Chapter Text
Everyone was worried about Yuuji. Their friend group decided to go on a trip to New York. And they were taking Itadori with them no matter what. Fushiguro didn’t have to imply much in regards to Itadori’s safety at home. The case Choso was fighting was public since semi-famous Kenjaku was apart of it. Gojo-Sensei mentioned how Kenjaku had his hand on many people higher up in society. It was a mess, even with Gojo’s name along side Choso- it wasn’t guaranteed they’d be able to save Yuuji before he’s 18. Luckily, Itadori’s name was left out of it completely because he was underage. Only people who personally knew Itadori knew of his involvement.
The case itself rose more questions about Yuuji’s quality of life. But it wasn’t a surprise. Yuuji’s mom was terrifying. She knew how to control the emotional rhythm of any conversation. She swayed the results in anyway she could. Using any type of manipulation. Okkotsu only met her once, and the entire time was utterly uncomfortable. He felt like he couldn't say a word without it being twisted into an example of his childishness. Every comment became a read on his character and Yuuji’s choice of friends. Yet somehow she was never rude enough to offend social conventionalities.
Yuuji apologized for her behavior. Yuuji apologized, but not her. Never her. Yuuji apologized for flinching away. He apologized for looking sad. He apologized for being annoyed, being silent, being loud, being gone without saying anything. He apologized for being here, even though this trip was all for him. This is why they made the trip. So Yuuji could breathe. But countries away from Japan, Yuuji was still choking.
Okkotsu couldn’t focus on the movie. Only on Yuuji.
And he was starting to get worried.
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Itadori phases back into the background. He watches his friends converse as he slowly, slowly, slowly steps back. Fushiguro, Kugisaki, Maki, Panda, Inumaki, Okkotsu- He doesn’t want them to notice him leaving. They’re all talking and pointing to the TV. They’re distracted. They’re happy. He slips into his guest room and plops down onto the ground. He leans on his guest bed. He lets out a tired sigh. His body felt stuck. He forced so many smiles, so many jokes, because he just wanted them to be happy. But it didn’t stop the ache of pretending.
Itadori pulls his bag to his lap. His digs through and finds his two phones.
On one phone, he sees texts from his brother, updates about their case. He wants to read them, but he’s too tired. Choso encourages him things will eventually work out. Choso’ll do anything to protect him. Even take a punch. Alot of punches.
Itadori tries to smile at the texts, but the scar on his face prevents it. Well, not really. His body had longed healed from that fight. But when he felt his rough skin pull unnaturally from the scar tissue a myriad of emotions consumed him.
He drops that phone back into his backpack.
On another phone: texts from Kenjaku, berating him on running away. He didn’t run away he went on a trip with his friends. But that never mattered. His mother always found a way to make him feel wrong. His brother Mahito would join in too, texting him things that balanced the line between cruel, but not cruel enough for any action to take place. Besides Kenjaku would punish him if he blocked Mahito’s number.
“How can you ignore your precious little brother, Yuuji?” His mother would say.
“Yuuji’s gonna cry like a baby~” Mahito. He hates him. He hates having a brother like him. Itadori knows he’s awful for feeling that way. He should love Mahito. Even if Mahito’s- himself. But he’s nothing like Choso. Nothing like him at all.
The only reason he got away with texting Choso, was because Choso gave him another phone with a plan not know by their mother. Choso paid for it, therefore keeping their connection a secret. Without Choso, Itadori doesn’t know how long he could have kept going.
He drops the other phone back into his backpack and pulls a small knife. Luckily, he managed to hide from everyone. Though he only really had to hide it from Choso and Gojo-Sensei. No one else knew. They were the only ones who knew he self-harmed. But both of them weren’t here. The knife was here. Itadori’s agonizing thoughts were here. And he knew how to deal with it. He knew he was being dramatic. Kenjaku didn’t even beat him anymore. Now Itadori was creating his own scars, scars Mahito made fun of him for. But it didn’t matter. It was the only thing that was just for him.
He picks up the blade and drags the it along his arms. Blood pours out of the wound. He thought that the movie, his friends, this trip, could distract his thoughts. But it didn’t. Honestly, the urge got louder. So much louder. His heart pounding the entire time, pleading to find a quiet corner, or bathroom, something. Waiting to be exactly where he was, doing what he was doing. But now, none of that mattered. He could forget his grandfather’s death, his mother’s abuse, Mahito’s taunting, old bruises, old scars- everything. He could breathe through this sweet pain- like he was floating.
