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Rose calls him a week before the All-Stars game. They’ve been broken up for a while, but she’s stuck to her word: it seems she really does want to be good friends with Shane, and they keep calling and texting. It’s nice.
He’s on the road in New York, but Hayden’s stepped out to get food, so he’s alone in the hotel room. He sets down his book on the pillow next to him and answers.
“Hey, Rose,” he says.
“Hey, Shane!” she says as her face appears on Shane’s screen. She sounds surprised to see him, even though she’s the one who called. “Um, is this a good time?”
“Yeah,” says Shane. “I’m in New York, we’re playing tomorrow.”
“Oh, cool,” says Rose. “Um. Are you in private?”
“Yeah,” says Shane. Rose sounds nervous, which is weird, because Rose never gets nervous. “Is something wrong?”
“Well, no,” says Rose. “I mean, not exactly wrong. It’s not something bad. It’s just, um, something we need to talk about. Oh my God, this is way harder to say than I thought.”
“Maybe just spit it out,” says Shane. He’s starting to feel nervous himself. Rose hadn’t been anywhere close to this flustered even when she was breaking up with him.
“Okay,” says Rose. “Just promise not to freak out, okay? Because I promise it’s all going to be alright, and we’ll figure it out.”
“Okay,” says Shane.
“Okay,” says Rose, and takes a deep breath. “Well, I’m pregnant.”
Shane’s mouth falls open in shock. “Pregnant?” he asks, sure he misheard.
“Yup,” says Rose. “Pregnant. Five weeks.”
“Uh,” says Shane, eloquently. They had slept together five weeks ago. With a condom. The whole night was so awkward and uncomfortable that he’s mostly tried to erase it from his memory, but he distinctly remembers using a condom. “What? I mean, are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” says Rose. “I took three tests. To be sure.”
“Oh,” says Shane. “But—I don’t understand. We were careful.” He hopes that doesn’t sound like an accusation. But they were careful, weren’t they?
He feels sweaty all of a sudden, and like he needs to do something with his hands. He sets his phone down and starts to run his hands up and down his thighs repetitively.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure how it happened, either,” says Rose. She’s kind of smiling, in a really nervous way. “Um, look. I know this is a bit of a shock. Obviously. And it’s a shock to me, too, I mean, I had no idea that we’d…I mean, yeah. Um. I’ve had a little more time to think about it, and, well, it’s not great timing, but…I’ve actually always really wanted to have kids. To be a mom. And I guess, I kind of think if the universe is sending me a kid, then it’s time to have that kid. And I know it isn’t planned or anything, and I promise I’m not expecting—I don’t know, I’m not going to force you into anything, I guess. But I’m having this baby. And I would, um, really like you to be involved. In some way. If that’s okay. Uh—Shane?”
He’d put his head in his hands. He tries to concentrate on taking deep breaths.
“Shane, please say something. Are you freaking out?”
“No, I’m okay,” he says immediately, but even he can tell it sounds strangled.
“Okay,” says Rose, now sounding high-pitched and strange. “Good. Because if you’re freaking out then I’m definitely going to freak out, Shane, I really don’t want to do this by myself.”
Shane’s head snaps up. He’s always done better with a specific task in front of him, and here’s an important one: reassure Rose.
“Oh, no, Rose, it’s okay,” he says valiantly, and tries to think what to say next. He can’t, so he just dives in. “It’s okay. You’re going to be a great mom. And we’ll figure it out. Yeah, it’s complicated, but…” his brain stalls for a minute. Complicated is a comical understatement. Okay, he tells himself, table that, and address it later, Hollander. “But we will figure it out,” he repeats, firmly. “I will help you. Obviously. You’re not doing this by yourself. It’s okay.”
“Okay,” says Rose, and bursts into tears. Shane spends the rest of the call repeating platitudes into the phone—he says “it’s going to be okay” so many times the words start to lose their meaning—while pushing his own panic down.
“It’s okay,” he says a final time. “It can be a good thing. I mean, it will be a good thing. You got this.”
