Chapter Text
Everyone knew residency would be tough. That there would be challenges and some major perseverance needed, but surely this was something else entirely. Their first day had been the day from hell and yet empty promises were made that it would get better. Ten months later it didn't feel any better. Everyone seemed stressed, tired, yet hanging on.
Santos couldn't help but feel like she was the only one drowning.
It didn't help that she stopped eating and could no longer sleep through the night, nightmares lingered behind closed eyes. Sometimes she was back being berated by Langdon, other times she could feel those hands all over her, but mostly it was some fuck up she had caused. Some patient she had killed, some kid she had let slip through the cracks. Every time she woke up with a guilt that made her stomach roll.
Poor Huckleberry knew something was up. But as he had been spending his free time, well, anywhere other than home he was blissfully ignorant to the depths of her issues. For now, Trinity could force a tight smile and keep him at arms length with her cutting comments. That came naturally to her at least. Even when she felt like she couldn't be in her own skin she knew how to be a bitch.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, that reputation spread far and wide within the Pitt very quickly. It wasn't uncommon for people to give her a wide berth if possible. The rumour mill around the Langdon situation probably didn't help either.
It had only became worse now that he was back, their interactions painfully charged.
Not that it bothered Trinity. It was for the better. She hadn't grown up with a 'team' mentality, more a every person out for themselves and weaknesses were to be pounced upon kind of mentality. Everyone kept saying that working in the Pitt was a team game, a fondly dysfunctional family. Trinity was yet to see it. Of course there were exceptions to this, Huckleberry had become closer than she ever expected while both Princess and Perlah had somewhat taken her under their wing. Although that felt more out of convenience than actually liking her, so they could keep gossiping in Tagalog. Still, it was nice.
She couldn't help but mull over the depressing dynamics while mechanically chewing on a dry granola bar at the nurse's station. If Santos thought too hard about the food in her mouth she was sure to throw up, so she kept her attention fixed on the patient charts that Dr. Al-Hashimi kept hounding her about. Just as the words on the screen started to blur together from exhaustion, Dana's voice interrupted her suffering.
"Everything all right kid?"
Trinity turned around to see the older woman smiling softly at her, as she so often did. That was another person that she supposed she could count on to treat her well, but Dana treated everyone well so it didn't really count.
After just a moment too long of hesitation, she replied with a tired smile "You know me"
"I do know you," Dana confirmed, not convinced in the slightest, "That's why I'm askin'"
"All good, I'm the trouble free kid, remember?" Santos replied with a faux pep to her voice.
She forced herself not to shift uncomfortably under the Charge Nurse's intense gaze, "That remains to be seen"
Thankfully, sanctuary came in the form of an incoming trauma. Santos knew that it was a bad day because she wasn't even jealous that Dr. Mohan called for Crash and not her. Within the distraction, Santos used the opportunity to slip away. Charts be damned.
She didn't even get far enough to check in on her own patients before Dr. McKay was calling out to her.
"Mind helping me out with a patient Santos? Got a feeling it's an odd one and you always excel at those"
Trinity paused in her tracks for a moment as she digested the words, "Thank you… I think? What have you got?"
"11 year old has come in with her dad complaining of stomach pains, no tenderness over McBurney's point, labs came back with no elevated white blood cells but has thrown up three times since being here. The real issue is the weirdness between her and her dad" Cassie explained as she handed over the report.
Santos flexed her jaw at that last part. She really didn't want to become the go to person when a patient had a fucked up relationship with their parents, "Weird how?"
"Kid doesn't speak much, thought she was just shy at first but then she didn't let me examine her properly. Refused to give a urine sample. Dad is hovering but doesn't seem to care at the same time. Just wants to get out of here" She couldn't help but let out a sigh at the end of her rant, there was nothing obvious to point them in a certain direction but Dr. McKay couldn't help but feel as though she was missing something, "Just need some fresh eyes, that's all. It could be nothing but I don't even know what's wrong with the kid yet"
It was undeniable that it sounded like something was going on there. Something bad. Other than Santos herself, Cassie was the best at picking up on these things. She had never asked about her backstory but she didn't need to. There was clearly a lived experience there. Despite this, her previous nightmare cropped up in her memory as it sent a shiver down her spine. What if she messed this up? What if she made it worse?
