Archive of Our Own

He can’t hit respawn, the world won’t let him. The clicking sound coming from his finger pressing against the button of his mouse in a continuous motion is too much, and not enough.

He feels sick.

His eyes are hurting.

There’s no way he’s going to look at the time, if he looks at the time it makes it all real, if he doesn’t look away from the screen it won’t be real. He can hear the fireworks, they are so loud. He keeps clicking to drown the noise, pure desperation filling every cell in his body, he needs to save his friend.

Are they friends? He only knows the guy’s first name.

He only knows his name.

A brightness fills his vision, forcing his eyes shut, the bang comes from right by his window. A firework. It’s too bright to make out any colors from it, green or blue maybe, his eyes hurt even more.

His computer is dark when he opens his eyes again, the screen that informs him that it’s starting up again breaks his focus. Dread fills Avery in a flash as sudden as the one outside his window, his laptop boots up again and he launches Minecraft the second it lets him.

Breathing feels foreign, his mouth keeps filling up with tears that pass by his lips while trying to reach the floor. They’re barely salty. Avery keeps swallowing them without even attempting to wipe any of them away, he knows it would be a wasted effort. His heart feels like it might break out of his ribcage, it hurts. His entire body feels numb, cold, wrong, he’s shivering and his hands are shaking.

His launcher starts updating, Avery wants to throw up, not out of nausea as much but more because his skin feels like it might crack to let out all of the feelings he’s feeling. It’s painful and it feels like he’s in a dream where he knows he’s supposed to get somewhere, but his body won’t cooperate, won’t move an inch. Tears in his eyes have dried up, but his eyes sting and Avery knows they won’t stay away for long, he’s scared to breathe deeply, afraid of what it might awaken.

The icon for minecraft flashes, and soon the application itself starts, Avery leans forward in his chair again, he doesn’t dare to blink in case there’s something that he’ll miss in doing so. He reaches for his mouse with shaking hands, watches as the cursor shakes in minimal movement as well when he drags it over to the button that leads him to his single player worlds. Avery clicks the left button on the mouse and stares.

There’s nothing.

In front of him there screen is asking him to create a world, Avery closes the lid and stands up, every step he takes is shaky, he doesn’t even know where he’s walking to. Every emotion in his body seems to have disappeared, leaving behind a shaking empty shell with a feeling of impending doom. Avery knows that this is a warning for a panic attack, but he’s too exhausted to act on distracting himself. He can’t remember the last thing he ate, nor if he’s been drinking anything for hours, he can’t think of anything besides the man who he has only known for a few hours, but feels like he should’ve known for longer.

His knees finally hit the floor, he felt it coming when the lump in his throat got too much to hold in. Avery lets out a painful sob, he braces his palms against his thighs and uses his arms to support himself while his lungs refuse to take in air. Everything hurts, his eyes sting, his ribs feel like they’re crushing his lungs underneath them, every muscle in his body is starting to ache and his throat hurts from the dry sobs he can’t keep in anymore.

It hurts. His body is in pain and he can’t stop the trembling. Avery is pressing his nails into his thighs as an attempt to stop it all, to give his brain a break, but they’re freshly trimmed and only apply a pressure that feels grounding, but not enough to snap him out of it. He needs to scream, but he doesn’t have any words left, they were all used up on that platform, he knows Derek couldn’t hear him, but he was screaming every word he typed, some extra too.

Time passes, he feels light headed, unsteady.

There are no more tears, just Avery on the floor, struggling to take in oxygen and feeling like he might pass out at any second; he can’t even hear the fireworks outside anymore. His skin feels too tight, the longer strands of his hair stick to his tear stained cheeks, Avery tries to close his mouth to swallow the spit that’s threatening to spill out, but he gets greeted by the intense need to throw up instead. He acts fast and reaches over to his trashcan, bringing it to him and he coughs up everything that still remains in his stomach into it, which isn’t a lot and mostly contains stomach acid.

He knows he needs to eat food or his body will give up on him even worse, nothing that he knows is in his kitchen sounds appealing. Avery takes in a deep breath, which hurts but his lungs accept it and hold the air in until Avery exhales, he can smell the vomit in his breath.

The bubble of silence pops when a purple firework blasts right outside his window, and Avery stares at the light until his eyes get used to the darkness again. He stands up slowly, holding onto his bed that he apparently crashed right next to, while finding his balance again. Every single digit of weight he relies on his feet feels distant, like he’s dreaming, the floor feels soft underneath his feet, like he could fall through it if he jumped.

His body works as if on autopilot, making him walk to the kitchen, his hands open the fridge and take out a container that still has some pasta he made a few days ago when he had to use up the rest of his pesto. Avery doesn’t even warm it up, just sits down on the floor, next to where his table is, with the container and a fork and shoves food into his mouth, chews it for too long until it feels disgusting, and swallows; the cycle continues until Avery realizes that he’s crying again.

He sits down on the kitchen floor, chewing on the empty fork until his teeth are hurting, staring into the still dark apartment, it was still bright outside when he started playing.

Now it’s hours later, and it’s dark.

Is it dark where Derek is as well?

Is he still alive?

Avery decides to brush his teeth, only to get the smell and taste of vomit out of his mouth, he places the now empty box and the fork into his sink with the other cutlery and a few plates that are already in there. To avoid thinking for even just a few seconds, Avery washes them, the box he washes over three times because no matter how much the water burns his hands, it’s not making the box feel clean. His hands are tingling once he steps away from the empty sink.

The bathroom light blinds him when it’s on, so Avery turns it off and uses his memory to navigate his way in there, it’s not big, he’s sure he would have more space if he lived on campus, but it didn’t feel right, he’d have to fill out a form anytime someone wanted to stay overnight. Not that his friends had time to do that anymore, they are all busy with school as well, and his parents won’t let his sister travel alone for that long of a distance. Living off campus gives him better access to the city, and it’s still a walking distance from his university.

He finds his toothbrush and the almost empty tube of toothpaste, he’s been meaning to buy more for over a week now, but anytime he passes a store he forgets and is greeted by the workout of how to get enough toothpaste out when he wants his teeth to feel clean. Which is twice a day these days now that he joined that one study group. His mom thinks it’ll be good for him to make friends from the same field. She doesn’t understand why he picked becoming a nurse over anything business like his parents wanted him to, but she’s still supportive.

Avery spits out the toothpaste and washes the brush, he stares at his shadow in the mirror, suddenly glad that the lights aren’t on. He’s sure his eyebags are horrible to look at, not to mention the crying; he leans down and washes his face with cold water. It eases the stickiness for a moment, feels refreshing, brings his mind back to reality.

The fireworks have slowed down, some still echoing from around the city, Avery takes out the bag from his trashcan and ties it shut, walks to his front door and leaves it resting by it. When he walks back into his bedroom, the laptop’s fan is screaming, as it usually is. He sits down and closes Minecraft, opening up the video analyzing the video that all started from, Avery prays to any god that’ll listen that now he’ll suddenly understand some secret that’ll tell him where Derek is, who he is.

Then he takes back the prayer and only directs it to the god he grew up knowing.

He stares and he replays, heart aching every time Derek types anything in the chat, Avery feels nauseous knowing where this all ends in. He regrets eating, but manages to keep his food inside of him for now. He keeps rewatching, again and again.

There’s no telling when Avery doses off, but it’s somewhere between Derek breaking through the door with a pickaxe, and him finding the gates. Avery’s dreams aren’t kind to him, he dreams about everything that happened, but alternatives.

Maybe if he would’ve gotten there sooner.

Maybe if he solved that one puzzle.

Maybe if he never left Derek’s side.

Maybe if he hadn’t failed.

When he wakes up, it is with an elevated heart rate and cold sweat, Avery almost falls down from his chair with the jolt his body does once he opens his eyes. When he regains his mind, he focuses on everything running in it; alongside the jumbled possibilities, there’s one thing heavy on his mind, the seemingly random line of letters that Derek sent in the chat before everything fell apart, before Avery blacked out for the second time. Avery is sure it’s something important, he knows the other man wouldn’t have sent it if it wasn’t, with all that infinite knowledge and whatnot.

So he pulls up the video he recorded, lets out a breath he wasn’t sure he was holding when it actually exists. Avery clicks it open and scrolls until he finds the part with the text, his eyes threaten to water again when he sees Derek’s minecraft skin the lump in his throat is back.

“Pull yourself together,” the words feel too loud in his room, even if directed to himself by himself, he takes his own advice and writes down the letters and numbers on his hand with the first pen he finds. There isn’t any paper on this table right now, everything is spread on the kitchen table with his coursework.

Avery closes the video when his body threatens him with a gag, and stares at the written text. He doesn’t know what to do with it, is it a code for something? Or maybe a link? It must be a link.

Without thinking about it for a second time, Avery opens his google drive and opens the first folder that he can find, he clicks the search bar and edits the long strip of characters at the end of it to match the ones written on his skin. He double checks it, even triple checks it, and presses enter.

It opens up an actual folder.

Avery stares, there are two things in it, both added an hour ago, he glances at the time and does the math. He feels hopeful for a fracture of time, that Derek has been alive on this side of the year, he could still be alive.

He needs to find him. This time in real life.

The video feels like it’s staring back at Avery, making his skin crawl, he wants to know what it contains but right now he has more pressing matters to grab onto. His eyes wander over to the other file, it looks like it might be text, he clicks it open and it’s a link. He wants to click it, but he feels as if he needs to watch the video in the folder first.

Instead he checks the creator of the files, there’s an email with Derek’s last name on it. Avery rereads it so many times, even spells it out loud just to make sure he isn’t reading it wrong or just plainly hallucinating. He considers sending an email to the man, but holds himself back, he’s not sure he can take not getting a response as an answer.

Or worse, an order to not try to find him.

Avery writes the name Derek Hutchins into the search bar, and not too many relevant links shine to his eyes, so he separates the ones that could be possibly the man that sacrificed himself to save Avery, and starts going through them.

He scrolls through instagram profiles, some he can disregard quite fast, he bites his tongue every time he comes across an account that hasn’t posted anything in years or ever. After hours of staring down every detail from the profile pictures to the captions, he has two possible accounts left, Avery groans and leans back in his chair. It feels hopeless, but he’s not giving up now, he made a promise to Derek and himself, and he intends to keep it.

Neither of the profiles strike out as anything special, so Avery leaves the tabs open and stands up to stretch his legs, the sun is already blinding him through his window, where it’s being reflected from the apartment building across from him.

Avery paces in his room, sits down on his bed and stares back at his laptop, stands back up and walks over to it. He doesn’t sit down on the chair, but goes back to the original search tab and starts looking into everything else instead. He’s not even sure if Derek would be the guy to have an instagram profile, maybe he’s been mentioned somewhere else by name? A news article or a published essay maybe.

A familiar looking way of typing calls to Avery, it’s not even a long part of text, just the preview to a website. He right clicks it open to a new tab, this has to be his way to get forward, the way the words are written on it, the gold details, even if they are minimal to keep the cleanliness of the page, everything about this is telling him that this is his way of finding Derek.

It’s a website advertising possible freelancing jobs Derek could do, it tells things about the man that Avery drinks in, like that he went to Stanford for computer science and engineering, before dropping out. It feels energising, to know these things, knowing Derek’s age and knowing anything about him that isn’t knowing that he was ready to die sacrifice himself for Avery without barely knowing him.

Although Avery guesses Derek knows a lot about him.

He refocuses his attention back to the screen, Derek went to Stanford University, is there any way he still lives somewhere close by? Avery opens up a map to look at the cities close by, it doesn’t actually give him any insight to which direction to look into, so he goes back to scrolling through every search that pops up for Derek’s full name.

He scrolls through profiles he has already looked at, some he combs through again to see if they make more sense with the new information he has, they don’t, more like they just feel even more wrong now. Avery reads through Derek’s websites again, talking out loud to the laptop, maybe to the website, just hoping that something will clear his head and tell him where to go.

He even cries again, stands up and walks to the kitchen to drink water, cries on the kitchen floor out of frustration, and heads back to his room. The phone on his bed catches his attention for the first time since, last year, Avery lets out a sad laugh at his own joke, it’s out of battery which doesn’t surprise him, so he plugs it in, watches as the dark screen tells him the battery is at one percent.

The chair creaks as he sits back down, the browser staring back at him like there’s something he’s missing. He’s chewing on his lips now, trying to force his eyes to focus on the smaller preview text on every link he could click. Some corporate websites have linked Derek’s website to theirs, thanking him for a work well done, none of them are from the same area so Avery tosses out that idea.

Nothing he finds is personal, no repeats from the same area, nothing mentioning doing work in real life. Avery even tries searching up just the last name, and Derek’s Minecraft username, without any hope for a path to more information.

Avery reads through Derek’s website again, and again, looks through every link that he has put there, past jobs, everything feels hopeless. Until one mention of a cafe in Oakland, Avery has never been to California, but he searches up the cafe’s name and only two relevant things hop on the top of the page, websites and an instagram page.

His hands are shaking when he clicks both of them open, his breathing is shaky again, this cafe feels like his last hope right now, if it ends up being another dead end Avery doesn’t know what he’s going to do. Avery takes a deep breath and opens the website, it’s a basic menu and some photos, but the style is identifiable, they were made by Derek.

The instagram page makes it clear that the cafe is a small business, there are photos of events that they have hosted and photos of seasonal specials. There are photos of the workers, some where they’re posing and some that look like candid photos.

And then Avery sees it.

A post that’s just a photo of a phone, but on the screen is the website Avery was just looking at. He opens the post and looks at the photo closer, there’s nothing else to it, but the caption piques his interest.

This local cafe has upgraded, we have a website now! You can look up our permanent menu from there, seasonal products will only get posted on instagram. Thank you to our loyal customer from the neighborhood, who made them with only taking coffee as a payment!

He found him.

Avery breathes, he can breathe without an issue, he’s not even reading the post anymore, just staring at it. He found Derek, he actually found him, he knows where to go from here.

There are multiple states between Avery and Derek, he is staring at the map, Oakland is so far from Alabama, from Birmingham. Last time Avery traveled away was when he moved for university, before that he and his family never traveled besides one road trip to Salt Lake City to a waterpark when he and Cleo were small, and one time they traveled to Kansas City to have a big city holiday. Besides that, that counts to a total three states that he has been in if he counts where he lives now, technically five because they did have to travel through Colorado on that road trip; and through Arkansas to move him to this apartment.

He isn’t giving up now, he has a direction, he has an address to start his search from. There’s still slightly over a week of his break left. Avery can do this. He won’t let anyone besides him decide his future, if he has to fight the path for him he will.

Searching for flights doesn’t lead anywhere, all of them that would leave in the next twenty four hours are too expensive. Next thing Avery is looking up is bus connections, they were a topic in a conversation he found himself in before winter break started.

Avery finds a connection, he looks at the transfers, he’d be in Oakland on Sunday morning if he leaves with one of the buses; one that leaves close to eleven in the evening, and one that leaves at closer to three in the morning. They’d both be in his destination at around the same time, so he buys a ticket to the one that leaves later, in hopes of being able to pack better and catch some sleep. It’s slightly over two hundred dollars, which is significantly less than any of the flights even if he were to fly in a month.

Besides, he worked the entire week around Christmas and made a lot of tips due to people pitying him for working on the holidays, and he already has his bills covered for the next month. He could’ve gone home, his dad offered to pay for his flight, he knows his parents are mad at him for choosing work over family, but they won’t be mad at him forever, and he promised to go home for Easter.

When he has his confirmation for his tickets, Avery goes back to staring at the route he’ll be taking, he doesn’t have too many transfers and none of them are over two hours. Now he has slightly less than ten hours to pack, try to eat, maybe sleep, and get himself to the bus station on time. Instead of doing any of that, Avery keeps staring at the map, at the route the buses will take him on, he has never been to any of these places before. His promise to find Derek overshadows any doubt he might have, because right now nothing else makes sense to Avery except for finding Derek, making sure he’s alive.

What if he isn’t alive when Avery reaches him? What is he going to do then?

Avery trusts his gut feeling, the other man is alive, this pulling feeling Avery has towards finding him would feel different if he wasn’t. If Derek isn’t alive, Avery knows that he’d still rather take knowing that than living in uncertainty for his entire life, and no one else has checked up on him, Avery knows what that’s like, being alone.

He stands up and walks over to his bed, the carpet underneath his feet feeling too soft and hard at the same time, he presses the power button on his phone for ten seconds and waits for it to open. Avery winces when he realizes that he hasn’t been answering anything for over twenty four hours, closer to forty something hours, time has gone by too fast, and the twelve hour trance he was in didn’t help that matter. Avery feels bile rise in his throat again when he thinks about it.

Eventually his phone screen goes bright and Avery types in his pin code, it’s still four zeroes, he never found the need to change it, he scoots up further in his bed to lean against the wall it's against while waiting for all the things to boot up. Most of his notifications are from a bunch of different social media creators he follows, wishing everyone happy new year and so, pictures of parties. There’s a few messages in his family group chat, there’s a photo of his parents in party hats with fireworks in the background, Cleo has reacted to it with a heart, Avery does too.

He has a missed call from his mom, Avery doesn’t know if he can talk to her right now, he sends her a message instead, apologizing for being busy and promising that he’ll call tomorrow. Avery leaves his phone to charge for a little while longer, and stands up, slowly feeling steadier on his feet than he has been. The kitchen lights turn on with a flicker, and he walks over to the table, taking his backpack from underneath it, emptying it out on the table, where some of the stuff, like two notebooks, slide to the floor with a thud.

The backpack gets placed in front of his fridge, and Avery stares at it, he doesn’t know what he’ll need on this trip. He heads to his room and turns off his laptop, he doesn’t bother with tying the charger up into a neat knot, like he usually does, and just shoves it into the bottom of the backpack after putting his laptop into the back pocket meant for it. The next thing he’s searching for is his water bottle, he’ll need that, he finds it underneath his bed. Avery fills up the bottle with the coldest water he can get from the tab, takes a sip from it because it is almost overflowing, the sip turns into him drinking the entire bottle on one go because his body reminds him how dehydrated he has been. He fills it up again and takes one last sip, before closing it and shoving the bottle into the backpack.

He strips himself out of his clothes, that are technically his pyjamas because he didn’t bother changing into actual clothes when he started playing, as he had just woken up. The clothes he ends up choosing are a pair of baggy jeans, a plain black long sleeved shirt with a dark green t-shirt over it, he packs his favourite hoodie with him in case it gets cold.

Without any actual order in the way it’s packed, the backpack is already looking full, Avery shoves his toothbrush and toothpaste in there as well. With that Avery deems his stuff packed well enough, and he still has slightly more than seven hours to go before his bus even takes off. He decides to try and take a nap.

The bed doesn’t feel inviting, it’s too soft and it feels like it is trying to swallow Avery, he doesn’t go under the cover, just pulls one of his fleece blankets on top of him and lays on his side. The room is no longer as bright, the sun having set a few hours ago, Avery didn’t close his curtains, the darkness would be too much, and he finds the city lights comforting these days. When he first moved here, they kept him awake, but now knowing that the city is alive is keeping his heartrate stable for now. When Avery presses his ear against his pillow, he can hear his heart beating. He remembers how hard it was beating when he started exploring the Minecraft world, when those mountains disappeared from underneath him.

When he saw Derek for the first time in that library.

Infinity.

When he last saw Derek on that platform.

So many eyes.

His eyes sting again, and his vision is back to being blurry. There’s no noise, just silent tears rolling down onto the pillow and seeping into it, only real evidence of Avery’s feelings being the damp spot on his black pillowcase. He doesn’t know why he feels so connected to Derek, he barely knows the guy, but Derek chose Avery over himself and Avery isn’t sure he has felt that way in a long time. Not since he graduated high school, now he wants to pay back, he will find Derek and he will help him with this infinite knowledge stuff. Even if he doesn’t quite understand it, he will help. If nothing else, Avery will show Derek that he isn’t alone.

Avery listens to the traffic, it’s slowing down the closer it gets to midnight, but never fully stops. A motorcycle speeds on the street below him, the sounds coming from the motor echo between the buildings.

He thinks about the nights at home, the streets were mostly quiet every night, not that Hoisington ever had too much traffic. Avery misses it, but it became suffocating, which highlighted during his gap year, he did like the restaurant he worked at, he still hasn’t found Mexican food as good in Birmingham. Right now he’s happy for that work experience too, and it was better than working reception at his church like he had done occasionally during school. At least he got to host the bingo in that job, but the amount of old women that loved to ruffle up his hair while complimenting the curls got annoying eventually.

Then when Cleo helped him dye the green stripes into it, they started asking questions about those instead. Avery didn’t mind sticking out of the crowd, it already came with being one of the few mixed kids in every class, the only one that spoke Spanish in elementary school.

Now the green stripes are faded and grown out, Avery dyed them back about half a year ago, but his hair is holding onto the color strongly still, like he is to the memory of the night they were dyed for the first time.

Avery blinks and he’s back in his own room, he checks his phone for the time.

Sleep doesn’t come to him no matter how much he tries, closing his eyes brings a wave of nausea onto him, and the more hours go by the more his heart rate is spiking over the stress of making it to his bus. He doesn’t try to move, his body is exhausted from everything, but he has to get up.

