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“You ready?” Chan comes up behind and gently places his hand on Hyunjin’s shoulder. The younger one turns at the touch, eyebrows raised for a second before his face relaxes when he sees Chan. He shoots a knowing grin, bringing a fist up and shaking it, pumping an anticipated energy.
“Yeah, I am. Let’s do it.”
Escape is almost finished and as Chan goes behind the stage down to the other side, he can’t help but smile. From the little that he’s seen through the curtain wings, Jeongin and Changbin are killing it. It’s a bit different, obviously, seeing the song that he’s known and performed for so long be in different hands, but they’re doing so well. And it’s all fun, that’s what the whole fanmeeting is about; fun.
It was good seeing Seungmin and Minho performing Truman, the mixture of high explosive energy from Minho, who swore he couldn’t do the whole rap in English and then destroyed the stage like Chan knew he would, and Seungmin, who, despite not having the entirety of movement, carried the song completely in the lower octave, sunglasses, and center (as he heard Felix describe backstage, “aura”).
Speaking of Felix, it was incredible seeing him too, rapping being something he’s loved and was effortlessly anchored in, and then there was Jisung who breezed through the chorus like it was a regular Tuesday morning and not a Saturday night. The bike malfunction in the end was something Chan didn’t actually see happen as he was retouching his makeup in the green room, but heard about later on. He couldn’t help but shake his head, a fond smile at Jisung who tried to explain that the bike “just couldn’t move, hyung!”
And now with Changbin and Jeongin who have been gracing the stage- their stage technically, both Chan’s and Hyunjin’s- Chan can hear the final part and gets in position. From where he is, their dancers and Changbin and Jeongin are there, and if he leans forward a bit he can see Dwaekki and Foxy.In’s hilarious cameo on the screen. It’s nearing the very end of the song now, and Chan steps on his tip toes a bit, just to see if above everything in the middle of the stage, he can make out a figure that he assumes is Hyunjin on the other side. He sees Hyunjin somehow, and when they both look at each other, he takes a deep breath, Hyunjin doing the same.
They’ve got it. They’ve rehearsed, went through the plan multiple times. It’ll be good; something Chan hopes Stay will enjoy and smile and laugh with, but deeper than that, it’s something he hopes Hyunjin will thrive in. And he knows he will.
The final bit is done with mini fireworks and a little skit moment, and immediately the arena fills with cheers and laughter as they all run away. Chan claps himself for a second before rolling his shoulders, standing a bit straighter, getting into position. The lights are out, and footsteps are scrambling, dancers brushing past him. Chan gives each dancer within arms reach a little smack on the shoulder or butt, anything he can find in the dark and quick passing moment that just says ‘good job’, just as they say ‘fighting’ right back.
There’s a beat of silence, and then…
Hyunjin steps forward first. People start cheering regardless of if there’s music or just a fill in silence, but Chan can’t help but smile as they both leave the back curtains, fully in view from the stage where the spotlight shines on them. They’re walking towards each other, and it’s fun, and a bit silly, a moment where Chan playfully pauses in his step for a millisecond before continuing, and where Hyunjin has his hands behind his back, looking over the crowd with a look that could give off a wayfarer, and then, equally pauses for a second when he ‘discovers’ Chan is there, before breaking out into a smile enough to make the crowd laugh along. They keep walking amidst the cheers and when they’re a few feet away from each other, Chan spreads his arms wide open, giggling at the faux nonchalance on Hyunjin’s face. But he walks forward still, hands still behind his back, right to where he’s met in Chan’s arms. Hyunjin is rigid- his hands are still behind his back, and he doesn’t wrap his arms around Chan, but sort of crashes, letting himself be held with a soft smile on his face. It’s planned of course, they know that. They wanted it to be something cute for the crowd, the perfect transition that can start off the tone of it all. And it’s ironic, considering their previous stage being a much more feral number. This time, when the lights go off for a second and they both quickly get into their positions (laying on their sides in a funny model-like pose), Chan knows that this particular stage is softer and he enjoys it.
The music begins, the spotlight is back on, and there’s a mixture of both laughter and cheers. It’s everything they wanted, from Chan’s silly ideas to Hyunjin’s visions now coming to life. He can remember it, there in the practice room.
“...we hug, the lights go out, then we have a second to be on the ground.” Chan explains.
Hyunjin bursts into giggles, looking up from his phone. He’s in a grey t-shirt that actually sticks to his skin because although they don’t have choreography other than stage marks on where to stand at certain places, he insisted on getting his body warmed up for a bit before the planning.
“So we should just drop, then?” Hyunjin asks, and then without warning, demonstrates by throwing himself dramatically on the ground. Chan pauses, wanting to say something, but the way that Hyunjin falls is kind of funny and when Hyunjin turns and lays his body on the ground and looks at the ceiling, he only laughs.
“Are you okay?” He says.
Hyunjin smiles, letting his eyes close. “Yeah.”
“Are you hurt?”
“Just…my pride.”
Chan throws his head back and laughs, inhaling breaths every few seconds a laugh comes out. After a few seconds he lowers himself and sits down next to Hyunjin, looking over at him.
“Seungmin and Minho start their stage lying down. But they don’t hurt themselves for it.” He says.
Hyunjin shrugs, smiling still, as he rolls to his side. He props his elbow up, placing his hand to his hair and looks at Chan, a small smile on his face.
For some strange reason, right there, it clicks. Not even when the music plays or they’ve had time to really learn the song, it’s just a moment where seeing Hyunjin laying down on his side in this position, makes Chan remind himself that the whole purpose for fan meetings and unit swaps is to not take things so seriously, and to have fun in your own way.
“What if we started the song like that?” Chan suddenly asks.
Hyunjin tilts his head. “Like, what?”
Chan suddenly untucks his legs from underneath him and stretches them, and then lies on his side, propping his elbow and planting his fist under his chin in mirroring Hyunjin. Without needing to say anything, Hyunjin looks at him and laughs.
“Lying down just like this?” He points his finger first at Chan, then himself, and then again as though gesturing what they’re doing.
Chan nods. “It’d be funny.”