Somewhat unsuccessfully trying to keep the doubt out of her voice, she asked "Are you sure you want me on this? We both know I've been described as a clenched fist with hair. Maybe this keep needs someone with a gentler touch. Crash is busy but I think Huckleberry is around"
"And we both know that your poor bedside manner is reserved for assholes," Dr. McKay jokingly countered but her voice grew more serious as she continued, "Seriously, if I didn't want you on this I wouldn't have asked"
She paused for a minute as she took her words in. Over the past few months, Trinity had been trying desperately to stamp out Langdon's voice in her head that she was stupid, arrogant and only going to cause harm. But, just like Dr. Mohan's reassurance on the day, the trust dampened that voice ever so slightly.
"Okay, sure" Santos agreed, easily masking how much she still didn't want to do this.
Trinity walked over to the curtain that Cassie had gestured to and paused just before she pulled it back. She took a deep breath in, trying to steel herself against what was to come, then put on her brave face and didn't look back.
"Hi, my name is Dr. Santos. Is it alright if I asked you a few questions?"
The dad, James if she was remembering correctly, immediately put her hand on his daughters shoulder, "We already went over everything with the other doctor"
Trinity basically had to tear her eyes away from the intensity of the touch, it was as if she could feel his hand on her own shoulder, before giving her best understanding smile, "Dr. McKay got pulled away but she didn't want you waiting for too long, so she asked me to check in. You're in good hands, I promise"
That seemed to pacify the man enough for now, so Santos took it as her queue to sit on the stool next to the bedside next to the poorly girl.
"So, Rowan, how long have you had stomach pains for?" She asked gently, fixing her gaze on the clearly nervous girl. Her mousy red hair was unkept and falling into her face but she made no move to push it back.
As expected, she got no response. Every time she asked a question the dad answered for her. Rowan kept her gaze fixed on her hands where she was messing with the skin around her nails. It had already been bitten down and looked saw, but the young girl gave no sign of it hurting.
"Is it okay if I have a quick look in your mouth?" Trinity asked, still directing the questions towards her.
"Her mouth? What for?" He asked, it was the first time he hadn't sounded displeased and instead was genuinely confused.
This time, she met his gaze unflinchingly, "Sometimes an infected throat or sore gums can cause stomach aches, especially if they are causing bleeding"
It wasn't the whole reason she wanted to look, but he didn't need to know that. After a moment's consideration he nodded and as if commanded Rowan followed his instruction. Without thinking about it, Trinity gently lifted her hand to angle her head in the best way possible. Such a simple thing caused Rowan to jump as though she had been electrocuted.
Santos paused in shock for a moment and her stomach dropped as she watched the persistent grip on her shoulder tighten.
"Sorry… cold hands" Rowan explained, speaking up for the first time.
The tightness in her chest didn't lessen at the explanation but she went along with it anyway, "My fault, I've always said they keep the AC too high here"
She didn't say anything in response, that was to be expected, but she did get a small smile in return. Santos took the win.
Once she was able to get a good look inside Rowan's mouth she saw exactly what she predicted. Her inner cheeks were bitten to shreds and her teeth were visibly worn down from grinding. This wasn't a sick kid, this was a stressed kid. She felt her own jaw clenching in anger but quickly schooled her expression into something more neutral. This was going to be a very delicate situation, the last thing this kid needed was Santos fucking things up for her.
"I just want to take another blood sample to rule some things out, then we can take it from there, okay?"
Usually Trinity would have a nurse do this, they were much better at it due to the frequency they had to do it, but she figured the less new people the better. There wasn't much she could do to make Rowan feel calmer but this she could. This time, she explained everything that she was doing as not to make her jump. Perhaps she did it to a point that was somewhat patronising but she would do almost anything to not have to see the kid jump like that again.
Once the sample was taken, she stood up quickly and said her goodbye's. Getting space between her and that man didn't help. It still felt that the air was too thick, that her heart was beating too fast. God, she hated this day.
