Work Text:
With all the wonderful things that came from the ArcLand workshop, Rui’s mental stability was not exactly one of them. Finding out how to stop suppressing his emotions meant that everything he felt was around twelve times more overwhelming, and as quickly as his suicidal thoughts had just started to subside, they were back with full severity. Every day was a battle, and the director couldn’t help the guilt that came from faltering so fast.
He knew that Wonderlands x Showtime was aware of the change. They didn’t know he was falling back again, but they did know something was wrong. It all was so painful. Kamishro Rui wanted to die.
His parents had been checking in on him since the show. It was one of the few their schedules had aligned to see. They knew what his show meant, they could tell what the implications were.
But every question was cut short with “I’m fine,” and suddenly he stopped telling them how long he was clean when they asked.
Trust was a tricky concept for the Kamishiro Household. Rui, albeit truthful with everything else, was never honest about his struggles unless he was pushed. The downside to pushing him was that he’d crack and get worse momentarily.
But it wasn’t like they didn’t trust him enough to deny sleep. They liked to give their son the benefit of the doubt, especially after his mental health had been improving again.
~
Rui’s thighs hurt. So did his chest. He’d found his middle school antidepressants and taken half the bottle. He had no reason to be sitting on the bathroom floor, barely alive. He had people that cared.
He wanted to die.
He didn’t want to die.
He tried to stand up and grab his phone, almost falling but somehow managing to open it to his contacts. He called Mizuki, the last person he’d talked to.
“Heya, Rui! What’s got you calling so late?”
The inventor’s voice was weak, quite literally dying.
“I should’ve- made a better plan. Jesus Christ how did I ever do something like this without regretting the pain-?”
“Woah, woah huh??? What the hell did you do-?!”
The third year closed his eyes. He was tired. “I… I might’ve taken a few pills-“
“The hell-?! Why aren’t you calling an ambulance? Or Nene? Or your parents! They’re home, right??”
Rui could barely register her words. It was getting hard to breathe. “Words of encouragement, I guess…?” he mumbled, hands clutching his stomach.
“In what world do you think I’m going to encourage you to do anything but call someone who can help?! Actually- no. you won’t do that yourself.”
And with that, the line went cold.
~
Mizuki was quick to dial up the emergency number, rattling off Rui’s name, address, and anything else she knew.
After finishing with the emergency services, she called Tsukasa. He went to voicemail the first time, picking up the second time.
“Mizuki, it’s three in the morning…”
“Rui’s overdosed.”
“He- What?!!?!”
“He’s alive as of when I hung up. I called the ambulance, and it’s on the way. He should be okay…-“
“Tsukasa-?”
The blond had already hung up.
~
Rui was curled into himself, occasionally looking at his phone. He didn’t expect it to start ringing again, especially with Tsukasa’s phone number. He managed to accept the call, closing his eyes. “Rui-! You’re alive thank God.”
“Who… told you I wasn’t-?”
“Nobody, all I knew was that you overdosed.”
Rui looked at the empty pill bottle. “It was only a little over the prescription…”
The ringing in his ears— the pain determined his lie.
“…I’ll believe the ambulance before I believe you. Just stay with me until they get here, okay? Mizuki’s already called.”
Rui gave a weak nod. “I’ll try.”
It didn’t take long for him to pass out. Tsukasa had panicked when he did, getting ready to run to Rui’s house when he started to hear voices from the other end of the line.
~
Hibiki awoke to the front door opening. She blinked away her sleep, walking to the bedroom door and poking her head out. A paramedic noticed the two, waving them over. They made no signs of waiting, though.
“Suzume. Suzume, I need you up. Now.”
“Huh…?” the shorter rolled over in bed, opening his eyes slightly. “There’s paramedics, I think something happened to Rui.”
Within seconds, Rui’s father was standing up and running out to the main room. People were getting back into the ambulance. His wife ran towards it, grabbing his wrist and waving with her free hand. The last person waved the two in.
Once the ambulance had started moving, the paramedic spoke.
“You are Kamishiro-kun’s parents, correct?” he had asked. Hibiki nodded, still evidently worried. “Yes, what’s going on? Did something- no... What happened to him?” the man glanced at the front door. “He overdosed. Supposedly on expired antidepressants by the empty pill bottle but we won’t be sure until we run some tests.”
Suzume froze. “But he-… he had gotten so good at telling us…” he mumbled, a hand raising to his chin. “I can’t say for certain that he’ll make it, but whoever called seems to have been just in time.”
The taller felt sick. She stared at her son, reaching over to take his hand. Instinctively, she felt for a pulse. It was too weak to be a good sign. “If it means anything, he’s in good hands. We’ll do our best to save him.”
~
Somewhere in the process of what Tsukasa assumed was the ambulance arriving, someone had hung up. He couldn’t say he was surprised, but it was still jarring. He wasn’t sure if being alone was better or worse than knowing Rui was passed out and dying in his bathroom.
