Chapter Text
“It will pass.”
Ben had held onto it... Those words, he had let them sink into his skin and soul. He had tattooed them over his heart when he started to falter in believing them. They had been spoken a lifetime ago, it felt like that anyway. Hux had been gone for six years now. Six years, it was... So long. He thought the pain would go away, then he had thought he would outgrow it when he’d grow up... But no, nothing would ever compare to his Bran, nothing would fill that immense gaping hole that was just sitting there. He had not seen him since the day in the Citadel, not a single look. There was no word either, nothing. But every week there was a new book laying on the table of their place in the Old City. It was the way Hux let him know that he was alive and well. Ben would always take them with him and replace them with the one from before. It was a thin line to hold onto, and it was not enough. He needed more, and he was never given that.
He had failed his promise though. He had not stayed in school and he had not been good. He was like Hux now, but not to the Order. His master did support the Order, but their unit was not sworn into the First Order, nor did it interact with any of its assets. The Supreme Leader had mentored him. He was now a Knight of Ren, a private army of seven warriors, meant to protect the interests of the Western Nations. But Hux had always been right... This life was hard, full of pain, abandonment and loneliness. He had never been more miserable, but there was no going back. He had embraced his new life. Ben was dead, Kylo Ren had replaced him. The only tether that remained was his books in the old city and his memories of his ginger soulmate.
Kylo sighed. He couldn't help his mind lingering to those good old days when he had nothing else to think about. He tried to avoid this though, because he would still feel that a piece of him was missing. It was harder on those days when he didn't have a mission to focus on. Speaking of those; Kylo had just finished his last mission. It had been an easy job, he didn't even need a day to complete it; his target unknowing and easy to access. In and out, a clean stab, back before dinner-time… Too simple. He wondered if Hux would know about his new way of living. Probably not. The Supreme leader had made sure they would be anonymous to everyone, even to each other. That was the reason he had made all of his Knights wear the masks, so no one would be able to recognise him by face. The masks instilled fear, a faceless entity- Some people even questioned if they were human at all. A powerful weapon, even among their arsenal of actual weaponry. These helmets were as much part of their strategy as any other of their skills and tools.
His leader was a strange man. He was often cloaked, keeping to his dark room in the mansion they used. It was a big one, far outside the city's dense core. Kylo was not sure what to think of it, just like he had not been sure what to think of himself the first months. His mother had become unbearable. She would look at him and reprimand him for loving Hux. She found out that Ben had known about Hux’s life, and she had been furious that he still loved him when he knew. So when the Supreme Leader found him he was angry and sick with loneliness. Hux's absence left him without a voice of reason and he channelled his pain into working for this strange man that offered him sympathy. It was made to look innocent at first, the man asked Ben if he would keep an eye on people that his mother talked to, if he could print some records for him. He always seemed honest and just, like he wanted to help the world- Like Hux did. Then Ben was asked to take these people to places, where they would be subdued and taken by one of the other knights. When he had first killed one himself, his master had renamed him Kylo Ren, saying he was new- That he was revived. And he had chosen to believe him, because being Ben had become a pain that was too raw too bear. Only Hux remained. Ren loved him, dreamed of him, cherished him. He would be 24 now, grown up... Kylo was grown up now too. He had grown out of the awkward limbs and skinny frame. He was strong, tall... Dangerous. He set the mask down on his table and looked at the mirror shortly... His eyes still told tales... He knew. It was like Hux had always said. They said so much, too much... That was why the steel covered them- That and his entire face too. Kylo was a lethal, unforgiving machine... The man under his robes was almost forgotten lately, even by himself.
Kylo let his fingers slide across the cover of the book that had been left for him in the old city. He had finished reading it the day before yesterday. Reading was the thing he did most when he had some free time, but only when he received another book from Hux. It made him feel closer to his beloved somehow. Kylo pulled a strand of his hair behind his ear. He had let it grow a bit longer over the years. He remembered that Hux had loved the way it flowed, the unruliness of it, so he had let it get longer- Not too long- Just longer… So Hux would have more to run his long fingers through… Someday.