“You would be behind me.” Hyunjin suddenly brainstorms, and Chan can’t tell if it’s funny or impressive just how well Hyunjin works with him, how something as elementary as this is actually going into a considerate thought.
“Right after you hug me, the lights go down and then suddenly when it’s on we’ll just be facing Stay like,” Hyunjin gives a certain look, so serious and deadpan like a modeling photoshoot that it makes Chan laugh some more, clapping his hands.
“Stay will think it’s funny. We should do it.”
Hyunjin shrugs as if there was no other room for anything else. “We’ll do it.”
Chan lifts his mic to his lips and starts to sing along to the track. He’s always liked Cinema; the overall composition fits well with Seungmin and Minho’s tones. It was something that deep down Chan wanted to indulge in, and with that, there’s a huge amount of gratitude that he actually can.
By the time Hyunjin sings, Chan thinks back to the hard times. How can he not? His mind happens to go back to earlier moments, where the timelines in their life hadn’t been easy. It started early last year or maybe even just before that.
“Are you okay?” Chan asks gently when he watches Hyunjin massage around his neck and collarbone. Hyunjin swiftly nods, glancing at Chan for a second before back at the floor. He knows that Hyunjin’s not one of those people who like to have the attention on themselves, and Chan should drop it, but there’s something about the way Hyunjin massages the tense muscle, his forehead creases in wrinkles for a second. It shouldn’t be that painful or different.
But then Hyunjin hums under his breath, and Chan can’t really sit there for much longer when he sees the brows that furrow, hears the way that a usual sturdy timbre is a timid whisper. They’re lounging right now in Chan’s dorm with some of the other members that are singing karaoke. Hyunjin’s humming along to the song, but some parts don’t come out the way they should and Chan gives it a few seconds before he turns to him.
‘Approach him gently’, he tells himself.
Chan places a hand over Hyunjin’s wrist and when the younger one looks at him, he touches his own neck, massaging in small circles. “Is it okay?”
There’s check-ups with the members sometimes, usually before they’re about to record a part and Chan is informed of some issues that could come such as maybe sore throats, not being warmed up enough, lack of humidifier use, and the like. There’s nothing bad about it, nothing that can’t be well taken care of. So it’s not foreign for Chan to ask when Hyunjin just sits there, looking at him with a lost look on his face.
“It’s been weird for a bit, now.” He mutters.
Chan waits for a few seconds to see if Hyunjin would say more, but he doesn’t.
“What is?”
“My voice.” Hyunjin answers.
Hm.
“I can’t…” Hyunjin lets out a breath, and waits for a moment where the song has a higher note. The key changes by two notes completely, to be fair, which makes the original note much higher to attain. But Hyunjin tries anyway. It’s not gone or off or anything like that, but it does fry, something that Chan could notice a little in his talking, but never to the extreme.
Hyunjin rubs the base of his neck once more and then looks at Chan. “How does it go? What note is it again?” He asks, after a few seconds of that difficult part of the song being finished.
Chan doesn’t sing yet, as he waits for the music, but Hyunjin tries once more. He tries and at one point his voice falters so Chan holds his hand up mid-air, showing an invisible bar of where the note sits. He hit the note, and looks at Hyunjin, who nods and then tries, but his shoulders slump and he gives a dry chuckle, slouching back on the couch.
“I can’t.” A sharp exhale comes out of Hyunjin’s nose in what sounds like an anxious laugh.
Chan pauses. As much as he wants to get into the problem, filling Hyunjin’s head with all the levels of encouragement that could help him, he can see the way frustration slowly starts creeping in, and one thing about the younger is that he’d like to have his space to figure stuff out for a bit.
“It’s insanely high for no reason.” Chan ends up replying, and Hyunjin gives a slow nod, but says nothing, taking another long sip of his coffee.
When the reverb is in Chan’s ears, it resounds, not just with Hyunjin singing right in front of him, but a hollowed echo across the Arena. And it sounds, honestly…pretty freaking amazing.
The lights go down once more, music stopping for a second and they both stand up. They start to walk a bit, when the music builds up and to the chorus.
“When this light goes down
Story starts to rise up
스쳐 가는 운명 사이로 오늘의 막이 열려
Never stop writing down
명장면을 담을 때까지
I won't let go”
They turn to each other, a dramatic moved look on their faces. That was the plan and both of them flow into it, hands outstretched.
“This is our cinema.”
They break their gazes then, turning to face the crowd, hand outstretched everywhere, grasping for something with awe as though walking down the stage for the first time. It's funny, being overdramatic like this, but with Hyunjin, Chan finds that he can do anything, he can play any role he wants. It's just so easy with him.
“Let me be your cinema.”
They walk fully down to the end of the stage now, facing the front of sparkling lights. The song cuts to just by the end of the second chorus, the transition smooth so no one really notices what's been chopped off, and Chan smiles when he says ‘Stay’ and hears them cheer back.
It's only for a few seconds, Chan saying his piece, Hyunjin saying his, before the drums come back in and the confetti fly up in rainbows showing not just the names of every Stay present, but the live drone that pans through the crowd too. As Chan and Hyunjin are walking back now to where they can see two microphone stands are left for them, Chan feels this surge in his heart. It's a beautiful moment.
They reach back to where they were when they started now, and it's the very last bit of their Cinema cover. Being here, right now, he can understand how liberating it is. Not just for him and the sake of Stay, although they're important, but the understanding that the man standing next to him is not in the same place he was a year ago.
The whole process of recording isn't easy, not on either end. One person is singing what's asked of them, and the other is making sure that it's precise in what they want; what the song asks for. It's not something personal at all, as a voice is an instrument. So it can be difficult, with instruction and precision asked (whether “make the pronunciation clearer on this part”, or “it's flat”, or “less breathy”) to make sure that the person recording their voice is able to detach their own thinking to their voice. It's not them who is incapable, it's not that they're at fault for what comes out. They are not the problem, their voice, their instrument, just needs to be modified in one part.
Chan has worked with the members for so long that he knows what works on them. At their credit, they've also worked hard and gotten way better at detaching themselves as people, from the product of their voice. However, as each of the members are different, Chan, Changbin, and Jisung recognize which methods can be used for each member specifically, and note their studio manners as well.
