his hands and bringing his briefs down the swell of his ass, fistful of his flesh as he pulls his cheeks open and grinding his clothed cock against him. The cry that makes it out of Jisung's mouth is shamefully needy. Seungmin is so hard, Jisung can feel the outline of his cock so clearly his head goes numb.

His rationality keeps fighting him on this. The need to stop and put a rightful end to whatever it is that they are doing is so hard to brush aside, and he sees himself wishing for Seungmin to just push him against the table and force him to take him, so he won't have to decide.

The thought sends a jolt all the way to his dick, and he bites his lip as he drives his hips back against Seungmin. His brother groans right in his ear, melodic just like the rest of him.

Jisung makes the mistake of looking back, trying to get a glimpse of his expression. What he sees makes his stomach churn violently, Seungmin's damp, shiny eyes are no longer trapped in that hard feeling from before, but full of palpable pain. Jisung draws in a sharp breath, and Seungmin blinks away a few unshed tears when he notices Jisung staring.

“Minnie.” Jisung tries, uncertain. From this close, Jisung can smell the booze in his breath. “Let's not do anything we might regret.”

At that, his brother raises his eyes, a single tear he couldn't hold back running down his cheek and meeting his wobbling lips. Jisung can't help but think about how he's the most beautiful person he has ever seen.

Seungmin sniffles, and he lets go of Jisung's hips, leaning back and staring at the ceiling instead. Jisung feels shy as he tucks his briefs in place, turning around, knowing very well it won't cover how rock hard he is. His traitorous eyes follow the line of Seungmin's crotch, looking for an unconscious confirmation he didn't imagine his arousal.

“You've never wanted this, have you?” Seungmin says, not looking at Jisung.

“Huh?” Jisung can't even process the question fast enough.

“You've never wanted me. Us. Whatever. You were just having fun.” he takes a quick look at Jisung.

Huh?

“Are you crazy?” Jisung asks under his breath. “How can you say that?”

Seungmin huffs. “Well, clearly you don’t want it now! How could it be any different back then?”

His logic doesn’t make much sense, and Jisung knows he should not take everything he says seriously since it’s obvious Seungmin has only half a mind right now, that he is hurt and drunk, but Jisung can’t help the pain that gnaws at his chest.

“Because you fucking hate me!” he answers, balling his fists.

Seungmin laughs, incredulous.

“Fuck, I wish!” he closes his eyes for a second, and another tear falls down his face. “I fucking wish I could hate you, that would be so much easier.”

Jisung’s vision turns completely wet. He doesn’t feel like himself, and Seungmin’s admission hurts like hell. Hurts like all the crumbling walls that protected his broken resolution. It’s so obvious that he cannot keep tucking bricks back to where they fell, because no matter what, everything he has built to keep his heart and Seungmin’s away from each other is no longer useful. He can’t protect his brother, and he can’t stop hurting him, and the desperation of the conclusion has him acting primal over all things.

Lunging forward, Jisung grabs Seungmin’s arms hastily, and his brother’s eyes widen as he’s pulled close. His hair flops to his forehead, and it’s noticeable he hasn’t cut it in a while, because it falls in that fluffy way that makes him look soft.

“I wanted you. More than anything. I want you.” he says, and he knows he sounds fraught, deplorable. He holds Seungmin’s hand, and he’s reluctant as Jisung drags his touch against his lower stomach, sliding it down until Seungmin can finally feel with his own hands that he’s not lying. His brother whimpers. “It’s offensive if you have ever thought otherwise, Seungminnie. I have wanted you every single day since… I don’t even know.”

Seungmin’s breath is labored as he relaxes his fingers, feeling Jisung’s cock up with his guiding hand. Striving a little closer, Seungmin leans his other arm around Jisung, until he’s so close Jisung has to look up to meet his eyes, his back almost bent against the edge of the table. It hurts a bit, but Jisung is too transfixed on the desire filling up Seungmin’s eyes he can’t even care.

He heaves at the waistband of his own underwear warningly, and Seungmin just glances down at it and back at Jisung’s face, so he takes it as a sign to pull it down completely. He wants to lead Seungmin’s hand back to him, but his brother clearly has other ideas going on when he slides his hands under Jisung’s thighs, hauling him up to sit at the table, fitting himself between his legs.

Taking him in hand, Seungmin looms his face so close that they have no choice but to breathe the same air, noses brushing against one another, jerking him off slowly and experimentally. Jisung envelops Seungmin’s thighs with his legs, crossing ankles at his back.

“You gotta make me believe it, hyung.” he whispers, mouth so close to his.

Jisung makes Seungmin trail closer by caging him further between his legs. His brother lets go of his dick to lean on the table. Jisung’s whole body thrums in anticipation as he quickly drives his trembling hands to the button of Seungmin’s slacks. He just watches Jisung, breathing still wet and loud as he fumbles with pushing it open as much as it can.

When Jisung gets his hands on Seungmin’s cock, he feels like his life has had some reset of sorts. It has been all those years since he had seen him hard and leaking, and it takes Jisung back to that one party night, where he first got to kiss Seungmin, wanting nothing but to worship his pretty large cock.

“Back in the day, you were all I could think about, Seungminnie.” he tells him for no reason, the weight of Seungmin in his hand as he strokes him making him heady, his eyes fogging up and his tongue turning heavy in his mouth. “I was so ashamed of myself, but there was no way around it. I thought about you, and your pretty lips, and your nose, and your shoulders, and how they would look with my nail marks all over it.”

Seungmin’s moan is so deep it almost doesn’t come out, as if he breathed it in, but he can feel his body wincing, his cock twitching in Jisung’s hand.

“I watched you in baseball practice and the only thing I could think of was how many positions you could bend me and split me in half.” Jisung can’t help but sound needy, as needy as he felt every time he had gotten himself off at the thought of his brother. “Your hands on my waist, on my ass, around my neck. Fuck.”