No, he knew that he felt better, the adrenaline was just wearing off.
~
Nene had been tossing and turning all night, unable to sleep. The smallest things would prevent her from drifting off.
So, when she heard the sirens, she groaned, turning on her side and placing a pillow over her ear. It would move on eventually.
Except it didn’t. It continued, far too loud for her to ignore.
Eventually, she trudged out of bed and peered outside her window. The ambulance that should’ve only passed her street was at Rui’s door. She grabbed her phone and ran downstairs, sending Rui a text to ask what was going on as she put her shoes on at the door and walked outside.
She was right in time to watch the paramedics carry Rui into the ambulance. It was only a matter of seconds before his parents followed.
They didn’t seem to notice her. It wasn’t like she expected them to, though.
She stepped back inside once the ambulance left, met by her parents who were still groggy. “Nene, did you hear the sirens too?”
And it was at that point that she couldn’t fight back tears.
~
Around thirty minutes after their call hung up, Saki peered into her brother’s room. “Onii-chan… Wake-” she paused, noticing that Tsukasa was indeed up and staring at the wall. “Saki-? Why are you awake?”
“Nene-chan called Emu-chan and I. She said that she saw Rui get carried into an ambulance…”
The troupe leader paused. “Come sit down. I can tell both of you what I know.” His sister nodded and walked over to the bed. She placed her phone between them and sat down. “Rui overdosed. He called Mizuki for reasons I’m unaware of, who called an ambulance and then me. He passed out somewhat quickly, but I stayed on call with him until someone hung up.”
Saki didn’t waste a second to pull her brother into a tight hug. Emu was the first to speak, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “Ever since the workshop in ArcLand…” she murmured, seemingly talking to herself more than anything. “Huh-? What do you mean?” Tsukasa inquired. “After he made that show with the monster, his pain has become a lot more obvious… it’s strange because he also seemed to have really happy days too.”
“He said something about the problem with his shows being that he was suppressing his feelings and therefore making shows that didn’t connect with the audience as well…” Nene admitted. “But his attempt on the rooftop wasn’t really even that long ago… Maybe he was handling some of this via suppression.”
Tsukasa frowned. “So, it led to a sense of freedom on good days, but more severe bad days since he’s more used to the blunted version of his emotions.”
He underestimated just how much Rui was struggling yet again. He couldn’t help but feel guilty.
“There’s really only one hospital that’s nearby, we could always go there and ask for his name,” Saki offered, interrupting the shorter’s train of thought.
“I can ask my brothers to take me!” Emu offered. “I’m in the car right now, actually. My parents said they’d take me when we saw the ambulance,” Nene added.
“And I’m sure Mom will take us!” his sister added.
~
Tsukasa had texted Mizuki to say that the ambulance picked Rui up and that he, his troupe mates, and Saki headed to the hospital. He didn’t check for a response.
Their mother was willing to drop them off at the hospital, telling them to text her when she needed to pick them up.
Nene was waiting in the emergency room, standing next to Rui’s parents and her own.
Tsukasa ran over. He couldn’t help the anxious barrage of questions, only quieting down a bit when Suzume placed a hand on his shoulder. “Rui’s alive right now, but they don’t know just how much longer he can hold on. Since the antidepressants he took were expired, the effect seems to be somewhat less severe. Still, the doctors aren’t sure how much he took.”
Suzume sounded calm, but the hand that rested on his shoulder was shaking. “They’re doing a stomach pump right now, along with stitching up the wounds that need it. He should be okay with any luck.”
And when the shorter man looked to Tsukasa’s eyes, the star could see the fear in them.
~
Mizuki never expected to feel how Ena did that day. She wasn’t sure if she felt worse than when she was doing the running or not. Her entire outfit was soaked, and the rain was hindering her ability to run like there was no tomorrow. Her logic wasn’t exactly the best—made obvious by the automatic door she tried to push open.
Once she made it into the waiting room, Tsukasa turned around, disengaging from who she recognized as Rui’s father and waved her over.
“Mizuki, you’re here!!”
The blond was quieter than usual, clearly nervous. To be fair, Mizuki wasn’t in much better of a state at all. She was out of breath, barely forming words for a few minutes before finally getting ushered to a seat by Rui’s mother.
“I didn’t realize you were coming as well, Akiyama. Did Tsukasa call you?”
The pink-haired girl shrugged. “I called him; that and the ambulance.” Hibiki seemed to straighten at you. “In that case,” the taller grabbed her hands, “I really can’t thank you enough. If it weren’t for their intervention, he-…” she trailed off, clearly realizing just how close she was to losing her son.
And that risk wasn’t gone yet. It most likely wouldn’t be for a while longer.
Eventually Mizuki was able to get a hold of herself with the help of a bottle of water in the nearest vending machine. By then, Emu and Nene had arrived, Saki ran over to them and relayed the information Suzume had given the siblings. Time started to move much slower, and conversations felt more forced.