His balance throws itself on a loop when he sits up, but he gains it back fast enough. Avery closes his curtains, he doesn’t know why but it has become a routine anytime he’s leaving for longer than a day, feels like putting his apartment on a pause.

He heads to the couch that separates his bedroom from the small area he likes to call his living room, even though it is the same room and is technically meant for a bigger dinner table, but his dad wanted him to have a couch if he ever invites anyone for a sleepover. So far it has only been used as a storage for clothes and on an occasion Avery naps on it, he doesn’t have a television or anything, so the couch just stares into the wall while the back is covered by Avery’s table where his laptop usually stays when it’s not with him.

Makes the room look less open, he likes it.

The jacket ends up being underneath a few t-shirts, and a sock falls out when Avery picks it up. He pulls on the jacket and picks up his backpack, struggling to find the other loop to put his arm through, he then takes his phone out of charging and shoves the charger into his jacket’s pocket, pulls out his earbuds from the same pocket to make space, and to get music in his ears.

After checking that he has his keys, wallet and phone on him in secure spots where they won’t fall out, Avery pulls his shoes on and picks up the trashbag. His door opens and the sound echoes in the stairwell, Avery closes the door as quietly as possible, makes sure it’s locked, and takes the elevator down to the street floor.

The streets are as quiet as they can get on a Thursday to Friday night, loud for Avery, but he is slowly getting used to it. He yawns and enjoys the cool air entering his lungs, he misses snow, but winters get cold enough here. He throws the trashbag into the dumpster on the way to the correct direction, once he doesn’t have the bag anymore, Avery starts walking towards the train- and bus station, but takes a detour to the grocery store near him.

He passes by some students from his year, they almost bump into each other at the store’s automatic doors. There’s a quick acknowledging look shared between all of them with polite smiles, but no conversation starts, Avery doesn’t want to think about how dead he must look right now. Especially in the fluorescent lights.

The store is bright, his head is pounding and someone bumps into Avery with their cart while he’s looking at the sandwich options, Avery has never been as happy to have his headphones playing music too loudly in his ears. He ends up choosing a tomato mozzarella sandwich, he checks the bus tickets again, the first journey is just slightly under five hours. Avery picks up a bag of his favorite candy and heads to the self check-out registers, until he does a sharp turn and walks over to pick up two energy drinks. Once he’s actually sure he has everything, Avery pays for his things and continues walking, he makes turns he doesn’t need to and walks through new routes.

Walking through different routes is his way of doing his best to ignore the restlessness that keeps growing. How is he supposed to sit on a bus for over fifty hours without knowing how Derek is doing? Does Derek know that Avery is coming to find him? Is he waiting for him?

Avery blinks hard a few times to push away the thoughts, he switches the song to something that takes up most of the space in his brain. He won’t back away now, just like when finding Derek in that world, Avery will push through every obstacle until he reaches the man. He owes him so much. And he’s interested in what Derek looks like. Not because he cares what the man looks like, but he’s allowed to be curious.

He ends up reaching the bus station an hour and a half before his bus leaves, finding the correct place is harder than he originally thought it would be, but Avery finds it and sits down on the ground to wait, passing the time by scrolling on youtube, trying to find interesting videos to watch during the journey he’s taking on. He’s avoiding Derek’s video and that doc on purpose, he doesn’t want to know what is in them, the need to know isn’t getting the best of him with those. At least not yet.

The pavement is radiating cold into him, through his pants, it feels numbing in a way that Avery needs it to be.

Finally his bus arrives, the driver looks at Avery with a questioning look when he stands up from the ground, but doesn’t say anything about it, just looks at his ticket and lets him in. A few other people come in after him, but the bus is mainly empty, he sits on the seventh row and scoots to the window seat, it’s empty enough so he gets to keep the two seats for himself.

The window is cold against his forehead when he leans against it, watching as the bus takes off and starts driving. Avery takes off his jacket and just watches, he can’t pinpoint what he is feeling anymore, like a mix of determination, light headedness and nausea. Maybe anxiety. The buildings pass by, everything turning into the same blurry lines in his vision, the glass no longer feels cold to touch, the blurry buildings turn into blurry scenery.

He can feel the engine running in his bones.

Avery leans back in his seat, the bus lights are blue, it’s dark outside, Avery can feel his eyes growing heavier the longer he looks at the lights, the blur outside of the window isn’t any better. Makes him feel sick if he tries to focus on what he can see. Avery opens the plastic bag he put his groceries in and opens one of the energy drinks, if he remembers correctly, the first stop has a transfer of an hour and a half, and the journey after that is nine hours. He’ll sleep during that one.

Once he can decide that the caffeine is helping him, Avery pulls out his phone and scrolls through his notifications, his mom hasn’t seen his message yet, she will most likely try calling once she wakes up. Avery hopes his voice won’t sound as tired as he feels, and that she doesn’t feel a need to facetime him.

The sandwich tastes surprisingly good for something that was on sale, Avery drops one of the tomato slices on his lap and curses out loud, getting the attention of the person sitting on the other side of the bus from him, but they go back to their phone soon after. Avery plays a game by himself, trying to figure out all of the ingredients just by flavor, even though the filling besides the mozzarella and tomatoes is just mayonnaise and salad that has the possibility to actually taste like salad, if it weren’t so dry. It keeps him entertained for a long enough time, and observing the sunrise keeps him awake until his first stop at Memphis.

Avery makes sure he has all of his stuff, and thanks the bus driver on his way out. The weather is cold, most likely cooler than what it was in Birmingham, but Avery thinks it might just be the tiredness and the warm bus.

He makes sure his next bus is still leaving, and walks through the bus station, even considers getting something from the restaurant. Avery puts the thought on hold, because he could get something to the next bus drive.

Just like he anticipated, his mom calls him at eight in the morning, when she’s awake, which is surprisingly late for her, but his mom does have a small winter holiday as well. Avery finds a quiet enough corner at the bus station, and coughs a few times to clear his voice.

“Morning mom,” he smiles, just to make sure his voice sounds as awake and chipper as possible.

”Good morning, how was your night? Did you go out partying on New Years?” Avery can hear the coffee grinder in the background of his mom’s voice, informing him that his dad is also awake.

Avery nods, even though his mom can’t see it, “My night was fine, I studied late, and no I didn’t go partying…” he tries to think what would sound better than staying at home, “I did go out to see the fireworks with a few friends.” He tries to justify the lie to himself, that was the original plan, he was going to go hang out with some people on the campus, but his study group friend cancelled and he ended up on his computer instead.

His mom’s voice is as energetic as always, there’s a hint of teasing to it now, ”Oh? Which friends… Was the girl, what is her name…” Avery hears his dad say something from the background, ”That girl Amanda, was she there?”

Amanda in fact, was not there, she’s the one who cancelled. Avery does usually spend a lot of time with her outside of school, which his parents picked up on fast, asking if they’re dating and everything parents usually do. They no longer suggest that the two are dating, but like teasing Avery about it anyways, he thinks they might hope that some day he’ll say that they’re dating. Avery laughs slightly at the thought, he has never been interested in Amanda.

“She wasn’t no, she had to cancel due to needing to cover a shift at work. Also tell dad I said good morning.” There’s chatter from the other end of the line, it lasts for almost ten minutes, and Avery sits there patiently waiting, not like he has anywhere else to go.

”Your dad says good morning,” his mom returns, ”He misses you you know, we all do. Christmas wasn’t the same without you here. There are gifts waiting for you here too, and your uncle sent you some money that your dad will transfer to your account today.” She puts weight on the word today, and Avery chuckles, he has gotten his procrastination skills from his father.
They talk about what his family did during the New Year, apparently the neighbors were invited over dinner. His mom sounds sad when she’s telling him about all of it, and Avery feels guilty for not being there, she still asks him how work has been and what his plans are for the rest of his break. Avery lies about shifts he’ll have, to explain why he’s going to be busy.

A dog barks in the station and it echoes all the way into his mom’s ears, and she asks about it. Avery throws in some explanation that his mom luckily buys, but it’s close that she doesn’t follow it with more questions.

Avery is about to say he has to go, he quiets down his voice, “Hey uh- how is Cleo? She didn’t spend the New Year with you two?” He hears his mom take a sharp breath in.

”You know how she is, she’s doing good I think, better. Asked if she could go to a friend’s house and we said yes, I am just happy she’s making friends again. She’s in her room if you want to talk to her?”

“No, let her sleep, I’ll catch up with her later.”

”Okay mi cielo, please don’t be afraid to call. I miss you.”

“I miss you too mom, alright, love you, bye.”

Avery hangs up the call and sits there with his phone resting in his hand. Out of habit he apologizes to God for lying, it’s a grounding ritual rooted in everything, he doesn’t consider himself religious anymore.

He goes by the restaurant, which turns out to be more of a gas station cafe styled thing, and buys a filled baguette. Once he has paid, he stops by the bathroom, before heading to the platform his bus is leaving from.

This bus is full, the person sitting next to him is eating bubblegum that smells like mint. Avery hopes that this won’t be how the entirety of the next nine hours will be like, at least he has the aisle seat and isn’t crushed between the window and another person. His headphones re-charged themselves while he was calling with his mom, so he pops them back in and tries to get some sleep.

Avery fades in and out of sleep on occasion, whenever he’s sleeping, he is greeted by flashes of yellow, gold and red. He feels like he’s being observed every time he’s awake, and he sees the eyes staring at him whenever he’s asleep. He’s awake enough to pinpoint the bus turning, asleep enough to see those worlds again, awake enough to hear the person next to him cough and asleep enough to hear himself yell Derek’s name in his own room.

And then he’s falling down from that platform again. It’s weird how real it feels now, and how real it felt in the moment, like staring into the screen for so long gave him the ability to actually feel through his Minecraft character.

He jolts up, and is greeted by the person sitting next to him trying to talk to him, “Dude chill, can I go to the bathroom?” It takes Avery a while to register what he’s been asked, but once he does he stands up and lets the person stand up, he gets his heartrate back to normal by the time they’re back and both are sitting on their own seats. Avery checks the time, he still has almost four hours left of this one, and the amount of people in the bus is starting to change the air into something no human should be able to breathe.

Time feels like it’s passing by even more slowly than it should, Avery wonders if it’s a side-effect from feeling ill and like the air he’s breathing isn’t enough for his lungs to be satisfied. The person sitting behind him is snoring loudly and Avery can hear it through his headphones, somewhere during his attempt of sleeping, his phone has lowered the voice automatically; Avery turns it back up. Screw his ability to hear.

Every once in a while they travel through some city or town, the bus even stops at a few, emptying out the amount of people in it. It gets easier to breathe after a fifteen minute stop in some town Avery missed the name of, all he knows is that he’s in Arkansas. New state logged into the ones he has been in.

By the time the bus reaches Dallas, the time is climbing over six in the evening, there was some delay but Avery doesn’t mind, he would’ve had an hour long transfer anyways. The next bus he has is going to be on the road for the entire night. Twelve hours. Avery’s muscles lock up just thinking about it, the bus station isn’t offering much in terms of spending the time, so Avery ends up standing outside without his headphones, letting them charge in their case again, and observing the buses that are coming and going.

He looks at all the places he could go to from here, wonders what it would be like to just travel without a plan, take a bus somewhere and hop on the first one that has seats left from there. Maybe he could do that during the next time he has a break? Even bring Derek with him if the man wants to keep in contact with Avery.

The bathroom inside the station costs a dollar to use, Avery pays for it with a grumble and heads inside, he washes his face with cold water and drinks some from the tap as well. With a struggle, he pulls out his toothbrush out of the backpack, digs even further into it for the toothpaste that keeps slipping away from his fingers.

Someone else with a big backpack asks to borrow his toothpaste, and Avery puts some on their toothbrush after agreeing, they end up talking about where they’re coming from and where they’re heading to. It’s a pleasant chat, and Avery feels slightly more alive after it, still tired, his body is telling him to lay down but also to go for a run.

Once he gets into his bus, Avery asks the driver if there are any two seats that are free, and luckily for him, there are many. He didn’t have the extra money to spend on reserving seats.

Avery finds himself a spot that’s closer to the back of the bus, not the last row, he waits to see if the bus is going to fill up by a lot, but it doesn’t. It ends up being half full, if he can trust his calculations. He takes off his shoes and sits sideways on the seats, back against the window, Avery places his jacket as support for his back and pulls out his hoodie to use as a makeshift blanket. It’s surprisingly comfortable, for a bus seat that could be softer, the window is seeping cold into his body through his shirts, but it’s grounding, real. Avery takes his earbuds out of their case, and puts them on again, quieting down the world around him, leaning his head against the seat. Sleep welcomes him quite fast once the bus arrives on the motorway.

It’s not luxurious, or continuous in any form, but it’s rest that is welcome, he still dreams about yellow.

Someone in the bus is talking on the phone too loud, which wakes Avery up, the earbud from his left ear has fallen off onto his lap and he picks it up, shoving it into his ear. Closing his eyes doesn’t bring sleep back, and the more he wakes up the more Avery realizes that his body feels just as exhausted as it did before this bus. There’s a headache that’s forming as well.

His muscles are aching, they feel like they’re locked in place and no matter how much Avery stretches in his seat he can’t make his body feel like it should exist.

Ache.

So much ache.

The clock on his phone flashes the time four in the morning, meaning he did get almost six hours of sleep in total. Sleeping seems to have woken his appetite back up, and Avery digs up the baguette he bought from the first stop, and the other energy drink he still has. There’s no one sitting on the other side of the aisle from him, so he stays leaning against the window on his side and looks into the darkness from the window opposite to him, there’s an occasional light and he can spot towns or houses further away from the road the bus is on.

Avery isn’t sure if it’s the exhaustion, or the phone call he had with his mom earlier, but he thinks about his sister. He finds himself playing with the green strands of his hair, he misses knowing things about Cleo’s life, only getting updates through their parents and Cleo’s instagram these days. She deleted him from the followers of her private account as well, he only follows the one meant for family members and acquaintances.

Before he starts crying again, Avery distracts himself with a video essay about Minecraft pvp.

El Paso is still dark when the bus parks there, it takes a while for Avery to put his shoes back on and making sure he still has all of his things on him, he dozed off for the last two hours of the journey.

This bus station has a restaurant, but Avery doesn’t even go inside, he goes to walk around, finds himself at the outside of a theater. He walks around it and takes a few photos, he sends them to his study group without any explanation. Avery finds an information center, but it only opens at eight, so he can’t go in, just looks in through the windows.

He starts heading back once there’s fifteen minutes left til his next bus, the longest journey on this entire trip, it doesn’t feel real that he has been on the road for over twenty four hours at this point.

It hits him that he’s just a day away from Derek.

There’s a family sitting at the back with him on the bus, Avery ended up sitting in the row at the back, back against the window once again. The family is speaking Spanish and Avery feels an odd sense of nostalgia.

A bitter sense of sweetness fills his mind, he tastes his dad’s self made ketchup on his tongue for some reason.

It takes a while until the bus takes off, something about the engine not starting up at first. The sun shining into Avery’s eyes through the window once they leave the station is warm on his skin, he falls asleep again.

When he wakes up, he’s two hours into the journey and the kids of the family are sleeping on the back row as well. The other leaning against the window on the opposite side of Avery, and the other leaning their body against their sibling’s legs. He can’t help but smile at the view, before pulling out his phone and fixing the way he’s sitting. The view outside is barren, but beautiful nonetheless, Avery takes in every rock he sees, knowing that this is an experience he might not get again anytime soon.

His phone complains about an empty battery, and Avery struggles to find the port he can charge his phone from, once he does. He opens up the family group chat to read through the conversation that has occurred during the time he was out. It’s mostly about a grocery list and if they should buy ice cream, Avery smiles at his phone.

Then he pays attention to the string of letters and numbers still written on his hand, they’re worn out by now, no longer easy to read, but they’re there. A physical reminder of those two files that Avery has not opened, hasn’t dared to. Avery looks at the upcoming journey he still has ahead of him, and decides that he’s going to build up enough courage to look through them on the bus from Los Angeles to Oakland. It’ll be at night too, so if he does end up crying, he can hide behind the darkness. Unless the bus is going to be full.

Avery opens up the candy he bought at the start of his trip, careful to not make too much noise and wake the kids up, the sweetness on his tongue is refreshing, it hasn’t been that long since Avery ate something that would count as candy, but after all the traveling he’s been doing it feels heavenly.

Time is moving slowly, the scenery is not changing, minutes are passing and Avery dozes off every once in a while, feeling as exhausted every time he wakes back up. He checks his phone again and answers the questions his friends have. One of them sent a picture of his own as an answer, a picture of his parents’ cat. Avery’s dad is allergic to cats so they never could get one, no matter how much he asked for one.

The candy keeps his hunger at bay for the next seven hours, those hours pass by both fast and slow, Avery isn’t sure he exists if he’s not looking at his phone. The music in his ears keeps everything else away, leaving just the moving scenery and Avery in the world, his eyes rest on it, he’s taking it all in and loving it.

Sunset is already painting the world in different colours, the sky turning pink and orange.

When was the last time Avery enjoyed the sunset? Must have been the last time he was visiting home.

By the time there’s still five hours left of the journey, Avery is regretting not buying anything from El Paso. He’s hungry and the thirty five minute transfer he has in LA isn’t giving him much hope for finding a store. Avery opens up the map to look at the area surrounding the stop he’ll have to hop on the next bus from, there’s one good looking fast food restaurant that’s open around the clock next to it, which Avery sets his sights on.

He survives the rest of the hours with water and the remaining candy.

Los Angeles, even just from the Union Station, is a lot, Avery itches to go and explore and he knows if he were here for any other reason than getting to Derek, he would bolt, but the urge doesn’t overgrow the need to find the other man.

The restaurant is not too busy, there’s a line, but it seems to be going fast and Avery doesn’t feel like he won’t make it to the next bus without food. He orders a basic hamburger and some waffles to go, and waits, scrolls on his phone without his headphones on, listening to the chatter around him.

Avery does have to run to make it to his last bus, but he makes it in time, tries to catch his breath while he waits for his ticket to be checked. He gets a window seat at the back again, this time with no one to share the row with. He bites into the hamburger as soon as the bust starts moving, but stops to take a few pictures from the bus window where it’s recognizable where he is.

He opens his and Cleo’s messages, the last one being from half a year ago, a message from Avery asking how she’s doing, but she never gave him an answer. Avery shakes the sadness off, and sends the pictures to her anyways, he knows she won’t tell their parents. He sends one more message afterwards, promising to take her to LA someday.

The rest of the burger doesn’t taste as good, because Avery is slowly realizing that in about seven hours he will be in Oakland, the city where Derek is in. He feels anxious, both in a bad and in a good way, the food threatens to return into his mouth and he swallows it down with water. He leaves the waffles untouched for now, not daring to risk it, cursing that he didn’t find any energy drinks to buy. Avery stares at the map, at the dot that is his location and how it moves towards his destination.

Closer and closer by every minute.

And still so far.

Since he’s alone, he once again takes his shoes off and straightens up his legs on the seats next to him. Avery tries to ignore how shaky his hands are, while he’s pulling out his headphones and phone, opening the folder Derek left things for him to find. The video is the first one Avery decides to watch, it’s first in the folder, it feels important to see it first.

It starts out calm, maybe not calm but, it feels good to see Derek exist. Avery does scoff out loud when the other man figures out the mountains, and then he tenses up when the fake Avery appears in the video.

Derek recognizing that it’s not actually Avery makes Avery’s heart rate speed up momentarily.

Watching Derek explore that world, figure out its rules and just being is almost enough for Avery to forget how this all ends. But there are pieces that he’s missing, parts that he doesn’t know but wants to be aware of.

Derek left those signs for him.

He sees himself, he feels sick again when he sees the part he blacked out for the second time in. Dread fills him again when he sees it. Pure fear courses through his veins, he can’t help but feel like he’s being watched again even if he knows that he isn’t.

Then Derek is racing against time, Avery feels warm tears roll down his cheeks while watching it. Derek is doing, was doing, all of that to save Avery’s life.

And then there’s the platform, Avery wants to stop watching, his vision keeps getting blurry every time he stops excessively blinking.

Avery brings the collar of his t-shirt into his mouth to stifle his sobs, he bites into it so hard his teeth ache, his jaw locks up. He hates experiencing everything, but he needs to know what exactly Derek meant by merging with the king. Avery hates seeing Derek punch him off that platform from Derek’s point of view.

Just like that, it’s over. Avery hurries to open the other file, a link to a youtube video, it’s a letter.

He can hear breathing, but Derek doesn’t speak, the microphone gets muted halfway through. At least Avery hopes that it gets muted. Doesn’t want to think about other possibilities, and since the other background noise disappears as well, it is the most likely thing that happened.

It’s what he tells himself at least.

Derek, in his letter, tells Avery that he shouldn’t think that he failed, but Avery can’t help it, he did but he’ll fix it. He will find Derek, and help him however he can, take him to the hospital if possible, Derek’s body can’t be in good shape after all this time.

His eyes burn while he reads it again and again, lungs refusing to take in air, jaw still locked tight with fabric between his teeth. It’s a goodbye letter, Derek doesn’t believe that he’ll make it out of this, or maybe he doesn’t intend to.