For example, Seungmin is more on a perfectionist side, and while it can be seen as easy to work with Chan, sometimes when they have the exact time they need for mixing, he always wants to do it again, sure that he can make something even better. Sometimes, the song requires not the full 100% but something layered to about 80%, and yet it can be more of an effort to tell Seungmin that it's okay to be less, that the specific song wants him that way.
Minho and Jeongin take the time to sound out certain vowels. Sometimes, Chan finds it helpful when giving certain examples that they can remember (“Truly is a ‘ch’ sound, not ‘tr’, like churros? Like that”). They take the lessons as helpful, and their English improves better and better each day.
Felix has an ear that can replicate anything Chan wants of his voice. If in a lower, wilder register, he can provide. If the song wants to shine light on his singing, he’ll sing in softer tones that he can still, sometimes, be nervous of. Chan encourages him, usually in English, just because he knows that a lot of Felix’s hard work is done behind the scenes when no one is there and he really wants to find the part. He likes praise and assurance, the rest of the members know, and so they try to meet him in the middle, between gentle requests and hyping up whenever he meets their need.
Hyunjin is someone who Chan has always loved working with. Not just in the studio recording, but with dance planning for award shows or tours or powerful stages, he loves having Hyunjin with him. Hyunjin has the factor of being his visionary. When Chan has dulled versions in his head, Hyunjin can pick up all the pieces he may have forgotten, or add color to his suggestions. When it's singing a song, it's even more of an intimate process, considering the fact that Hyunjin likes to paint a story.
Today, as they tackle one of their songs that would be going on an album for way later in the year, Chan can notice quite off the bat that it's one of those days. Hyunjin's voice has been going through a lot early that year, and both Chan and Hyunjin’s vocal coach has talked and understood that certain heights he’d try for wouldn't come through at the moment. He takes things carefully and measured, and is working through it step-by-step, but Chan knows that in his mind, it's not where Hyunjin wants to be. Some days he's not as bothered by it, other days, like today, Chan can already foresee it's going to be a more attentive session.
“Okay…” Chan presses the talk back button and looks up at the glass window where Hyunjin is standing, taking a few sips of water.
“Let's just test it out first, try it as you can.” Chan says, gently.
Hyunjin looks at him, adjusting his headphones. “Okay.”
They wait for the music to start, one of Jisung’s guides coming in. As soon as it’s the part where Hyunjin starts, it’s small and a bit hesitant, and both Chan and Hyunjin know there needs to be more. But, they’re just starting, and Chan has the studio booked for the next two hours with plenty of time.
Chan stops the music, just as Hyunjin clears his throat, sitting down by the stool. His eyes don’t look at Chan but he makes a circle gesture with his index finger.
“Let’s do it again.”
Chan nods slowly, shooting what he hopes is a patient smile. “Whatever you need.”
The next few takes are more difficult than the rest. It’s difficult because while Chan is very much in the room with Hyunjin, he can notably see the struggle not just with the reach of what and how he’s supposed to sing, but the distress on the younger’s face that looks more internally. Where Chan sits outside of the small booth limits him from knowing what Hyunjin’s thinking of himself, and he’d hate to know, because everything that’s been going on with his vocal chords are not his fault.
“That was better, let’s do it just a couple more times.” Chan says gently after another loop. They’ve been there on the same line for several minutes now, not able to move on. But it was okay, Chan truly is patient and understanding but he knows how frustrating it is for Hyunjin. No one wants to be stuck on the same line on repeat because the delivery isn’t there.
Hyunjin plants his fingers on the top of his chest, perched out as though clawing, but curling his fingernails on the skin. If it wasn’t clear massaging Chan would be worried he was clawing, and the last thing he’d want is for Hyunjin to be so wrapped up in his thoughts he accidentally hurts himself.
Chan doesn’t hear Hyunjin say anything so he plays the music again to diffuse the silence. He watches as Hyunjin nods his head to the tempo, counting the beats before he goes at it again, this time his voice faltering in hesitance just before he hits the required note. It’s weakening from the last times, and Chan doesn’t know if maybe they should suggest a break, or just something else.
“I…” Hyunjin shakes his head and curses under his breath.
“It’s okay Hyune. You’re doing okay. Really.”
Hyunjin raises his hand to his lip, subconsciously biting on his thumb nail. Chan tries not to notice the way his hand is shaking and says once again in a soft voice ‘you’re doing well’.
Hyunjin snaps out of whatever he thinks of, and looks over at Chan. “Let’s do it again.”
Chan pauses for a second, but then nods. If there’s any slight bit of determination, he wants to encourage that. Just as long as this is something where Hyunjin feels like he can, and not force himself to get there. They would make a way, they always did.
Chan starts the music once more, this time going back a little bit so Hyunjin has more time to get ready. He hums the starting note for Hyunjin, and he hums it right back and nods, facing the mic. Chan folds his hands under his chin, his elbows planted on the desk. ‘Please’, he thinks or prays or wishes or whatever, ‘let him have this’.
Hyunjin opens his mouth, taking a deep breath just as he starts, but there’s a waver in his voice, rushed and strained and he stops, the music still playing. Chan feels his heart sink, stopping the music just as he catches the pink hue now on Hyunjin’s nose and cheeks. He blinks rapidly, mouth quivering, and somehow Chan just knows. He feels that there’s more hurt and an overwhelming state around Hyunjin. He’ll suggest a break.
But Hyunjin speaks moves before Chan can even suggest it. He shakes his head, his voice wobbly on the verge of tears.
“Chan, I’m really sorry,” Hyunjin mutters, pulling his cap down over his face. He leaves the booth, and pushes the door open, his head down in shame.
“It’s okay. Hey- it’s okay Hyunie, we’ll just-”
Hyunjin moves as though he doesn’t hear him, heading straight for his bag that’s by the foot of the couch. Chan freezes, mind doubling with thoughts of what needs to be a prevention. Perhaps suggesting water, taking deep breaths, abandoning the studio for today and watching movies, taking a walk, eating food, telling him a funny story so it takes his mind off of things, giving Hyunjin the space he needs…
Catch him.
