Chapter Text
The credits began to play on the movie they had been watching for the past two hours and for some reason, Sakuya felt himself instantly tense.
"Well, I'm going to go take a shower and turn in for the night" Sion announced with a big yawn. Sakuya felt the tenseness in his body instantly escalate. It made no sense why he felt his heart begin to race, his breath catch in his throat, the feeling of imminent doom loom over him. But then again, that had been happening a lot lately and it never made sense.
Sion stood up to leave and Sakuya, who had been leaning heavily on him, fell heavily against the couch. A feeling of dark emptiness swallowed him up as Sion left the room, taking his calm, pine scent with him. Sakuya watched him leave, feeling oddly abandoned like a child left at school for the first time. The thought was so ridiculous that he pushed it away.
"Saku, want to play with us?" Ryo asked eagerly, holding out an extra game controller as he and Riku turned the movie off and set up a video game. Normally, he would play but right now he felt drained and tired.
"Nah.....I'm pretty tired. I think I'm going to bed," Sakuya said. It wasn't entirely a lie. Even though he had been nestled up against Sion for the past two hours he already knew he was going to do the weird thing he did now before he went to bed. His own scent, normally a rich citrusy bergamot, which had been progressively fading in the past weeks, gave a weak attempt at a flare when he thought of his guilty pleasure. It stunk.
"Are you okay?" Ryo asked, his brow furrowed in concern for a second, smelling Sakuya's off scent.
Sakuya gave him a big smile that he didn't feel; he was getting quite good at that. "Course I am," he said brightly. "Just tired."
"Okay, if you're sure," Ryo said, still looking slightly concerned. But then Riku started the game without warning and Ryo rushed to catch up and Yushi and Jahee were occupied with their phones, giving Sakuya the perfect opportunity to slip out unnoticed.
Sakuya slipped out of the living room and into the hallway where everyone had left their things after practice. He looked behind him every three seconds just to be sure that no one was around as he scanned the bags for Sion's. Locating it, he knelt down and unzipped it, his heart hammering in his chest. He could smell a wave of Sion's scent as he opened his bag and dug inside. Finding his workout clothes, he quickly scooped them up. He resisted the urge to take a big whiff right then and there but it was too risky. If someone caught him doing that, there would be absolutely no explanation for why he was doing it. It was definitely not alpha behavior. If he got caught, whoever it was would know there was something wrong with him.
Sakuya held the clothes close to him and scurried off to his room. He hid the clothes underneath his blanket so he could get ready for bed without worrying he'd be caught red handed. Ryo was likely going to be occupied with his video game for awhile but Sakuya couldn't take a chance that he'd come in here for something. He could only enjoy this weird thing he was doing once all the lights were out.
Sakuya quickly changed into his pajamas and turned out the lights. In the quiet and the dark, he reached under the covers, pulled out Sion's clothes and pressed them to his face. As the deepened pine scent went up his nose and into lungs, everything calmed a bit. It wasn't as good as being close to Sion, hugging him or being pressed close to him, but if he got his sweaty clothes then the scent was heavier and almost as good as the real thing. Embarrassing, even to himself but he couldn't risk Sion asking why he had suddenly gotten clinger than usual by wanting to be with him all the time, especially when he didn't understand it himself. So, he had developed a habit of stealing Sion's clothes. And he didn't always remember to return them. In fact, right now, he had a stash of them crammed between his bed and the wall, deep down where no one could see them but he could still smell them. He should return them, he knew, but just having them there calmed him in a way he couldn't understand. When the scent began to fade, that's when he would remember to return them and then begin hoarding a fresh stash.
Sakuya was an alpha but clearly nature had gotten something wrong because lately he did not feel or act like one at all. When he had presented two years ago, he did feel like one. He had strong ruts and that were on a predictable schedule. His scent, though calming, was strong and Yushi and Riku, the group's omegas, loved it. They would often ask him to scent them before they went into heat which he was happy to do. He naturally felt drawn to taking care of them and the others and he enjoyed the feeling of being a protector. He was strong, healthy and confident in his role as an alpha.
But a few months ago something had gone wrong. All of his confidence and strength had begun to crumble. He began to be plagued by horrible anxiety and worry. He was filled with the sense that something was always wrong and that he wasn’t safe. Instead of feeling like a protector, he felt like he needed protecting. All of this was subtle enough that no one else noticed. Sakuya did his best to make sure that it stayed that way. He might have been a little quieter, a little more reserved, but overall most people couldn't tell anything was amiss. As he worked harder to appear okay on the outside, on the inside his anxiety increased. His rut had stopped coming even though he was over a month due for one. His strong scent had slowly begun to fade until people who didn't know him began to mistake him for a beta, it was so faint. The last time Yushi had gone into heat, Sakuya had tried to scent him but he just couldn't do it. Try as he might he couldn't even produce the smallest bit of scent. It was humiliating even though Yushi had been super kind about it. He was an alpha that couldn't even scent an omega. He was completely broken.
