Chapter Text
“Always find me, yeah?” Even through his tears Felix could see the toll this was taking on Chris. The camera lights felt harsh, unforgiving, as if telling them that even this moment could not have the kindness of privacy. Felix looked at his friend, realizing in this moment that the man he had looked up to, was a scared child just trying to hold everything together. Chris pulled him into a hug, tightly squeezing, as if thinking if he held on tight enough that they would change their minds. That this wouldn’t be happening. Felix squeezed him back tighter but knew, both of them were powerless to stop it. Chris’s voice trembled, thick with tears, “I’m not gonna leave you behi–”
An alarm cut through the dream jarring Felix awake. He looked up at the dingy ceiling of his tiny apartment. It had been 13 years since he had been cut from the Stary Kids survival show. A poster of the 6 member group was taped to the wall next to him. He stared at it without really seeing it as he sat on the edge of his bed. “It should have been nine,” he mumbled to no one in particular. The alarm went off again and he reached for his phone, silencing the annoyingly chipper tune before beginning the arduous task of sifting through notifications.
Most were about money. Overdue bills, debts still owed, 3rd and 4th notices. Felix sighed as the feeling of slowly drowning returned. It was an almost constant feeling usually paired with the dull gnawing pain of hunger. His stomach growled at even the thought and Felix did some quick mental math before realizing he wouldn’t be able to eat today either. Just one more day. He could do it for one more day. He filled his belly with water as he continued to scroll. There was a text and missed call from his mother. “I know you’re busy but please don’t miss your sister’s wedding. Call me.”
The message nearly broke him. When he was first cut from the program he still tried to be a trainee. When that didn’t work out he tried other companies, less reputable ones, ones that came with hidden fees and suspicious contracts. He could have gone home, should have gone home, but something stopped him. Pride maybe, the fear of disappointing others, sheer stubbornness perhaps. Felix didn’t know and didn’t have time to consider it. Instead, he lied. Lied to his family about being busy, about projects they’d never see and magazines he couldn’t even afford let alone be in.
Felix swiped away the notification. He’d call her later. Then he checked his calendar and picked up the appropriate day’s work shirt out of a pile on a chair at the foot of his bed that acted as both laundry and closet. He sniffed the shirt and mused…should be fine for another day. As he shrugged the shirt on, his hair caught on the button. The long dark choppy cut he’d done himself was always getting caught. Felix swore under his breath and began to untangle himself when he heard his phone chime. “Please don’t let that be mom” he prayed before his eye caught the golden crucifix around his neck and he felt guilty.
Finally detached from his shirt he reached for the phone and saw a name that jarred him, especially after waking up from that memory. Chris. “Can we talk?” The message was short, in English, but even with those three words Felix felt a knot form in the pit of his empty stomach. His hands hovered over the letters wondering if he should let this go ignored, like his mom, before guilt kicked in again. “Sure. I get off at midnight. Meet at the usual?”. He didn’t wait for a reply. Pulling out his nicer sneakers and throwing a cleanish shirt in his bag, Felix headed out the door.
The evening shift at the convenience store was one of many jobs Felix had picked up to make ends meet. He liked it well enough as on a dead night it almost felt like he was getting a mini vacation from his more difficult jobs. His shift hadn’t been going for long when a group of students came in grabbing snacks and talking loudly to each other. Snippets of the conversation came to him as he zoned in and out. Talking about a boy who had asked one of the girls out. Summer vacation plans. Then he heard “Stary Kids”.
“Hey isn’t that the group you like?” One girl said to her friend.
“Ew not anymore, did you see the news this morning? Absolutely disgusting I hope they disband” the other said with a laugh at the end.
Felix’s mind paced as he rang up the group as they came to the counter. What news? Is this why Chris had texted?
“Hello? Heloooooo?”
A hand waved in front of Felix’s face. Startling him.
“Oh, sorry. That’ll be 13000 won.”
The girl, who had waved her hand in front of him, rolled her eyes and paid while her friend stared at his face. Felix handed the bag of goods over and watched as the friend kept staring until the girl nudged her.
“Hey, random question.” Said the friend. “Were you ever an idol? You kinda look like this guy on a survival show I watched” Saying that, the first girl scrutinized Felix’s face. He felt like a bug under a microscope and shrunk back a bit. Realizing they were waiting for his answer he cleared his throat.
“Uh, no. No, I was never an idol.” The words stung as they left his lips, more so as he felt the truth in them. He had, in fact, never been an idol. The girl glared at her friend and dragged her and the rest of their group out the door, snacks in tow. Immediately as the doors closed, Felix reached under the counter for his phone and typed in the group’s name. The first headline said it all.