“Yuuji?” What-
Itadori stops mid cut on lower arm. He drops both arms and looks. Towards the door stands Okkotsu with the door cracked open. Did he- Did he really not lock the door? Was he really that stupid? He couldn’t remember to lock a door before cutting himself? He probably did it on purpose. Like his mother always says, he’s just cutting for attention. He’s not really sad. Just ungrateful. Always ungrateful-
“Oh Yuuji,” Okkotsu moves to him swiftly, and sits in front of him. Speaking barely above a whisper. “Yuuji, it’s okay. Okkotsu says. But how could it be? His life is a mess and he’s stuck in the middle of it. Even if a miracle happens and Choso can adopt him, Kenjaku will find a way to mess with him. She and Mahito always do. “Breathe-” Okkotsu says. When Itadori lets out an exhausted breath. His head feels so dizzy. He forces air in and out of him. Okkotsu stays close holding onto his shoulders. “I’m here now,” says Okkotsu.
Itadori can’t help but melt into those words, into his arms. They weren’t even close friends. Not really. They got along really well. Okkotsu was nice. Beyond nice. Okkotsu supported him at first just from loving Megumi. Itadori didn’t deserve this. But he can’t let go. He needs to though, because when he brain gets too stressed- “Can you let go of it for me?” Itadori listens to Okkotsu and drops the knife into his own lap. He didn’t realize his grip tightened around the blade. Blood drips from palm. It stings. He’s losing his control of his own brain. He needs to get Okkotsu to leave. Before he realizes how awful he truly.
Itadori pushes Okkotsu away lightly.
“I’m- I’m okay.” Itadori stutters out. “I’ll be okay. You can- you can go back to everyone.” He can’t be anymore horrible then he’s already been. Okkotsu has his own issues to deal with, not Itadori’s. Not when this is all his fault. Itadori looks up at him expecting Okkotsu to slowly leave. But his senpai just smiles.
Okkotsu arms wrap around Itadori.
“This is where I need to be, Yuuji.” Okkotsu’s voice says it, like it’s so easy. Like it doesn’t mean the world to Itadori right now. Itadori doesn’t push away from the hug, instead he tears start to fall from his eyes. With every step of vulnerability his mind screams that he’s doing something wrong. Something awful. But Okkotsu just continues to accept him, with every step. “It’s okay,” Okkotsu says it over and over, noticing every time Itadori starts to spiral.
Itadori is the one who breaks the hug suddenly. He leans back onto the bed wiping his tears. The open wound on his hand stings. Blood paints his face. “Ow,” He whines. Oh no, the sound of his voice is too high pitch, too soft, too clumsy. He’s regressing. By the sinking feeling consuming him he’s already too far. He failed again. He promised to never do this again. It was weird and creepy and he was weak for letting his mind do this.
“That must hurt.” Okkotsu voice rings in Itadori’s head. His voice is so nice. It makes him feel so safe. Itadori brings his knees in, hugging them. Blood stains his pants. But he’s too gone too care. Okkotsu gives him a sympathetic smile. “Sorry, Yuuji, I should have bandaged that sooner.” Why is Okkotsu apologizing? This was all Itadori’s fault.
Okkotsu stands and extends his hand. Motioning him to take it. Itadori stares at it. He can’t. He can’t let Okkotsu help him again. Wait. what was he thinking? How could he say no? That’s so mean. He’s always so mean.
Itadori forces himself to stand. His legs move like he’s on a tight rope, staring down into the void. Okkotsu holds his arms tightly to keep him steady. Itadori doesn’t miss the worried look that grows on Okkotsu face.”Yuuji? What’s wrong?” Okkotsu wants to ask more. But words seem to evade him. Okkotsu deserves an explanation. Itadori hates explaining while regressed.
“I’m- I’m- I’m-” Itadori shutters. He scowls, hating that Okkotsu has to be here to see him like this. Even though Okkotsu said it’s okay, he can’t accept that easily. “Re-re-” He spits out. Okkotsu tilts his head; confused. “My head is stupid and useless now.” Itadori repeats his mother’s words. Maybe that will help him understand. But Okkotsu looks horrified.
“Yuuji,” Itadori thinks for a second, that Okkotsu finally understands how worthless he is. But instead Okkotsu holds his hands, careful to not touch the open wounds.