Rose is wiping her eyes now. “Thanks,” she says. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t know how much I needed to hear that…I haven’t told anyone yet, I thought you should know first, and I promised myself I wouldn’t pressure you into anything, but…I really hoped you wouldn’t freak out. I kind of need you.”
“You know me,” says Shane sincerely. “I’m saving the panic attack for after we call.” He pauses. “And, I mean. I wouldn’t just…make you do it alone. I mean, that’s my kid too.” That feels really weird to say, like he’s lying or pretending or something. But Rose gives him a watery smile.
“Okay,” she says. “Okay. Um. I think I’m gonna call my mom. Can we talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah, of course,” he says. “I’ll talk to you then.”
“Bye, Shane,” her voice is warm. “Thanks.”
She ends the call and he stares at the blank screen. He can’t believe that really happened. He’s just holding his phone in his hand, staring at it, and he’s tempted to look at the call log and see if maybe he just imagined the whole thing.
He can feel the panic and anxiety start to rise up inside him, all the questions and problems he’ll have to deal with soon. He looks at the clock—Hayden had left half an hour ago, surely he won’t be back just yet? He can give himself ten minutes to freak out and panic, and then get himself together so nobody knows anything’s wrong tonight. And he’ll figure the rest out later and it will all be fine.
Having given himself permission to panic, he lies down on the bed and covers his face with his hands and tries saying it in his head. Rose is having a baby. I’m going to be a father. I’m going to take care of a kid.
Twenty minutes ago, his biggest problem had been working out what exactly he’d say to Ilya at the All-Stars game-how he’d apologize for running away, maybe come out properly, and ask Ilya about his feelings. Now he feels a nasty jolt as he realizes he won’t be able to have that conversation, so carefully-planned and hoped for, after all. How could he, when he’s got Rose and a baby to worry about? And he can’t imagine Ilya would want to get involved in that mess.
A baby. A human being, who he is somehow responsible for. Who he somehow created with Rose, his ex girlfriend and one of two people in the world who knows he likes men. He can’t wrap his mind around it, and he’s definitely panicking now.
Well before the ten minutes are up, Hayden walks into the room.
“Well, they had pretty good steak, but I don’t know if they’d have anything you would like,” he says, and kicks off his shoes. He falls onto his bed with a contented sigh, then looks over at Shane, who hasn’t said anything yet. “Shane? You good?”
Shane means to say he’s fine, but what comes out instead is: “Rose is having a baby.”
Hayden sits up abruptly.
“Whoa,” he says. “You’re serious?”
“Yeah,” says Shane. “She just called me. She took three tests.”
“Been there, brother,” says Hayden, his eyes wide. Shane puts his head in his hands again. Suddenly he has a vision of four miniature Shanes and Roses running around just like the Pike children, even though that’s impossible, because he’s at least sure he’s never having sex with Rose again.
“Hey, Shane, buddy? It’s going to be okay. Deep breaths, man.”
He’s next to Shane on the bed, his arm laid comfortingly across Shane’s back. Shane hadn’t even noticed him move.
“Fuck, sorry,” says Shane. “I told Rose I wouldn’t freak out.”
“It’s okay to freak out a little,” says Hayden. “Remember when Jackie got pregnant the first time? I totally panicked!”
Shane nods, and takes his head out of his hands. It’s true, Hayden had freaked out at first, but within a week had transformed into the ultimate dad so perfectly Shane suspects it was who he was always meant to be. Shane doesn’t think it’s going to work out so easily for him.
“And you were a great help then,” adds Hayden generously, which is probably not true. Shane hadn’t done much besides listen to Hayden talk and occasionally say stuff like “That sounds intense,” or, “Yeah, Jackie’s the best.”
“Don’t worry, man, I got your back,” says Hayden. “It all works out in the end.”
“Hayden, what the fuck am I gonna do?” says Shane desperately. “Rose and I aren’t even together.”