Jisung waits for Seungmin to say something every time, loading space for him to speak but just getting low whimpers and the occasional thrust of his cock in Jisung’s hand. Jisung observes his face as he rotates his hand up and down, spreading the pre-cum gathered at the tip. Seungmin looks overwhelmed, tilting his head to the side, pushing his hair back.

“Do not give me that I didn’t want you.” Jisung tightens his jaw, anger rushing at him at the mere idea again. “I needed you so bad that every time I tried to forget, to meet other people, to—to convince myself that what I felt was so wrong… I just ended up thinking about you more. Thought about you for every single person I fucked, for every fling I tried to convince myself I had feelings for, thought about you every time I fucked my hand or my ass desperately wishing it was you instead.”

“Hyung…” Seungmin moans, and he crowds against Jisung even more, arm slipping around his waist to keep only enough space for Jisung to move his wrist, and Jisung is sure he could come just from the look on Seungmin’s face and the knowledge of finally touching him. He spits on his hand haphazardly to get Seungmin’s cock to slide better, accelerating his motions. “You could have had me any way you wanted, hyung… I was yours to take.”

Jisung feels sick. Seungmin was his. Was.

He curses, his eyes trying to map everything on Seungmin's face, desperate to save it, to burn his rosy lips and half-lidded eyes and blushing skin into the crevices of his brain forever. He drags his free hand to Seungmin's face, holding his cheek with shaky hands.

“Baby…” Jisung moans too, his own neglected cock impossibly hard. “I'm so sorry…”

He reaches down to get to his dick, trying to jerk them both off with the same hand, but he's only able to move his fingers up and down their touching tips, the rest being too large for him to move properly — even though, it still feels insane, the feeling of Seungmin's cock against his own, them both leaking at the same time.

Jisung usually doesn't last so little, but the way his balls are tightening is dangerous, and he concentrates on touching them up to the point his hand can reach, glancing at his brother to analyze his reactions.

Seungmin looks so fucked out like this Jisung could think he's doing something really amazing or mind-blowing with his hands. Jisung's heart is barely holding together, beating like it's going to burst out of his chest, and tipping the edge, he closes the space of his and Seungmin's face, capturing his brother's lips with his own.

He moans as he feels Seungmin open up to him instantly, his soft, pillowy lips enveloping his and for a moment they breathe in the same space, their mouths pressed to one another. Seungmin doesn't wait to receive what Jisung has to give him this time, he takes it, wrapping his tongue around Jisung's and licking him eagerly, wanting and knowing how to get it. Jisung can only try to reciprocate his energy, his mouth often falling open between whimpers as he strokes both of them with all the strength he has.

Jisung comes as Seungmin keeps licking his mouth, tightening his grip around his waist as Jisung starts to cry and thrash through it, begging Seungmin for nothing and everything as he paints them white with spent.

As he comes down from his incredibly strong high — for something as soft as frotting their tips —, Jisung rests his cheek against Seungmin's face, who presses his lips softly against it, breathing as uneven as Jisung's. He looks down swiftly to inspect the mess he made, his hand and Seungmin's cock and shirt all covered in his cum. Jisung lets his soft dick fall away from his fingers, now touching Seungmin properly, and the cum makes the glide of his fingers on his shaft so much easier. Seungmin hisses at the gentle strokes, hips bucking slightly on Jisung's hand.

With his face pressed so close to Seungmin's, he can hear every single delicious sound that leaves his mouth as Jisung drives past through his own exhaustion to touch him with his best intent, wrist starting to cramp. He can almost feel Seungmin's pleasure as his own when the signs of his release approach, his skin prickling, his whole body on fire.

The noise Seungmin makes when he comes revisits the one time he had heard him, the memory tucked preciously in his mind, locked and safe as if he could forget everything else but this. Seungmin coming by Jisung's hands is a new melody entirely, sweet as honey as it coats the insides of his head, leaving it heavy and warm. A single tear, dropping belatedly from Seungmin's eye, catches on Jisung's lips against his cheek.

Jisung waits for him to stop panting for the most, and when he feels his brother breathing deeply, he snugs his clean hand around his neck gently, making a heavy-eyed, blushed Seungmin look at him through his long, wet lashes.

“You’ okay?” Jisung whispers, and he can swear his heart feels twice the size.

Seungmin sniffles, nodding softly, letting his mouth open to breathe through.

Jisung doesn't know what to say next, doesn't know what to do. He feels a little more clear-headed, and panic starts to rise around his body like slow, growing thorny rose bushes. It's almost unbelievable what he just did. It almost makes him mad, upset, as it always did when he allowed to have just a little more than it was acceptable. But Seungmin is looking at him, and the part of himself that wants to have this so desperately, that loves staring at his little brother so close he can count his small pores is growing stronger, holding space.

“I love you.” Jisung's voice almost doesn't come out, weak and squeaky. Tears pool in his eyes again, and he can't stop them, he simply can't.

Seungmin blinks slowly, leaning into Jisung's touch. He closes his eyes.

“Okay, hyung.” he whispers, and it's confusing, it's small, it's not enough, but Jisung accepts it nonetheless.

Seungmin rubs the back of his hand against his running nose. He tucks his slacks back in place. There's a line of cum right against his shirt, and Jisung looks around until he finds a box of tissues in a corner, taking his hand away from Seungmin's neck to clean him up.

“It's okay.” Seungmin envelopes his hand around Jisung's wrist, tugging it away from him. Jisung doesn't want to, but Seungmin's already creating some space between them that makes Jisung want to hurl.

He doesn't, though. He doesn't protest either, just watching as Seungmin tries to do something about how disheveled he looks. Jisung slowly drags himself from over the table to do the same.

