Work Text:
7:10 p.m. the first of February, the day of Harry Styles' nineteenth birthday. Harry stared at his phone re-reading what the boy he loved more than he loved himself posted on twitter.
"@Harry_Styles happy birthday dude !"
He kept rereading it, as if he didn't believe what he was reading. Harry scrolled down a tweet to see Louis' previous tweets.
Not even a minute before Louis had posted his tweet to Harry he'd posted a tweet for a mutual friend of theirs, Andy, who's birthday was yesterday.
"@AndySamuels31 happy birthday pal !!"
Someone who Louis only knew because Liam was best mates with him got a better birthday tweet than the person Louis claims he's in love with.
Harry's chest felt hallow as he dryly chuckled at the tweets, before throwing his phone onto his bed. Today was supposed to be his day, it was his birthday for fucks sake yet everything had been shit so far.
It just so happened that Andy and Harry's parties had been planed for the same day, Liam told Harry ahead of time that he was going to Andy's party and Harry understood. Andy and Liam were best mates, plus Harry had saw Liam at tour rehearsals just this morning.
Zayn had been invited to Harry's party but he never got a call back, not unlike Zayn these days, he was probably where ever Perrie was. Louis had also been invited, and at first Louis had said he'd go, of course he'd go but then at rehearsals this morning he said he wouldn't be able to make it tonight. Harry asked why but Louis didn't give him a straight answer, instead he just tried to push the conversation on.
Niall was the only one of Harry's five best 'mates' that were coming to his birthday party.
Harry jumped in the shower, trying to make the hole in his chest go away. Honestly he wasn't even sure why he was so hurt by the entire thing, Louis and him weren't dating. They weren't together yet they were.
Harry knew all along Louis was the only person who he could ever love as much he loved Louis. When Harry first told his older best friend his feelings toward him, Louis became distant at first, he pulled away from Harry. He'd see him at work and as the time went by he realized that Louis wasn't looking so well, bags under his eyes, a gloss of sadness over his eyes that wasn't there before, he looked sad.
After a few weeks of Louis barely talking to his best friend he showed up at Harry's door in the middle of the night. Harry answered the door to see the boy he was in love with, standing there with tears in his eyes, bags under his eyes, he looked exhausted.
"Lou?" Harry's voice was think with sleep as Louis had just woken him up.
"Fuck Harry I love you too," Louis' voice cracked as a tear fell from one of his eyes, "I love you too, but no one can know," Louis finished as he quickly wrapped his arms around Harry's neck. His head fit perfect in the crook of the younger boy's neck as he cried. Louis never wanted to be gay, he never wanted to be in love with Harry but he was.
Ever since then - six months ago - Harry and Louis had been sneaking around behind closed doors, getting quick kisses in when they could at work, never being caught in public together, they seemed so distant to the public eye but that's not how it was, or at least, that's not how Harry thought it was.
They'd talked about coming out - together - but Louis was still scared. Scared of what people would think and how the fans would react. Not to add the fact that management knew something was going on and had practically forbidded them from being seen together, ever. No stupid twitter conversations like they used to have, no parties together, no twitcams together, nothing - because god forbid the fans thought Larry Stylinson was real.
The thing that Harry didn't understand was that half of the fans believed Larry was real, no matter what Harry and Louis said. Not only did the believe it was real but they supported it, according to people on tumblr, Larry was most of their OTP's (Harry found out that OTP meant 'one true pairing' and thought it was cute that people loved him and Louis almost as much as he loved Louis himself).
Harry got out of the shower before getting ready for his party that was going to be starting in the next couple of hours. Normally, Harry would be excited for a party, after all, parties meant drinking and friends, both things Harry enjoyed. Yet tonight he didn't want to leave the house. He wanted nothing more than to stay in and lay in bed with Chinese takeaway and try to fill the hole that had felt blown into his chest.
