Chapter Text
Kevin was not homophobic.
Not even when he was still part of the church. He may have been a little misguided, sure, but he’d never been overtly homophobic. He figured that what other people did with their love lives wasn’t really his problem.
The Church preached that being gay was a sin—well, no, they preached that acting on gay thoughts was a sin—but Kevin always thought that was just kinda stupid. If Heavenly Father was supposed to love all his creations, why would he allow some of them to have gay thoughts and then punish them for acting on them?
On the outside he’d tried to be the perfect Mormon, always following the rules and reading scripture. Even if he sometimes thought half of the things he read didn’t make any sense at all, he still followed it. Because that’s what God wanted. And he was good at doing what God wanted.
Ever since he was thirteen, and his best friend told him that he was struggling with same sex attraction, he started to become even less adamant about preaching that particular rule. It wasn’t fair that his best friend, one of the kindest, most caring people he’d ever met, and probably the second best Mormon kid in their little town—after Kevin, of course—would be sent to hell just for loving another man.
So, no, Kevin would never have considered himself homophobic.
But how else could he explain the way he was feeling right now?
He’d heard Connor come home about an hour ago, which was a bit later than he usually did. In fact, Kevin probably would’ve already been asleep by then had he not been up late trying to finish an assignment for class.
Connor’s footsteps had been a little uneven when he walked in which meant that he was probably inebriated, and the second voice with him indicated that he wasn’t alone.
Kevin had tried not to listen, he really did. But he was nosy by nature. The voice didn’t sound familiar so it definitely wasn’t Chris or James, who he usually hung out with.
Eventually the voices had stopped, and then all Kevin could hear were the unmistakable sounds of lips smacking together, alongside the occasional breathy moan that echoed across their living room and through the thin walls of their shoebox apartment.
He knew that Connor was getting more comfortable in his sexuality. Theatre school seemed to be unravelling all his years of repression thread by thread.
But Connor had never brought someone home before. At least not in this context.
Kevin didn’t know how to feel about it. He thought maybe he should be happy for Connor, but he just felt… weird.
They were quiet, thankfully. Nonetheless, Kevin found he couldn’t focus on finishing the assignment he was working on no matter what he did. Just knowing what was likely happening in the other room was enough to have him thinking he didn’t understand English anymore for how many times he had to reread a single sentence.
He went to bed that night feeling terrible about himself. He should not be feeling so weirded out over Connor having sex with a guy. What was wrong with him?
The next morning didn’t make him feel any better. He heard the front door open and shut around six in the morning, and then again around seven, and by the time he meandered out of his room at half past seven, there was a pot of coffee waiting for him on the stove with his favorite mug and half a spoon of sugar tossed inside it.
Connor didn’t even drink the stuff, but every morning, without fail, there would be a pot of it waiting for Kevin when he woke up.
Kevin was a horrible friend.
Maybe it had just been the shock of it. Kevin wasn’t a fan of change, and Connor bringing someone home was a huge change, and probably meant that it would be happening again.
The idea left a sour taste in his mouth.
It was just too much, too fast was all. He would adjust.
Kevin did not adjust.
Connor texted him earlier that day letting him know that he was going to have someone over, which he did appreciate because last time there was no warning. But to be fair, Connor probably thought Kevin had been asleep already.
Despite the warning, Kevin still felt his stomach drop when the door opened around seven and Connor walked into the apartment with a stranger at his heels.
In hindsight, Kevin probably should have made himself scarce, but some sick twisted piece of him needed to know what this man looked like. He needed to make sure that at the very least, if Connor was going to start seeing someone that that person was worthy of him.
The man seemed to be an inch or two taller than Kevin. His wavy brown hair looked like it had fallen into place by accident, and his green eyes were the kind that might turn gold in the right light. There was nothing exaggerated about his features—no sharp angles or dramatic edges—just a kind of quiet symmetry that made it difficult to find fault with him, as much as Kevin craved to.
Connor shuffled uncomfortably, giving Kevin a sheepish smile before leading the man to his bedroom and closing the door without a word.
He felt weird just sitting in the living room after that, so he went to sit in his room instead. But then all he could think about was what was happening on the other side of their shared wall, so instead he decided to take a book he was meant to be reading for his literature class and climb out onto the fire escape.
This month’s assignment was the Great Gatsby, which he admittedly was enjoying quite a bit, especially since he actually lived in the place it was set, which felt kinda cool. If he wanted to, he could walk a couple blocks and look across a similar bay and imagine himself a green light to reach for.
The fire escape wasn’t a balcony by any means. It had very little space, and the only view he had was of the brownstone building just across the tiny alleyway. But it was his space. He remembered when they first moved into this place together, and he’d discovered that he could just come out here, any time he wanted.
It felt easier to breathe—even if the air was far from fresh, and the streets were far from quiet.
He spent about an hour like that, reading his book with only the light from his room to illuminate the pages.
At some point in the night, a shadow passed the window behind him, and two seconds later his best friend crawled onto the fire escape with him.
“Hey,” Connor greeted, crouching down to sit beside him until their shoulders were almost touching. Kevin looked up from his book, folding a receipt into the crease of it before setting it down beside him.
