Chapter Text
It had been an hour. That’s a long time to sit still. Jay noted his stiff legs, still bent underneath him as he sat on top of them, perched on the ground in front of the couch with an uneaten bowl of cereal in front of him. He tapped his fingers on his knees as he glanced absentmindedly around his living room, at the stolen posters on the walls, at the TV in front of him still paused on the opening credits of The Princess Bride. It had been so long that the TV had booted itself back to cable twice now from being paused longer than the intervals that their combination DVD/VHS player checked for a signal, and each time Jay had taken the remote and switched it back to VHS, watching the thin lines of the paused tape wiggle and distort as the frozen visage of a young Fred Savage looked sickly up at the camera. Jay rolled his shoulders to dispel a slowly creeping ache from the stillness, and yet he remained immobile. He looked back at his cereal bowl, the condensation from the cold milk long having left the outside of the bowl and had now formed a wet ring on the rug beneath it. And beside his bowl, a matching bowl (matching in the sense that it also held cereal, in reality the two bowls looked nothing alike and were not remotely part of the same set) with far more cereal and far less milk. Also uneaten. A glance at the clock. 11:48. Soon it wouldn’t even be breakfast time at all. Jay huffed out a little breath impatiently, as he wiggled his toes to prevent them from falling asleep yet again.
Then, a thud from upstairs, and the rattling of cheap windows as a heavy figure audibly made its way through unrestrained footfalls up the hallway and then down the stairs, descending at last into the living room. The bleary face of Matt, hair completely messed up and bedheaded, rubbing his eyes and yawning, clad in just the bottoms of the same pajamas he was wearing an hour ago.
“Bird?”
“Hey Matt.”
Matt took in the scene, the rigid Jay and the bowls of cereal in front of him. The molded creases in Jay’s pants from staying crinkled too long.
“Uh, whatcha- whatcha doin there, Bird?” Matt asked, blinking his eyes open wider as if chasing the sleep from them.
“Well, uh… well, you remember we were going to eat breakfast.” Jay began, as if leading a horse to water.
Matt nodded. “Right, and I was like ‘What’s that uh, that shitty movie with Fred Savage?’ And you were like ‘Little Monsters?’ And I was like ‘No, the other one’ and you were like ‘Goldmember?’ And I was like ‘No, the other one, the bad one’ and you were like ‘Oh, Mooseport?’ And I was like ‘No, the-’”
“Yes, I remember it, it was an hour ago.” Jay interrupted. “The movie you were thinking of was the sequel to that Eddie Murphy movie about being a dad, which Fred Savage wasn’t even in by the way, he just directed it, then you started talking about child actors, and then you talked about Shia LaBoef in Holes-”
“RIGHT!” Matt said, falling onto the couch above Jay, kicking his feet lightly into Jay’s shoulder. “I was saying it’s crazy that they just let him become Shia LaBoef and look completely different after they establish him with that hair-”
Jay could smell the sweat from Matt’s socks as he leaned away from them, finally breaking his position to turn and look at his friend. “And I said they didn’t mean to, he just got older and started to look like that. And if you wanted to talk about when child actors look weird as adults you could have just stayed on Fred Savage because-”
“Because he was the sick kid playing Hardball on the Commodore at the beginning of The Princess Bride! Right!” Matt said, stretching his legs even further to still reach Jay with his toes.
“No, I said because he was a huge child actor for most of his acting career! YOU brought up The Princess Bride because you kept doing your Andre the Giant impression.” Jay said, swatting at Matt’s feet as Matt dodged haphazardly, almost kicking a lamp off the end table.
Matt smiled, reminded of his excellent Andre the Giant impression. “Anybody want a peanut?” He said, deepening his voice.
Jay swiveled his entire body to face Matt, still on his knees. “And I said that impression was terrible and you said let’s just watch the movie to see how “terrible” it really is. You did the full air quotes around terrible and everything, like this-” Jay said, making said air quotes.
Matt nodded, looking finally down at the cereal bowls. “Uh huh, and we were eating breakfast and watching the movie and then-”
“And then YOU said, and I quote: ‘Wait right there, I gotta go find my Inigo Montoya shirt, don’t move.’” Jay said, definitively, as if this was some mic drop moment. Whatever he was getting at, Matt didn’t seem to pick up on.