It’s not Hyunjin’s fault in the slightest. Truly he knows that, right? He should know that these things are sensitive but never the fault of the other, never in the way that makes him feel less than. Chan should tell him that. He should wait for after Hyunjin’s been calm for the rest of the day and encourage him, and give him the chance to go at the song at his pace and understand that he didn’t do anything wrong.
Catch him.
It’s loud, this thought, louder than the rest and it repeats, maybe with some sign for Chan to listen to it. It’s almost like a voice, beyond himself and the moment.
The way to the door from the booth isn’t long, and the speed that Hyunjin is heading out, with each footstep comes each thought again. Suddenly Chan realizes that the weight of frustration that Hyunjin’s feeling, it isn’t just about what he can’t deliver in the studio today, but something deeper than that. Something greater.
He can’t let Hyunjin reach the door.
Catch him.
The chair scraps the floor as Chan suddenly gets up with an urgency.
Catch him!
Chan rushes, just as Hyunjin’s hand goes to the doorknob. He wraps himself immediately, holding Hyunjin from behind, not just in a hug, but close. Holding. Not letting go.
And Hyunjin breaks.
His shoulders slump, body shaking, and then Chan hears it, the soft but battered sobs of what has been bottled in for this past year. Soon the tears turn into wails, mumbled words of apologies and ‘why’s amidst the cries and Chan just lets him. He holds him even tighter, arms wrapped around his waist, head against his back, like the thought of losing Hyunjin to this battle of insecure has Chan even more scared than he even realized.
Chan closes his eyes, repeatedly telling him ‘it’s okay’ as Hyunjin cries, his body fully limp in Chan’s arms.
“And now, night after night
When you cannot find your way
I’ll be waiting
Welcome to our cinema”
They cue their turn to face the camera as the song ends, just as it’s been rehearsed, just as Seungmin and Minho did it for their performance. The last of the names appearing on the ‘movie credits’ roll up and the music ends just as the cheers erupt. And Chan…
Chan has never been more proud.
Hyunjin not only hits the notes, but he completely and flawlessly delivers it, something that doesn’t come from strain or push, but it soars. It carries, rich and full, filled with the hard work that’s been done behind the scenes, the late nights of emotion people didn’t even know of. Now, Hyunjin masters the song, declaring that he’s back.
When Chan looks over, his heart stops, because Hyunjin’s already looking at him.
And when he looks at him, there are stars in his eyes as he smiles.
It's something that completely floors Chan, a force that almost pushes him from where he stands. It's beautiful. Hyunjin’s smiling at him, just at him, and it's beautiful and youthful but with the stars that dance. It's genuine with the joy of finding himself, and although the song ends and the crowd cheers, the moment feels like it's reserved for just them; the way that Hyunjin beams at Chan almost like it is. There's an unspoken language, but the message is so clear:
I did it, hyung.
Hyunjin’s so beautiful like this. He’s happy and radiant and glowing with a smile for Chan alone, something sacred enough that sets off a weird thought that sends waves to his heart.
I want to kiss him.
What?
It’s different and probably adrenaline, and Chan swallows, pushing that thought from the back of his mind and forcing himself back to the present where, yes, the song just ended, Hyunjin did an amazing job, the crowd is cheering, and it’s over.
Chan doesn't know who moves first, he can't really tell, but somehow his arm opens just as Hyunjin crashes once more, and as he's in Chan’s hold, the cheers rising in the arena once the lights go out, Chan feels Hyunjin shaking.
But this time, it's not like when Hyunjin cried in Chan’s arms to catch. It's the opposite, where they're on the other side of victory now, with a pride so deep it bleeds out with emotion.
His body doesn't shake from crying. This time, he's laughing.
Chan feels himself smile as he holds Hyunjin tighter for a second before they depart. The transitions to the next parts are quick and they have to keep moving as the lights are dark. He starts to turn, but looks back when he sees Hyunjin put his mic back to the mic stand and then he starts running blissfully backstage in the most adorable way.
Adorable, really.
Chan follows after him, heading backstage and the chaos returns. They’re back in the full swing of things, back to the stylists and staff are all running, members rushing in and out of rooms, pulling jackets out of hangers and loudly shouting over the room as the VCR plays in the stadium. Chan pauses for a second, and then goes back into concentration as his new outfit, a white little cropped jacket, and half mini skirt over white pants is handed to him. When all the members are changed, they hurry back, and Chan catches Hyunjin talking with Jisung by the curtain wing, the set of clear glasses over his eyes, and while they’re a great addition for his look, he almost mourns the stars he’s seen in his eyes earlier.
When he smiled at him that way, pretty and pure.
A smack to the butt causes Chan to yelp and when he turns around, he sees Minho who laughs. Chan rolls his eyes, shaking his head and when they get their cue from the stage directors to get in position when the video is over. Chan goes, standing by Changbin and Jisung, while Hyunjin, Felix, and Jeongin are on the other side, and Minho in the center. Seungmin is sitting down away from them, but he’s in position.
The song starts and Chan dances, telling himself that he needs to be excellent, since, of course, this is their first time performing ‘Give Me Your TMI’. He has to be in mode and not distracted, definitely not by the long dark-haired member who dances in his element. Definitely not by the smile he gave him at the end of cinema.
Definitely not by the urge that still wants to kiss him, whatever that was.
__________
The fanmeeting finishes an hour later, and Chan has managed to go through it all, surviving the first day. That doesn’t go without saying that somewhere in between he gets too in his head that some of the members notice. It starts when they’re leaving the venue, split in the two cars that will take them back home. Chan is with Jeongin, Felix, and Seungmin, and the rest are in the other car.
“What. A. Night.” Felix says, closing his eyes, still panting from just jumping up and down. The rest of the guys are slightly flushed from the movement as well, and although Seungmin had the scooter, he still did enough that paid the tired look on his face.
“You did good, Min.” Chan smiles, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder. Then he looks at Felix and Jeongin. “All of you did.”
“Thanks, you too, Channie-hyung.” Felix smiles, taking a sip from his water bottle.
“Were you okay, by the way?” It’s Jeongin that asks, turning to look at Chan. “You were pretty out of it in the last half.”