Kylo got up and let himself fall on the bed at the other side of the room. The moment he became a Knight was the moment he got this room, his own place in the mansion. It was a lot bigger than Hux's room in the Citadel, which was a cramped little box if he was honest. The Supreme Leader wanted his Knights to live well, wanted them to feel that they were taken care of. It was not a life of luxury though. Despite the size and comfort of it, his room was very plain and simple. He did not need much- He did not have much worth owning anyway. The First Order was different from this too... Kylo knew that. They seemed like a system, a unity. Kylo did not even know the faces of his fellow knights. They did not even speak to him. He thought that being this entity would strengthen him, and in a way it had. He was harsher now. He had not cried or sniffled anymore in a long time, he did not miss his mother, or his family, only Hux. He had thought about visiting the Citadel and meeting him there, but he was embarrassed. He had become this thing, and he could not stand it if Hux would look at him like he had betrayed him.
He sighed and opened the book that Hux had left for him, flipping through it to get back to the page he'd marked. It was no use, his focus was gone. He knew the story already- The suspense was dead now that he tried to read it a second time. So instead he chose to find his Master. It was late, but he would report his mission anyway, if the Supreme Leader was still there of course. He sighed when he clicked the mask back in place, knowing that he was supposed to wear it all the time. Only when his Master told him to remove it he would.
As he strode to the conference room at the back of the mansion he was surprised to hear a commotion. There was yelling, loud yelling. His Master never yelled, and the other voice was un-morphed. The Knights' masks always changed their voices, making them unrecognizable. But despite the fact that Kylo could not hear what was said he could tell that it was probably not one of theirs in there with the Supreme Leader. The doors swung open, and someone stormed out, paces long and fast. Kylo stared, nailed to the ground at the sight of red hair and a pale face. He was different... So different... But it was him. It was his Hux. The other walked past him, looking at his masked face before his own twisted into something akin to pure contempt. He didn't say anything to Kylo, just let out a huff and continued taking his leave.
Hux worked with his Master too? Kylo watched Hux leave around the corner, nimble hands slipping a coat on without slowing his stride. He looked positively enraged by whatever had happened in that room. But none of that mattered- He did not care for the situation… This was the first time in all those years he had seen him. He wanted to run after him, hug him, do anything, but he couldn't. He couldn't show Hux this... This thing he had become. Kylo wondered belatedly why he had been here though. Never had he seen someone of the First Order talk to the Supreme leader. He knew the Master supported the Order, but did they work together now? Kylo shook his head. If they did it was a strained collaboration indeed. No use letting his mind wander about it. He would only know if he would be told. He took a breath and turned back to face the door he walked to. He felt rattled, like had been pushed back a few years into being Ben rather than Kylo Ren. It felt too familiar, the connection between them. He swallowed thickly and shook his head. The image wouldn't leave, the hatred on that face... He stepped into the Supreme Leader's conference room and bowed his head.
"Kylo Ren..." His thin voice spoke. "Just who I wished to see."
Kylo slowly walked towards him.
"I am sure you saw my previous appointment leave." The man continued.
Kylo nodded, trying to avoid speaking since he would not trust the sound of it, even through the modulator in his helmet.
"His name is Elan Brendol Hux, he leads the First Order."
Kylo raised his head and regarded his Master.
"Unfortunately, the General has been a little too forward. He no longer wishes for my involvement with the Order."
Kylo clenched his jaw. Why would Hux get so angry with his Master, why would he cut him loose if his support was something that the Order would need? He was positively enraged by whatever they had discussed.
"The First Order is a very important asset in our plans. I cannot have their leader take that away from us. You have become my most promising Knight. I will trust you to take care of this little bump in the road. Do not underestimate him though. General Hux is a tough opponent."
Kylo’s eyes grew wide. It was a good thing he was wearing the mask now. His Master asked this of him? To kill- To murder Hux, like a target… Stick a blade in him to keep their interests alive- Their opponent, enemy. The Master handed him a tablet, the screen betraying it was generic, only containing a few important folders, the rest uninteresting.
"You can find everything you need to know on there."
The Supreme Leader pointed at the tablet.
"Read it thoroughly, know him thoroughly. Such a thing will be your only hope at making a discrete kill out of this."
He turned back around to sit down on his chair.
"That is everything I have for you now. Do not return to me until you have made your move- And do not move until you know you will win."