“Stary Kids Member Kim Woojin leaves the group amid scrutiny and scandal”. Felix clicked the link.
Kim Woojin, member and main vocalist of 4th gen boy group Stary Kids, has left the group amid rumors of a night club scandal involving the singer and several unnamed idol trainees. In his statement to leave he announced that this was a mutual decision by the group and himself and he is joining a new company to pursue his solo career. Many fans of the group are shocked and dismayed at the events currently being investigated by local law enforcement. This is the second scandal the group has faced that lost them a member after Hwang Hyunjin’s departure in 2020. Fans wonder if the group is cursed or should even go on after this news came right after it was announced that inhouse producer and rapper Han Jisung is ending his contract with JYPE. There has been no official statement yet on whether Han will also leave the group or any further word from the group itself outside the official statement…
Felix scrolled past the comments, he knew better at this point, checking a few other sites that all said the same thing. Woojin was leaving. Many of the articles talked about the so-called curse the group was under, admonishing them for trying to break the industry mold in the first place and somehow making that the reason for all their bad karma. Felix felt the heat rush to his face as he saw some wildly untrue and disparaging remarks about the “3RACHA” social experiment before the chime of the door reminded him he was still at work. This would have to wait.
Winter should’ve been over by now but that sharp cold of early spring reminded him that he was not dressed in a way that would withstand snow. Heading for the nearest bus station, Felix shiver to his core. As he sat on the bus, he looked down at his long black T, realizing too late there was a stain at the hem. As he rubbed at it, the material gave way and instead of a stain there was now a hole. Great. Felix stared out the window, blinking back tears, one minor inconvenience away from completely breaking down.
The restaurant was just as he remembered it; small, hidden, full of cheap food and delicious smells. Felix looked to their usual table, empty. He scanned the room, catching someone in a black hoodie and beanie in the furthest corner. Approaching the table, he could see his friend more clearly. The man looked rough. Head in hands he stared at some spot on the table, not even hearing Felix approach.
“Sup, Cunt?” Felix said more cheerfully than he felt. Hoping to pull out a smile.
Chris looked up bleary eyed, with dark circles even make- up couldn’t hide. Not that he was wearing any. Clearly, no schedule today. He gave Felix a whisper of a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
“Hey.” Chris’s voice sounded strained, like he’d been screaming for hours. “I already ordered for us”
As if summoned, a waiter appeared with food. Felix’s mouth watered at the smell, almost foregoing manners he instinctively reached for the bowl nearest him before stopping. He looked at Chris who just shrugged like “go ahead”. The heat of the food was the only deterrent as Felix filled his belly full for the first time in what felt like weeks. As he ate, Chris just watched him. Not speaking, not eating, just watching as his friend inhaled the food in front of them. As Felix took a break to breathe he realized he was the only one eating and slowed down.
“I, uh, I saw the news” Felix started trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible.
“Oh, yeah. It’s the most publicity we’ve gotten in years. Guy comes back from service just to pull…” Chris stops himself before finishing the sentence. Forcing a smile and change of subject he continues, “Anyway, it’s been a day. How’ve you been? It’s been what? A year?”
“Two actually. I’ve been…it’s been…” Felix contemplated how much or little to share as the drowning feeling clawed at his throat from the innocuous question. His mind screamed the answers. It’s been what? It’s been hell? It’s been a slow crawl towards death with nothing to show for it? The words jumped on his tongue, begging to be said. Instead he bit them back with a simple answer of “it’s been”
Chris nodded as if he understood. He didn’t. There’s no way he could. He had no clue what Felix had been doing or going through and Felix had been too proud to ask for help or share.
“The group is done.” Chris finally said the words after a long silence between them. The weight of them hung in the air between them. Felix paused his spoonful of rice halfway to his mouth. Chris looked like he was struggling but continued. “It’s my fault. There was a similar incident not long after debut. Not this bad but after losing Minho and you especially I couldn’t handle losing another member. So I begged him to stay. Covered for him. I should have…well there’s a lot of things I should have done." The last words were spit out with such anger Felix blinked, shrinking back and away from the source.
Chris sighed, “Jisung is leaving too. I don’t know what happened, just who it might involve but whatever it was, it was bad enough that he’s done. Jeongin has said he’s gonna try to go solo or continue modeling or something. And then there were three…maybe I should quit too. Clearly, I wasn’t cut out for this. Just don’t have an eye for people I guess.” Chris tried to laugh but it sounded as hollow as his eyes looked. Felix gave him a wry smile in return. Consolation prize for the effort.