Around four in the morning, a doctor eventually exited the hospital area and headed towards their group. “The stomach pump seemingly stabilized him, but his vitals are still er… less than ideal. He’s barely on the cusp of not being deficient in vitamin D, and definitely deficient in vitamins… A, C, and K. There may be more pressing matters to attend to, but I recommend you talk to him about the number of vegetables he eats.” Suzume sighed. “He won’t eat them, no matter what you do. You could grind them up in a blender and hide a teaspoon of the solution in a steak and he’d still refuse it,” the engineer explained. When the doctor gave him a skeptical look, Suzume sighed. “ARFID. Should be on his records.”
“In that case, we’ll prescribe some supplements. Please make sure he takes them. Either way, we’ll let in two visitors at a time, no more than that. Please split your group appropriately. He’s sleeping now, but he’ll most likely wake up within the next thirty minutes.” Rui’s father was about to thank the doctor and leave, but he spoke up again. “And, we’ll need to discuss what to do about Kamishiro’s mental health as well. The incisions were clearly self-inflicted and the way we found him was quite indicative of a Suicide attempt.”
The shorter nodded, clearly a bit more tense. “When that time comes, let me know and I’d be happy to discuss with you.” The doctor nodded. “Thank you for your patience, you may see him now, just be sure to be wearing one of these.” He gave Suzume two clip-on badges. “Give the second one to whoever you want to accompany you.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course.”
And without much hesitation, Rui’s father handed the other lanyard to his wife.
~
When Rui came to, all he felt was discomfort. His arm hurt, his stomach hurt more— just as bad as those times in middle school— and the lights were far too bright for him to be home. And the second his eyes opened wider, his name was called. A hand instantly wrapped around his own. Warm, just like-
“Tsukasa-kun?”
“Rui!!! You’re alive! You’re awake! Saki, he’s up!! Go tell the others!”
“On it!!”
Footsteps filled the silence of the room before they eventually faded, and Rui was met with nothing but his thoughts, a steadily repeating beep, and Tsukasa’s gaze. “Where… am I?”
Well, clearly he was in a hospital. The incessant beeping made that clear enough.
“You’re in a hospital.”
Perhaps he should’ve been more specific.
“I see… do you know why? Did one of my inventions— are you hurt too? What about-“
“Hey, hey! Calm down. You didn’t hurt any of us, only yourself.”
Rui gave him a blank stare, before a sense of dread washed over him. “Wait-“
His stomach hurt.
Of course it was hurting the same as it would hurt in middle school. He had tried to kill himself earlier that night, inevitably fucking up and calling Mizuki.
In his defense, he hadn’t wanted her to save him.
Or maybe he did. Rui’s mind was too exhausted to dwell on that, though
Then, the guilt set in. The taller realized just what his suicide attempt had meant. He held Tsukasa’s hands a little tighter, sitting up despite the pain and reaching for his lover. “I’m- I’m sorry, Tsukasa-kun-“
His throat was raw, his voice was off, alongside his speech patterns.
He was sorry.
He wasn’t sorry.
He was so, so sorry.
Rui knew that sorries didn’t change the fact that he’d left an undisclosed number of people were terrified for his life, but he needed to find a way to try.
To try to show just how remorseful he was for hurting so many people.
“It’s-… not exactly okay, but I’m not mad; not at you, at least. I’m- well obviously I’m mad at whatever brought you back to this state!!! But that’s also very different than being mad at you.”
Tsukasa’s voice was shaking, though. He was clearly terrified, and Rui was to blame for it all. Why couldn’t he control himself anymore? Why was every emotion so strong? When did pain hurt so much...?”
“This scene… is a tad nostalgic, is it not?”
The taller wasn’t sure what else to say. “That’s not really something to be proud of, my dear.” Rui couldn’t tell if the blond was upset with him or not. Though the gentle squeeze of his hand was indicative of the latter.
“Rui?! Rui, are you awake?!”
The star stepped back, leaving room for Hibiki who quickly grabbed his hand again. “Oh thank God, do you know how much you scared us-?!”
Then she paused, shaking her head. Tears were brimming in her eyes. Rui felt sick with guilt already. She sounded even more terrified than Tsukasa. “I… I’m sorry we weren’t there to stop you. I truly am.”
Her words were all too much for Rui’s heart. The guilt never seemed to ease.
He sat up, ignoring the pain in his head when he did. “Please don’t apologize, Mom… it’s not your fault any of this happened. It’s my own decisions that landed us here- it’s my own feelings that ruined-“
“Do not say that. Do not make your emotions a villain in this. I won’t stand for that.”
Her voice was sharp, causing Rui to shrink back slightly. It felt like everything he did made his situation worse. “But I was handling things again-! And then suddenly every thought and feeling became so severe and I felt so sensitive suddenly! Something’s not right, I don’t like feeling this much. I miss when it was all blunt…”
Hibiki’s grip softened, her arms wrapping around the third-year, who leaned into the hug. “You need to start telling us these things. We would’ve kept a closer eye on you for a bit.”