He motioned with his hand that Kylo could leave the room. Kylo bowed lightly and walked outside with the tablet in his hand. The mission he got, he had never failed a mission before- Which was why the Leader put his faith in him… But how could he complete this mission? He could never- Kylo walked back to his own room. What would he find on the tablet? He closed the door and slipped the mask from his face, this time not bothering to set it down where it belonged. Instead it fell to the floor with a heavy thud and rolled on the side a bit- Kylo paid it no heed. It felt too sweaty everywhere suddenly, feverish. How... Why... Hux was his target now. His kill to make. He had never been so blindsided in his life.
His fingers were shaking when he opened the files on the tablet. He knew a lot of this already, Hux's family information and history... Although he could read now that apparently he did finish school, went to Harvard even of all places. Kylo inhaled sharply, this was not right. He was not going to kill Bran! He kept reading though, there was a lot there that told him what Hux had been up to the last six years. The Stormtrooper programme his father had been so adamant about had been merged into the First Order, which made it a force that was not to be messed with; an army of clandestine killers. Nobody really knew how big it truly was- Not even Snoke. He sighed a little. Hux was no longer a boy, he had grown into a leader, a mastermind without match. The Order was no longer underground, it was the private army of the Western Nations.
The current Emperor had Hux in his ranks as advisor, even if it was unofficial and unknown to most media. It at least helped keep the peace. The Supreme Leader was thought to be a good friend of the Emperor’s inner circle too... But now he wanted to take out its most important asset. His Master was good to him... Surely there was a reason for all this... He could fix this, clear Hux's name and reconcile them. But first he would then need to face Hux, and he had no idea how that would go. He sighed and put down the tablet. He thought that he had been doing this to help the Western Nations in becoming a better place- No, he still believed he did.
Kylo walked to his bed and let himself fall down on it, letting out a frustrated huff. Running away wasn't an option anymore. He needed to face Hux and talk to him, even if he would be disappointed. His life could depend on it- So Kylo knew he had to find the guts to meet him, soon too. It would be easy to meet him by just waiting in the old city until Hux came to leave another book for him, but somehow Kylo didn't want to taint that place that way. He would find him by the Citadel, no doubt, if he kept his distance, he would be able to tail him to someplace quiet- So that they could talk. Hux needed his help; maybe more than the times he had been injured and shaking under Ben’s hands.
Kylo lay flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He felt weird, more of Ben was seeping back in, the insecurities and the feeling that he knew oh so little about the world. Hux was the only one that seemed to always understand things. He sighed a bit and grabbed the tablet, looking at the pictures in the files. Hux had changed too. The roundness of his face had sharpened, his brow was more pronounced now, strong, in some constant state of frown almost. Time had made something more feral of him. He had lost the soft side... At least it very much seemed so. But he too kept going back to the Old City... For Ben. Despite of all the things that had changed them they both kept coming back... Waiting and hoping.
Tomorrow he would see if he could start tailing Hux carefully. It was already getting late, so Hux would probably be at work in the Citadel. If he led the Order, that place would be his home now. It would be nearly impossible to get in there without being seen. The whole place was crowded with trained people- Especially now that those Stormtrooper ranks had been integrated. Kylo shook his head. He would start tomorrow and find a way to get to Hux when there were no eyes to see them. A moment and place they could talk alone and Kylo could make sure Hux wouldn't storm off as angry as he had seemed earlier that day. Or worse, somewhere where Hux wouldn’t kill him before they would even have a chance to speak to each other. He closed his eyes and let the sleep take him away.
It was a fitful sleep. Kylo had never slept well since he embraced this life, he either had weird dreams of the death that surrounded him or he did not dream at all. Those latter ones were often nights he spent on drugs, pills that eased his head. Tonight he woke up three times at least, twisting on another side to sleep on, stubbornly ignoring the unease in his gut. When morning came he was up early. He needed to find patterns in Hux's movements. He would start near the Citadel, try to make himself scarce and look for a sign of Hux, then he might try the estate, see if he still lived there. And well, otherwise he might see to find Phasma, find out if she was still with Hux so he could ask her to point him in that direction. He looked at his mask and sighed. He did not want to wear it, not to see him... But he would have to, too many risks were attached to not doing so. Kylo grabbed all his gear and got ready. After seeing how Hux reacted to him yesterday when he was wearing the mask, Kylo still didn't like to put it on, but he did so nonetheless.
