Work Text:
"Morning has broken of a life's unbridled loving emotions.
This yearning unspoken of love's hidden emotional roller coaster...
Overcoming roughened hills like as stilts to be constantly climbing,
With life's brakes, always applied with resistance of this abandoned
yearning of love's ever compassioned burning-not far from a torturious Hell."
Between a lot of bones and corpses, a particular corpse was found.
Small, damaged, bloody.
Chuuya's eyes were closed, his hands were cold as a corpse should be, his skin was paler than the normal.
And destruction surrounded him, the souls that he took with him. The little one was spread at the ground, killed by his own ability.
They found his corpse in the middle of the night.
Next morning, they called the loved ones.
◆◇◆◇
"Chuuya Nakahara is dead." Dazai received the call. For one moment, his heart stopped.
He tried to process what the Akutagawa's voice was telling him. Dead. Chuuya is dead. My Chuuya is dead.
He sighs.
"That's not my problem. I'm not in the Mafia anymore." He sounds emotionless, but letting his voice drop, not wanting Akutagawa to hear his weakness.
There was a weird silence on the other line. Then, Dazai heard a scream.
"That's how you fucking react?!?! Can you at least pretend to care you fucking asshole??" Akutagawa screamed.
"People die, Akutagawa."
"Forget it. I'm giving up on you. You left him, you left us. I hope you burn on hell, fucking asshole."
Dazai only listened the 'beep' of the phone.
Chuuya is dead.
He repeats over and over, trying to understand it.
Chuuya
is
dead.
It doesn't matter how many times he repeated, he wouldn't get over.
He closed his eyes slowly and bit his bottom lip.
"Pretend it never happened."
~flashback~
"I love you, Chuuya." Dazai whispered onto his ear. The redhead blushed violently, putting his arms around Dazai's neck.
"Don't say embarrassing things, idiot." Chuuya said low, he felt Dazai's hands on his waist.
"~But it's true, Chuu-Chuu~"The brunette whispered, teasing him.
"I'm gonna kill you if you said something like that again." He hid his head in the curve of Dazai's neck. "Don't call me Chuu-Chuu."
"But it's so cute, Chuu-Chuu" Dazai kissed his forehead and his cheeks. He appreciated that pretty smile on Chuuya's face. " I love you. I love you. I love you." He whispered again, looking into Chuuya's blue eyes.
"Shut up." Chuuya said after a moment.
"I can't hear you, you're too small. Do you want me to tell you in more languages?" He teased him, kissing his cheek. "I love you. Je t'aime. Te quiero. Eu te amo..." He repeated, trying to remember more languages only to tease Chuuya in all of them.
"Shut the fuck up, Dazai." the redhead blushed more. His bottom lip hidden behind his teeth, annoyed.
"I will stop when you answer me. C'mon, you're so mean, Chuuya." Dazai kissed his lips once more.
"I love you too." He hid his face, seeing a smile on Dazai's face.
"Now in french." he whispered to Chuuya.
"Shut up." Chuuya punches his chest and answer in a low voice. "Je t'aime aussi."
~flashback off~
Dazai puts his coat and goes to a brothel.
◇◆◇◆◇
"Dazai-san!" the woman moaned, pulling Dazai's hair hard. She was really close of her orgasm. Her body was sweat, her lips, when weren't calling Dazai's name as a crazy, were kissing his cheek.
"Dazai-san!A-Almost!"
The woman screamed, riding him harder. Dazai only watched the woman losing her control, moaning for more.
Dazai wasn't even horny, touching someone who wasn't Chuuya really didn't matter to him.
At every touch, he doesn't feel nothing. Because it wasn't Chuuya, it wasn't the person he loved.
It didn't matter.
He ignored her moans, sighing bored.
She came hard and both laid. She was breathing heavy. Dazai took a cigarette on the pocket of his coat, the woman put the fire on the tip, watching that thing burn.
The woman did a sign with her hand. He almost forgot about the money.
He casually puts the dirty money on her hand. Her payment for nothing.
Nothing.
You supposed to make me forget. Forget about Chuuya, about how miserable I am.
But she didn't.
He took off the cigarette of his mouth, and released the smoke.
"Dazai-san. Come here." She made him lay on her lap, and caressed his hair gently. "Why are you here?"
"I want to forget something." He whispered.
"This 'something' could be a 'someone'?" She said, caressing his hair gently.
"Yes" he looked at her eyes. The tears were falling from his eyes.
"It helped?" She breathed a little the smoke and said with a beautiful smile.
"No" he whispered.
He felt dirty. He wanted, needed, Chuuya at his side.
I'm disgusting.
I'm a monster.
I'm nothing.
I want to die. Someone please, please kill me.
◇◆◇◆
The days were getting hard to Dazai. Well, the days were always hard to him.
It was a hole. There's a hole on his soul, that was devouring him. Nothing could fill that hole. Everything that tried to fill it, ended up being swallowen into the darkness around.
It was 3am and he couldn't sleep.
He could hear the people on the streets, laughing and living. They were happy.
Happiness. Happiness is a human feeling. He thought, drinking a bottle of wine. Happiness is an ephemeral feeling, that hits on your stomach, gets up to your throat and spreads on your lips in a smile. It comes as fast as it goes.
When people smile, it means that they are happy. He thought of the moments when he smiled most. It was with Chuuya, always coming back to Chuuya.
People smile when they are happy. But, I smiled so many times, and I wasn't happy because Chuuya wasn't with me. So, it's okay if I fake happiness, isn't? It's just smile, and no one will ever know how I truly am.
He concluded.
Do I look happy? I want Chuuya, I want him back. It would be easier, I wouldn't need fake it.
Happiness is a human feeling. I don't think I felt this before. I'm disqualificated as a human being.
I'm a liar.
