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Joohyun gulps, swallowing her own saliva. The fridge light illuminates her face, hand reaching out for the bloodbag in the far right corner.
A defeated sigh escapes from her mouth while she closes the door and walks back to her room, fingers curling around the squeezable bag. Feeding wasn't something she used to dread, it was something she used to look forward to after long schedules, the taste of metallic blood under her tongue used to give her so much rush — Now it just tastes rotten and bitter, like someone crushed tablets, mixed it in plain water and force fed it to her.
She stands in the middle of the room, her mouth pressed against the bag and then she begins to suck. One…Two…Three. This time she forced herself to tolerate that bitter taste that coats her entire tongue, that's the furthest she has gotten in two weeks. Twenty-seven…Twenty-eight…Twenty-nine. The bag falls to the floor and she is rushing to the bathroom.
Her eyes began to water as she crouches next to the toilet seat, letting out everything she drank, the back of her throat burns and her body hurts. She closes her eyes shut, trying to suppress the tears that were threatening to come out of her eyes.
In moments like this, her mind drifts back to when she tasted heaven on her tongue. She still remembers the warm finger pressed between her lips, the faint metallic tang lingering on her tongue. She didn't mean to do it, her instincts just forced her to rush to Seungwan who was clearly in pain from cutting her finger.
Bloodbags never tasted like that — They tasted like plastic, coppery water with a synthetic aftertaste of iron. She was content with those because that's what she always drank and they tasted fine to her.
Until she tasted real blood, blood that came from a beating heart. Seungwan's blood…God it was warm. It tasted rich and velvet thick, carrying the faint sweetness of the orange juice Seungwan had sipped earlier that day. Underneath the bright copper note there was something deeper, something sweet. It wasn't just about flavour, the way it felt on her tongue also felt different
The blood carried the rhythm of Seungwan’s heartbeat, the quick startled flutter when Joohyun’s lips had touched her, the tiny spike of adrenaline that made the blood spark against her tongue like champagne. It tasted like summer skin and the exact shade of happiness that lived behind Seungwan’s eyes.
Joohyun opens her eyes, trying to remove that memory from her system. Her fangs still ache because the taste of that sacred blood is still there. She sits on the bathroom floor for a while, it's starting to get colder with each passing day because there is no blood in her system to keep her warm. A part of her isn't sure if she is going to stay alive if things keep going on like this.
On her way back to her room, she walks past Seungwan's room. She can hear her steady heartbeat from here, it is a sign that the younger woman is already asleep. Joohyun presses her head against the wooden door, gathering all her restraint and she walks past it, back to her own room.
“Oh!” She accidentally stumbles and hits her back against the door when she sees Seulgi sitting in her bed, holding the half empty bloodbag in her hand. “Seulgi yah, you scared me.”
Seulgi gets up and hands her the bag, curious eyes looking into hers. “When was the last time you fed?”
She looks away. It was only a matter of time before others started to catch on. “I am fine.”
“No. You're not.” Seulgi pinches the skin of her cheek, eyes widening upon seeing no color. “I thought Seungwan was just being paranoid but it seems like she was right about something being wrong with you.”
“Wh—at? Seungwan…did she say something?”
“She told me that you look paler than usual and these days you get easily tired at practice,” Seulgi says. “I thought she was being paranoid but she also pointed out how the bloodbags from last month are still in the fridge when you usually get a new batch weekly.”
“Sixteen days.” Joohyun takes the bloodbag from her hand and throws it in the trash. “I haven't been feeding for sixteen days now. They taste wrong and no matter how much I force myself…I can't drink it.”
“Is there a problem with the supply? We can get you a good one if that is the issue.” The monolid girl reaches for her arm, giving it a quick squeeze to tell her that they'll figure it out.
“I already tried a different one and it made me throw up too.” Joohyun sighs, she cannot tell Seulgi that she accidentally drank Seungwan's blood. When the members discovered who she was, Seulgi had stepped up to protect them and her only condition was that Joohyun would never look at them with hunger in her eyes. If she told her that she tasted Seungwan's blood, who is the weakest out of all them, Seulgi will literally banish her from seeing the girls ever again. “I am working on finding a fix.”