The silence is cold around them. Jisung worries for the first time about the noise they made, but he pushes the thought away fast, since it's useless. He gets dressed, his eyes preening at Seungmin's back turned to him.

If it was back then, Jisung would have hugged him from behind, sated his face against his shoulder blades to smell him and let his senses be drowned by his brother's presence, the realness of his flesh between his hands. That's what he usually did when he felt this much pain and uncertainty, this much guilt and need all at the same time.

He does nothing but call his name weakly. Apologetically. Seungmin looks over his shoulder.

"Hm?"

Jisung inhales slowly. "Can we talk? Somewhere else?"

Jisung is sitting by the windowsill, legs crossed, his hanging foot shaking as he looks outside.

When he suggested for them to talk somewhere else, Seungmin is sure he hadn't meant a whole hotel room, but Seungmin just told him to pull up to a hotel downtown half-way to nowhere.

He insisted he was not drunk and that he could drive, but Jisung wouldn't let him either way, so he just conformed to leaving his car parked inside the building and he would just fetch it the next morning.

Seungmin's antsy as he leaves the bathroom and spots Jisung. His brother's eyes are instantly attracted to the sound, and he almost gets up from his place, putting his hands on his knees but hesitating, as if expecting Seungmin to get closer instead.

Seungmin wasn't lying before, he's not drunk. Not anymore. He actually wishes he was, maybe his head wouldn't be pounding and his mouth wouldn't taste so bitter.

He gets closer. He sits on the big double bed, shoulders slumping forward as he reaches to his neckline, loosing and getting his tie off. Seungmin notices Jisung's gaze following every single one of his actions as he unbuttons his shirt slowly, only enough so he can feel he's breathing a little better.

"Why did you come find me?" Seungmin asks, leaning back and inhaling the recently running air-conditioner. It has been a hot night.

Jisung fidgets with his hands. "Everything you said that day stuck with me and it made me think—no, it just made me realize how much I have been hiding from my feelings all these years."

Seungmin doesn't say anything else, he just lets Jisung speak. He wants to listen to everything he has to say. He needs to listen to all of it, so he can decide if he believes any of it.

"I talked to Hyunjin the other day. I confessed, actually." Jisung says sheepishly. Seungmin blinks fast and incredulous at the information. "She has this way of making me talk, it's unnerving."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I just… It was a mess." he chuckles. "Did you know there were rumors in college about you and me?"

Seungmin tights his lips into a line guiltily.

"So you knew… Why didn’t you tell me? Did you have a hard time because of it?" Jisung says with a worried frown.

"Not really. I just heard it around. Basketball team guys joked about me being your girlfriend once in a while, but nothing noticeable." Jisung scowls, fisting his hands. "A girl I hooked up with once dead-ass asked me if we were fucking."

"Jesus." his brother exhales.

"Didn't really affect me, though. I thought you knew." he retorts truthfully.

"No, I wouldn't have let it be if I did." he shakes his head, sighing. "Anyway, it came up when I was talking to Hyunjin. She wasn't really that surprised when I told her, just angry. I realized — what's even the point in all of this?"

Seungmin frowns confusedly at the general statement. Jisung picks up on it, and he looks like he's trying to find a way to explain what he means.

"I've given up on you because I thought you'd be better off like that," Jisung's look in his direction is a mist of sadness and affection that digs into Seungmin's chest. "I know how it sounds, but I was scared. I was scared I was ruining your life, I was scared for me too, I was young and—fuck, Seungmin. I was completely obsessed with you."

Seungmin feels his cheeks warming up in a way that makes him feel so young again.

"But in the end, what did that get us? I cheated on my wife that deserves so much better than this. I went after Minha just to get the slightest scrape of you—miserable and pathetic in ways I can't even describe. I made you miserable making your wife cheat on you—"

"Huh?" Seungmin interjects. "Minha didn't cheat. Our marriage—our relationship is open."

Jisung's big eyes get bigger. "What?"

"I—I guessed she would have told you? It's complicated but she can have sex with whoever she wants to, it's not really my business…"

Jisung stays silent for a moment, seeming as if he's computing new information.

"So that day you came to my office, you were upset about…?"

"Hyung?" Seungmin is baffled yet again. "I was upset that you would even have an affair with her since you knew it would hurt me. You knew it was hitting too close to me when I… I could never have you in the same way."

He's murmuring by the end of his sentence, humiliation burning in his stomach like bitter liquor for having to say this out loud.

Jisung looks entirely taken aback. "So you… you still love me?"

Seungmin just stares at him, thoughts swimming in his head like fish but he's bare-handed and is failing to catch any of them. He opens his mouth slightly a few times, but no words come out.

His brother gets up suddenly, and he quickly makes his way over to Seungmin, who's still trying to catch up when Jisung grabs both sides of his face and kisses him.

Seungmin's heart leaps in his chest, blood gushing in his ears at the softness of his lips. He pushes a hand against his brother's chest with no real strength, almost against his will, but Jisung budges, leaning back and looking at him in the eye, blush spread over his face.

"I'm sorry," he says, dropping by Seungmin's side on the bed. His hands leave Seungmin's face and he immediately misses it. "I'm sorry, I…"

"You had to know better than think I could ever be over you, hyung." Seungmin mumbles, looking away.

His brother kisses him again.

Seungmin could never have in him to want Jisung to stop, so he kisses him back, licking into the lips he always wanted to. That were meant for him, just for him — written all over his blood as a reminder.

"Sorry, I just—" Jisung whispers between kisses and difficult breaths. "I thought… I'm sorry if you don't want this right now, I couldn't stop myself—"

"Hyung. Shut up." Seungmin says against his mouth, one hand on his scalp and the other swimming down to his hip.