"Another blood sample? What are you thinking?" Cassie asked curiously as Santos joined her back at the nurses station.
"I'm think its psychosomatic, but I want to check for cortisol levels to make sure. We would need to do another one in a few hours but at least it would give us an idea of where she is at," She explained as she looked around, until her eyes landed on the young nurse, "Emma, have you taken a sample to the lab yet?"
For a moment, she stared blankly. Clearly shocked to be addressed out of the blue. "Uh, no, not yet. Dana said she would show me but she hasn't had the chance yet"
"Dana being busy? That's par for the course" Trinity joked dryly, "Maybe if she stopped chasing us around like a mother hen she would have more time"
"If I did that the place would fall apart" The woman in question called out as she walked past, clearly still preoccupied.
For the first time in a while, Santos barked out a genuine laugh. "Come on, I'll show you how it works. I'd rather do that then get back to charting"
"Is that so, Dr Santos?" Al-Hashimi asked, making her jump as she appeared out of seemingly nowhere. Thankfully, she had a bemused smile on her face.
They all watched as Santos tried to stammer out an explanation, but Trinity thanked God as Whitaker pulled her out of her misery as he so often did, "Santos is further ahead on charting than I am, she just can't do a nice thing and be genuine about it or she'll break out in hives"
Actually, fuck Huckleberry for exposing her.
"What is this? Gang up on Santos day?" She glared at them all, until her eyes met Bambi 2.0 who shifted uncomfortably in the new dynamic, "Not you Emma, you're perfect"
That only seemed to bring on a new discomfort as she squirmed under the praise but still smiled a little bashfully.
"Stop flirting with my nurses!" Dana called out as another drive by.
"I'm not-" She tried to protest, but the older woman was already gone. Trinity rubbed her brow in exhaustion, she turned to Al-Hashimi who still had that glint in her eyes that she was enjoying this, "I'd like to file a report to HR"
"It's a lot of paperwork" She said simply.
"Never mind"
Their moment of levity was broken when she looked back down at the vial in her hand. The sooner she went, the sooner they could be done with this entire situation, "Dr. McKay, maybe you could fill Dr. Al-Hashimi in on our patient while I run this upstairs?"
"So you think it's-"
"I do," She confirmed, "And I'd like to stay on, if that's okay with you?"
"Of course, always happy to have you Santos. Let me know when you have the results"
At least someone was.
"Come along Bambi, it's time for some learning" She tugged Emma along gently rather than sitting with the compliment from Dr. McKay. Even thinking about it for a moment made her skin itch. It sucked craving validation but not knowing what to do with it when it happened.
Thankfully, Emma allowed herself to be pulled along but then the nickname caught up to her, "Bambi?"
"Yeah, you would've been Bambi 2.0 but then Javardi had to go and pass out on her first day. So she's crash now"
Taking Emma up to labs was a nice distraction. It was mostly small talk, asking how she was finding things, and in return Emma asked about the backstories behind all her nicknames. It wasn't exactly Emma's first day anymore but Santos would be damned if she let someone feel the way she did when she first started here. Even though Trinity knew there was no danger of that under Dana's protective care.
Now that she was further along in her career, she had put a lot of thought into what kind of teacher she wanted to be. Trinity rarely bothered thinking about the future, the far future anyway, because she wasn't used to the assumption that she would see it. Not in any sort of meaningful way. She wasn't planning on doing anything to hasten natures course but if something was to happen, then it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
In fact, it wouldn't even be notable.
Sure, Trinity had no doubt that people would feel sad for a while. Huckleberry might visit her grave for a bit, say some sweet words, there might be a lull for a few days, she refused to contemplate Garcia's reaction. But then life would move on. The world would keep spinning as it always did.
But now there were people she was expected to at least somewhat teach and suddenly the far future seemed like the present. It wasn't like Santos could have a personality transplant. She would never be the mushy, unconditionally praising, heart warming sort of mentor. Trinity knew that she was abrasive. Hell, even the perpetually kind Samira had called her out on her aggressive energy on the first day. She had lost track of what was her personality and what was a trauma informed reaction. If there was even a difference anymore.