“You should see someone before it gets bad.” Seulgi looks at her for a long moment. Joohyun is very good at being looked at and giving nothing back, keeping her urges at bay has made her good at being monotonous. “I can ask Jisoo to book you an appointment at the clinic.”
“I am visiting a clinic tomorrow after the practice,” she replies, “Don’t worry…I’ll update you.”
†
Joohyun is starting to lose her mind. Her entire body feels like it's floating and not in a good way, like she is just bones. The world constantly spins and she feels hypersensitive to the scents of her own members because they have blood running inside their veins at all times.
She did go to a clinic and they ran some tests but they couldn't figure anything out. It is not like she was completely honest during her checkup either, she didn't tell them that she tasted blood straight from a human. So they sent her back with some new bloodbags and asked her to come back next week so they can monitor her progress and make a diagnosis on the basis of that.
“—worried for her…we can't let her go on like this, Seulgi yah.” Seungwan's voice echoes in her ears, she is probably in her room with Seulgi, talking about her.
“I know.” Seulgi's voice is low. “She went to a doctor today but she hasn't told me anything about it.”
“Do…do you think she'll be fine?” Seungwan's voice is even lower this time, it feels as if Joohyun can hear the guilt in it. Maybe she knows this is happening because of what happened in the kitchen.
“I don't know,” Seulgi just sighs. “We can only hope.”
Both of them go silent. Joohyun can hear their heartbeats. The sound of Sooyoung snoring in her room. A car passing by on the road. She is very still on her bed, arms wrapped around her knees, eyes staring at the untouched bloodbag on her bedside table.
“Okay…” Seungwan breathes out and Joohyun isn't some psychic or anything like that but that ‘okay’ doesn't sound like she is taking whatever Seulgi is saying at face value. It sounds like she knows she plays a part in this and will do anything to fix it — Which is a problem for Joohyun.
She closes her eyes, letting the tiredness embrace her.
Her eyes open to the sound of her door opening. She wasn't sleeping, just lying in the dark with her eyes closed and her thoughts doing the circling thing they've been doing for god knows how long.
Joohyun knows that it's Seungwan because out of all the members she is the one who doesn't knock when she enters her room. It is not disrespect, she never considered it that. They had been roommates for a long time and nightmares were something they both dealt with. So one night after she found Seungwan sleeping on the living room sofa after a nightmare, she told her to not knock and just come in after finding that Seungwan contemplated coming in but she didn't want to disturb her.
Seungwan closes the door behind her. Joohyun can hear her standing there, can feel the particular way she occupies space — Seungwan takes up room differently than other people, all of herself present in a body that seems to believe it doesn't deserve to be there, which is something Joohyun has always found quietly endearing for some reason when in reality it is very depressing.
“I heard you and Seulgi,” Joohyun says.
“I know.” A pause. “I didn't try to hide it. I know you hear everything unnie.”
Joohyun sits up watching as Seungwan watches the untouched bloodbag on the bedside table. She doesn't reach to turn on the lamp because there is enough ambient glow through the curtains for them to see each other. For her there is only the shape of Seungwan, the specific silhouette of her in her sleep clothes with her hair half up, which is enough. It is more than enough.
She has been looking at the shape for years, she has memorized it to the point she remembers every inch of her skin even without coming close to touching it in a way she desires.
Seungwan crosses the room and sits on the edge of the bed. ”Why didn't you say anything,” she says. It sounds restrained, almost flat. She wants to say more, put more emotions into it. Joohyun knows it is something she has always struggled with so she never pushes further.
“It’s being managed.” Joohyun looks away and lies and hopes that it sticks, knowing that it won't. “I feel better.”
“No you don't!” Seungwan raises her voice, she looks hurt. “You look awful like you have been starving for weeks. You look pale, your eyes look lifeless…How can you say that?”
“Seungwan—”
“Look at me.”
So she does. Seungwan reaches out and takes her face in both hands. It is a gesture so direct that Joohyun goes still — Not startled, not resistant, just still, like for a moment her nonexistent heart actually begins to beat.
Seungwan's hands are warm against the permanent cold of Joohyun's skin. The younger one tips her face slightly toward what little light there is, studying her with a thoroughness that Joohyun would find invasive from anyone else.
“Your eyes…”
Joohyun stares right into Seungwan's eyes. “What about them?”