Chan freezes. “Oh. Um…”
“Yeah!” Seungmin suddenly laughs. “You kept messing up in Give Me Your TMI.”
That specific stage Chan remembers messing up a little, it was true. Somehow his mind was still burning with what had just happened and somehow…somehow that smile and want just kept coming back. Hyunjin just kept coming back to Chan’s mind.
Chan feels someone hold his arm and he snaps out of it, seeing Felix turn to Seungmin.
“It’s our first time performing that song in front of Stay, give him a break.” Felix says, squeezing Chan’s bicep. He then leans forward a bit, his voice lowering so only Chan can hear.
“You good though?” He asks in English. Chan nods, giving a small smile.
“Yeah, I’m just…just the adrenaline, you know? It was an exciting night.”
Felix sits back, looking at Chan for a long second before he smiles. The quick look Chan honestly can’t tell if he suspects something, but Felix doesn’t say anything. “Okay. Make sure you sleep well.”
Chan nods instantly. “Yeah.”
The drive continues and Chan finds himself looking out at the night sky where a big half moon shines over the trees they pass. The rest of the members are quiet, all on their phones as Chan looks out the window. A passing thought of ‘does Hyunjin see the moon right now?’ enters and leaves Chan’s head, and he blinks because why is he thinking about his groupmate so much?
Chan needs to go home, wash the day off, and then sleep. There’s so much that has been happening throughout the night, and with the music and dancing and so many Stay that came out to support them, and the flashing lights and everything, this is probably what’s going on with Chan right now. Adrenaline.
But Hyunjin…
Hyunjin did so well. He did more than that, he was incredibly beautiful and moving. There’s so many words to describe how well he did, how well he is now, and pretty of a soul Chan is fond of, how beautiful of a smile that makes him want to feel it against his own lips and smile right back on them.
“Chan-hyung, wake up, we’re here.”
Chan turns, lifting his head up from the window and looks at Jeongin who unbuckles his seatbelt, starting to climb out of his seat.
“C’mon.”
Wordlessly, Chan follows. They’ve already made it home. They arrived at their destination and Chan had no idea because he was too busy thinking about Hyunjin. It was like time managed to stop and there’s a pang that shoots in Chan’s stomach at the thought, the feelings overtaking him even now as he steps out of the car and faces the moonlight.
“Goodnight Innie, goodnight Chan-hyung!” Felix waves.
Chan plasters a small smile. “Goodnight.”
“Try to get some sleep, Chan.” Seungmin advises. Chan gives a small eye roll that’s playful and then turns and starts walking, giving one more wave over his shoulder. Jeongin walks alongside him and when they open the door to their place and walk in, that’s when the car drives off. Chan closes the door behind him and lets out a sigh.
“That was crazy.” He says.
Jeongin laughs, kicking off his shoes. “Uh huh. Tell me about it.”
He beelines to the bathroom immediately, because between the two of them, Jeongin’s always the one to wash up first before he lounges on the couch. Chan admires that, he’d love to do it himself, but he gets so tired after long days and needs a moment to just sit and let out a breath.
The lounging isn’t the greatest, because now that Chan is by himself in the living room, his mind goes back to that smile. Why, why did Hyunjin have to smile at him like that? Did it mean anything? Sure, he was happy and proud of himself, and acknowledged the fact that the song went flawlessly and he did it, but…was there anything else? Anything like what Chan’s been feeling since they hugged?
Chan sighs, reaching over to take his phone. He debates texting Hyunjin, maybe a ‘you did so good’ texts, but he backtracks out of it, overthinking. What if Hyunjin isn’t even awake right now? Wouldn’t that be a bit too much anyway, since Chan had the whole night to tell him that he did a good job? Was it too late to bring back up, since the day is over and it’s been so many songs since Cinema’s last note?
Chan shakes his head, and then pushes himself off the couch. He heads to the other bathroom, and decides to just power through the fatigue of his nightly routine. The shower runs hot, not so much that it’s scorching, but nice enough for the warmth to hit him at the end of a rather chilly spring’s day. He absolutely does not think of Hyunjin still; not when he’s finishing up, not when he says goodnight to Jeongin who declares himself retiring to bed, and not when he heads down to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Not when he sits in the living room by himself with the dim orange night light on, not when he’s browsing through the TV trying to look at something interesting, and certainly not when he checks his phone ever so often for…something.
Though he does. He definitely does.
Is he eating right now? Is he sleeping? Is he-
There’s a knock on the door.
Chan pauses, his brows furrowing. It’s late and Chan isn’t expecting anyone. Maybe Jeongin, but he wouldn’t have since he decided to go to sleep.
Chan doesn't feel in danger as he gets up from the couch. It's late, yes, but after a long night, it could just be one of the members. It’s happened sometimes; Jeongin and Chan’s form being a sanctuary of debrief after a concert or event. He just doesn't know who, as he glances at the clock that reads 12:11am.
Chan unlocks the door and twists the doorknob, only to be a bit startled.
The one on the other side of the door is the one he can't stop thinking of.
Hyunjin looks smaller (if that's even possible considering he's taller than Chan) in a white t-shirt over grey pajama pants. He’s barefaced, face pink and freshened in a cuter countenance than the stage presence of earlier, and his hair is a bit damp and wavy, indicating just getting washed from the shower.
He looks at Chan and smiles softly, just like normal, nothing that Chan hasn't seen before, and yet he's forgotten how to speak.
“Uh…” Chan’s heart skips a beat. He's not sure if it's pathetic to think about hallucinations or being in a dream world just because he’s looking at Hyunjin who’s right in his doorway after thinking about him for the whole night.
*Hi.” Hyunjin smiles, and it's so bright, putting the night to shame.
Chan stares at him for seconds longer before he realizes he doesn't actually reply. He can't, anyway. Like a shy 13-year old, he still can't find his voice.
What is happening?
Chan just smiles and resorts to stepping out of the way and he opens the door further so Hyunjin can make his way in. It's normal, having members after a show, so Chan just needs to act as normal as he can. When Hyunjin can come over sometimes Felix is with him, or Changbin, and he usually isn't alone, so maybe that's why Chan is secretly losing it. As they make their way to the couch, he finds himself looking over at the place, trying to rearrange the pillows on the couch to make it look more…tidy.
