Work Text:
note #1
„Where the children scream, silent cries can’t be heard. In doubt, it’s better to keep your mouth shut. I can’t do that.
I’m whispering. To myself, but I wish that he’d hear that.
I don’t know why God sent me here. Even though he’s my savior and knows better than me – I didn’t ask for it. I never would. What was going on in his head while he was creating me?
Was his intention to show his followers that there can be a bigger disgrace than Satan? If yes, why did that have to be me?
Did You purposely put me alongside Your biggest enemy? Your unfaithful servant, whom You make me feel like I’m no better than?
Out of all the things in the world, did You have to make me fall in love with him?
With this asshole Chenle?
Don’t make me bleed for you in the roughest way.
I know that I’m a sinner for my words.
For my way of being.
For the cuts that still didn’t disappear, even though I begged you on my knees.
For what I’m about to do.
Well, I guess that’s what I deserve.
Everyone says that I crave for more than I should expect.
Will it be worse? Will I try to take over someone because of the frustration building up in my body?
I have so many questions, but You never answered, and never will.
Are You even real? Or are You just a tool made to control people?”
note #2
„I somehow managed to not fall into your trap.
And you’ve punished me.
Chenle hates my guts. I’m a stupid sixteen year old, and so is he. I don’t know why he’s so serious about it. It was just a stupid promise, and I didn’t take it to heart.
Did he really want to… with me? Or…? No, this can’t be.
I tried to talk to him, apologize maybe. But… he wasn’t eager to listen. He just said that he doesn’t want to see me ever again, even in the supposed afterlife, but I don’t get it. He never believed in the presence of God.
I’m tired. I just wish that he’d love me.”
note #3
„He likes me.
Maybe he’ll even love me properly one day.
I’m happy to start this new chapter of life. With him by my side I feel like I can do… just about anything.
We’re thinking about moving out too.
I’ll finally feel free.
Younger me would’ve told me that I’m just a pathetic liar.”
Jisung reads the last line and breathes out, annoyed, as if his younger self had something that he’s grown out of or lost.
He looks at the third note with unexplainable rage. His fingers are slightly twitching, signaling that he may crumple the small piece of paper.
He leaves it to let it collect dust in the forgotten drawer.
It’s pretty late in the evening already. Instead of rethinking his life from a few years ago, he decides that he’d rather lie in bed.
Chenle’s there.
And he’s not looking at him. As always.