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Daniel Cleaver couldn't remember the last time he fell in love. Sure, women had come and gone but none had ever lasted for more than a few months at best. He’d give the same excuse each time, “I'm just not ready for a relationship, I'm busy with work, I'm not sure if I want the commitment…”. Brush it off again as another casual fling and then run away, run like he always did. Because honestly, he never felt something more with any of them anyway, and couldn't bear to see the look in their eyes after.
There was always Lara, across the world, prowling past the office of whatever businessman she had pinched between her fingers this time. She'd slow her pace, let her nails drag across the edge of their desk, and glance out from the corner of her square framed glasses with desire. The same routine she did to him, obviously. They were the same in that way; ready to have some fun, to have a fancy dinner, stay the night, fuck for the thrill and pretend like you're in love. It was easy with Lara, easy to know what he was getting himself into and easy to know how to get out. She understood the excuses in knowing silence, repeating the same stories back until they both gave up on explaining. He never needed to ask what they were- they met up whenever he was in New York or she was in London, catch up over coffee and end the night in the bedroom. Sometimes they even asked about each other's love lives. An inside joke, in a way.
But, he couldn't help but miss the warmth in his chest, the dreamy spiral and obsession that came with falling in love. Until her- Bridget. When he saw her at the book launch for another pretentious new age philosopher, in that dark satin dress, something stirred inside him. Of course, he had noticed her shooting him eyes whenever she gave the weekly business report. He had flirted with her casually before, remarking whenever she wore a particularly short skirt to the office. But that night, he felt his heart skip a beat when he saw her talking to none other than Mark Darcy, his ex- best friend. Much like typical Mark, they stood almost a metre away making awkward conversation. They both looked up at the same time, locking eyes with him across the room. One pair brown and one pair blue, Daniel wasn't sure who he was looking at. He couldn't sworn they both stumbled over their words. He hurriedly pretended to grab a glass of champagne.
And that was that, he took her to dinner, then back to his apartment, and they became basically an item. He could never stop thinking of that night, which must be a good sign. A sign he finally was falling, infatuated. The jealousy that tightened his chest when he saw her and Mark still stung slightly. What was his problem? Even in a city as big as London he managed to show up at every conference they put on. It was getting annoying. Or worse, his face would pop up in the paper, another successful court case like the top barrister he was.
Mark cut him off a year ago.
It stung. It stung even more knowing Daniel himself was in the wrong. It was a late night, he was drunk, he can’t even remember why he did it. Jealously coursing through his veins as day after day went by, Mark holding hands with her, kissing her, putting a ring on her finger. They got married. Mark was in love. Daniel didn’t know why that hurt so much. The only possible explanation to his intoxicated mind must be that he was also in love with her. And logically, after seeing them fawn over each other the whole wedding, feeding each other food with smiles that should have been his, he kissed her. And she kissed him back.
And everything was all wrong. The little sober part of his brain screaming at him to stop wasn’t loud enough to cover the five shots and bottle of prosecco he had downed in the last few hours. She kept escalating it, suddenly there was a hand under his shirt and he felt like he was just moving along with the tide, getting washed away. He didn’t think until he heard the door open. Mark gasped and he could feel his eyes burning into his back. Why did he do this? He wasn’t sober enough to think of an explanation before Mark shouted to “Get out of my house and never come back.”. Tears were streaming down his face. Staring at those brown eyes, Daniel couldn't help but feel like he had broken more than his best friend’s heart.
That was all in the past now. He shouldn’t dwell on it. People come and go. They were just old friends. He’d just have to deal with it.
Bridget was undeniably in love with him. It wasn’t hard to tell, the way she changed after he took her to dinner. She was more confident, wore different clothes(but always that tiny little skirt), and looked happier. Daniel wished nothing more than to return this love, but he just couldn’t. What the fuck was wrong with him? He had the perfect girl who was funny, beautiful, kind, sincere, and never afraid to have fun. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t find that spark to push him over the edge and let him truly fall in love. He tried to keep it non-committal, mention to her a few times how they were just sleeping together, but it was clear she didn’t feel that way.
Maybe all he needed was a break. It was probably just work, stressing him out enough that he couldn’t find the space to love like he was supposed to. Impromptu, he suggested to Bridget that they go on a little break for a week. As she would say, a mini break must mean true love. He knew of a quaint homestay out in Alconbury, secluded from the world with nothing but expanses of grass fields and pristine lakes. Come to think of it, it was something Mark mentioned years ago, a place he would disappear to from time to time when he needed to get a particularly grueling case done.
He picked Bridget up, speeding down the countryside in his blue Mercedes as they screamed along to the songs on the radio. He couldn’t deny that he did love spending time with Bridget. She was easily one of the most genuine people he had ever met. Nothing was ever a secret with her. Which made him feel all the more guilty for leading her on, but he’d feel even more guilty if he didn’t give her a proper chance.