Connor’s ginger hair was damp and curling just slightly where it stuck to his forehead. His skin was flushed, though from the shower he clearly had or from the activity prior Kevin couldn’t tell. He didn’t particularly want to think about it.
“Hey,” he greeted dimly, leaning his head back against the brownstone.
“Is everything okay?”
Kevin raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. Why?”
“You usually only hide out here when something’s wrong.”
Kevin shook his head, pulling his knees up to his chest. “Nothing’s wrong. I just… wanted to give you guys some privacy I guess.”
Connor flushed a bright shade of red. “Oh, gosh. Were we loud? I’m really sorry—”
“No,” he cut in. “No. No, you weren’t. Uhm— I just wanted— I’m sorry. I’m making it weird.”
Connor shifted restlessly next to him. “You don’t mind, right?”
“Not at all,” Kevin replied, feeling his stomach turn upside down.
“Okay,” Connor breathed. “Okay, good.”
Connor took a moment to settle more firmly against the wall, keeping his eyes anywhere but Kevin.
He definitely made it weird.
Honestly, if he hadn’t known what had transpired in the last hour, he wouldn’t have even been able to tell. There were no marks on his neck or collarbones, which he supposed were the typical signs. But he knew that something had happened. That Connor had just been beneath someone—or above someone—kissing and being kissed. Doing… other things that Kevin firmly shoved into a box labeled do not touch.
“So, what’s his name?” he asked. “Are you… together?”
“Oh gosh, no. No, it's just a bit of fun. I met him at the bar. Nothing serious.”
“Oh, okay,” Kevin nodded. “Cool.”
Kevin never did understand the whole one-night-stand thing. He’d never really felt the need. If he wanted to… get off, he could do that himself. Why involve someone else? Especially some random person who he’d never see again. The whole concept was foreign to him, but maybe that was just his sexually repressed Mormon roots showing.
After that, it became sort of a regular thing. Not every day. Not even every week. But a few times a month, Connor would text Kevin letting him know he was bringing someone home. Which would inevitably lead to Kevin climbing out onto the fire escape and reading whatever book he had to read for class.
Then he would sit there and pretend that nothing abnormal was happening within their tiny little apartment.
And on the nights when that didn’t happen, which were frankly the majority, they still did their weekly movie nights and their study sessions.
They would sit in their living room on their beaten-up couch they’d shoved into the too small space with a pizza they cooked from frozen and everything felt normal.
Connor would still make his coffee with a half a spoon of sugar every morning. However, Kevin couldn’t help but notice that on the mornings after his nights of recreation, it tasted decidedly bitter.
Kevin was thirteen years old when he found out his best friend was gay.
They were staying at Connor’s house for a sleepover, with Kevin set up on a tiny air mattress on the floor next to Connor’s bed.
Admittedly, they always spent more time talking than sleeping during their weekly sleepovers, often staying up well past their bedtime and thoroughly regretting it the next morning. They loved to make up constellations and stories from the plastic stars on Connor’s ceiling, or go back and forth about what their dream paradise planet would look like.
Kevin’s paradise planet was going to be called Planet Orlando and it was going to be just like his favorite place in the whole world—complete with its own Disneyworld park and SeaWorld and mini-golf. Everything would be perfect and wonderful and the beaches would be sunny and the water would be warm. And as long as he did everything that God asked of him, he would get everything he dreamed about.
That night Connor had shown him a tap routine he was learning. He was apparently the only boy in the class, but he loved it anyway. He told Kevin all about how cool it was that he was learning tap combos just like the dancers on Broadway. Kevin had then asked what Broadway was, which led to an entire discussion on the history of Broadway and every show that was currently playing. It was honestly quite impressive, and secretly he hoped that Connor would make it to Broadway one day.
They ended up going to sleep pretty late, and by the time he woke up again he realized the analog clock on Connor’s nightstand had only ticked by two hours.
It hadn’t taken long to figure out what had woken him. Soft whimpers were coming from the boy in the bed next to him, who was sitting up now, shaking violently with tears streaming down his face.
Kevin was terrible at dealing with people crying. He’d probably only seen Connor cry once or twice since they became friends, and it was never something like this.
He racked his brain for what his parents would do for him whenever he had a nightmare, and before he could second-guess himself, he was climbing into Connor’s bed and pulling him into his arms. The action seemed to make Connor sob more violently, his head turning into Kevin’s sleep shirt and quickly wetting it with tears.
It was admittedly a little gross but Kevin tried his best not to react. He instead just clambered under the covers, pulling Connor down with him as he smoothed his fingers through his hair. It was something his mother used to do for him when he’d have a nightmare. Eventually, Connor’s cries turned into weak sniffles against Kevin’s chest.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Connor shook his head into Kevin’s shoulder.
“Are you sure? My mom said it helps.”
Connor didn’t answer for a while. He was still shaking, his chest heaving in short aborted breaths. After what felt like a century, Kevin heard Connor sniffle and relax more firmly into Kevin’s side.
“I think Heavenly Father is mad at me,” he mumbled.
“Why would you think that?”
