Archive of Our Own

August 23rd, 8:56pm 

The clock’s ticking rang across every wall of the studio. The fixed interval between each sharp “tick” worked as a reminder that with every motion of the clock’s hand, with every second pushing forward and setting in stone the existence of the last, the event that Cheng Xiaoshi had been dreading for the last few hours was soon to come.

A crown of long inky black hair carelessly sprawled like a halo around the head that had been thrown back into the couch’s soft cushions. The overwhelming and unfamiliar smell of the newly bought piece of furniture. Barely taken out of the box from Qiao Ling’s housewarming gift after his and Lu Guang’s extended stay at the hospital. Slowly but surely chipping away at Cheng Xiaoshi’s nerves.

A couple of nearly silent taps prompted the boy to look up to the ceiling. Dark and voluminous gray clouds had crowded on top of the sunroom’s glass ceiling when rain had started to fall. That soon turned into an unwanted interruption to the timely sounds from the clock and turning the tense fixed melody into a cacophony.

Lu Guang had left to get groceries at 7:08pm, the message notification that Cheng Xiaoshi had received as an explanation for his roommate’s absence signaled so. Now more than an hour had passed and he had nothing to do but anxiously rub and pick at the skin around his fingernails as he waited for Lu Guang to return home.

The image would normally be a funny one. His typically serious and slightly aloof roommate coming back home completely soaked and with an appearance matching the one of a disgruntled cat that had just been dumped into a bath tub. 

Thick white eyebrows furrowed together, tired eyes framed by dark everlasting eyebags glaring at everything and everyone like they were at fault for the weather and a scowl that worked as the cherry to the cake that was Lu Guang’s uncommon open display of emotion.

Cheng Xiaoshi would have snickered to himself at the mental image and then proceeded to playfully point and laugh at the real deal in any other day, hour, minute or second, but now he could just feel his expression contort into bitterness at the idea of having to confront a Lu Guang who was still oblivious to the turmoil brewing in his mind.

The worst part about how today was turning out is that up to that point Cheng Xiaoshi had been having a good day, a great one even. He had gotten out of bed and cooked breakfast for himself and Lu Guang as he waited for his roommate to wake up instead of dragging him out of bed the moment sun rays peeked through the window, allowing his companion to have a few extra minutes of sleep.

Their workload hadn’t been too bad either, just having to develop a couple of pictures in the dark room (the one space in their shared apartment which Lu Guang had always regarded with a strange amount of reluctance and distrust) and replacing a client’s broken camera lenses. 

Hell, Cheng Xiaoshi had already regarded this as one of the best days in his life after he managed to pull a character he really liked in one of those popular gacha games Lu Guang always criticized but still allowed him to indulge in. 

It would have ended perfectly if it wasn’t for Qiao Ling showing up with a strange expression on her face and a bag carrying his extremely sugary and expensive favorite flavour of milk tea. 

Growing up Cheng Xiaoshi had always been good at identifying his sister’s expressions. He knew how to differentiate between the “I found out you did the thing I explicitly told you not to do multiple times!”  and the “I’m panicking over something that is probably stupid to anyone that isn’t me, but I will still make it your problem Cheng Xiaoshi” faces. Be it a subtle twitch on her left eye indicating her anger or the red and bitten corner of her anxious lips that worked as a telltale sign of whatever mood she was in. 

But Cheng Xiaoshi could tell something was different this time. Qiao Ling’s expression was more similar to the one she wore at the hospital as she sat on the uncomfortable plastic chair when accompanying he and Lu Guang after their respective surgeries than the one she sports whenever their rent is overdue or a client approaches her with a difficult case.

And so, his sister’s arrival ended up being what brought the downfall of that wonderful day. Not that it was her fault, she was being considerate of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hatred of being left in the dark about situations by deciding to talk to him straight on instead of hiding the truth and assuming he would do something reckless, stupid or both.

Sure, she had apparently waited more than three months to talk to him which still mildly pissed him off. But her reasonings of wanting to wait for a day in which Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t tired or emotionally drained from a dive, and wanting to completely decipher the information she gained from Li Tianxi’s power transfer, something they didn’t even know was possible until recently, to make sure it wasn’t a product of the awkward jumble of memories that was dumped into her was a pretty solid one he couldn't really blame her for. 

