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The problem with dating your best friend, Andreau discovered, was that everything had stakes now.
Two years of easy companionship—mga midnight drive-thru, ‘yung pagtulog ni Zade sa balikat niya during movie marathons, paghampas nito sa braso niya kapag masyadong natatawa—none of it prepared him for this. Kung tutuusin, halos wala namang nagbago. Sanay na siyang nasa passenger seat niya si Zade Pascual for a while now, pero ngayon, hindi siya handa sa bigat ng presensya nito. Nagwawala ang puso niya every time she shifted, lalo na kapag umaangat nang kaunti ang tela ng sundress sa hita niya.
Kakaalis lang nila ng mall twenty minutes ago. Nakatambak ang shopping bags sa backseat (mostly his), habang si Zade naman ay sinasabayan ang kanta na pinatutugtog niya sa sasakyan. The late afternoon sun caught in her hair, making her fair skin glow warmly in the light, at kailangan pang paalalahanan ni Andreau ang sarili niya na tumingin sa kalsada.
Focus. Nagda-drive ka. Don't be an idiot.
"—and I'm just saying," sabi ni Zade, gamit ang specific tone niya kapag alam niyang panalo na siya sa argument, "ang pangit talaga."
"It’s not ugly.
"Andreau. Tadtad siya ng burda. It looks hideous."
"That's—" Natigilan siya. "That's a design choice."
Tuluyang humarap si Zade sa kanya. "Six minutes kang nakatayo sa harap ng display na 'yon."
"I was just appreciating art!"
"Oh come on. Na-attach ka na do’n sa chakang cap! You picked it up twice."
Hindi niya napansin na nagbibilang pala ito kanina. "Binalik ko naman, e."
“Kasi umirap ako.”
"Because," sagot niya, trying to sound dignified, "I valued your opinion."
Zade let out a sound caught between a snort and a laugh. "Babe, mahal kita, but that cap was a cry for help." Umabot ito para tusukin ang braso niya. "I saved you from the worst fashion mistake of your life."
"You didn’t save me. Babalikan ko 'yon."
"Andreau—"
"Watch me, Zades."
Her fingers lingered on his arm a second longer than necessary before she pulled away. Kahit ‘yung simpleng contact na ‘yon felt like too much and not enough at the same time. Humigpit ang hawak ni Andreau sa manibela.
This was insane. He was twenty-one years old. He'd filmed kissing scenes with a handful of actresses, survived magazine shoots where strangers posed him like a doll, and learned to navigate on-camera intimacy without breaking a sweat. But put him in a car with his girlfriend—girlfriend, the word still felt new and terrifying in his head—and he turned into a fumbling mess.
The thing was, Zade touched him all the time. Ganoon na siya dati pa, pero mas napansin niya na ngayon. She'd hold his hand while they walked, play with the hair at the nape of his neck when they kissed, or curl into his side on his couch like she belonged there. She was generous with her affection, easy with it in a way that he envied.
And him? He would ask bago umakbay sa kanya. Telegraphed every kiss. Lumalayo siya in the middle of their make-out sessions—kahit na gusto pa ng buong pagkatao niya na ituloy—just to make sure she was okay, na hindi siya namimilit, na gusto rin nito—
"Andreau?"
He blinked and glanced over. Nakatingin si Zade sa kanya with those dark eyes, may maliit na ngiti sa labi nito na parang nababasa ang lahat ng nasa isip niya. Knowing her, she probably could.
"Hmm?"
"You're doing the thing again."
"What thing?"
"The overthinking thing." Gumalaw ito sa upuan, angling toward him, and god, umangat na naman ang dress niya. Enough para mas makita niya ang hita nito, her skin pale and smooth in the afternoon light. Nanuyo ang lalamunan ni Andreau.
You. Always you. The fact that I want to touch you and I don't know how to just—
He cleared his throat. Lumipat siya sa left lane with more focus than the maneuver required. Bumaba ang kanang kamay niya mula sa gearshift papunta sa sarili niyang hita, fingers drumming restlessly.
Just say it. Just ask. She won't think it's weird. Probably.
"Babe?" His voice came out rougher than intended.