“Why are you being so mean to yourself?” The question completely catches him off guard. So he doesn’t say anything. He simply stares at his senpai. Okkotsu leads him into the bathroom and sits him down on the closed toilet. Okkotsu takes his hands and runs sink water over his palm and wrist. He pats the wounds lightly with clean towel. Okkotsu rubs a antibiotic ointment over the cuts. Lastly Okkotsu wraps a bandage over the cuts. “There.” Itadori looks at the bandage, then back at Okkotsu.
“Have you-” Itadori’s voice stumbles over his words like a child. “Done this before, Okkotsu-senpai?” He knows he’s doing speaking wrong. He shouldn’t talk when he sounds like this. But he can’t stop it anymore. Okkotsu smiles and kneels down in front of him.
“I have.” Okkotsu smiles. He’s so pretty. “I used to get bullied a lot.” Itadori gasps, eyes widening. “But now I have wonderful friends, including you. And I don’t like it when my friends are mean to themselves.” Okkotsu says. Itadori looks away. He was just telling Okkotsu the truth. He just wanted everything over with. He curls in speaking into his jacket.
“That’s just the truth, Yuuta.” Itadori says muffled. Okkotsu face stiffens. Itadori peers at him. Okkotsu’s pale skin grows a reddish pink hue around his cheeks. But then Okkotsu slaps his own face. His serious expression returns.
“You’re not stupid or useless. I know she told you that. And we know she’s been texting you during the trip.” Okkotsu says. It brings sweat onto his forehead. How did they know?
“You know I get texts from mommy?” Itadori asks. Okkotsu pauses for a moment. But then he nods. In that moment, something seems to click in Okkotsu’s mind. But Itadori’s head is way too fuzzy to keep track of what. “Mommy and Mahito always send things that hurts.” Itadori whispers. Okkotsu looks like his heart about to break. ”But you’re nice, Yuuta. And- And everyone is- is nice.”
Okkotsu beams. He stands up and holds his hand out to Itadori. Yuuji jumps up and wraps around Okkotsu’s arm. They walk out the bathroom.
“Do you want to come finish the movie?” asks Okkotsu. Itadori shakes his head. His face darkens little bit. He hates already being like this in front of Okkotsu. He can’t do this around everyone else. Okkotsu seems to understand that. He stand. “Okay, that’s fine. We can stay here.” He smiles.
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Okkotsu doesn’t know if he’s doing the right thing. Both he and Itadori rest on Itadori’s hotel bed leaning against the wooden bed frame. Okkotsu left for a few minutes to inform everyone that Itadori needed some time alone. He didn’t miss the guilty expression painted on Itadori’s face when Okkotsu leaves and returns with food. Itadori curls into himself again, stuffing his legs in his knees.
“Here, Yuuji.” Okkotsu places the tray of food on the bed. With chopsticks beside the plate.
“Thank you, Yuuta-” Okkotsu face heats up. Itadori says his given name again. With that childish voice. He was so cute. So cute- Okkotsu felt actual pain in his chest. Just trying to keep his face normal was so difficult.
Itadori picks up his chopsticks. His fingers tremble as he tightens his grip. He lowers the chopstick down towards the plate. Itadori moves sagely, not wanting to make a mess. Okkotsu watches, worry starting to grow on his face. Once he sees sweat start to appear on Itadori’s face, and his breathing becoming more labored, he reaches over to help. Itadori gasps lightly. He draws back and turns to look. Okkotsu’s hands gently connect with him.
“Yuuji, let me help-” Okkotsu whispers, smiling. But Itadori frowns more.
“I need to do it- it myself!” Itadori leans away from Okkotsu and tries again. But this time he’s too quick, not careful enough he stabs the food with his chopsticks. His hand slips and he crushes the fish. The meat splatters around the plate. Itadori freezes. Okkotsu sees the panic start to swell. “I’m sorry, Yuuta.”
Okkotsu places his hand on Itadori’s back. He notes Itadori flinching, then slightly relaxing once he realizes there’s no harm coming.
Okkotsu starts to understand what’s happening. He understood enough before. Itadori’s hurting deeply, and it was changing the way his brain worked. He’s beyond stressed. So stressed it seems his mind has found a way to cope by reverting to a child’s mindset. Okkotsu can imagine how dangerous having this coping mechanism at home. Itadori implied his mother’s expectations were high. Okkotsu loathed his imaginings’ of Kenjaku finding Yuuji like this. Curling in on himself. Lacking his usual motor skills and verbiage. Weakness, Yuuji’s mother hated it more than anything.