The thought freezes Avery completely.

He needs to see Derek immediately, he needs to be there, he still has three hours left before he can even start heading to his first stop.

There’s a moment where he almost has to rush to the bus’ toilet, but he manages to take deep breaths and keeps swallowing, avoiding coughing up his food.

Avery distracts himself and searches up what time the cafe opens up, and how he can get there the easiest. He tries drying his tears with his sleeve, but it doesn’t remove the stinging, just removes the wetness. The cafe opens up an hour after Avery is supposed to be in the city, which leaves him enough time to get himself to the correct address.

Once he has decided on just getting a taxi or an uber, Avery brings his knees up to the rest of his body and hugs himself, he’s feeling miserable, but at least he manages to drop the fabric from his mouth. There’s no guarantee that Derek is alive, just like there isn’t a guarantee that he is dead, the uncertainty of it all is causing Avery hurt, not just his head that has been hurting ever since the first bus trip, but his entire body.

Together with the lack of sleep, hunger that doesn’t correspond to appetite, possible dehydration and the general ickiness from feeling dirty, it’s not the best state.

That’s how the last hours pass, with Avery hugging his knees, his playlist stops playing an hour before his destination, but he doesn’t make any moves to take his phone out to press play again. Just keeps staring into the spot in the seat in front of him with a burn mark, looks like it’s from a cigarette.

The bus stops and Avery snaps out of his trance, packs his stuff and avoids looking at anyone, heading straight into the first toilet he can find. He looks like a mess, his eyes are red, his hair is greasy and the dark circles underneath his eyes look worse than they did during the last time he had exams. He feels shaky, and his hands tremble when he turns the sink on, splashing cold water on his face. He purposefully gets water in his eyes to wash out the sting.

Once he’s sure he doesn’t look like he’s on the verge of a breakdown, which he is, but no one else needs to know that, Avery heads outside. Smelling ocean air for the first time brings his focus on the task at hand, find a taxi or an uber. He can appreciate the city once he knows Derek is alive.

He takes in a sharp breath, he will find Derek alive, he needs to.

What he ends up doing is ordering an uber, the driver asks him about where he’s coming from and Avery answers with as much of a happy voice as he can muster up. They talk about what there is to do in Oakland, and Avery appreciates the distraction. He’s doing his best not to chew his lip bloody whenever there’s a silent break.

And then he’s standing in front of the cafe, still ten minutes until seven, he can see the lights on inside, and stands there without moving. Just waiting. Which must be why the older man inside sees him, the two meet gazes and Avery looks away fast, not fast enough as the man opens the door for him and invites Avery in.

The inside is small, cozy, there’s decorative plants and bookshelves, and a few boardgames as well. There are only five tables inside, four of them are smaller and one is a bigger, picnic table styled table. Avery can smell things that must be freshly baked, and coffee, which help him calm down. Only once he has taken it all in, does he look at the older man again.

“What brings you here young man? Can’t say I’ve seen you around before.” The man starts, his eyes looking over Avery, scanning him as one would say, Avery is ignoring the slight concern he sees in the man’s eyes.

He puts on a smile before answering, “Actually it’s my first time in Oakland, here to visit my friend Derek and he mentioned this place so I thought why not visit, let him sleep a little while longer.” Avery feels proud with how confident the words come out as he thought about what to say multiple times on the journey.

The man’s eyes brighten at the mention of Derek’s name, “Oh you’re Derek’s friend? Well why didn’t you say so immediately. Come on now, sit down and I’ll bring you something to eat!” He isn’t even giving Avery a chance to argue against it, so Avery sits down, doesn’t take his jacket off as he isn’t intending to stay for too long.

“I don’t think I can afford anything rig–” He gets interrupted by the man who is doing something in the kitchen, just hidden from Avery’s vision, “Who said you need to pay? You’re a friend of Derek’s,” his head peeks back into where Avery is sitting, “Actually I’ll pack this for you to go, I’ll put something for Derek as well. What do you think?”

More rustling noises come from the kitchen, followed by something being opened and closed, followed by even more rustling.

Avery is speechless, “I think that’d be great, thank you…” he stops and looks at the man whose name he doesn’t know. The man smiles at him with a smile that could win in a battle against the sunrise outside, “Carlos, or Carl.” Carlos brings over a fabric bag with at least three different paper bags in it, he offers his hand to Avery.

He takes Carlos’ hand and smiles, “Avery, nice to meet you.” “You as well, Derek so rarely has friends over, but I also haven’t seen him in quite a few months again. Is he hooked on a project of his?” Avery nods at Carlos’ question, “Something like that yeah.” Avery smiles at the thought of Derek focusing on projects too hard being a thing that happens often. The urgency to find the man hits him twice as hard.

“Well you bring that boy to visit me, come together tomorrow, I will bake something. What would you like?” He ends up giving Avery a few options, when Avery can’t get words out of his mouth, he picks blueberry pie, which is apparently Derek’s favorite as well.

“Speaking of Derek, his guide on how to get to his apartment is…confusing so to speak… Could you help me?” Avery knows it’s risky, if Carlos says no, then he doesn’t have any actual way of finding Derek besides looking through names on mail boxes if there are any to find.

Luckily for Avery, Carlos lets out a laugh and walks over to the front door, Avery grabs the bag with all the things he was given and follows him. They head outside and Carlos points out to a door at the opposite end of the street, a few houses to the left. “It is so like him to give confusing directions, go in from that door, should not be locked, then walk through the yard inside and find door C, it’s the fourth floor.” Avery runs through the directions in his head to memorize them, and thanks Carlos, throwing in how that makes so much more sense. They part with Carlos laughing and telling Avery to tell Derek he says hi.

Avery looks into both directions before crossing the road, holding tightly on the bag from Carlos, he walks past a few doors, until he reaches the one he was pointed to. His hands are back to their state of trembling when he pulls it open and walks inside.

He is greeted by a hallway, maybe a tunnel, but it’s not too long, his steps echo in it when he walks towards the yard that opens up at the other end, gravel shooting into different directions underneath from his shoes. Avery shivers, but he isn’t sure if it is because the tunnel is cooler than the air outside of it, or because he is maybe a hundred steps away from the man he traveled across over half the country to find. He stumbles in his steps, exhaustion creeping up on him, but he can’t stop now, he has to reach Derek.

The yard is open, Avery feels like he’s being watched from the apartment buildings surrounding him even if they aren’t sky scrapers, tall enough to create that feeling of being concealed from the world, tall enough to quiet down the traffic. There are a few trees, oak trees most likely, Avery chuckles at the irony, the road he’s walking on is leading him straight to the door he needs to reach. He tries to look into the windows, for some hint which one is Derek’s, if his apartment is even on this side.

Door with the letter C in metal screwed on it stands in front of him, Avery feels as if this is the point of no return for him. He could still walk away, forget about all of this and figure out a way to get home, back to his school work that’s waiting for him on the kitchen table. Once his hand touches that door, he can’t go back.

Avery already made his decision when he picked up that book in that cursed world.

Nothing particular happens when he pushes the door open, but Avery feels like air has been punched out of his lungs entirely, even if he can breathe just as easily.

The point of no return.

He starts climbing the stairs, the staircase is beige and white, the first floor has a lot of doors that are decorated, so does the second one. Avery wonders if it's a trend within these walls.

He’s out of breath by the time he reaches the third floor, hands trembling more when he goes to grab the railing to support himself. “Just a few more stairs,” he keeps repeating to himself, statements pushed out on exhales and inhaled just the same, he isn’t even out of shape, it’s just his mind working against him. Making him feel weaker than he is.

Avery won’t let his body stop, he keeps climbing and not too long until his feet are keeping him stable on the fourth floor. Derek’s floor. The doors are mostly decorated here as well, some even have carpets out of the doors, some saying welcome and others making fun jokes.

His breathing feels loud in what is otherwise a quiet hallway, when his shoes hit the floor it sends an echo through it, some pieces of gravel must be stuck in the soles of his shoes. Avery turns his eyes to the surnames, each put on the door on a plate similar to everyone else; Williams, Jones, Jackson, Hutchins.

Everything stops.

Avery doesn’t think he’s even breathing anymore, there is just him and the door. Derek is on the other side of said door. He is so close. Every cell that is tired in Avery’s body, every muscle, every thought, everything in him stops being tired once it hits him that he is truly here. He is here after over fifty hours of traveling, it has just been four days since the year changed. Did he make it here fast enough?

The door is white, there’s a decorative item on it as well, a wreath that looks to fit in every season, it’s on the bigger side compared to the neighbors, but tasteful.

Avery knocks at the door just underneath the wreath. He’s chewing his lips again, he got this far, how is he going to get in? Derek said how looking away from the screen caused him pain, so Avery can’t ask him to come and open it, if he is alive.

He knocks again, and again. Tries to listen through the door for any signs of movement, but there isn’t anything. Tears are falling down his cheeks again but Avery isn’t paying any attention to them, he is just aware of them existing.

Words are whispered against the door, like they don’t want to be spoken out loud, he doesn’t want to risk the neighbors hearing his wrecked voice, what he whispers isn’t important, Avery isn’t even sure what he whispers himself, maybe he repeats the words he said in those red fields. Avery leans his head against the door, the sticks from the wreath poking into his skin uncomfortably, he doesn’t move.

A clink.

Something hit the floor.

Avery looks down at his feet and sees a key, he reaches down to pick it up and spins it between his fingers. He notes how hard it is to not feel like some higher power exists in the moment, or maybe this is what people mean when they call something fate.

The key slots in its place within the lock with ease, Avery’s hands aren’t shaking anymore, no more tremble, just sheer determination. He turns the key, waiting for it to stop and inform him that it is not the correct key.

That never happens, instead the lock informs him that it’s open, with a click. Avery holds his breath.

With a deafening silence, the door opens and Avery steps inside the apartment, there’s a light on in the entrance, but otherwise he can’t see any lights that would be on. Avery closes the door behind him and calls Derek’s name, but gets no response, he isn’t greeted with silence either, can hear fans of a computer from a room deeper into the apartment, he isn’t paying much attention to the layout.

Out of habit he takes his shoes off, puts down his things and takes steps forward, he passes the kitchen and an open area that has been decorated into a living room. There is a door from the living room, glass, that leads into a balcony, the living room table has a dead plant on it, must’ve been something with flowers if the dried out petals on the floor and table are to be believed. Everything looks like it has been put on pause, no signs of time passing besides of the flower, Avery doesn’t want to look inside of the fridge yet.

And then there’s a door, it’s slightly ajar, it’s dark on the other side of it but the sound of a computer fan is clearer the closer Avey gets to it.

His body feels like it’s frozen, he feels as if he has been here before, but the memories aren’t the current moment. Avery closes his eyes and tries to listen for breathing, any signs of someone being alive inside of that room, but the humming of the fan is too loud, like it’s screaming.

Fingertips touch the wood of the door, gently to not push it open yet, lungs take in a long breath of air, eyes open again.

Avery pushes the door open and steps inside, the transfer from the light in the entrance to the darkness of the bedroom isn’t harsh, his eyes get used to the darkness fast, computer screen lighting up the space as well.

The effect of a place being put on pause is evident in this room as well, Avery doesn’t look into it as deeply, eyes stuck in the back of a chair he sees, the top of a head. That cursed platform is still on the screen, Derek’s letter open on a different screen on the side. From Avery’s position, he can’t tell if the man sitting on the chair is breathing, he takes a careful step closer.

“Derek?” He tries again, voice just above a whisper, from this distance he can hear the other’s breath hitch. A sign of life. A quiet one. Avery takes a braver step, the room feels too long, like it’s stretching in front of his eyes. Derek feels like he’s further and further away the closer Avery steps, he is aware of his own heartbeat, his breathing, doing his best to keep them both stable, he’s so close to reaching the chair. Avery takes a step to the side to get to Derek’s vision without him having to take his eyes off the screen, when he steps on something on the floor, it’s small, but enough to throw his already unstable balance off.

It is not a graceful fall, and Avery lets out a squeal before he hits the floor. He does catch himself with his hands, but his other wrist bends slightly into the wrong position. Avery doesn’t let it take up any space in his mind, as he’s already scrambling to sit up, he hears movement from his left and looks up.

Eyes meet each other, green eyes wide open in surprise, brown eyes full of worry.

Neither one is breathing anymore, neither one is sure they ever were before this moment.

Pure, deep silence fills the space, emptying out everything either of them could think of to say. Two souls are put on pause just like the room around them, where the only thing to prove that time is passing are the tears rolling down Avery’s cheeks.

“I found you,” he breathes.

“That you did,” Derek answers. His voice is rough, quieter than Avery’s.

The words from the library repeated in the real world break the bubble, time is moving again, lungs are filling with air. Gazes are still sticking to each other.

A deep panic flashes through Avery’s entire body, his words are the ones to break the silence, “The screen! You aren’t looking at it,” Derek blinks slowly as if he only realizes it when it is mentioned, he glances at the screen and back at Avery. Avery slowly stands up, waits for an answer, waits for Derek to take in the darkness of the room.

“I think I’m fine, it doesn’t hurt in the same way it did.” The words aren’t making Avery’s panic dissolve in the least, but he nods, eyes running over Derek’s face. Looking for anything that should be a concern, the man looks like he hasn’t slept in forever, the bones in his face are too visible for Avery’s liking, but he doesn’t look like he’s on the verge of death. It takes everything from Avery to not reach out and test the man’s pulse.

Avery nods again, Derek’s eyes follow him when he starts walking towards the door to get water to Derek. Avery pulls out his phone from his pocket, “You need to be checked out, it’s been…over six months? You need to go to a hospital…” He continues his rambling, not hearing Derek doing his best to repeat Avery’s name, trying to get his attention.

When Avery walks back into the room with his water bottle, he is still staring at his phone, “Avery–” Derek tries, Avery is rambling about ways to get to the hospital, Derek repeats his name, his throat is starting to hurt.

“Avery.” Derek stands up, relying his weight on the chair, but his legs give out underneath him the second he lets go. Avery looks up and drops both his phone and the water bottle, rushing to catch Derek before he hits the floor, and he does. Avery wraps his arms around Derek, just underneath his arms, and places him on the man’s bed instead. Before fully letting go, Avery reaches for Derek’s neck and presses his thumb against the man’s pulse point, careful enough to not hurt him. To Derek it feels more personal than if Avery were to press his index- and middle finger against it, the rest of Avery’s fingers brushing against the back of his neck and moving his hair out of the way.

There’s a pause in the moment, Avery sits down on his knees in front of Derek, who feels like he could melt into the mattress. “Please,” Avery pleads, it’s loud enough to reach Derek’s heart, and he nods, “Okay…” a cough interrupts his words, and Avery reaches behind him for the water bottle, offering it to the other man who drinks from it until there is nothing left, “But can we go tomorrow? I feel fine right now.” Before Avery manages to make his counter arguments, Derek continues, “Before New Years, I didn’t just sit still, stood up every once in a while, I had smoothies, the only thing I’m missing is sleep and a shower. Unless you count passing out on occasion as sleep.”

Derek can see the clear conflict in Avery’s eyes, and hear it in his voice when he agrees. Once again they find themselves in a moment of staring, there isn’t any urgency anymore. Avery takes in how Derek looks, how he actually looks, the worry is still dominating his mind, growing the more he looks at this man. His hair is grown out and greasy, the ends of it are dyed red, but it’s faded, revealing brown underneath, at the top of his head, Derek’s hair is gray, from stress? He has a septum piercing and earrings, Avery worries about the state of them, but on the outside they don’t show any sign of infection. Derek’s skin is pale, concerningly so, but Avery knows he hasn’t been in any sunlight which might be the main reason.

When comparing it to what the other man went through, Derek is looking good, he’s breathing and alive, at least for now. Avery chews on his lips, he doesn’t like the idea of pushing the inevitable hospital trip to the next day, but Derek also looks so out of it that Avery’s heart squeezes whenever the other man offers him a tired smile.

A growing question is weighing on them both, Avery decides to just pull the plaster “What about the–” “Infinite knowledge?” Derek finishes for him, Avery nods, “It’s… not there? Well it is, but it feels like it’s behind a wall, like a bad dream I can’t remember no matter how hard I try. If I try to remember, my head is filled with static, and it hurts. Sometimes information comes to me like I’ve known it forever, even if it feels foreign to know, but it’s no longer crushing me underneath it.”

Avery nods, trying his best to understand it, but he doesn’t want to push it more right now. Deciding to wait until Derek has more of his strength back.

“Wait here!” Avery chirps, surprising Derek with it, he stands up and retrieves the bag Carlos gave him. Derek observes the bag and blinks a few times, “That’s how you found me.”

Paper bags rustle as Avery takes everything out and lays them on the floor, once everything is out of the bigger bag, Avery starts peeking inside of them and starts telling Derek what his options are. Derek doesn’t feel any appetite, but the look in Avery’s eyes is enough for him to choose the whole wheat croissant, that he bites into and chews until it’s mush. After the first bite, it’s like his body is remembering what missing solid food feels like, and Derek slowly regains his appetite. Avery feels slightly better, when he gets Derek to eat more salty things they got gifted, before his body puts a stop to it and he’s full.

There’s a few cookies that Avery eats once his body is fine with the amount of food he swallows down, he leaves one for Derek for later. He looks at Derek who is still observing Avery, eyes scanning over every detail on this man who technically broke into his home and is now feeding him, every small thing he notices feels like he has already seen it, but Derek is also mapping it all, he wants to actually know Avery, and not just have a vague, static filled image of knowing everything about him. Avery’s nails have small chips of nail polish left on them, there are dark circles underneath his eyes and a slight shakiness to every movement he makes. They still haven’t turned on the light in the bedroom, purely relying on the light shining through the open door, and the shine provided by the computer screens neither of them want to look at anymore.

Derek tries to stand up, this time with a success, his legs feel weak underneath him but he stays up, looks at the door on his left where his bathroom is. A shower sounds like heaven, he can feel his skin itch, in addition, his hair weighs more than it should. He takes a step towards the bathroom, it feels foreign, and he has to fight against the urge to lean against something. Avery takes a few steps to stand by the other man. Derek thinks back to that library, his own words reflecting back to him through Avery’s eyes.

There’s a height difference between them that hasn’t been clear yet, neither having stood up next to each other yet. Avery towers over by a few inches, giving Derek a genuine smile when he realizes it, afterwards he just offers his arm for Derek to support himself on. Derek almost retreats away from the help, but after swallowing the doubt, he wraps his hand around Avery’s sleeve and they head to the bathroom.

He sends Avery to his wardrobe, well, Avery asks where it is and Derek tells him the answer, appreciating the thought of clean clothes. The lights that flash open with a familiar blink, at least Derek thinks it’s familiar, burn his retinas, it takes him a long time to get used to them. The man he sees in the mirror isn’t him, he knows it is him, but he looks different from what he should. His hair is too long, it’s grey, his eyes look empty.

When Avery walks in with some clothes he says he thinks look comfy, Derek internally thanks Avery for the interruption, out loud he thanks him for the clothes. Avery stands in the doorway for a long way, like he has something to say or ask, Derek says that if it makes Avery feel better they can leave the door slightly open. Avery makes him promise to call for him if he needs help.

Taking off his clothes brings coldness to Derek’s skin that he can’t remember ever feeling before, the clothes smell and he throws them into the first corner he sees. He runs his fingers over his chest, feeling his collar bones, Derek stares at his own movements through the mirror, bringing together his own body and the reflection of it.

The skin on his face feels warm to his touch, or maybe his fingertips are colder, his pulse is weaker than he thinks it should be, but he got used to the feeling of his mind actively eating itself, so maybe his heart rate is what it should be. The features on his face are more defined than he remembers them being, he thinks about those times he saw his reflection from his computer screen, when the screen was dark enough to do so.

He waits until the water is steaming to step underneath it, sits down on the floor and lets the water surround him. Derek feels glad he set up an automatic payment for his bills and rent, and that he has enough money saved up. He sees an universe where he dies in pain because his electricity shuts off, static fills his mind and it takes a lot of his energy to stop thinking, Derek focuses on the water running down his skin. He finds his shampoo without looking, muscle memory, it still smells like strawberries. He can’t remember where he got it from anymore, Derek can see where it was made in, every line in the factory and where every ingredient has been shipped from, but he cannot remember why he has it and how he has it.

A stabbing pain hits him, and a wave of nausea follows. The hot water burning against his skin relieves it fast but not fast enough, Derek can still see the flashes of colors in his vision.

In the bedroom, Avery is listening to the running water, he feels weird, standing in an empty room that isn’t his. He wants to help Derek, but doesn’t know how until he looks around the room and goes to turn on the lights. He did see sheets in the same place he picked up clean clothes for the other man, he’s sure Derek would appreciate sleeping in fresh sheets that don’t smell stuffy like the entire apartment does.

Avery walks through the living room, opens the door to the balcony and lets the fresh air in. He starts walking around, mind locking in on a task, to make the apartment look like someone lives here.

He starts with the bedroom, taking out the old sheets off the bed and putting new ones on, Avery finds a spot in the living room where he leaves the sheets in a controlled pile, he doesn’t remember having seen a washing machine in the apartment. Avery makes sure to stop every once in a while to listen to the shower running. Next step he has is cleaning out the trash, empty smoothie containers and a moldy apple core, among other things, he uses the trash bags he finds in the kitchen after searching for any. He even cleans out the mini fridge by the computer, most things in it are still alright to keep.

