Chapter Text
Satan hated everyone. Literally everyone.
He hated the brightness of the sun in the morning, he hated the smell of flowers, and most of all, he hated every moment that he spent in Hell.
Hell had really gone by the wayside since the early days of fire and brimstone.
Demons these days were too spoiled. They had phones, televisions, and access to universal healthcare.
Spoiled.
What happened to the good old days when Hell was a cesspit of despair?
Demons had gone soft. They had forgotten what it was like to really struggle in a dog-eat-dog world.
"What do you mean I have to take anger management classes?" Satan said calmly.
The sound of his voice shook the earth, sending shockwaves through all of Heaven and Hell.
The horror of the sound made children cry, parents wail, and even the angels in Heaven had to plug their ears.
That was the effect of Satan speaking in his "calm voice".
Lucifer Morningstar, Satan's boss, had finally decided that enough was enough.
"You can't keep doing whatever you want. You're out of control."
The golden angel's voice had a soft, musical ring to it. Almost anyone in the whole world would have found his voice calm, reasonable, and even soothing.
It only made Satan go ballistic.
"I'm completely in control!" He said.
He picked up the nearest couch and threw it out the window.
The couch flew so far and so fast, that it shattered half the building.
When it fell from the sky, it turned into a deadly weapon, burning up on re-entry from the atmosphere.
There was a deafening boom as one of Hell's favorite monuments was reduced to ash.
Lucifer was not amused. He looked more angry than Satan had ever seen him.
His tone brooked no argument.
"Anger management classes. Twice a day, every day," the king demanded, shoving a flier into Satan's hands. "I'll personally be watching your every move, and if you don't get your act together, I'm revoking all your privileges."
"Even my video games?"
"Especially your games!"
"NO!!! You monster."
"What did you expect? I'm the ruler of Hell. Now get out of my sight."
Satan growled and stomped away, his heavy footsteps shaking the ground as he went.
People screamed and ran as they passed him on the street. None of them dared even look him in the eyes.
...
While Satan was busy sulking, Lucifer was doing his best to keep himself calm.
He didn't enjoy telling his friend off like that.
He enjoyed the occasional mischief and mayhem here and there, but his friend was growing increasingly out of control.
At first, it was a few fights.
A few fights turned into neighborhood brawls.
Then neighborhood brawls grew into city-wide riots.
The other Sins had to spend the rest of their weekend cleaning up his mess before it turned into an all-out war.
It wasn't like they expected anything less of him.
He was literally Satan, after all.
But this is extreme, even for him, Lucifer thought. What could have possibly upset him this much?
Lucifer felt a strange pit in his stomach when he got a call.
That was odd.
He told his secretary to only let in the most important calls.
Who could possibly be brave enough to interrupt the ruler of Hell in the middle of an important talk?
Lucifer paged his secretary. "Gladys, I thought I told you this was an emergency meeting. Who's on the line?"
Gladys, a thin, underpaid imp who worn horned-rim glasses, shivered as she walked into the room.
"I-it's very important, sir. Y-you really need to pick it up," she stammered.
Lucifer gave her an odd look. That wasn't like her at all. It was like she had seen a ghost.
For the first time in a very, very long time, Lucifer felt a pang of fear.
He thought he had cured himself of that particular weakness ages ago, but in this moment, as he lifted the phone, it felt like time stopped and the whole fate of the world rested on this phone call.
What's wrong with me? Lucifer thought. Why can't I pick it up? It's like my arms are frozen.
The phone rang.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Pick it up, Lucifer commanded his arms. It's just a phone. Why are you hesitating?
Gladys the secretary looked at him with what seemed like genuine concern. "S-sir? Are you alright?"
Lucifer drew a blank. He couldn't let anyone see him lose his cool, not even for an instant.
Ring-Ring. Ring ring ring.
"It's perfectly fine. Could you give me some privacy?"
The door slammed shut, and a heavy silence followed.
When Lucifer finally picked up the phone, he laughed at himself for acting so paranoid.
It was probably just Bee asking for a late night snack, or maybe Asmodeus was having romantic trouble again.
The fallen angel steeled himself and cooled his nerves. When he spoke, his voice was clear and calm.
"Lucifer speaking. Bee is that you? I'm in the middle of some very important paperwork, but you can call in another hour."
There was a heavy, uncomfortable silence.
It felt like a scene from a horror movie.
The waiting. The silence.
The crushing wait of the unknown.
"I'm sorry I haven't been home lately. I've been busy at work," said a quiet, almost haunting voice.