Matt cracked a small smile “That shirt’s so funny. It’s got that same drawstring on the V neck that he wears in that film- but he’s also wearing a vest, right? Or is that part of his shirt? Like a different coloured uh, uh, panel? Hold on lemme see-” Matt grabbed at the remote next to Jay, presumably to fast forward to a scene where he could study the shirt Mandy Patinkin was in. Jay, however, grabbed it first, holding it away from him.
“And then you were gone for an hour! An hour and four minutes! And you’re not even wearing the shirt!” Jay pouted, cutting his eyes at Matt’s exposed torso.
Matt giggled sheepishly, smiling a tiny smile “Oh, yeah, sorry Bird. As soon as I took my shirt off I totally forgot what I was doing and I got back into bed. I’ve just been sleeping up there!” he broke out into a full laugh before noticing Jay was not doing the same. In fact, Jay’s eyes looked a little glisteny.
“You said don’t move.”
“Well, I- ! I mean, yeah I guess I did but- I mean you, you didn’t think to come find me? You didn’t think I might be dead and- and, and choking and dead? I mean, fuck, or at least get bored sitting here all, all alone by yourself? Bird?” Matt said, furrowing his brow at his bandmate. Jay only fidgeted with his fingers and looked away, a redness rising to his face. A slow realization dawned on Matt.
“Did you really sit down here for an hour just because I told you to?” Matt asked, incredulously.
Jay’s eyes widened and then closed quickly as the embarrassment showed clearly on his face. “I didn’t- ! I thought- I don’t know! I don’t know! You just- you said to wait! You said THE words “don’t move” and I mean- yeah I thought it was taking you a while but what if I had gone up there and you were like hey I said don’t move! Then what!”
There was a moment of softness in Matt’s eyes as he took in Jay’s unadulterated embarrassment of being caught in a misunderstanding, but this was quickly replaced with a mischievousness and a wry smile. He lurched forward, grabbing at Jay’s shoulders to shake him out of his position, disrupting the stance he had so carefully maintained. He pulled Jay off his knees and towards the couch, his shoulders barely cresting the cushions. Jay made a frustrated sound and tried to push Matt’s huge arms away, but this only made Matt put him in a headlock, his nose almost brushing up against Jay’s messy hair, the smell of the curl conditioner still emanating from him. Jay struggled against the headlock, pushing upwards against Matt’s forearms.
“You’re so lame, Bird!” Matt crowed as Jay struggled. “Oh my god, that’s so embarrassing! What are you some kind of- some kind of dog or something? And on your knees too- Jesus Christ man that’s rough! What did you- did like twenty minutes pass and you thought any minute now!” He’ll be right back if I sit all still and good!”
Jay thrashed against Matt eventually loosing the headlock, kicking over both bowls of cereal in the process. “Shut up! It’s not funny, Matt!”
“IT’S SO FUNNY! HELLO? I mean I knew you were fond of me but this is next level, man! What if I had just stayed sleeping? You’d still be fuckin sitting there! Sitting all nice, waiting like a do- like a good dog! You want a treat? You want a treat boy? Good boy want a treat?” Matt continued, recapturing Jay just as quickly as he had escaped the headlock. He pulled Jay back towards him by the cheeks and squished his face, moving one hand to roughly pet his hair like a dog. Jay took this moment to bite into the hand that was still cupping one side of his face, sinking a canine into the thumb meat of Matt’s hand.
Matt yelled and immediately took his hand away, recoiling as he checked for broken skin. “OW Jay! What the fuck!” he said, immediately turning his mouth on nursing his wound. “I’m fucking bleeding!” He wasn’t.
Jay stood up and backed away from Matt, milk from the rug seeping into his socks. “Stop making fun of me! It was just a mistake!”