He knew the way to the Citadel like the back of his hand. He had walked it numerous times, telling himself that he would see Hux that day; turning around halfway every time, but this time he would really go there, all the way. At least close enough to be able to observe whoever would be going in and out. Kylo chose a good vantage point when he arrived; one from where he could overlook the whole area/ It was actually quite nice sitting in the shade from a nearby building, his robes were thick and the sun was out, so this way he wouldn’t feel cooked to death by the end of this. It was still quiet around the area, the Citadel hadn’t expanded visibly on the outside. It still looked like a long forgotten land-mark of a different time, lost in an empty field of concrete and broken walls… But he knew what lay below that sad building- He knew what was going on inside. Kylo wondered how long he should sit here, how long he would have to wait before he would see anything worth seeing. Maybe there was nothing to be seen here, maybe he had missed Hux coming into the Citadel- Or missed him going out… There was no telling for sure. He just didn't want to miss Hux when he changed his location to one near the estate Hux used to live. He could only just pass him by, but not see him at all. No- He best stay here, and wait.
He sat there like a statue, eyes trained on the subway-station. Yesterday Hux had worn something very similar to the uniform that Kylo knew from years ago. This one had been different though, it had more stature. It had evolved with Hux, gaining a sense of importance, more protection, sleeker lines, better fabric… More eye for detail and design. It was more sophisticated than his foot-soldier uniform- It was a set that belonged to a leader- A figure of authority. Hux had come far in the Order, Kylo could tell… It was just like he had always known Hux would be- Strong and intelligent- There was no better fit for such an organization’s ringleader.
He sighed a little and looked up when he heard the telling slam of the latch that closed off the access to the Citadel. Hux was alone. No others, nobody travelling along with him. He was in suit, keeping his head down as he walked off with purpose, phone pressed to his ear as his other hand held onto a pricy looking coat. Kylo sighed out, this was going to be his best chance- Who knew when next Hux would be alone. He got up slowly, stretching the strain out of his limbs, wanting to make a 100% sure he would be able to call on his skills if needed.
He lowered himself from the building he had used to stake out the Citadel and kept his eyes on Hux. He waited until the other walked into one of the many alleys. He wondered where he was going, not that it mattered. Kylo started walking, making sure to keep his distance and stay in the shadows. He wasn't sure when the right moment would be, but it had to be before they got to the larger streets. It wouldn’t be private enough there, too many eyes could see them. He watched Hux turn another corner and quickly rushed towards it before he would lose the man. His red hair was distracting, moving while he was walking, a light bounce to the strands that were combed back to the base of his head. Ren wanted to touch it, hold him close. Everything he had felt six years ago was still there, but it felt so much more intense… Fuelled by a deep and dire need to have him back.
Kylo shouldn’t have allowed for the slip in his focus, a rookie mistake- He had made himself too obvious, especially for a trained fighter like Hux. Just as he snapped his attention back Hux turned sharply, moving right for the jugular. He saw a fist moving towards his face and just managed to dodge it. Hux was still as fast as he knew him to be, striking for weak spots without a blink of hesitation. The blade was out too, trying to hit Kylo at places that his own uniform did not protect. Kylo parried his strikes. He had never sparred with Hux in those months together six years ago, but this actual fight... It made him second-guess his training. He only barely managed to block his attacks. Hux was trying to kill him, really kill him. He was so fast. There was a kick, landing in his stomach, knocking him back. He groaned and fell on the floor, scrambling to pull up his defences. Hux struck again and he caught his hand just before it could get close to the exposed skin under his mask.
"No!"
He hated the sound of his morphed voice at the moment- It did not sound right.
"Bran! Please!"
Hux stilled, blade still out, wrist still in Kylo's fist, even though the pressure relented significantly. He seemed to twitch, looking at the helmet with panicky eyes.
"Don't say that... Who told you to call me that?!"
Kylo grunted when Hux used his free hand to punch him in the ribs.
"Let me take off the helmet. I can explain... Please."
Hux pursed his lips a bit, knowing he could push the blade through now that the other relented some grip. He would only need a quick jab- The other’s reflexes would never be fast enough… And yet he did the opposite He sat back a bit, taking his knee from Kylo's other arm where he had pinned it. Kylo slowly reached up to his head and unlocked the helmet before sliding it off, making Hux gasp and shake his head.