“Yuuta?” Itadori calls. Okkotsu wakes up from his thoughts. Itadori looks like he’s in the verge of tears. “You’re mad at me...”
“No, no-!” Okkotsu jumps, making Yuuji jump room. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking about... About how to protect you.” Okkotsu quickly says. “Here.” Okkotsu cleans up the pieces of fish that fell onto the bed. “Do you want to try again?” He wants to make Itadori feel safe. Has he ever felt safe? Even in school, Itadori always looked over his shoulder. It made Okkotsu so pissed.
“I-” Itadori stutters. “Why are you so nice to me?” Itadori whispers dejectedly. “I’m...” he trails off. He looks like he’s thinking. “Is it because you’re nice to ev’rybody?”
Okkotsu looks, slightly embarrassed.
“Well, I do try to respect everyone. But it’s different with you,” Okkotsu glaces at him for a second. Making them both look away, blushing. “Ah! Sorry, Yuuji. I shouldn’t be thinking like that when you’re...like this. Here,” Okkotsu picks up his chopsticks. He cleans then with a napkin. Itadori watches Okkotsu gracefully dip the chopsticks into the fish. He picks out a small piece and raises it towards his lips.
Okkotsu looks away. And so does Itadori as he takes a bite.
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“I did this for Choso once.” Okkotsu looks at Yuuji. He raises the chopstick towards Yuuji’s lips. He eats it. They’re both still on Yuuji’s guest bed, as Okkotsu slowly feeds him fried fish and rice.
“Really?” Okkotsu asks, making sure to stay engaged with whatever came out of Yuuji’s adorable mouth. Even when it often dips into hard to follow stories, his favorite TV shows and foods. “He feeds you when you’re little?” Itadori shakes his head.
“No-” Yuuji says with food muffling his mouth. “I fed him, Yuuta.” Okkotsu blushes again, hearing Yuuji says his name in that voice. It was tooth-rotting how sweet and adorable Yuuji was. “You wanna know why?” Itadori ask him, poking at his chest. Okkotsu nods. “He got into a fight with mommy protecting me,” Yuuji says, his voice barely audible. “His arms were all broken. And there was blood everywhere.” Okkotsu sighs. Okkotsu had long suspected Kenjaku didn’t stop at verbal abuse. Some of the others thought so too. Especially Megumi and Panda. But anger still overwhelms him.
“I’m sorry you saw that, Yuuji.” Okkotsu says. “I’m sorry you live there. Do you remember why they were fighting?”
“Um,” Itadori rests his fist on his chin. “Mahito started fighting me. I think we were playing a game. He got angry and used his knife to slash me. It really hurt. And my lip took foreeever to heal.” Itadori rolls head along with his eyes, then he points to his lip. Yuuta peers at the scar: a slash over the side of his face. He drops the utensil’s down the plate and hold Yuuji’s cheeks. Yuuji smiles when his hands connect.
“I’m sorry, Yuuji.” Itadori’s face loses his smile. He blinks curious at Yuuta.
“You say sorry more than my mom. But you didn’t do anything Yuuta. You’re-” Yuuji wraps his arms around him, pushing his face into his chest. Yuuji was strong, really strong. Even in this state. But it didn’t hurt at all. (Even if it Yuuta wouldn’t care.) “-The best!”
Yuuta’s chest explodes.
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Yuuta puts Itadori to bed. Which by no means easy despite the tine reaching 4am. Yuuji insisted they play or stay up longer defiantly, later than they’ve already have. If they stayed up any longer, the sun would rise. Yuuta volunteers to sit by Yuuji pillow. He watches Yuuji’s chest rise and lower soft. Drool drips onto the bed but Yuuta can’t find it in his heart to care.
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Yuuji woke up limp. Not exactly limp but tranquil. He was used to waking up with his heart beating out his chest. His muscles tense and aching. But he feels so calm. Once his eyes focus on the breathing figure above him, he knows why. Yuuta is dozing off, quite adorably above him. He a wonderful sight to wake up to. But as the memories from last night starts to trickle in, guilt taints his smile. No, not yet. He won’t be consumed by his emotions just yet. He’d apologize profusely when Yuuta woke up. For now, he’d make sure Yuuta slept just as good as he did.
Yuuji pulls Yuuta into the bed so they lay right beside each other. Yuuta stirs for only moments before setting back into sleep. His hair is mess, his eyes look sickly, and he’s snoring so slightly. But Yuuji can’t find it in his heart to care.