“…I liked the freedom, though,” he mumbled under his breath.
His mother noticed, because of course she did. “The freedom?”
“I could do whatever I wanted to myself, and if I played my part well enough, I’d look clean. Nobody would suspect a thing and there wouldn’t have to be any promises.”
The taller looked down at the blanket that covered his legs. “but I always seem to take it too far. Then it all gets out of hand and I mess it up. I keep wanting more and more, until a mistake like this happens,” he explained.
“then it’s back to square one,” his mother finished.
“Exactly.”
~
Sometime during their conversation, Tsukasa had stepped out and let Suzume in. He circled to the other side of the bed, pulling him into a hug as well. “I’m glad you’re still here. I really am.”
That was enough to make the taller bury his head into his father’s shoulders. The tears that brimmed in his eyes never fell, no matter how hard his shoulders shook.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I keep- this keeps happening, and I keep letting it, and I say I hate hospitals, yet I keep ending up in them-“
“It’s okay, Rui. Its going to be okay.”
“How am I supposed to believe that when I keep failing-?”
“because before every failure, you heal a little more. Eventually, you’ll get out of this.”
The taller looked down, his shoulders slumping. “But what if next time I don’t get lucky?”
If being hooked up to beeping monitors and feeling nothing short of miserable both physically and mentally was the new definition of luck, Rui wasn’t sure he wanted to get lucky again.
When was the last time being saved felt so devastating?
~
Rui had never exactly been happy when he woke up alive after hoping to die or was reminded he survived something he didn’t want to. He would usually end up panicking, and even if he somehow managed to accept the fact that he’d have to go through everyday life for the foreseeable future, the crushing guilt would leave his mental state thoroughly wrecked. On top of that, his body was next to never in the best state for obvious reasons.
But even those days felt blissful compared to one specific attempt. It was shortly after his father had found him setting up the noose in his room. The worst part of that was that he couldn’t bring himself to step down.
Was he really so desperate to die that he was willing to hang himself in front of his own father?
The idea made him want to vomit. Still, he didn’t let go of the rope. Not until Suzume had to resort to a sharp “Get down here now.”
But the moment that he got close enough to his father, the middle schooler collapsed against his father, who in turn wrapped him in his arms.
“It hurts, Dad.”
Suzume wasn’t sure he’d ever heard his son sound so hurt.
“I just want it to stop— I want something to make it stop-“
Rui’s father didn’t know how to comfort him, but yet he tried. “next year. That’s when this will stop. As long as you continue to fight.”
The shorter shook his head. “I can’t- I’m too weak- I’m too tired-! I’m not as strong as you and Mom say I am.”
“you’re not weak.”
“But what I am is tired!”
“Is five more months not a blink compared to everything else?”
The shorter recoiled, pulling away from his father.
“It’s not.”
“you don’t realize just how slow time passes when the only way to safely spend your day is to sit on the rooftop reading books and hoping you’re lucky. It’s exhausting, watching everything I work on end up damaged somehow by the end of the day.” The middle schooler hesitated, before continuing. “Have you ever had to carry all of your books and bags with you at all times just so they don’t get written on in sharpie like the rest of your locker?”
He dug his nails into his arm. He was trying to stop himself. It was clear in his hesitation. He didn’t want to talk to his father that way. “has someone ever threatened to tell the person you think you might be befriending that you “hurt yourself to make people guilty for being scared of you? Has that ever happened…?”
The taller didn’t say anything. He didn’t get angry, he didn’t yell. He didn’t even scold. Instead, with a gentle tone, he asked Rui a question of his own.
“Have you ever watched someone you love more than anything in this world get torn apart by the world’s cruel nature with no way to step in?”
The shorter froze. Suzume knew to tread carefully. He could already see the guilt flash in his eyes.
“It’s terrifying. Because nothing will help, and you know it. The only thing that can be done is to wait, but you don’t know if that person will even be able to wait more than they already have. Its also easy to brush off how difficult it is to wait. But because that person matters so much to you, you want them to keep pushing.”
The middle schooler bit his lip.
And then his face scrunched up, just as it did before he’d cry as a child.
All that escaped him were ragged and choppy breaths. Rather than crying, his eyes went glassy.
“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I haven’t been able to try hard enough, I wish I could do better- I wish-“ the taller shook his head and pulled his son back into his arms. “Hey now, you are trying hard enough. You’ve been trying so hard for so long. I’m plenty proud of you for making it as far as you have, especially because you spent over two thirds of it on your own.”
The shorter curled over himself, burying his face into the crook of his father’s shoulder. The taller eventually took him to the living room couch to sit down, causing Rui to change positions a bit, though he settled back into his father’s arms easily enough.
He had spent the rest of the day under his father’s watch, which was admittedly exhausting to deal with, as much as he understood the reasoning.
