Chapter Text
The noise of the cozy Seoul cafe glimmered over Felix’s head faintly.
The buzz of jazz music, softly clanging mugs behind the counter, caffeinated laughter and chatter echoing from every direction.
But Felix wasn’t there. Not really. Well, his body was.
From across the table, Hyunjin could easily view his slouchy grey beanie, his delicately freckled pink cheeks and his own black hoodie, draped sweetly over his love’s shorter frame. He could also recognize the thousand yard stare in Felix’s eyes, which seemed to be frighteningly and increasingly present these days.
In his mind, Felix was not in the cafe. In his mind, Felix was dancing.
The chorus of “MANIAC” played through his brain’s internal speakers. He visualized himself hitting each step of the choreography, sharply and crisply, just like he always could;
Until 2 months ago, when he herniated a disc in his spine and had been largely relegated to the sidelines ever since.
In his daydream, he could feel himself jumping, twisting and bending so freely, like his legs had springs and his body was made of feathers. He could almost hear the booming cheers as he wrapped up dancing the final chorus.
In here, there was no pain. In here, he wasn’t so hun-
“Baby, are you listening?”
Felix blinked and shook his head, violently jerked from his preferable world.
“Sorry Jinnie, I’m just spacey today. What did you say?”
“I asked what you thought about the movie last night.”
“Oh yeah, it was good.”
Hyunjin frowned slightly at the laconic reply, raising an eyebrow.
“What did you like about it?”
Felix wracked his brain to think of the most generic film comment he could make without revealing to his sweet boyfriend that he had not been focused throughout any of the 2 hour run time. He knew that Pride and Prejudice was one of Hyunjin’s favorite movies, and, if pressed, Felix could not even give an overview of the plot.
“The cinematography was beautiful.”
Hyunjin continued to lean forward, expectantly. Felix knew he was not off the hook.
“Honestly, late at night, sometimes it’s hard for me to follow the dialogue. There were a lot of complex words, you know?”
A look of understanding and slight guilt crept onto Hyunjin’s face.
“Angel, why didn’t you say something? I would have turned on English captions.”
Felix was not entirely lying- it was difficult for him to follow wordy Korean films late at night, but that was not why he hadn’t the slightest idea of who the main characters had been or what they were doing. He might’ve seen a kiss at some point? Weren’t they wearing 19th century clothing?
Felix felt a pang of guilt himself, knowing that Hyunjin felt needlessly bad for not being more mindful of his limited knowledge of more ornate Korean linguistics.
“It’s okay! I could’ve said something myself. The film was really pretty. I can see why you love it so much.” Felix smiled, hoping to appease his boyfriend, whose lips were drawing downwards slightly at this moment of disconnection.
“Hey Felix.”
Hyunjin pointed at the plate containing a chocolate croissant across the table,
“Why aren’t you eating?”
From one difficult topic to the next today, Felix thought to himself. He made sure to smile.
“Oh, I’m just not really hungry yet. I had so much popcorn last night.”
He winced at his own poorly constructed lie, knowing that Hyunjin had witnessed his meager popcorn consumption and surely could not be gaslit only the morning after.
“No, you didn’t. You had maybe a quarter of a bowl.”
Man, Hyunjin really paid attention to the details.
“Really, why aren’t you eating, baby? Are you okay?”
Felix sighed, slightly irritated with Hyunjin for loving him so much that he could not let this go.
Felix knew well that Hyunjin had always kept an eagle-eye on his eating habits, ever since he had survived through that pesky period of self-loathing and starvation during the band’s debut period.
After he had been temporarily eliminated and systematically told that he was not good enough and not smart enough and too big, he had taken it upon himself to prove the world wrong. But when he did, although the company was over-the-moon that he had improved his Korean and lost so much weight, apparently he had gone about it the ‘wrong way’.
Since that one irksome night 3 years ago when he fainted during dance practice, none of his fellow members could seem to let their worries go. Least of all, Hyunjin.
“I’m okay, I promise. I just don’t need quite as much food these days. I’m not moving as much as I used to…”
He trailed off, biting his lip to stop any semblance of emotion from escaping.
“Jagi, even if you’re not dancing right now, that’s not a reason to skip breakfast.”
Ow. Ow. Ow. ‘You’re not dancing’ stung Felix’s soul. Though on a very restricted level, he had been dancing nearly every day, painstakingly learning all of the group’s choreography from his secluded corner of the practice room. But he knew his boyfriend didn’t mean anything by it- he was just worried and forgot to choose his words carefully.