There’s an almost empty package of anti depressants, they expired months ago. Avery makes a mental note to get Derek a refill if possible.

The last thing he does is shut down the computer. Leaving behind that letter, and the platform everything went wrong on.

Once he starts with the living room, mostly wiping away dust from surfaces, as it looks perfectly fine otherwise. The dead plant he throws away, making a mental note to get Derek a new one.

The shower turns off, and with hurried steps, Avery is back to standing in that bedroom, waiting. Derek emerges through the doorway with the clothes that Avery picked out for him; a pair of basic college pants and a black hoodie. Avery does his best to ignore how the clothes highlight how weak Derek looks, especially the already oversized hoodie. Derek’s hair is still wet, dripping water on the fabric of the hoodie and the shirt underneath it, he’s shaking.

Derek looks at the room, it looks like he thinks he remembers it to have been.

“I changed the sheets, the balcony door is open for fresh air and… Oh do you have a washing machine?” Avery’s words are fast paced, which he has heard complaints for, but Derek offers him that same tired smile, “They’re in the storage space, the door is next to the front door. Avery you should get rest as well…”

It’s Avery’s turn to offer a smile, that he tries to disguise as less tired than what he feels, “I will!” He fidgets with his fingers before laughing awkwardly, “Could I take a shower as well?”

Of course Derek offers him freedom to do almost anything in the apartment, taking the moment to thank Avery for turning off the computer as well. When Avery doesn’t make a move towards the shower, Derek, through wondering, breaks through the static and knows why. He blinks slowly to wash away the pain that runs through him, and goes to sit down on the clean bed, the sheets feel rough against his palms and smell like his clothes do, is it a laundry detergent he uses? Derek is still struggling to not know things, it’s frustrating for him to be aware of knowing while simultaneously not knowing, especially when it comes to his daily life.

“There’s clean towels where there’s clothes as well. I don’t mind you borrowing my clothes.” He smiles, mostly to himself, and watches as Avery’s face flushes by a shade or two before turning to the wardrobe. Derek waits til Avery is in the bathroom and the door clicks shut, before laying down under the covers.

Avery stares at the clothes he’s holding; a pair of pants similar to what he picked out for Derek, and a red t-shirt, he did also grab a pair of socks. It doesn’t take too long for him to stand underneath the stream, feeling the warm water wash away the dust and grime he has collected on his skin throughout the last days. He finds a shampoo to use as well, strawberry vanilla, it feels weird to know what shampoo Derek uses, just a few hours ago he didn’t know anything about the other man besides his name.

Now he’s showering in his home, on the other side of the country from where lives.

He gets shampoo in his mouth and spits it out, breaking his focus from thinking. Avery finishes his shower and turns the water off, stepping out to dry himself. It surprises him how long his hair has gotten every time he wets it. After drying himself quickly, not caring about properly drying his hair, and dressing up into Derek’s clothes, Avery hangs his towel next to where Derek’s is.

The shirt is comfortable on him, from what Avery saw, Derek has a lot of oversized shirts and hoodies, so that wasn’t going to be a problem. The pant legs reach higher on his ankles than where they should be, but it isn’t uncomfortable. And they’re clean clothes.

Avery opens the door back into the bedroom quietly, the light is still on, but Derek is breathing slowly underneath the blanket. Avery turns off the lights when he walks out, pulling the door slightly more closed, leaving it in a similar position to what it was in before he first pushed it open. Before walking away from it, he listens to Derek’s breathing for a few more seconds, a sign that the man is alive, actually alive.

There’s a pressure on his lungs again, which Avery brushes away and heads to the door that should be concealing the washing machine, it does. He puts the dirty sheets in there, and shoves his own clothes, and Derek’s clothes that he spotted in the bathroom, with the sheets. Somewhere in the back of his mind he hears his parents complain to him about mixing colors, and how the washing machine is too full, but he brushes them off and after putting the detergent in, he turns the machine on.

He could rest, his body is telling him to rest, but what if something happens and he won’t be awake to help? Avery blinks and notices he’s been staring at the couch, instead of going to it, he turns, grabs the roll of trash bags, and heads to the kitchen.

It smells worse the closer he gets to the fridge, but his mind finds calm in the knowledge that he’ll have something to clean, he will be able to see the change for the better in just an hour.

He starts with throwing away everything from it, even if something would technically still be good, it would have the smell of rot stuck to it. Once everything is out, Avery finds wipes and in the same cupboard he also finds a fitting cleaning agent.

First he wipes the liquids out, throws away the wipes once they’re soaked with fluids from decomposing food. Second he sprays the cleaning agent on every surface within the fridge, and starts scrubbing.

It reminds him of his gap year, his parent’s house has never been cleaner, nor has his room. If he remembers correctly, he started hand washing their carpets as well once his parents told him, after a week of the same cleaning routine, that the laminate floors cannot take any more mopping in a while. Once the house wasn’t providing him with anything more to clean, Avery had volunteered at the church, he helped a lot of elderly folk clean their houses.

He finds cleaning, scrubbing and tidying a serene way of turning his mind to something else.

The fridge smells clean, a fresh breeze from the balcony door brushes away the smell of mold, of rot, of what happened here. Avery remembers seeing a trash chute on the hallway, which he sets his sights to, he wouldn’t want to go find a spot outside to throw the garbage in, but the chute won’t be too many steps away.

With the key in his pocket, and every filled trashbag in his hold, Avery heads to the hallway where he’s greeted by a neighbor. It doesn’t take him long to have all the trash down the long slide. Avery heads back inside with a silence to his walk, and other movements, he knows Derek needs this sleep, and knows that Derek should collect energy for the hospital trip.

To Avery’s surprise, the laundry is already done, so he shoves it all into the dryer, he does the dishes while waiting. When even the sink is empty, Avery sits down on the couch, then stands up to close the balcony door. He walks to the bedroom door to make sure Derek is still breathing stable, before sitting back down.

Avery opens his phone, reads through some messages from his friends, and starts scrolling through Instagram. He leans against the back of the couch to give his spine a break, as it has been hurting for the past forty minutes due to the crouching he did in front of the open fridge. Avery’s eyes are feeling heavy, but he does everything to not let them close, the air inside is cold and he shivers, too exhausted to move a muscle towards getting anything to warm himself up with.

Flashes of yellow wake him up again, but Avery isn’t alone anymore.

There’s a familiar hoodie placed on him like a makeshift blanket, on the other end of the couch is Derek in just a t-shirt, his eyes are closed and he’s leaning his head against his hand that’s propped up on the armrest of the couch. Avery watches the way Derek’s lungs move, he isn’t asleep, Avery pushes himself up into a sitting position. The way his body fell down on the couch wasn’t comfortable, twisted his lower back into a weird position.

The hoodie falls down on the couch, and he pulls it on with a smile, only once Avery’s arms are through the sleeves does he realize what his actions actually are. He moves towards taking it off.

“Keep it on,” Derek mumbles, he slowly picks up his head and turns to face Avery, leaning his head against the back of the chair instead. Avery nods, and turns to face Derek as well. Sunlight is reaching into the room through the gap in the curtains that are hiding the balcony behind them, creating a line between the two men, Avery moves his right foot slightly, so it lays under the light, enjoying the warmth of it.

“Are you okay?” It is clear from Avery’s that he has just woken up, he tries to listen for the dryer’s hum, but is greeted with nothing. So he got at least an hour worth of sleep. Derek blinks slowly when Avery finds his gaze again, he looks more rested to Avery.

Derek nods, his voice is quiet and calm, but there’s an underlying melancholy to it, “I keep waiting for me to wake up alone by my table again. That all of this, you being here, is all a cruel joke by the King, or a way my mind is trying to make me feel better.” Avery listens to the other man, doesn’t avert his eyes even when Derek does.

“I saw him the second I closed my eyes, even if I…know…that the King no longer exists, not in the way we define existence at least. But nothing in this apartment is familiar, everything is how I think I remember them to be, but after knowing everything and then again losing that knowledge I find it hard to remember if my apartment is decorated in a way it always has been.” His breathing is sharper once all of the words are out, and Avery doesn’t wait for a moment until he already crosses the line created by sunlight. He grabs Derek’s hand and holds it in his, Derek’s hand feels freezing and Avery presses his hands together tighter, hoping to generate some warmth into it.

From how they’re sitting, face to face with Avery on his knees and Derek sitting with his legs bent on the side, both of them have to stretch their necks to meet the other’s eyes. Derek brings his other hand around Avery’s, and presses his thumb against Avery’s pulse point on his wrist. Whatever words Avery wanted to say disappear the second he does that, Derek’s lips curl up in the smallest movement when Avery’s heart rate picks up.

This is the first thing that feels completely real, being here on this couch with Avery.

Minutes pass.

Avery notices how there are specs of gold in Derek’s eyes.

It almost feels as if their hearts sync up their beats.

Eventually it is Avery’s stomach rumbling, that makes them both break away from the moment, hesitantly Derek pulls his hands away from Avery’s, and reaches to the coffee table to get his phone. Avery didn’t even notice that it was there, too busy with keeping his eyes on Derek.

Derek simply states that they should order food, he doesn’t let Avery even finish his statement about not having money for that, just asks if Avery likes Thai food, which Avery answers agreeingly, so they order food and decide on a nature documentary to watch.

The food is delicious, which could easily be amplified by the fact that both Derek and Avery have missed proper warm food. The documentary is about deep sea creatures, Derek compares Avery to a flapjack octopus, which earns him a gently thrown decorative pillow in the face.

At the moment it is almost possible for both of them to forget everything, that they’re just two people that are spending time together because they can, no underlying reasons pushing them together. Maybe they could’ve become friends through a normal game of minecraft, and this hang out would’ve been planned, each of them waiting for it with excitement.

Eventually exhaustion starts weighing on them both, the sun is already down and a coolness is settling on the city. The city won’t fall asleep, no one thinks it ever will, but in the safety of the apartment without anyone looking at them, a comfortable silence is created between two men who defied the rules of a god to be in this moment.

Avery isn’t sure when he falls back asleep, but for the first time in days it isn’t flashes of yellow that he is greeted with.

It doesn’t last for too long, as he wakes up to the absence of Derek on the couch next to him, no lights are on in the apartment anymore besides one shining through the door of the bathroom.

When he walks through the doors and is momentarily blinded by the bathroom lights, Avery is fast on the ceramic floor, on his knees. Derek looks miserable, he’s leaning against the wall that’s nearest to the toilet, eyes closed tightly, some strands of his hair are sticking to his face and neck. Avery wants to reach out, but he tries to get Derek’s attention first, but the man isn’t responding with words, he lets out a small noise that resembles a whine. At least he’s conscious. Derek nods when Avery asks if he can touch him, not in a big movement, but it’s visible enough. Before Avery can do any assessment, Derek moves in a flash to lean over the toilet, he coughs a few times until he pukes, Avery pulls his hair back and strokes his free hand along Derek’s back.

Derek is trembling, it’s not visible to the eye but Avery can feel it, can feel his muscles tensing under his palm. Once Derek is done coughing up everything in his stomach, Avery helps him lean back against the wall. When Derek still isn’t answering questions, besides stating that his head is hurting, which takes him a long time to say, his jaw keeps tightening, causing Derek’s teeth to clench together involuntarily. Avery makes the decision to get him to an emergency room as fast as possible. He thanks the universe for the taxi that’s free and the estimated arrival is within the next few minutes.

With every ounce of strength Avery has, he picks Derek up off the floor and repeats apologies when the man looks and sounds to be in more pain. It worries Avery, how much Derek relies on him to stay up, and even then it is mostly Avery just carrying him out of the door and downstairs, it’s all a blur.

He can see that the taxi driver is stressed, glancing at the two on the backseat through the mirror every couple of seconds, Avery wants to snap at him to focus on getting to the hospital faster, but doesn’t want to create even more noise for Derek to have to filter through the pain. Derek is leaning his head against Avery’s shoulder, his eyes have barely been open, but he hasn’t thrown up after they got in the car. Derek is holding Avery’s hand and squeezes it weakly to tell him he’s still conscious, it looks like it takes all of Derek’s energy to do so.

They beat the time estimate to the hospital by four minutes, Avery tells the driver to keep the rest when he hands him enough money in cash, most of it falling onto the ground, which Avery doesn’t stay to apologize for. The next fifteen minutes are jumbled, Avery tries to go over them again and again while sitting in the waiting room he was directed to, he remembers someone grabbing Derek away from him and someone else asking him for information, before guiding him to sit on the chair he’s still stuck on.

Avery feels like he can’t breathe, he keeps trying to see if there was anything he could’ve noticed before to prevent this. If he would’ve pushed Derek to visit a doctor immediately they wouldn’t be here now.

He can’t breathe, he’s leaning against his legs with his entire upper body, hiding his tears from the rest of the room. There's a toddler with their dad, the toddler asleep with their head on his lap with a scarf on top of them as a makeshift blanket. Avery pulls the sleeves of the hoodie over his hands and wipes his eyes, there’s a floating smell of coffee coming from the person sitting to the right of him. Avery asks them where they got the coffee from, and he’s directed to a machine, it takes him a while to find it, all the hallways and noises bringing up memories.

Instead of coffee he picks a hot chocolate from the machine, stares as the cup fills with steaming water. Avery shoves his hands into the front pocket of the hoodie, which brings it to his attention that his phone is in it, he has no memory of grabbing it at any point, he gets the urge to call his dad, wants to hear how his work week is looking like. It is possible his dad would be awake by now too, it is closer to half past five in Hoisington, if Avery remembers timezones correctly.

He doesn’t call, just walks back into the waiting room and sits down on the same seat. The warm drink burns his mouth, forcing him to focus on reality.

Avery gets his breathing back to what is normal enough for him right now, and the hot chocolate runs out, so he walks to the information desk and asks if there are any updates. Nothing yet. He sits back down.

The hospital setting gets slightly easier to stomach when Avery just imagines he’s here for a clinical rotation instead, even if it’s not the same. He observes the nurses and doctors walking by the space, watches them as they whisper to each other behind the computer or come to talk to family members in the waiting room.

Hours pass by before he recognizes one of the people that was there when Derek was taken to treatment, Avery sprints over to them and asks every question he can think of. All he is informed about, is that he was correct about the thunderclap headache and that there were some complications when Derek was being treated, but he’s currently recovering and signs look to be good. The nurse informs Avery about when the visiting hours are, and tells him to wait til then.

Derek is alive, and he will be fine. Avery thanks the nurse and sits back down, he pulls his phone out and takes the time he needs to wait, to revise his knowledge on seizures and headaches.

Time passes fast and Avery is the first on the info desk when time hits eight, asking for Derek’s room number, the second he gets it, he’s walking as fast as it is appropriate for a hospital, takes the stairs up to the correct floor. The room Derek is in isn’t a private one, but the other beds are empty for now.

The other man is awake, and once again offers a small smile to Avery, who feels a flame of anger flare up in him. “Why didn’t you wake me up? You could’ve died!” When he realizes his yelling is too loud for a hospital, he takes a deep breath and walks over to Derek’s bed, pulls a chair that’s nearby to sit on. He wants to reach out, stops his hand from doing so by pressing his nails against the fabric on his thigh. Avery has to force himself to take deep breaths before trying to read Derek’s facial expressions, trying to look for clues.

Derek doesn’t meet his eyes, he looks down instead and pushes himself to sit up better on the bed, wincing silently as he pushes the pillow to support his back better, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to concern you for nothing. I wasn’t expecting it to get as bad as it did.”

Avery lets his head fall on Derek’s bed, where it lands on the man’s knees, he is still mad and he tells Derek as much, but he’s happy that Derek is alive. Derek brings the hand that doesn’t have a needle stuck into it above Avery’s head, he wants to run his fingers through the other man’s hair but it feels like a step too far. It’s weird for him to have Avery here, Derek knows he wants Avery here and that he never wants to risk losing the other again, but he doesn’t know why, he wants to dig deep into his mind to know everything about Avery again, to know why he’s feeling this way.

The painkillers he is on are keeping the static away, Derek isn’t sure he likes it.

When he rests his hand on Avery’s head, he can visibly see Avery relax, Derek lets it stay there, playing with the strands of hair his fingers can reach without movement that isn’t needed.

Then and there, Derek decides that he will get to know Avery again, all he is sure of is that he wants Avery in his life as long as Avery wants him in his.

The next few days the two spend in the hospital, Avery only leaving once to get things from Derek’s apartment. Derek, according to the doctor, had serious seizures that caused bleeding in his brain, but surgery wasn’t needed in this case, as it was, in the whole scale, minimal. The doctor tells him that he needs to take it easy, and that he is prone to more seizures, especially if he doesn’t take it easy, Derek gets prescribed medication to hopefully avoid them, or at least lessen the amount, there apparently isn’t a clear reason for why this happened. That statement makes a shiver run through Avery’s and Derek’s spines. Another reminder that what they went through was actually real.

To ease the mood when the doctor leaves, Derek makes a joke about how he’s glad his medical insurance covers eldritch horrors.

During his stay, Derek also meets with a psychiatrist, who, after realizing that Derek has in fact not refilled his medication, wants to make sure he’s not planning on killing himself or anything of sorts, Derek has to come up with a lie on the spot as to why he didn’t refill his antidepressants. He gets a new prescription, as there has been a break again so he has to lower his dose.

Avery spends as many hours in the hospital as he’s allowed to, he befriends most of the nurses that check up on Derek, brings them food from Carlos’ as well, and they let him stay the night with Derek in exchange.

Hospital food isn’t good, but Derek can stomach it without feeling ill. Due to practically starving and living on liquids for the past half a year, his body isn’t doing too great, but he’s gaining some strength back, refusing to show how much standing for longer than fifteen minutes actually hurts.

One of the last nights that Derek is supposed to stay in the hospital, he spends alone, he does have a roommate now, but they’re a heavy sleeper. Avery didn’t leave voluntarily, but Derek told him to go get sleep in an actual bed, maybe even a shower.

He spends it trying to remember, trying to know, he’s off the meds now and the static is back. Derek knows he wants to see through it.

It hurts.

Derek closes his eyes, he knows every patient that has been in this bed before him.

Knows exactly how many cigarettes his roommate smoked just today, knows they’re not leaving this hospital alive.

And yet, he can’t see his own life, can’t remember what his favorite pair of socks was as a child or when he learned how to ride a bike.

He knows all of it happened, he knows his mom used to sing when he played her favorite song on the piano.

There are no memories of any of that. Just knowledge that he experienced it.

Derek must’ve made a noise out loud, can’t remember how he got to the trash can by the door, but he’s throwing up the water he drank earlier. The night nurse is already by his side by the time he’s barely supporting himself with his arms, flashes of pain and color traveling through his head.

When Avery gets updated on what happened at night, he looks like he might know what happened, Derek apologizes without being prompted to.

He doesn’t push it after that night, not by choice.

The first thing they do after Derek gets discharged from the hospital, is visit the cafe like Avery promised Carlos they would. They get to hear a playful earful about how they should’ve visited on Monday, but Derek can see how concerned the other man is for him, being in the hospital almost gave him the chance to forget how he looks to the people that can actually see him.

Malnourished, pale, his hair is a mess. Derek doesn’t remember if he looks like himself, but he doubts it.

When Avery and Derek are back in Derek’s home, he asks Avery to cut his hair, doesn’t want to go to a hairdresser, he can’t experience staring at himself in the mirror for that long. Avery agrees without hesitation, even if he knows very little about cutting non curly hair, a quick youtube tutorial helps him start, they don’t have proper scissors, but Derek swears he’s fine with Avery cutting his hair with paper scissors. He wants it left long, so that the ends will rest nicely on his shoulders.

Avery buys a box of cherry red hair dye the next day while buying groceries, Derek feels weird having Avery dye his hair, he has seen this moment in many lifetimes but for some reason it doesn’t feel like it should’ve happened in this one.

Guess they really broke the universe.

Saturday comes by, it’s almost been a week since Avery arrived and now he is waiting for a frozen pizza to be done, he and Derek have managed to form a schedule that could pass as one of a normally functioning person. They get up before eleven in the morning, how much either of them sleep is a different question. Avery’s bed is on the couch and Derek sleeps in his bed, but more nights than not, they end up falling asleep on the couch together while watching whatever is coming from the television. Days they spend walking, Derek’s body is still weak, so looking around Oakland is a win for the both of them.

Avery got to see the ocean, he ended up standing in the water until he could no longer properly feel his feet.

They also talk about Avery’s school and Derek’s work, about each of their favorite foods and anything surface level that comes into mind. Each avoiding deeper topics, scared to push the other away.

Derek walks into the kitchen and smiles at Avery sitting on the floor, staring into the oven like his gaze would cook the pizza faster.

“When do you need to go back?”

Avery looks up from the floor, he’s wearing one of Derek’s hoodies Derek is sure he didn’t give him, he gives Derek a sheepish smile, “Technically last Thursday…”

The man standing looks at Avery with horror flashing through his eyes, is this man sacrificing his school for him? “Avery! You can’t just–” “I don’t have rotations immediately again, just a few courses! And I emailed the professor saying that I’m sick. My friend sent me the things they went through!” Avery interrupts, causing Derek to run his hand through his own hair and groan. Yes he wants Avery to stay, but he can’t take the man giving up on his own life to stay here.

