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“You were always going to choose her.”
Zoey’s voice was calm. Calm and quiet and collected and so entirely wrong. Mira looked at the girl sitting on the rooftop, limbs loose and shoulders slumped with exhaustion.
“What?”
“Rumi. You were always going to choose Rumi.”
Mira glanced automatically towards the room where they had left Rumi, patterns shimmering softly as she slept. She shook her head, trying to make sense of the conversation. “Zoey, I don’t under—”
“No, I don’t understand.” Finally, Zoey turned to look at her. Her eyes, usually so bright, now lacked even the glimmering sheen of tears. “I don’t — I don't understand. How is it that the second Rumi left, you left me too? I thought we were more than that, I thought—”
“I didn’t leave you?” Mira took a step towards Zoey, utterly lost. “I would never leave you. Zoey, what’s going on?”
Zoey just looked at her. Looked at her with that terrible, flat expression on her face, and said, “‘There is no we, Zoey. I don’t get to have a family.’”
Mira’s heart seized. Her own words, snarled in the midst of her rage and fear, were so awful that she flinched as Zoey threw them back in her face. She fought the sudden urge to run. “Zoey—” she stopped. God, what was there to say? “I’m so sorry” was so futile, so useless, that she was almost glad Zoey ignored them when the apology fell from her slack lips anyway.
“Rumi left, and I wasn’t enough,” Zoey said again, as if turning the thought over in her mind. “Rumi left, and you just — gave up. There was no we anymore, because I didn’t matter, not enough, not witho—”
“Stop,” Mira said roughly. “That’s not true, Zo. You know that’s not true. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking at all — Zoey, I’m so sorry.”
“I know you weren’t.” Zoey looked away. “You weren’t thinking. You acted on instinct and the instinct was to leave me too.”
“No,” Mira said helplessly. “No. I would never-” But she couldn’t finish the sentence. Because it was true, was it? She did leave. She recalled it now.
In the moment, she hadn’t been thinking of Zoey at all. Hadn’t even really seen her, even as her worried voice pierced through the roar in Mira’s ears. “What do we do now?’” Zoey had asked. “We can’t do this without Rumi.” She hadn’t been able to answer. The image of Rumi stumbling off the stage had still been wavering before her eyes. How the patterns slashed over her skin had glowed with a lurid light, each frantic pulse and flare evidence of all the lies Rumi had fed her. The humiliation of knowing that all the signs had been there. Each time Rumi refused to go to the bathhouse with them. The countless evasions and excuses she made whenever Mira brought up her strange behavior. All the times she disappeared without warning, and showed up again with no explanation. It had been so obvious. Rumi wasn’t even a good liar — it was Mira who had shut her eyes like a stupid little kid who thought that if she couldn’t see the glaring truth, then it wasn’t real. Because god, she had so desperately wanted it to not be real. She had wanted to believe that she had finally, finally found a family. One who saw her, with all her aggression and contrariness and stubbornness, and showed her their flaws in return.
If she had wanted lies and closed doors and a veneer of perfection upheld above all else, she would have stayed with her parents.
“All our songs are written in three-part harmonies!” Zoey had continued. And it was the mention of their songs that broke Mira. Their painstakingly written and choreographed songs, rehearsed over and over until the moment it all clicked — the moment when their voices melded together and their bodies moved in tandem and Mira knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that they belonged together. That every look of contempt and every scabbed knuckle and screaming match in her past had been worth it because now she was here, with the two girls that she belonged to and who belonged to her.
It had been too much. The delusional high that Mira had been riding for so long had crashed that night, burning up in zigzagging patterns across the skin of a girl she loved. It had been entirely too much. And when Zoey had grasped Mira’s shoulder, it was the first time her touch hurt.
For all her bared teeth and balled fists, Kang Mira was a coward. A mean dog with raised hackles who’d bite the hand that fed it until no one offered a hand again. “There is no we,” she had said, because she had so stupidly forgotten that she was meant to be alone. “I don’t get to have a family,” she had said, because she had to believe it was true, because she had allowed herself to hope otherwise and the reminder had been so much worse.