“Oh,” says Hayden. “Well, yeah, but…I mean, didn’t you guys break up because of the distance?”
“Oh. Yeah,” says Shane, after a pause. “And, um, schedules.”
“She seemed really nice,” says Hayden, nodding. “Like you guys really got along.”
He’s looking at Shane like he expects him to say something, but Shane can’t tell what. “Yeah, she’s the best,” he says honestly.
“And you seemed happy together.”
“I guess,” says Shane, and he thinks he knows where Hayden is going now. “But we’re just friends, Hayd.”
“Right,” says Hayden skeptically. “I mean, Shane. You’re gonna have to work the distance stuff out anyway. Don’t you think you should at least think about getting back together?”
“Oh,” says Shane. That makes sense. For a single instant, he contemplates it: a life of pretending to be who he should be but isn’t. Then he rejects it just as fast. Now it’s been said, he can’t take it back, whatever the consequences are. And then, of course, it’s not like Rose would want to get back together with him, anyway. This he seizes on, as a reasonable explanation: “Hayden, she broke up with me. We're just better off this way.”
“Yeah, but…” Hayden trails off. “I mean, Shane, this is serious. You’re going to have a kid together. The little things are going to have to be worked out. You guys should at least talk about it.”
“It’s not happening, Hayden,” Shane says stubbornly. “No chance. We’re just going to have to figure out how to…uh, co-parent.”
Hayden sighs, but speaks gently. “Shane, man. I get she hurt you. But now you guys are gonna have to work together, and she probably feels differently now, about the distance or whatever. You’re going to have to be grown-ups about it. I mean, take it from me, parenting is a lot easier if you’re doing it with a partner. And, I mean, it’s easier on the kids if you’re together—“
“Hayden, stop,” says Shane, his voice hard and sharp and panicked. This is his nightmare, isn’t it: that it would be better, easier for everyone if he was straight, and he isn’t, and now it’s going to hurt his kid, who doesn’t even exist yet. “I just can’t, okay? I can’t be with her.” His voice cracks on the last word.
Hayden stops. “Okay,” he says. “Sorry. Bad time to bring it up. I guess I’m kind of surprised, too.”
Shane lets out a quiet laugh at that, but his eyes are stinging, and he’s concentrating all his efforts at not crying in front of Hayden. But at least Hayden’s arm is still across his back, and he’s still sitting here by Shane’s side, a good friend even if Shane has failed the first step to being a good father already.
“Shane,” says Hayden after a while, very quietly, “Why can’t you be with Rose?”
Shane feels his shoulders go stiff. He was going to tell Hayden eventually, anyway, wasn’t he? But he can’t face it, can’t say it, not now that he knows who Hayden thinks he should be. But he can’t come up with a good lie, either.
“Please don’t ask me that,” he says.
“Okay,” says Hayden. “Sure. But I just mean…she was good to you, right? She didn’t…”
Shane doesn’t understand. “What?”
“She didn’t hurt you, right?” says Hayden. “Because I’ve got your back, man. We can figure it out—“
“What? Hayden, no!” says Shane, jerking back so he can look at Hayden face to face. He looks worried, really worried, about Shane. Fuck. He just needs to say it.
He closes his eyes. Remembers kissing Ilya, just like he had in the restaurant with Rose. That was a good thing, he knows. It’s something he should be able to say out loud. “Hayden, I can’t get back with Rose because I’m gay.”
“What?” says Hayden. “Wait, what? You’re gay?”
His face is unreadable. The panic, fought into submission by all of Shane’s willpower, comes roaring back to the surface.
“Yes,” he says, his voice tight. God, he really, really doesn’t want to cry right now. How humiliating would that be? “So I can’t do it. It’s why we broke up.”
“Oh. Shane,” says Hayden. “Of course not. Fuck. Sorry, I’ve been stupid.”
“Yeah, but.” He takes a breath. “But what if…it’s bad for the kid.”