Cue his new obsession with Sion.
It wasn't a conscious decision that he had made; it had just happened. He and Sion had always been close; they all had. They had plenty of what the fans dubbed skinship. But it had always been more Sion who had initiated physical contact with him, hugging him, laying on him, cuddling him, even sometimes to the point of annoyance for Sakuya. But slowly it began to be that Sakuya was the one craving it. He clung to Sion; not in an obvious way but he definitely began to seek him out more. He didn't know why but when he was with Sion he just felt better. His anxiety eased, his body let go of its tension; he felt safe with Sion in a way that he didn't feel safe anymore anywhere else. Then, he noticed Sion's smell started to smell different to him. Sion had always smelled pleasant to him, earthy tones that reminded him of outside. But as another alpha, he had not been drawn to the scent. He did not seek it out; he didn’t LONG for it, for sure. Alphas just didn't do that with each other. So, what did it say that he now did long for it, intensely?
Sakuya had begun to panic. He had done what any Gen Z person would have done; he went to the internet for answers. He was seriously beginning to get concerned that he was somehow turning into an omega or something. Was that possible? In the dark of the night he had hidden his phone under the blanket for answers. But, he didn't find any. It wasn't possible to change from an alpha into an omega. Your secondary gender wasn’t something you could change. You could suppress it by taking hormones but you couldn't change it. Confused, Sakuya began to wonder, just for an instant, even though he never let himself even think of it....
Did this have something to do with The-Night-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named?
Just entertaining the thought for one minute had sent Sakuya into such a panic attack that he had woken Ryo up. Ryo had been concerned; too concerned. He had had looked at Sakuya with worry and pity that reminded him of the way that had all looked at him after The-Night-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. That’s why he had worked so hard to be okay. He didn’t want them to look at him that way. He didn’t want them to remember what had happened. He didn’t want to remember it either.
So, he didn’t. His research didn’t pull up any links between trauma and this…whatever this was….anyway. Sakuya had used the calming techniques he’d learned to calm himself, assured Ryo he was okay and cleared his search history.
Even though there was no reason he could see for any of this, Sakuya couldn’t deny the pull was getting stronger. Each day, the need to be with Sion increased. It was fortunate they spent so much time together anyway. When they worked together and lived together there were ample opportunities to cling without it being apparent. But, it escalated. Soon, just sitting next to him at dinner or lying on him during breaks wasn’t enough. Every time Sion left him even to shower or use the bathroom he felt the rising panic claw at his throat. Night was the worst; hours of darkness spread out before him, full of fear and panic. He’d lay in his bed, heart hammering, and throat tight, feeling like crying but unable to do it. Sometimes he’d get up and get in bed with Ryo who had always been a good cuddler. It helped, but the panic stayed in the back of his head like a program that ran continually in the background on your computer until it eventually crashed.
That’s when the clothes stealing began.
Sakuya was so ashamed of himself when it started but it helped too much to stop. He needed some kind of answer to what was going on. He knew this wasn’t normal behavior even for omegas, much less alphas. Omegas would be clingy with alphas, particularly if they were mated or in heat; they didn’t panic when their alpha left the room for five minutes. They would collect clothing but that was for making a nest during heat. They didn’t hide clothing in their bed just to get them through the night. Sakuya was so desperate for a logical explanation he even entertained the idea he might be attracted to Sion. He even went so far as to fantasize about him to see if he felt anything. He didn’t. For some reason unknown, he had just oddly imprinted on his hyung and made a habit of hoarding his dirty laundry.
Sakuya had thought about going to a doctor for help. Maybe he had some kind of hormonal imbalance? But he just couldn't force himself to do that. He couldn't imagine explaining, even to a medical professional, that he was obsessed with his member's alpha scent and had been hoarding his clothing just to stave off his anxiety at night. It was so weird; HE was so weird. So the shame he felt had embedded itself deep, making a home inside him so deeply down in there that even he wasn't fully able to realize that it was there and the damage it was doing.
But right now, he tried not to think of that. Right now, he was alone in his bed where no one could see him or know what he was doing And underneath the covers pulled close to him was Sion's clothes from practice that had a fresh wave of scent, still moist with sweat and full of musk. Sakuya barely recognized the ache of shame he felt as he put them against his face and breathed in deeply. What he felt the most was the way his body relaxed and his heart slowed down. Worry was still there but it was muted enough that he could sleep.
