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Rudo wasn't one to have suicidal tendencies, he really wasn't. But, when there's no distractions to keep him and his mind occupied, what happens then?
He soon found out.
Here he was, laying in his own bed pitifully. It's as if every single horrible thought finally caught up to him after all this work (except it literally is). He hasn't even had proper time to grieve Regto's death— no, what does it even matter? What would change if he did? Would he just go through this miserable feeling again, just earlier instead?
God, he's a horrible person. He can't even properly grieve his dad's death. He's just the son of a monster, maybe he takes after that monster. Maybe he's turned into a monster too, just like his father. He's a monster a monster a monster a monster a monster a—
Scratch. He scratched the bandages covering his arm with the harsh leather material of his gloves. “Shut up..!” He choked out from his throat, which felt like it was actively tightening with each breath he took. Why is he having these thoughts? Why was he suffering? Why did nobody else ever notice? Why? He has so many questions that no one, especially not himself, will ever be able to truly answer.
Wait— why does he want people to notice? Why does he want people to pity him? They don't truly care. No one has, not on the sphere nor on the ground. From the very day he was born, he had been worthless and cursed. Everyone knows that, everyone does.
He feels miserable. He hasn't felt like this ever since way back before Regto ever came into his life. Why does he miss Regto anyways? It's his fault Regto's gone. It's all his fault his fault his fault his fault his fault his fault—
Rudo scratched his arm harder. It hurts, a lot actually, but at least the pain is distracting from whatever the hell is going on in his head. Suddenly, an idea hit him.
He was just going to be miserable like this the rest of his life, right? Well, his life had already been miserable ever since he came into this world, it's just that Regto made things feel a little lighter than they should.
Anyways— that isn't the point right now. Though, if he's just gonna be miserable his whole life, why don't just cut it short? Rudo wants to be gone. He doesn't want to be in this cruel world anymore. Every second he spends here, every breath he takes, it feels like hell.
It would be better if he was gone anyways, right? For him, the sphere, and the ground. The sphere wouldn't have to worry about having their so-called “cursed, murderers son” anymore, and he wouldn't be a burden to the cleaners anymore. What benefits him?— he's free. These cruel thoughts get shut off and he doesn't have to worry about how much suffering the future has to offer.
He can finally just rest.
Just sleep and not wake up.
—————————
It's around 3:40 AM, no one’s awake nor should be. No one can stop him, no one would even know, nor care. Rudo had gotten up out of bed, already planning how he was gonna do this. He saw Semiu leave her desk at night, implying that she was probably heading to bed. He heard Eisha talk about sleeping with August tonight, so she's most likely asleep by now. And everyone else should be asleep too, if they weren't, why the hell weren't they?
Whatever, he just needs to open the door and leave and then head over to the Recovery Room. Eisha has these.. pills or something, whatever they were called—though he was pretty sure they were called pills—and he overheard Eisha say if you take too much you'll die or suffer serious consequences and side effects. If he just takes all of them, it should just be over, right? Can I finally rest? Be free?
The idea of just using a knife popped up in his head, but imagining the pain before death that it would bring was way too unpleasant for Rudo.
He hesitated for a moment. Was he really doing this? Was this really gonna happen? Would he regret this—
Rudo squeezed his arm so tight that the pang of pain that went through it was unbearable for just a single moment. He let go after his second-guessing-thoughts stop swirling around in his mind.
He just wanted to be gone, to disappear, to rest, please just let him sleep, please.
Regto would've been disappointed, the thought of that happening only made him want to die faster. Whatever— it isn't like anyone cares right now nor have they ever cared. Him being gone would benefit everyone. They all probably want him gone anyway, they only kept him because he's useful. If they found out how truly worthless and cursed he was? The cleaners would've already kicked him out. He just wants to disappear before that can happen.
———————
He opened the door to his room before walking through the halls to go find the Recovery Room. His mind is foggy, his arms are throbbing, and he feels numb, but that isn't stopping him. No one's awake, nor should they be awake. No one can stop him, no one will know he's gone, no one will miss him. He has one goal, just one. Single. Goal.
He just wants to rest, to disappear, to sleep, to vanish, to be free, to die.
———————
You see, Enjin was either a really light sleeper, or a really deep sleeper. And tonight was one of those nights where he couldn't sleep, like— AT ALL. Something was nagging him in the back of his head, he felt uneasy, but having to fight giant trash beasts who stink like hell kinda makes you adapt to that feeling.
Enjin got up out of bed, If he can't sleep, might as well just take a stroll around headquarters since there's not much else to do. He walked over to his door, opening it before shutting it closed as he walked around the halls. Man, he forgot how boring this place can be without it's usually chatter and liveliness when everyone's awake.
As he was walking, he walked through a hall near the infirmary area. For a split second, he could've sworn he saw what looked like Rudo, because of his awfully recognizable hair, quickly slip into the Recovery Room, and when he heard the soft click of the door shutting, he sighed when he knew that meant it really was him.
Wait, holdddd up!— why is he entering the Recovery Room at this hour? It's like— 3:47 AM or something! Why's he even awake? Actually— scratch that, he should've known that Rudo’d be awake considering the kids a damn insomniac or whatever. I mean, the eye bags under his eyes do say alot.. whatever!— that isn't the point right now, what he's trying to get at is why the hell is Rudo entering the infirmary at this hour? Eisha isn't even awake, she's sleeping with August last he recalls.
Did the kid somehow manage to get injured this late at night!? It's always something with him, I swear; he thought. He let out a soft yet gruff chuckle under his breath, why are his damn kids so interesting? Guess they take after him.