Then the dam broke. Something about this moment. The absurd difficulty of their circumstances became so crazy it was funny. Felix began to laugh. Genuinely laugh. Chris looked on, an expression of concerned curiosity, as his friend struggled to compose himself.
“We”, Felix wiped a tear away, “God, our lives are just fucked aren’t they?”
At this Chris also began to laugh. He couldn’t refute it .Their laughter devolved, by the end Felix couldn’t tell if they were laughing or crying, but whatever it was, it was necessary.
“I’ve really missed you, man.” Chris said when they could both breathe again without falling into another fit of hysterics.
“You too.” said Felix. A genuine smile on his face this time.
For a while it was like old times. The two friends caught up as best they could, talking about everything and nothing. Hours they sat, ignoring the consequences of an outside world, until they were the only ones left in the closing restaurant. After a weak argument from Felix about paying that was quickly shut down they walked out onto the street together shivering in the cold damp predawn air. As they said their goodbyes Felix stopped and turned to watch Chris walking away.
“Oi, Chris.” Felix shouted a little louder than he meant to.
Chris turned, he had just crossed the street, his foot not quite on the curb, “yeah?”
“I think I’m gonna go home.”
“Well, I should hope so it’s 3am”
“No. I think I’m gonna go home to Australia. For good.” Felix almost couldn’t believe the words that passed his own lips but saying them felt right. He needed to let all of this go. Tell his family the truth. Maybe have a normal life. Felix felt almost giddy with the freedom even the idea of going home gave him.
“Wait right there” Chris said before stepping back into the street.
The car came so fast. Felix didn’t even have time to process it. It was like a magic trick, blink and you'll miss it. In one second, Felix saw Chris as if etched into the fabric of time itself, hand out telling him to wait, stepping into the street. Time slowing.
Blink.
A black SUV was where Chris was just standing, one wheel over the curb. There had been no screeching of tires, no crashing of metal and glass, just a dull thud and a stain on the ground. Reality rushing back in, Felix searched frantically for his friend. Beyond the vehicle, further down the street than he could fathom, he saw him. Lying in the road. Felix called to Chris as he ran, the name ripped from his throat by the scream he felt in his entire body. Felix reached his friend and knelt beside, trying to assess the damage. Chris’s body was contorted in pain, gasping for air but couldn’t seem to catch his breath. His eyes were wild, looking everywhere till they saw and focused on Felix.
Felix wasn’t a doctor by any stretch, but he knew it wasn’t good. Definitely some broken bones judging by the new angles appendages bent. Felix screamed for help, he fumbled for his phone to call for an ambulance. His brain couldn’t process the questions they were asking him. He just repeated over and over again. “Help. I think he’s dying. Please save him.” his Korean getting progressively worse with the stress. A gentle touch, slightly slick, grazed Felix’s arm. Chris was reaching out to him and mumbling in between gasps. Felix grabbed his hand.
“Don’t you do this to me you motherfucker.” Felix almost growled as if he could will his friend’s life to stay in his body as the blood on the pavement grew and pooled around his knees. “Don’t do this.” He screamed for help again, looking to the suv that hit him, people were exiting the car. Felix turned to Chris with relief, “Don’t worry, people are coming. It’s gonna be ok, man. We’re gonna get you fixed up”
Chris looked at him, the fear in his eyes cutting Felix’s heart in half, he was mumbling but Felix couldn’t hear. Leaning in closer, he could barely make it out, but it sounded like, “don’t leave me”.
“I’m not gonna leave you. I’m right here and you’re going to be fine.” Felix could feel Chris’s grip loosening and he clung all the tighter, thinking if he just held tight enough this wouldn’t be happening. Chris’s eyes were losing focus. “Hey, hey, mate. Look at me. Find me.” Felix tried to get him to focus. The people from the car were here but he didn’t look up at them, he was locked into Chris’s eyes and the light fading from them. “Always find me, yeah?” Felix, squeezed his friend's hand so tight.
“I’m not gonna leave you behi–”
Whack.
Pain exploded in Felix’s mind before he could even register he’d been hit. He fell over his friend, who had stopped making noise of any kind. Blood dripped down his forehead from somewhere higher. Somewhere towards the back of his head. The wound felt hot, then cold, as his own blood mixed into the already soaked pavement.
Disoriented, Felix could still feel his hand tightly gripping his friend’s limp, cooling hand and gave it one last squeeze.
“I’m not gonna leave you behind”