“They don't—” Seungwan shakes her head and looks away and then tries to look at them. “They shouldn't be like this…there is no light in them…unnie…they always light up when you look at me so why aren't they like that now?”
A shaky sigh is the only thing she can manage. What did Seungwan just say? That she knows that her eyes light up different when she looks at her, has she been this obvious all along.
Her gaze softens despite herself, just barely, almost imperceptible. “You’re imagining things.”
Seungwan doesn’t let go. “Don’t lie to me,” she says, quieter now, but somehow more forceful. Her thumbs press faintly against Joohyun’s cheeks, “Please tell me what's wrong with you.”
Joohyun swallows, she is too close and her blood—she can feel it and she can smell it. Her throat tightens, she is too hungry to control the urges that are rising to the surface. “Don’t—” Her voice comes out rough. “Don’t look at me like that.” Joohyun jerks her face out of her grip. “Stop trying to figure me out.”
“I am trying to figure you out!” Seungwan’s voice cracks now, the restraint finally splintering. “Because you won’t tell me anything! You’re shutting me out and you look like you’re dying and I am scared because I don't want anything bad to happen to you.”
“Go back to your room.”
“No.”
Seungwan doesn’t move from the edge of the bed. If anything, she leans in slightly, to show how stubborn she is. “I’m not leaving you like this.”
She can hear it again, loud, steady and alive. The rhythm inside Seungwan’s chest, the rush of blood through her veins. It’s overwhelming her. Her fangs poke her tongue, she presses her tongue hard again then, forcing them back. “Leave!”
“No.”
“Seungwan—”
“No!” This time it’s louder, desperate. “Not until you tell me—”
“Because I can’t control it!” The words rip out of her.
Joohyun’s chest rises and falls out of habit, even though she doesn’t need the air. She needs Seungwan and she can't have her. Her hands are trembling now, fists clenched so tight her nails dig into her palms.
Seungwan watches her, eyes searching, mind working. Joohyun can practically see the pieces falling into place, one by one. “Unnie…Is it because—you…that day in the kitchen…did you not spit out my blood?”
She shakes her head immediately. “It’s not—”
“You tasted it?” Seungwan’s voice trembles, just slightly. “You tasted my blood.”
Joohyun lets out a slow, unsteady breath. There’s no point in denying it now “…Yes.”
She doesn’t dare look at her. She keeps her gaze fixed somewhere ahead, unfocused, like if she just doesn’t see her, it’ll make this easier.
“...Right,” The younger one breathes, almost to herself. And then she scoots forward.
Joohyun’s entire body goes rigid. “What are you doing?”
“Is that why you haven’t been drinking the bloodbags?”
“They don't…they don't taste right anymore.”
Seungwan lets out a hollow laugh. “And you don’t think that’s important to tell anyone?” she whispers.
“Who would I tell?” Joohyun snaps, something sharp finally breaking through. “The doctors? ‘Oh, by the way, human blood tastes better now’? They will think of me as a blood thirsty monster who craves human blood.”
“Unnie…Are you sure you can survive the night?” The question is asked quietly.
“I don't know.” It is possibly the truest thing she has said in two weeks.
Seungwan exhales. Something complicated moves through her expression and settles into something quieter.
“Have me then…drink my blood.”
Her head jerks up, eyes widening. The understanding arrives slowly, the way unpleasant things sometimes do, the brain offers it and then takes it back and offers it again, giving you the chance to refuse it.
“No.”
Seungwan doesn’t back down. “If that’s what you need—”
“No.” Joohyun's answer remains the same but her voice does crack this time around.
“Why?” She asks, almost frustrated now. “You’re clearly suffering, unnie, if this fixes it then—”
“I won't do that,” Joohyun says, when she can make her voice do what she wants it to do again. “I won't risk it.”
“Why not?” The question is simple, it is just blood, so why is she so scared?
“Because—” she stops. She cannot tell Seungwan that she wants her alive for herself, that hearing her heartbeat keeps her sanity alive, that she is the single most precious thing in the entire world and if she does something to hurt her, she'll never be able to forgive herself for that. “Because I'm hungry. Do you understand what that means? I have been hungry for weeks. I don't know how much control I have right now. I don't know if I would be able to—”
“I trust you…” Seungwan whispers.