More often than she would like to admit, Trinity found herself smacking the palm of her hands into her temples while repeatedly asking herself the question of why was she like this? Why was she this fucking broken?
She knew why.
But it didn't make it any easier. It was hard to have a sense of self when it felt as though your soul had been ripped out, moulded by unwanted hands, and stuffed back in without a care in the world. Over and over and over again.
Trinity still didn't know if she was doing a good enough job at teaching, but she swore to never make other people feel as she had been made to feel.
Emma's voice pulled her from her thoughts. She hadn't even realised she had zoned out, "Thank you for doing this, I know doctors are busy"
"It's the Pitt, everyone is always busy" Trinity easily brushed off. Besides, it wasn't like she was doing it out of the kindness of her heart. She needed a minute away from the inevitable hell that was about to go down. Why couldn't assholes just admit they're assholes peacefully? If Trinity could do it, so could they.
"But still, everyone has been so nice"
A hot pang of jealousy shot through her body and she hated herself for it. Santos found herself physically shaking the feeling away and ignored the look of curiosity from the younger girl, "I'm glad, this is the last place you want to feel alone"
Thankfully, the conversation is put to a close as Princess calls out for Emma to help her with a patient and just like always things keep moving in the Pitt. While she's waiting for results, Santos rounds on her patients with mechanical precision. It was all pretty straightforward, a head lac that had been cleared by neuro, a guy who got sideswiped by a car but only sustained minor injuries etc. But she couldn't help but feel like she was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For something to go horribly wrong.
Santos let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding when Whitaker sunk down into the seat next to her, "Am I really ahead of you in charting?"
"Of course you aren't" He said immediately with the slightest smug grin on his face, well, as close as he could get to smug anyway.
"Well let's keep that on the down low," Trinity replied as she huffed out a laugh, "I'm learning our new boss can literally appear out of thin air, she's like a goddamn ghost"
"It's spooky, right?" Whitaker agreed, his tone conspiratorially quiet as if she could appear out of nowhere.
An unexpected voice made them both jump, as Perlah leaned in and matched their tone "Tingnan ang dalawang nagbabahaging lihim na ito"
Look at these two sharing secrets.
Neither of them commented on how Huckleberry jumped and clutched his pearls as if he was a damsel in distress, once he collected himself he turned to Trinity curiously.
"She's saying we should leave gossiping to the pros" She explained dryly, now recovered from her initial surprise, "Ang bastos pakinggan"
It's rude to listen in.
Perlah just shrugged as if to say 'if you don't want me to listen then stop making it so tempting'.
Whitaker watched the interaction with curious eyes, "You should teach me Tagalog"
"What? Why?" She barely managed to sputter out, it was one of the few moments where Dennis had seen her truly taken off guard.
"Because…" He paused, debating the best way to phrase what he wanted to say next. Sometimes talking to Santos was like walking in a minefield, "You always seem more carefree when speaking in Tagalog, it would be nice to understand"
She looked to Perlah, ready to mock him for his mushiness but she unexpectedly nodded, "Little Mouse is right, there is a difference"
"Traitor" She muttered under her breath but it was missed by Huckleberry who was frowning as he looked between them.
"Is giving nicknames really just a Filipino thing?"
Santos rolled her eyes, "I've been telling you for months that it's a form of endearment"
An annoyingly genuine smile spread across his lips.
"Well don't look so fuckin' happy about it"
At her grumbling his smile only grew bigger and Perlah couldn't help but laugh before leaving them to it. The conversation had taken an unexpected turn which left her feeling oddly exposed. She wasn't used to having people actually notice things about her, to see her. So, Trinity did what she always did, she deflected.
"How are your patients going?" Santos asked, and he hesitated just long enough to know something was up, "Out with it Huckleberry"
"I have a patient who has comeback for their second appointment for an abortion, she's at 22 weeks" He explained and she nodded along as she took in the information.
So far, nothing felt out of the ordinary "Did anything worrying come up in the consultation? Do you think she is being coerced?"