“Oh no, I’m not skipping meals on purpose or anything. You know I don’t do that anymore. I’m just not hungry right now because I haven’t been doing much this week. Plus, the nurse said…”
Felix shut his mouth tightly, knowing that he had made a grave error with that last fragment of a sentence.
“The nurse said what?”
Hyunjin cocked his head intently. The sunglasses perched atop his glossy curtain bangs shifted with it.
“Oh, just that my needs have changed you know?”
“I don’t follow.”
Hyunjin was pretty sure he was following, but he really hoped he was wrong.
“Well, he sort of warned me that if I’m not careful.. since I’m not dancing hard right now, and with the meds, and how I’m stuck in bed sometimes..”
Felix paused, knowing that there was no way to end this sentence that would get him out of this mess.
“That you’ll gain weight?” Hyunjin knowingly finished the thought seamlessly.
Felix just nodded and shrugged uncomfortably.
“They should have never said that to you.” Hyunjin fumed and shook his head, chuffing incredulously at the cruelty of the company’s medical staff.
“They know you’ve struggled with eating before. And things have been hard enough for you already lately. They should never ever scare you like that. Please, eat your croissant so I know he didn’t get into your head too much?”
Hyunjin took Felix’s hand tenderly and rubbed his thumb over his fingers.
“Seriously, Jinnie. I’m fine. I don’t think that way anymore. I’m just focused on getting healthy again. But if you need proof..”
Felix tore a piece of the croissant with his teeth, chewing and smiling. Hyunjin smiled back, relieved.
What Hyunjin didn’t know is that with that one bite of chocolate goodness, Felix’s legs were practically vibrating under the table.
—————
Two weeks ago, Felix had attended that fateful doctor's appointment to review his latest MRI results as well as his plans for physical therapy, medication and nutrition. In his recap to Hyunjin, he had considerably softened the medical staff’s verbiage.
Alone and vulnerable in nothing but the paper hospital gown that he had worn to have the MRI taken, the nurse had actually warned Felix;
“The meds make you hungrier. Watch it.” Patting Felix’s tummy twice with a firm hand before exiting the room.
At that very instant, Felix relapsed.
Not physically yet; he still had a stomach full of bulgogi from lunch when he exited the doctor’s office. But mentally, he was spiraling faster, harder and deeper into a breathless panic than he had ever experienced before.
His tears had welled up as soon as the nurse shut the door, and Felix managed to choke them away for the 15 minutes it took him to get the discharge paperwork and return home.
He figured that if no one saw him cry, no one could ask what was wrong and intervene and stop him from solving the problem at hand.
When Felix returned to the dorms, his throat was sore from holding in the pressure of devastation. He rushed to the bathroom and locked the door behind him, unsure of when Seungmin would return home from his schedule.
He locked eyes with himself in the mirror, and suddenly saw nothing but chubby cheeks and a pudgy jawline. It was as if his face had transformed entirely since his shower just that morning. The perceptual shift was more than jarring. He quickly placed his head in his hands to blind himself from the image.
‘No, you have to see the damage you’ve done. See what happens when you lay around eating for 2 months. The nurse wouldn’t tell you to ‘watch it’ for no reason. Strip and open your eyes, lazy pig.’
Felix flinched at the ferocity of his internal monologue. That abusive voice had been mute for some time now, but it was suddenly deafeningly loud. He obeyed it nonetheless. It had been backed up by a real, live, external human being today. He had no choice.
Felix shakily removed his shirt, then slid off his pants, and took a deep breath before meeting his enemy in the mirror once more.
All that Felix could feel was disgust. That’s what the voice was telling him to feel anyways. And it was relentless.
‘Your muscle tone is practically gone. Look at your flabby arms. Your thighs are almost touching again. Remember how they used to rub together? Your hips are so wide, you almost have love handles. They’re going to put you in long shirts again so no one has to look at you. Where are your collar bones? And look at that full stomach. No wonder the nurse patted it like that, it looks soft enough.’
Felix sunk onto the tile floor in a crumple of overwhelming despair. He felt a shock of deep pain shoot from his back to his feet at the harsh impact. The tears began pouring down his beautiful, freckled face and threatened to never stop. The healthy voice in his head began attempting to save him;
‘Why did the nurse have to say that? That wasn’t fair.’
The sick voice offered its cruel rebuttal:
‘Hyunjin is coming over tonight. Hasn’t he noticed how you look lately? How your body feels?’