Even now, even after Rumi had come back and the Honmoon was made anew and Gwi-ma was sealed away, she couldn’t quite bring herself to shake off his…lies? Were they lies? Did she really deserve a family, when Zoey sat there looking up at her with red, deadened eyes? Did she deserve a family when she hurt those she loved, inevitably and endlessly?
“Please,” she whispered. “Please — I’m sorry. I was stupid and thoughtless and I’m so sorry, Zoey.”
“And the worst part is,” Zoey continued, as if Mira hadn’t spoken. “I had come to terms with that. Before you. I had come to terms with being easy. Easy to love and easy to leave. But you told me—” Her breath hitched, and she angrily swiped tears away. “I tried so hard. To be my best. To be just right, not too much and not too little. And you told me I didn’t have to, that I could just be, and I believed you and you said you would never leave and the second — the second Rumi left, you wouldn’t even look at me. Didn’t try to fix it, didn’t say anything except there is no we, Zoey. And you just walked away.”
“I was wrong,” Mira said desperately. “I was wrong and scared and Zoey, I wish I could take it back.”
“You were my family too, you know?” Zoey said, so quietly at first that Mira had to strain to catch the words. Her voice rose as she continued. “You aren’t the only one with shitty parents. I thought — I thought finally, okay, here’s people I belong with. Here’s people who won’t leave me. Even if I’m weird and a lot and — yeah. And it turns out that, fuck, it turns out this family was still conditional. It turns out that apparently, I’m just a bonus for you, and without Rumi, whoosh. You’ve gone and left me behind.”
“That’s not even close to true,” Mira said sharply, hurt making the words louder than she intended. “You’re not a — a bonus to me. How could you even say that? I love you, just on your own — you know that, don’t you? All the times we snuck out together — all the times I let you drag me to a weird new movie or to the aquarium for the hundredth time—”
“Well I’m sorry you felt like I was dragging you,” Zoey retorted bitterly. “I won’t force you to go anymore.”
“That’s not what I meant!” Mira snapped. “God, Zoey, listen to me! You’re being so–”
“So what?” Zoey said, into the ringing silence. When Mira didn’t answer, she gave a single bark of laughter, brittle and knowing. “Oh, come on, Mira, you were so mad at Rumi for hiding the truth. Don’t clam up on me now.”
Mira turned away abruptly. Her teeth were clenched so tightly she felt they might crack. She wanted to scream. She wanted to punch the wall. She wanted to run — run and run until she was sure the black choking thing inside her chest could not hurt anyone else in its explosion.
Instead, she breathed in. Held that breath for four seconds. Breathed out, slowly. She did it again.
In, two, three, four.
Hold, two, three, four.
Out, two, three, four.
“Okay,” she said at last. “Okay. The truth.” She still faced the wall, but her voice was quiet now, almost steady. “You are so wonderful, Zoey. You are so incredible, all on your own. I love all your turtle facts, all the little doodles you show me, all the insane ideas you have in your seventeen notebooks and counting. I love when you come into my bedroom at night and I love that you’ve stopped knocking because you know I keep the door unlocked now for you. I love going to the aquarium with you and watching how impossibly wide and sparkly your eyes get when you watch the sharks and the jellyfish. I love how you choose to believe the best of people. I love how openly you show affection. I love—” She paused, then forged on. “I love the person I become when I’m with you. I love knowing that I’ve become a better person because of you. I love — I — ugh.” She drummed her fingers against her thigh, rifling for the right words.