He goes to get his phone, and comes to sit down on the floor next to Avery, enjoying the warmth radiating from the oven. Avery observes him as he types something, but Derek doesn’t say anything before Avery’s timer goes off indicating that the pizza is done.

They change their sitting spot from the kitchen floor to the floor in the living room, both leaning against the couch. Avery has a mouth full of pizza when Derek puts his phone down on the table.

“There’s a flight tomorrow at eight fifty-five in the morning, will be in Birmingham after four in the afternoon.” Avery stops chewing at Derek’s statement. “I was thinking, could I come with you?” Derek asks after giving Avery a moment.

“What?” Avery manages to whisper, once he’s done swallowing the pizza down.

“Nothing about this place feels real, I barely feel real, you do, and I don’t think you’re going to focus on school work if I stay here.” The last words are teasing, Avery flushes and smiles. Before Derek knows it, Avery is telling him all about the city and what they can do once they’re there together. The two start planning out a plan on what Derek needs to pack, and if it is smart for him to leave the area, but Derek states out the obvious, Avery lives closer to a hospital so in case something does happen, they’ll be even closer to one.

They don’t sleep that night, Avery due to stress about getting on a plane and Derek because he’s still packing things, trying to figure out how he can pick up doing his work from Avery’s. And because his body overall feels like it wouldn’t get any sleep even if he tried to, there’s a high pitched noise somewhere in his mind telling him to know what life will be like in Alabama, and Derek wants to know, purely trusting life feels dangerous.

But he trusts Avery.

Morning comes and last checks are done that everything they need is packed, and that everything is turned off. They drop by Carlos’ to give him a spare key to Derek’s in case he needs anything shipped to him, and Carlos makes an offhanded comment about how Derek wouldn’t travel that far just for anyone. Avery does his best to hide how his lungs struggle to take in air after that, and just hurries outside rambling that their Uber is here.

The airport is a lot, it’s full of people and loud noises. Derek feels a headache coming in the second they get through the security, so Avery pulls him to the side, tells him to only focus on minimal things, and grabs his hand. Avery leads them through crowds all the way to their gate, where Derek swallows down a painkiller.

Avery makes them take a selfie before boarding starts, when the phone screen shows both of them on it, Derek only focuses on Avery’s face. Avery smiles so widely, brightly, Derek’s eyes switch from staring at him through the phone screen, to actually looking at the man. His eyelashes are long, slightly darker than his hair is, his eyes aren’t only green, there’s brown in them too, like moss growing on trees. Avery puts his phone away and turns to look at Derek, the closeness of their faces is suddenly very clear for Derek who looks away fast, ignoring how his heart just skipped a beat.

They board their plane without issues, Avery gets the window seat and Derek sits in the middle, someone is sitting next to him on the aisle seat but he doesn’t pay attention to them. Avery is chewing on his lips while staring out of the window, his eyes shift between different things outside faster than usual. Derek reaches out to grab his hand, and Avery flinches at the surprise, he lets Derek intertwine their fingers anyways.

“Afraid of flying?” Derek asks, Avery nods slightly. When the plane takes off, Avery is squeezing the other’s hand so tightly Derek momentarily has to wonder if his fingers can get any bloodflow, he doesn’t pull away. “How much were the tickets by the way?” Avery asks, maybe as an attempt to distract himself while they’re up in the air, keeping his seatbelt tightly on even when it isn’t technically needed.

Derek stays quiet for a while, “I’m not telling you that,” “Derek! That means they cost a lot!” Derek smiles at Avery’s worry, “I didn’t say that. And I have money saved so it’s not like these tickets bankrupted me.”

“Do you have a secret trust fund?” Avery teases, turning in his seat so that he’s facing Derek more than the window, “Not exactly, my mom’s dad left me a good amount of money to my college fund, but I then earned a full ride scholarship and didn’t need to use it, I started using it as my savings account instead.”

Avery nods “Sure sure, so you’re practically a trust fund kid.” He laughs and Derek can’t help but smile, the pain in his head feels like it's letting him be for now.

They have a transfer flight in Denver, which leads to them sprinting to find their gate, when they find it surprisingly fast, Avery wants to try out different sunglasses at the store near their gate. First ones he tries on are made for children and look way too small on his face, work as a headband though, pushing his hair out of his face to a neat chunk of hair at the top. He even put a pair on Derek’s face, they’re rectangular shaped and entirely black from the lenses to the frames, but the arms are decorated with green swirls.

Avery finds a pair of aviator style sunglasses with red lenses that he thinks look wonderful on himself. When seeing how much Avery likes them, Derek grabs the sunglasses off of Avery’s face and buys them for him, he buys the pair Avery picked out for him as well. When he walks back to Avery, the other man is looking down at him with an expression that makes Derek’s face heat up uncharacteristically, so he pushes the sunglasses back on Avery’s face to hide it.

The second flight goes better, Avery is still squishing all the blood flow away from Derek’s hand, but in other ways he is a lot calmer, he isn’t chewing on his lips anymore.

From the airport the pair grabs an uber to Avery’s, the apartment still on pause just like Avery left it. Derek’s head feels full of everything, he knows he’s here for the first time ever in his life, but every surface feels like he has seen it before. Like he has lived here for an entire timeline already.

But it’s real.

He feels the migraine coming on properly this time, and Avery notices it too, Derek doesn’t know how, but he doesn’t want to ask right now. Avery doesn’t pull up the curtains, and just cleans out the couch and throws his own pillow on it for Derek to lie down.

“You are going to rest. I’ll go get groceries.”

Derek listens as Avery walks in the apartment, probably grabs an empty bag, goes to the toilet and then leaves.

It’s too quiet in the apartment, but it also eases the pressure behind his eyes, he keeps the sunglasses on even though there aren’t any lights on. Something about the slight pressure they create on his face is nice, and they cover his eyes when closing them feels like too much.

Avery comes back in half an hour, Derek doesn’t admit to counting the minutes, he can hear Avery take his shoes off and head to the kitchen where the fridge opens. He listens to Avery tiptoe to the room he’s in, the livingroom bedroom type of situation Avery has going on, and stop right by the couch. Derek wasn’t aware he had his eyes closed, but he opens them and Avery hands him a bag of frozen vegetables, he doesn’t need to thank the other man, as Avery tiptoes away as fast as he arrived.

Soon the sunglasses are replaced by the coldness of the frozen vegetables, and it feels blissful to not have a warm hot pressure in his head.

Once the sounds in the kitchen stop, Avery comes back into the room and Derek can sense him observing him, he shows a weak thumbs up to the other man who, based on the noises, starts unpacking their things after that. When the migraine eases enough for Derek to be back in the living, he helps Avery to pull out the couch into a proper bed.

The first week goes by fast, Avery settling back into a proper schedule involving school, and picking up shifts at work. Derek keeps staying in the apartment, he walks Avery to school on Wednesday and to work on Friday, but the new city still feels like a lot to handle, and Avery hasn’t had the time to introduce him to places. But the time he has had when Avery isn’t at the apartment, has gone to picking up more freelance work, it feels refreshing putting his focus on something that isn’t necessarily him.

Weekend comes, and Avery doesn’t have any work, so he and Derek go out to look at places. Avery spent the entire week asking his friends what is something he should bring Derek first to, and one answer he got was brighter than any of the other ones. The botanical gardens.

The walk there is almost an hour, but neither man minds it. The weather is nice, cool but the sunlight is warming it up and jackets are only needed if they stay still in a shadow for a longer while.

Avery walks significantly faster than Derek when he isn’t focusing, so he tries his best to time his pace to the other, which makes him think a lot. He wants to hold Derek’s hand again, they’ve done it out of convenience a few times, like when they were heading to the hospital and on the plane, but never just because. He wonders if Derek’s hands are always cold and he wonders what Derek would think if he reached out now.

He ends up not reaching out, but the thought stays on the top of Avery’s mind for the entire walk.

There’s an antique store on the way, which they visit briefly to see if they can find anything cool. Derek can hear that familiar faint hum inside of his head, and he wants to reach out for the knowledge, wants to know where all of these things have come from. The table he’s staring at is made out of maple, but it was fixed with oak and that was never disclosed to the buyer after that. Derek blinks hard when a sudden headache hits him, unlike the one he had at his apartment, this one passes just as fast. Derek takes a few deep breaths to collect himself and looks away from the table, searching for Avery.

“Oh I think my dad would love this,” Avery half yells from the other side of the store, he’s pointing at a miniature boat, Derek walks to him, Avery is taking out his phone to probably take a picture.

Eventually they manage to leave the store without buying anything, and get to the botanical gardens. It’s beautiful there.

Avery wants to check out the conservatory first, so they do. Derek finds it enjoyable as well, because he gets to tell Avery all about the plants Avery is interested in. Knowledge he actually has learned in his life.
When Derek is telling Avery about which monkeys eat citrus fruits, Avery can see how much he relaxes, it’s refreshing because there’s always an unmentioned weight Derek clearly carries on his shoulders. Avery continues asking questions about each of the plants they come across, taking in the smile Derek has on his face.

One thing Avery has noticed is that Derek doesn’t smile widely, his fullest smile is closer to a smirk than anything, but how much emotion he’s feeling is clearer from his eyes. He finds it intriguing, beautiful.

At some point Avery spots the cacti area, and he grabs Derek’s hand in the middle of him explaining why palm trees aren’t actually trees, and pulls him to look at them.

“I had a cactus as a kid, I ended up overwatering it because well I was seven.” Avery starts explaining, “Kept seeing nightmares about that cactus, how it was going to come back and overwater me…” he exaggerates a fake shiver and Derek lets out a laugh, “Eventually my parents helped me host a funeral for the cactus and the nightmares stopped!”

A second hour is spent just walking around, talking about different childhood memories, how Derek learned to ride a bike accidentally because there were ants on the ground he didn’t want to touch with his shoes, how there was a phase where Avery would eat nothing but oatmeal with ketchup, and how Derek once woke his mom up in the middle of the night to take him to look at the stars.

Their hands never let go.

The entire day is spent in the botanical gardens, walking around, Derek telling Avery facts he has learned, and both learning new facts by searching them up. At some point they find a place to sit and eat the sandwiches Derek made them because when they checked what they could get from the garden’s cafe, it didn’t look good.

“Are you still in contact with your mom?” Avery inquires, while his mouth is full of bread. Derek shakes his head, “Not anymore, I mean we were close when I was younger but when I dropped out of college she tried to make me go back even after I said it made me miserable. I cut contact after that.”

Avery listens with full focus, “I’m sorry.” “Don’t be, she made her decision and I got to know Carlos soon after, I guess he kind of became a parental figure in my life? We still play chess whenever I have time.”

Derek shares some memories he still has of his mom, the positive ones, and Avery listens.

Evening comes and the pair starts heading home, deciding that they’ll walk as long as their feet let them. Hunger is starting to creep up on them again, so they stop by the English village and find a cozy looking restaurant that’s serving food that sounds good. They decide to order a pizza to share; topped with double cheese, olives, red onion and mushrooms. Derek orders himself a glass of red wine and Avery makes a joke about how he’s drinking with someone who is practically a minor in the vicinity, even if he’s turning twenty one in June.

While waiting for their order to come, they talk about what their favorite things were in the garden.

The food they eat in comfortable silence, on occasion commenting about how tasty things are.

It’s cold outside when they leave the restaurant, so Avery orders them an uber, not directly to his house though, he refuses to tell Derek where they’re going next.

The drive takes fifteen minutes due to traffic, and Avery sleeps for seven of them, Derek struggles to not take a picture of Avery leaning against the window. He settles on admiring the man in the moment instead.

When they’re closer to arriving, Derek wakes Avery up and the first thing Avery does when waking up is give Derek a smile. It feels like it slows the moment down, because now Derek wants to experience it again, maybe for a few times.

The car stops a little bit further away from their location, and Avery makes little jumps in his step while walking towards wherever he’s leading Derek.

An ice cream place.

“Avery… you want ice cream while it’s already cold outside?” Derek questions, his whole fake judgement is getting exposed by the smile he can’t stop, “They have indoor seating, come on!” Avery grabs his hand again and pulls him inside.

There’s a few people besides them inside, but not any queue, the cashier is clearly waiting for the closing time. Avery orders cherry cheesecake flavored ice cream and Derek picks a lemon sorbet, which he gets called basic about, by Avery of course.

Even with the indoor seating, they don’t stay to eat the ice cream, and eat theirs while walking back towards the apartment. Avery asks to taste Derek’s ice cream, and takes a bite out of it, with teeth, stunning the owner of said ice cream for a moment until he takes a bite out of Avery’s ice cream as retaliation. Derek regrets his choice almost immediately, because his gums aren’t made to bite into ice cream, but the flavor is good.

Avery’s phone rings a few blocks before their destination, and he picks up the call with a smile. Derek listens to him, the call is loud enough that he can hear some words from the other end of the call. The topics vary a lot between what Avery has been doing and what, based on Derek’s ability to hear, Avery’s family has been up to. Derek focuses on things happening around them to give Avery privacy, even if the other man stays tightly by his side, what snaps him out of his focus is hearing his own name leave Avery’s mouth, he’s telling the person on the other end of the line that Derek is a new friend.

The call ends when they’ve been inside for fifteen minutes, Derek already in pyjamas and sitting on the couch, also his bed, looking at something on Avery’s laptop.

Before Derek knows it, Avery is sitting by him fresh from a shower with one of Derek’s shirts on paired with his own college pants. It’s Avery’s turn to pick what show they’re watching tonight, and he picks Love Island. Derek groans at the idea of watching a reality television show, but Avery swears that the dumb drama is entertaining.

Avery has energy to watch one episode, tiredness from walking the entire day slowly catching up on him, Derek shuts down the laptop and reaches over the couch’s back to put it on Avery’s work table. Avery lays down dramatically on the couch, resting his legs on Derek’s. Avery’s legs are warm, and after a minute of not knowing what to do, Derek rests his arms on Avery’s legs, glancing over at Avery who is on his phone and based on the sounds, doomscrolling on some social media.

Time passes, Avery gets completely lost in some Minecraft pvp video, and Derek gets lost in staring at the wall.

“–in high school?” The legs on Derek’s lap are moving slightly and he looks at Avery, noticing how his own heart rate spikes momentarily, “Hm?” Derek asks and Avery places his phone down and pushes himself slightly up using his elbows.

“What were you like in high school?” Avery repeats, and Derek purses his lips thinking about it, the hum in his mind is there again, he doesn’t remember a lot anymore, he knows he did.

He tries to form a picture of the bits and pieces he does remember, “I actually did fencing, played the piano too but not voluntarily. In school I focused a lot on getting good grades, I didn't feel the need for friends I don’t think… Preferred reading about things instead.” Avery lets out a laugh, “That’s actually so fitting, fencing and the whole knight thing you have going on work well together. You play the piano?”

“Played, quit when I moved away. What about you? What was your high school like?”

Avery smiles, “I was a popular kid obviously.” When Derek looks at him with a questioning look, Avery smiles wider, “Nah not really, I mean I had friends, but it was a small town so… mostly we all just dreamed about getting out.” He seems to find something to mention as well, but before saying it, Avery pulls his legs away from Derek’s lap and pulls himself to sit up, still facing the other man.

“I had a girlfriend, we broke up the day after graduation actually, but we still keep in touch on occasion.” Avery watches as Derek’s expression goes from surprised to something Avery can’t immediately pinpoint, “I don’t think it was love though, we were best friends and the only mixed kids in our year so it felt comforting to have someone similar close by.”

Derek nods slowly, “She sounds nice.” He regrets saying anything when Avery looks at him with a mischievous look, “Are you jealous?” It’s teasing, Derek knows it’s supposed to be in a joking way but he can’t lie to Avery, and he isn’t sure if he is jealous or if he isn’t.

It’s the lack of an answer Derek has, that brings the flush on Avery’s face, he’s staring at Derek with his lips slightly parted and Derek looks away to not pay attention to it. He can’t look away for too long, turning his face back towards Avery’s, whose eyes are scanning over everything else than Derek’s face, Avery isn’t sure he can take those eyes looking up to him. His face feels like it’s burning, and his heart is beating like a drum in his chest.

Avery stands up fast and speaks fast, faster than usual even when he’s excited about something, Derek follows him with his eyes as Avery says something about it being late and how he should brush his teeth.

And then the door to the bathroom closes after him, leaving Derek without words for the first time in a long while. He isn’t a stranger to feelings, but he’s new to this situation, whenever there was a time where he had feelings for someone in the past he never felt the need to do anything about them before Avery. Now he keeps finding himself thinking about Avery whenever the other is at school or at work, and multiple times he has bought Avery’s favorite candy at the store when he has gone to one alone.

When Avery comes out of the bathroom he heads straight to his own bed, Derek lets him, he doesn’t want to push it, doesn’t want to ruin what they have going on right now. So he goes to brush his teeth as well, turning off the lights when he walks back to his bed.

Neither one falls asleep, both just staring at the roof and listening to the breathing of the other one in the room. It feels like today they truly were forced to be aware of the thin line they’re walking on, and have been walking on ever since that endless library. None of it makes sense when they think about how short an amount of time they have actually known each other, but neither does the world they met through. To the two, it feels as if they’ve known each other for years, and for a moment Derek did in a way, but when it comes to why Avery feels that way, there’s no explanation.

“Did you intend to get out of there alive?” It’s barely above a whisper, but in the quiet room Avery’s question is clear as the night sky was when they were walking home.

Derek closes his eyes, he wants to hide from the truth, but he knows that he can’t, not anymore, “No.”

He can hear how Avery’s breath hitches, and Derek stands up carefully and uses the darkness of the room to walk over to Avery’s bed where the other man is barely under the covers. Without words, Avery makes space for Derek to sit down on the edge of the bed, who does, the springs of the bed giving a small complaint.

For a few minutes neither says anything. Avery’s breathing is shaky, he doesn’t want to cry.

“If you hadn’t shown up in my house, I wouldn’t have tried looking away, I knew my body would’ve given up eventually on its own.” The confession is all that it takes for Avery to break, he can feel the warm tears running down his cheeks and soak into the pillow underneath him.

Derek hears the change in breathing, and lays down next to Avery, he’s facing him but Avery is still staring at the ceiling. Derek wants to reach out, wants to brush away the hair that’s getting wet from the tears. “Avery,” he whispers.

Avery closes his eyes and tries to take in deep breaths, doing his best to not let the panic seep into his bones, Derek continues, “Thank you for showing me that life is worth it.”

The moment is on pause, still, quiet, nothing else is moving besides their lungs with breaths that are starting to synchronise with each other. Slowly Avery turns over, facing the other man that he’s sharing his pillow with, he lets his guard fall down and puts his forehead against Derek’s, who for a second freezes, but exhales all of the tension away on the second after it. Their eyes are closed, shielding them from whatever is waiting for them after this moment.

It’s a beautiful, tranquil moment.

There’s a need to share a second, deeper, truth of the night, and Avery is chewing his lips to keep it in.

He can’t, not when it’s Derek.

“The summer after I graduated high school, a week before my birthday on the thirteenth, my sister tried to kill herself.” Avery’s voice sounds drained just from saying it, Derek almost tells him that he doesn’t need to continue if he doesn’t want to, but he senses that Avery needs this.

After a deep breath, Avery manages to continue, “Our parents were out with their friends so me and Cleo were home alone until late at night. I was outside watching the stars, just in our yard because she was fourteen and I was in charge of her.” There’s tears running down his cheeks again, both pairs of eyes stay closed to keep the privacy of the moment, “When I went back inside I went to check up on her, maybe hoping that she would be asleep already, but–” Avery has to force himself to take in a deep breath, it sounds painful, “She was unconscious on the floor instead, overdose, she found our mom’s antidepressants. She was barely breathing and I didn’t know what to do, besides call the emergency number.”

Derek reaches out underneath the blanket for Avery’s hand, giving the other the support he gladly takes, Avery holds Derek’s hand like it’s a lifeline.

“The ambulance got there fast, and she was conscious when they were taking her away. They didn’t let me go with them, and told me to call our parents. I knew one of the paramedics from church.” Avery feels nauseous, he squeezes Derek’s hand who responds with a squeeze just as secure.

Derek opens his eyes and with his free hand, reaches to wipe away some of the tears from Avery’s cheeks, “Is that why you want to become a nurse?”

“Yeah…” Avery opens his eyes, “My gap year was a lot, my mom was blaming herself for the first two months, didn’t want to lose a second kid. No one really noticed how much I was struggling with it, I didn’t really mention it either, my parents had a lot on their plate already.”

The space between them is too much, and Avery pushes himself slightly up by his free hand, pressing his ear against Derek’s chest instead, listening to his heart beat. “Cleo still hates me for saving her life, we barely talk anymore.”
“You will,” Derek whispers, the hum in his head lets him have the information without consequences, Avery relaxes visibly.

