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It wasn’t like they were actually brothers, so why did it hurt so much Hal wondered as he looked at the small, tattered ocelot plush. Adam had felt responsible for him, had shown up when he could for Hal. It wasn’t often and it wasn’t enough to protect Hal from everything, but it made a difference. Or at least that’s what Hal liked to believe.
His thumb pet over the head of the torn plush, a sad smile on his lips. When he packed his measly life up to follow David around, he’d stuffed the little thing in the bottom of his bag. Not quite able to parse the guilt over his connection to Adam, not after what Ocelot had done to David, and yet he was unable to leave it behind. It was all he had left of his big brother, even if he would see Ocelot again, he doubted he’d ever see Adam. Hal sighed as he carefully picked up the paw that was hanging on by threads at this point. He rarely took the plush out, he didn’t want David to see it. To be reminded of what Ocelot had done to him. When he did pull it from the depths of his bag it was always brief, when he felt lonely or overwhelmed. When he wondered if his dad hadn’t been right about him. When David wasn’t there to ground him with his comforting presence. Then he’d stuff it away again once the guilt got too great. Maybe that was why it was so tattered, or maybe it was just being stuffed in a bag with miscellaneous tech accessories for years now.
Hal bit his lip as he felt tears welling up in his eyes. He shouldn’t cry, not over a plush, not over Adam. He couldn’t help it. Tears spilled over before he could even try and scrub them away. Not if he didn’t want to risk damaging the small ocelot plush more. He held the plush further away from his body, cradled in his palms, to avoid tears falling on it and doing more damage.
He wanted his brother. He wanted Adam to wrap an arm around him and tell him everything would be okay. Hal’s breath hitched, then caught.
He wanted to watch anime with Adam. To watch the western themed ones, he’d found since Shadow Moses yet hadn’t been able to stomach watching. His breath unstuck slowly and came out in a shudder that shook his body.
He wanted….
His breath caught violently.
He missed…
It came out with a small cry.
He pressed the plush to his heaving chest.
The door creaked open. Hal froze, watery eyes wide.
“Hal?” Dave’s voice was soft. Hal jolted. Hid the plush behind his back like a guilty child.
“Yes Dave?” He forced out as he tried to bite down his gaspy breaths. His body trembled as he looked up at David. It was foolish to pretend he wasn’t having a breakdown and yet Hal would try anyway. David’s lips twitched downward in a frown. Hal curled in on himself.
“What’s wrong?” His voice was still soft and that only made the guilt spread through Hal’s chest.
“Oh nothing.” Hal laughed weakly then shook his head to hide a gasp for air. “Just had… something in my eye.” He reluctantly let go of the plush with one hand to scrub at his eyes, knocking his glasses out the way with the back of his hand. The pain was grounding; it eased the weight in his chest that was compressing his lungs. “See, I’m good now.” David frowned more. Hal pressed his knuckles harder into his eye.
“Hal. Stop that.” David’s voice reached him a split second before the man himself him. For a second the grasp on Hal’s wrist was tight, almost painfully so, before it eased. “Please, stop.” The sheer desperation in his voice broke Hal, this was all his fault. He let David lower his hand.
“’m sorry…” Hal muttered as he looked at his lap, he couldn’t bear to see the concern on David’s face. Not when he put it there.
“Don’t be sorry. Talk to me.” David knelt before Hal, drawing the hand in his grasp close. Hal wanted to shake his head. To pull away and hide. Dave could stop him, but he wouldn’t. He’d never hurt him. Dave really deserved better Hal thought with a watery smile as he pulled the plush out from behind his back.
Hal held the plush ocelot out before him for David to see. David would surely get mad. Leave for a run. Maybe never come back. It’s what Hal deserved after all. Everyone left him in the end. He deserv-
David carefully trailed his fingers down the plushies side. Hal’s breath caught as he watched. As David’s calloused fingertips skimmed over worn fur. He stopped when he reached where the left paw should be.
Hal let out a soft cry as he realised the paw had fallen off from his rough handling. He’d broken the plush. He’d broken the last thing he had from his brother. His chest clenched and his lungs ached.
“Breathe with me.” David ordered softly as he pressed Hal’s hand to his chest and exaggerated his own breaths to that of a normal person. “That’s it, Hal. In and out.” Hal whimpered softly at the praise. He didn’t deserve it and yet he craved more. So, he kept breathing, in as his hand raised then out as it fell. David’s other hand was wrapped loosely around the little ocelot’s back. Like he was protecting it. Like it was worth protecting. Hal sobbed softly at the sight.
“I shouldn’t… I should have got rid of… I’m sorry…” Hal mumbled, his disjointed and fragmented words catching each time he took a breath. David’s lip twitched downward again. Hal wanted to look away.
“Don’t be sorry.” David asked, his thumb rubbing circles against the back of Hal’s hand. Hal shook his head again. “Your brother gave that to you, right?” Hal’s head snapped forward, his eyes wide at those words.
“How… How do you know?” He asked quietly. He had never told David about his relationship with Adam. He’d never even mentioned having an older sibling. How could he? Just up and say, ‘Hey the guy who tortured you is my big brother, hope that’s okay!’
“I was nearby when he brought you food one time… on Shadow Moses.” David explained, his eyes flickering down for a few seconds, as if he was ashamed. “I listened in.” He added quietly as he lifted his eyes again. Guilt in the shadows of his eyes.