Jisung feels like heaven and hell against his skin, his skimmy hands running over Seungmin's collarbones and grabbing at his shoulders. He tastes like the first breath out of water and the pain of full hurting lungs all the same. Addicting, burning, destructive and just irresistible.

Their tongues swirl and dig into each other's mouths, and Jisung licks his teeth eagerly, soon turning the kisses sloppy enough to produce wet noises from them. Seungmin bites his bottom lip with urgency, and Jisung sighs in satisfaction as he lets it out, not leaving any openings before lapping at his tongue again.

He pushes Seungmin back slightly to straddle him, a path of newly formed tears in his cheeks. Seungmin reaches for his face, wiping the wetness from his skin, the labored breath Jisung lets out tickles Seungmin's hand. Seungmin catches Jisung's fingers between his.

"You're still a crybaby, huh?" Seungmin murmurs, kissing his trembling knuckles.

He finds it in himself to think how beautiful his brother is, even in his current state. His brown eyes shine under the gentle light of the hotel room, and it crushes Seungmin's chest with the feelings he fought hard to forget and never got to, not for a single moment.

"I'm sorry," Jisung says for what seems to be the hundredth time. He holds out his arms to tangle around Seungmin's shoulders, and his effort of getting them as close as possible makes Jisung move right above his half-hard dick. "I'm sorry if it's a turn off, I just can't seem to stop…"

Seungmin grabs his neck, holding his brother even closer to his face, his soft lips falling around his cute teeth in that way that always had Seungmin wondering how they would feel around his cock.

His skin thrums and his throat feels tight as he leans in to lick one of the tear paths in his face slowly, tasting the salt in his tongue. Jisung moans softly, surprised, his hands squeezing Seungmin's shoulders.

"It's not." Seungmin says, lips brushing against Jisung's cheek. "In fact, you should cry so much more to make it up to me, hyung."

He feels the whole-body shudder that rips through Jisung, feeling sickly satisfied with it. He kisses his brother's wet cheek, holding him firm by his neck with one hand and trailing the other down to drag at the waistband of Jisung's slacks.

His brother is soft in his arms, almost pliant. It's so new, because Jisung had always fought back whenever they were playing fight, and he usually won because Seungmin would let him. He had never told him that, the triumphant expression on his face was always worth it, heart-shaped smile and reddened cheeks making up for losing. But this, the way he is essentially turning himself in right into Seungmin's greedy, dirty hands, feels just as incredible.

Seungmin teases him. Kisses his cheek and ear and jaw, listening to the symphony of his breaths and tiny reactions. His hand threatens to enter his slacks a few times, and drag over his stomach and pillowy chest. Jisung is writhing in his lap by the time Seungmin touches him over his boxers. He moves his hips along the touch, creating friction with Seungmin's trapped erection under him.

"Seungminnie, please." Jisung lays his head on Seungmin's shoulder, his back forming a hill as he jerks his ass up now to purposefully grind against Seungmin. "Need you. Please."

Seungmin bites his bottom lip as he makes Jisung look at him again. His initial idea was to make this excruciatingly slow, to torture his older brother with a fare of his own choices, but it seems like Seungmin greatly overestimated himself and how strong he could be in face of Jisung. He had always, always been the worst at denying his brother anything, he doesn't know why he thought this time would be any different.

Seungmin pushes their lips together again, soft and tempting, licking Jisung's mouth just lightly, not giving him enough space to deepen their kiss.

"Show me how bad do you want it, hyung." he whispers in the breath of air he shares with Jisung, noses nudging at each other. "And maybe I'll let you have it."

Anyone from a mile away can tell Seungmin is bluffing, but Jisung doesn't point it out, doesn't even voice any of his thoughts. He just nods, slowly but surely, determination in his eyes.

Jisung climbs off of Seungmin's lap, and even though it slightly disappoints him, Seungmin doesn't react, opting for training his eyes to watching his brother's every move.

Jisung sits on his heels, his hands reaching for the button-down shirt he's wearing, undoing the buttons and throwing it off of his arms. Seungmin sighs at the sight of obscene amount of honey-skin he's allowed to see, his muscled pecs heavy like tits, his softly-toned stomach making Seungmin want to take him down and bite every patch of skin he can get his hands on. Seungmin is sure it must be quick, but it feels like an eternity, watching Jisung slide his legs to the side of the bed and get out of his slacks.

Seungmin watches, hypnotized, as Jisung steps on the ground and then kneels between his legs. His breath catches in his throat, feeling his heart beat three times faster. Jisung lets his hands rest on Seungmin's thighs, and his teeth are suddenly on the fabric next to the button of his pants, pulling it open. Seungmin's cock drools against his hip at the sight, and not satisfied with that alone, his brother bites down the zipper too to drag it down. Jisung's nose nudges against his dick over his underwear, pressing a kiss into the material.

Seungmin's whole body is hot, the flames reaching for his throat and slowly claiming every part of him. He pulls at the buttons of his shirt with trembling hands, hoping to get some air in his system. Looking at Jisung between his legs is certainly not helping, but kill him if he would ever look away from it.

Jisung's hands skim through his hips, attempting to take off his slacks. Seungmin quickly understands as he pushes it down his thighs with all the strength he has to not turn into a mess immediately.

When his brother gets his hands on his legs, Seungmin can't do anything but watch as he slowly claims every patch of skin with his fingers and mouth, kissing his thighs up until to the limit of his underwear.

He drops his lips open, tongue hanging as he mouths at Seungmin's bulge. The fabric quickly soakes up the wetness from his mouth, and he moves his hips a little. Jisung grabs the waistband of his underwear.

"Take it off?" he asks, his red tongue still in sight as he speaks.

Seungmin is lost in a haze as he obeys, his cock springing free and slapping against his stomach when he pulls the underwear rather abruptly. Jisung quickly crowds his face between his legs, hungry eyes as he presses his tongue flat against the head.