He needs to sleep. What is happening to him?
Chan doesn't even realize that Hyunjin’s carrying anything until they both sit down on the couch and he faces him. A box of strawberries is in his hold, and Hyunjin goes for it immediately, opening the box and popping a just-washed strawberry into his mouth.
It's normal. Comfortable. As though he's already home. Guys bring their snacks and blankets and phones and chargers here every time they want. It’s complimentary to Chan, even, that despite how rowdy the kids can get, he's grateful it's in his place.
But as Hyunjin continues to eat, Chan can't just gawk at him. He clears his throat.
“So…can't sleep, huh?”
Chan inwardly groans at the question. He hopes Hyunjin can't hear how nervous he is.
Fortunately, Hyunjin just smiles, laying back on the couch. “I can't stop thinking about everything. I missed being with Stay. It was so fun. I can't stop thinking about Cinema either.”
Chan smiles. Funny how they're somewhat on the same page.
“It was really good, doing Cinema.” He nods, reaching over to take a strawberry. “Really fun.”
Hyunjin hums and for a moment he doesn't say anything as they both continue to eat. The shared silence spent with each other eating fruit could be something that could be peaceful, if it's not for Chan’s brain to spiral. Hyunjin’s sitting sort of close to him, and he can breathe in how soft and strong his scent is, can hear the beating of his own heart, thumping against his chest as though wanting to come out, and can go back to them on stage and feeling like they were the only ones on the planet.
Hyunjin then breaks the silence, laughing a little. “Is it too cocky to say that I did a good job?”
Chan shakes his head so quickly, it's almost like the question didn't even fully get out before his sudden reaction.
“No. That isn't cocky. Not when you did so freaking amazing.” Chan can't help but place his hand softly on Hyunjin’s knee that's closest to him, before letting go. He looks at Hyunjin’s expression that tries but fails to hold back a smile.
“You did so good. You’ve been through a lot and to be on the other side…I'm just so proud of you.”
Hyunjin beams, pushing hair out of his eyes as he places the strawberry container on the coffee table in front of them.
“Thank you. I have you to thank though. You were always there for me. If you weren’t there that day in the studio…if you didn’t catch me…” Hyunjin shakes his head, letting out an exhale before he looks at Chan, eyes sparkling as he smiles.
“I’m so so grateful.”
And then it happens again. A strong wave of want, or is it need? Chan can't tell. The lines have blurred since the smile Hyunjin gave him earlier and it looks similar to the one he's giving right now. And it does something to Chan.
When he thinks about it, there's always been something there. Fleeting, but present. A spark whenever they'd share the stage together. Of course with songwriting camp they had given birth to Red Lights, and Escape was a concept created a night like this where the two of them couldn't sleep and decided to create character concepts instead.
But those were things that were sexy, and so it was bound to have some sort of…reaction. When those songs came out, fans went wild, and there Chan was with always a small thought in the back of his mind if ‘what if’. Though he never acted on anything because A) responsibilities, and B) Hyunjin never gave any indication that he felt the same. So anything that was there, a curious tempting thought, an imagery, fan art, heart flutters, whatever it was, Chan pushed it away as far as he could.
Now something becomes even weirder because it's not like Cinema was a sexy stage performance. It's not like they sang in subtle suggestive wordplay, or not like Chan had his hand wrapped around Hyunjin’s throat for the art of it.
Though it’s deeper and comes from this place where Chan can remember the hard times. He can remember how it felt like seeing Hyunjin silently struggle and not be able to do anything for him. He remembers wanting to be closer than what would limit him, to be able to take Hyunjin’s pain and take it on himself if it meant he could see him smile again.
And then he did, tonight.
The smile that said a thousand words, that went back to the time and place of their shared hard work and reminders of when Chan didn't give up on Hyunjin because he loved him so. A smile that was shy and a bit giddy but purely beautiful, completely painted with pride. A smile that kept Chan on edge, thinking, just wondering what it would be like to say ‘I know what kissing Hyunjin feels like’, a selfish part that wants to be his reason for glowing every other day.
Chan lets out a breath, eyes slightly widened as he looks away from Hyunjin and to his lap. He has to keep a leash to his thoughts before he's in trouble because what if Hyunjin doesn't think or feel the same? What if he's rather disgusted or confused by it all? What then?
“Hey.” Hyunjin furrows his eyebrows and then tilts his head. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing!” Chan says immediately, his voice betraying him by sounding a pitch higher than normal.
And suddenly it feels too hot in this room. Chan looks behind him, frowning at the thermostat.
“Is it hot in here for you, should I turn off the heat?”
Hyunjin snorts. “Not all of us run hot. But seriously, what's wrong?”
Chan shakes his head, trying to look normal enough. “Nothing’s wrong, really. I'm so so proud of you.” He says.
Hyunjin frowns. “You're thinking about something.”
“I’m not.”
“Chan.”
“I'm okay, really!”
“What is it?”
And then Hyunjin has the audacity to blink his eyes and look at Chan in a way that makes his heart skip a beat. He shouldn't be like this, so soft at midnight, so beautiful to the point where it should be illegal, and just staring at Chan with a look that wants to know what's on his mind, that wants to pry.
Chan can feel deep in his heart how it beats. He's completely and utterly captivated by him.
I want to kiss you.
I can't.
But oh, how I want to.
Chan inhales slowly and Hyunjin just stares at him. For a moment he almost swears he gives it away, there's no way Hyunjin doesn't see it on his face. It's quiet, the ticking of the clock being the only thing that makes noise and somewhere between the way that they don't look away from each other's eyes, It feels like the atmosphere of the room shifts somehow. Hyunjin’s eyes flicker, just a hint of a second to Chan’s lips before looking back at him. His gaze lingering, eyes dilating in a way that still resembles stars, sparkling, inviting.
Something takes over Chan. A tension quite palpable, and while the rational part of his brain tries to plead with him not to act on impulse or desire, he feels his choices fog with every passing second.
Hyunjin raises an eyebrow. “Hyung?”
Screw it.