Felix shivered at the sneering voice taunting him but accepted it as truth, all the same. He grabbed the skin of his folded tummy and sobbed harder, imagining Hyunjin’s sculpted body and lithe hands tugging disappointedly at his softness.
‘But what do I do?’ he begged to himself internally. ‘My body is broken now. I can’t run for miles or do a million crunches in my room like I used to. I can barely dance.’
This final point made him gasp for breath through the tears. It was too much.
‘You know the answer. No more food.’
As this demanding thought made itself known, Felix heard the front door to the dorm unlock.
Seungmin, damnit.
Felix quickly redressed without looking in the mirror. By now, he had gotten the point. He knew what he needed to do.
When he took a glance at his face, his swollen eyelids, red scleras and salty tear stains stared back at him. He splashed cold water to wipe away the evidence, and patted himself dry.
“Yongbok-ah, are you here?”
Felix drew in a deep breath, settling his fried vocal cords.
“I’m here! Just in the bathroom. I’ll be out in a minute!”
Felix entered the living room to face his roommate, hoping that the tracks of his tears would go unnoticed.
They didn’t.
“How did your appointment go?” Seungmin traced his eyes over his best friend’s face and worry suddenly colored his own.
“Yongbokkie, have you been crying?”
‘So much for the cold water’, Felix thought.
“A little yeah. It just wasn’t the news I wanted.” Felix meant this in more ways than one, but he would tell at least part of the truth.
“Oh shit, what did they say?”
“The inflammation is still there, still pressing on the nerves. They told me it’s getting to the point where they think it’s a chronic herniation. If it was going to heal, it would have by now.” Felix sniffled, his nose still plugged from crying about something else entirely.
Seungmin’s face dropped. Both roomies had been waiting on the results of this scan for a month now. Seungmin had prayed that Felix’s condition would heal itself, like the doctors had initially expected.
“Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” Seungmin rasped in English, feeling that Felix deserved the maximum impact of his apology via his native tongue.
Seungmin looked like he might cry too. He stepped forward and gently wrapped his arms around Felix’s upper back.
Seungmin had cared for Felix on an uncountable number of occasions over the past two months, when he returned from his schedules in agony and needed help just getting back to baseline.
He was there on many sleepless nights, giving Felix his medication, his heating pad, wrapping him in his back brace, and even helping him sit up out of bed or onto his feet when the pain was especially unbearable.
Felix had initially resisted this care, feeling pathetic and embarrassed, until he realized how much his quality of life improved when he stopped being so stubborn and let his loved ones help a little. Since this acceptance, their relationship had strengthened immensely, and a lot of humor had come back into their interactions, infusing even the worst of times with a little joy.
At this moment, with his arms still wrapped around him, Seungmin felt some solace in how Felix had at least grown used to asking for and receiving help over the past months. The relief he felt from lessening Felix’s pain even a little bit in those moments was colossal, and he knew he would continue to help as long as he was allowed to. He was just devastated to think that his friend might have to deal with this for the rest of his life.
He knew that Felix was most bothered by the feeling of losing control over his body, and that sensation being permanent? He couldn’t imagine dealing with it if he was in the same position.
“Do you want to pick a movie tonight? I can make dinner and we can just stay here.”
‘Dinner’- the word circled around Felix’s mind anxiously, even cutting through the endless kindness of his roommate.
“Minnie, you’re so sweet. Hyunjin is coming over tonight- don’t worry about me. Maybe you should go out, do something fun, get a break from all the sadness around here.”
“You don’t make me sad, Yongbok.” Seungmin reassured sternly.
“Still, it’s good for you to get out a little. Unless you want Jinnie and I to sandwich you and snuggle you to death.” Felix winked.
“Okay, okay, I get the message. I’ll go see Bin-hyung. I don’t think he’s busy.”
“You would know his schedule.” Felix winked again.
Seungmin held up a fist jokingly, although these days, he would never hit his roommate, even in jest.
————-
An Hour Later...
A light triple knock landed on the door. Felix hopped to his feet in excitement, wincing at the electricity bounding down his right leg.
He knew Hyunjin’s knock by heart.
“Hey, love.” He kissed Hyunjin on the cheek.
“Hey baby, I brought dinner. I thought you might be hungry after your appointment.”
Felix’s eyes locked on the box in Hyunjin’s hand.
“Pizza?”
“I know you love it. I figured some food that reminds you of home might be comforting for tonight.”
Felix wanted to melt into Hyunjin’s thoughtfulness just like the cheese onto the pizza. But the evil words from the mirror continued to ring;
‘Hasn’t he noticed how you look lately? How your body feels?’