"You taste good." Jisung says wearily as he recoils his tongue, licking away the bead of pre-cum that was sitting on top of his dick. "You're annoying, do you know that?"

The grabs the base and then envelops some of the length with his warm mouth, and Seungmin's eyes float shut with the sensation. He forces them open again when he feels Jisung making himself swallow inch by inch until the head is hitting the back of his throat, not wanting to miss anything.

Jisung looks up with barely contained tears in his eyes even though he has only got to little more than half of it. He's… breathtaking, with his big round eyes and pretty lips stretched around his girth. Seungmin thrusts softly, tentative, and Jisung swallows around it.

He pulls it out with an obscene amount of saliva on the bottom half of his face, using it to jerk Seungmin off. Jisung spits on his dick, breathing heavily as he noses against it again, as if he can't keep himself away.

"You've never told me any specifics about your hook-ups with men," Seungmin sees himself saying, attracting Jisung's wet eyes. He pants, showing his teeth. So cute. "But somehow I knew you were a messy slut."

Jisung moans openly, his tongue flapping against the shaft. He makes sure to make an even bigger mess, letting out some more spit run down his chin. Seungmin bites his lips as he takes a hold of his own cock, slapping against Jisung's cheek, and he watches as his brother's pupils grow even wider.

He lets Jisung take his dick back into his hand, dragging the head over his lips slowly and then shoving it into his mouth. Jisung pops it out with a smack like he does to lollipops. Seungmin sinks his own nails on his thigh.

"You'd think I'm some depraved sicko from how much I thought about doing this." Jisung says, his voice wet. "Just get down on my knees for you, Minnie."

Seungmin groans, and when Jisung takes him back into the heat of his mouth he can't help but thrust his hips forward, seeking more. Jisung seems to stop to take a deep breath before hollowing his cheeks and start moving with purpose, his hand touching what he can't cover with his mouth.

"Big talk for someone who can't even f-fit me all the way in." Seungmin says, feeling feverish already.

Jisung takes his cock out of his mouth to spit on it again, jerking him off furiously. He's panting when he whispers:

"Don't worry, hyung can fit you somewhere else."

And it's true, Jisung can't fit Seungmin in his mouth, but he does a great job with what he has, occasionally taking him as far as he can until he's gurgling and has to stop.

Just as Seungmin starts worrying about coming, Jisung stops, dragging his lips away. He's panting, breath hitting Seungmin's cock in a way that has him squirming.

Jisung gets up, climbing on his lap and kissing Seungmin again. He can feel his own taste on his brother's tongue and it makes him lightheaded. His hands are on Jisung's ass, clawing at his underwear as if it personally offended him. Seungmin's almost surprised when he hears and feels the fabric tearing between his hands, and Jisung pulls back to look at him wide-eyed.

"Shit." Seungmin mutters, trying to get a look at what he just pulled.

Jisung doesn't let him. He pushes Seungmin even further on the bed, making him half-lay down. Jisung has this feverish expression on his face, his pupils wide, mouth still slightly coated in spit. He finds one of Seungmin's hands, and Seungmin only complies like a whole marionette, watching his brother larp his tongue on two of his fingers.

Seungmin curves his knuckles inside Jisung's mouth, and his eyebrows are drawn up, his hips moving on Seungmin's lap, rubbing his trapped erection against Seungmin's stomach. When he pulls Seungmin's hand off, it connects to Jisung's bottom lip through a string of saliva. Seungmin shudders visibly, biting on his cheek nervously as Jisung controls his moves again, dragging Seungmin's hand to his hole, right where the his boxers are ripped.

"C'mon, baby." Jisung says, leaning forward and pecking Seungmin's lips.

Seungmin touches him there, mesmerized, unbelieving still. He prods at his rim until his index finger breaches, trying to be as careful as possible.

Jisung, apparently, won't have that. He grabs Seungmin's wrist and pushes his entire finger in at once, moaning as he lays his cheek on Seungmin's shoulder. Jisung moves his hips, and Seungmin takes that as an indication to move his finger, thrusting it into Jisung slowly.

He does it until the spit is all dried up and it becomes harder to do so. Seungmin takes his finger out, and Jisung whimpers softly against his shoulder.

Seungmin means to lube his fingers up to get back to preparing Jisung, but his older brother quickly draws his body back, his hand finding Seungmin's cock behind him. He whines at the sudden contact, and he doesn't realize what his hyung is up to before Jisung is lifting his hips to tap the head of Seungmin's cock against his hole.

"Hyung, wait—" Seungmin holds him by the elbows, making Jisung look up. Maybe his brother hadn't had sex with a man for too long, maybe he has forgotten. "You're not ready. It's gonna be painful for you."

Jisung moves his hand up and down on Seungmin's dick, a smirk breaching his lips. He keeps staring right into Seungmin's eyes when he pulls his hand back to spit right on it. His touch goes back to Seungmin's length, spreading the little slick he got around it.

"It's okay, Seungminnie." he says, his free hand wrapping around the crook of Seungmin's neck. "I want it to hurt. Please, make it hurt."

Seungmin's heart fills with too many feelings at once as Jisung sinks down on him. His mouth is instantly parted open in a needy moan, and his brother is no different, eyes closed and eyebrows frowned in concentration.

Seungmin holds onto his waist, still so worried despite everything he has claimed. The sensation of Jisung around him is insane, and he has to stop himself from rutting his hips as soon as Jisung gets almost all the way down.

His brother's hand reach for his face, dragging some of Seungmin's attention. Jisung kisses him softly, and then rests his forehead against Seungmin's, his back dipping in Seungmin's hands.

"It's okay, puppy, do what you gotta." he whispers. A chill runs through his body at the pet name use. It has been so long — it feels like forever.