“Because I—”
He choked on another cry and then tried again, voice quiet and trembling. “Because I think about boys the way I’m supposed to think about girls.”
Kevin froze, his hand stilling in Connor’s hair.
His first instinct was to pull away, but then he remembered that this was Connor. Connor was his best friend and God would want Kevin to listen to him. To help him.
“It’s—” Connor choked. “It’s sinful and wrong and Heavenly Father is punishing me for it.”
“Well… it’s only a sin if you act on it, right?”
Connor shrugged against him.
“I guess,” he croaked.
Kevin resumed carding his fingers through Connor’s hair, hoping that the soothing action was more reassuring than he felt.
It was a Friday night and Kevin had just been ready to turn in for the night—exhausted from his long week of classes and work—when his best friend called him into the bathroom.
Connor was wearing a deep magenta shirt with the first few buttons popped open. The material of it was less fabric and more like the suggestion of fabric, as he could see straight through to the cropped pink tank top underneath. The blank pants he wore fit him extremely well, but not in the same way his missionary slacks did.
And he was wearing makeup—or rather, he was putting on makeup, leaning over their bathroom sink and smudging some kind of black pencil along his lashline. It made his eyes look even bluer.
Connor took a moment to assess the look, turning his head and body this way and that. “Is it too much?”
“I like it,” Kevin decided.
Connor spun around to face Kevin, tugging a bit at the shirt to make it sit better on his shoulders. “Does it give the vibe of single but not desperate?”
Kevin frowned. “I’m not really sure what that means.”
“Honestly, me neither,” Connor sighed. “I’m really bad at this. I just don’t wanna attract the wrong guys, you know? Last time I got a bunch of sleazy old men trying to hit on me. I think maybe I looked too innocent.”
Kevin was inclined to agree. Although Connor was much more fashionable than he was, he did tend to give off that innocent vibe that a bunch of creeps were bound to pray on.
Right now, Connor couldn’t be further from the image he’d created for himself back in Utah. Honestly, he’d always thought that his best friend was objectively good looking in most things he wore.
He always kind of liked the innocent nerdy version of Connor. But he also couldn’t deny that this look suited him particularly well.
“You look good,” Kevin said eventually. “Any guy you take home will be lucky.”
Connor scoffed lightly. “Careful, Price. You’re starting to sound like you want me to take you home tonight.”
“Well, that’d be silly. I already live here,” he smiled, then threw in a playful wink for good measure before sneaking away back to his room.
Kevin was having a great day. He woke up before his alarm feeling surprisingly well-rested, his coffee was the perfect ratio of bitter to sweet, the sun was out and there was a cool breeze that prevented it from becoming muggy and gross, the train wasn’t running late like it always seemed to be, the air conditioning in the car was working, and there was an open seat at the end of a row that even had an open seat next to it so he wouldn’t have to squish himself next to strangers.
That morning he got his midterm exam grades back and received As on all but one of them, which he got a B-minus, but really he had expected that one to be much worse.
Then, the class he had been dreading most that day was cancelled because the professor’s wife decided to go into labor right as he was about to start what Kevin was sure to be the most monotone lecture he’d ever heard in his life.
Now that Kevin was going home early, he would get to see Connor who would surely be back from his morning class already and then maybe they could study for a little bit together before Connor had to go to work. He even allowed himself to momentarily forget that he was supposed to be saving money and made a stop to pick up take-out from their favorite sub shop down the block.
So when he stepped into their apartment to find Connor with his tongue half-way down some guy’s throat on their couch, he felt as if someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water over his head.
The front door slammed closed behind him. Kevin was too shocked to remember that he was supposed to hold it as it closed so that it wouldn’t do that. The sound made Connor jolt, flinging himself off the guy before careening clumsily into their coffee table.
“Kevin,” he greeted, out of breath. “Hey. I uh— I thought you had class.”
“It was cancelled,” he answered dully.
The guy on the couch sat up and waved awkwardly at Kevin who was suddenly feeling like he might actually throw up.
He didn’t bother taking his shoes off, he just dropped the take out bag on the kitchen counter and all but ran to his room, slamming the door behind him. He had enough foresight to lock the door behind him before clambering out onto the fire escape, trying all the while to get more air to fit in his too small lungs.
What was wrong with him?
Why the heck was he so upset?
Connor was just kissing someone. They weren’t even really doing anything. Both of them still had all their clothes on.
But what if he had walked in on them later…..?
Don’t think about that, Price.
Just don’t think about it.
The first time Kevin saw Connor kissing another man, he was…. conflicted to say the least.
They were juniors in high school, and up until then Connor had been doing a really good job at the not-acting-on-his-gay-thoughts thing.
Kevin of course knew that God loved all of his creations, even the ones who had gay thoughts like his best friend, but it wasn’t as if he could be open about it in their little Mormon town in Utah.
No one knew about Connor’s gay thoughts except Kevin—and now, the guy he was kissing behind the bleachers.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise. He knew it was getting harder and harder for Connor to deal with the thoughts the older they got. He still had dreams of going to hell almost nightly, but Kevin always thought they were more likely a product of Connor’s own guilt rather than a sign from God.
He just hadn’t thought that Connor would kiss someone like Steve Blade.