He knew. He already knew. He’d always know. Hal couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up at that knowledge. David’s face creased in concern. “God when will I learn?” Hal gasped out, somewhat hysterically. “I can’t hide anything from you, can I?” David frowned, guilt entering his eyes now. Hal quickly shook his head before leaning forward. “It’s not a bad thing; I’m not mad you eavesdropped. It’s funny. God, I spent all this time worried you’d hate me if you knew and you already did.” Hal laughed more, tears spilling down his cheeks freely.
David tipped his head to the side slightly as he studied Hal before leaning forward. While being mindful of the tattered plush cupped in their hands he leant his forehead against Hal’s. “I could never hate you, Hal.” Dave’s voice was stern but soft, that strange mix only he could manage.
“You should…” Hal whimpered out as his laughter petered out.
“Never.” Dave growled before he tipped his head to press a soft kiss to Hal’s lips. Hal gasped softly at the tender brush against his lips. David pulled back to press their foreheads together again. “Never.” He repeated, this time softer. A promise, one Hal wasn’t quite ready to believe but he sure wanted to and for now, that was enough.
“I love you, Dave.” Hal whispered, the ‘thank you’ and ‘I could never hate you either’ was let unsaid yet were easily conveyed by those three small words.
“I love you too, Hal.” David smiled as he nuzzled their foreheads together.
Hal wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that. Long enough for Hal’s breathing to return to normal, for him to feel a little silly over having a panic attack over a plushie. He knew David would stay there, on his knees as long as he needed. He would have felt guilty had David not looked so content. Dave really was too good for him. Slowly, Hal pulled back, David mirroring the movement. Before Hal had to try and figure out what to say, David spoke again. “Do you have the missing paw?” He asked, his entirely too soft eyes dropping to the plush in their cupped hands. Hal bit his lip as he looked at it too before he nodded. “Can I fix it?” He asked as he looked back to Hal’s face, he looked far too soft, far too gentle. It made something in Hal’s chest ache in a way he didn’t really know what to do with. He knew Dave could be soft, but this was different. Less lovers soft and more… Hal nodded to stop himself thinking too much about that. “I’ll be right back.”
David brushed a kiss to Hal’s cheek as he got up before slipping from the room as quick as he’d appeared. Hal cradled the plush to his chest as he spun, picking up the missing paw before he crawled up the bed to settle against the headboard. His back had started to ache. When David came back, he was carrying then med kit. Hal quirked an eyebrow at him, David simply shrugged. “It’s the only needle and thread we have right now.” He said with a quirk of his lips. Hal knew they had other stuff; he’d repaired David’s sneaking suit enough times to know that. He didn’t call him out on it as David sat down on the bed beside him. “Tell me about him.” David said quietly as he opened the med kit.
Hal looked down at his lap, at the plush ocelot held carefully in his hands. He didn’t want to upset David, didn’t want to remind him of his torture. He bit on his lip. “I get it, you know?” David said quietly as he threaded the needle before resting it on his thigh. “I always wonder… what if I had grown up with Eli, would things have ended differently?” Hal’s head shot to David at that admission, his eyes wide. “What if I’d known Big Boss was my father the whole time…” David slowly turned his head to look at Hal, a sad smile on his lips. “Family is complicated, I get it” he held his hand out for the plush, not pushing, just offering. Like he was offering understanding.
Slowly Hal placed the damaged ocelot, and it’s severed paw in David’s hand. He then clasped his own together and tucked them between his crossed leg. “He wasn’t really my brother. Not like you and Eli…” Hal started as David turned his attention to the plush in his hands. He carefully pushed the needle through the fur fabric in an anchoring stitch. “He felt like he owed me, I think. His mum loved mine and with what my dad did…” Hal bit his lip to tamp down those thoughts; David leant towards him as he pushed the needle through the paw. Hal leant in as well, so their shoulders were pressed together. “He would come around at least once a year and just take me away from it all. Take me on little adventures.” Hal smiled as David pulled the thread through to pull the severed paw towards the limb. “Sometimes it was just holing up in whatever apartment he’d rented that time and marathoning anime, sometimes he’d take me places. He took me to a zoo one year.”
“That’s when he got you this?” David asked softly, Hal nodded as he leant his head on David’s shoulder.
“He told me all about the animals and animal conservation. He had a real passion for animals he rarely got to show.” He laughed softly as he remembered Adam gushing over the Ocelots at the zoo, telling Hal all about them. “It didn’t really matter what we did or where we went. It was just nice to be with him. To be… a normal kid for once, you know?”
“Mhmm, I get that.” David hummed softly as he tied off the thread, already done sewing the paw back on. “I used to sneak out of the base with some of the other boys.” Hal gasped softly at that knowledge, a smile on his lips.
“You were a regular bad boy, weren’t you?” He teased softly, earning him a chuckle from David who kissed his temple before he started sewing the tear across the plushies side.
“What’s his name?” David asked quietly, “His real name.” Hal peered up at David, he knew he wasn’t fishing for information. He just wanted to know his name.
“Adamska Voyevoda, but he was always just Adam to me.” David snorted softly as he kept sewing, Hal raised an eyebrow at him. “What?”
“Adam and John, David and Eli… very biblical.” He mused before shaking his head. “Not as good as Hal and Dave thought.” He added as he tied off the last knot in the thread before glancing down to Hal with a smile. He leant down to press a kiss to Hal’s temple before whispering “There you go, all done.” As he placed the repaired plush on Hal’s lap.
Hal turned his head to look at the plush without lifting his head from Dave’s shoulder. Carefully he picked up the ocelot, his fingers trailing over the neat stitches that now held it together. “Thank you Dave…” he whispered as he hugged it to his chest, his face turning to press into Dave’s shoulder. David just hummed softly as he leant his head atop Hal’s.