Felix wanted to draw out this conversation as long as possible until he could think of a way out.
“Reminds me of home? Isn’t pizza from Italy?”
“Australia, Italy. Same difference.”
Felix and Hyunjin shared a laugh until Felix frowned with guilt pressing into his lips.
“Jinnie, you are so thoughtful but Minnie and I just ate dinner before he left. I’m still full.”
The lies begin again. Felix could feel his stomach drop. This was familiar in the worst way.
Hyunjin scanned Felix’s face carefully, top to bottom, always on the lookout for food-related deceit. He accepted the explanation, knowing that Seungmin had been cooking them dinner most nights recently.
“Well I’m starving, so I’m going to have some. I’ll save a few slices for you in case you’re hungry later.”
Felix smiled and took Hyunjin’s hand, leading him through the Happy House and into his bedroom.
————-
Felix grabbed the remote from his desk, clicking the TV on to show Hyunjin the anime romance he had been watching.
He then bounced carelessly onto the bed and for the first time today, a spasm wrenched through his back, triggering an involuntary whimper and a tight grimace.
“Baby, no.” Hyunjin verbally protested against the pain, scooting across the bed to gently stroke through Felix’s hair. As the invisible hands clenching his spinal cord released their grip, Felix felt Hyunjin’s fingers making light circles between his shoulders.
Amidst the emotional turmoil, he hadn’t taken his afternoon medication. It was supposed to be taken with food and that fact had slipped Felix’s mind until now.
Without eating, the opiates could make him very nauseous and fairly intoxicated. And he needed them, badly.
“What do you need?” Hyunjin sounded a little desperate. He had frequently handled Felix’s emotional pain related to the injury, but picking up the pieces of the physical damage was generally left to Seungmin.
“I forgot to take my meds when I got home. They’re on the kitchen counter, if you wouldn’t mind grabbing them.” Felix pouted cutely.
“Pshh” Hyunjin scoffed at the suggestion that he could ever be inconvenienced by helping the love of his life.
Hyunjin returned quickly with a glass of water and the Vicodin.
Felix swallowed them gratefully and interlocked his fingers with Hyunjin’s, closing his eyes in an attempt to ride out the next 30 minutes before the medicine could make an impact.
“Is there anything else we can do?” Hyunjin always referred to them as a team in the context of managing Felix’s problems. Felix found it very sweet.
“Some heat might be nice. The heating pad is under my bed, same as the brace to hold it in place.”
Hyunjin quickly gathered the supplies from under the bed and kneeled carefully behind his boyfriend.
“Okay baby, just put your arms up and I’ll take your shirt off. No twisting.”
Felix froze. While being distracted by his pain, he had forgotten about this part.
‘Hasn’t he noticed how you look lately? How your body feels?’
But also, he really needed the damn heating pad and brace, so he put his arms up and closed his eyes, pretending like an ostrich that if he couldn’t see himself, Hyunjin couldn’t either.
Hyunjin gingerly removed Felix’s shirt and softly pressed the heating pad onto his lower back with his right hand. With his left hand, he aimed to stabilize Felix’s front side before applying the brace.
As soon as his palm made contact with Felix’s tummy, Felix flinched and gently flicked his boyfriend’s hand away with his fingers.
“What are you doing, angel? Did that tickle?”
“A little, sorry.” Felix lied and felt his ears glow red with shame for pushing away his boyfriend who was in the midst of helping him so lovingly.
Hyunjin wrapped the back brace around Felix’s middle and secured it firmly. He didn’t ask how tightly he should pull it, but somehow, he got it perfectly right on intuition alone.
“Anything else before I hold you?”
“Nothing at all.” Felix was tired and he sounded it.
“Do you want to talk about your appointment?”
“Can we save it for another time?”
Hyunjin wrapped his hand around Felix’s shoulders and eased him gently into the pillow. With his free hand, he lifted a piece of pizza out of the box on the side table and nearly moaned as the salty pepperoni made contact with his tongue. He was so hungry.
Twenty minutes into the first episode of the anime, Felix realized that he could no longer track the blurry figures on the television, let alone read the subtitles. He was losing the battle to force his drooping eyes open as Hyunjin absentmindedly braided little plaits into the top of his hair.
“Do you want a piece of pizza before I put it away?”
Felix was high, but the one thing he could still remember was not to eat the damn pizza.
“Noo, s’okay baby. ‘M tired.”
Hyunjin peeked his head over at Felix’s face in mild concern.
