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It fucking hurts, Lovro thinks as he finally manages to shove a finger up his ass.
He's been trying to get it to fit in for what feels like hours, and the most embarrassing part is that this isn't even the first time. Last week he had finally bought the world's tiniest bottle of lube over the counter at the nearby supermarket, because he didn't have money for shipping, and feeling embarrassed is better than being broke. He got home and locked himself in the bathroom, because living with two people means he walks in on Vito fucking someone twice a week, and Masha walks in on him jerking off thrice; and then proceeded to fail spectacularly at fingering himself. It had felt foreign and weird, and no matter how hard he tried to, Lovro couldn’t relax, so he ended up crying while jerking off instead. And no it wasn’t because it felt all that good or because he was embarrassed about sucking at being gay, apparently, but because failing at something was a humiliation ritual.
Lovro remembers the first time he tried skating, fell on his ass and then proceeded to cry into his pillow the whole night. What followed was a period of six weeks where he would skate from dusk till down just to prove to himself that he can, in fact do it. When Jakov made fun of him for rolling a joint like shit he didn’t cry, but he did sulk around for a few hours. Two weeks later he was the one making fun of Jakov for rolling like shit. And then there was his first kiss with a girl. He did end up failing this one but at least, Lovro tries to console himself, he tried his best and put up a convincing enough act with all the following girls he tried hooking up with. Putting aside the fact that he couldn’t get it up, he even tried to have sex with Ema three whole times, which is something!
The problem here is that he actually is gay so it feels like a moral failing of sorts to not be able to do this. Ivan isn’t in a hurry for them to have sex and Lovro appreciates that, but the more time they spend together, the more he breathes in Ivan’s scent, lets his fingers trail over Ivan’s shoulders, arms, sides, the more Lovro does want to try. Lately it only takes a smile from Ivan for Lovro to get hard. His dick is starting to chafe from how much he’s jerking off. The second Ivan leaves after a date, he shoves his hand down his pants, no lube, no nothing and busts in under 2 minutes. So instead of confronting his first ever boyfriend like a grown-up, Lovro has instead decided to put himself in a metaphorical cage where he has to learn how to have sex by himself, which is, of course contradictory in nature, but is his brain’s solution to this predicament.
If he just asks Ivan he’d probably drop everything just to make Lovro feel good, make him crumble under his touch, but Lovro is annoying and stupidly competitive and always needs to prove things to himself. Hence, the current situation.
“Shit,” he moans softly, as he tries to move his finger around. Something like pain shoots up his spine, which forces his hand to stop moving altogether. He breathes a sign of relief as the stinging goes away but the uncomfortable feeling of having something foreign inside of him doesn’t subside.
Lovro wraps his other hand around his dick which is starting to flag down and tries to focus on something that actually feels good. Him and Ivan haven’t had sex yet but one time when they were both tipsy, Ivan had jerked him off and it had taken Lovro approximately 2 minutes to cum, which is equal parts embarrassing and hot. He tries to recall the feel of Ivan’s fingers, warm and big, around his dick. The way he had squeezed tight, smiling into their kiss as Lovro’s hips kicked up involuntarily. The way he had spat in his hand and Lovro had lost his fucking mind.
He’s hard again in seconds. Lovro spits in his own hand, trying to replicate the feeling of having Ivan all over him. It’s not the same but still, it’s good. Has him lose and gooey in minutes.
Once he has relaxed, Lovro tries moving his finger again. It doesn’t hurt this time but it doesn’t feel good either. He gives it time, moves it around, curls it, even manages to fit a second finger in. It feels like nothing. When he gets frustrated beyond repair, Lovro takes out both fingers and jerks off until he spills down the drain.
“I think I’m not gay.”
Jakov’s face does something as soon as the words leave Lovro’s mouth but Lovro is too stoned to try to decipher it.
“Okay,” He’s clearly trying to be normal and sympathetic. Lovro kind of wants to hug him but he’s feeling too hot, so he ends up kicking Yakov’s shins, hoping the affection seeps through.
A short silence follows.
“Aren’t you gonna ask me why?” Lovro whines. He takes a swing from the beer he’s been nursing for half an hour now. It’s warm and tastes like shit.
“I’m drunk and trying to wrap my head around it,” Lovro nods and kicks Jakov again. “Stop that,” he grumbles, only for Lovro to do it again. Then a forth, then a fifth time, until Jakov reaches down and grabs his ankle, bringing it over his knee. Lovro smiles.
“Are you bi? You know, like Nix?”
“Since when is Nix bi?” Lovro asks, voice cracking at the end.
“Girl Nix, not boy Nix.”
“Ah,” Lovro says noncommittally.