*****
The next morning Sakuya had been doing his best to focus on other things. He had hidden the new clothes with the rest of his stash, having to push pretty hard to make sure everything stayed hidden. They had practice that morning and everyone had been running around taking showers and getting dressed before coming to the table to have breakfast. Sion was the only one not there and Sakuya hated that he was so focused on that. He needed him to show up. He needed Sion to give him one of those big back hugs and lay his head on his shoulder, resting all of his weight on him. The kind where Sakuya would act like he was bothered and annoyed but he really wasn't. All that he had was the faint linger of Sion's smell on the t-shirt he had worn to bed where he had cuddled it all night. He had forgone showering or changing just to keep that small lingering smell. He knew that was pathetic and gross; he hoped that this wasn't a new level of low for him, skipping personal hygiene on top of everything else.
Just then Sion burst into the room. Sakuya immediately felt his spirits lift a bit until he smelled Sion's scent was flared in annoyance. He was holding up his workout bag,
"Okay, who is taking my things?" he demanded, holding up his bag.
Cold panic washed over Sakuya as he looked at the bag. Usually, he took Sion's things out of the laundry room where they had already been discarded among the others' things and were not missed. Last night he had been too bold, taking those clothes straight out of his bag. He honestly didn't think Sion would notice. And if he had, he wasn't sure it would have stopped him. Sion had smelled so good yesterday; he had been in a fantastic mood and his scent was full and rich as he had poured sweat all over those clothes. Sakuya couldn't help himself.
"I'm sure they're around here somewhere. Probably the laundry room. It's been piling up for a while now" Jahee said reasonably.
Sakuya forced himself to look down at his plate. He pretended to be occupied with his food but he couldn't force himself to take a bite, his mouth was too dry. He felt himself begin to sweat and desperately hoped his own scent might flare a bit and cover up any evidence of Sion's smell. He gave himself a whiff; nothing.
"No," Sion insisted. "I had clothes in my bag last night. I know I did, I didn't take them out. Someone went into my bag and took them out on purpose."
"And I did all the laundry yesterday," Yushi said. "I put it in everyone's rooms before we went to practice."
"I'm still missing loads of stuff. Where is it, guys? I need my stuff back!" Sion said irritably.
Sakuya cringed; he looked down at his plate and hoped he appeared unaffected. No one would suspect him right? He was the only other alpha in the group. He was surely the last person they'd suspect. He had to be more careful; he'd gotten careless. But now, how was he supposed to get the stuff back to Sion without being noticed if all of the other laundry was gone? Sakuya could feel the rising feeling of panic in his throat.
Sion softened after a moment of everyone looking awkwardly at each other. "Listen, I'm not mad. I know I probably sounded mad" Sion said. "If someone needed it for a nest or something, that's okay. Just please, return it. You don't even have to wash it, just put it back in my room and I'll look the other way."
Yushi and Riku awkwardly looked at each other and shook their heads as if to confirm neither one of them had taken his stuff for their nests. Not that anyone would specifically call them out about it harshly but naturally they were the first ones looked at as the ones who had taken it. The conversation moved on after that, slowly and awkwardly but it did carry on. Sakuya stared at his plate, pushing food around but being unable to eat anything. Even though he knew no one suspected him of anything and he really should just be happy with that, he couldn't stop worrying about the fact that he was going to have to get rid of HIS nest. Then, that thought was like a punch to the gut.
His nest.....he didn't have a nest. Why had he even thought that? His stash wasn't a NEST. Except, well, it kind of was. It was a hoard of clothing he piled in his bed for comfort and for the smell. Just like an omega. Sakuya flushed; shame and humiliation flooded through him, making him sick. He was so beyond broken. The internet had to be wrong; he had to be turning into an omega. Any day now he'd start gushing slick, he thought with embarrassment. The idea that he was somehow turning into an omega was better than the possibility he wasn't and was just some kind of demented freak.
Sakuya did his best to turn his attention toward practice but it was not a good day. He just didn't have the energy and focus he normally had; it was probably going to go by the wayside like every other good trait he'd had. He got scolded by the instructor on several occasions and the others had to redo dances several times because of him. He felt like a complete failure. The more he got scolded, the worse he got until by the end of the day he could hardly think. The anxiety that lived inside him at all times was rising in a wave. The only good thing was that Sion seemed to feel sorry for him. He put his arm around Sakuya after he got scolded and pulled him close, giving him a reassuring hug. Sakuya closed his eyes and was deeply soaked in Sion's scent. He wanted to be away from there, wanted to be somewhere else where it was just him and Sion and his protective aura and nothing else. Which, of course, just thinking that made him feel pathetic.
Sakuya skipped dinner in favor of taking a shower when he got home. He didn't really want a shower but he wanted to be alone. His chest ached like a great chasm inside him. Everything felt dark and bleak around the edges. Any thought he had was immediately zapped of any positivity. He couldn't even look forward to sleeping with his stash because he was going to have to get rid of it. But just the thought of getting rid of all of it made him feel queasy; maybe he could keep some of it? Just a few things? He had to; he couldn't get rid of it completely.
