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“Rozy, you cocksucker!” Someone yelled as he pulled off his practice clothes. He couldn't tell who on account of the fabric over his head but it was loud, clear, and almost certainly because they all got the shit skated out of them for his sarcastic comments.
“I am the best cocksucker you will ever meet in your stupid life,” he chirped back, throwing his shirt into his locker and moving to take off his shoulder pads.
“Oh Roz, buddy,” Cliff Marleau said, looking a him like he’d just accidentally admitted to fucking treason. “That doesn’t mean what you think it means.”
Ilya scoffed. As if he, Ilya Rozanov, best player in the NHL and fuck boy extraordinaire, didn’t know what ‘cock’ and ‘suck’ meant. “I know what it means.”
“What are you secretly gay or something?” Hammersmith asked. “But you get the most women of all of us.”
Uneducated fucks.
“Come, come!” Ilya called. “Listen, I will teach you virgins about sex.”
His team looked towards him as he stood up, still in his gear from the waist down, barefoot, with sweat cooling on his undershirt. He couldn’t make it out from the murmurs in English, but Ilya swore he heard what sounded like Connors' voice mumble something about “20 bucks is 20 bucks.”
“I have sex with many women, yes?” He began.
“Fuck off, Roz!” Someone shouted.
“Sometimes, when you are like me and you have fucked every single woman in stupid city like St. Louis—”
“Fuck you!”
“—Or all the women are boring, you fuck a girl with a dick.” He finished with a grin.
The team around him burst into laughter.
“Good to know that trick happens to even the best of us,” Carmichael said, giving him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder as the team began to disperse, laughing among themselves.
“Nyet! No!” He called, regaining the teams attention. “It is not trick! Some of prettiest the women ever, they have a dick. And we fuck and she begs me for more over text, and I suck her dick like a gentleman after, unlike you degenerate fucks.”
“Degenerate, that’s a new word, where’s you learn that?” Connors teased, at the same time as someone else called out, “If it’s got a dick it’s not a chick!”
“It? This is pronoun for object, yes?” He asked, watching to see if Marleau gave him a nod. When he did, Ilya continued. “So this is why you never get laid! You call women object and she throws drink at you.”
“Fuck off, they don’t!” The voice defended, perhaps a little too seriously to be responding to a chirp. The crowd parted to reveal the voice-- Taillebois, a third line defender from some fuck ass city in the midwestern US, who famously had terrible luck with women due to his looks and apparently, his treatment of women.
Ilya grinned. “I have seen you go home alone many nights!” He said gleefully. “We have solved mystery of why Tally is so… so like he is! No woman will fuck him.”
“Fuck off Roz!” Tally responded, still a little too serious to not be genuinely hurt. “I get plenty of bitches, you’re the one sucking dick, fag!”
Ah fag. Пидор. A word Ilya had been called so many times it’d lost the meaning it was supposed to have. He generally avoided using it and tried to discourage such language in his locker room— partly on the principle of the thing, and also because he could, technically, be considered a faggot— but it didn’t have the punch that it was meant to.
“I am fag, yes, but you haven’t gotten laid in at least two months. I’ve seen you play,” he chirped back. It’d be nice to one day, seriously, say he was a fag. Of course, he never could, no more than he could publicly be with Shane Hollander, but it was a nice daydream.
“Fuck you! I’ve, I’ve slept with plenty of women!” Tally snapped back, puffing his chest out as he stumbled over his words.
Ilya couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh yes? Tell me about this woman then.”
“She’s uh,” Tally faltered, and Ilya heard himself snicker. “I fucked an Emma!”
“Okay, what does this Emma do?”
“Why the fuck would I know that?”
“Ah,” Ilya said, nodding dramatically. “The only girls Tally fucks are the ones he pays!” He shouted. “There is anything wrong with that of course. Some people cannot be so hot and sexy like me, and must pay. You tip, yes?”
“Fuck you she wasn’t a prostitute you dick! I just don’t give a shit about what a bitch does with her life," Tally retaliated, practically spitting in genuine anger.