And by the next morning, the rope and chair were nowhere to be seen.
~
During the rest of the weekend, Rui was starting to feel a little better. He wasn’t his best, but he was grateful to not be worse. He had learned to treasure the moments of clarity, like his own precious jewels.
Because they never lasted long, and if the middle schooler wasn’t careful, he would take the stability for granted.
And by the next month, everything was going downhill again. His father was still home, but he had to spend most of that time in the office. He would welcome Rui home every day despite his lack of free time. But that day, the shorter could barely hold it together as he hugged Suzume and went to his room.
~
“Rui, can I be honest with you for a second?”
“Hm? Of course! That’s what rooftop friends are for, are they not?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do when you’re not here next year.”
Rui had never thought of that before, honestly; not until that moment where all he could seem to focus on were all the times he’d had to pull her away from the railing.
“At the same time, I’m just as worried about you. What if this new fancy high school isn’t as great grand and glorious as it may seem?”
The taller froze, glancing down at his shoes. “Then it’s simple, I’ll give up.”
“Eh-? Haven’t you already?” Mizuki inquired, leaning forward a bit. Rui shrugged. “I say I’ve accepted this fate, but can you really look at me right now and say that’s true?” his voice shook.
“So if it doesn’t work out, I’ll make sure I become truly ambivalent to it all. Then I can focus on healing.”
The shorter seemed… unimpressed, to say the least. “So, you’re just going to suppress everything even more? Because that’s possibly the unhealthiest thing you could do in this situation.”
The third year gave a sheepish smile. “And since when have I been the role model of healthy?” he retorted, to which Mizuki gave him an exaggerated frown.
“To be blunt, I’m more worried about you than me. You never take care of yourself properly, let alone any wounds. For all I know there’s gonna be a day where you’re just bleeding out in a dorm room and I won’t even know or be able to help-!” Mizuki admitted. “I’m going to be so worried, and I just don’t know how to solve that.”
~
Rui knew. He knew right then, and he knew that night. Mizuki wouldn’t have to worry about him if he was dead.
He had cleaned out the notes in his locker that day at the end of school. He never opened them; the middle schooler understood just one would most likely send him into a spiral. Just as he was preparing to leave the building, he’d been cornered by some students, who told him the usual. That was until the end where a student handed him an unfolded note, facing directly at him. No way to hide. “Found this in the trash with all the other notes you dumped out. I don’t think you’ve thought about it enough.”
And with that, the students left, and the middle schooler began to read. The note wasn’t long, but his brain almost refused to process it the first few times.
“When will you realize that you’d just be easier to deal with when you’re dead?”
~
Rui couldn’t really remember taking the pills, or even what he took anymore. He just knew that he had never felt so miserable. He remembered stinging in his arms, and a terrible migraine.
But all of that was nothing compared to the state he woke up in at the hospital. Within minutes of waking up, he already felt sick to his stomach. His father was there, clearly worried. He had told Rui that he was lucky.
He didn’t feel lucky.
When Mizuki stepped into the room an hour later, guilt mixed with the nausea. He had made it harder for his friend when he was supposed to make it easier. He was supposed to fix her worries by making them unnecessary. He was just trying to be easier to manage.
~
Suzume didn’t seem sure how to answer his son’s question, but Hibiki spoke up for him. “It’s not luck, per se. It’s a safety net you have now that you didn’t before. The more people who are looking out for you, the better off you are.”
The taller gave a small nod, though that statement only made him feel hopeless. He still wanted to die. He didn’t want to be told how there was a good chance someone would notice.
He was supposed to be doing something with his life. He was supposed to be making shows, but they were all too raw. He felt all too raw.
Maybe it was better when he made boring shows.
~
Eventually, his parents left and Nene walked in. Almost instantly, she wrapped the taller in a tight hug. “You’re an idiot, you know?” her voice shook. “Because only idiots would do something so stupid and then openly admit to it.”
She pulled away slightly, though her hands still remained on his shoulders. “But I’m okay with that, because if you hadn’t been so dumb, you-… you-“ and within seconds, Nene’s angry exterior shattered, and tears began to stream down her face. “You worked- you worked so hard to make sure we all stayed together-! So why are you willing to throw all of that away! Are you really so stupid to think Wonderlands x Showtime would still be Wonderlands x Showtime without our mechanical genius as a director?! Are you seriously so dumb to believe that we could find someone else like you?” the shorter deflated, resting her forehead on her neighbor’s shoulder, unable to stop the flow of tears.
“When are you going to get it through your thick skull that we need you?”
Rui didn’t respond. He wasn’t entirely sure he could. Instead, he returned her hug, halfheartedly detangling a few knots from her hair.
Finally, he spoke up. “I’m not sure need is the right-“
“I am going to slap you, and make Emu and Tsukasa do the same if you finish that sentence.”