It was so quiet behind her that she almost wanted to turn around, to make sure that Zoey was still there, but she knew that she would lose her courage if she had to look Zoey in the face right now. “You make me — braver. Softer. Maybe they’re the same thing here, I don’t know. Like, okay, before you, I was always one foot out the door. Defensive. You know how I am. I’m not the easiest person to get along with, obviously. Aggressive, abrasive, anger issues, the works. But with you, I feel like — I don’t have to be, or something. That’s such a cliche, I know, but — I don’t know. You make me laugh. So often. Even when you’re not making a joke, you make me want to laugh for — joy, I guess. Yeah. You bring me so much joy. You’re so — so bright, sometimes it almost aches to look at you. Like staring at the sun. Which sounds so corny but it’s true. You make me want to be a better person. You make me want to stay. And god, Zoey, I’m so, so sorry I made you feel the opposite. I’m so sorry I made you doubt any of that. I don’t know how to make it up to you. I don’t know how to fix what I’ve done. But I swear I won’t leave. You — you are my family. If you still want to be, I mean.”
She stopped. “Uh, I’m done now,” she added awkwardly after a few moments of silence. “You can say something now. Please.”
In response, a loud sniffle came from behind her. She whirled around to see Zoey, tears and snot pouring indiscriminately down her face. “Shit,” Mira said, panicked. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, Zoey, I know I’m not the best with words, I didn’t mean to make things worse—”
“You idiot,” Zoey choked out. “Mira, you’re so— thanks—” She took the handkerchief Mira thrust at her, mopping her face with the bright pink cloth. “And who even carries a handkerchief anymore?? You’re such a grandma.”
“You’re welcome? I’m sorry?” Mira said helplessly.
“Mira-” Zoey tried again, eyes watering. “I love you.” She started to cry again. “I love you so much. Of course you’re my family.”
Mira was beginning to sniffle too. “Don’t cry,” she begged around the lump in her throat. “You’re going to make me cry!”
“Good! You deserve it!” Zoey wiped at her face again. “I’m still mad at you.”
“Okay.” Mira’s chin began to wobble.
“You were so stupid!”
“I know.”
“And it really hurt me.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“I know.” Zoey held out her arms, and Mira fell into them. Both of them were fully crying now. Fat tears rolled from Mira’s eyes to stain the fabric of Zoey’s shirt, and Zoey was unabashedly weeping onto Mira’s shoulder. “I was so scared,” Zoey blubbered. “I was so scared you were just going to give up. On me. On us.”
“I wouldn’t,” Mira sobbed in return. “I would never. I won’t.”
“You better not,” Zoey sniffled. “I have magic throwing knives and a really good aim.”
Mira snorted out a laugh in the middle of her tears. “And they say I’m the scary one.”
***
Later, when Rumi woke up in the middle of the night and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water, she found two puffy-eyed girls lying on the kitchen floor. She blinked. “Are those…peas??”
“Frozen,” croaked Mira, by way of explanation. “For de-puffing.”
Rumi silently watched Zoey drop another singular pea into her mouth. Cruuunch. She raised an eyebrow at Mira, who simply said, “She got hungry.”
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up,” Zoey supplied, then began giggling at her own joke.
“And we finished all the ice cream, so we couldn’t use those,” Mira finished serenely.
“Riiiight.” Rumi looked down, where Zoey had wrapped herself around Rumi’s leg. “Hi, Zoey.”
“Join us,” Zoey begged. “Join us, Rumi.”
“Said every hive-mind ever,” Rumi mumbled, but sat down anyway. “What happened?” she added, as Zoey dragged Mira closer so that she could lay across their laps.
Mira sighed, sitting up and gently beginning to remove the multitudes of pins holding Zoey’s hair in place. “I had been an asshole. Accidentally.”
“I know the feeling.” Rumi rubbed her fingers absentmindedly over the bottom hem of Zoey’s cargos. “Zoey, you can’t be comfortable like this. My knee’s digging into your side.”
Zoey kicked her lightly with the heel of her foot. “Shhhh. I’m perfect where I am.”
Rumi shook her head, smiling. “She’s perfect. Who am I to argue?”
“You’re going to have spinal issues in five years,” Mira said affectionately.