Fucking hell. He had to fix this-- not because he gave a shit about Tally, but because he gave a shit about the poor women he inevitably hooked up with. “Okay I am serious! Listen the fuck up!”
“You want to know how I fuck such beautiful women, all the time?” He asked.
A few guys dared to nod, including the rookie on the team.
“I sleep with women because I see them as people, I talk to them, and then we fuck like rabbits.”
Tally had the audacity to scoff.
“No I mean it!” He insisted. “You want to seduce a woman? Ask her about herself, talk to her. If you want good, reliable fuck, eat her out. Word gets around, then you have women throwing themselves at you. Then you fuck so much your jaw and your dick is sore for practice the next day.”
“Alright Rozy,” Marley said, gripping his shoulders to shake him. “You go down on all the women you want, the rest of us want to have actual sex.”
Maybe it was because Ilya considered himself an ally to women. Maybe it was because he spent so much time with Sveta. Maybe it was because he did actually enjoy going down on people. Or maybe he was just defending his pride. Regardless of his reason, the next words out of his mouth were, “this is why your girl is thinking about leaving you Marley.”
The locker room hooted and hollered around him, and he shook his friend back.
“I could make your girl orgasm more times in one night than you have in your entire relationship,” he said. “But it is okay, I can teach you. And I will not steal your girl, because I am a gentleman.”
“Fuck off Rozy!”
“All you fuckers need to go down on a woman tonight!” He shouted. “Even Tally! I will pay pretty girl to teach you.”
“What if she’s got a dick? You gonna suck a cock tonight?” Someone, though he couldn’t tell who, shouted.
Realistically, he’d probably just go down on Svetlana and watch Montreal annihilate Winnipeg; she was in town, and it combined both of their favorite past times: sex and hockey. “Maybe you should join, you can see what big dick looks like,” he chirped.
“Okay, okay seriously though Roz,” Hammersmith asked, quieting the team down with his hands. “Have you actually sucked dick?”
“Da, yes. I said this, I am a gentleman. I return the favor.”
“That’s gay. Like actual, homosexual behavior.”
“Is not gay if it is a woman,” he said. Of course, his favorite dick to suck was Hollander’s but that was neither here nor there. He didn’t need to think of Hollander at all, actually.
“It kind is though, Rozy.”
Fucking idiots. So afraid of being called gay they can’t fuck a woman. “Okay, would you all fuck a dude with a pussy?” He asked, looking around.
Most shook their heads, a few looked curious, and Tally, the motherfucker, looked like he didn’t believe that was a thing.
“Big guy, big playoff beard. With a pussy, are you fucking him?” He asked again, making eye contact with the guys that looked the most uncomfortable, silently daring them to say something.
“That’s gay too,” someone mumbled.
“Exactly!” He shouted. “If it is gay to sleep with a dude with a pussy, then it is not gay to fuck a chick with a dick.”
“I don’t know how true that is,” Marley said, one of the skeptics.
Connors at least nodded, clearly on his side-- and good. Ilya had always considered Connors a friend, and he was glad the man had some sense.
“Marley, I know you begged your girl to let you do it in the ass. With them, her ass is already ready,” he said.
Marleau, for once, seemed to be stunned into silence.
“He’s right, you know,” Connors spoke up.
“See! This is who gets second-most women. Connors understands.”
“Hole is hole,” Connors said again, which... sure. That could be true, Ilya supposed.
“And it gets boring, having sex with beautiful women all the time. Connors and I, sometimes we run out of regular, sexy women. So we fuck someone exciting.”
“Boys!” Coach Le Claire said, slamming open the locker door and cutting off the conversation in an instant. “Why the fuck are you not changed? I need you in the gym in three minutes, and you’re running if anyone is late!”
The team scattered like bugs under a rock, rushing to get changed into clothes they wouldn’t overheat in.
As he was putting on a fresh shirt, Marley came over to him. “You’re fucking weird man,” he said. “But will my girl actually put out if I go down on her?”
Ilya smiled and slapped his friend on the shoulder. “Yes. Your girlfriend will have sex with you if you make it enjoyable Marley.”
“Fuck off, Rozy.”