“So, are you?” There’s no judgement behind Jakov’s words, even drunk he sounds genuine and is looking straight at Lovro giving him his undivided attention.
“No.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s stupid,” Lovro mumbles, trying to move his leg around but Jakov has a vice grip on it. Hot.
“It’s not, tell me.”
Lovro gives him a serious look: ”I think I suck at being gay.”
Jakov clearly tries to keep a neutral expression but fails. His laughter can be heard over the music which is a fit considering how loud and proud they’re playing the worst song Lovro has ever heard. Impressive.
“I hate you,” Lovro tries to pull his leg away again but Jakov doesn’t let him go. Pulls him in closer.
“Sorry, sorry. Don’t get mad.”
Lovro feels his cheeks becoming even redder. He’s not even sure why he’s talking to Jakov about this. Vito would be the obvious choice, being gay and everything. But somehow the familiarity that is Jakov wins over. Lovro wants it to be him, the one to guide him, tell him what to do. It feels natural, right.
“I want to have sex with Ivan but I can't.”
“Okay,” Jakov says, clearly not expecting for these words to come out of Lovro’s mouth. “Why?”
“It's just..I tried to, you know.” Lovro looks down then up, hoping Jakov could just read his mind.
“No, I don't know what.”
“I tried.. doing it by myself. You know, from behind. And it feels really fucking weird.”
Jakov’s eyebrows shoot up but he doesn't laugh, which Lovro appreciates, because it's taking everything inside him not to combust on the spot. Small victories.
“Umm, maybe you're not doing it right? Why not ask Ivan?”
“Because it's stupid.”
“Come on, he's your boyfriend. And you told me he's dated guys before, right? Maybe you're just doing it wrong and that's why it feels weird?”
“I feel like a girl.” Lovro whines and feels tears brimming at his eyelids. Shit.
“You're not a girl, though.”
“I know, obviously. It just feels like I am. Fuck,” Lovro runs his hand through his hair, letting it rest at his nape. He's sweating like crazy. “Please don't tell anyone I said that.”
“I won't.”
“I know it's stupid. I just feel stupid right now.”
“That's okay.”
“What was your first time like?” Lovro asks suddenly.
“I don't think it's exactly comparable.” Jakov scratches the back of his head. His hold on Lovro’s ankle tightens momentarily, then relaxes again.
“I know just.. was Eva in a lot of pain? Did it go away or was it, you know, just painful all the way through?” Jakov makes a face and Lovro can immediately tell he stepped on a landmine.
“Sorry.”
“It's fine. Umm, it hurt at first. I think she bled a little but we did it slowly and, yeah. It was fine after a while.”
Lovro nods. He tries to move his leg around again and Jakov lets him. It makes something inside Lovro melt.
“Thank you.”
“It's fine, just. Talk to Ivan. Figure it out. You don't need to do it by yourself. He's a nice guy, he'll take care of you.” Lovro nods again. He finishes the last of the beer and tries not to throw up. It really does taste like shit.
“Want me to get you another one?” Jakov nods towards Lovro's empty bottle and Lovro nods, like an idiot.
“Calm down, beautiful.” Lovro feels a shiver run down his spine. He's on Ivan’s bed, legs spread wide, trying not to cry as Ivan works a second finger into him.
He promised Jakov to talk about it, but like the liar he is, he didn't. Somehow he still ended up in this situation. Painfully hard with Ivan looming over him, trying and failing to relax him. It's humiliating. It doesn't hurt because Ivan is moving oh so slowly, massaging his walls gently, kissing down his neck softly. It should be perfect, it is perfect.
Lovro is starting to flag down.
Ivan had gone down on him earlier, almost making him cum, then Lovro, being stupid and hopefully had made him pull back, begged him to fuck him. Ivan’s eyes had darkened. Lovro could feel Ivan’s dick pressing into his bare thigh through all the layers. Hot. Lovro had been hopeful. Everything Ivan does feels good, so he had convinced himself this too would be nice. A little painful but it would go away and they could have normal, perfectly fine sex.
“Is everything okay, Lovro?” Ivan asks, bringing him back to reality. Lovro gives him a confused look. Ivan is looking down between his legs. Lovro looks down. He's completely soft. His face catches fire immediately.
“I'm sorry.” Lovro tries to apologize but Ivan shushes him.
“It's okay, do you want me to pull out?” Lovro feels his eyes prickling. It would be easy. Ivan wouldn't be mad, he would probably even offer to blow him instead but Lovro feels mad and irritated, and can't get any thoughts out.
“No.” It sounds quiet and uncertain and Ivan immediately catches on.