Honestly, Kevin didn’t know what Connor saw in that man. He wasn’t even Mormon, and he was kind of an ass, at least towards Kevin.
They’d all gone through grade school together and Blade had never paid Kevin a single glance unless it was to throw an insult at him.
Unfortunately, Connor shared a dance class with Steve after school, and Kevin was supposed to be his ride home.
When Connor finally noticed that Kevin had pulled up behind them, Steve smiled at him and raised a hand in a small wave.
Connor shuffled his way to Kevin’s car, his cheeks flushed as he sat himself in the passenger seat. Steve, of course, strode up to the car like he was the main character, leaning against the open door before Connor could close it.
Kevin had half a mind to just start driving.
“You know, Con,” Steve said. The use of the nickname made Kevin’s blood boil. “I could always take you home. That way Kevin here doesn’t have to wait around after school.”
“Actually—”
“I’m fine waiting after school,” Kevin cut in over Connor. “Plus, Connor and I live in the same neighborhood so it’s just more convenient. So thanks, but no thanks.”
He glared at Steve, daring him to fight back.
“Thank you for the offer, Steve,” Connor said sweetly. “But Kevin’s right. We live really close by. Plus, I don’t really want my family getting suspicious about anything. They’ve known Kevin for ages.”
Steve’s smile was the fakest Kevin had ever seen.
“No worries. Offer’s always on the table,” he said, waving as he let the car door close. “I’ll see you around.”
When they talked about it later, Kevin couldn’t find it in himself to talk Connor out of kissing him. The way he talked about how it felt to not have to hide that part of himself made Kevin feel equal parts guilty and relieved.
If Steve made Connor happy then he’d allow it. Begrudgingly.
As far as Kevin could tell, their relationship remained pretty surface level. They would kiss and hold hands in secret and Connor would go over to Steve’s house on occasion—sometimes under the guise of staying at Kevin’s house.
In the end, it only took about six months before Connor’s parents started catching on. The more Connor hung out with Steve, the looser he became with holding onto the perfect straight Mormon shell he carved out for himself.
Someone was bound to notice.
After the McKinley’s figured out their son was experiencing same sex attraction, it wasn't long before the Price’s found out too.
There were no more weekly sleepovers after that.
The McKinley’s didn’t trust that Connor wouldn’t act on his same sex attraction with Kevin, and the Price’s didn’t trust that Connor wouldn’t turn Kevin gay by sleeping in the same room together—as if they hadn’t been doing that since they were ten years old. If Connor was able to infect Kevin with his gay thoughts, Kevin probably would have caught them already.
It didn’t stop them from hanging out as much as humanly possible though.
“My family wants me to start going to therapy,” he said one day, when they were sitting on the floor of Kevin’s room, the Game of Life set up between them. Connor’s car had a blue figure and a pink figure riding up front. It felt wrong.
“Therapy,” Kevin repeated carefully. “You mean…”
Kevin doesn’t even want to say it. He’d heard about places like that. The places that some parents sent their gay kids to turn them straight. He’d also heard that they never worked.
Connor nodded solemnly.
“No, Conner. That’s just… no.”
“Maybe it’s for the best,” he muttered. “My parents said that there are plenty of success stories. People who come back and are able to live a normal life with a wife and kids.”
Something about the way Connor withdrew into himself made Kevin want to scream and kick and throw something. Connor McKinley should never have to make himself smaller or turn himself into something he wasn’t. He was the brightest light in Kevin’s life.
“No, you know what? God shouldn’t give a flying frick about who you love. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Connor’s eyes widened just slightly. “I thought you would have agreed with them.”
“Why would you think that?”
“Because you’re literally the best, most perfect Mormon I’ve ever met. Being friends with me is already a detriment to your reputation.”
Kevin scoffed in disbelief.
Carefully, Kevin slid the board across the floor so he could scoot closer to where Connor was leaning against the side of Kevin’s bed. He had his arms linked firmly around his knees that sat pressed against his chest, his eyes downturned and teary.
“Can I tell you a secret?” Kevin whispered, leaning closer.
Connor nodded.
“I always thought some of the teachings in the book were a load of bullpoop.”
His friend shot up with a gasp.
“Kevin Price!” he scolded, a shocked smile weaving its way onto his face.
Kevin just shrugged, smiling. “It’s true. And if being your friend makes me not a perfect Mormon then who cares? I don’t need a planet that badly.”
“But you love Planet Orlando.”
“Yeah, I do,” Kevin admitted. “But it’s not really fun if you aren’t there with me.”
“You mean that?”
“Of course,” he replied earnestly. “And hey, we’re gonna be eighteen soon and then your parents can’t exactly force you into any sort of therapy. So maybe just… try to ‘turn off’ the gay thoughts?” Connor raised an eyebrow at him. “For now at least. And probably stop seeing Steve until your parents are off your back.
“Then we’ll go on our mission! We’re gonna be companions and go help the people of Florida. We’ll do something incredible together. And when we get back we can go somewhere else. Anywhere we want. You won’t have to worry about your parents anymore and you can have as many gay thoughts as you like. Okay?”
"But—"
"No 'buts'. Okay?"