Sakuya put clean pajamas on and washed up. He smelled clean now but that smell wasn’t comforting. Not only because he didn't smell like Sion but because he didn't smell like ANYTHING. Even when he held the scent gland in his wrist directly to his nose, he smelled absolutely nothing. Sakuya looked at himself in the mirror, his face pale. And not pale in a Korean beauty standards way, but pale as in a sickly way. Was he dying or something? He made up his mind to look up if you lost your scent if you were dying from a terminal illness when he got back to his room.
But he never got a chance to look that up. Because when he got to his room, he wasn't alone. Sion was in his room. He was standing next to Sakuya's bed which was piled high with the stash of Sion's clothing. Sakuya froze, utter panic flooding his body at the realization Sion of all people had found his stash. For a minute, he felt as if he was leaving his body, his mind completely unable and unprepared to deal with this.
He was still frozen there in the doorway when Sion noticed him. When Sakuya saw his face, he wanted to hide. Sion was furious.
Sakuya had never seen him look at him like that. His scent, which had been such a comfort lately, was wrong, flared in an angry, threatening way and it was all directed at him and Sakuya felt the full brunt of it. He and Sion had never had a real argument much less a full on fight like many alphas did. Sakuya felt like that was about to change and he was completely unprepared. If he had been angry too, his own scent might have made an appearance to be threatening. But as it was, he was just terrified. Any alpha part of him felt completely emasculated already; it was not about to make an appearance to challenge Sion.
“What the hell is this?!” Sion demanded, gesturing to the pile. Sakuya couldn’t even look at it; it would have less humiliating if it had been a stack of dirty magazines. At least that would have had a logical explanation.
Sakuya stuttered; his mouth completely dried up as he searched for words, any words.
“Why are you looking through my stuff?” Sakuya eventually squeaked out. It was the wrong words.
Sion’s scent blazed, smelling like a forest on fire. Sakuya clearly felt the threat his pheromones sent out.
“ Your stuff? Your stuff?” Sion asked loudly, getting too close, too in Sakuya’s space. He gestured toward the pile of clothing. “Looks like my stuff to me!”
Sakuya’s brain lagged; the fear inside him had taken over and made his thoughts feel like soup.
“Just so you know, I didn’t come in here to look through your stuff” Sion continued. “Even though that clearly can’t be said for you. I came in here because Ryo said I could borrow his phone charger. And when I came in here to find it, I smelled your stash. I couldn’t understand why your bed smelled so much like me. Then I started digging and found it. You’re lucky Ryo is a beta; your room stinks. You had to have had some of these things in here for weeks. What the hell is wrong with you?!”
Sakuya jumped at the yell. He stared down at the carpet as if he could disappear into it. Sion couldn’t possibly understand how desperately he had been asking himself that question for weeks now and how he still had no answer.
“You have nothing to say?” Sion asked. “You know, I really thought it was Riku or Yushi. Because that makes sense. This….this….doesn’t. What is this? Some kind of disgusting fetish? You have my underwear hidden around here somewhere too?!”
"What? No!" Sakuya stuttered out, feeling his ears heat up with blush. He might not have many standards these days, but that was one standard he did have.
"Are you sure? Because it's weird; it's really weird that you have all of my stuff like this" Sion said with a glaring look.
Sakuya didn't think he had ever been this humiliated in his whole life. He wondered how long this agonizing conversation was going to go on,
"Tell me why you're doing this. I want to know" Sion demanded. His scent was so smoky now that Sakuya could hardly breathe. He would give anything to feel Sion's arms around him and smell his not-angry smell.
"I.....I can't," Sakuya admitted. He didn't want Sion to think he was some kind of weird pervert but he couldn't explain to him why he was doing all of this. He didn't even understand it himself.
"You.....weren't angry.....this morning. You said.....it wasn't.....a big deal" Sakuya said in a quiet voice. Deep down, he knew it was different. He knew it made sense why Sion was kinder when he thought it was the omegas. But that didn't change the fact he wished Sion was treating him like them.
"That's because I thought it was one of the omegas!" Sion yelled. "I never would have thought it was YOU. What kind of alpha are you anyway? This is DISGUSTING."
Sion's words mirrored exactly what Sakuya had been thinking about himself. What kind of alpha was he? Well, he wasn't a very good one. He was weird, disgusting, broken......and now it was just confirmed. His throat tightened up but instead of crying like he wanted to, it just felt like he couldn't breathe,
When Sakuya couldn't respond, Sion lost his temper. He gave Sakuya a big, terrifying alpha growl. "Stay away from my things!" he said before grabbing his clothes and storming out of the room.
Sakuya just sank to the floor, feeling completely empty and like a shell. Sion's growl echoed in his ears and his head. Even though he tried not to, the sound sent him back to The-Night-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named..He put his hands over his ears and closed his eyes, willing himself to breathe. This wasn’t happening.....this couldn't be happening. He couldn't go back there; couldn't think about it. And the one thing he had left, Sion and his comforting scent, was gone.