Without being able to wait more, Seungmin thrusts his hips up, moaning at the way Jisung's sweet and tight hole almost tries to force him out. He does it, over and over, making Jisung gasp and whimper on his ears, and Seungmin knows some of it must be of pain, his cock rubbing him raw inside.

Seungmin does his best to make the drag easier, to fuck him slowly, but his thighs burn in extent of trying to keep the rhythm.

He quickly embraces his brother and changes their positions, slipping his cock out as Jisung stares at him in soft awe. Seungmin shares a deep kiss with him before grabbing his hips and turning him to lay on his chest against the bed.

Seungmin pulls back enough just to spit the most he can directly into Jisung's hole. He teases his rim with the tip of his cock, pushing the spit in as he groans at the feeling.

Jisung shudders when Seungmin slips back in, one hand on the small of his back. The thrust that comes next is easier, and his brother mouths something unintelligible against the pillow where his face is smashed against.

He thrusts, and he can't help but moan himself with the heavenly sensation of that grip on his cock. Jisung moves back against him, swaying his hips, his back dipping to the point his chest meets the mattress completely. Seungmin feels his cock pulsing at the image of him like that: completely helpless, at Seungmin's will, taking everything he has got to give him. Perfect, as Seungmin always envisioned. As he always dreamed of.

He looks up, trying to step tears from pooling in his eyes. He focuses on the sensation of Jisung around him, on the hot furnace of both his hole and his body wherever Seungmin touches him. Seungmin fucks him as deep as he can with every thrust, sheathing himself inside all the way, grinding his hips into it, earning the sweetest whimpers from his brother, the perfect sounds of pleasure that Seungmin is the one giving him, finally.

Seungmin locks his hands on his hips, pulling Jisung to him every time he pushes, holding himself from crying about how good it feels. He next moments that go by, Seungmin tries his best to aim for Jisung's prostate, and he doesn't even have to try to decipher when is he doing it, since Jisung moans the loudest he had yet, head thrown back, his face leaving the pillow.

"Fuck, baby, right there, again, please—" he begs, and his voice becomes a whine when Seungmin does it again. "Oh my g—oh fuck, Seungminnie, so good, so perfect…"

Seungmin whimpers at the praise, pistoning his cock in and out erratically. He feels like a virgin, experimenting the sweetness of a hole for the first time. H might as well be, because it's Jisung, because it's his older brother whom he loves more than anything, despite everything he has done — that they have done to each other.

"Hyung, hyung…" Seungmin chants. He lowers down his torso, holding Jisung as close to him as he can as he wraps himself on him, chin resting between his shoulder blades with a pained expression.

His hands draw at their sides, searching for Jisung's, and when his brother realizes, he reaches back until Seungmin is closing his fingers on top of Jisung's, burying his face on his shoulder as his hips keeps driving them both closer to their climax, the sound of skin slapping and their pants and moans filling the hotel room to the maximum.

"Seung… hmmm…" Jisung mumbles groggily. Jisung clenches around his dick, his body shivering under him. "I'm n-not going to… last much longer, but…"

Seungmin knows, he can feel it everywhere they touch, he can feel their bodies tuning into each other, scraping back to how close they used to be, desperately rekindling the connection that has never been only about blood. Bringing Seungmin back to when he just knew that one day, he would be Jisung's, and Jisung be his.

Mine, he mouths on the skin of his shoulder.

"Yes, fuck, baby," Jisung says, whiny and wet. Seungmin's eyes widen softly, realizing he had spoken the word, a whisper only, but enough for Jisung to catch it. "Yours, I'm all yours. Always have been. Always—!"

Seungmin snaps his hips violently, and Jisung is coming with a muffled scream of Seungmin's name, tensing and trembling as he spills on the bed.

Seungmin finally leans back, letting go of Jisung's hands and wiping his forehead, tossing his hair back. He whimpers as Jisung keeps clenching his cock like it's his sole mission, riding out his orgasm as best as he can. Seungmin tries to hold himself back, his hips quivering as he goes slower, but it only results on deeper, full-powered thrusts against Jisung's abused hole, almost like spasms.

His brother mumbles something Seungmin fails to catch, and he forces himself to stop completely, buried in him to the hilt.

"What's it, hyung?" he asks, hands on his sides, feeling Jisung draw deep breaths.

"Keep going, Seungminnie." he says, cheek pressed against the pillow, a track of tears over his face. "Fill me up, please…"

Seungmin grits his teeth, rearing back and ramming his cock inside again, watching Jisung's knees try to close onto themselves. Seungmin's mouth fills with drool. He needs only a few more thrusts, coming inside his brother with a deep, hearty moan.

Jisung collapses on the mattress as soon as Seungmin pulls out with a grunt. He falls to the bed, facing up, his lungs hurting to keep up with his need for proper oxygen.

Seungmin observes, with a never-stopping rapid heartbeat, as Jisung crawls closer, an arm pulling around his middle. Seungmin sighs, welcoming him as he turns to his side, and Jisung hugs him from the back with a wet hum, and even wordless, he sounds about to start crying again.

"I can't believe that just happened." Jisung murmurs against his shoulder blade, his voice shaking with the effort — and probably, the feeling.

Jisung's arm squeezes around him, and Seungmin rests his hand above his brother's, throat closing on itself. Seungmin can't, either. He feels dizzy, nauseous, terrified, mind spinning with the weight, with severity of the transgression, of the sin — and he's so, so fucking happy.

"Oh my god, oh, fuck." Jisung mutters, but he doesn't sound scared, he sounds amazed. He presses his lips against Seungmin's shoulder over and over, kissing his skin incessantly. "It was so good. So right. I love you so much, so much, more than anything."