"Hmm?"
"Pwede bang..." The words lodged in his throat. He swallowed hard and tried again. "Can I put my hand on your thigh? While driving?"
Silence. Humigpit ang hawak ni Andreau sa manibela. Uminit ang mukha niya. Of all the stupid—
Tapos tumawa si Zade na walang halong pang-aasar. Her laugh was surprised and affectionate, and he was so fucking fond na kumirot ang dibdib niya.
"You're asking permission?"
"I—" He risked a glance at her. Zade was grinning now, her whole face lit up with it. "Yes?"
"Andreau Francis Valerio Cortez." She said his full name like it was the most ridiculous, precious thing in the world. "You're asking to touch your own girlfriend?"
"Gusto ko lang na..." He scrambled for the right phrasing. "I want you to feel comfortable. Always. Ayokong mag-assume—"
"Babe." The endearment stopped him short. Minsan lang siya nitong tawagin nang gano’n, at palaging siyang kinikilig every time she did. Zade reached over and took his right hand in both of hers, pulling it toward her. "Yes. Of course yes. You never have to ask, alam mo 'yan."
But even as she said it, she guided his hand to her thigh, placing it just above her knee with a confidence that made his breath catch. Her skin was warm and soft under his palm. His fingers reflexively curved to fit the shape of her thigh.
Oh.
"But I want to ask," he managed, voice barely above a murmur. Nakapako ang tingin niya sa kalsada dahil kapag tumingin siya kay Zade ngayon, baka mabangga niya ang kotse. "I want you to always feel safe."
"I know." Zade kept her hands over his, pressing his palm firmer against her flesh, before reluctantly letting go. "I know you do. That's very you. Pero Andreau…" Sumandal ito pabalik sa upuan. "Safe ako sa ‘yo. Always have been. Hindi magbabago ‘yon just because we’re...this now."
This. Dating. Together, and very much in love.
Andreau kept his hand perfectly still. The friction of her skin against his palm was maddening. He could feel his own heartbeat in his fingertips, but he wasn't sure if the pulse he felt was his or hers. For a long moment, he didn't dare move, hyperaware of every point of contact, certain that if he shifted even slightly, he might do something stupid like slide his hand higher or squeeze or—
Breathe. Just breathe.
Sa tabi niya, tumahimik si Zade. The humming had stopped. Nang silipin niya ito, he caught her biting her lower lip, her hands folded carefully in her lap. Her chest rose and fell just a touch faster than normal.
Oh.
She was affected, too.
Seeing her unravel even just a little bit gave Andreau a sudden surge of confidence. Ginalaw niya ang thumb niya to test the waters. Just the barest stroke against her skin. Back and forth, a centimeter at most.
Napasinghap ulit si Zade.
"Okay ka lang?"
"Yeah." It came out almost breathless. Then, like she was trying to regain her footing, "Mukha kang kinakabahan dyan, babe."
"Hindi naman." The lie was immediate and transparent.
"Sus, sinungaling." Nawala ang panunukso sa boses nito, napalitan ng lambing. "Ang tagal nating magkaibigan and you're still shy with me?"
"It's different now." The admission came easier than he expected. He adjusted his grip, letting his palm settle heavier, more flush against the curve of her muscle. "You're my girlfriend now. Everything feels..."
"More?" Zade supplied softly.
"Yeah." Lumunok siya. "More."
His fingers flexed slightly to test the firmness of the muscle beneath her soft skin. Zade let out a small sound. It wasn't exactly a gasp, but it was close enough to make Andreau's eyes want to snap toward her. He forced his gaze to stay locked on the road through sheer willpower.
"Is this..." He swallowed. "Okay?"
"Yes." Her answer was definitive. Bumaba ang boses nito. "You can... you don't have to stay so still. I'm not going to break."
Permission. She was permitting him to move, to explore this new territory they were mapping together. Sumikip ang lalamunan ni Andreau.
Dahan-dahang umakyat ang kamay niya by a few inches. Mabagal ang paggalaw na pwede siyang pigilan ni Zade kung gusto nito. Tumigil siya sa mid-thigh, fingers curved around the outside and—
Zade shifted in her seat. A small movement, pero mas dumiin ang hita nito sa kamay niya, and he felt the muscles in his stomach tighten in response.