He just has to somehow not think about it again until he has a proper talk with Lu Guang, he doesn’t want to confront that horrifying possibility of a reality until there is someone who can confirm or deny his worst fears.

Cheng Xiaoshi groaned in frustration, tugging at the strands of hair that had escaped the hold of his ponytail. Burying his face against the side of the cushion as he willed his tears to stay inside his tear ducts for at least a couple hours longer.

It is a surprise to no one that Cheng Xiaoshi is extremely emotional, he has known this for years and God knows that after some dives he crashes hard due to the mixture of his own emotional turmoil and their clients’. He either ends up dissociating so hard after having to go through multiple hours in a body that doesn’t belong to him that even the hottest setting in the shower feels like dry pellets hitting his skin through thick cloth or in some worse cases…

—

June 4th, 3:09pm

“Lu Guang… fuck everything hurts” Cheng Xiaoshi mewled, grabbing a fistfull of his partner’s jacket as he sobbed into his shoulder. He had been sitting there for God knows how long, letting his tears fall as he buried his face into his Lu Guang’s neck.

“Everything will be okay. You did your best and listened to me when I asked you too, there is nothing you could have done better” Lu Guang soothed, his voice warm and dripping of affection in a way that would have made Cheng Xiaoshi melt if he didn’t feel like his brain was being corroded by acid.

Soft hands massaged the back of his head, untangling the sticky and sweaty locks of black hair. “I know we can’t change the past and we can’t save everyone, but… with this power everything feels so.. unfair!” 

Lu Guang paused at that, the hands buried into his hair freezing for a moment. “What do you mean by that?” he asked, tilting Cheng Xiaoshi’s head upwards in order to look him directly in the eyes.

Cheng Xiaoshi knew Lu Guang was waiting for him to elaborate, but the ray of sunlight that burned straight into his retinas from the tiny gap between the curtains evaporated any train of thought before it could continue and plunged it straight into a canyon

“Sorry” Lu Guang soothed, kissing Cheng Xiaoshi’s forehead and then pulling him back into the junction between his neck and his shoulder. 

“It is just that, we have power over time… And I don’t get why” He bristled, one of his clenched fists releasing from their grip to Lu Guang’s shirt and instead latching into the side of his neck “I remember what you said in Bridon… I know that some people are simply born special… but why…”

Lu Guang remained silent, waiting for his partner to continue. When Cheng Xiaoshi snuck a glance at his roommate’s expression he could barely see the flicker of anxiousness buried in Lu Guang’s unreadable expression through the pounding in his head.

“People like Chen Bin’s wife… people who have lost everything… why don’t they get a chance to redo? Why do we?!” Nails dug into the side of his neck, creating crescent moon marks around his nape as Cheng Xiaoshi wept. “Why do I get the chance to change everything? Is it even worth it to have this power when I can’t use it to stop people from dying?! It is so… so horrible to have to live through other lives. Experience their pain, their emotions, little snapshots of their memories just to be forced to make the same mistakes they did… just to see all of it ruined again.

Ever since he discovered his powers in Bridon, ever since he accidentally possessed someone to run into the Language School’s fire, ever since he discovered he could tap in and out of the past at will he had questioned the reason. The reason why he of all people got this ability that so many others would kill to have.

Amidst the joy and excitement that comes from finding out that you are one of few gifted individuals there was doubt. The little voice in his head asking ‘why me?’ incessantly even as vowed to use his power to help others. 

‘Was this the universe’s way of apologizing for putting him through hell his entire childhood. For allowing his parents to simply abandon him? For allowing everyone in his life to leave him behind without a care? For allowing his peers to beat him down for something that was fully out of his control?’

“Why do I have to live through a life that isn’t my own just as a witness to the misery of others without doing anything about it?” Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t stop his mind from drifting back to all those dives they did in the past, those where salvation was at the tip of his fingers but just beyond his reach. All those times when he had to consciously stop himself from doing something that could fix someone’s life, something that could shift the timeline.