“No,” says Hayden immediately. “It won’t be. That was a stupid thing to say. I just thought, like, you weren’t letting yourself be happy. But that’s what your kid needs–you, and you happy. In fact,” –he puts his hand on Shane’s shoulder and looks him directly in the eyes, which is exactly what he does whenever he hypes someone up if they’re freaking out before a big game, and which he has never done to Shane before, because Shane never freaks out before big games—“you are going to be the best dad ever, gay or not. No, actually, fuck that. Being gay is going to make you the best dad ever. Because…” he runs out of steam for a moment, then finds inspiration again. “Because then they will know that you will accept them no matter what,” he finishes. “And they’ll need you to be yourself.”
“Okay,” says Shane weakly, and nods, and closes his eyes. “Okay. Yeah.”
Hayden’s hand leaves Shane’s shoulder, and he immediately misses it.
“Okay, now I need to process this,” says Hayden. “You’re really gay?”
Shane squints at him. “Yeah,” he says.
“And that is great,” says Hayden firmly. He still kind of sounds like he’s giving a pre-game speech. “I love you. And I think it’s great that you are gay.”
“Thanks, man,” says Shane. He doesn’t laugh, because he thinks that might hurt Hayden’s feelings, but he wants to.
“I guess I’m just surprised. ‘Cause like, this whole time, I thought you were really hung up on Lily.”
“Oh,” says Shane. “Well, yeah. Kind of.”
Hayden stares blankly at him for a minute, until it clicks. “OH!” he says. “Oh, dude, what? That’s a guy? That’s been happening forever!”
“Yeah,” says Shane. “It kinda took me a while to figure stuff out.”
“Totally,” says Hayden. “Wow. Okay. Well, I might not be a lot of help with the gay stuff. But Jackie and I have got you with the dad stuff. Hey, can I tell Jackie?”
“Which part?” asks Shane dryly. “That I knocked up Rose Landry, or that I did it while I was gay?”
“I mean, both parts, I think, dude,” says Hayden. “She’ll be a lot of help.”
Shane shrugs. “Why not?” he says, philosophically. Then the old fear comes creeping back. “I mean. Don’t tell anyone else.”
“Okay,” says Hayden cautiously.
“I guess–I guess I’ll tell people eventually,” he says. “But not yet. I need to–I need some time first.”
“Of course,” says Hayden. “Whatever you need, man, I’m here.” He moves back to his bed. “You want to go get drinks tonight? Talk it over? Or not think about it, watch a movie or something?”
To his surprise, Shane finds himself nodding. “Yeah, okay,” he says. “That would be good. I think I’m kind of still in shock.”
“Totally normal,” says Hayden, expertly. “Been there, remember?”
A few hours later–Shane’s one beer and a few ginger ales in, because he really doesn’t need to be drinking right now–Hayden brings up Lily again. He’s quiet about it, and they’re in the corner of some bar by themselves, but Shane still feels the instinct to lie and hide.
“So, Lily, huh?” is all Hayden says, and Shane starts reminding himself, again, of how good things were with Ilya. That what they had wasn’t bad. That Rose and Hayden both, now, have told him they want him to be himself.
“Yeah,” he says, and can’t stop himself from smiling, which is stupid, because it’s not like him and Ilya are anything right now, and they probably won’t ever be. But he can’t believe he’s talking about Ilya with somebody at all.
“Oh, dude,” crows Hayden delightedly. “Dude, you are blushing. What? Who is this guy?”
“Nobody!” says Shane immediately. “I mean. We’re not anything right now, okay? We stopped seeing each other before I got with Rose. And we weren’t, like, dating or anything.”
“Hmm,” says Hayden. “Maybe you should hit him up.”
Shane shakes his head. “I thought about it. But I can’t anymore. Not right now, anyway. Things are too complicated. And I doubt he wants to talk to me, anyway.”
“Okay,” says Hayden, and Shane can tell he wants to say something more, but he lets it go. “Well. Now I know, I’m expecting the details at some point.”
Shane bursts out laughing. “Hayden,” he says seriously, “You really do not want the details.”