Really though, what's he up to in there? Enjin couldn't help the small wave of concern that washed over him. Regardless of whatever he's doing, he basically has to go check. He sauntered over to the door to the Recovery Room, before placing his hand on the doorknob, twisting it as the door opened.
now, Enjin was expecting a lot of things, like seeing Rudo bandage a limb or just laying on the bed or just doing something okay, he doesn't really know at this point! Though, what he certainly didn't expect to see, was the kid.
His kid. His 15 year old kid, the cute yet terrifying one, Rudo.
He certainly didn't expect to see Rudo, (his) the kid, about to overdose on pills.
His mouth went slightly agape, as one word left his mouth. “... huh?”
———————
Rudo was so zoned out and out of it, focused on one thing only, that he hadn't heard Enjin enter the room nor realized he was there, until his calm yet somewhat shaky voice filtered through his head. His eyes widened at the sound, freezing as he looked up at Enjin, who was currently standing at the doorway.
What. He's supposed to be asleep. nononononoNONONO—
For a second, Rudo's mindset changed to fight or flight, and in his sudden surge of panic, he almost was on the verge of just taking all the pills all at once.
But nothing went his way, nothing ever went the way Rudo wanted it to go. He was truly cursed.
———————
Enjin moved quickly, snatching the pill bottle away from Rudo in a state of panic, immediately setting them aside. He suddenly grabbed Rudo's shoulders, shaking him harshly, caught in his own sudden emotions. “KID!— What the hell are ya doing!?—”
He quickly realized how he let his emotions get the better of him as soon as Rudo couldn't keep himself in check anymore and just started trembling and crying. “... Shit.” Enjin muttered, before letting out a sigh, some of the tension in his body leaving along with it, as he pulled Rudo close to him with one arm. He stayed silent, letting Rudo cry it out before he was ready to talk. He didn't wanna interrupt the kid, he's already panicking and crying, plus, seeing as he was about to kill himself, he's going through a lot. Enjin doesn't fully get nor understand what he's going through, but he gets enough of it from his past experiences that he should let the kid cry it out for now. He'll talk with him after he's calmed down a bit. The only words that came out of his mouth as he cried were; “It's okay kid, it's alright..”
…
After a few minutes of crying, Enjin noticed Rudo had calmed down a bit. His once panicked sobbing dulled down into quiet sniffles. That's when Enjin decided to start talking. “Rudo, what were you thinking?” His tone was gentle yet firm all at the same time.
Enjin wanted to scream, yell, panic and worry so much that he passes out, but he knows he has to do his best to stay calm for Rudo. If he freaks out, then so will the kid. Honestly, Enjin didn't even know if he was prepared to hear Rudo's answer. Then, Rudo spoke up after waiting a moment to reply.
“I just want to rest.”
———————
Gosh, what was he doing? He's just being a burden to Enjin, how'd he even get caught in the first place? Now he's being held and coddled, and it's all because he began crying at the harsh reality of things? What the hell is this!? He just wanted to disappear, was that too much to ask for? But of course it didn't go as planned, because absolutely nothing goes as planned for Rudo. Because he's cursed, right? Like all those stupid sphere idiots said? I hate this whole situation.
“I just want to rest.” That's all he could reply with without seeming like a crazy, suicidal maniac. Enjin seemed tense, god, why couldn't Rudo just do something right for once?
“Why, why would you want to leave all of us, kid? We would all miss you, ya know.”
Rudo's eyes widened ever so slightly, miss him? Everyone would.. miss him? Is he lying? “But— that's— you're lying! No one ever cared and no one currently does care!—”
“I ain't lyin’, Rudo. You're one of us, and if you left the cleaners and then died, we'd still mourn you. Don't you understand? We all care about you, you just don't see it.” Enjin cut him off, he looked like he meant every word, and Rudo couldn't tell if he was relieved by that fact or hurt by it.
Rudo felt his ‘alone’ mindset collapsing on him. He means it? Does he really mean it? “... I miss my dad.. even with all the promises I've made of going back up to the sphere and killing everyone there— afterwards, he wouldn't be awaiting me there, he's gone, and it's all my fault!..”
Rudo never thought he would open up to anyone besides Regto before. At least, not with all the layers and the walls he's built up around him, no one was ever patient enough to get through them, only Regto was. But Regto's gone.
“It ain't your fault kid, in fact, I bet that your dad would be proud of you right now for opening up to people.” Rudo watched as Enjin confidently replied with that, a grin on his face.
Rudo almost started crying again just hearing that, would Regto really be proud of him?
——————
The two cleaners stayed in silence for a good while, before Enjin realized that Rudo fell asleep against him. He sighed as his hand came up to ruffle Rudo's hair a little, damn, Enjin felt like a single father of three, though he practically was one.
Enjin let out a tired sigh, it carried all the exhaustion with it, showing just how tired he really was. He knew that, now he'd have to keep a close eye on Rudo so that he doesn't do anything stupid like that anymore, and’ll probably have to tell Semiu about this as well. Maybe even Zanka and Riyo just so they know to be a tiniest bit careful. He knows Rudo hates pity, so he can't make it come off like that. He sighed for like— the third time. This kid was a whole lot of work, but of course, Enjin’ll manage.
He adjusted both of their positions to be comfier on the bed, before closing his eyes. It's been one hell of a night, Enjin DEFINITELY deserves some sleep after this.
He smirked softly for a second, before exhaling. Maybe, taking care of this kid isn't that bad; he thought as he felt Rudo still snuggled up against Enjin's side, the soft breathing coming from him audible.
For a moment, he felt genuinely fond, before finally letting all the exhaustion catch up to him and allowing sleep to consume him. The soft exhales of them both being the only sounds in the dark, peaceful room, that just only a few minutes ago had such a suffocating environment.
Maybe this is what Rudo wanted from the very start, A.K.A, when his thoughts began spiralling, just …
… peace.