Harry came into his bedroom from the en-suite and heard his phone vibrate on his grey duvet. He picked up his iPhone to reveal three texts that he'd gotten while he was in the shower. All three of them were from Louis.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN LOVE! :)
Can't believe your 19!!! xx
you ok babe? xx
Harry looked at the three texts for a minute, trying to decide what to send back. He knew him and Louis weren't dating, he knew they weren't 'official', he knew they were just screwing around. But it wasn't like that, Harry and Louis had confessed their love for each other, they'd spent countless nights snuggling in bed together, jesus fucking christ- once when Louis was sick Harry went to his flat and brought him soup and let Louis lay on his lap while they watched stupid telly. They weren't just fucking around, they genuinely loved each other, at least Harry thought they did.
Louis had been odd for the past week, he seemed like he was being distant again, not talking to Harry much. Harry had tried to talk to him about it but Louis just said he was tired and Harry didn't want to fight with him so he didn't press on.
Honestly, he wasn't sure why that stupid birthday tweet upset him so much, but it did. Maybe it was because someone who he wasn't close friends with got a better birthday tweet that Harry did. Maybe it was because there was no substance to the tweet. There was nothing extra, no x's, no love you's, nothing. Just happy birthday… dude. How nice.
Harry tapped out a quick message on his phone before hitting send and throwing it down on his bed once again.
Don't you mean dude?
As Harry walked around his bedroom trying to find something to wear he regretted sending the curt text, but he was upset, and unfortunately when Harry was upset he let his emotions get the best of him. He didn't want to be called dude by the man he was in love with. He wanted to be called babe, or some other sickeningly sweet pet name Louis would call him.
Harry grabbed some clothes to wear before returning to the bathroom and drying his hair and getting dressed. The shirt he happened to grab was one Louis had surprised him with a few weeks ago, a navy blue Burberry button-down with white hearts on it. Harry would never have picked it out himself but the fact that Louis gave it to him made Harry feel like he had to wear it.
He buttoned the top button and looked at himself in the mirror, all in all he didn't look terrible, he wished more than anything that Louis could see him in the shirt but because he wouldn't be attending the party he wouldn't be able too. However; Harry was sure there would be pictures in the paper tomorrow and Louis would see him in that stupid shirt.
Harry made sure he looked presentable before exiting the bathroom and grabbing his phone form his bed once again. He unlocked his phone and saw three more texts, all from Louis again.
no that wasn't me. I wanted to say more but they wouldn't let me. you know I wouldn't say that
I love you so much, you know that right?
harry?
Harry stared down at his phone, he knew it was partially true, management wouldn't let him say any more than that because they didn't want rumors to start. Somewhere in the back of Harry's head though he knew that even if management would allow him and Louis to be with each other publicly Louis still wouldn't want to be. Louis was afraid, he didn't want people to think down on him because of who he loved. He was terrified. Harry knew that even if they weren't famous Louis probably still wouldn't want to come out because Louis hadn't excepted the fact that he was gay yet. That made Harry angry. He didn't want to have to hide his affection for Louis. He wanted to go out and hold hands with him and kiss him on the cheek. He wanted to tweet cute pictures of them on lazy Sundays. He wanted Louis to be as open with them as Harry wanted to be.
Yeah ok. I'm going out.
Harry typed on his phone before pressing send and shoving his phone into his pocket and heading out the door for his party that he didn't even want to attend.
As he sat in the back of a car he'd had sent for himself because he knew he was going to be drinking he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out as the black SUV came to a stop at a red light.
have fun babe xx was all the text from Louis read. Harry started at it for a second and right as he was about to lock his phone his phone buzzed in his hand and another text form Louis appeared in the conversation.
call me when you get back, please?? xx
Harry laughed dryly and locked his phone, sliding it into his pocket and starting at the window as the car started to move again. He knew he wouldn't call Louis when he got home, one, because it would be ridiculously late - two, because he'd be drunk and Louis hated when Harry was drunk. He in fact cut back on drinking for Louis because he didn't like it when Harry drank, but tonight because of how upset he was he thought he deserved a few drinks, it was his birthday after all.
The party itself was rather fun. All of the guests were people Harry enjoyed the company of which was nice, it made the pain at least bearable for a little bit. However; his best mate, Nick Grimshaw, knew something was up from the very moment they walked into the party venue. He tried to get it out of Harry but instead Harry insisted everything was alright and that he'd just had a 'long day at work'. Then Nick told him that his day was nothing compared to his because he'd been up since four a.m. for the Breakfast show he was the host of on Radio 1. Harry just shrugged and made Nick buy him a drink, which he did graciously.