“You’re speaking English. The medicine is strong.” Hyunjin answered in English as well, realizing that his messages in Korean may not go through smoothly at this point.
Oops, Felix had not noticed at all that he had slipped into his mother tongue.
“S’rry Jinnie. Love youu. G’night.”
‘Still in English’, Hyunjin chuckled and flipped the light switch.
“I love you, pretty.”
Hyunjin carefully adjusted Felix to lay properly on his stomach to reduce the pressure on his spine and continued stroking his hair until sleep overtook the both of them.
————
When Felix awoke four hours later, his empty stomach was full of regret.
Burning, twisting nausea travelled up his throat and twitched through his ribs. He knew he had little time to spare.
Untangling Hyunjin’s limbs from himself, Felix sprinted into the bathroom, all the while tearing off his back brace and throwing it to the floor so he could bend over the toilet.
The Vicodin that had brought such sweet bliss just hours earlier was slamming into his organs with a sharp wrath.
Hyunjin felt the frantic stir and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and noticing the rumbled blanket next to him.
“Hey Yongbokkie! Are you okay?”
He heard retching and made a B-line for the bathroom. Felix was ghostly pale, his small hands vibrating the porcelain underneath them.
“Oh jagiya...”
Hyunjin got down on the floor with him, rubbing his shoulders gently through the dry heaves. When Felix’s stomach finally allowed him some rest, he turned his head to face Hyunjin and gave a trembling thumbs up.
“What’s going on? Are you sick?”
“I don’t feel warm or anything. I think I got food poisoning- maybe Minnie didn’t cook my chicken quite enough. But don’t tell him I said that. He’d feel so bad.”
Felix bit his lip, feeling the bitter lies accumulating into a spider web that he knew would soon encapsulate everyone he loved.
“Can I get you something to eat? We need to settle your stomach.” Hyunjin laced his fingers onto Felix’s hand and helped turn him so his back was braced against the wall.
At that moment, Felix realized that despite the pounding voice in his mind urging him to starve completely, doing so would not be an option as long as he was taking medication.
He needed to keep his job, sleep, and not scare the shit out of his boyfriend in the middle of the night.
So, he begrudgingly made an internal compromise: He would eat something with his medicine.
“Maybe a banana?” Felix gazed up at Hyunjin with exhausted watery eyes.
“Could I get you some bread too?” Hyunjin was crouched down lovingly, supporting himself with both hands on Felix’s thighs.
“I think that would be too much for my stomach right now.”
“Some coconut milk?”
“Yes, please. I’m sorry for waking you up like this, baby. You have to dance so early today.”
Hyunjin just shook his head and placed a gentle kiss on Felix’s.
“You have to work early too. Don’t apologize for getting sick.”
Hyunjin soon arrived with a banana and a box of coconut milk. Felix felt the internal voice pressing his shaky hand away from his mouth, but persisted nonetheless. After finishing the banana and half of the milk, the couple crawled back into bed.
And that was that. Hyunjin had no suspicions until the day of the chocolate croissant incident.
———-----
One Week Post-Chocolate Croissant...
Seungmin lazily unslung his tote bag from over his shoulder and threw it onto the sofa with a sigh. The slight cold he had been battling had caused his voice to crack several times during his voice lesson, and he was just grateful it was over.
“Yongbok-ah!” He called over his shoulder, seeking the company of his best friend to forget about the disappointment of his day. Maybe they could play League of Legends. Maybe he’d even let his roomie win.
Big maybe.
Somehow, Felix could always make Seungmin feel better. His best friend knew how to read him like none other; When to comfort, when to prod, when to pull back, and when to rope him into a swell of laughter and chaotic antics and forget about the world. And although he loved to poke and tease and nag at times, Seungmin was the same way. He and Felix rode the same wavelength, meshing like glue, in a perfect sequence of give and take, and because of this, they hardly ever argued.
The biggest argument they’d had in the past year was over Felix and his damn cardboard boxes.
See, when Felix grew to enjoy a new product or food or beverage, he could not do so casually. He insisted on buying his new obsessions in bulk and the evidence had begun to pile up in the dorm in the form of unfolded cardboard boxes and packing peanuts. Seungmin, ever the clean and tidy man, had, after a long day for both of them, asked Felix to fold his boxes and take them to the recycling. Felix had leaned back in his gaming chair and sighed dramatically, jokingly.
“Will you do it with me? We can see who can fold more faster? Like a race!”
In that moment, Seungmin was unamused.
“Fold your own damn boxes.” He had stated without a hint of humor and walked straight for his bedroom.