Zoey shrugged one shoulder. “Worth it.” She shivered in pleasure as Mira rubbed her scalp, massaging out the tension from a day spent in braided buns.
“Rumi,” Mira began, keeping her eyes on Zoey’s hair.
“I know,” Rumi interrupted hurriedly. “I’m sorry. About everything. About lying and doing things behind your guys’ back and trusting a stranger over you. About making decisions on my own that affected all of us. I’m so sorry. Things will change from now on, I swear.”
There was a short silence. “Thank you,” Mira said finally. She sounded…surprised. Rumi didn’t want to think about what it meant that Mira would be surprised at the apology. Had she really been that unreasonable? Zoey was smiling at her though, eyes soft and glad. For not the first time, Rumi wondered how she had been so lucky as to end up with Zoey and Mira in her life.
“But that’s actually not what I was going to bring up,” Mira continued. “I wanted to apologize.”
Rumi blinked. “Oh.”
Mira fidgeted, carding her fingers through Zoey’s hair. “When you ran off that stage, you were the most scared I’d ever seen you. And you saw us, and for a second, relief washed over your face because you trusted us. And we — I — looked at you like you were a — well, like you were a demon. Like you were just a demon, a monster like all the rest, instead of our Rumi. I raised my weapon at you. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgi–” She stopped, swallowing hard.
Zoey took Mira’s hand where it had stilled, tangled in her hair, and squeezed it gently. “We’re sorry too, Rumi. For letting you think, even for a second, that we weren’t on your side. For letting you think you were alone.”
“Oh.” Rumi swallowed hard, blinking rapidly. “It’s – fine. It doesn’t matter anymore. I never – I never blamed either of you, and well – we saved the world. Everything’s okay.”
“It wasn’t the world I cared about,” Mira said. “It was you. Both of you.”
Rumi’s eyes welled up. “Me too.”
“We can’t cry again,” Zoey pleaded. “We just got done crying!”
“I’m not crying,” Mira asserted, staring very hard at the ceiling.
“Okay, happy thoughts.” Rumi sniffled. “Happy thoughts!”
“Boobs,” offered Zoey.
Both girls stared at her.
“What?” Mira finally asked.
“What, boobs don’t make you happy?” Zoey said incredulously. “That certainly didn’t seem to be the case when–”
“Oookay.” Mira put her hand over Zoey’s mouth, face burning. “Thanks, Zoey. Next?”
Zoey nipped at Mira’s palm until she was released, ignoring Mira’s hiss of pain. “Bathhouse! We can finally take Rumi to the bathhouse!”
“All you think about is naked women, huh?” Mira muttered, and promptly got an elbow in the gut. “Joke! It was a joke. Ow.”
“Please, Rumi,” Zoey begged. “Pleeeeeasee?”
Rumi rubbed a hand over her sleeve self-consciously. “Are you sure you won’t mind seeing…well, you know?”
“Of course not!” Zoey exclaimed. “They’re beautiful, just like you. So shimmery and glowy. And Mira said that you’re even hotter with them.”
“Zoey!” Mira squawked. “That was private!” She sighed, looking at Rumi out of the corner of her eye. “But it’s true. I did.”
Rumi laughed, cheeks pink. “Okay.”
“Okay? Okay you’ll go with us? Really?” Zoey squealed as Rumi nodded. “Let’s go tomorrow! Oh my god, Mira, Rumi’s going to the bathhouse with us!”
“I heard,” Mira assured her. “I was right here.”
“I’m so excited,” Zoey chattered quietly later, as Mira dozed off. All three girls were tangled in Mira’s sheets, since she hadn’t been able to refute Zoey’s assertion that “the occasion calls for a celebratory sleepover!”
“I can’t believe Rumi agreed to go with us,” Zoey was murmuring. “I can’t believe I was in the room where it happened!”
“Was that a Hamil-” was the last thing Mira heard before she fell asleep, the corners of her lips softly curving upward.