The party had been fine, up until Nick thought it was funny to bring Harry a stripper. Not just any stripper but a female stripper who had an odd resemblance of Miranda Cosgrove from the Nickelodeon show 'iCarly'. Harry was forced to sit down and get a lap dance, which he hated every second of, not only was the women dancing on him sort of trashily but he wasn't even attracted to women. Sure, he thought women were beautiful and he could appreciate the beauty of a woman but he wasn't sexually attracted to women, and Nick knew that. That's probably why he got Harry that stupid stripper, as some cruel joke. If Harry had been in a better mood he probably would have laughed at the entire thing, but he wasn't so he was cold and rigid as the woman danced on him.
As the night when on Harry consumed more and more alcohol the better he was feeling. He felt lighter and less suffocated by the problem he was having with Louis. Harry just kept drinking, keeping the feeling of being lighter constant. He wasn't in the mood to deal with reality tonight, it made his chest hurt so he just drank.
Finally, around three a.m. the venue had closed down and thrown the remainder of the party out. Harry was drunk and practically stumbling on his own feet, he hadn't been that drunk in a long time. He didn't know if he'd ever been that drunk in fact. Outside of the venue there were paparazzi with flashes going off in Harry's face, they were disorienting, so disorienting in fact that Harry actually needed help to get to a car by security. He admits it wasn't one of his high points, but he figured people would give him a break because it was his birthday.
Harry stumbled up to his flat by himself and threw him self in bed, after very clumsily stripping himself down to only his grey Calvin Klein's. He laid in bed and thought of calling Louis but he knew it was nearly four in the morning and he was drunk and Louis wouldn't appreciate the call. Harry drifted off while his mind stayed on thoughts of Louis.
Saturday was the day after the party, Harry didn't call Louis because he was nursing a terrible hangover and he didn't think he could bear to hear anyone's voice. So he didn't leave the house, he barely left his bed. Instead he wallowed in his own self pity all day with a killer head ache and a twisting stomach.
Sunday Harry drove from London to Holmes Chapel because his mother was having a party for him Sunday evening. He didn't call Louis on Sunday because he was with his family and childhood friends for most of the day. Though, Louis did text him, but Harry didn't answer, he wasn't in the mood to deal with any more pain right now.
Monday morning Harry drove back from Cheshire to London, thankfully the band didn't have any rehearsals until Wednesday so as soon as Harry got home he climbed into his bed and watched old episodes of 'Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air'. He secretly wished Louis was there to watch them with him but he didn't dare call Louis, because he felt like if he called him then Louis would be winning. For some reason Harry thought calling Louis would be showing Louis it was okay that he was keeping Harry a secret. But that wasn't ok. So Harry shut his phone off as soon as he climbed into bed and after a while fell into a dreamless sleep.
Tuesday Harry woke up and didn't turn his phone back on, he didn't want too. He made himself some breakfast and had a shower then climbed back into bed with his laptop and scrolled through Twitter for a while before watching stupid TV on ITV all day. Occasionally he would think of turning his phone on, but then his stomach would twist in a way he didn't like so he didn't. He knew though, that tomorrow there were tour rehearsals and he was going to have to face Louis.
Tuesday night, at around eight in the evening there was a sporadic knock on Harry front door. Harry dragged himself out of bed and as he made his way to the front door of his flat he wondered who it could be. Really it could have been anyone, he hadn't had his phone on in over twenty-four hours so anyone that was trying to contact him couldn't. As he pulled the front door open to reveal himself in only a white t-shirt and grey joggers to the person on the other side of the door.
There was the boy he loved, his hair messy and a beanie covering his head. He was in a t-shirt and joggers but no coat which was odd because it was February in London and it was cold out. As Harry looked at Louis something wasn't right. There was a look of concern on Louis' face, his skin was tinted red, his eyes were classy, almost as if he'd been crying.
"I've been trying to call you all day!" Louis snapped at Harry, still standing in the hallway outside of Harry's flat.
"My phone's been off," Harry answered honestly, trying to not let Louis' harsh tone get the best of him.