Joohyun stares at her like she’s lost her mind. “You shouldn’t.” She feels even more hypersensitive now because the offer is now on the table and she is having a hard time trying to deny herself of the heaven that awaits her so she hopes that Seungwan changes her mind before she loses her sanity.
“I do.”
“That isn't the point.”
“I am offering you, you are not forcing me.” She spells it out for her, that she isn't some damsel in distress who she is taking advantage of and she she is offering this with all her senses intact.
“Seungwan ah.” Her voice comes out broke, the restraint is slipping from her fingers with each passing moment and it is getting harder to control herself. “I could hurt you.”
“You won't.”
“You don't know that.”
“I know.” Seungwan meets her gaze. “I'm telling you I trust you to take care of me.” She says it's like it's the easiest thing in the world to do so. Does she know that Joohyun kills herself everyday to prevent her from doing exactly that? Joohyun looks at her and thinks about all the years she has been looking at this face, all the times she has wanted to take care of her but she can't because it will reveal too much.
Something shifts. Joohyun is aware of it and she is also aware of the hunger, which has been a constant undercurrent that has sharpened by proximity and the warmth radiating off Seungwan's skin and the pulse that she can hear because she is very hungry and sound has become very specific.
She is aware of all of this and she sits with it and she understands what she is about to do and what it could cost. “If it's too much,” she says, “If you feel anything — anything wrong—”
Seungwan smiles at her, looking at her with those assuring eyes. “I’ll tell you.”
“Tap my back three times and I’ll stop.”
“Okay.”
†
“Are you fucking insane?” Seulgi shouts at her, trying her best to keep her voice at bay to not wake up the younger ones. “You could've killed her!”
Joohyun blinks her teary eyes, looking at Seungwan who is now laying on Seulgi's bed, alive but weak. “I-I didn't mean…Fuck…If I knew I would—”
Seulgi sighs, she runs her hand over Seungwan's forehead to make sure that the warmth has returned. “You should be thankful that you didn't suck her dry or worse turned her into one.”
Joohyun looks down, the shame and the guilt just make her eyes feel heavy to the point that she can't even look at Seungwan without feeling awful “...She offered and she trusted me and…I couldn't…I…I promised that I wouldn't…hurt her…”
The monolid girl lets out another sigh and rubs her arm. “You didn't hurt her…she just lost a huge amount of blood in a short time and it just made her unconscious.”
“No!” She looks up with tears streaming down her face. ”I should've stopped…Why couldn't I? People are right then…I am a monster if I can't even bother to stop when—when she is the most important person to me in this entire world!”
Seulgi’s expression softens instantly. “Don’t—” she cuts in, sharp and low. “Don’t call yourself that.”
She laughs weakly, shaking her head, shoulders trembling. “Why not? Isn’t it true? What kind of person—what kind of thing does that?” Her voice breaks. “She was right there, Seulgi. She trusted me and I—”
“You stopped.”
“I didn’t stop soon enough!”
“But you did stop,” Seulgi insists, firmer this time, putting her anger aside to defuse this time bomb of self hatred before it consumes Joohyun. “If you were a monster you would've kept drinking until she had nothing left.”
Joohyun blinks, her hand slowly reaching out for Seungwan's. Her body relaxes when she feels the warmth radiate from her skin. “I want to stay with her…you can watch…I won't—”
“—I'm glad it helped,” Seulgi cuts her off. “And I trust you to know you won't do anything dangerous. I feel somewhat glad that you feel better…but…”
“But?”
“But you took too much.”
Joohyun looks at Seungwan's face, slack and pale against the pillow. “I know,” she says as she feels the entire thing flash before her eyes yet again.
She watches as Seulgi gets in the bed with Seungwan while leaving her the other bed empty. Joohyun defeatedly walks over and sits, head still hung low, eyes fixed on Seungwan's limp hand.
Joohyun reaches out and grabs Seungwan by her arm, drawing the younger woman to her. She lifts her easily despite being physically weak due to the lack of feeding and settles her into her lap, spreading her thighs just enough so she is comfortable.
Seungwan feels so warm and she smells so good, her pulse is inviting her to just draw blood from her veins. Joohyun’s arms circle her waist, palms sliding up the curve of her back, pressing her closer until their chests brush with every breath.