It doesn’t take too long for Avery’s breathing to settle into what Derek knows it is when the other is asleep, he uses his legs to kick the blanket better on them both, and hugs Avery closer to his chest, reaching to give a careful kiss on his head. Avery lets out a content hum.

There are many few nights after that throughout the next week, where each of them sleep in separate beds. Either Avery comes home tired after school and a closing shift, and after a shower curls up next to Derek on the couch and falls asleep there, or they watch Love Island in the evening, brush their teeth simultaneously and hide under the covers in Avery’s bed. Hiding from the world together is their safe spot.

It’s a Friday night, the second last of January, both Avery and Derek have been invited to a party on Saturday, Derek more as Avery’s plus one, his friends want to meet the stranger that’s living with him. Derek has been auditing a few classes in Avery’s university for fun, he’s slowly finding interest in learning new things and Avery calls it a good sign. The two are currently watching their favorite reality tv show, Avery laying down on the couch and Derek sitting on the floor, the laptop balanced on a chair in front of them.

“Oh why would she choose him? The other guy has so much better chemistry with her!” Avery laughs at Derek’s reaction, but agrees afterwards, he likes teasing Derek about how invested he gets in these, but it’s endearing.

The episode ends and Derek pauses the autoplay before the next one starts properly, he leans against the couch and Avery reaches to play with his hair. “If I can ask, what did you mean by saying your mom doesn’t want to lose a second kid?” Derek drops, the hand in his hair doesn’t stop so he knows he hasn’t crossed a line, but Avery is quiet for a while.

“I’m the oldest, but my mom lost a child before she got pregnant with Cleo, it was a lot for her, I was young so I don’t remember what she was like before, but she talked about it once when me and Cleo were older.” Avery explains, sits up and slides down from the couch to be next to Derek, “My parents would’ve named them Blake.”

Derek hums, “A, B and C, that’s cute.” Avery nods and smiles.

Not too long and they’re lying in Avery’s bed again, it’s smaller than the couch but that’s why they prefer it, cuddling doesn’t feel like as big of a deal. And Avery doesn’t roll in his sleep as much when he’s pressed between the wall and Derek.

Sharing a bed also lessens the nightmares, and when there are flashes of yellow or eyes, or just the feeling of being stared at, waking up isn’t as daunting when there is someone you can pull closer to your own shaking body.

Morning comes too soon and Avery wakes up alone without Derek in his arms, but he can smell coffee, he stretches his arms before standing up. The air is cold so he pulls the first hoodie he finds on, it’s Derek’s of course. The man himself is in the kitchen, leaning against the table and staring into nothingness with a cup in his hand with steam rising from it, Avery observes the scene for a moment before commenting that the coffee will get cold, which makes Derek blink slowly and drink from the cup, without words.

Avery decides to not think about it too hard yet, it might be the morning, or the party in the evening, he knows Derek is as introverted as one gets.

However Derek continues being absent, and as two hours pass by without Derek saying a word, Avery starts growing worried. He watches as Derek sits on the couch, he has his phone in his hand but he isn’t even looking at it, Avery walks to the couch and sits down while carefully reaching out to Derek. When his hand lands on the other’s shoulder, Derek flinches and his eyes focus on Avery.

“Are you okay?” The question is open enough for Derek to back out, so he nods, Avery sits there for a while longer, seeing if Derek’s eyes go back to the unfocused state again, but they don’t.

Derek puts his phone away, and apologizes, when he explains that he’s having trouble focusing on anything this morning, Avery gets worried, could be a sign of a migraine incoming. He makes Derek promise that he’ll inform Avery if there are any other signs for one.

The day passes like any other, they make food together, Avery is in charge of chopping vegetables this time, while Derek makes the next few days food, vegetable soup.

Then it’s time for outfits, Derek tries to explain to Avery why wearing a black hoodie and jeans is the perfect party outfit, without success in doing so. Avery is already wearing his favorite baggy jeans with a band t-shirt, it’s from some band in the eighties that he stole from his dad once when doing laundry. Derek gets a shirt shoved into his hands, it’s a basic red one, and Avery tells him he should wear it with one of his hoodies because they have a zipper, unlike the ones Derek owns.

When it finally is time to leave, Avery has his own hair styled, Derek laughed too many times when Avery was considering gluing the front pieces of his hair to his temples, that now Derek also has his hair styled, but with a half up half down ponytail. For the few seconds he even recognized himself in the mirror he did form the thought that he looks surprisingly good, and the fact that Avery keeps glancing at him whenever he doesn’t think Derek will notice tells him a lot as well. In Avery’s defense, Derek also finds himself staring at Avery when Avery isn’t looking, but he does that a lot on normal days.

The person hosting doesn’t live far, so the two decide on walking at least there, how they’re getting back entirely depends on how late it’ll be.

Avery immediately gets grabbed by his friends when they walk into the room filled with people, music and colorful lights. Derek follows the group to a corner they have apparently taken as their own spot, Avery talks with his friends for a little bit until turning around and looking at Derek and grabbing his hand.

Derek does his best to smile when Avery introduces him, he stands in the area with Avery for a long time until Avery asks if he wants to go and dance. Derek shakes his head and Avery nods, reminding Derek that when he wants to leave or if he feels a migraine coming on, he needs to tell Avery. After that Avery gets pulled away to dance by people. Derek leans against the wall, doing his best to blend in with it, and observes. There’s a table with empty cans and bottles on it, Derek isn’t exactly sure how long the party has been going on but Avery did talk about it not mattering as long as they arrived within the first three hours.

He watches as Avery talks with his friends, it’s interesting seeing Avery in a social situation, it seems to come so naturally to the man. To Derek, Avery is practically shining, he doesn’t mind being a wallflower if it means getting to see Avery smile like that.

The situation reminds him of the first, and only, party he went to in high school. Derek isn’t sure why, when he tries to think back to it he is greeted by a void, but he deems that it isn’t that important.

Avery walks over to him with two bottles of some alcohol brand Derek hasn’t tried before, they’re still closed but he knows Avery packed a bottle opener with him.

“Do you want the citrus flavored one, or raspberry?” Avery inquires, simultaneously leaning against the wall right next to Derek, their arms touching, Derek is handed the citrus one before he can answer that he would pick it, Avery opens both bottles and smiles while taking a sip out of his. It’s a silent moment, but not uncomfortable. Derek doesn’t think there can be such a thing as uncomfortable silence when he’s around Avery.

He doesn’t mention how there’s a slight ringing in his ears when Avery asks him how he’s doing, just tells the other to enjoy himself. Avery looks puzzled, before eventually going back to socializing.

One of the people Derek has seen in one of the classes he’s auditing, walks over to him, they’re wearing yellow glitter around their eyes and Derek hates how the color makes his heart skip a beat out of memory. He greets the person who stops by him, standing, not leaning against the wall.

“You came here with Avery right?” They ask, Derek nods, not knowing where this story is going, “That’s neat, he’s friends with my girlfriend so… I hear a lot of good things about him.”

Derek smiles without meaning to, which catches the attention of the person in front of him, “You two live together? Or is that just a rumor?” “I’m visiting for a longer period, so I guess we do live together currently.” Derek responds, taking a sip of his drink, it tastes less like vodka than it did the first few times he drank from the bottle, his tastebuds must be getting used to the flavor.

The two talk about the class they share, until they leave Derek alone, there’s a familiar pain slowly bringing itself to Derek’s attention, but it’s not too bad, he doesn’t want to ruin Avery’s night over what could very possibly just be a headache so far.

Maybe forty minutes pass, and Derek is feeling worse, the lights around him are a lot and the left side of his head is aching severely. He considers going to find Avery, but pushing himself off this wall feels like it will end up in him throwing up, even if he doesn’t feel like puking. Derek settles on keeping his eyes focused on the floor and staying as still as possible, it feels like it’s helping, until someone bumps into him forcing him off his well built balance.

Trying to find Avery ends up being harder, as he seems to have left the living room area. Derek ends up finding him on the balcony with, who he thinks introduced herself as Amanda, the two are talking and Derek doesn’t feel like interrupting the topic so he ends up standing by Avery and leaning his head on the other’s shoulder.

The pressure from pressing his forehead against the bones in Avery’s shoulder is freeing. It doesn’t take too long when he can feel Avery grabbing his hand and placing something in it, Derek forces himself to open his eyes. Avery tells him to take the painkiller, and that they’re heading home soon. Derek surprises himself by swallowing the pill down dry, but he coughs afterwards as it feels unpleasant. Amanda asks if there’s anything she can do and Avery answers her with some words, Derek is back to focusing on the floor to try his best and ignore the pain.

Walking home in the cold night air feels better, it’s quieter and Derek doesn’t feel nauseous anymore, for now at least.

“Why didn’t you get me earlier?” Avery asks, when they’re almost home, “I didn’t realize until it was too late.” It is a bad excuse, and they both know it, but Avery lets Derek have this one for now.

Once they’re inside, Derek barely manages to brush his teeth before he pukes, after that he brushes his teeth again and crashes on the couch face buried in the pillow. Avery sits by him and takes the hair tie out, relieving some of the pressure momentarily.

Derek spends the entire Sunday nauseous and in pain, there are no lights on in the bedroom area, even when Avery could’ve used extra light to find his work uniform. Time doesn’t feel like it is passing at all for Derek, only times he knows he is surely awake is when his body wants him to throw up the small amount of food he has managed to eat without having to move his head; whenever he does he is greeted by pounding pain.

Monday goes by in a similar state, Avery makes sure to leave some chips and a filled bottle of water by the couch, before leaving for school. Whenever Derek does manage to fall asleep, the dream state is him walking through those gates, and then he falls and wakes up, sometimes it takes forever for him to reach the opening and sometimes he reaches it in a blink of an eye. After the seventh time of him falling, Derek finds that he’s feeling more alert when awake, the room is dark.

After sitting up and finding his phone, which has been charged full, most likely by Avery, Derek is greeted with the fact that it’s almost five in the morning on Tuesday. Avery is sleeping in the bed based on the quiet breathing and the lump underneath the blanket.

Derek does his best to move quietly, when he heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth and maybe to wash his face with cold water, he feels as if he were hungover, but he knows he isn’t. The mint flavored toothpaste helps him feel more awake, and so does the cold water the more he throws it on his face. A shower sounds inviting, but Derek knows he’ll wake Avery up if he does take one right now, he can wait a few hours.

He walks back to the bedroom, and debates between laying down on the couch until Avery wakes up, and laying down next to Avery on the bed. Going near the bed would risk waking Avery up, and he needs his rest, so Derek sits down on the couch and spends the next hour looking through his email and reading the news.

Avery’s alarm is loud and Derek flinches when it rings, he smiles when listening to the blanket move, Avery groans after turning the alarm off and sits up with a lot of complaints in his head about the morning. All of them die down when he sees the glow from Derek’s phone screen, he stands up and walks over to the couch, falling down on it and laying down over Derek’s legs, the man’s knees are digging uncomfortably into Avery’s shoulderblades, but he couldn’t care less.

“Good morning,” Derek smiles, Avery can hear the smile in the other’s voice and he feels, now familiar, butterflies in his stomach. Instead of answering, Avery sits up and forcibly tackles Derek so that they can lay down on the couch together, Avery’s face hidden in the curve of Derek’s neck. The man who is now pinned between Avery and the couch is stunned, it feels so natural to be here, he wraps his hands around Avery and hugs him against his chest. He lets out a silent laugh when Avery is almost falling asleep again.

With a small shake, Derek wakes Avery up again, not letting go just yet, “You have a class in an hour.” Derek’s words don’t stir any kind of reaction, besides some words that resemble “I don’t care,” that are murmured against Derek’s skin.

So they lay there until Avery’s alarm, that he put on snooze instead of turning it off, fills the room again and he speaks the complaints that were in his head before.

For breakfast they have toast, the smell rising from the toaster tells the two that it’s stuck again and the bread is burning. Avery fries some eggs to put on top of his toast to hide the burnt corner, with ketchup on top as well. Derek decides to not comment on it because he knows he will have to taste it if he does. He eats his toast with the tomato and salt on top of the butter.

They share a cup of coffee, because there wasn’t enough for two cups, Derek adds coffee to the grocery list.

While Derek takes a quick shower, Avery picks out clothes for himself. He settles on his favorite jeans, and Derek’s t-shirt and hoodie. The hoodie smells like Derek and Avery can’t help but smile.

When Derek is out of the shower, Avery steals the bathroom to brush his teeth, the humid air in it makes his hair curl up more, but he likes it. Derek joins him and brushes his own teeth on the side, Avery uses the mirror to steal glances at Derek. The red dye is starting to fade, mostly because Derek refuses to wash his hair with cool water.

Derek walks him to the bus stop, the air is warming up and Avery is excited for February to finally come. He has one more clinical rotation to get through this school year and that’s going to be in February.

When the bus arrives, Avery lets go of Derek’s hand and wishes him a good day, and watches through the bus window how Derek heads towards the store after putting on his headphones.

Time passes again, Derek loves it, it’s a reminder on how he is still breathing.

Avery has a, not so secret anymore, notebook filled with notes he has on Derek’s health that he has been keeping since they moved to Birmingham. His notes are mostly on Derek’s physical health, but there are some small notes on how he avoids looking into the mirror, other reflective surfaces are fine unless it’s a day where he isn’t sure if it’s a dream or real life. The notebook isn’t hidden, so Derek can read it now that he found it if he wants to, he does on occasion.

He has smaller seizures on occasion, nothing worth going to a doctor for since he has been told he is prone to them. Avery called them myoclonic seizures one time, not as a diagnosis, but as a possible observation, and Derek reads about them with Avery. The medication he got from the doctor helps, but he isn’t used to the routine of taking medication since his whole thing with the King.

January is over faster than anyone would like it to be.

They finish the season of Love Island that they have been watching on the day before February, time feels like it’s passing by faster than it should, but then again Derek has only been here with Avery for slightly over three weeks, they have been seeing each other non stop for a month though.

Derek buys them a new calendar to attach to the fridge door, it’s like a whiteboard, so Avery can keep track of his days during rotation and Derek knows when he won’t be seeing Avery for longer periods of time. Avery spends the next five hours writing things on it, and it is looking dangerously full once he’s done.

He makes Derek promise that if Avery feels like quitting, he needs to remind him why he’s doing this.

The first two weeks of February are hard for Avery, he ends up crying on the kitchen floor during the first weekend after getting home an hour before midnight, and Derek sits there and lets him. Avery never says that he wants to quit, even through tears he’s determined to get through this, no motivation lost. It does help that whenever he’s worried he isn’t doing something correctly, or is not sure that he can do things, like check vitals correctly, Derek volunteers as a test dummy. Avery buys Derek his favorite snacks as a thank you when he has the time to do so.

Avery gets as free from schoolwork as possible, on the thirteenth, he has the entire weekend for himself and he’s celebrating it by eating ice cream from the tub on his bed while doomscrolling on Tiktok. Derek is reading one of Avery’s course books on the couch, and Avery feels content. He’s not sure if he has ever felt this at home in this apartment than he does now.

A video on his for you page reminds him that tomorrow is Valentine’s day.

“Huh time goes by fast,” he states out loud, mostly to himself but Derek sits up and looks at Avery with a questioning look. Avery smiles, “Tomorrow is Valentine’s day,” he even shows the video even if Derek won’t be able to see it that far properly.

Derek stands up and walks to watch the video, Avery smiles wider, it’s a small act.

When the video is done, Derek starts explaining where Valentine’s day originates from. Avery listens to it with pure interest, even if he does know most of this, the fact that it’s Derek explaining it makes it all so much better.

Avery thinks about the past two weeks, he has been so caught up in studying, rotations and work that he and Derek have barely talked, but there has always been food waiting for him in the fridge, even if Avery was home late. On those days where he came home at night, Derek would wake up whenever the door closed behind him and they would curl up in bed together. If Avery had a night shift and he was catching up on sleep during the day, Derek would be as quiet as possible while doing his own work or studies. There was also the time where Derek brought him his favorite tea, that Avery never mentioned is his favorite, but Derek just hummed that it’s the one that always runs out first. The tea is always right by Derek’s medication, which Avery has to remind him to take every evening, they like the routine.

“Which makes people asking ‘Will you be my Valentine’ them asking someone if they would die for them.” Derek finishes his explanation, his eyes are bright as they always are when he’s talking about something he truly finds interesting. Avery loves noticing it, he usually ends up asking things from Derek he knows Derek would love explaining, even if Avery already knows the answer. It just truly is beautiful how Derek brightens up.

It’s interesting to Avery, how he can no longer imagine life without Derek in it, he has been vaguely aware that he likes the other man; has never pushed it because he is truly content in the dynamic they share right now. Avery thinks about those times at Derek’s apartment where they were still strangers to each other, but everything they did felt just like it was meant to happen eventually, like it was just a matter of time, even if they were wary of that feeling. Both of them were walking on imaginary eggshells placed there by themselves.

Now they live together in Avery’s small place, although their life is far from existing in a place that could only be called one of theirs.

Their clothes are barely in separate piles anymore, if they make it to the wardrobe they make their way there together for both to use as they want to. Avery looks at Derek, who is mostly wearing his clothes right now. Derek’s toothbrush moved away from the edge of the bathroom sink to the cabinet behind the mirror a while ago, it’s there next to Avery’s now. The calendar on the fridge is now filled with their lives, and Derek is in the process of meeting with a doctor in the hospital nearby.

The domesticity of it all scares Avery a little bit, but in the best way possible. It makes his heart race and he cannot stop smiling most of the time when he and Derek are holding hands, or watching a show and Derek is leaning his head on Avery’s shoulder.

This is their home, their place that they live in together. When did it become that? Avery isn’t sure, but right now it feels like the most correct statement in the entire world.

Derek must have seen Avery getting lost in thought, because he sits down and waits for Avery to come back to the world of living with his thoughts. When Avery focuses his eyes back on Derek, the man is looking at him with the most caring eyes ever, a mix of concern and softness that makes Avery’s heart do flips and makes him want to blurt out every feeling he has felt for Derek ever since they first locked eyes in that dark bedroom of his.

“I have a plan for us tomorrow,” Avery states instead, Derek’s eyes widen a little bit and he lets out a small “Hm?” sound to indicate a question. No answer comes to him, as Avery just nods a few times and pulls out his phone, “Do you like escape rooms?”

Derek thinks about his answer for a moment, he hasn’t been in one in years, but as a teenager he did love figuring out the clues and beating the rooms in record times.

“Yeah, I would say that I like them.” He holds the pause for a moment, before adding “Why?” As an inquiry. Once again Derek’s question is met with mischievous smiling from Avery’s side, and he gives up on asking and accepts that he now has plans for tomorrow. Not that Derek actually ever minds doing things with Avery, he enjoys them.

Avery calls his mom when the time reaches closer to the evening, and just mentions how he and Derek have plans for tomorrow. Derek watches as Avery blushes and gets flustered over something that is said on the other end of the line, but lets it be and focuses on the article he’s reading.

They sleep wrapped in each other’s arms at night, and wake up to the alarm set by Avery fairly early in the morning. The sun is already up in the sky, but still rising, when Avery hands Derek a cup of coffee and heads to the shower himself. The coffee is made just like Derek likes it, mostly dark but with a little bit of oat milk in the mix to make the texture less watery, he smiles against the liquid when drinking it down.

Once they’re both dressed and ready to go, Avery starts taking Derek to the direction of wherever the first stop is at.

It’s a restaurant they have talked about going to before, that offers brunch on Saturdays only, so Avery explains that it’s perfect today. There’s a few decorations around the two people tables, and their server wishes them good Valentine’s day, which Derek notices makes Avery smile in a new way, it’s almost shy.

They end up spending two hours there, mostly talking, but also eating food that at the end of it Avery says he could probably make better, but it is good and enjoyable nonetheless. The atmosphere adds to it by a lot.

Derek is holding Avery’s hand while Avery is taking him to the uber that’ll take them to their second location, which is an escape room, Avery leaves Derek to look at the brochure while he goes to talk to the employer at the desk. There seem to be a lot of interesting looking rooms, one that interests Derek the most, but he doesn’t think that Avery would be as big of a fan of the cosmic one as he would. The one with ruins sounds like it would be Avery’s choice.

“Our time starts in fifteen minutes!” Avery practically leaps to stand by Derek’s side, “Oh that’s the one we’re going to win,” he smiles while pointing at the one Derek is interested in. Derek feels his face warm up at the thought of Avery picking one that he would prefer, over the one that his eyes do keep wandering to on the brochure in Derek’s hand.

He turns to look at Avery, “You’re sure you wouldn’t prefer the ancient treasure one?” “It looks cool, but I wanted to pick one you’d find more interesting!” Avery’s answer brings back that slight blush on his face and Derek decides to store the look in his memory. Fifteen minutes pass fast with them just looking at the pictures on the brochures, Avery leaning down slightly to lean his head on Derek’s shoulder.

The first room they enter makes them feel like they’re in a spaceship, they have their orders on what the story is, but first they take it all in. Avery feels like his head is spinning from all the lights and switches, and Derek is already unravelling the room with his eyes, figuring out which cables are just decorative and which are actually connected to things and if there are visible hints to get into first. The static threatens to spill all the secrets to him, but whenever Avery looks at him with that excited look, Derek remembers why he should do this the actual way.