The next morning, the boxes were gone. And later that night, Felix had seemed wary of interacting much with Seungmin, afraid he might still be upset with his negligence of their shared space.
Seungmin had just walked behind the couch, put his hands over Felix’s eyes, and then wrapped his arms around his shoulders and rocked him goofily until they were both laughing and asking each other about their days.
Nothing was ever angry between the two for longer than a few minutes. Even through the trials of managing Felix’s back injury, after some moments of angst and resistance, they had quickly fallen into a new comfortable rhythm when help and care were needed, and that was that. They were simple in the best way possible.
“Bokkie?” Seungmin called again to no response.
It was 5pm, but Seungmin knew it was not unusual for Felix to have long days, especially when working on outside projects. He hummed in sad acceptance and set his sights on the kitchen, wishing that a steaming pot of fish cake soup would magically appear on the table so he did not have to wait until he was done cooking it.
Seungmin’s eye caught a protein bar wrapper on the table and rolled his eyes in annoyance. Felix tried his best to pick up after himself, but dammit, he still had his moments.
Seungmin picked up the wrapper and threw it in the trash, then paused at the mountain of garbage rising above the can. He was still adjusting to taking over the “bending down” and “lifting up” chores that Felix could no longer do, and he had let the situation under the sink go for far too long.
Seungmin pulled at the strings of the trash bag. It didn’t budge. Seungmin groaned and rolled his eyes. This day was feeling lonely and far too long. He heaved the strings harder and to his dismay, the bag dislodged with frightening speed, dumping garbage all over the pristine kitchen floor.
“Aish! Really?!”
Still shaking his head in disbelief, Seungmin sat on his knees and began the nasty task of placing each piece of trash back into the plastic bag. Until something caught his attention. ‘Is that?..’
With 2 fingers, he examined the item, holding it close to his face as though he did not believe what he saw. The chocolate coating was still intact, as was the rest of the bar. The protein bar.
‘Why is there a full protein bar in the garbage?’
Someone could have taken a bite and decided it tasted like chalk and vitamins and thrown it away, but.. There were no bite marks.
‘The wrapper..’ Seungmin pursed his lips as the puzzle pieces began clicking into place. His face fell, his eyes closing with a slow and heavy sigh.
He realized in that moment that the protein bar wrapper was not a hasty mistake that Felix had made after breakfast. It was a show. A show for one.
A show for Seungmin.
A few words crawled through his mind and murmured downward towards the tile.
“Again. It’s happening again.”
———
The Following Monday..
Seungmin had quickly made up his mind. He had to do something. Check in with someone.
With the current state of his roommate’s health, he knew that Felix could not afford a relapse and that he was careening into one quickly and eerily silently.
Seungmin also inferred that Felix’s first brush with his disorder had taught him what not to do next time. How not to raise suspicions. How not to get caught. How to lie through his teeth.
He thought about the tender conversation they’d had shortly after Felix’s injury, and one phrase blared through his brain like a siren;
“So much is out of my control now.” Felix had lamented.
The following morning, Seungmin arrived early for dance practice, unsure of his course of action, but steadfast that he would not let his best friend slip through the cracks.
Loosening the navy scarf around his neck and pulling down his baseball cap slightly, Seungmin entered the dance room to find Hyunjin sitting in the room alone, locked in a rather uncomfortable-looking wall split.
Still, he looked unnervingly cozy, with his sleek bun pressed into the floor, his warm sweats, and his hands lying still on his tummy with his eyes shut blissfully. It almost looked like he was in a trance, and Seungmin worried greatly about making him jerk in this precarious position.
Instead, he let out a small cough politely to announce his presence.
“Oh hey, Minnie! Come stretch with me.” Hyunjin patted the floor next to himself.
“Well I’m not doing.. that, but.” Seungmin gestured at Hyunjin’s intense pose but walked over nonetheless and sat in a lazy butterfly position.
Hyunjin closed his eyes again, completely unprepared for the conversation Seungmin had been hurriedly planning.
“Hyunjin?”
“Yeah?”
“How has Yongbok been doing?”
Hyunjin furrowed his eyebrows hard and raised a lip in confusion.
“You live with him.”
“Yah, he’s barely around to tell me anything. He’s always with his pabo boyfriend.”
Hyunjin laughed with an eye roll chock full of sass.
“He’s been doing alright Min. Maybe a little spacey lately but he’s had to adjust to so much so fast, you know?”
Seungmin nodded.
“But he’s been okay since he recovered from that chicken you undercooked.” Hyunjin shot a cheeky grin.