“Okay,” Connor agreed finally. “You know, you act like a jerk sometimes but I see who you really are, Price. You’re just a big softie.”
Kevin rolled his eyes. “Only around you.”
“Awe,” Connor cooed, a wide grin creeping onto his face. “Aren’t I lucky?”
Kevin reached up and grabbed a pillow off the bed to throw at his stupid face. “Shut up, McKinley.”
They weren’t mission companions.
Kevin had spent years praying and praying that he and Connor would go on their mission together in Orlando. He had been so certain that if he just followed the rules and played the part like everyone told him to, that Heavenly Father would answer his prayers. The visions he’d seen every night of him and Connor together in Florida had solidified his hope.
Instead, he had been punished. He was sent to a rural village in northern Uganda with one of the worst, most obnoxious Mormons he had ever met.
Kevin was meant to do something incredible. He was meant to change lives.
How was he supposed to do that when the people whose lives he was meant to be changing spent their days cursing Heavenly Father’s name and shooting each other in the face? And more importantly, how was he supposed to do any of that without Connor by his side?
Meanwhile, the man who was supposed to be his companion was sent to Atlanta, which was at least closer to Florida than Kevin had gotten. He was assigned District Leader for his mission and had gotten partnered with one of the other Elders whose name he couldn’t quite recall.
They tried to keep in contact as much as they could, but they were only allowed to send e-mails to each other on P-day. And that could only really happen whenever Kevin could get his hands on a stable internet connection.
He tried to send postcards and letters, but that ended up being even more complicated to do from the middle of nowhere.
And on top of that, between the sparse e-mails and the holiday postcards, they couldn’t really talk about anything except their mission. He’d been told that any communication they sent out during their mission would be heavily monitored. So all the little conversations they did have felt too sterile.
The distance between them made Kevin ache on the best days, and feel like dying on the worst.
Since he and Connor met, they had never been so far apart for so long before. He was entirely unprepared for how awful it would be, especially since this scenario hadn’t even been a possibility in his mind before it happened.
Their conversations mostly consisted of questions about their weeks, recountings of every event that occurred during their missions, and a whole lot of complaining on Kevin’s part about the piss poor living conditions.
He explained in as few details as possible—in fear of getting into even further trouble—what Arnold had been accomplishing in the village. It was far from traditional, and the Church had no idea what they were actually doing. After the horrible play incident, they were nearly kicked out of the Church entirely, but Kevin had managed to convince them to let them stay so they could continue helping the people of Uganda.
After they got back, he was able to go into excruciating detail the entire story of how the Book of Arnold came to be. And Connor was finally able to tell him about how his companion also struggled with same sex attraction and that they had fooled around a bit on their mission. He assured Kevin that there were no feelings involved.
Suffice to say, he was more than a little bitter about it.
Probably because while Kevin was struggling his way through each day of his mission, Connor was having fun fraternizing with his companion and prancing around Atlanta proselytizing like it was the easiest thing in the world.
His own mission hadn’t actually been all bad, despite his endless complaining. While Kevin was in Uganda, he’d also made friends with Chris and James. They weren’t mission companions but they were nonetheless attached at the hip. He then later found out they were having their own little foray of fooling around. Kevin didn’t really mind that since it wasn’t his business.
It’s not like they were following the rules of the Church anymore. His time in Uganda really put everything into a different perspective, to say the least. All the teachings he knew backwards and forwards started to make less and less sense as the months went on. And the doubt that had been planted in his mind the moment God had decided to separate him and Connor for two whole years began to grow and fester. Now he wasn’t even sure what God meant to him anymore.
When they got back, it was like nothing and everything had changed. They were both completely different people, but somehow their friendship hadn’t changed in the slightest. It was like no time had passed at all, except for when he thought back to the two years they missed out on sharing adventures and memories together. But that just meant they had plenty of stories to tell, Connor would tell him.
In the end, Connor had decided that he was done turning it off, and Kevin had decided that he was done letting the Church control his life. So they left—the Church and Utah. They moved to New York City so that Connor could pursue theatre and they never looked back.
Funnily enough, Chris and James had also ended up moving there. They had become fast friends with Connor, who he guessed they had more in common with, being that they were all gay ex-mormons.
That had hurt a little bit, but at least he had Arnold, who moved to the city with Nabulungi about a year after they did.
Even if he missed his family, Kevin was incredibly happy to be living with Connor and all his friends in New York. He didn’t think he’d want it any other way.
Kevin was going to kill Arnold Cunningham. He was going to make it slow and torturous and painful and very public.
He just had to talk Kevin into going to the bar for his twenty-third birthday. Bars were probably Kevin’s least favorite places to be. They were loud and gross and full of drunk people.
Arnold knew this and despite Kevin’s protests, had somehow convinced him that it was a good idea.
Something about loosening up and enjoying their twenties.
Maybe we can finally dislodge that stick that’s up your butt, Arnold had said.
And so Kevin had agreed, thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad and it might actually be fun. He knew Connor would have fun at least, and that was usually infectious.
He’d kind of forgotten how many single people were at the bar. And with enough liquid courage running through their veins, they all managed to make their move on Kevin, who apparently was like a magnet to them.