"No, it's not that," Whitaker paused again and things started to click into place. To be honest, Trinity didn't know much about his backstory but it was clear there was some baggage there. But he had respected her wish for privacy in that regard so she had extended the same courtesy to him. There had just been tidbits to filter through, lots of existential guilt, quoting the bible just a little too quickly but then wincing like it physically hurt. More of a reflex than anything. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. "I guess it's nothing really, I'm over thinking it"
It was an obvious out. Santos had a pretty solid track record of taking an out when it was offered. But not this time.
"You're helping her, don't feel guilty about respecting her wishes"
He swallowed thickly, "I know, it just…"
"Doesn't feel that way?" She finished for him and he nodded in confirmation. Fuck it, apparently today was the day for bearing her soul for Huckleberry to see, "Look, I know what it's like to grow up with a mother that doesn't want you. Trust me, you're saving them both a world of hurt"
Whitaker blinked in surprise at the unexpected admission, not that Trinity would've seen it as she was pointedly refusing to make eye contact. As if things couldn't get any worse, Langdon had strolled in with his usual kicked puppy look to check on the patient board. She wasn't having this conversation with him lurking in the vicinity, she might actually throw up.
"Santos I-" He tried to start, but she swiftly cut him off as she stood up giving herself a physical escape route.
"You're a good doctor Huckleberry, you'll figure it out. If you can't just let me know and I'll swoop in to save the day like the hero I am" Santos called out as she began walking away, her tone too tight to be as jovial as she was aiming for.
Of course it couldn't be that simple.
Garcia and Mel emerged out of the trauma room and caught the tail end of their conversation, "I see some of the R2's need a course refresher in humility"
She ignored the wince that Whitaker gave at the words hurled her way, especially considering the nature of their previous conversation.
It stung more than she cared to admit even though she was joking. Probably. It could be hard to tell with Garcia. The words were just a little too close to what Langdon had spat at her. Santos didn't let it show as she clutched her chest in a not-so-mock hurt, "Coming from a surgeon? Ouch"
"There is a course on humility? Did I miss it?" She heard Mel asked as she walked away, despite everything, she couldn't help but smile at the genuine tone.
That smile was soon ripped away from her face as she looked down at the newly received test results.
500 nmol/L.
Far too high for her age, far too high for this time of day. Her brain spun with the possibilities. It could be Crushing Syndrome, but she didn't have the physical symptoms. Maybe it was a tumour causing her adrenal glands to fuck up, or she missed something on the history that would explain it. Each time she tried to think of an alternative explanation, she felt the phantom grip on her own shoulder tighten.
Wordlessly, she walked over to Dr. McKay and handed her the results.
"Fuck," She muttered as she processed the information, and likely ran through the same possibilities she had just done, "We will need to do another one to make sure, but, good catch Santos"
The compliment didn't even register.
"What now?"
Cassie let out a heavy sigh, "Now we run some more tests and get the social workers involved, I've already cleared it with Al-Hashimi"
"Do you think they'll do anything?" Her voice is steady but her nerves are betrayed by how she picked at the skin around her thumb absentmindedly. Of course, this was noticed, but thankfully the older woman chose not to say anything.
McKay handed the tablet back and squared her shoulders as if ready for a fight, "We'll do everything that we can, okay?"
She could only nod as she felt the familiar sensation of her eyes burning. Oh how Trinity wished she had a Dr. McKay in her life when she was younger. But she pushed the thought away and easily put her guard back up, it was second nature at this point.
"You don't have to stay on this case, I know it can be a lot." What was it with people giving her an out today? Trinity shook her head more confidently than she felt. McKay evaluated her for only a second but it felt like an eternity. "Okay, I appreciate your help on this. I need to check on another patient then we will go talk to the social workers, so I'll meet you by the nurses station"
She barely managed to voice her agreement before she somewhat stumbled away towards the bathrooms, bumping into more than a few people on her way. With a little too much force, Santos pushed open the stall and fell to her knees. Only just making the toilet bowl as she threw up what little she had eaten today. Seeing the granola bar again was almost as unpleasant as the first time.
Thankfully, there was no one else around to watch her breakdown.
"Fuck, fuck!" She spat as she hit the side of the stall with her fist, causing a loud rattle that didn't even register. Nor did she notice the dull aching in the side of her palm.