The taller sighed. “I wish I could manage myself the way I was able to before the play about the monster. But instead it sends me into overdrive before I can fight back. You know I have my flareups, but I can manage those-! The thoughts are there, but I can work past them. This time, they just overwhelmed me, and all of my typical feelings seemed as if they were ten times worse.”
The director bit his lip. “But at night, when I knew there was nothing to stop me, I-… I couldn’t even rationalize with myself.” His heart was beginning to race, and it was clear that Nene could tell. She adjusted fully onto the hospital bed, guiding her friend back into her arms. They’d done this plenty of times before at home, when Rui knocked on her door in the middle of a panic attack. She had learned exactly what calmed him down over the years.
“Is there any specific feeling that’s bothering you?”
The taller thought for a moment, before nodding. “My stomach, and the bandages aren’t much higher quality than the ones from middle school.”
The shorter ran her hands through Rui’s hair, trying to soothe. She watched his heart rate begin to return to normal on the monitor. “I don’t think we’ll be able to take them off until you get home, whenever that may be.”
The director didn’t respond, instead, he looked down, clearly thinking.
Eventually, he did speak up to ask a question.
“When do you think they’ll look at my record and determine me a danger to myself, and put me in some hospital where I have to get better on their schedule?” he asked, frowning. “I don’t want to have to do something like that.”
Nene hesitated. “I don’t know.”
“They ask you every time. They pretend like your opinion matters, but the reality is that it only does if your parents agree. But what happens when the doctors think you’re a lost cause?”
A moment of hesitation
“What if that day is today?”
His neighbor looked away, pulling back from her friend to look at him directly. “Then we wait for you, and we support you every step of the way. Even if you come out worse and more suicidal. We will stay by your side.”
Emu and Saki stepped in a moment after, and Nene gave them both a kiss on the cheek as she left. Emu ran for the taller and tackled him into a hug. Admittedly, the feeling wasn’t great for his physical issues, but Emu’s excitement at seeing him again did soothe his mind quite a bit.
And then it filled him with guilt.
She was probably so dejected, so unlike emu, waiting to know if her friend was alive. All of that was caused by him, and his actions alone. He was the reason.
He was the problem that for some reason never left.
He needed to try harder.
He needed to give up.
He needed to fix it.
He needed to stay.
Just one more try in the middle of the night without making the stupid mistake of calling someone ‘because it hurts’ and—
“Rui-kun!! Stop it! I can feel you shaking. I wouldn’t think too hard about anything right now, if I were you. Not even about shows!!! Your body is being put under a lot of stress right now to keep working, so even though it’s not really in your nature to rest, you really do have to this time…” she stated, shaking him slightly as she spoke. The taller forced a small laugh. “I’m okay, really. A little bit of thinking isn’t too bad sometimes,” he stated.
He didn’t realize just how easy it was to slip into the Rui that was fine.
Emu didn’t seem happy with his response, though. Perhaps he was acting too fine too soon. He didn’t want to be caught lying again so soon; he’d never hear the end of his friend’s lectures. “Rui-kun, can I ask you something? I don’t want you to feel bad or guilty, so you can say no of course!”
His curiosity was piqued, so of course he nodded. What else was there to do?
“Why don’t you talk to us?”
The director often forgot how blunt the shorter was, despite her almost childish dialect. After a second of stunned silence, Rui spoke up. “Why don’t you?”
The pink-haired girl hesitated, just like he had done. “Because sometimes when I want to tell the rest of you how I really feel, I recite it over and over again but I’m too weak to voice the words,” she admitted.
The taller nodded. “That’s what I did today. Before I-“ he paused, before continuing “before I took the pills, I stared at my phone, specifically Tsukasa’s contact. I even briefly considered Nene’s. I let the scenarios play out in my head as to how they’d probably freak out and worry, and that made me feel almost worse.”
Emu nodded, sitting down in the chair next to the hospital bed. “I always realize after I hide something that everything would’ve been easier if I hadn’t, yet I still do every time.”
The inventor nodded. “It’s strange, isn’t it? The way the human mind can misjudge what’s actually dangerous.”
The shorter sighed. “It’s funny though, is it not? Everyone in that waiting room who came because they heard you could’ve died tonight came because they cared. They wanted you alive to see the next morning, even if you didn’t. I think sometimes we forget just how important we are to those around us, Rui-kun.”
Rui hummed, looking up at the beeping monitor. “I’m not mad at you for what you did. Nobody is, I don’t think. Nobody’s upset at you for hurting. We’re all really worried about you, of course, but nobody here wants you to feel bad or like you’ve made us super mad!! We’re your friends— we’re here to hold you up when you can’t do that yourself!” she exclaimed, making a motion with her hands, before standing up. “I may come back later, but for now I want to let Mizuki-chan in. She’s been pacing since we first got here…”
The taller chuckled and waved goodbye to his friend. He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the quiet before Mizuki walked in.