Sakuya did not sleep much that night; it was impossible. After his altercation with Sion, it was all he could manage to crawl into bed and collapse. When Ryo eventually came to bed, Sakuya had just closed his eyes and pretended to be sleep. The night stretched on ahead of him, dark and cold. His anxiety mounted, making him toss and turn with no relief. He knew he’d become too dependent on Sion’s scent but he hadn’t realized how long he’d actually gone without trying to sleep without an article of clothing that smelled like him. It had become like an addiction and without it he felt even less like himself than he had before. As he tossed and turned he couldn’t help but replay what had happened in his head. Losing his stash was the least of his concerns. Sion was probably going to never be able to look at him the same way, much less be able touch him. And Sakuya already felt like he was going through withdrawals of that touch.
When the next morning dawned, Sakuya had barely slept. His body was heavy with the dark cloud inside him and he couldn’t move. They had a photoshoot that day but Sakuya couldn’t manage to move. He lay like a statue in his bed, staring off into space as Ryo moved around to get ready. Once he’d gotten ready and Sakuya still hadn’t moved, Ryo had gotten concerned.
“Saku, hey? Aren’t you going to get up and get ready? We’re about to leave” Ryo gently prodded.
He knew he should say or do something but he just couldn’t manage it. Logically, he knew he couldn’t just refuse to get up and do their schedule but right now it felt like all his energy was focused on simply breathing. He couldn’t cope with the changes in himself and he definitely couldn’t do it without the comfort he’d come to rely on.
“Sakuya? What’s wrong?” Ryo said a little louder, worry coloring his words. He shook Sakuya’s shoulder when he showed no response. He kept shaking but Sakuya just lay there like a lump. He had worked really hard to hide his pain from everyone and he’d been doing okay at it but what had happened last night broke it all.
Ryo tried unsuccessfully to get Sakuya to move for another five minutes before he gave up and left the room. Sakuya could hear his muffled voice in the hallway talking to Sion of all people.
“Hyung, Sakuya won’t get up,” Ryo said worriedly.
“Make him, he hasn’t got a choice” Sion said. Even from this far away Sakuya could hear the annoyance in his voice. It was obvious he hadn’t been thinking of what had happened last night unless it was to think about what a disgusting human being Sakuya was.
“But, I think something’s wrong” Ryo said, anxiously. “He’s like a zombie. He won’t respond or even look at me.”
Normally the worry in his best friend’s voice would be enough to snap Sakuya out of it but not this time. Sakuya could hear muffled voices in the hallway but he let his mind drift away. He might have dozed off for a little while.
It was Riku who eventually came for him. He hadn’t even realized how much he was secretly hoping Sion would come check on him until he smelled Riku’s lavender scent and opened his eyes to see him crouched beside his bed.
“Sakuya, what’s going on? Ryo’s really worried about you” Riku said gently. Sakuya didn’t answer.
“Are you sick? Do we need to take you to a doctor?” Riku prodded. With a great effort, Sakuya shook his head.
“You gotta get up, then. You know we have work” Riku said. His scent wafted out comfortingly, coaxing him.
“I….cant…do….it” Sakuya finally spoke in a hoarse whisper. He didn’t know if ‘it’ was referring to work, facing Sion or life.
“Is there something you need to talk about?” Riku asked gently. He made his scent waft out comfortingly. It wasn’t a random question, Sakura knew. Riku was the first one to find him on The-Night-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named and in the weeks afterwards he’d tried to get Sakuya to open up about it. Sakuya had refused and changed the subject every time until Riku had stopped asking. Up until this point, Sakuya had thought he’d done a good job at convincing everyone he’d moved on past that. But he saw that fear and worry in Riku’s eye just like he had in Ryo’s. His composure and facade was cracking.
“No….I can’t….do that either” Sakuya said, his voice cracking. He wanted Sion so desperately he could hardly breathe. It still didn’t make sense; it never would.
“Let me help you get up” Riku said kindly, giving Sakuya’s arm a squeeze. “We don’t want the manager to come get you.” Unsaid in his words was the implication of ‘that’s the last thing you need.’
So Sakuya let Riku help him and did his best to appear okay. He let Riku hand him clothes and his phone and he did his best to focus on Riku’s scent. It wasn’t Sion’s but it helped enough to get him out of bed.