Seungmin can't help but smile. Jisung's babbling, as always, just letting everything out without a filter, as he used to, before everything happened. The burst of adoring comments, the love confessions that were never just brotherly — also, but not only.

"I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry." Jisung tightens his grip on him. Seungmin swallows a lump in his throat, his lips curving down instantly. "I'm so, so sorry. I love you, I love you so much."

"Hyung…" Seungmin tries, weakly, but it just makes Jisung hold him tighter, and he feels his brother's tears wetting his shoulder.

"Please, please don't leave me. Please." Seungmin's heart beats in pain, as if it's too big for his chest. "I'll— I'll do anything you ask. Anything. Just give me another chance. Please. I'm begging you."

Seungmin's eyes burn, and he closes them, making the tears fall down and into the pillow. He opens his mouth, breathing in, trying to make his voice work.

"Are you… sure?" his sentence is no more than a gush of wind.

"I can't live without you anymore, Seungmin. I see that now." Jisung whispers. "Please."

Seungmin's body erupts in goosebumps at the confession, and his heart feels liquefied. His eyes well up even more, and it's crazy, it's confusing — it's everything Seungmin wanted his entire life. He always thought that made him the most selfish person on Earth, wanting Jisung to not be able to live without him, struggling to fight his way up every single day without him.

For ten years, Seungmin wondered how it would be to hear those words, to have his brother not only back, but at its fullest. No, it has been way before that, even before he realized it was possible for him to lose Jisung, before his heart was took out of his chest by his most beloved's bare hands. After that, he also wondered what would he do, if he would be able to chase him away, if he would be able to deny his heart's desire to not let himself be made a fool once again, and he fought to believe he would. How stupid of him.

"Hyung, can we talk again tomorrow? Once we're clear-headed?" it hurts Seungmin to say, because he wants to scream at the top of his lungs that he loves him, that he would also do anything for him, but he knows it's the right thing to do. Jisung immediately hugs him even closer, filling up any possible spaces that there could be between them, just like an anxious animal defending its fragile life. Seungmin squeezes his brother's hand on his stomach. "I'm not going anywhere."

Jisung is awfully quiet for several moments, only breathing unevenly on Seungmin's bare skin.

"Promise?" he says at last.

"Promise."

Jisung wakes up to silence, only the air-conditioner running above his head, and the softest even breath right next to his face.

His mind runs too quick for someone who has been awake for thirty seconds, and his heart races impossibly, so fast and loud that, for a moment, he's scared it will wake up Seungmin.

He observes, with an inevitable grin, their strange position, with Seungmin, the taller one, being the little spoon. It has always been like this, ever since when Seungmin was the smallest one, crying his way into Jisung's bed at night because he wanted his big brother to hug him to sleep.

Jisung feels tears in his eyes before he can even think. He nuzzles even closer, delicately, the smell of pure Seungmin filling his airways with life.

He does his best to not make any noises, and not move too much, but his silent sobs and trembling shoulders still manage to make Seungmin stir out of slumber.

"Hyung?" his voice is hoarse and low, and Jisung sniffles, this time out loud.

Seungmin looks over his shoulder slowly, his eyes barely open. Jisung tries to fix himself, but Seungmin is already turning around, without leaving Jisung's embrace. He plants his elbow on the bed, propping himself up to hover his brother's face, his broad, naked shoulders crowding his sight.

He touches Jisung's face carefully, his hand warm.

"It's okay, hyung. Don't cry." he's back at talking, his melodious voice in the morning still the prettiest thing Jisung has ever heard.

Jisung holds his arm, looking up at his sleepy face, and he bites his cheek, trying not to cry more at how beautiful he looks all disheveled like this.

Seungmin lowers his face and kisses him, carefully. Jisung kisses back with his heart loud in his ears. When they separate, Seungmin just keeps looking at him from up close, caressing his face with his thumb, as if he can't believe this is happening.

"Did you sleep well?" Jisung speaks, even though he sounds like a mess.

Seungmin nods with his head.

"Compared to how I've been sleeping in these past few months, last night was… invigorating." he mumbles. His words are light, even though they make Jisung hurt.

Jisung grabs his hand against his face with an apologetic look. "I'm sorry."

Seungmin just nods again. "I know."

He drops a kiss to Jisung's forehead, and he blushes. It makes him feel small, as if he's the one being cared for, as if he's the younger one. Maybe back in the day, Jisung didn't want to see through this perspective, since he was the older one, supposedly responsible, but Seungmin was constantly taking care of him too, in every sense of it. Jisung wonders that it's amazing of him to have made this far without Seungmin — barely, at that.

A phone rings somewhere. Jisung looks around, but it isn't his, since his phone is probably dead by now. He pushes down a sense of dread when Seungmin separates from him to get his ringing phone on the bedside table.

"Hello." he picks up. "Yeah, everything's okay, noona."

Seungmin glances at Jisung, who's staring at him too.

"No, I'm still with hyung." he says, and Jisung feels a chill in his bones. "Yeah, okay. Fine, I'll swing by. Don't worry. Love you, bye."

Jisung's stomach flips anxiously as he watches Seungmin hang up and deposit his phone back where it was.

"What are you looking at me with those pitiful eyes for?" Seungmin smirks as he slips back to where he was lying, leaning his head on his hand. Jisung can't even pretend to be normal as he scoots closer.

"You're leaving?" he asks.

Seungmin shakes his head with a chuckle. "Not now, hyung. In the afternoon."

Jisung wants to complain about that too; ask for Seungmin to stay with him for the rest of the day, holed up together in this hotel room, but he knows they have real lives to attend to, so instead he says:

"Was that Minha?"

Seungmin hesitates as Jisung says her name. "Yeah. I texted her yesterday, and I told her I would call but I didn't."

Jisung just nods along. Seungmin seems pretty relaxed for someone whose wife just called after an entire night out. "Does she… know?"