“What's wrong?” He asks and Lovro can't look him in the eye.
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.” Ivan leans down and kisses the corner of his mouth.
“Nothing, just..” Lovro relaxes at the familiar touch. This feels good, real. “I just.. Can you pull out, please?”
“Of course.” Ivan is slow as he pulls his fingers out and Lovro finally feels like he can breathe once they're out.
“I'm sorry.”
“Why?” Ivan sounds genuinely confused.
“I want you, I promise.”
“I know that.” Ivan doesn't look hurt, doesn't sound hurt. Maybe Lovro is overreacting and this is normal but it still feels like the end of the world for some reason.
“It doesn't,” he tries to get the words out. They sound crass no matter how he rolls them around in his mind. He wants Ivan to understand it's not his fault, that it's Lovro’s. “It doesn't feel good, I'm sorry. I thought that if you did it, it would be different but it just feels weird and kind of gross. Fuck.”
Lovro’s not sure what kind of a reaction to expect. Ivan probably wouldn't break up with him over this. Still. What follows is, unexpectedly, a laugh. Soft and sustained.
“Why didn't you tell me you tried and didn't like it?”
“Because I want to have sex with you. I don't think you understand how much I want to.”
Ivan leans down and kisses him once, twice, thrice. Small kisses. Soft.
“We can still have sex, you know.”
“How?” Lovro is genuinely confused which only seems to make the smile on Ivan's face bigger.
“Lovro,”
“What?”
“You know you can put it in me instead, right?”
Right?
Right.
Lovro, almost instinctively puts his arms over his face, trying and failing to hide the flush spreading everywhere. Fuck, he's so stupid.
Ivan laughs. It's throaty and sexy and Lovro feels his limp cock trying to harden up. Shit. This is why he should've talked to Vito instead of Jakov. What the fuck.
“Do you want to?” Ivan asks softly as he pries Lovro’s hands away. Lovro nods.
“I just didn't think you'd..”
“That I'd be into that?”
“I guess.”
“Lovro.”
“Hmmm?”
“I love you.” Lovro tries to sink into the bed further. It feels like he's getting pressed down firmly but if he wanted to, he could just get up and walk away. He doesn't want to. He wants to stay here, forever if possible. Under Ivan’s sturdy hands, a prisoner to the sweetness of his lips, the softness of them pressing into the curve of his neck, his sternum, his ticklish sides.
“I love you, too.” Lovro mumbles. He's burning up. Everywhere Ivan touches feels hot and sweaty, an imprint. He never wants to be away from the scalding touch of his fingers.
It's easy after that. Ivan has spoiled him rotten so he doesn't make him do any of the work. Lovro watches dazed as Ivan hovering over him, works a finger into himself. He moves them slowly, shifting them around carefully. His face scrunches into pleasure and Lovro can't look away.
Ivan doesn't even let him roll on the condom himself. He rips it open and slides it down Lovro’s length, again slowly. Ivan strokes him firmly, puts him in his mouth a little until it feels like Lovro will explode, and finally he sinks down. Lovro shakes as he disappears deep inside Ivan. It feels good. Too good. Lovro feels like a wind-up toy. If Ivan so much as breathes in his direction he'll cum. Ivan seems to sense that because he stills for a while, sitting on top of Lovro, until Lovro starts whining softly, begging him to move.
“Ivan, please,” He must look a mess, Lovro thinks. He feels a mess. Shit.
Ivan starts moving up and down slowly. Lovro has half the mind to worry about his knee and if putting this much strain on it is good, but then he feels Ivan tighten around his dick and there's that. He can't think about anything else besides Ivan, Ivan, Ivan.
It ends all too soon, as expected. Lovro can't hold it in. He's been fantasizing about having sex with his boyfriend for weeks and now that it's happening he can't pretend it's not everything he had been wanting and more. Lovro cums embarrassingly fast and the noises he makes sound high-pitched and girly, and he kind of wants to die, but he also wants to do it again, now.
Lovro has half the mind to wrap a hand around Ivan’s dick. He's clumsy and his fist is probably too loose but Ivan groans and cums after a few strokes. Both their breathing is laboured, short wisps of air barely making it into their lungs before they breathe them out. Stuttered.
Ivan collapses on top of him and Lovro feels smothered, completely hidden. He whines into Ivan’s neck when Ivan involuntarily clenches around his dick.
“Pull off, please.” Lovro whimpers and Ivan laughs.
“Such a baby, can't do anything on his own.”
“That's why I have you.” Lovro breathes a sigh of relief as Ivan pulls off carefully.
“Spoiled.” Ivan whispers as he gets behind Lovro, spooning him.
“Your fault.”
“I know."