Without warning Chan snaps, losing all the self-control he’s used to having, and he reaches forward, his hands coming up to cup the sides of Hyunjin’s face. It takes only about a second, he’s not even sure if Hyunjin can react before he leans in, capturing him in a kiss. It’s softer than what Chan’s imagined, much sweeter since the remnants of strawberries on his breath, but as he can get back to his senses and realize he knows what the taste is like, Chan pulls away, inhaling sharply.
Chan’s eyes widen. “I’m so sorry. I’m so fuc-”
Hyunjin’s hand is at the back of Chan’s neck, and in seconds he brings them close, their lips meeting again with more urgency, fire and water, soft and rough as hands get involved running up and down backs and over muscles. They only pull away to breathe and then kiss once more, the feeling of being right here, having Hyunjin kiss him back is overwhelming.
But after a while, they part again, though lingering, as Hyunjin rests his forehead against Chan’s.
“I knew it.” He says, lowly, breathless with a little laugh.
“Knew what?” Chan asks, voice equally low and careful.
Hyunjin pulls back and Chan can see his face now. There’s a different look in his eyes as he smiles, almost in awe.
“I saw your face when Cinema ended,” he pauses, catching his breath. “The way you looked at me, I almost thought I imagined it.”
Oh. Oh, Chan doesn’t know what to do. Sure, Hyunjin is smiling and looking at him in a different light but Chan isn’t sure if this is something he’s even comfortable with. Hyunjin can see right through him, and maybe it isn’t something he wants, it isn’t something expected. Chan forced himself, he gave into his feelings and kissed without checking in or seeking consent.
“Hyunjin, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have-”
Though Chan is cut off when Hyunjin shakes his head, his hand comes back to cup the side of Chan’s face. The smile he has is something that’s warm, and he doesn’t look uncomfortable in the slightest.
He looks…happy.
“Chan…” Hyunjin gently pushes Chan’s face so they’re looking right at each other, still close, still within orbit. Chan can feel his heart beating loudly and wonders if Hyunjin’s aware.
“I-”
“Shh. Let me talk.” Hyunjin gently speaks.
Chan can only nod. His eyes don’t look away from the sparkle in Hyunjin’s eyes, the way that he hasn’t turned away from him in disgust. It must be for a reason.
“If you actually looked at me,” Hyunjin murmurs, his voice gentle and steady as he places his hands around Chan’s neck. ”You’d see I wanted it too.”
Chan searches in his face. It’s real and surprising and a little scary considering the fact that the most beautiful man has his arms wrapped around his neck and looking at him in that way that wills Chan’s hold on his restraint to prosper. He feels like his heart will explode.
“...oh.” Chan breathes out.
Hyunjin just giggles, leaning in close. “Yeah, ‘oh’.” He mocks in a teasing way.
For a moment they just stare at each other. Chan’s hands slowly wrap around Hyunjin’s waist, and he shifts in his seat so he can have this moment be even closer. He can’t help but glance at the younger’s lips again, and he holds back a groan.
“I…I wanted to kiss you. I just…I don’t know what’s wrong with me, you just…you smiled at me and you looked so beautiful and I was thinking about everything that you’ve been through and you just- you never gave up, and to hear you sing tonight I….man, I…” Chan shakes his head.
Hyunjin looks fond and the smile that places stars in the sky comes back again. It makes Chan feel even more entranced.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. After the song, all throughout the rest of the night. I even, on the way home, wanted to text you if you’ve seen the moon out since it’s…you know, pretty, and…it just reminds me of you.”
Hyunjin sticks out his bottom lip (to what looks like an ‘awwww’ way) and his eyes shine and a part of Chan feels like it’s pathetic to be coddled like this, but another and stronger part of him wants to tell Hyunjin every time just how beautiful he is if it means coaxing that reaction.
His eyes flicker back to Hyunjin’s lips when he does smile, and his face feels warm when he sees Hyunjin catch that and give a knowing look.
“You’re pretty too.” Hyunjin whispers in his ear. “So much.”
Damn.
Chan almost can’t help it, but he wants to be a gentleman this time. “Can I kiss you again?”
Hyunjin nods immediately, arms tightening around Chan’s neck. “Yeah, please.”
Chan doesn’t hesitate this time, though he does lean in slower, more deliberate, giving Hyunjin just enough time to pull away if he wanted to.
It amazes Chan that he doesn’t.
Their lips meet again, and softer at first, like they’re both learning on what each other likes. Chan plants as many kisses as he can all over Hyunjin’s lips and his jaw, before diving to his neck. Hyunjin hums, rolling his neck to the side for more access and it does something to Chan’s being. He can’t believe he’s here, right now, like this, completely and utterly captivated. It’s like their kiss is a celebration of how they’ve made it- how Hyunjin made it. It’s warm and unhurried, nothing like the rushed urgency from before, and when Chan comes back to Hyunjin’s lips, he fights the whimper that builds as Hyunjin smiles against his lips, hands combing through the back of his hair.
They’re together like this for what Chan doesn’t know if hours, minutes, or seconds, but it just feels right. It feels like a dream even though he knows it’s real because apparently Hyunjin feels it too and Hyunjin, Hyunjin, Hyunjin….
And wow…there’s something deeper here. Chan feels it immediately.
He’s the first to pull away, reluctantly, but eventually Hyunjin follows, first brushing his nose against Chan’s to make him giggle before he leans back, untangling himself from Chan’s hold. He leans against the couch and sighs, but it sounds content, like chasing what you wanted after a long day.
Chan can relate.
It’s silent for a bit. Chan places a hand on his heart, his brain still thinking about what just happened and what he feels right now. Flashes of thoughts from years ago and moments where he would’ve wanted something more, coming into play as though scenes of a movie.
“…I don’t think I can go back from this,” Chan suddenly admits without thinking, his voice barely above a whisper.
Hyunjin looks over at him and smiles cheekily. “Good,” he says softly.
Chan lets out a breath of a laugh, eyes flickering up to meet his eyes.
“I’m serious.”
“I know,” Hyunjin replies, his voice just as quiet. He then shifts in his seat and sits up a bit straight, reaching over to rub his hand down Chan’s arm before resting it on his hand. They’re not intertwined but just held and somehow it makes this moment way more intimate.