It doesn’t take them longer than five minutes to figure out the first puzzle, Derek lets Avery throw in guesses, and Avery doesn’t feel dumb when Derek tells him why it wouldn’t work. It’s a good balance between the two. After the first puzzle they move forward, and Derek starts feeling an unfamiliar anxiety rise in him, he decides to push it away from his mind, he wants to enjoy this.

The feeling makes itself known at the next thing they need to solve, he’s back in that world being led by the King and his own curiosity to know. Derek does his best to focus harder on the task at hand, it’s an easy cipher that is familiar to him already, he cuts off Avery with the correct answer and clearly catches him off guard, Derek apologizes and Avery nods, but he isn’t smiling as widely anymore, instead trying to catch Derek’s eyes without success.

By the time they still have thirty minutes left in their time, Derek’s hands are shaking. Avery isn’t doing the puzzles anymore, but Derek isn’t even noticing it, he’s too focused on focusing on them, doing his best to push away every memory that keeps flashing in his head from those tunnels and mazes, after the gates too.

When Derek drops an item, Avery decides to step in and grab it instead, “You’re not having fun. What’s wrong?” Derek still refuses to meet Avery’s eyes, he knows that the other man is good at reading what he’s thinking when it comes to his facial expressions, and he isn’t sure he likes it. Being interrupted from his focus comes crashing down on him and out of nowhere, Derek feels like he can’t breathe properly.

Avery places the thing he grabbed down and reaches out for Derek’s hand, Derek doesn’t resist and lets himself be guided out. He isn’t sure when Avery told the people observing them that they want out, but when Derek feels like he can breathe again, they’re sitting outside on the ground. Avery’s jacket is placed as a barrier between them and the pavement, and he’s leaning his head on Derek’s, which is leaning against Avery’s shoulder. Derek is still shaking, and his head is hurting more than it usually is, but being able to feel Avery breathing is helping, they both made it out and they are both here in the sunlight, and they are alive.

“I’m sorry,” Avery whispers, Derek asks for what, “When you went quiet I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t try to help. I think I wanted to… I don’t know. Prove to myself that maybe you were having fun.” There’s no answer for a while, but Derek reaches for Avery’s hand and squeezes it once. “I was, for a while, we should try again someday, but not while the memories are still fresh.”

The hand holding his squeezes back, “Of the King?” Avery asks, daring to speak slightly louder this time.
“Yeah, of the King and the whole place.”

They sit in silence and enjoy the rays of sunlight for twenty or so minutes, before Derek indicates that he is fine to get up now. Neither really feels like getting in a car yet, so they look around the stores that are surrounding the escape room place.

There’s a cake store that only has cakes that are weirdly decorated, but the worker tells them that it’s the speciality of this store specifically. Derek and Avery research the style afterwards, while eating a slice.

From the furniture store, they spot a decorative pillow that they both find cute. Avery takes a picture of it to remember it later, while Derek is using Avery being distracted as a good time to already find it online.

Suddenly multiple hours pass, and they’re sitting at the first food place they ran into, thinking about what to do next, the clock is showing seven in the evening and Avery is suggesting that they make it home before the air gets too cold because he didn’t put on his warmer jacket for today.

Derek figures out the next spot they’re going, and walks Avery over to the bus stop where they hop on a bus and take it all the way to a stop near the train station. During the ride Avery points at places from the window and tells Derek what he knows about them, like where some of his classmates live and in what area there was a party that cops got called to interrupt.

“Oh isn’t this where the color wall is?” Avery asks while looking around, he and Derek have been holding hands ever since they got off the bus and Avery’s heart feels like it might explode about it. “Yeah, you said you have never seen it and it is a walking distance from your place, so I thought why not.”

They find the wall with ease, and avoid getting hit by cars in the parking lot they have to walk through.

Avery demands that they take pictures, the selfies they take together remind Avery of those movie end credit photos that show what the main characters are up to after the movie is over, and he wants to frame one on a wall. He even makes Derek pose for a picture or two, after making the man take photos of him, Derek’s poses are very stiff, but Avery can’t do anything else but laugh and smile. In turn whenever Avery is laughing too hard to keep the phone stable for clear pictures, the more Derek is smiling.

On the walk home, they’re walking almost attached to each other, laughing and talking about everything and anything. Derek insists that they take a detour through the store, because there is something that he needs to get, and Avery agrees, he doesn’t want this moment to pass and by doing a detour they won’t reach home as fast.

When Derek goes to the store, he makes Avery wait outside, he circles around the isles to find specific things he knows Avery likes. He picks out Avery’s favorite candy, and a lollipop Derek has been hearing about for a week, that Avery just keeps forgetting to get. Derek also stops by the flower bouquets, that are all looking like they have been out for the entire day, but he gets one anyways.

“Hi,” Derek smiles when he’s back outside, and Avery raises his eyes from his phone. Derek hands him the flowers, the other things are inside of the pockets of his jacket, and Avery stops in his tracks. He takes the bouquet, and stares at it.

The main thing he notices is the lavender, but there are roses in the mix as well. Out of all the flowers, the roses look the most wilted, but Avery could not even make himself care if he wanted to, his eyes are glued to the bouquet, and nervously with butterflies in his stomach he brings it to his nose and smells the flowers. Derek wants to make a new dye, same shade as Avery’s blush is. His cheeks are hurting from smiling so much, but it doesn’t bother him.

When Avery regains his composure, his mind catches up on what is happening, “This isn’t fair, I’m the one that took you on a date, I should be getting you flowers!” His voice is more high pitched than usual, mostly out of being flustered, but Derek doesn’t laugh, a blush rises on his face as well, highlighting every feature. It takes Avery slightly too long to realize that this is the first time he has called it a date, out loud that is.

When Derek speaks, his voice is smooth, calmer than Avery’s, but it is clear he is struggling to keep the composure. “I know, but you deserve so much Avery. I wanted to do something as well.”

“You… knew this was a date? Is a date.” Avery corrects himself fast, and Derek chuckles before answering, “Yes I do, you never did ask me to be your valentine though.” It’s teasing, and Avery has to look away for a second, his choice being the darkening sky.

Without giving a solid answer, Avery grabs Derek’s hand and drags him towards the apartment, away from the store’s incandescent lighting. Derek catches up to Avery’s pace fast enough, but when Avery notices that Derek has to make slight leaps on occasion, he slows down.

“You technically agreed already, to be my valentine that is.” Avery comments, Derek looks at him with confusion.

Avery smiles, once again with that shy smile Derek has grown to enjoy as much as every other smile Avery has, “You said that asking someone to be their valentine means asking them if they would die for you…”

“Yeah?” Derek prompts Avery to continue.

They stop just a few feet away from the door that leads to the stairwell, Avery looks into Derek’s eyes a long time before answering, “You already almost did, die for me, that is, I don’t think I need to ask anymore.”

That sentence catches Derek off guard, not in a way he deems bad, just off guard. Something he thought on that platform comes back to him in a feeling and it feels like a puzzle piece fell right into place somewhere within him, nothing is fixed he knows that much, but something is no longer missing.

The hum of the elevator motor is steady, there are no more words being shared out loud, and the only noise besides their breathing and the hum is the ping followed by the doors sliding open.

Shoes clicking against the floor of the hallway is echoing louder than it usually sounds to be, Avery is glad about it because it feels like it’s hiding how hard his heart is beating against his ribcage whenever he looks at Derek who is right next to him, they reach the door and Avery goes to find his keys with the hand that isn’t holding the flowers.

A cold hand, colder than his at least, reaches out and grabs his wrist gently before he can open the door. Avery looks up from his keys and looks at Derek who is surprisingly close to him now, when Derek looks down for a second Avery can see the roots of his hair that are growing, pushing away the red again.

“Is this the moment in the movie where you kiss me at the doorstep?” The joke doesn’t sound as joking as it’s intended to be by Avery, because Derek looks up at him again in the middle of it and he suddenly hopes to actually kiss the man. Derek smiles, and chuckles, “I suppose this would be me walking you to your door after a good night.”

Avery shakes his head in minimal motion, holding eye contact, the volume of his voice is just above a breath, “Not true, you live here too.”

Derek tries to read Avery’s eyes for any hints of a lie, but there are none, Avery means it and Derek feels a lump in his throat due to it. Positively. He watches as Avery takes the smallest step closer to Derek, who has to look down for a moment to calm down his own heart. Due to the closeness, Derek has to crane his neck to meet Avery’s eyes again.

The lights in the hallway turn on, which alerts them to someone closing their door and walking down the exact hallway they’re standing in, Avery collects himself fast and opens the door with almost no failure in getting the key in, Derek takes a few quick steps in and closes the door after him.

Before the lights are even turned on, there are two warm hands on both sides of Derek’s face, thumb on the left side tracing his cheek bone. The bouquet is on the floor now, it was wilted already. Derek doesn’t feel like he can quite breathe anymore, but then again Avery doesn’t look like he can catch his own either. It takes that small nod from Derek that makes Avery’s breath hitch on the way in, before he’s leaning down to capture Derek’s lips on his own.

It is everything and nothing in the perfect balance of it all. No fireworks are exploding and it is slightly awkward, but that is just perfect for the both of them. The feelings they are experiencing are like nothing else before, like life itself has granted them this one perfect moment, handcrafted it for them to stay in as long as they need to. Avery’s hands are warm and shaky, holding Derek steadier than he has ever felt himself be before, and yet he yearns for more. Derek reaches out and fists his hands into the fabric of Avery’s shirt, that is one of Derek’s, and uses the leverage to pull the other even closer.

Unfortunately, no one's lungs can breathe the air from nothing until the end of times, so they do have to pull apart and fill theirs with oxygen. Avery rests his head on Derek’s forehead, and Derek’s hold, that is turning his knuckles white, loosens, instead he runs his hands over the creases he created in the fabric, all the way to Avery’s ribs and down, eventually settling on keeping his hands at Avery's waist, the act translating into something close to worshipping. Even with their eyes closed, they could both trace each other’s features just by memory only, Avery lets his other hand fall down on Derek’s neck, the other making its way into red hair and back of Derek’s head.

Derek doesn’t wait to be pulled back in, and catches Avery by surprise when their lips come in contact again, their lips move together more in sync this time and Avery can fully appreciate the softness of Derek’s lips, he can taste hints of the food they shared earlier, but everything else is solely Derek and it’s perfect. He feels Derek pull him closer by his waist, and Avery takes a step even closer, their bodies are so close to each other Avery is sure the next step would be to merge together if there was no space to move. He takes an experimental step even closer and when Derek goes with it, moving backwards in trusting steps, Avery feels the hand in Derek’s hair hit the front door. He pulls his hand away and feels over the, now heated, skin on Derek’s neck, feels the soft fabric of the shirt the man is wearing while taking in the shiver that runs through Derek while Avery’s hand slowly reaches its destination on Derek's hip.

When Avery uses his hand to push Derek’s back against the door, he swallows down the whine that leaves the other man’s throat. Derek knows that he has lost whatever fight there ever was, when the only thing he can think of is Avery’s mouth on his, Avery’s hands keeping him stable and grounded. Only Avery, Avery, Avery… The warm hand on his neck cups his face and tilts it to a position where the kiss feels even deeper, Avery is so gentle with him, like he believes that Derek deserves to be taken care of, and he feels content to believe in it for a moment.

Avery’s hand on his hip pushes the fabric of his shirt up, those warm hands reaching for Derek’s skin. When the tips of Avery’s fingers make contact with Derek’s waist, he hides his moan by licking into the other’s mouth, tasting what already feels so familiar to him, Avery’s hand holds onto Derek so tightly he thinks it might leave his handprint on the skin of Derek’s waist, Derek isn’t sure he would mind it at all.

Being stuck between the door and Avery is the only thing keeping Derek up anymore, between Avery’s tongue winning over a poor fight for dominance, the sudden urge to get the shirt off of him and with Avery pulling away with Derek’s lower lip between his teeth for just a fracture of a second before kissing him deeply again, swallowing the needy sounds Derek doesn’t want to recognize as his own, it is hard for his legs to hold him upright anymore. The hand on his waist, skin on skin, is pushing him tightly against the solid surface behind him, whilst simultaneously driving Derek crazy because it’s not enough and it’s also too much.

Avery pulls away and Derek has to use all the remaining energy he has to stop himself from following after his lips. The hands stay on him, steady and safe, the one holding his face runs along his skin and traces his jawline, the act is so soft and loving it makes a lump in Derek’s throat grow more significant. He can feel his heart thrumming against his chest like it’s trying to escape, maybe his heart is going to break away from its prison behind Derek’s ribcage, and find a way to enter Avery’s, maybe that closeness would be enough.

It takes him a while before Derek manages to open his eyes, he focuses on Avery’s breathing, focuses on the constant hold the other has on him, when he opens his eyes he immediately meets Avery’s. Avery is looking at him with softness that cannot be put into words, it’s too much, Derek feels his eyes sting, he leans forward to hide his face against Avery’s chest. He can feel the heart of the man he loves beating as fast as his own.

Love.

Tears threaten to break through and he feels nauseous, not from feeling, but from feeling so much.

Avery brings his hands to wrap around Derek, to pull him closer to his chest and the final wall breaks.

The fabric of Avery’s shirt soaks up the tears, Avery can feel the wetness against his skin but he lets Derek cry and Derek lets himself cry. He doesn’t remember when he last actually shed a tear, when he last let himself feel so utterly vulnerable, but here in Avery’s arms where he trusts that he is protected, he cries.

He cries about losing his sense of self, and about death.

He cries for the part of him that still doesn’t think he should be alive.

But most importantly, he cries about love. It feels wonderful to cry about it, to cry about feelings Derek has been burying deep ever since he gained all the knowledge in the universe, and lost it, now it feels like he can truly breathe again.

Avery waits until he is sure that Derek’s tears have run out, before reluctantly pulling away from the man, it doesn’t take long for the two to be laying down on the couch with their pyjamas on, Avery against the couch while leaning against some pillows propped up against the arm of it and Derek laying on top of him, head against Avery’s stomach. Avery in his boxers and one of Derek’s hoodies, and Derek in college pants and a t-shirt, he isn’t sure whose either of them are. Derek is tracing incoherent shapes into Avery’s thighs, who in his turn is playing with Derek’s hair.

It’s a calm moment, neither feel like they need to speak just yet, they can just let their feelings settle down. The time is slowly ticking forward but the day isn’t over, won’t be in a couple hours, the sun is already down and the outside is once again cold. They considered turning on Love Island, since new episodes of the newest season have come out, but right now the quiet feels good, letting the feelings float around them.

“That was nice,” Avery comments, and Derek chuckles, Avery beams when hearing the sound and continues with his bit, “I rate that kiss nine out of ten.” The smile can be easily heard from his voice.

The man laying on top of him pushes himself up, “Not bad for our first kiss then,” he scoots closer to Avery who loses all the confidence he surprised himself with earlier, and blushes. Derek continues his teasing with a smile, it’s his turn to be confident and he quite likes seeing Avery blush, “How do I get the perfect grade? I’ve always been a perfectionist” The noise Avery lets out can only be described as a squeak, Derek gives him a quick peck on the lips and stands up from the couch. Avery shivers as the wave of coldness that follows when his own personal heated blanket walks into the kitchen.

When Derek comes back, he’s holding Avery’s favorite candy and throws it at the man, who almost catches the bag, it falls down on his chest instead. Avery doesn’t spare a second before he already has the bag open and he’s chewing on three candies simultaneously, trying to feed one to Derek the moment he sits down as well. Derek does take the candy, but licks Avery’s fingers when grabbing the candy from them with his teeth, he swears it’s an accident but his smile is too clear to be anything but intent.

The bag of candy is snatched away from Avery, and not too long and the two are playfully wrestling on the couch, half falling to the floor, then falling onto the floor and Avery taking the chance to pretend he hit his head. Derek drops the candy to reach for Avery to check for any bumps around his head, but the taller man reaches for the candy instead and grabs it tightly.

“I win.” He states, simple as anything. He looks so happy when carefully choosing a candy from the bag, Derek can’t help but stare.

Avery seems to notice the look on Derek’s face, it’s not new but it is different, softer and more secure. It makes Avery feel like his heart might be glowing, even if he knows that it’s not possible, it’s the best description he has. Derek is looking at him like he’s something worth worshipping. A shiver runs along Avery’s spine and he swallows the chewed up candy in his mouth.

“You do,” Derek finally agrees, blinking slowly and looking away for a second or two.

The two cave in and watch an episode of Love Island, disagreeing on all of the choices that are made within it. Before they can start a second episode, Avery yawns, and the two decide on heading to bed before one or both of them end up sleeping on the couch. Even though they don’t mind it, the bed is just more comfortable.

Avery logs into his mind how Derek doesn’t avoid the mirror while brushing his teeth, at least he doesn’t attempt to avoid it.

The bed sheets are cold for the first minute, at least for Avery, so he curls up against Derek as tightly as he can, hiding his face in the crook of Derek’s neck. He isn’t sleeping, just listening, he can feel Derek’s pulse weakly where his nose is pressing against the soft skin.

There’s a lot that Derek wants to whisper into the moment, but not enough lifetimes for him to get to it all, the static in his brain is so quiet, Avery’s breath against his skin is warm and full of life, full of time.

He needs to start from something, Derek can’t keep all of these words to himself, can’t take them to his grave anymore. Avery deserves more than that.

Derek shakes Avery, gently, to make sure he’s awake, Avery hums as an answer, “I’m glad this is the lifetime where we get to be here, together.” A whispered confession, it floats in the air between stopped breaths, Derek continues, “I don’t know what other timelines have in store for us, not anymore, but I do know that if this is the only universe where we are together, I want it to be forever.”

In the darkness, Avery lifts his head up to meet Derek’s eyes. It's dark, but their eyes are used to it by now, and each of them have memorised the other’s features well enough to make them out in the dark with ease.

“Are you proposing?” It’s a joke, filled with a smile and a breathless laugh, something is hidden in it that is not yet appropriate to unpack.

A laugh from Derek answers the one from Avery, “Not yet. I’m saying I want to stay with you forever, if you let me.”

Lips meet lips, like puzzle pieces meant for each other, maybe magnets.

A pause in the moment, pulling away from each other by less than an inch, a whispered “Please do.”

It’s like there has always been a string pulling them together, at least that’s how it feels in this small moment when the clock turns from Saturday to Sunday, promises made on Valentine’s day staying with them to the next day and hopefully until death claims them both.

Derek cradles Avery’s head in his hands like the man he’s holding is something more precious than the second chance at life he has gotten, maybe he is. He pulls him closer like kissing Avery is how he breathes, how his heart gets the energy to beat life into his veins. Avery’s lips part slightly against his, inhaling the air Derek breathes out, there’s a pause in time reserved just for them, until it breaks and Avery is pulling Derek closer to him by his hair and the back of his neck, almost desperately like he also needs it to live.

There are no tears, not this time, but there are emotions that can’t be spoken about in their kiss, at the top of their tongues lay confessions not yet ready to be spoken. When Derek lets Avery’s tongue pass his lips, he knows the other can taste it, can taste all of the secrets that have never left his mouth. Their heart beats feel like they’re beating in sync again, just as if they would know, they are meant to be together. He wants to pull Avery closer, wants to kiss his face, his neck, his shoulders.

Avery pulls away, not by a lot, he’s not sure his mind could take that right now, there’s a string of saliva connecting them to each other. His eyes switch fastly between both of Derek’s, trying to read every thought that is going in the head of his lover, every ounce of pure affection, there’s fear in Derek’s eyes as well, Avery leans down to press a gentle kiss on his forehead, not to wash away the fear, but to remind Derek that he isn’t alone with it. That he won’t be alone ever again.

He kisses the corner of Derek’s mouth, smiles when the other turns his head to capture Avery’s lips, he lets him, Derek’s eyes are closed again and so are Avery’s. Their lips move together in perfect sync, as if they learned the shape of each other in the last hours they spent imagining what it would be like to connect again. It is eventually Avery who pulls away, holding Derek down by his hair, the other lets out a small whine, quiet enough to be misunderstood as a breath, it scrambles Avery’s brain momentarily, stopping him in his tracks to admire how beautiful Derek looks in this moment; breathless, eyes closed and lips parted, hands fallen down on the pillow by his head where Avery is holding it.

The moment isn’t wasted, as Avery finds a chance in the stillness of the man below him, changing his own position, climbing to sit on top of Derek, legs on either side of his waist while he’s leaning down to kiss Derek deeper than before, slipping his tongue back into the other’s welcoming mouth almost immediately. Derek gains control back into his hands, using one of them to push strands of Avery’s hair behind his ear before pulling him closer from the back of his head, reveling in the shiver that he causes. The other hand finds its place on Avery’s thigh, thumb tracing the faded scars like it’s a habit he has grown used to.

Neither of the men are wearing clothes that would help, if they were to feel the need to hide, but it helps in a way, being aware that they are both affected in a similar way, while no rush to do anything about working towards release exists. This is just them, exploring the possibilities their future can hold in its shaky hands, enjoying being alive and holding onto each other, not wanting to let go.

Avery moans softly, almost breathlessly, when Derek bites his lip, licks it afterwards to soothe the pain, and licks into Avery’s mouth for a change, the other man lets him in with no complaints, just feeling like he could melt in this spot and stay here forever.