"Why haven't you called me all weekend?" Louis questioned as he took his bottom lip in-between his teeth, as if to stop it from quivering.
"Been busy," Harry shrugged looking down from Lou's face to the ground. Louis was upset and Harry hated seeing him like that. Honestly, if Harry wasn't having a silent war with Louis right now he probably would have scooped him up into his arms and held him while he cried but Harry wouldn't do that right now. He was sick of being invisible to everyone, he wanted to tell everyone he was the reason for Lou's smile, that he was the reason he was happy as of late.
"Bullshit," Lou's voice shook and Harry looked back up at him, before moving out of the way so Louis could enter his flat. Harry knew this was going to be an argument and he didn't want every one of his neighbours to hear it. Louis entered and walked into the living room, Harry followed after shutting the door behind him.
"Sorry," Harry mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He wasn't really sorry. He didn't deserve the constant torture Louis put him through.
"What the fuck is your problem Harry?" Louis snapped at the younger boy. His tone made a chill run down Harry's spine, he didn't want Louis to be angry with him, he hadn't done anything wrong, Louis had been doing wrong.
"You are," Harry fought back. Normally this wasn't something Harry did, he normally would bow down to the older man standing in front of him, he loved him that much.
"What?" Louis asked in a hostile tone, looking Harry right in the eyes. There was a look of confusion written all over his face.
"You are, Louis. You're afraid, you're afraid to come out and be with me and fuck, I'm done Louis. I'm done. If you don't want to be with me leave because I can't keep doing this," Harry started as he felt the tears start to burn the back of his eyes, "I don't want to be a secret anymore Lou! I want people to know I'm the one that makes you happy now. I want people to know I'm the reason you fucking smile," Harry's voice faltered as a single tear fell from his eye. He never singed up for this, he just wanted the boy he loved to love him back.
"Harry-" Louis started and went to reach for Harry but he filched away from his touch and began to speak before Louis could finish.
"No, I'm done. If you're not going to be honest with everyone, fuck! If you're not going to be honest with yourself then I can't do this! I need to be with someone who will let me love them and you're not letting me, Louis! You're not fucking letting me love you and it's killing me," Harry finished as tears now trickled down his tanned skin. This was something that Harry never wanted to do but he didn't have a choice. He wanted to love a person, he wanted to love Louis but Louis wasn't letting the younger boy love him because he was afraid of what people would think.
"Haz-" Louis started but Harry cut him off again.
"Are you going to stop with the games Louis? Are you going to man the fuck up and come out and let us be together properly?" Harry snapped at Louis. He didn't mean for his tone to be as much like venom as it was.
Louis just looked at Harry in shock for a second, Harry tried to read his features but he couldn't. Louis let a single tear fall and didn't say anything.
"Are you going to, Louis?!" Harry spat at him. Harry had never yelled at him like this before but he was just so fed up with it all. Louis looked at him like he had three heads for a second before looking down at the ground.
"Louis! Fucking answer me!" Harry's voice was raised but he was no where near screaming at the older boy who he could see his entire life with. He just wanted an answer but Louis wasn't giving him one. At that moment Harry knew what the answer was.
"Leave," Harry composed himself quickly and the single word he said was cold. Louis looked up to Harry, tears now falling freely from his eyes.
"Harry, please," Louis begged as his voice cracked. Harry didn't want any of this, he just wanted the boy standing in front of him but he wouldn't let him have him.
"I said leave," Harry's words were still cold, yet he felt his heart practically split in two at the sight standing in front of him. Harry knew that if Louis didn't come out know he probably never would. He wanted to love Louis but he wouldn't let him and that made it impossible for them to be together.
"Haz-" Louis chocked out.
"I said leave," Harry retaliated coldly as he raised his left hand and pointed toward the front door. Louis made eye contact with Harry once more before he composed himself just a bit and made his way to the front door by himself, leaving Harry in the living room.
Louis looked back to him before opening the door and walking out, leaving Harry alone in his flat. It wasn't even five second after Louis left and shut the door behind himself that Harry collapsed onto the floor in sobs. He just let the one person he'd ever love walk out. He was alone and he was broken and he didn't know if any one could ever fix that.