Seungmin’s eyebrows shot in opposite directions in complete bewilderment.
“Undercooked chicken? What do you mean?”
Hyunjin turned his head to show Seungmin an equally lost expression.
“A week or so ago? When Felix got food poisoning after you cooked chicken for dinner?”
Seungmin just shook his head.
“I haven’t cooked chicken in months.”
Startled, Hyunjin pulled his legs back together more quickly than he should have. He didn’t even register the strain in his groin over the panic building in his chest.
“You haven’t cooked chicken..”
“No Hyunjin, I haven’t cooked chicken. And I didn’t hear a word about ‘food poisoning’ either. What did you actually see?”
‘Actually’ was a poignant word for both of them. It filled the air with the knowledge that Felix had lied, and that the lie was related to food, and that they could only trust their own eyes from here out.
Hyunjin drew up his best recollection of the night to relay.
“I came over that night with pizza. Bokkie said he already had chicken with you. Then he took his meds and passed out watching Netflix.” He paused, making sure his memory was perfectly accurate, not wanting to add to the growing confusion in the room.
“Then a few hours later, I woke up to him puking his guts out in the bathroom. He said it must have been the chicken you made. I gave him a banana and coconut water and we went back to bed.”
Seungmin nodded, digesting the information. As he threaded the pieces together, one stood out above all others.
“So he didn’t eat dinner, and told you he did.”
Hyunjin grimaced in agreement.
“And then he took his pain meds?”
Hyunjin just nodded, his eyes shut tightly.
“Case closed, Hyunjin. He can’t take those meds on an empty stomach or.. that will happen.”
Hyunjin slapped a furious palm into the dance floor.
“I knew that fucking nurse got in his head!”
“What nurse? What did they say?”
The two men had never been so poorly out of synchronicity and so desperate to get back into it.
“The nurse from his last appointment, when they did the scans. He told Yongbok that he doesn’t need to eat as much as normal since he’s not exercising like he was.”
Seungmin’s eyes began to tingle with an emotion he did not recognize. Somewhere delicately balancing between rage, fear, and despair. Nevertheless, he faced Hyunjin again.
“Oh my god.. So they told him his injury has caused permanent damage and then told him to eat less? All in one appointment?”
Hyunjin’s jaw dropped, his eyes stretched open tightly.
“Permanent damage?” His lip trembled immediately and tears began flowing out of both eyes quickly and mercilessly.
“He didn’t tell you about the results of the scan?” Seungmin immediately knew this was a stupid question and wanted to shove it back in his mouth.
But Hyunjin didn’t look annoyed with him. He just looked broken. He sniffled, insistently speaking through gasps.
“I guess not.” He threw his hands up in dismay.
“He didn’t want to talk about it on the day of, and when I asked about it later, he just said that they helped him work out a new plan for physical therapy. God, Minnie, I should have asked more questions. I know he hates to complain. Hates to worry me.”
Hyunjin placed his wet face in his hands, needing to dull the flow of tears before the work day began.
“Oh, my angel.” He whispered with so much love and anguish that Seungmin felt a new and overwhelming urge to physically comfort his hyung.
He moved over behind Hyunjin’s back and began rubbing his hand gently over his hyung’s shoulders.
At any other moment, this would be totally deranged. Both parties were not fans of skinship outside of their significant others, but something about the situation had cracked the rules and thrown them out the window like a broken doll.
——————
30 Minutes Later
As dance practice dragged on despite the circumstances (as always), and the ragged energy exploded passionately from Hyunjin’s limbs, he knew that he had to calm down.
Yes, Felix had lied to him. Yes, that was wrong. But even more so, it was scary, because Felix was not a liar. In fact, Hyunjin trusted his boyfriend with his life.
In his right mind, Felix told the truth even when it wasn’t asked for or particularly welcomed. Hyunjin would not describe his partner as blunt or brutally honest, but he was unapologetically truthful.
In the event of any argument or misunderstanding, Felix would immediately approach Hyunjin with complete sincerity, willingness to listen, and an eagerness to accept responsibility where it was due (and even when it wasn’t).
He was the first to apologize for snapping in frustration during practice, for becoming sensitive and teary while recording his lines, and for using Hyunjin’s hair brush and forgetting to put it back in its rightful place. This had happened more than once.
Felix was always the first to tell Hyunjin when his feelings were hurt, the first to ask what was bothering him, and the first to beam with a smile when he realized an argument was being resolved and that he would soon be welcomed back into Hyunjin’s arms. He valued genuineness, empathy and communication above all.