He almost didn’t notice when she arrived, quiet and unlike herself. The concern was evident on her face. “I don’t know what possessed you to call someone, but I’m glad you did.” The taller hesitated. He barely even remembered dialing the second year. “Beyond that, I don’t really know what else to say. Other than “What happened?”, considering you were months clean and everything.” Rui glanced down at his arm. “I had to learn how to stop suppressing my feelings for a show. Ever since then I’ve been feeling everything so severely. Everything I thought I could handle before suddenly sent me spiraling,” he admitted. Mizuki paused. “That’s probably because you’re not used to it. You’ve put a dampener on every feeling you’ve ever felt and gotten accustomed to it. Now, it’s at a normal level, and it feels like too much.”
“Then how do I fix it?” the director asked, crossing his arms. “You don’t. You just learn how to live with it.”
How could he live with it when he’d never felt so unsafe around himself until that night?
Middle school was bad, of course it was, but his decisions were always his. That night, he felt so overwhelmed with the need to kill himself; like the part of him that wanted to selfishly keep preforming with his friends had been plunged underwater. There was a difference, albeit subtle.
“How do I do that?”
“You stop pretending that you can be trusted and act honest with yourself for once. You are a danger to yourself right now, as demoralizing as I know that is to hear. Are you still honestly trying to get better or are you back to that cycle of pretending you’re fine until everyone’s done keeping an eye on you?” The shorter sighed, walking over to the third year. She then placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort.
“I’m sorry, that was definitely harsher than I intended. I don’t even know how much of that habit you still have. I just know that, using random numbers here, 3 months under strict surveillance so you actually heal is better for you than two weeks of convincing them you’re fine, relapsing, and ending up watched like a hawk all over again,” she stated. “At the same time, you really don’t get much benefit unless you truly want to heal. If you want so badly to keep cutting, then you’re just going to relapse the second they trust you. It doesn’t matter If it’s 3 months, it doesn’t matter if it’s a week.” The taller hummed, fidgeting with his hands for a few minutes before speaking up.
“I think… Ever since you all found me on that rooftop, I’ve found myself wanting to heal, even if it was only in the smallest ways,” Rui began, closing his eyes. “I wanted to learn how to manage my… complications so I could see a future where I grow old performing and directing shows with my friends,” he continued. “Perhaps its too early, but I wanted to see a future where I’d be allowed to marry Tsukasa-kun in my own country.”
Mizuki frowned. “Then what changed? Why are you in an emergency room right now?” she asked. They both decided to ignore how desperate she sounded. “No matter how hard I try, it’s impossible for me to dull out my feelings again, I feel like I’m going to burst at any moment with emotions I didn’t ask for,” Rui admitted. “So that made you want to kill yourself?” the shorter questioned. “I wasn’t finished. I can relieve that pain when I draw blood. The reason I’m here right now is because of how severe my depressive episodes get now,” he explained, looking down at his thighs, which were covered by his blanket.
The only way he would be able to get himself up would be to teleport to Sekai, therefore forcing him to walk around eventually. “And the worst part is that I have to be actively doing something unless I want to be bombarded with these unimportant memories my mind has started to unearth—which is hell when paired with the fact that I’ve been reserving most of my strength for getting up in the morning,” the director added. He refused to look towards his friend. “I don’t even remember how long it took me to manage my original episodes.”
Mizuki bit her lip. “I can give you some advice, but you’re seriously not going to like it,” she offered. The taller tilted his head to the side, glancing in Mizuki’s direction. “You know how you couldn’t really contact me when you were in your first year of high school and I was in my final year of middle school?” Rui nodded, slowly. “Well, I tried to kill myself halfway through the school year. I ended up in the hospital for it, and when the doctors recommended a mental institution, my parents consented,” she explained. “I hated every second there. I hated the clothes they made me wear, I hated the schedules and abundant lack of trust. I spent around three months as a patient before I was allowed to go home.”
Rui crossed his arms, nails instinctively clawing at skin. “But that place had never made me want to go home so badly. It tricked me into wanting to recover. By the time I got out, I wasn’t at a state where all I could think about was my death. Funnily enough, keeping our promise and staying clean got easier too,” Mizuki explained.
“It’s not like I felt normal the second I left the institution—in fact, I don’t think I ever have felt truly normal. The urge doesn’t go away, it just gets easier to manage. These kinds of places are so strict because theyre deconstructing bad habits and implementing new ones.” The taller swallowed. “When I went to therapy in middle school, it made me feel a thousand times worse. My parents saw it too. I felt sicker after every session, and my parents eventually had to change the frequency of my visits just to keep me from trying to kill myself so much. Would a mental hospital not just be worse…?” Mizuki paused. “I…”
“Perhaps its just me, but it feels so much more terrifying to be trapped in a place where I’m trapped with urges that only get worse with no way to satiate them,” Rui admitted, his stomach churning at the mere thought. Then, he spoke again, much quieter than before. “I’m scared of what I might do to myself once I get out. That’s why I need to go back to myself. I need to feel like me again.”