Lucifer felt all the color drain from his face. He recognized the voice instantly. How could anyone forget it?
Even so, he couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"God? Is that you?"
It had to be a mistake.
God left. They abandoned this world countless years ago, forsaken Heaven, Hell, and Earth all at the same time.
God's voice was small, but there was a power behind every word They spoke.
"Yeah, it's me. I hope you're eating well. Will you tell Charlie I love her?" God asked.
Lucifer cycled between fear, disbelief, and then anger.
"You disappear for seven years and that's all you have to say to me?"
God's voice took on a strangely innocent tone. "Didn't you get my letters?"
Letters? What letters? He must be making this up to distract me.
"Sly old God. You're already back to your evil tricks. But I know the truth. You can't fool me."
God sounded genuinely confused. "What truth would that be?"
Lucifer scoffed. "I know you're the one that plotted the Angel Exterminations. You have everyone fooled into thinking you're this kind, benevolent God, but you were just waiting for the chance to steal Hell from under me, weren't you?"
"Angel Exterminations? What are you talking about?" God asked.
Lucifer felt like a deflated balloon. "I thought you were supposed to know everything."
God's answer was confusing and vague. "It's complicated. I gave people free will for a reason."
Lucifer couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Yeah, well your angels have been using that 'free will' to start a reign of terror over all of Hell."
Seven years.
Seven years of nightmares.
Seven years of waking up every morning, watching legions of angels descend from the sky with their hideous masks painted with evil white grins.
Seven years of hatred, fear, and wondering if this truly was the end of everything that Lucifer had built.
He had spent millennia building a kingdom from a pit of fire and sulfur, the same pit God had abandoned him in all those years ago.
Lucifer felt a sob in the back of his throat. "You can't just show up here out of nowhere and pretend that everything is okay."
"Don't worry, Lucifer. I'll wipe all your tears away."
Then the line went dead.
Lucifer felt the pit in his stomach grow into an abyss.
This was it. He knew it.
That last line was a threat.
God was finally going to make good on his promises. Lucifer knew it.
Any minute now, God would descend upon Hell with an army of a billion angels to finally put an end to Their extermination campaign once and for all.
Lucifer hit the panic button and immediately sounded the alarm.
"Code Black. Code Black! Everyone man your battle stations. The angels are attacking. I repeat. The gates of Heaven are open. It's Final Days. The End Times. Judgment Day has arrived. To arms. If you don't fight for your life today, you won't life long enough to see tomorrow."
The sudden alarm caused mayhem in the streets.
It didn't matter. There were still enough competent soldiers in Hell who got the gist of Lucifer's message.
First, the Hellhounds marched in the streets, rallying the cowards and pushing them to the front lines of the battlefield.
The Imps grabbed their guns, their knives, and their maces, armed to the teeth.
The rich, rather snobbish Goetia demons were slow to the draw.
At first, they didn't seem to take the command seriously. The minute they saw the crowd growing in the streets, they knew this was no false alarm.
In an instant, their eyes glowed a bright red, the Goetia mixing into the crowd and using their powers to conjure nightmares no mortal mind could see or understand.
"Is this really the end?" a voice said.
It was Bee, one of Lucifer's most trusted commanders. One of the Seven Sins.
Lucifer refused to give up. He drew a sword and the weapon gleamed with unholy fire. "No. Never. I won't let them take my home away from me. They'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands."
A fierce battle-cry rose from the army.
Then an uneasy hush fell over the crowd.
The fluttering of wings. The sight of bright white light.
It was like a rainbow had broken through the clouds of darkness and gloom and revealed a beauty unlike anything the demons had ever seen in their lives.
Even Lucifer was momentarily stunned.
"Don't let their beauty fool you. The angels only come to bring death. Brace yourselves," he cried.
Holy music filled the air.
Hope fled from Lucifer as the Glory of God landed in the center of Pentagram City.
Lucifer counted 12,000 angels.
No mortal army could stand against them.
"Charge!" Lucifer commanded.
All the forces of Hell charged forward and then...
Stopped.
"What in the...?" someone cried out. A demon, clearly.
No one could understand the strange scene before them.
The angels of Heaven had come into Hell like a conquering army.
Then they immediately started bowing.
Lucifer almost thought that they were surrendering.
Then he realized with horror that wasn't the case at all.
They were...they were...
Apologizing?
"We're terribly sorry for our actions!" the angels said, tears streaming down their faces. "We promise we'll never do it again."
For the first time in his long, very long life, Lucifer had nothing to say.
Only one word filled his mind.
"Huh?"
What just happened?