Hyunjin rubs his thumb against the back of Chan’s hand as he whispers. “I am too.”
There’s something about the way he says it, it’s so certain, and calm, and even though it can help Chan with what he’s feeling, it just makes his chest tighten all over again.
Like a six sense, Hyunjin looks over at him and frowns. Somehow he just knows.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
Hyunjin smirks. “Last time you said nothing you finally kissed me.”
Well this time is a bit different than a small kiss. Though no, it wasn’t really small, it was actually great. You’re one of the greatest kissers in the world and I hope I can keep kissing you but the problem is I think it’s not just that I really like you, and I don’t even think tonight was where this all started. I think it’s always been you and I think it’s not just a crush but…
“I think…” Chan blurts out, looking down at his lap. “I think I’m in love with you.”
There’s a pause for a second and Hyunjin doesn’t speak. Chan feels his panic on the rise because did he just confess to his groupmate who doesn’t love him back? Is this dramatic? Does he need water? What-
“Channie, look at me, jagiya.”
Chan lets out a shaky breath, his eyes averting slowly to Hyunjin. When he looks at him, what’s expected of any refusal is not what he sees on the younger’s face, but that his expression softens, and he squeezes his hand.
“I hoped so.” Hyunjin mutters quietly, and then suddenly there’s a pink hue to his cheeks and now Hyunjin’s the one that looks away all shy. “I’m in love with you too.”
It rings in Chan’s ears, but he’s not even sure it makes sense. But he looks at Hyunjin and there’s a bit of laughter that bubbles from inside of him.
“Are you…are you sure? I mean…me?” Chan asks, unsure. But he relaxes once Hyunjin scoots over so that he’s right close to him, and then lays his head on his shoulder, wrapping his long arm around Chan’s waist.
“I don’t think I’ve been more sure of anything in my life. I, um…I waited for you. I didn’t know if you felt the same, but-”
Chan lets out a breath, his head resting against Hyunjin’s as he wraps an arm around his shoulder. He can feel the soft tickle of his hair against his cheek, and can smell that perfect scent that’s so perfectly Hyunjin it’s always made his heart soar.
They let the moment pass without saying much, and Chan takes the time to think truly about the boy in his arms. He can’t believe they’re here, right now, like this.
After a while, Chan takes a deep breath and then releases it slowly, eyes closing for a second.
“…I almost didn’t catch you,” he murmurs.
He can feel right there, Hyunjin stills slightly. And when Chan opens his eyes, Hyunjin tilts his head back and looks up at him.
“I am so, so grateful you did.” He says, the flicker in his eyes almost glistening before he smiles again, leaning even closer in Chan’s arms.
“And that you are right now.” Hyunjin mutters sleepily, as his own eyes close.
________
“Why do you want me to stay here, Chan?” Hyunjin cries into his arms. “I’m bringing the group down.”
Chan shakes his head. He can feel his own tears rising as he listens to the broken sobs of his groupmate. He’s never been like this before, he’s always been so strong, but Chan can recognize that even though it hurts, letting it all out is what’s needed.
“You’re not bringing us down.”
“You’re better off without me, I just…” Hyunjin clutches onto his shirt so tightly his nails dig through the fabric and onto Chan’s arm. He doesn’t care.
“Why?”
“I know, baby.”
“Why did this have to happen? Why can’t I just get it right? Why can’t I have my voice back?”
“You will. You’re going to get your voice back.”
“I’m so tired.”
“I know, Hyunie.”
He keeps crying, and Chan’s not even sure that he hears him above all the tears and shouts. But Chan is still here, and he’s still going to be there consoling him and holding on for as long as it takes. He’s not going to let him reach the door.
“I just can’t do it any longer!”
“You can. You’re going to get out of this better and stronger than ever. Because we need you. We can’t do this without you. I can’t do this without you. There’d be no Stray Kids without our Hyunjin. We love you. I love you.”
The sobs continue and Chan tightens his hold.
“You’re going to heal. You’re going to stay. We can’t let you go. You’re too important. Too valued. Too loved. I love you so much, Hwang Hyunjin, you hear me? I’m going to catch you and keep catching you for as long as it takes. Never letting go.”
________
That night they decide that Hyunjin stays over. Sure, Jeongin is going to have his questions in the morning, which would mean the rest of the members would have their questions too, but Chan doesn’t care. He’s in bed with someone who he never thought he would have, never thought the day would come when the smiles Hyunjin’s shared with so many would be special and pointed at him. He never thought the lips he often asked himself would be confirmed to be softer than his own presumptions. He never thought he could have him like this, but together they lie.
Hyunjin sleeps pretty fast. Well, they do steal a bit more kisses in bed, this time sleepy and with nowhere to go, but after that point, he stretches out his limbs and says goodnight, curling in on himself with his back facing the wall. Chan smiles and leans forward to only press a kiss to Hyunjin’s shoulder before turning back on the other side to give them both space if Hyunjin wants.
“Uh, what do you think you’re doing?” Hyunjin asks, not turning at all.
Chan pauses, raising an eyebrow.
“...going to sleep?”
Chan hears a small ‘hmmp’ from Hyunjin and although it’s cute, he wonders what’s up.
“What is it?”
“I want you to hold me.” It’s a soft request on Hyunjin’s end, and he knows that it takes a lot for him to bring it up, considering the fact that he’s not really big on skinship anyway. But, Chan loves it, and he smiles, turning back around before he wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, nuzzling his face against Hyunjin’s neck.
“You’re enjoying this.” Hyunjin says, flatlined.
“You’re the one that asked.” Chan points out with a grin, planting a kiss on the back of Hyunjin’s neck.
“Well…I like when you hold me.”
“Yeah?”
“Mhm. You don’t let go. Ever.”
Chan stills for a moment, the memory of the studio plain as day. He can’t even remember all of his promises but he knows at one specific point he said he wouldn’t let Hyunjin go. At that point, it was with his emotions and vocals, but the physical side of where they are now is a blessing he’s thankful for.
And catching Hyunjin like this, in every way? Chan will never let go.
_______