As Hyunjin spotted his darling smiling tiredly at him through the mirror while marking the choreography from the corner with as much energy as his body allowed, he knew that the person who told those lies was not entirely Felix.
His mind had been compromised. Wiretapped. The sickness that had brought him crashing to the floor years ago had returned with a vengeance. And unlike Felix, it was a cruel and malevolent liar.
Moreover, Hyunjin knew he was not the primary target. Only a casualty. The illness would seek to push Hyunjin away and keep him out of the loop of Felix’s decline. But it wanted to kill Felix. His love. His forever. His angel.
The dance instructor abruptly yanked his phone out of the cord connected to the speaker, sending a deafening screech through the air.
“Sorry! You’re done for the day, boys. VENOM is looking very clean, the formations are much better. Get some rest. And Felix-“
Felix’s eyes launched toward the instructor- he had not been addressed directly in so long that his heart bounded in surprise.
“You’ll be rejoining us on the floor for the next round of rehearsals, yes? With modifications, of course.”
Felix gulped and blinked as if he was trying to lift off.
“Yes sir, I’m cleared for everything except for jumping, getting on the floor, and twisting.”
“So everything but dancing..” The instructor muttered in an irritated whisper. From his spot in the back of the room, Felix did not hear him. Hyunjin and Minho sure did. They locked eyes in disbelief but both sealed their lips shut. This was not the time to aggravate the situation- the pot would surely explode with any more stirring.
“It’s a relief you’ll be back soon. It will take time to put you back in the formations and practice enough to make sure you aren’t all running into each other.” He said this part at an audible volume.
“Yes, I am looking forward to it!” Felix smiled weakly, a slight twitch forming under his eye. When had everyone gone stiff as statues?
The dance instructor briefly grinned, though the expression didn’t even attempt to reach his eyes and was gone as soon as it arrived. He jingled his keys and walked out of the room. The dancers regained their ability to breathe in his absence- the tension had stolen the remaining air from the stuffy, sweaty room.
Seconds later, an opposite genre of smile overtook Jeongin. His white teeth beamed as his eyes became foxy crescents and he jogged straight toward Felix before slowing carefully into a gentle hug.
“I’m getting my favorite hyung back. I’ve really missed watching you dance.”
“You’re so sweet, Innie.” Felix stuck out his bottom lip in tender appreciation, using one arm to balance on IN’s shoulder while the other petted his dongsaeng’s head instinctively.
“Favorite hyung?!” Changbin’s voice hit a pitch never heard by dogs in his staged outrage, hand clutching his invisible pearls in disgust.
“Oh Binnie-hyung— when you start giving me daily massages and paying for my dinners like Bokkie does, I promise I’ll take notice.” IN smirked deviously, awaiting punishment.
“I’ll do you one better. How about a free ride right now?”
Without warning, Changbin lunged at IN, who was now detached from Felix, and picked him up by his thighs, swinging his head and chest over his shoulders in a ridiculous fireman’s carry. IN bursted out in incredulous laughter, swatting at his hyung’s back fiercely as they exited the practice room.
As the others packed their bags to trudge to the dorms for the night, Felix suddenly noticed Hyunjin staring at him even more intensely than usual with his back against the mirror.
Hyunjin shook out his shoulders and breathed deeply, reminding himself of the emotional processing he had accomplished at the beginning of practice. He swallowed his thoughts and feelings deep into his stomach and approached Felix with a calm and composed expression.
“Hi baby.”
“Hi Jinnie,” Felix wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s damp waist and sunk his head into his neck in pure trust and exhaustion. Hyunjin swiped Felix’s hair out of his eyes delicately and placed a kiss on his golden forehead.
“Tonight, you have physical therapy. Tomorrow morning, I have a cover shoot. Do you have a schedule for tomorrow afternoon?”
Felix shot up from Hyunjin’s neck in glee. As their careers had advanced, the couple’s date opportunities had become few and far between.
“I don’t!” Even after 2 years of being together, Felix’s excitement was palpable.
“Let’s go for a picnic. I’ll pack and we’ll eat at the Han River.”
‘Picnic’. ‘Eat’. Felix’s ears were ringing a little. He figured he would time his medication with the picnic to ensure that he had a good enough reason to eat just enough not to rouse any suspicion.
He loved Hyunjin so vehemently; even the cruel voice invading every fiber of his being would never convince Felix to spend even a moment apart from his love when they had the rare chance to sit in nature, hand in hand.
He would always fight for that.