"No... No... You promised it to me..." He sounded pinched. "You promised... You-"
He looked at Kylo's face.
"What have you done?" Hux’s voice tapered off breathlessly.
Kylo looked away. The look on Hux's face was worse in real life than he had pictured it would be. There was so much less anger in there, and so much more despair- Shock. Those pale eyes wide, almost making him those six years younger again.
"I-...I just..." Kylo stuttered. "I-I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I just.... It was bad at home. I know that's not an excuse, but..."
Kylo watched Hux retract the brace around his wrist, shakily putting the coat back over his arm. He looked odd, eyes glazed, jaw clenching- Flabbergasted. He didn't want to disappoint Hux, but he really knew that he had and that hurt his heart. Kylo slowly sat up straight again, setting the mask down next to him. He couldn't bear seeing that expression on Hux's face, that open sort of shock and hurt- Not even capable of hiding it. Hux sat there for a moment before he put his hand on Kylo's cheek, thumb under his eye. He almost sobbed a bit but swallowed it away with a curse.
"Ben..." He mumbled. "I'm so sorry..."
He sighed.
"This is all my fault."
He took in a deep breath and lowered his head, hand slipping away.
"I made you into this... I wanted better for you and I could not protect you from it."
Kylo inhaled sharply and looked at him with wide eyes. How- How could Hux blame himself for it?
"Bran-"
"No. Don’t- Don’t call me that. Bran is dead. I had to let go of that... He was a child... It's just Hux now..."
Kylo frowned a bit. For him Hux was still Bran, just a change of name wasn’t going to change what he was to him… Just like he would forever be Ben, deep down somewhere. But if he chose to go with Hux, Kylo would respect that.
"It's not your fault."
Kylo looked at Hux, even when the other simply scoffed and shook his head, and loosely grabbed his wrist.
"It's no one’s fault but my own."
Hux looked at where his hand sat around his wrist… Physically connected again. How long had it been since he last felt his touch? He had longed for Kylo’s touch, his warmth, his smiles. Hux looked back up at Kylo. He felt guilty, that he had set things in motion that corrupted the only thing in his world that hadn’t been rotten to the core yet. Ben was no longer Ben- He never would be again.
"If I had known this I should have just taken you with me to the Order. I would have sheltered you- Trained you myself."
Kylo shook his head.
"No, you made the right decision. It was for the best. You had good faith in me- I know that you just wished for me to go on with a normal life. I wanted that too. It was just... Some things happened, and I was weak then, I was lost. You weren’t there to guide me, and I took the wrong road."
Kylo took another deep breath.
"But however much I enjoy seeing your face again- Hearing your voice again too… God I missed that. I need to tell you something. It's important."
Hux nodded, shaking himself out of the last remnants of his stupor and stood, brushing his hands over the fabric of his suit. He wore them even better now, Kylo could definitely tell. It looked more tailored and fit better than the ones he had seen Hux wear before, Hux managed to fill them out now, no longer too narrow and skinny for some parts. He still was a bean-pole though- But a masculine one at that.
"Before you start though… Do you- Are you aware who you work for?" Hux asked him.
Kylo frowned a bit at that.
"I have seen the Supreme Leader many times, he personally mentored me. He oversaw my training every step of the way and he helped me to deal with the backlash of-"
"No... Ben..."
"Kylo Ren- Or well... That's what I go by now. Just like you- I had to change."
Hux swallowed a bit.
"Ren then... Do you know WHO he is? His identity."
Kylo finally made it up to his feet as well, wiping at his clothes, belatedly realizing that he was getting cold there on the street.
"I know him as Master... Why does it matter?"
Hux inhaled deeply and sighed out.
"It's Snoke." He murmured. "I found out yesterday. It was- I couldn’t believe it for the longest while… But it is true, there is too much proof. It’s him. No doubt that he sent you to kill me before I can wheedle him out."
Kylo blinked a few times, looking at the back of Hux's head and then at the ground, trying to grasp the thing he had just heard.
"You killed him." He protested. "You said-"
"I was certain too." Hux interjected. "But this time he played us. I let him. I made it too easy."