He revved the engine as they pulled into the lodge’s driveway. Everything was so beautifully quiet here, the sound just travelled as far as the hills. He helped Bridget out of the car, taking her hand with a kiss that she took gracefully. Grabbing their various suitcases from the boot and hurling them indoors as Bridget talked to the front desk. “It's very quiet here, isn't it? Are we the only guests, or...” she asked.
“There’s a wedding, but other than that I believe there are just four of you here this week.” the receptionist replies, checking through her computer.
He looked up to see the person coming down the stairs. Fuck.
“Well, well”. It’s Mark, of all people. “I take it you're also heading for the Alconbury's rockery?”
“Yes, that’s right”
“I brought Natasha - get a bit of world done, thought I might make it a not entirely wasted weekend.”. He looks backwards at Natasha, who is now coming down the stairs, and then exchanges glances with Bridget, purposely ignoring Daniel.
“How interesting”. Daniel hated to think what that work could be. “What a gripping life you lead”. He sneers as Mark grabs Natasha’s hand on the way out.
Bridget insists they go out on the rowboats at sunset. He helps her from the small jetty onto the rickety boat, which starts wobbling concerningly as she sets foot. He jumps in his own, letting it sink slightly and then level with their weight before he starts to row.
Bridget starts reciting poetry, certainly too loud for such an empty lake. “Season of mist! And mellow fruitlessness!”. Luckily, the only people there to bother are unsurprisingly, Natasha and Mark, sitting in a barely moving rowboat fussing over a pile of yellow documents. He looks positively thrilled. Daniel can’t help but yell louder to save him from whatever mind numbing work they must be doing. Who in their right mind does this on a romantic holiday?? “Ohh, fuck me I love Keats” he shouts in their direction. Something about this feels like they’re in university again, Daniel riling Mark up anytime he spent too long studying in their dorm and he decided he needed a break.
“Have you heard this one? There was a young woman from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling. She lay on her back and opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling."
He looks over at their boat, met with Natasha frowning at him with repulsion. Behind her, Mark is furrowing his brow the way he does when he’s trying not to smile.
That feels like an achievement, making him (almost) smile again. Like he used to. Taking a drag of his cigarette, he starts rowing towards Bridget. Their boats bump slightly, making the water around them ripple. Daniel has determined that he won’t leave without properly ruining any work that Mark could be doing.
He stands up, a risky maneuver in such an unsteady vessel. “I’m KING OF THE WORLD!” he yells, as the boats give way and tip, hurling him face first into the water.
He emerges, his limp cigarette still in his mouth but tasting of murky lake water. He shakes the water off his hair as he sees Natasha shaking his head at him in disgust. Mark is clearly trying to stifle his laugh.
“Hey, Darce!”. He hasn’t said that nickname in a long time. Just using it feels like a step too far. “Come on in, the water's lovely!”. Mark shakes his head in response. “Come on, you're working too hard mate.” He finally lets out a small smirk that drops the second he looks back at Natasha, before rowing away.
As expected, he and Bridget have sex that night. It’s… good enough. The four poster bed with silk sheets makes it better than usual. She’s so loud, Daniel wonders how much of this Mark and Natasha can hear from the room next door. He wonders if he’s jealous. Then he stops because thinking of Mark while having sex is making him nauseous. And it’s fucking weird.
“Do you love me?”
He wonders who he does love. He loves Bridget, of course. But he’s not in love with her. Back in his university days this would be so much easier. It was just him and Darce, they were the pair, the unlikely duo and there was no one else. No girlfriends, no exes, no need for complicated love. Just them.
“Daniel. Do you love me?”
He jolts out of his thoughts. “What- oh”. He doesn’t know how to answer. He doesn’t want to break her heart right now, after the lovely day they’ve had. So he rolls on top of her to kiss her again. As if that would make up for his noncommitment.
Each kiss now feels suffocating. He knows he has to break this off soon before she starts believing they’ll get married. He doesn’t know how he’ll do that. She’ll definitely hate him afterwards, like all the other girlfriends he had attempted to love. Except this time, losing Bridget as a friend will hurt. He hopes if he does it now, he’ll keep his reputation as the “bonafide sex god” who left rather than the ignorant boyfriend who dragged it on for years.
As she starts drifting to sleep, he gets up, removing her arm from around his chest.
“Daniel? Where are you going?” she mumbles sleepily.
“Just getting a breath of fresh air”
He puts his clothes on, then goes downstairs and steps outside into the crisp night air. He shivers in his thin cotton shirt. The half moon shines brightly through the clouds. He lights a cigarette, taking in a deep breath of smoke and letting it dissipate back into the breeze. The tip burns orange, a speck of light amongst the otherwise blue rockery under the moonlight. He can still hear the faint orchestral music and chatter of the wedding in the courtyard.
There’s a figure in the garden, staring at the lake and the rolling hills. Daniel takes a step forwards, the noise making the silhouette turn. Fucking hell, it’s Mark. He takes in a breath as he sees him and Daniel notices atleast 5 emotions pass across his face before he settles into his usual vacant expression. He’s still wearing the too-fancy suit from earlier.