◇◆◇◆
The agency was celebrating. The war was over, they could finally be in peace with Port Mafia.
All Mafia's members were there to celebrate.
Dazai was drinking wine, when he saw a figure and when realized, he was being pushed into a wall by Akutagawa. All the members, of the Agency and the Mafia, stopped.
"You! You left him!" He screamed, pressing his neck hard. Dazai was emotionless. "If you were there he could be saved!" Akutagawa cried, cashing all his anger on Dazai.
He is right. He is right.
If I was there, Chuuya would be here, with me.
I would be loving Chuuya, I would be kissing him, and teasing him, and making stupid jokes about his hat and how tiny he was.
He is right.
It's my fault.
Akutagawa pressed his neck, Dazai couldn't even try to breathe. He wasn't desesperate for his life, he wanted to die. He wasn't seeing no point on living anymore. I deserve it. Please, kill me.
I'm useless. I don't know why I'm still here. I can't do this without him.
He smiles, not feeling his lungs catching air anymore. Not feeling his feet on the ground, breathing heavy.
After all, I need Chuuya with me.
The air wasn't reaching his lungs. He couldn't think straight anymore.
Kill me.
Akutagawa's hands pressed his neck harder onto the wall. Dazai didn't care.
Kill me.
I hurt him. He is dead.
It's my fault.
Kill me, kill me.
Kunikida and Atsushi broke off Akutagawa.
Dazai was finally breathing, hearing Kunikida's screams about how suicidal he was, and what was he thinking.
He could barely think.
"I'm a suicidal, Kunikida. I desire death." He said with a creepy smirk coloring his face.
He walked away out of the party, letting everyone confused. He took a glass of wine and some cigarettes, and started to drink.
" This disheartened depression sinks deeply, into my bones, as well.
An emptied hole left inside my heart-Of this loved one, that has since
did fastly and lonely desert and depart.
This abnormal dismal empty feeling has left me oh so sadly reeling.
A heart once was whole and unpierced"
◇◆◇◆◇
Dazai's empty days were filled by prostitutes, alcohol and cigarettes. His suicide attempts were getting messier.
A month. A month since Chuuya died.
The funeral was next week and he wasn't ready.
He couldn't see Chuuya's body, if he did, he would probably cry, he would show his weakness.
No. No, he couldn't. Did Chuuya died hating me? I can't stand this. Did Chuuya missed me? Did Chuuya wanted me?
I want to kiss you. I want to marry you. I want to love you. I want to make love to you again. Please, Chuuya come back. Come back to me.
Dazai lost the counts how many shots he drank. It really didn't matter to him.
I want to forget you. I want to destroy you for destroying me. I wish I could hate you, but I can't. Fuck. Just.. come back to me.
He walked onto the pharmacy, already too high, he could barely walk or talk. It was probably the thirty time that he was there in the week to look for drugs.
"You're here again. You came early today. It's 2am, we're closed."
"I-I need something more..s-strong" he stammered.
"Dazai, you're drunk. Go home talk with some person that you love." She said gently.
"Love?" He cackled. "Look what love done to me! I'm a monster! Love, love, love...what's good for? I will answer!" He stumbled, getting closer of the woman's ear. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What is love after all? This... this.. what you call love.. I felt this... for him... I loved him.. n-no.. I still love him... I fucking love him."
He cried, snuggling on her arms. He was tired of all, of living.
"D-Dazai-san..."
"Give some morphine. I want to die. I want to die more than ever before. There's no chance now of a recovery. No matter what sort of thing I do, no matter what I do, it's sure to be a failure, just a final coating applied to my shame. All that can happen now is that one foul, humiliating sin will be piled on another, and my sufferings will become only the more acute. I want to die. I must die. Living itself is the source of sin."
"I-I can't. I'm so sorry." She said, caressing Dazai's hair like he was a little child.
"Please, I need to numb the pain. It's fucking killing me." he whimpered on her shoulder. "I will pay you. I can pay you with whatever you want. Sex, drinks,anything. But give me the morphine"
They went to some alleyway. She was desperate for sex, he was desperate for actually feel something that isn't pain, they fucked hard when arrived her apartment.
It doesn't matter anyway, Chuuya's ghost was always there, haunting him.
After a while, she gives him a whole box of morphine.
◇◆◇◆◇
He came home and injected the drug on his left arm. A sigh of relief escaped from his lips.
The feeling was amazing.
He felt numb, and happy. For the very first time after Chuuya's death, he was happy.
He laughed and cried at the same time.
"Look what you did to me, Chuu-Chuu. Well, actually it is fair, right? I killed you, now you're killing me."
He laughed, remembering of their moments together. Of that smile, that hair, that lips.
"Aww, my baby Chuuya. We will see each other again, I promise." He whispered, injecting one more dose on his arm. "I'm a monster. I'm no longer human."
He cried, letting the tears dancing on his face. His apartment was a completely mess, and dark.
Dazai always lived on darkness. When he met Chuuya, he met the light.
He is a ghost, he belongs to darkness. He knew he would get blind.
"I love you, Chuuya."
He took some pills to accelerate the process of death, and drank more and more wine, more alcohol drowning on his veins.
He was too numb, too crazy, he lost his sanity when he lost Chuuya.
He lost everything. His sanity, his humanity, the thing that he one day called life. The feelings, the love, the pain. He couldn't feel them anymore.
He only felt something when he was with Chuuya, he only felt alive with Chuuya.
Dazai lived for Chuuya, and he died for him too.
His corpse was found on the next morning. On his face, rested a smile.
Now resides intact and pieced in half, Oh so broken and saddened
so fierced.
Love will never encroach my path...
I'll forever more soak in my dismal blackened depressing bath.
All alone as for the 'morrow...
Sadly stained with tainted sorrow.