It was a long day but Sakuya got through it. Everyone could tell there was something wrong but for once Sakuya couldn’t be bothered to care. They went to the photo shoot and Sakuya did what a good idol always did; what he was told. He put on the clothes they told him to, he stood where they told him to, and made the expressions they told him to. When it wasn’t his turn he just sat there staring at the wall, not talking or even looking at his phone. His members were worried but they didn’t press him; they didn’t even know her had to go into the bathroom twice to throw up because his anxiety was so bad. Ryo sat next to him between shoots, nuzzled into him like a cat; Sakuya let himself lean on him. He didn’t speak. Occasionally he’d catch Sion staring at him and it was like a knife to the gut. Sion didn’t look mad; he looked worried like everyone else. But he didn’t make a move to say anything to Sakuya and so the persistent loop in Sakuya’s brain telling him he was broken and gross kept replaying. He leaned on Ryo more, willing it to be enough. Why wasn’t it? Why did Sakuya still want Sion so badly it felt like his insides were being ripped apart?
When they got home, Sakuya just walked to his room wordlessly and crashed into his bed face first. He still couldn’t sleep but at least he could just lay there. He could hear his members from time to time whispering outside his door, concern in their hushed tones but no one approached him.
Until Sion did…..
Sakuya could smell him before he saw him. His eyes were still closed when he smelled the fresh air and deep pine. He tried not to want it, but he did. Sakuya breathed it in as subtly as he could, his heart breaking inside.
“Saku, we need to talk” Sion said gently.
Sakuya opened his eyes and saw Sion kneeling next to his bed, his eyes full of concern and worry. Part of him wanted to tell Sion to get lost and leave him alone; hurt him in a small way for hurting him. But he needed him; somewhere along the way Sakuya had gone from wanting Sion to needing him.
So he forced his heavy body up into a sitting position and patted the bed next him, inviting Sion to sit down. Even sitting next to him, there was a space like a chasm between them. Sakuya wanted to crawl into Sion’s lap like a child, curl up there and never leave. He felt the familiar wave of shame he always got these days feeling the things he wanted.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for the way I acted last night” Sion started, his words heavy with repentance. It was obvious Sakuya had been wrong in thinking Sion had not been dwelling on their fight.
“It’s okay” Sakuya said because he wanted things to be okay. He wanted to pretend Sion had never found his stash and that he didn’t know he was weird. He wanted things to go back to normal.
“No, it’s not okay” Sion insisted. “I was a huge dick to you. I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. I should never have said what I said. I should never have growled at you. I’m usually in way better control of my alpha side.”
Sakuya recalled the sound of Sion’s growl in his ears and it was terrifying. He hoped he never heard it again directed at him. He felt a shiver go through him and he wrapped his arms around himself.
“What you said was true though; I am weird and disgusting” Sakuya said in a small voice. His body throbbed with pain and worry.
“No, it wasn’t” Sion was quick to say. “I said that without thinking because I didn’t understand. But I want to understand. Please explain it to me and I promise I’ll listen.”
Sakuya’s stomach churned with anxiety. He squeezed himself tighter. He couldn’t explain. He didn’t understand himself. “I really can’t. I don’t understand it myself. I just….” Sakuya started but then trailed off, unable to think up the words.
“I can tell now that something is wrong” Sion said. “I should have noticed before but I didn’t. I know my reaction last night probably makes you not want to share with me but please, talk to me like you normally would.”
Sakuya tried to take a deep breath. He felt his chest trying to tighten, anxiety taking hold. He couldn’t imagine putting into words what he had been going through. It was so embarrassing.
“Can’t we just pretend this didn’t happen? It’s….too humiliating” Sakuya said, staring down at his lap.
“No, I don’t want to ignore it. You’re completely different today. I want to know why. I want to fix it” Sion said earnestly.
There is no fixing it…..Sakuya thought to himself, his throat tight and hot. There’s no fixing me…..
Even so, he’d do what Sion said and try to explain.
“There is something wrong with me….I just don’t know what it is” Sakuya started, looking at the floor, willing himself to not look at Sion so he could get through this.
“I was normal until a few months ago. Then something happened and I started to worry all the time. My anxiety got so bad and I had it all the time. I don’t even know what I am so worried about but it’s still there. I started to have panic attacks. I couldn’t sleep. I was scared of everything. Then it’s like I…I don’t know….stopped being an alpha or something. I know that sounds crazy….but it’s like it’s gone. My rut stopped coming. My scent is nearly nonexistent. I can’t scent the omegas anymore…I feel like a failure.”
The silence hung in the room heavy. Sakuya imagined if he looked at Sion he’d find him just attentively listening but he couldn’t look especially when he said this next bit.
“You were the only thing that made it better. I started to notice when I was around you, I didn’t worry. As long as I was close to you and could smell your scent, my anxiety went away. I felt safe. When I was separated from, you it came back. It was the worst at night and I still had a hard time sleeping. I was desperate. That’s when I started stealing your clothes. I didn’t really intend for it get as out of hand as it did….it just helped so much. One night I had borrowed your sweater and I slept in it and that’s when I noticed. If I had something with your scent on it, it helped me relax and I could sleep. I should have returned them…but the more I had the better I felt. It became like a compulsion and I just kept taking. I’m sorry. I know it’s weird. But I’m really not being gross about it, you just….make me feel…safe. When nothing else does.”