The calm, secure feeling wraps them completely in its hold, neither fighting, it never needs to be anyone else but them in this bed, in their apartment. Derek’s hands are cool against Avery’s heated skin, but they always are, it’s safe, the hand on his thigh travels upwards underneath the hoodie. Avery lets Derek slowly pull it off him, pleasant shivers running along his skin when his lover’s hands explore the flushed skin, tracing those same unclear shapes on it with the tips of his fingers, nails gently scraping over his spine. It all feels like a dream in the best ways, and Avery promises to whoever is listening, that if he wakes up from this he will kiss Derek for real, his thoughts get interrupted by the friction it creates when Derek is pulling him closer, he swallows down the whine that leaves Derek’s mouth, hungry for more.

It’s visible how Derek’s entire body shivers when Avery breaks the kiss, and pulls him up from the bed so that Avery is sitting on his lap instead, Derek’s hands never leave him; keeping him close. The man below him is looking up at Avery, lips parted for air. Avery’s curls are sticking to his forehead, his eyes are dazed and to Derek, he looks like a painting that came to life, if he could paint he would engrave this moment into history.

Avery runs his fingers through Derek’s hair, untangling the strands from each other gently, slowly going lower to the nape of his neck, to the part where skin meets fabric. Derek gives him a smile he knows Avery can read, when the other tugs the shirt up with the smallest movement, separating his own hands from Avery for a moment, letting the fabric be peeled away, leaving him vulnerable. It feels terrifying, in the best way ever, Derek is scared, but he can still breathe, still feels correct.

He might be scared, but he’s scared with Avery.

Fingers caress the freshly exposed skin, Avery softly mumbles the name of some bones he can feel just by running his fingers over them, exploring every inch he possibly can; every scar from different stages of life, memories he can’t wait to hear about when Derek wants to talk about them. He presses kisses alongside Derek’s shoulders, gently biting into the flesh, leaving marks that only he can see, only for them to know about.

Derek considers believing in the divine, when Avery presses their lips together again, he whispers an audible thank you to the universe, for allowing him to keep Avery in his life. He doesn’t know if Avery hears it, but if he does he doesn’t ask about it, just kisses Derek again.

He feels like he might be made out of clay, when Avery shifts them around with clumsy movements that almost end with them both on the floor again, laughs are shared while Derek finds his space between Avery’s legs, leaning over the man he is sure he loves in multiple lifetimes. He kisses Avery for all of the lives he doesn’t get to do it in, revels in the feeling of Avery’s warm hands mapping over his ribs, his waist, stopping at the waistline of the pants he’s wearing. Derek does his best to not whine while giving an agreeing answer to the other man. Avery moves them again, pushing the pants down Derek’s thighs, slowly mapping the sensitive skin on the side, before laying them down side by side, face to face.

Time is moving, it’s perfect, the clock on their nightstand blinks in red, numbers that neither of them look at, too entranced in mapping every little detail, recording every sound, every gasp, saving all of it into memory. Last of the fabric covering skin leaves, being thrown somewhere by the bed.

Avery’s hands are trembling from everything, overwhelming feelings threatening to spill over into words he wants to save up, Derek pulls his face close, lips brushing against each other while he whispers words to his partner, words no one else in the universe is allowed to hear.

Confessions, soft kisses, gentle feelings.

A deeper kiss muffles the sounds Derek lets out when Avery wraps his hand around him, Avery catalogs every reaction he gets, slowly stroking his lover and answering every kiss the other asks from him, not hurrying, letting Derek’s release build up slowly, whispering compliments into the small space between their faces whenever Derek needs to catch his breath.

A single tear falls down onto the pillow, a second follows after, Avery doesn’t comment on it and kisses them away as they come, listening to Derek’s whispers repeating ‘please’ and giving him everything he needs.

When Derek comes, spilling over Avery’s hand, everything in his mind is quiet, silent, calm, he’s grounded, he feels like he has a place here. Avery whispers words to him that sound like a confirmation, the kiss they share is tender.

Loving.

There’s a complaint from Derek when Avery pulls him up from the bed, but once they’re cramped in their small shower space, underneath warm water, the arguments leave Derek’s mind when he presses himself against Avery. Drinks up every moan he lets out by Derek’s ear, when he brings Avery his own release.

They fall asleep on the couch, Avery giggles about the irony of it to Derek, once they wake up more clear headed.

The rest of February passes by faster than either of them would want to, nothing in their life changes besides the fact that Derek doesn’t need to hide how much he spends his time admiring Avery, and that they can kiss now, this fact is heavily used by the both of them; kisses shared in the morning after they’ve brushed their teeth, a quick peck every once in a while just because, even making out in the elevator when it’s late enough.

“We need laundry detergent!” Avery yells, too focused on the game on his phone to look up at Derek who is still looking for the keys Avery swears are in the kitchen. Without success in finding them, Derek walks over to Avery and digs his keys up from his hoodie pocket, “I’ll buy some,” he smiles and leans his cheek against Avery’s head, looking at the screen.

The game Avery is playing is not the one he was before, “Are you… playing one of those ads that have games built in them?” Derek asks, and Avery frowns slightly when realizing it, clicking the small x at the top corner of his screen. “I completely forgot that wasn’t the game I was playing,” he states, and Derek laughs before leaving to the store. Avery spends a few more minutes with the game he actually was playing, before realizing that the game in the ad was a lot more interesting, he can’t remember the name of it anymore, doubts that the actual game would be the same.

Instead of wallowing in boredom, Avery pushes himself up from the couch with too much struggle for a simple act, and walks into the kitchen, trying to see if there is anything in the fridge.

He knows there isn’t, that’s why Derek is buying groceries.

But maybe something would’ve teleported in there?

Avery does find the keys in the fridge, alongside an energy drink, the keys were behind it. He decides to put the keys in the cabinet with their teas, to give Derek a chance to find them as well, and so that he doesn’t have to admit that he put a set of their keys in the fridge.

The can is cold in his hand, reminding Avery to close the fridge door, he looks at the calendar, easter is coming closer and closer, Avery hasn’t bought tickets yet, he knows he should call his parents about it, asking if they’re okay with picking him up from the airport in Wichita on the Friday evening of that weekend.

There’s also a red line drawn over a few days in the next week, from the eleventh of March to the thirteenth, with text ‘Derek in Oakland’ written on top of it in neat handwriting. Avery knows why Derek is going to check up on things, and also getting things, and they talked about how it might be healthy for them to see how they can manage life without the other to share space with. Doesn’t mean that Avery likes the thought, mostly because if something were to happen to Derek, medically or mentally, he won’t be there to help.

But Derek is going to meet with his doctor in Oakland, to do a few checkups and to get his information properly transferred, that way his insurance can actually cover what it’s supposed to again.

It does suck that Derek will be gone for the second half of Avery’s spring break, the only good thing is that Avery managed to grab longer shifts at work without feeling bad about it.

His phone vibrating in his pocket snaps Avery out of his thinking, it’s his mom facetiming him. Avery smiles and answers the call with an energetic greeting, his mom shows him some flowers she just put in the ground in their yard and talks about how warm it has been whenever the sun is out, Avery agrees on the weather and updates his mom about his studies and his spring break plans, promising to not only work during it.

It takes about fifteen minutes for his mom to get back inside to the house, where she pours herself a cup of coffee and sits down, propping the phone against the flowerpot on their dinner table, Avery can almost see the scene with his own eyes just based on memory. The tablecloth is new, or just one Avery hasn’t seen being used yet, Avery himself is back to sitting on the couch, switching the arm he’s holding the phone in when his muscles start to ache.

“Oh what about that new friend, Derek, was it? How is he?” His mom inquires, Avery smiles, “He’s doing good, why?” There’s a specific way his mom sips on her coffee that raises suspicion in Avery, not especially in a bad way, just, suspicious. “No reason, just wondering when I get to finally talk to him, I spoke to Amanda within the first month you became friends!”

Avery smiles and shakes his head, “That’s because she answered your call when I was in the bathroom,” “Well yes, but you know I like to know people important in your life.”

There’s a slight heat that rises to Avery’s face, which he distracts himself from by finally opening the energy drink. He hears the keys in the door and mutes his side of the call for a moment, he meets eyes with Derek who mouths ‘who’ while pointing at the phone. Avery smiles, “My mom, she wants to say hi.”

He unmutes the call and his mom refocuses back on the call, Avery swallows down the nervousness, his mom doesn’t even know that he and Derek are together, or that they live together. That part she might know, she’s smart and Avery isn’t the best when it comes to hiding the fact that he’s avoiding talking about something.

Derek sits by Avery on the couch, arms touching, “Mom, this is Derek.” It’s a very awkward way of introducing anyone, but Avery has technically never introduced anyone to his mom before, his friends usually do it themselves, “Hi Mrs. Thorne,” Derek smiles and waves slightly. “Oh drop the formalities, it’s Amalia to you, nice to finally meet you!”

“You too, I’ve been hearing a lot of good about you,” Derek answers, Avery doesn’t know if he should say something or just do what he is doing right now, sit and smile there awkwardly while his boyfriend and his mom are talking about what flowers she’s still planning to plant before summer comes.

There’s some questions his mom asks from Derek, like if he smokes, what he does for work or if he also studies, which ends up with Derek shifting in his seat uncomfortably while he explains how he dropped out, Avery can’t help but glance at Derek, but his mom is understanding and just happy to hear that Derek is doing something that makes him happy right now. “That’s what your twenties are for,” she smiles.

Derek prepares to stand up, “I do have to go and put some things away, but I’ll talk to you later I hope.” Avery’s mom nods and says her goodbyes to Derek, who then walks to the entrance and after that disappears to the kitchen with the bag of groceries.

“He is such a sweetheart,” his mom states, and Avery looks back at the screen and nods with agreement, they start talking about the new tv show she and Avery’s dad have gotten hooked on, she even mentions how Cleo watches some episodes with them every once in a while.

The footsteps inform Avery that Derek is coming back into the room, he makes space on the couch immediately without needing to think about it. Derek sits down on the floor, the top of his head visible to the call, “I’ll let you two talk in peace, don't worry, I’m just continuing this book.”

For a few minutes, Avery’s mom asks Derek questions about the book, until she lets him continue reading it, when she and Avery are locking eyes again, technically, she switches to Spanish. Avery blinks a few times until his brain catches onto it. Speaking the language feels weird on his tongue for the first words, but it hasn’t been that long at the end of the day, so after a few words it feels as familiar as always.

”My sun, you do know that I want to know what’s going on in your life right?” Her tone is softer, almost careful, Avery feels confused but nods, letting his mom continue, ”I’m not an idiot when it comes to people in love, especially when it’s my kids we’re talking about,” Avery’s eyes widen, he coughs slightly, and looks down at Derek who is deeply focused on the book he’s reading. Avery looks back at his mom who is still smiling.

He needs to ask, to be sure, even if he knows the answer, ”So… you’re not mad?” “That you’re in love with a man? He makes you happy doesn’t he?” Avery nods, once again switching the hand he’s holding the phone in, ”Then I’m happy, I am a little disappointed you didn’t tell me or your father before. You two are practically living together!” That makes sense, Avery knows he’s been avoiding telling his parents, but a part of him was scared. He apologises to his mom and she forgives him, they talk about their plans for Easter like a huge part of Avery’s life wasn’t just revealed, Avery quite likes the normalcy of it.

”Does Derek have any allergies we should know about? Or any food restrictions? Will he come to church with us?” She asks once all of their schedule plans are lined up, Avery stops for a moment, “Huh?”

His mom just smiles wider, ”He is coming with you right? Don’t tell me you weren’t going to bring him, I raised you better than that.”

The book closes and Derek sits up on the couch, taking the phone from Avery, who is still slightly dumbfounded, “I don’t have any allergies, nor food restrictions. And yeah I can come to church with you, I can’t promise that I’ll know what to do.” It takes a while for Avery to process that Derek just answered all of the questions his mom asked, in Spanish, a language he was not aware Derek understood. Not that he ever asked. His mom is clearly as surprised, but delighted.

Eventually she has to go, so the call ends and Derek hands Avery his phone back, Avery just stares at Derek, who smiles, “I self taught myself Spanish at fourteen.” He tells, as if it’s a casual thing to tell someone.

A new thing is written onto their shared calendar, ‘Meeting the parents’, simultaneously while they book flight tickets surrounding the weekend.

Then spring break starts, they visit the zoo, Avery’s phone starts complaining about low storage space thirty minutes into their visit, after he has taken about seventy pictures of flamingos, and he switches phones with Derek to continue taking pictures.

They also spend one evening looking at new beds, something slightly bigger than the one they have, but none that they like can actually fit into their apartment, not if they want space to live in as well.

And then they’re at the airport, Avery says goodbye to Derek at the security check, and makes him pinky promise to send a message the second he’s on safe land again. He’s wearing the same shirts Avery was when he hopped on the bus after New Years.

Derek lands at ten in the evening, and sends a message to confirm so, he gets to his apartment fast enough and crashes into bed almost immediately.

Thursday day goes by faster than Avery thought it would, he’s working for most of it, opening and working all the way until the evening because he’s covering a coworker’s shift, spending his breaks updating Derek on how his shift is going and smiling at the updates Derek keeps giving him. When he gets out of work, his feet are aching and his head is hurting, Avery barely remembers the walk home, the keys are turning in the lock and he steps into the empty apartment.

He eats some leftovers for late dinner, and doomscrolls on his phone in bed for hours, while wearing one of Derek’s hoodies, he can’t fall asleep no matter how exhausted his body feels, he even has the opening shift the day after and he still can’t make himself tired enough to sleep. Avery ends up dialing Derek’s number, hoping that he’s not asleep yet.

“Hi!” Avery exclaims when Derek answers, ”Hey, everything okay? Shouldn’t you be asleep by now?” Avery’s heart feels warmer, “I’m okay, can’t sleep though, what are you up to?”

There’s a pause on the other end of the line, Avery suspects that Derek can hear something in his tone that he’s trying to hide, ”I just got inside, about to take a shower, Carl says hi by the way. I met with him after my appointment and time flew by fast with a long game of chess, and with me getting interrogated.” He says the last comment with a groan, Avery laughs shortly, listens to Derek explain about the appointment, he yawns when Derek asks him if he’s actually okay.

“I never realized how small this apartment is, feels bigger with you in here somehow.” Avery states, Derek hums, it’s not an answer, but it’s an agreement, ”It is small, we should think about possibly getting a bigger place after summer… If you want to live together officially.” The last words are added hesitantly, like he might be afraid of rejection, however, Avery’s heart is beating fast again, “Will Carlos forgive me if I steal you away?” His heart glows when Derek laughs at his comment, ”He might just move as well,” Derek jokes.

They say their goodnights, and Avery dreams about orange curtains, a new red carpet and a living room separate from the bedroom. He even dreams about a cat with yellow eyes, the color doesn’t forcibly wake him up anymore.

Derek spends his last day packing, and hanging out at the cafe. Carl asks him a lot more questions about Avery, and like Derek predicted, threatens to move to Birmingham alongside Derek, eventually when they’re playing chess again, he tells Derek that there will always be a guest room for him to stay in. It feels like a goodbye, even though Derek will still have to come to pack things he wants to take with him to Alabama.

He moves his pawn, he can tell exactly what type of wood the piece is made out of, can tell where the tree grew.

Derek pushes the thoughts back into the static and focuses on the game instead.

On the other side of the country, Avery’s opening shift goes slow, mostly because Avery keeps checking the clock every two to three minutes, waiting for the moment he can bounce out of the door and head to the airport to pick up his boyfriend. His coworker offers to take his tables when he only has fifteen minutes left, and Avery thanks them multiple times while changing out of his uniform. He almost bumps into his manager on her smokebreak when leaving.

Derek pulls Avery into a soft kiss when Avery finally releases him from the hug he pulled Derek in immediately.

Even though they said that they’d look at bigger apartments after summer, Avery can’t wait that long, so the first weekend that Derek is back, they spend watching Love Island and looking at different photos. By Derek’s wish, they make a list of things they don’t want to budge from and things that would be a plus, Avery also adds ‘No pets allowed’ as a thing that would be a dealbreaker, Derek smiles at the, extremely subtle, hint that his partner gives.

Their list, after all of the editing, calm arguments and conversations, has things like location a walking distance away from Avery’s school, a walking distance away or a good public transport line to a grocery store, and pets allowed as things they won’t budge away from. Things that would be a plus are a bathtub and a balcony, both would be even better, just having one would be awesome.

Apartment searching gets interrupted by a few innocent kisses, that escalate into a make out session, one that almost makes Derek ask for Avery to fuck him, but he keeps quiet for now.

On Wednesday, a week before April, Avery comes across an apartment that’s for rent just a block away from where they live right now, it doesn’t have a bathtub, but the apartment complex has a pool, and everything else they’re looking for would come in a neat package, and the rent is within their budget too. Derek starts sending emails asking if they could reserve the apartment and move in in late July, there’s no immediate answer, but they don’t lose hope, the universe has been kind to them, maybe it can be again.

They get an answer on Friday, their pitch on why they should be the perfect tenants gets them the apartment, they just have to agree to move in in the middle of July.

There’s a new list, things to do before moving. Avery suggests that they spend June in Oakland at Derek’s apartment, he’d get to swim in the ocean and they could figure out what they pack and what they don’t keep together. Derek agrees on the plan and starts figuring out who to inform that he wants to terminate his lease.

Avery, not so subtly again, sends Derek a link to the website of an animal shelter.

Sunday before the week of Easter, Avery wakes up with Derek on the couch staring into nothingness, it spikes worry in him, because this hasn’t happened in a while again, Avery sits down next to his lover and offers a listening ear.

“I saw a… dream,” Derek whispers, his voice is shaky and he hates it, the static in his mind is loud and he feels nauseous, “People are going to try and look for Him, for the King.” He looks at Avery who is trying to read over the expression on Derek’s face, Derek is sure he looks defeated. So far he’s been able to escape the truth, but no longer, his decisions are back to haunting him, they never left, he just learned to live alongside them.

Avery reaches for his hand, and Derek shivers at the warm contrast, he isn't even aware how fast his heart is beating until Avery presses his fingers against the pulse point in his wrist, it reminds them both that Derek is still alive, helps them both feel like this is correct.

“We could post the video,” Avery whispers, slowly tracing his fingers up and down over Derek’s palm, Derek’s mind fills him on the things he doesn’t know, fills his mind with knowledge about the video that has been dusting within Avery’s laptop, hidden between the folders full of everything that he needs and doesn’t need.

He finds himself nodding.

They could post the video.

Should; the static informs him, bad things would follow if they didn’t, Derek can’t push the information back, he’s too tired for that. Pain follows.

Is that where their part in this ends?

“Let’s post it, what better time than before Easter?” His voice is strained, he wants to cry, but not actually, he just wants to hope.

The hold Avery has on his hand tightens, “Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” He whispers, it’s a prayer, a part of one maybe, Derek is sure of that, but he can’t remember where it’s from. Avery seems to sense his confusion, “Something my dad used to tell me, I don’t remember the full prayer, but this part stuck to me, I like it.” Derek nods slowly, biting the insides of his lips, his brain is quieter but the dull ache is stuck, will be for a while.

Stillness envelops them, neither man is looking at the other. Derek is looking at their hands that are still holding onto each other, Avery’s thumb slowly stroking the skin it lays on, Avery is looking at the wall, where the streetlights are casting their reflections to it, brightening up the dark space.

Derek avoids looking at the time, it would make this all terrifyingly real, would break the pause in life they have created for themselves.

A pause that defines everything their lives will go towards.

“Do we tell people you survived?” Derek looks up at Avery the second he hears the waver in his partner’s voice, brings his free hand to Avery’s cheek to wipe away the few tears.

He thinks about it, really thinks about it, Derek’s entire life has been dictated by the choices of other people, the one thing he did for himself, learning, discovering, all of that was taken away by the King.

With Avery he has slowly found the joy in all of it again, finding life in understanding.

Derek kisses Avery deeply, just lets himself kiss the man he loves, when he breaks the kiss, he doesn’t pull away far, just leans Avery’s forehead against his own.

“No, let them wonder. Let them feel. Maybe someone will find the truth one day and that’s okay, as long as they enjoy the journey.”

An hour is spent, going over the footage Avery recorded that night, Derek holds him tightly when his lungs struggle to take in breaths. Avery isn’t the only one who finds it hard to think back to that night, to those corridors, to that path that was laid in front of them for who knows how long.

But they won.

And they will celebrate that win by living life just for themselves, not for anyone out in the universe, not for the King, just for them.

Maybe it won’t be an entirely new book, Derek is still recovering, Avery hasn’t dealt with his feelings as well as he should, but they can start a new chapter.

When the clock hits twentyeight minutes past midnight, on the thirtieth day of March, Avery’s hands no longer shake when he types in the description to his video. It isn’t a lie, he is sorry, a part of Derek died that night, or got lost in a void, some of it is coming back slowly, but not all of it will.

He lets Derek click the mouse, starting the upload of the video.

It feels like a funeral, maybe it is.

They rewatch their favorite episode of Love Island on the small screen of Derek’s phone, until they’re sure the video has been uploaded.