Seungmin hesitates again, before nodding with his head. Jisung widens his eyes in shock, his mouth dropping half-open. He reaches for Seungmin's arm.

"Oh!" he exclaims, raising from his laying position slightly. Seungmin scratches his head. "Did you—tell her?"

His brother slides his arm from Jisung's touch, just to get to hold his hand instead. Jisung blushes like a teenager, heart smashing against his ribcage.

"Yeah, uhm. A while ago." Seungmin looks away from Jisung's face, his expression morphing into a shadow of pain. He stares at their linked hands. "She noticed that I haven't been taking it very well that you both, you know."

Jisung's nose start to sting again, his lips quivering. He almost apologizes again, but Seungmin knows — he knows, Jisung repeating himself like a parrot would do no good at this point.

"It has been tough, I won't lie to you, hyung. All the doubt and the pain… I could mask it, push it until I almost smothered my feelings, but after that, it's like a dam broke." he sighs. "I was in pretty bad shape. I mean, I don't need to tell you, you saw me last night. I'm a mess."

"I get what you mean." Jisung murmurs, also staring at their hands. "I wanted so bad to deny everything, because… I really believed I was doing the best by staying away from you. I thought… when you got married, and then, you and Minha had Yongbok, it was a cruel reaffirmation that you were better off without me, that I was trapping you in my abnormality and that you could live a fulfilling life without me standing in your way."

Seungmin raises his eyes, deep brown shimmering as he listens, and contrary to their conversation last night, he seems to be really paying attention; he looks like he believes Jisung now.

"I was… naive. And presumptuous." Jisung continues, also looking up, meeting those pretty, round eyes, just as pretty as when Jisung had first realized that those eyes were the only ones for him. "I thought I had to be responsible for everything because I was older. I had this feeling that it was all my fault and I needed to fix it to at least let you try living normally."

Seungmin nods along, his sad face giving Jisung heartache.

"I guess…" Seungmin voices, weakly. "I guess we were immature. I never questioned you to why you suddenly… stopped. I just assumed the worst, and I clung to my own version of the truth. Maybe I was also scared of how we were supposed to live in this position."

Jisung reaches for his brother's face, the feeling of his skin on his palm having everything in Jisung screaming. Seungmin looks up at him slowly, sad puppy eyes in view.

"Don't do that. It's not your fault." he says, and it's maddening that he even has to voice that. "You know it's not."

Seungmin just agrees with his head.

"Yeah, well. I just," Seungmin's lips curl, and he looks up in that way he does whenever he's trying to stop himself from crying. "I've always thought what could have been different if I had acted different. If I fought back instead of being so passive, and I had hid it, pushed it down, but I had always been so angry. At myself, at you, the circumstances, the unfairness of it all. And then, when Minha told me… it just gutted me so deeply, it brought it all out. I fought with her like she had done something horrible at first and I regret it so much. I was so fucking hurt, I thought you had done it to purposefully to hurt me, and that's what made everything so much worse."

Jisung brings their joined hands to his face, kissing the back of Seungmin's hand. He closes his eyes, a single tear strolling down his cheek.

"I would never do that. I'm so sorry I got to a point that would made you think that." Jisung says, leaning his forehead against their hands. "I know I can be a selfish bastard, hell, I know I am not a good person. But I really do love you."

He feels Seungmin slipping closer, dragging them under the covers. His brother lays against his shoulder, and Jisung holds him, as he had before, as he should have done all this time.

"And… about what I said yesterday," Jisung starts, gulping down the bitter feeling it causes him to say this, but he has to. It's only fair to his baby brother. "When I asked you to not leave me. I— I was in a irrational emotional state."

Seungmin stares up at his face with his eyebrows furrowed.

"I know I don't have the right to ask you for anything. Whatever you decide to do, I'll accept it, I promise."

Seungmin sighs, heavy, leaning his head away from Jisung's shoulder and into the pillow, looking at the window. Jisung can't help but get agitated at the reaction.

"Did I say something wrong?" he blurts out, turning at Seungmin, squeezing their fingers together.

Seungmin shakes his head slightly, still staring away, mulling over for a moment without producing any sounds.

"It's just, I don't want that, hyung." he cracks the knuckles of his free hand. "Letting me decide is just too easy. You're basically dodging the responsibility."

Jisung stays silent for a moment.

"Tell me what you want, then, baby. Tell hyung and he will do whatever it takes." he says, as serious and firm as he can. As much as there's things he doesn't actively know, there can be no space for doubt in the fact that he will do anything for Seungmin.

His younger brother rises to look him down, propping himself from his elbows.

"Ask me to stay with you. No," Seungmin interrupts himself. "Beg for it. Show me that you actually, truly care. That you would do everything in your power to make sure I stay with you. I don't want nonchalance or perfunctory respect that will push me away from you. I'm so sick of that."

Jisung blinks in awe, not far from shocked at Seungmin's words. Between them two, Jisung has always been the one to express his most intense emotions — in that expansive, abrasive way he often felt guilty about, worried he would scare Seungmin, drive him farther, though it never really did.

Tears spring into Jisung's eyes. At first, he can't do much but nod, frantically, once again bringing their joined hands to his face and kissing Seungmin's knuckles.

"Yes, yes, I can absolutely do that." he mumbles against his brother's skin. "I love you so much, Seungminnie. I love you with everything I have."

"I love you too, hyung." Seungmin says, almost a whisper, but it's loud. It's loud for Jisung and for what matters. There are tears in Seungmin's eyes as well.

Jisung's free hand crawls to his brother's face, bringing him gently to himself and pressing their lips together. Seungmin still tastes the same as he's did all those years ago. Perfect, Jisung thinks, still as perfect as then. Better, even. Better, knowing Seungmin can finally be his.