Kylo shook his head. He felt he was laughed at again, by someone he trusted. Someone he had put his faith in, when he needed them. Kylo put a hand over his face and let out a crazy sounding laugh. Hux turned around and looked at him, worried. He knew it might be hard for Kylo, to get such a bomb dropped on him- Given that he had found his stability in Snoke of all people. He had turned to the one that had torn them away from each other.
"Then everything I did, all the good I thought I did, was for that man?"
Kylo leaned against the wall behind him, somewhere between crying and laughing maniacally.
"He knew exactly how to play his cards right." Hux sighed.
"I'm so stupid. He knows everything. I gave him so much information on the Order… On my mother… On everyone with power."
Hux shook his head.
"He knows a lot, but not everything."
Kylo grit his teeth and huffed.
“Pray tell, what does he NOT know?”
Hux smiled thinly.
"There is one benefit." He mumbled. "He does not know about us. He never did. It is the one blind spot that broke him up time and time again. He doesn’t know what you mean to me, and hopefully what I mean to you."
He sighed then and embraced Ren.
"You've outgrown me." He said when he noticed the slight height difference.
It was two inches at most, but just enough to be noticeable, just enough that Hux had to stand on his toes to lean his chin on Kylo’s shoulder. Kylo smiled and put his hand on Hux's waist.
"Yes. It appears I have."
He shook his head and looked at Hux's face, cupping a hand over his cheek. Six years of change and yet he could still find all the features he loved.
"What do we do?" He asked.
"You are not going to like it." Hux mumbled, stepping back. "I'm going to kick your ass. So that you can report to Snoke that you failed and he will buy it."
Kylo sucked in his cheek. He had never failed. Failure was not an option, he kept going until he achieved what he needed, nobody had bested him- Ever.
"And if it's any consolation you can hit me back."
Kylo shook his head.
"No! I've seen you in pain too often already! I don't want to be the cause of it."
Hux hummed a bit and they both fell quiet. It had been so long, yet the trust was still unconditional, their bond too.
"We need to." Hux said then. "We can meet in the Old City... Where we used to... I will bring things to tend to the wounds we need to afflict. Snoke would smell trouble if I would come away without even a scratch."
He sighed and looked in Kylo's eyes, a bitter determination hardening his face.
"For the greater good Ren." He said softly. "Only ever for the greater good."
Kylo smiled lightly.
"Indeed."
He sighed a bit and stepped back a bit.
"What are you waiting for? I might change my mind, so let's get on with it."
Hux took a small breath.
"For what it's worth I'm sorry I have to do this."
Kylo shook his head.
"I know you would not do it if we had another choice… Same goes for me of course."
He waved his hand and let out a huff.
“Whenever you’re ready.”
Hux nodded grimly, tightening his fist and swinging at Kylo hard as he could. Kylo hissed when the first hit landed in his stomach. This was going to hurt. He knew it had to be bad, because his Master, no- Not Master- Snoke, would never believe Hux to go soft on someone. So he let Hux beat him, kick his ass. After a few punches Kylo found the resolve to hit him back. He knew that he would have to, if Hux walked away unscathed it would look like bullshit, Kylo was trained too after all. He did not pull punches, even at the sound of pained groans. Hux’s treatment of him the same. Eventually he had left a solid set of bruises on Hux and one set of dark finger-marks around his neck. He knew that there were cuts and slices too, parts of the suit ruined with bloody stains. There was no damage to Kylo's face, Snoke would need to think he'd kept the mask on. Eventually Hux rammed him against the wall and huffed.
"This will hurt." He apologized before stabbing the blade in Kylo's back, avoiding the vital organs with calculated precision.
Kylo cried out in pain and pushed Hux off before slumping back a bit.
"Augh... That's- That's enough." He whimpered. "We both- We’re both ruined enough."
Hux straightened and nodded, absently touching the strangle marks Kylo had left on his neck- He could feel them when he swallowed… Kylo was strong.
"You need to flee back to the Citadel." Kylo said. "And I to Snoke."
He grabbed the helmet off the ground and dusted it off a bit, groaning at the sore joints it rattled. Hux chewed on his lip and nodded.
"You have to come to the Old City tonight... Promise me."
Kylo nodded wordlessly, pressuring the wound in his back.
"I promise B- Hux... I'll be there."