Work Text:
Sunny funny was hung over as shit. Last night, she got so crazy on that liquor and yart, she couldn't remember a thing! Hazily, she looked to her left. Parappa had a huge bloody dent in the back of his head along with several tiny glass shards and a broken beer bottle. What could have possibly happened?!
Sunny Funny tried to recall the events of last night, but it was all a blue. She rung up her home girl Um Jammer Lammy (full legal name) and said to her "yo i was fucked off the shit last night. do u knew what happened???? Type shit" Um Jammer Lammy (full legal name) thought for a moment. She even tapped her chin and had thoughts within. "Girl... Agartha." And then, she hung up mysteriously. The mysterious fucking detective looks at the camera and smirks.
Sunny Funny (full legal name) looks down at her phone, then Parappa's bloodied and bruised corpse. Rest in peace to my Parappa, he got hit by a beer bottle. Sunny Funny (full legal name) knew there was only one way to figure this out. She had to go to Ohio to see the wizard who knows everything that happens.
So, she began her journey to OHIO. First, she had to travel to Dubai to eat the Dubai chocolate 💀 Even though Dubai is actually farther from Sunny Funny than Ohio is, she knew... She Had To Do This. Sunny funny (full legal) eats a lil dubai chocolate. At the Dubai Place where you get the Dubai Chocolate, she notices a mysterious figure in the bushes.
Curiously, she approaches the rustling leaves... and inside it... inside dat bush... is none other than VINCE DESI, owner of Running With Scissors, and he's gooning to AI slop. He's a conservative! Sunny Funny (full) looks down at him with Red eyes. She Knows What She Has To Do.
As a little side quest, she runs to RWS headquarters to steal the Postal Dude homunculus. Not just one, but all of them. She has to save them all in order to take them to Ohio and see the great Ohio wizard. Even though Dubai is really far from Arizona, she's just really fast.
She breaks down the glass doors of RWS headquarters (probably) and yells "WHERE HE AT" The RWS employees shake with fear and pee a lil. 😭 "H-H-H-H-He's in there!" They point to a basement door shrouded in five Brazilian locks and wooden planks and a big warning sign that says "DO NOT ENTER BOI" (probably) Sunny Funny (ful) says "Tch. I don't have time for this." And she breaks through the door just by walking cause she's really strong.
Inside... she finds... ALL OF THEM! All the amoeba postal dude babie homunculuses. "It's ok. I sunny." She scoops them all up and uses her grappling hook (probably) to get them out of HQ. Postal 3 dude says "I'm fat" as Sunny Funny (FLN) flies through the air cause she's tuff and nonchalant like dat.
How far is Ohio from Arizona? Let me google that. It's 27 hours, but Sunny Funny (smirk I think you know) can do anything so she lowkirk does it in one second. Finally, it's time. She's going to meet the Ohio wizard and even brought a lil cluster of white boys. There he was... Sitting in his big fat Ohio chair, was NONE OTHER THAN... Mr. Grim Fandango (Full legal name) and he had his back turned too, but since he knows everything, he says "I've been expecting you Sunny Funny and Postal 1997 dude and Postal 2 Dude and Postal 3 Dude and Postal 4 dude and Zach Ward and shtopar and Postal Doe and"
Sunny funny (😄) cuts him off. "Yes. This is all of them. Ohio Wizard-" "that's GREAT ohio wizard to you missy sunny funny. Full legal name." Sunny Funny frowns. "Please, I need to know what happened last night when I got fucked off the shit and my boyfriend Parappa The Rapper (full llegal name) died. Type shit. Please Great Ohio Wizard I need this."
The grrrat Ohio Wizard (Aka Mr. Grim Fandango) strokes his beard in thought. And maybe his penis a lil too. "Hmm. I have to think abotu that." Mr. Grim Fandango thinks about it: "Ok. Here's what happened: Sunny Funny had an incredibly large amount of alcoholic beverages along with several types of hard drugs, commonly known as Yart, Green, Brown Sugar, Horse tranquilizers, all-purpose flour
sugar
unsweetened cocoa powder
baking powder
baking soda
salt
espresso powder – I give more information on the espresso powder below
milk – you can also use buttermilk, almond milk, oat milk, or coconut milk
oil – you can use vegetable, canola or melted coconut oil
eggs – when baking, I like to use room temperature eggs
vanilla extract
boiling tar—"
Sunny Funny was astounded by all the shit she got fucked off of. It sounded a lot like the cabinets in her kitchen along with eggs. The wizard thinks about a delicious chocolate cake. Sunny Funny (😁) waits for him to stop listing shit before he finally tells her what happened to Parappa.
"—And 5000 Kevlar Tampons. After getting so intoxicated, Sunny Funny proceeded to throw empty beer bottles at Parappa's head. Not because she wanted more beer, but because she was bored. She also flung shit at him and missed (due to her intoxicated aim) and it stained the walls and he screamed like a monkey. He screamed loud as fuckkkkk like he was being dipped in tar. (I did this to Glottis once.) After several hours of enduring cruel torment with beer bottles and shit from an unknown source, Parappa eventually died from AIDS."
Sunny Funny (...😉) took a moment to process what the Great Ohio Wizard had just told her. But then, she realized. "Wait, I thought you knew everything! Why is the source of the poop poo unknown? Don't you know it?" The Great Ohio Wizard tugged it to the left a lil in thought. By the way, he still hasn't turned back toward Sunny and the Dudes. "It's unknown. I'm not a doctor. It's shit from a butt."
The postal dude homunculuses started to wriggle around in Sunny Funny()'s arms because they were growing impatient. Then The Secret (the one with the penis tail) walked in and did a backflip. This was pretty impressive and it made Mr. Grim Fandango turn around in his chair, mid-jerk. "Wow. That was impressive." Sunny Funny ( ) looked around dejectedly. So Parappa died of AIDS.
She set the postal dudes on the ground and they made really loud squish sounds as they hit the floor. "I guess I need to go home and collect my will..." She walks away sadly and gets home really fast. Put her back in room temperature eggs, along with the espresso mix I said I'd elaborate on further. No plagiarism. I promis.