It took forever to get it out and once he did Sakuya didn’t exactly feel relieved. Actually he was terrified; big surprise. He wanted nothing more than to be accepted; he wasn’t sure how that looked but he just knew he wanted Sion’s comfort back. But saying all of that made him feel super vulnerable and scared. He was used to being close to Sion but not verbalizing it in that way. He was worried saying it all might make it too weird, too odd; might put a distance between them.
When he finally forced himself to look Sion, he saw sadness in his eyes. It looked like he was taking it all in. When he finally spoke it was a relief.
“I wish you had told me you were going through all of that” Sion said sadly. “I should have noticed. I can’t believe I didn’t notice your scent had gone.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t want anyone to notice anything was wrong. It’s embarrassing. I’m supposed to be an alpha. I’m not supposed…to steal clothes. Or want your scent like that.”
Sakuya felt his cheeks flame in embarrassment. He wondered if Sion would accuse him of having feelings or something. What he said instead was not what he expected.
“This started because of what happened to you with those alphas” Sion said.
Sakuya’s stomach clenched uncomfortably. He could feel acid rise up in his throat. That was the last thing he wanted to think about, much less talk about.
“No….it’s nothing like that” Sakuya said. Suddenly it felt really hard to catch a breath.
“It sounds like it started right when that all happened. It’s probably a trauma response” Sion said logically. But Sakuya didn’t want to hear logic.
“No” Sakuya tried to insist. But it came out as a squeak because his breaths were coming in shallow.
“I haven’t done my job. I should have noticed you weren’t doing okay. How could you have been? I should have insisted you start seeing a doctor.”
Sakuya tried to breathe deeply, tried to stave off the attack but he couldn’t. He could tell it was inevitable. It was always when The-Night-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named came up, which was precisely why he didn’t want to talk about it. Talking could not change it; it would only make it real. And it couldn’t be real. After that night, the company had strongly suggested he start seeing a therapist but he had refused, saying he was okay. And he had been; until just now when he’d been deprived of Sion’s scent. He’d worked SO hard to prove just how okay he was.
“I don’t need a doctor; I just need YOU, hyung!” Sakuya managed to wobble out before the panic overtook him, caving his chest, strangling his breath, making everything dark at the edges. Great, now he was having a panic attack in front of Sion and it was only going to confirm to him he wasn’t okay and he was probably going to send him away to some hospital where they were going to make him relive everything and he’d be complete cut off from Sion’s scent…and….and….and….
He couldn’t breathe….he wasn’t safe….he wasn’t okay….
Then, in one moment he was…..
Strong arms wrapped around him, pulling him close. His face was pressed against a warm chest. Sion’s scent flared, strong and rich, filling up his panicked lungs and relaxing him instantly. His panicked breathing stuttered a few times, sucking in the scent before it smoothed out and he could breathe normally. Sakuya closed his eyes and for once, because now he didn’t have to pretend, he let himself go weak, go limp and let Sion hold him. Even though it had been only a day it felt much longer and the relief he felt was immense. Now that he felt the warmth of protection he felt in Sion’s arms, he realized how unsafe he had felt all day without it.
“I’m sorry” Sion said in a worrying tone, pulling Sakuya a little closer. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t think I’m enough to fix this. But I’ll try. Tell me what I can do.”
Sakuya was glad his face was pressed into Sion’s chest, both because of the scent and because he could hide.
“This” Sakuya said quietly, holding on to Sion’s shirt.
They stayed like that for a long time. Sion didn't let go until Sakuya did. When they pulled apart, Sakuya felt a wave of embarrassment. It felt so good to be held by Sion but being shy about it was going to take some time to get past.
“I don’t want to be a burden” Sakuya said quietly, looking off away from Sion.
“You’re not a burden,” Sion said. “I don’t really understand what is going on with you and I want you to be okay. But if my scent makes you feel safe, that’s not a burden. That’s a blessing. I’m an alpha; I like protecting people.”
“Even if it’s another alpha? That’s weird isn’t it?” Sakura asked shyly.
“Maybe we can just pretend? We can just pretend you’re not an alpha” Sion said.
“That shouldn’t be too hard” Sakuya said with self deprecating laugh. “Can’t remember the last time I acted like an alpha.”
Sion didn’t laugh. A moment later, Sakuya was surprised by the feeling of Sion’s hand on his. Holding hands wasn’t something they would normally do and it caught his attention immediately. He looked first at their intertwined hands and then up at Sion’s serious face.
“I won’t talk about….it….what happened” Sion said carefully. “But you did go through a lot. It’s okay to relax. If my scent makes you feel safe, just let yourself enjoy it and don’t worry about what you should be doing as an alpha. Maybe instead of protecting, you need to be the one protected.”