“But that version of yourself wasn’t you. It was an unhealthy defense mechanism you used and forgot how to discard. You’ve been that way for so long that normal feeling is overwhelming and it causes you to want to expel it.”
“You’ve broke down a dam. Those boxcutters won’t keep the hell you broke loose at bay forever, but I think we both know that.”
The third year looked down. “I need time, okay? And that’s what its giving me.” The shorter raised an eyebrow. “Time? Only if you keep cutting.”
“What, did you think I was going to stop?” the taller retorted, crossing his arms. “I thought maybe you’d grow some sense and realize that you’re just making it wor—”
“Do you think I don’t know that?” Rui snapped, pulling away slightly from the shorter. He was shaking. “Do you think I don’t know that with every drop of blood I just make my future-self suffer more to save himself? Do you seriously think I’m blind? I know what I’m doing, and I know that even if I were to chose healing right now, I’d still make it worse,” the director let out a rye laugh, though it felt more like a cough to his lungs. Mizuki sighed, reaching her hand into her purse, feeling for that damned eyebrow razor she didn’t have the strength to throw out. She kept it inside of her bag, holding it in her hands in a sick attempt to find the right words to say.
“So you’re just going to keep making it worse? Don’t you want to at least have a chance?”
The taller frowned. He wanted a chance, so badly. He yearned for the day he would wake up with Tsukasa next to him in bed. He also knew they weren’t all that far off. “It’s exhausting.” Mizuki nodded. “Which is when we hold you upright, carrying you until you can stand again.”
Rui looked away. “But all these emotions. I can’t handle them.” He admitted. “ At least you’re being honest about it,” the shorter replied.
“Sometimes I wonder why life is unfair, and then I remember elementary school. And middle.”
Mizuki sighed. “Some people just have to fight harder for their lives. It doesn’t make you worse, it makes you stronger.”
The taller swallowed. “I hate that word.”
“stronger? Why?”
“Because everyone says that when I feel like I’m going to lose myself. When I feel like everything is too much and I don’t even look like myself. They call me strong while I’m slipping.”
The pink-haired girl placed a hand on Rui’s shoulder. “That’s because when most people say you’re strong, they say it with an underlying expectation that everything becomes easy for that person. We’re not saying it that way. You’re- we’re not strong because this is easy. We’re strong because we had to be. When our minds are our biggest enemies, everything is hell.”
“then how do I get a chance to breathe?” he asked. He remembered when Mizuki was the one begging for knowledge on how he made peace with everything.
“You lean on your friends and family. They become your oxygen.”
Rui swallowed. “I’m not ready,” he muttered. Mizuki didn’t respond for a few seconds, every beep of the machine was recording his heart rate like a joke.
Like it too was laughing at him for being here and ruining himself.
Finally, Mizuki snapped him out of his thoughts . “you never will be.”
~
Rui spent the next few days recovering in the hospital. Tsukasa, Nene and his parents visited daily. Eventually the day came when the director was discharged.
The first few nights were normal. He stayed in his garage, catching up on lost time. But the fifth was where he began to feel uncertain. The urge was loud, and so was the guilt. The way his friends texted him felt like a desperate attempt to make sure he was alive.
He walked into the restroom, locked the door, and stared at the blade in his hands. He wanted to, but when he looked up at himself in the mirror. His reflection stared back, disapproving. “I’m just not ready yet,” he murmured.
But even when he finished the last cut, and drowned his guilt in something easier to clean, Mizuki’s words stayed right beneath his skin.
You never will be.
He swallowed, and looked at the door. He looked at his rolled up shorts, the oozing cuts, and the blade.
But what if he gave it some more time? Maybe he just needed to think.
Yet even as those thoughts swarmed his mind, he opened the door. He trudged upstairs to his parents’ room.
He hesitated, of course he did. But with the little bit of strength he had left, he opened the door.
“Mom..?”
~
The director drew a sharp breath as Hibiki cleaned one of the deeper cuts. “What sparked you to ask for help?” she asked, still focused on cleaning. Rui shrugged. I suppose you could say I have someone to thank tomorrow. He stated, looking away.
When Hibiki finished tending to her son’s wounds, she pulled him into a hug. “No matter what, you’re my son. I don’t care if you’re about to graduate, in my eyes you’re still that little miracle of mine.”
Rui chuckled, awkward. “I don’t think I’m nearly as much of a miracle as you-“
His mother squeezed him tighter. “Say that again and you’re getting vegetable sandwiches for a week.”
The taller frowned, before faking tears. “You wound me.. my own mother even wants me to consume those… things.” He complained, before beginning to laugh. “I really do not understand what goes on in your mind,” she muttered, before pulling away from the hug. “Do you want to sleep in your room tonight?” she asked, a hint of hope in her eyes. Rui wanted to say no, but he felt that he’d already caused more than enough stress for one night.
“Just this once.”