“It’s going to hurt a little,” Joohyun murmurs against the shell of her ear, lips grazing the sensitive skin there.
“H-how much?” Seungwan asks, meeting her eyes.
She presses the tip of her fang against her skin and pokes it a little which makes Seungwan hiss. “Just this much.”
The girl in her lap nods. “Okay,” Seungwan answers. She tilts her head to the side, offering her throat without hesitation, one hand coming up to rest lightly on Joohyun’s arm to anchor herself.
“Ready?”
“...Ready.”
Joohyun finds the place — just below the curve of her neck and shoulder, where the pulse is strong and the skin is thin, where the vein runs close to the surface — and she does not let herself hesitate because making Seungwan wait while she is offering her something irreplaceable will be rude.
She presses an open mouthed kiss against the skin, letting her tongue trace the vein, tasting salt and warmth, feeling Seungwan shiver in her lap at the wet heat of it. Only then do her fangs extend, smooth and inevitable.
Her fangs extend, a sensation she has lived with for so long it registers as natural as breathing. She brings them down and slowly impales through Seungwan's skin, careful to not cause too much pain.
Seungwan lets out a breathy gasp, it almost sounds like a moan and her body jerks when her fangs fully pierce through her skin, settling deeper into Joohyun’s hold, hips shifting unconsciously against her thigh. The sound she makes is small and helpless and so fucking sweet that Joohyun’s grip tightens, fingers digging into the soft give of Seungwan’s waist.
The difference is immediate and total. When the blood coats her tongue, it's like pure ecstasy.
It doesn't taste bitter, not like medicine. Gulping it doesn't make her want to throw up and stop drinking, it makes her want to do the opposite. Joohyun doesn't have adequate language for this, she stopped trying to find adequate language for the experience of feeding long ago, it belongs to a category of sensation that has no equivalent in the territory of human description.
Truth to be told, even in her own language she isn't sure if she has anything to describe the sensations her body is going through while drinking human blood and not some ordinary human blood, it is Seungwan's blood. It hits her system like a drug, spreading heat through every starved vein, soothing the long ache she has been tolerating for weeks until Joohyun groans low against her skin, the sound vibrating into Seungwan’s throat.
She drinks deeper, slower, savoring every swallow, every tiny helpless sound Seungwan makes as her body responds. Joohyun is careful, at least she is trying to be careful, trying to keep a track of how much she is taking from Seungwan. But a part of her she can't control is the dual consciousness that takes over her when she feeds, a part of her that represents the animal inside her, an animal who is always hungry and looking to hunt. She had done a good job keep her second consciousness at bay or else she wouldn't be here.
Seungwan’s breathing has changed—shallower, faster, laced with soft, broken whimpers that go straight between Joohyun’s legs. Her hand slides up into Joohyun’s hair, not pushing, just holding, fingers tightening every time Joohyun sucks harder.
The difficulty is that the hunger is very old tonight, and very deep, and Seungwan tastes like everything she has been dying for. A part of her knows that with each gulp she is letting go of her rational consciousness but it feels so good to pull back. The part of her that is still Bae Joohyun watches from a distance, but the part that is only hunger wants to take and take and take until there is nothing left but this perfect, pulsing warmth in her arms.
Seungwan breathes against her neck. “Unnie…it feels weird.” She taps against her back, once, twice and then thrice.
Joohyun doesn’t stop. She is aware that she is letting the control slip and knows that needs to stop so she tries to bring herself back to consciousness that knows when to stop. Even then she doesn't stop and keeps drinking.
She can feel the way Seungwan’s body is growing heavier, how her breathing has slowed, how her fingers have loosened in Joohyun’s hair. The pulse beneath her lips is still there but slower now, like Seungwan is drifting somewhere far away while her blood keeps pouring into Joohyun’s mouth.
“Joo…hyun unnie…please stop.” Seungwan lightly taps her back three times again, they are feather like touches, barely noticable. “Feels…not…good.”
Her weight changes in Joohyun's arm, it settles heavily in her lap. Her hand falls limp and Seungwan's face falls still on her shoulder.
Joohyun pulls back with a wet sound, fangs retracting, lips stained dark. It is not a graceful separation. She is aware of this the way she is aware of the state of the sheets, the state of the room, the state of her own hands which are shaking slightly.