Sakuya felt his throat tighten with unshed tears. He wanted this but accepting it was a bit hard too. He didn’t feel he deserved it. He didn’t feel he should be protected. He smelled the smallest whiff of the own scent give a half hearted attempt at flaring. It hadn’t made an attempt in so long it surprised him. Unfortunately it was just a bitter, weak attempt, just enough to show his feelings to Sion.
“Don’t be scared” Sion encouraged giving his hand a squeeze. “Come on; let’s go get you something to eat.”
Sakuya didn’t feel hungry but he knew it had been a long time since he’d eaten. Normally he’d argue, insist he was okay. But he decided to try what Sion said and pretend he wasn’t an alpha. And a not-alpha wouldn’t argue. So he let Sion lead him by the hand without argument, feeling a bit of relief at the compliance.
All the others were in the kitchen eating already. Sakuya felt the smallest bit of fear try to rise up inside him as he walked into the room with Sion and they all looked at him. He knew everyone was concerned after his behavior earlier but he felt a bit overwhelmed with the attention. Even if the attention was just that everyone had simply stopped talking and was looking at him.
“Saku, it’s good to see you up” Riku observed. He did a good job trying to hide his concern but Sakuya still see it and couldn’t forget the way he’d looked at him earlier.
“Are you okay? We’ve been worried about you” Jahee added.
Sakuya felt himself shrink a bit behind Sion, not that he was scared of his members but everything just felt too much.
Ryo got up and rushed over, arms out and ready for a hug, one Sakuya normally would easily return. With lightening quick reflexes, Sion put out a hand, his fingers connecting with Ryo’s chest. Not hard, not mean, just a boundary. Slight hurt crossed Ryo’s face.
“Sakuya’s okay guys, just give him some space” Sion said in an authoritative voice. His scent gave out a flare of warning, a scent the others were totally unaccustomed to. Sion never sent out a warning scent like that; he never needed to. And while it was a little overzealous Sakuya would be lying if he said he didn’t like it. He felt that familiar pang of shame he had grown accustomed to when doing something or feeling something alphas shouldn’t. He pushed it away though, remembering Sion’s words; a not-alpha didn’t have to worry about enjoying Sion being overly protective.
“We weren’t trying to crowd him, we were just concerned” Ryo said sounding subdued. He sat back down, looking worriedly at Sakuya.
Sion led Sakuya over to the table and fixed him a plate. Eventually the others picked up their conversations but Sakuya could feel their eyes on him. Normally it would make him spiral with worry but right now he was okay. Sion sat next to him, close enough that Sakuya could smell his scent and focus on it, grounding him. Focused on that, Sakuya was able to eat more than he’d eaten in days.
After dinner they all gravitated toward the living room. Everyone just causally played games or watched their phones. For a moment, Sakuya hesitated in taking the spot on the couch next to Sion, used to not trying to make it obvious he was clinging to him. He only had one moment of indecision before Sion reached up, wrapped his arms around him and pulled him down into the space between him. Normally Sakuya would join in with the games and sharing videos but as soon as he nestled down into the space beside Sion he realized how incredibly tired he was. It had been an exhausting few days and being this close to Sion, able to fully enjoy his presence and scent, completely relaxed him. He curled up into a ball, closed his eyes and nestled his face into the space underneath Sion’s arm where one of his scent glands was. As if he had taken a sleeping pill, Sakuya was out in less than a minute, falling into a blissfully peaceful and dreamless sleep.
He awoke a few hours later, in his own bed. For a moment he was confused, having gone from the security of the living room surrounded by his pack, curled up with Sion, to the quiet and darkness of his own room. He wasn’t sure how the others had even managed to get him up and to his own room but he was there now. For a minute, he felt the old familiar wave of panic at the realization he was alone. The darkness of the room felt crushing. He tried to focus on Ryo’s heavy, sleeping breaths to remind himself he wasn’t really alone but his breath was still speeding up.
As his breath increased though he caught a whiff of pine and petrichor. Digging under the covers he found the clothes Sion had been wearing earlier, tucked in there beside him. He felt a wave of warmth go through him as he pulled the clothes closer to himself and took in Sion’s scent, imaging him coming in here to tuck them in beside him so he could sleep. Something about that small action meant everything to Sakuya. It wasn’t just that he could finally sleep and have his anxiety eased. The deep ache of shame he’d been carrying inside started to loosen as well. Because he didn’t have to steal these clothes. He didn’t sneak these and hide them away, knowing he was gross and disgusting and a bad person. These had been willingly given to him. Sion had chosen to give them to him so he didn’t have to feel shame or embarrassment. He could just relax. And as he nuzzled into the clothes and took in the scent, Sakuya drifted off the sleep just feeling safe.