He was starting to think maybe he shouldn’t have let Connor dress him up.
He had his hair slicked back like how he used to back in his missionary days. The sleeves of his dark blue button down were pushed up his forearms, and the black Doc-Martens Connor had gotten him for Christmas last year peaked out of the bottom of his dark-washed jeans.
Maybe if he had gone with his typical jeans and a t-shirt look he wouldn’t stand out so much.
None of the women who had approached him were particularly bad-looking, but he kind of just wanted to hang out with his friends for his birthday, not awkwardly flirt his way into a relationship that probably wouldn’t last longer than a few weeks with his track record.
He wondered if they would still ask him to dance if they knew he used to be Mormon.
Probably not.
Connor had wandered off to the tiny dance floor in front of the DJ stand that was probably just as sticky as it looked. The lights were flowing between shades of blue and pink and purple, casting the room in a dreamlike haze. Connor looked like a natural on the floor, even though he wasn’t truly dancing like Kevin knew he could. Even toned-down to suit the vibes of the room, he still moved like he was born to do nothing but captivate every eye in the building.
He was very confident that Connor would be making it to Broadway one day, and Kevin was going to be cheering him on from the front row when he made his debut.
“You’re staring,” Nabulungi said, leaning so close that he could smell her signature vanilla-scented perfume.
“Hm?”
She motioned vaguely towards the dance floor, where Connor was dancing with some guy who had bought him a drink earlier.
“I’m not staring,” he argued.
“He can take care of himself.”
“I know,” Kevin murmured, tipping the last of his drink back and wincing as it burned its way down his throat.
“You could ask him to dance with you. He would.”
“I don’t want to dance.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Thankfully, Arnold came back with their drinks just then and put that conversation to rest.
To be honest, Kevin was a little disappointed that his best friend had gone off to dance with some guy when it was his birthday. He wanted Connor to be over here with them.
He wondered pitifully if this was going to become the new norm for them, with Kevin being pushed to the sidelines while Connor messed around or, god forbid, fell in love with someone. He hated the feeling that came from that.
Kevin picked up his drink and swirled it around, his eyes flicking back up to look at Connor. His friend was having so much fun and here he was, wallowing in his own despair.
Maybe he should stop throwing himself a pity party and actually try to have fun. Maybe he did have a stick lodged up his behind.
With another swig of his drink, he decided that he would say “yes” to the next girl who asked him to dance. Arnold would surely be proud of him.
When a new group of girls entered the bar, it didn’t really take long for one of them to come over and flirt with him.
He could feel Nabulungi eyeing him strangely as he made a half-hearted attempt to flirt back but he didn’t really care for her judgement on his terrible flirting. The girl was pretty enough. She had long auburn hair and beautiful green eyes, and she looked like her face was meant to have freckles but her skin was clear and smooth.
Kevin bought her a drink which he immediately regretted because she somehow ordered the most expensive cocktail at the bar, but he tried his best not to wince too hard at the price.
They eventually made it to the dance floor that Connor was still occupying. As the hours ticked later into the evening, the bar became more and more crowded, with an increasing number of patrons stumbling their way onto the small dancing space.
Kevin was not much of a dancer, admittedly. But with the alcohol running through his veins he found he didn’t care as much how he looked to everyone else. The girl— Ashley, she said her name was—was having fun at least. It felt good to let loose a little bit, even if it was across from a stranger with expensive fruity alcohol running through her system.
He glanced back over at Naba and Arnold, who had been giving him weird looks all night, but they were now too busy sticking their tongues down each other’s throats in their back corner booth to pay him any mind.
Connor was still with the other guy, dancing and moving his hips incredibly sensually along the other guy’s body. It made his mouth go dry.
He was just so… confident. The nerdy Mormon kid he knew was nowhere to be found.
Connor met his eyes as the other guy started grinding on him and Kevin darted his eyes away so quickly he felt dizzy from it. He could feel his face start to heat up and his stomach start to turn into knots, tugging at his insides until he was queasy. He definitely drank too much.
“Are you alright?” Ashley asked, brows knitting together in genuine concern.
“Yeah,” he replied quickly. “Sorry. I’m just not feeling great.”
With an apologetic glance, he made a beeline for the bathroom. There were too many people in the room, and not enough oxygen in his lungs.
As the door swung closed, the volume of the world around him dimmed to a low hum. He checked the stalls to make sure he was alone and then bent over the sink to splash cold water on his face.
It helped, marginally. He could feel the heat under his skin start to dissipate and the cool water seemed to shock his lungs back into working order.
He couldn’t tell if it was the scratched up mirror and terrible lighting in this place, or if he really looked like that much of a mess.
Just then the door swung open and the world momentarily lit back on fire as the noise followed the person who entered.
“Hey, buddy,” greeted Arnold. “You alright?”
Kevin was honestly shocked that Arnold even noticed him missing with how preoccupied he was with Nabulungi.
“I’m fine,” he choked out.
Arnold didn’t look like he believed him. Figures.
“Can I touch you?”
Kevin shook his head. Then he thought about it again and nodded. “Yeah.”