Matt removed his hand from his mouth, his dire wound quickly forgotten. “A hilarious mistake! Why are you getting so worked up over this man? What’s getting to you? I bet you’re just embarrassed because you like it. I bet you liked sitting there thinking you were doing such a good job! ‘Oh man, Matt’s gonna see what a good boy I am and he’s gonna take me for a walk and get me one of those whipped cream cups-’”
“It’s not even that even a little bit!” Jay yelled, too flustered to register that he’d said even twice. The heat in his face had migrated out to his whole body. “Stop calling me that!”
“What, good boy? But Bird, you were! You were such a good dog!” Matt said, gleefully. “You did such a good job waiting for me, what a good boy! You’re such a good boy, Bird! You’re gonna see doggie heaven, that’s for sure.”
Jay just stood, unspeaking, and for a few tense moments he and Matt just stared at each other in complete silence, Matt seemingly out of jabs or at least thinking of more. And sure enough, after just enough time passed for it to be awkward, Matt spoke again.
“What’s goin on, Bird? What, are you pitching a tent?”
Jay’s shoulders stiffened and he crossed his legs. “No.”
“Then why are you crossing your legs Birdie?” Matt said, standing up. “I bet you’re pitching a fuckin tent over there.”
“Stop it! You’re being weird! I’m not pitching anything!”
“YOU TOTALLY ARE, LET ME SEE!” Matt began bounding over towards Jay, swiftly closing the distance.
“NO! Gross, Matt! What’s gotten into you?” Jay careened backwards, falling against the wall, Matt quickly pressing him against it, both his legs on either side of one of Jay’s. Before either could register what was happening, Matt had the back of his hand pressed against Jay’s crotch. Jay found it within himself to wonder why Matt had bothered to reach with the back of his hand, as if that would counteract how weird the whole thing was. Matt’s smile grew wider.
“Fuckin knew it. Tent pitched. Tent absolutely pitched, dude!” Matt said, his laugh tapering off as he left his hand where it was for just a beat too long. Just long enough for the two of them to look down at where they were connected, and realize how hard they were both breathing.
Almost as if to himself, Matt quietly mused. “So pathetic.”
At the words, a jolt went through Jay’s body, and that jolt was made physical as both he and Matt clearly felt his dick twitch and jump. At this, both men rocketed their gaze towards each other’s faces, finally making eye contact, both wide eyed as if confirming that they both noticed what just happened. As if on cue and almost fast enough to miss, Jay felt something beneath Matt’s pajama pants begin to present resistance against his thigh, before Matt completely backed off, almost jumping away to put space in between the two of them.
“Woahhh…” Matt said, as if that would take back the past few minutes. “Sorry Bird, that was- that wasn’t funny I shouldn’t have uh- I was acting crazy I shouldn’t have made fun of you so bad. Sorry I kept you waiting. Let’s- let’s uh… uhh…”
They both just stood, Matt unable to come up with a viable next step for them to take. Which meant it fell to Jay.
“Let’s eat breakfast and watch the movie.” Jay said, slowly and carefully. Matt exhaled grandly, and nodded.
“Let’s eat breakfast and watch the movie.” Matt repeated.
The two men grabbed their spilled bowls from the rug, scooping up the mushy cereal embedded with carpet fibres, and dumping it down the garburator in the sink. As they fixed new bowls of cereal, the strangeness and intensity of the previous moment slowly faded as the morning finally crept into the afternoon. As the two sat back down on the couch, Jay once more requeued the VCR playback, and they finally began watching the movie. They only made it until Buttercup’s capture before Jay spoke once more.
“We can’t leave milk in the rug.”
Matt nodded, chewing cereal. “What do we- do we clean it? Or do we throw it out? Do you clean or throw out rugs?” he spoke, spitting cereal bits down onto the same rug, which couldn’t have helped its cleanliness.
Jay took another bite as well. “Do we… do we have a carpet cleaner? Carpet cleaning… machine?”
“I don’t think so. That’s the thing with the steam, right?”
“Yeah, yeah… yeah I think so. I guess…?”
“I mean okay, how much do we like the rug? Do we want to get a new rug?”
“...I might enjoy a new rug. That could be nice.”
“Then let’s fuckin junk it, man. Out with the old, in w- or, how bout- uh- out with the milk, in with the… the…. The clean rug.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”