The skin on her thighs itched, aching for a physical release. If things were different, if she had something sharp on her, Trinity didn't think she would be able to resist the urge. The thought scared her. More so, it filled her with a deep fucking shame. It had been years and she was still a scared little girl who was too much but not enough for everyone around her. How pathetic.
Trinity had been the one to live, she had been the one to survive and what did she have to show for it? Absolutely nothing. Just a bag of fucking trauma and trust issues while watching kids like Rowan experience the same. How was she supposed to help them when she couldn't even help herself?
Every day I'm grateful I didn't do the same
Her own words ring mockingly in her head. It wasn't a complete lie when she said them. In fact, most days it was true. Others she felt ambivalent to her own mortality. But, there were some days where she wanted nothing more than to be rotting in the ground next to her dearest friend. The knowledge that today was one of those days made her gag into the bowl once more but this time nothing came up. It wasn't a surprise but it was unpleasant nonetheless.
After a few moments of evaluating whether she was going to be sick again, she reached up and flushed the shameful remains away but stayed on the bathroom floor. Trinity didn't have the energy to move just yet.
The decision was made for her as the bathroom door opened to reveal Mel, who looked down at her with worried eyes, "Santos? What are you doing on the floor?"
"Just dropped something" She lied, her voice hoarse.
"Oh, do you need help?"
Trinity had to stop herself from laughing bitterly, Oh, the irony. She pulled herself together and replied, "Thanks but I think it's gone"
"I'm sorry," Mel sounded painfully sincere, "What was it?"
"Just my dignity, help me up?" As expected her joke took a few moments to sink in, not that it warranted a laugh and instead got a look of concern. Thankfully, Mel reached out for her hand and helped her up regardless. To be honest, Trinity would have struggled to stand on her own.
After mumbling a thank you, she practically staggered over to the sink and scooped water into her mouth and spat it out. Desperately trying to get rid of the lingering taste of bile in her mouth.
"Can I talk to you?"
As if this day couldn't get any worse. She liked talking with Mel, she really did, but this day had been hell already and she didn't know how much more she could take. If Trinity knew what was good for her, she would have politely declined. But no one had ever accused Trinity of knowing what was good for her, "Sure, what's up?"
"I feel like you've been avoiding me," Ah, this conversation. "I just wanted to apologise if I did something wrong, or something to upset you, I don't always realise-"
Santos held up a hand gesturing her to stop, "You're right, I have been avoiding you but not because you did anything wrong"
More waves of guilt rolled in her stomach as Mel just looked at her with confusion.
"Then why are you doing it?" She asked the million dollar question.
Steeling herself up for the conversation, Santos ran the tap and washed her face with cold water. The shock of the temperature helped ground her somewhat. As always, Mel just waited patiently for her to be done. With one last sigh, she worked up the courage to be honest, "You're close with Langdon but we have a… complicated relationship. I didn't want to make things awkward for you so I just took myself out of the equation"
"So you were trying to keep me out of the metaphorical crossfire?"
"Yup," Santos confirmed, popping the p as she did so, "That pretty much sums it up"
It was her turned to be shocked as Mel smiled in understanding, "I see, that was very thoughtful of you"
Trinity still couldn't get over the fact this conversation was happening in a bathroom. A bathroom she had just thrown up in. Twice.
"It has been known to happen" She dryly remarked, no longer sure as to where this was going now that the truth was out.
"I appreciate it, but it's unnecessary" Mel assured in her own way, "I value your friendship too and don't want to lose it"
Fuck Mel and her stupid fucking timing. She had just felt together enough so that she wasn't going to burst into tears at any moment, then here she comes with her melancholia shit reminding her that she's worth a damn. Santos bit the inside of her cheek so hard she was sure she could taste blood. It was a minor step up from bile.
"Heard" She says once she finds her voice again and held up her hand for a high five, which was smacked a little too enthusiastically.
Mel gave a full teeth grin at their shared understanding, "Good, I'm glad"
"If this blows up in your face, just know know that I tried to save you" She gave a mock salute as she turned and left the bathroom, trying not to think too hard about the unfortunate truth of her words.