Arnold wasted no time in wrapping his arms around Kevin. He felt his own lungs stutter a bit before taking in a full, deep breath that finally reached all the way to the bottom of his ribcage.
“You wanna talk about it?”
Kevin groaned, pulling away from Arnold’s grasp. “I’m just feeling weird. I think I had too much to drink.”
“Do you want me to talk to Connor?”
“What? Why would you do that?”
“Because he’s kind of being an ass,” Arnold said. “It’s your birthday. He should be spending time with you.”
Kevin shrugged. He hated that Arnold could see right through him.
“He’s having fun,” he argued half-heartedly.
Arnold gave him an assessing look. “I’ll talk to him.”
“No, Arnold. Please don't, it's fine.”
“It’s totally not fine,” Arnold sighed. “But okay. I won’t.”
His friend pulled him back in for a quick embrace, squeezing Kevin’s shoulders together until they ached. “Do you need another minute or are you good?”
Kevin thought about it for a minute. His brain felt significantly less fuzzy. Maybe after a glass of water he’d feel better.
“I’m good,” he decided.
When they exited the restroom, Ashley was nowhere to be found. She probably found a different bar or got lost in the sea of dancing drunk people. He had no doubt she would find someone else to buy her drinks.
They headed back to their booth and Kevin was surprised to see Connor sitting there with Nabulungi, looking like a kicked puppy.
He took his place next to Connor, who immediately reached for his hand and gave it a quick squeeze. A silent apology.
Kevin looked up at Arnold and Nabulungi with a glare. They definitely said something to Connor. Naba just shrugged, a not-so-innocent smile gracing her face.
“Hey, I think they’re starting karaoke soon,” Arnold interjected excitedly, effectively breaking the tension. “You and Connor should sing something together!”
“I don’t sing,” Kevin huffed.
“Oh, you so do. I hear you in the shower all the time,” Connor laughed, demeanor immediately shifting back to his playful self. “You’re actually really good.”
“I don’t sing publicly,” he amended.
“Kevin Price not wanting to be the center of attention?” Connor gasped dramatically. “Who are you and what have you done with my Kevin?”
My Kevin.
“Shut up.”
“Come on,” Connor begged. “Just one song with me. We can even do a Disney song! I’ll let you pick.”
Connor blinked up at him with the widest puppy dog eyes in the world, and Kevin must be drunk because he was feeling weirdly less inclined to argue.
“Fine,” he groaned.
That was how he ended up singing A Whole New World with Connor McKinley on a tiny stage in a crowded bar. Connor offered to take Jasmine’s part since he wanted to practice flipping between his falsetto and belt.
It was actually really fun.
He probably wouldn’t have done it without a few drinks in his system, but once he was up there it felt like it was just him and Connor in the room.
The song itself felt weirdly fitting for the two of them. Two Ex-Mormons from Utah moving to New York City and trying to find themselves without the constant embrace of the Church? It was a Whole New World indeed.
Connor’s voice was gorgeous, flipping elegantly between his registers as he navigated the harmonies of Jasmine’s part of their duet. He wasn’t as well-versed in music as Connor was, but he thought their voices blended pretty well together.
It was freeing and incredible, and he couldn’t help but laugh whenever Connor would get overdramatic with acting out his part. He even got some of the crowd to laugh as well. He really did capture the attention of every person in the room.
Eventually though, their magic bubble broke and they were kicked off the stage to allow another volunteer to take their place.
There was a wide variety of people who took up the mic, ranging from drunk girls with no concept of pitch, to equally drunk people he thought maybe should be on Broadway one day. Connor put his name in for a bunch of songs in the queue, which was unsurprising.
What was surprising was the amount of drinks that kept being placed in front of Connor every time he hopped off the stage. From various patrons who wanted to buy a drink for the cute guy who had good pipes.
Connor took each one gracefully, but that also meant that his best friend was becoming increasingly inebriated by the hour. Kevin wasn't sure how much he usually drank when he went out, but he thought six drinks was a little much for anyone with a normal tolerance, let alone someone who only started drinking a couple years ago after a lifetime of abstinence.
That six drinks quickly became seven, and it would’ve been eight had Kevin not taken it for himself, telling Connor that maybe he should switch to water and tell his admirers to knock it off.
Connor just laughed at that, falling into Kevin’s side, claiming he was the funniest person in the world and that he shouldn’t be such a worrywart. And then the word worrywart made him laugh even harder.
Somehow, despite being drunker than a sailor, Connor still managed to sound amazing on the mic. Sure, he was swaying in place on the stage, but he managed to keep up a good appearance for the most part.
With mic in hand, he locked eyes with Kevin across the room.
“This one’s for my best friend in the whole world,” he announced, words only a teeny bit slurred. “Happy Birthday, Kevin!”
Before Kevin had a chance to feel embarrassed at the attention, Connor was singing the opening verse to Take A Chance On Me a capella.
Kevin couldn’t help but grin thinking about how Mamma Mia was the first musical Connor had shown him when they were younger.
Things were simpler back then. They loved to sing the songs together—quite badly—while pretending to be the characters in the movie.