Something about seeing Mark by surprise like this is… different. The moonlight highlights his face around his eyes and reflects off his fluffy brown hair. He looks… beautiful. This isn’t an entirely new thought. Daniel used to tell him all the time, he was definitely hot enough to get any girl he wanted. But he never wanted to. Mark just stayed in their dorm, studying. He didn’t need anyone but Daniel’s company. He missed those days so fucking much.
“Darce? What are you doing out here?”
“I just went out for a breath of air.” he replies.
“Same here”. There didn’t used to be this awkwardness between them, before Daniel had to go and fuck everything up.
“I needed a break from Natasha- she seems to want to finish this whole case tonight, and it was getting a bit tiring.”
“You two are actually working right now?”
“Yeah, what else did you think?”
Daniel scoffs. “I thought you guys must be fucking in there.”
“Oh- no, she’s just a close friend. She knows I- nevermind.”
“I don’t know what I expected, really. This is just like you. Going to a beautiful place in the countryside with a girl just to spend it looking through depositions”
Mark smiles in response. “And this is just like you, Daniel, going to a beautiful place in the countryside with a girl just to fall into a lake.”
That smile means everything in the world. He wonders what he could have done differently, to keep it just the two of them.
Mark turns to leave, his smile weakening as he walks back towards the door.
“Darce, wait”. Daniel isn’t sure why he says that. He doesn’t have anything to say. So he just stutters, “I- I’m sorry.”.
Mark looks back at him, his eyes suddenly filled with sadness. “Thank you. But, you know, Daniel, I really thought we had something. A real friendship built off trust. And you broke it that day. So I don’t know if I can accept that”. He chokes on the last part of his sentence like he was on the verge of tears, walking away before Daniel has time to respond.
The whole night, Mark's words replay in his mind, destroying him. He doesn’t want to leave their friendship in pieces like this. Even if he can’t fix it, he atleast needs to leave it all behind. Say all his feelings once and for all, or then never see him again. Never see that smile that would never be his, so he never needed to lament about how he was so stupidly smart and stupidly beautiful and always wore those stupid suits. Maybe he could move to New York and live with Lara for a bit.
And he couldn’t stay in this relationship with Bridget any longer. The moment she woke up, he had his suitcase packed. He made some dumb excuse of needing to prepare for a work meeting. She knew he was lying, but it was the best he could think of. He’d probably never see her again either, so it didn’t matter.
He dumped his suitcase in the car. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Mark tapping his foot by the front desk. He stops in his tracks.
“Darce? What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to get a car to go back, Natasha left mine this morning, she got mad at me for not taking this case seriously enough. But the front desk just told me the last one was just booked and the rest were used by the wedding”
“Oh, that’s my bad, I just booked one for Bridget.”
“You’re leaving separately?”
“Yes, I- uhh… broke up with her. In a way.”
“Oh?” Mark looks surprised.
“-Do you want me to give you a lift?”
Unexpectedly, he says yes. They walk over to his car. Before Mark can get in the passenger seat, Daniel grabs his arm to stop him.
“Hey- Darce, I just wanted to say- last night. I really am sorry. I know you can’t accept any explanations but I still want to say them. I don’t know what I was thinking, I was properly drunk and I shouldn’t have done any of it. I was just- sick of seeing you two all the time. I was so jealous of her, and the way she got to take up all your time, and the way she made you laugh the way I used to. After you met her- I don’t know, something between us changed. We used to be that duo, you know, but then after it was you and her and then I was there sometimes. And it doesn’t excuse anything I did, and you don’t need to forgive me, I just want you to know. I really miss our friendship, I really miss you. Every girl I’ve ever been with was to make you jealous. I saw you talking to Bridget, I saw her flirting with you that one night and I just- I don’t know. I love you. I love you Darce, since our university days and I never wanted us to drift apart. And now I’m just begging that you let me be a part of your life again, please, because the times I’ve spent with you have been all I think about for the past year.”
Mark looks back at him in shock, eyes wide. Slowly, he starts to speak. “I- I don’t even know what to say. In a way, sometimes I’m grateful for what you did. It made me realise we had all these holes in our relationship, all these little problems I thought were just part of married life. I just went along with what I thought I was supposed to do. At the end of the day, she cheated as well. She was always going to leave me. Leaving you felt like more of a breakup. Sometimes I wished we could just rewind to what we were before, but I didn’t know how to face you after. I always felt so bitter about it. You were always flirting with some girl, and it did make me jealous. I could never tell you that though, not after we had already barely talked in months. I thought you’d be disgusted if I told you. So I just left, because if you forgot about me that’d be better. It was so hard, not seeing you for so long. I tried to bury myself in work, but it didn’t really help. I realised a while ago it hurt because I lov-”
“Shhh- you don’t have to say it right now”. Daniel cuts him off by cupping his hand around his neck and pressing their lips together in a kiss. Mark kisses back, it’s unlike any other kiss he’s had before. “Darce, please. Will you come home with me?”