"Andreau." Iba ang pagkakabigkas ni Zade sa pangalan niya. Mas malambot. May kasamang panginginig na ngayon lang niya narinig.
"Hmm?" He didn't trust himself to say more.
"You're…" She paused. Nakita niya sa peripheral vision niya na lumingon ito sa labas ng bintana. "This is...it's a lot."
His hand froze. "Gusto mong—"
"No," she said quickly. Bakas ang hiya sa susunod na sinabi nito. "No, don't. Hindi ko lang...in-expect na ganito ang feeling."
"Na alin?"
A heavy beat of silence. "Your hand is really warm. It’s…nice."
Andreau's mouth went dry. Kusa na namang gumalaw ang hinlalaki niya, tracing a slow arc against the outside of her thigh.
Naging sobrang tahimik ng kotse. The playlist was still playing—something slow now—pero hindi na maintindihan ni Andreau ang lyrics over his own pulse. Every shift of his hand, every small adjustment, felt monumental. He was barely breathing, split between keeping the car steady and holding every detail of this moment.
The warmth of her skin. The slight tremor na nararamdaman niya sa binti nito. The way she'd stopped fidgeting with her phone, at ngayon nakakapit na lang ang mga kamay nito sa edge ng upuan.
"Zades."
"Yeah?"
"Talk to me. Tell me about your schedule tomorrow or something. I need—" I need you to distract me before I lose my mind. "I'm trying really hard to focus on driving right now."
She let out a shaky, breathless laugh. "Gusto mo talagang dumaldal ako about my errands while you're—" She cut herself off.
"While I'm what?"
"Driving." A pause. "While you're driving."
But they both knew that wasn't what she was going to say.
Andreau's fingers squeezed, at naramdaman niya ang pag-exhale ni Zade bago pa niya narinig. This was just his hand on her thigh. They'd done more—so much more. Ilang oras na silang nag-make out sa couch niya, all tangled limbs and gasping breaths. But somehow this felt more intimate.
They hit a red light. Andreau stopped and finally let himself look at her.
Nakatingin na sa kanya si Zade. Her eyes were wide and dark, at namumula ang mga pisngi. Bahagyang nakaawang ang mga labi nito na parang nakalimutan na nitong huminga. One hand had moved from the edge of her seat to rest over his hand on her thigh, not pushing it away or guiding it, just...holding it there.
"Babe," she said, almost breathless.
"Babe," he echoed.
Before he could say anything, Zade leaned across the console. Her hand came up to cup his jaw, and then she was kissing him. Soft and sweet and over far too quickly.
When she pulled back, she didn't go far. Her forehead rested against his temple, her breath warm against his cheek.
"Next time," bulong nito, "wag ka nang magtanong. Just touch me, okay? I promise I want you to."
Andreau’s fingers flexed involuntarily against her thigh, and he felt more than heard her answering exhale, shaky and warm.
"Okay," he managed. "Okay."
The light turned green. Zade settled back into her seat, but his hand stayed where it was—mid-thigh, his grip firm but careful—and her hand stayed over his, fingers curled around his wrist. Hindi na sila nag-usap for the rest of the drive, pero iba na ang katahimikan sa pagitan nila ngayon.
Pagdating nila sa tapat ng dorm ni Zade, the sun had started to set. Nag-park si Andreau pero hindi niya tinanggal ang seatbelt niya, at nanatili ang kamay niya sa hita nito. Zade didn't move either. Her thumb traced small circles on his wrist now, mirroring kung ano ang ginagawa ng hinlalaki niya sa balat nito for the past fifteen minutes.
"Mahal kita," he said, the words quiet but steady in the cooling interior of the car.
Zade's smile was radiant. She lifted their joined hands from her thigh and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.
"I know," she said. "Mahal din kita."
And when she kissed him again—properly this time, deep and slow and full of promise—Andreau thought maybe he was starting to get the hang of this. He was hers now. He could finally let himself want her without holding back, touching her like he had every right in the world to do so.
Baby steps. But they were getting there.