She pulls back and she looks at the person in her arms and Seungwan is limp, head fallen slightly to one side, the color gone from her face in a way that makes her look like something Joohyun does not want to think about her looking like.
“Seungwan…” She taps her head lightly, trying to wake her up, while trying to tell herself that she is fine and she didn't cause this.
Seungwan’s face is pale, lips slightly parted, lashes dark against colorless cheeks. The bite mark on her neck is small but vivid—two perfect punctures already blooming into a bruise, a thin trail of blood slipping down toward her collarbone. Joohyun stares at it, at what she’s done, while her shaking hands keep holding Seungwan.
“Seung—wan.” Her voice cracks as she cradles the limp body of Seungwan in her arms. “Unnie…didn't mean to…please wake up…”
Joohyun realises that panic is settling in, the way she violently shakes Seungwan trying to wake her up that even startles herself. She is saying Seungwan's name in broken whispers repeatedly, like a prayer, just anything to bring her back.
“Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.” Her voice gets louder with each word that escapes from her mouth. Desperation begins to take over her. Her eyes sting for some reason. A gasp escapes from her mouth as if she can't breathe properly upon seeing this state of Seungwan.
“Seungwan!”
The sound that tears out of Joohyun’s throat is raw and broken. Nothing like the composed woman she pretends to be. It’s desperate and terrified and far too loud in the quiet room.
Seulgi arrives like a storm with the way she bursts through the door. Her eyes widen upon witnessing the scene in front of her. Joohyun on the bed, tears streaming down her eyes, blood still on her lips and then her eyes drift to Seungwan, motionless in the leader’s arms, a stream of blood traveling down from her neck to her collarbone.
“What did you do!” She asks approaching then, all her attention immediately goes to Seungwan as she pulls her away from Joohyun's embrace. “What did you do to her?”
“She…I…She won't wake up…I told her not to offer…I fed and now she—” Joohyun doesn't know what she is saying, all she knows is that something happened to Seungwan and she is the reason for that.
“You better pray that she is alive unnie.” Seulgi glares at her, and for a split second, hatred flashes across her eyes before she looks away and focuses on Seungwan.
She watches as Seulgi tilts Seungwan's neck to check her pulse, which she didn't even bother to check while she was panicking. Her eyes follow Seulgi's thumb as the girl caresses the wound on Seungwan's neck and then she mutters something but Joohyun is too distracted to make sense of it.
Seungwan stirs faintly and Seulgi pulls her into her embrace. “Stay with me…” Joohyun has to look away for a moment because something about this closeness makes it ache.
”She is alive,” Seulgi says, hands brushing hair away from Seungwan's forehead.
Joohyun looks at them, her throat feels tight. “She is going to be fine?”
Because the difference is…obvious.
Seulgi holds Seungwan like she’s trying to keep her safe.
Joohyun had held her like—
Despite her best efforts to fall asleep, Joohyun stays awake the entire night.
She thinks Seulgi is cruel. The monolid girl made her sleep in Seungwan's bed which feels like her and smells like her while she gets to be in the same bed as Seungwan, taking in her warmth and holding her.
Her hunger is not there anymore, she is pretty sure she has taken enough blood from Seungwan to not feel the need to feed for an entire week. The ache is however still there and instead of subsiding it has only gotten more intense.
The hunger is something she thought of as a price to pay in return for these abilities that came with being this creature. It is nothing more than a biological drive that she has to manage
However the ache in her heart right now is not caused by hunger. It is something she refuses to be more specific about because if she starts to think about it, it'll become a confession and Joohyun isn't ready to make her peace with that.
Her eyes subconsciously drift to the other bed. Seungwan's head is tucked below Seulgi's chin and Seulgi's arms are wrapped around her. Her pulse is much louder than what it was an hour ago, which means Seulgi was right about Seungwan being fine. Joohyun doesn't know how Seulgi does it — caring for Seungwan so much without it becoming something else.
Joohyun closes her eyes, breathes in and breathes out. It all makes sense to her. The hunger and the ache are not the same. In a way that the hunger can be managed, you never let it grow and you can subside it simply by feeding. But the ache keeps growing and the more you feed it the more it spreads and takes over you.
What she feels for Seungwan is the ache.
†