Connor was having the time of his life singing and dancing on stage, improvising some dramatic choreography until even that wasn’t enough for him and he came prowling off the stage, mic in hand as he danced his way around the room. No one stopped him but they probably wouldn’t have been able to even if they tried.
Connor owned the room, drifting between groups to sing directly at their booths until finally he got to Kevin’s booth.
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around
If you’ve got no place to go, when you’re feeling down
He hopped up on the table without a care in the world, turning it into his own little stage. Kevin quickly moved their drinks to sit on the back of the booth so there were no casualties.
If you’re all alone, when the pretty birds have flown
The redhead got down on his knees then, dramatically throwing his head back like a teenage girl in an 80s montage video. Arnold and Naba even joined in to do backing vocals quite loudly and terribly.
Honey I’m still free, take a chance on me
Connor looked directly into his eyes as he crawled across the table, grinning and sweaty and glorious, as he mussed up Kevin’s hair. Basically the entire club was singing along by now and clapping to the beat of the music. He couldn't take his eyes off of Connor.
His friend fumbled a little, nearly falling off the table, but Kevin caught him by his arms and helped him sit as he continued to sing as if nothing had happened. God, he was ridiculous.
Let me tell you now
My love is strong enough
To last when things are rough, it’s magic
Connor slid off the table to stand next to Kevin, slinging an arm around him and swaying. A pleasant warmth settled itself in Kevin's chest.
You say that I waste my time
But I can’t get you off my mind
No I can’t let go
‘Cause I love you so
The arm around his shoulder squeezed on the last line, a dramatic kiss plopped on top of his head. Kevin just laughed and shoved him away lightly.
Then he was prancing his way back to the stage as he sang the last choruses, prompting everyone to start singing and clapping along with him. He almost tripped going up the stage but managed to right himself.
Kevin felt drunk just looking at him.
When his turn was over, his friend stumbled his way back to their table and all but collapsed against Kevin as he sat down in the booth.
“Did you like it?” he slurred.
“You’re a very good singer,” Kevin replied sincerely.
Connor dissolved into a fit of giggles at that. “Reallyyyyyy?”
“You are quite literally professionally trained,” Kevin rolled his eyes. “You know you’re a good singer.”
“Yeah, but it’s different when you say it,” Connor pouted.
With how drunk Connor was, it was a miracle he didn’t end up puking on the walk home. Kevin had to sling his arm around Connor to help keep him from walking into the street.
They managed to make it home without incident but almost immediately upon entering their apartment, Connor made a beeline for the bathroom.
Kevin took a moment to grab a glass of water and a cold wash cloth before trailing behind Connor to their shared bathroom. He was sitting against the wall when he entered, seemingly done emptying his stomach of all its contents.
Kevin crouched down next to him and offered the glass of water as he pressed the cool wash cloth to Connor’s sweaty forehead.
“Feel better?”
Connor shook his head. “No,” he whined into the glass pressing against his lips.
“Yeah… you’re probably gonna feel even worse tomorrow,” he said solemnly. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Connor insisted that he at least brush his teeth so while he was in the bathroom, Kevin went to Connor’s room and grabbed some pajamas for him to change into. He knew Connor hated going to sleep without showering, but he didn’t seem lucid enough to stand in the shower without falling over, so a set of clean clothes would have to do for tonight.
He held out the pajamas to Connor when he shuffled in a moment later.
“Thank you,” he mumbled.
Kevin turned away while he changed, making Connor’s bed up from the current chaos of blankets and pillows.
He always thought Connor’s room was extremely cozy. He had fairy lights up on the ceiling and way too many pillows on his bed which had a down comforter over top of it.
With a fresh set of clothes on, Connor fell onto his bed, scooching himself under the comforter.
He bid Connor a goodnight but before he could make his leave, he felt a hand grab at his wrist.
“Stay,” Connor whined. “Please.”
Kevin hesitated, not wanting to cross any boundaries.
But Connor just looked so sad and pleading that in the end he couldn’t really say no. It wasn't like they hadn’t shared a bed before. It used to be the norm before their parents found out about Connor’s attractions.
“Okay,” he agreed, and slid under the covers with Connor.
Almost immediately he felt arms snake around his waist and a warm body pressed against his back.
He shuddered at the feeling. This was not something they typically did. This felt very… intimate. Intimate in a way they hadn’t been before. They’d cuddled together on the couch while watching a movie, but having Connor’s entire body pressed up against his backside was new. It made him feel very strange.
Unbidden, his brain decided in that moment that it was time to start thinking about all the men Connor had probably done this with. Goddammit. This was definitely very gay. Kevin knew Connor didn’t like him like that. But it was still… gay. And they weren’t supposed to be like that.
He couldn’t do this. Especially not in the same bed that Connor had all those men in.
Of all the times for his weird homophobic thoughts to rear their ugly head, it just had to be now. Kevin resigned himself to staying until Connor fell asleep. When he was sure the other boy wouldn’t wake up, he slid out from Connor’s arms and went to the kitchen to refill the glass of water and grab a bottle of painkillers from the cupboard.
He left the glass and the bottle on Connor’s bedside table and immediately hopped into a burning hot shower to scrub off all the icky feelings the night had left behind.