Lu Guang’s pale hands grasped onto his own, driving them away from his neck and gently holding them in front of him. His thumbs rubbing soothing circles on Cheng Xiaoshi’s knuckles “We are mere visitors of the past. We use our abilities to explore the past like paintings in a museum, and like any respectable institution, we are not allowed to touch”

“I get it… I do, especially after Emma” 

“Then if you understand it you need to remember this” Lu Guang’s voice turned stern, not in an authoritative way (something that more often than not caused Cheng Xiaoshi to disregard the advice given in that manner) but in a tone that made him sound like he held the secrets of the universe in his soul and he was choosing to truthfully share them with his partner “The emotions that cling onto you and haunt you after every dive aren’t yours. They are nothing but ghosts of the past, don’t let them drag you back to their time”

Those words stayed on his mind, but so did the ghosts.

—

August 23rd, 9:01pm

Sometimes he cursed his hyper—emotional tendencies for making things feel ten times larger than they actually are, but today is not one of those times. He knows that even flipping tables and shattering coffee mugs against the walls would be an underreaction to the information he had found out this evening.

Cheng Xiaoshi was about to grab his phone to text Lu Guang and ask him where the hell was he when an electronic voice rang across the other side of the room. 

“A guest has arrived” 

“Cheng Xiaoshi, I’m home” Lu Guang called from behind the curtain dividing their living room and working area, his voice carrying the expected lilt of annoyance and tiredness that came from being caught in the heavy rain while carrying heavy bags.

He took a breath to stabilize himself. Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t start the conversation by simply yelling at Lu Guang the moment he stepped into their apartment. More than anything he wanted to give his partner an attempt to explain himself even if his insides were threatening to spill out and wreck everything around him without even listening to a word from the other’s mouth.

Plastering the biggest practiced smile he could muster at the moment he stepped out from the curtain and grabbed onto two of the heavy looking plastic bags. He knew he couldn’t easily fool Lu Guang with all the years of living and working together, but there was a reason no one ever had discovered him impersonating another person during their dives “Hey Guangguang, how did the weather treat you?”

The plastic bags were completely soaked, and a few of the cardboard boxes nestled inside of them looked soggy and slightly damaged. Cheng Xiaoshi grimaced at the idea of rain induced soggy cereal.

Lu Guang raised a questioning eyebrow, staring at Cheng Xiaoshi “I neglected to check the forecast and ended up getting caught in the rain just after the bus dropped me off in the closest stop” he took off his long brown jacket and squeezed some water from the sleeves before hanging it up in a nearby chair.

“You sure you didn’t just jump into a pool?” Cheng Xiaoshi joked, grabbing the towel he had prepared and left on the counter ahead of time and throwing it into the unsuspecting Lu Guang’s head. The towel landed on top of his fluffed up crown of white hair, covering half of his face “You should invite me and Qiao Ling next time, she wouldn’t forget to bring a towel before throwing herself into the water”

Lu Guang huffed in annoyance as he removed the towel from his face and started using it to dry his dripping wet white hair “I prefer to be the one running errands when it is this late into the evening”

Right, that had been a not so recent development that Lu Guang had suddenly come up with on one random evening. It had been a busy day for their photo studio’s regular standards. Him and Lu Guang had been running around the store alternating between taking a look at broken camera equipment, wrapping up piles of photos, working on developing a stack of pictures in the dark room (of course that was exclusively Cheng Xiaoshi’s job as Lu Guang avoided that room like the plague and it always stressed him out enough to send constant check up messages while still peeking into the room every ten or so minutes) attending to their customers and reviewing the list of potential clients for their side business Qiao Ling had given to them earlier

—

July 29th, 8:00pm

Cheng Xiaoshi glanced at the phone sitting on the kitchen counter and then to the grocery list stuck to the fridge with a white cat magnet before throwing his arms up in exasperation. 8:00pm, all stores would close in an hour and they had somehow run out of eggs, milk, butter, cereal and bread all at the same time. There was no way he would be able to cook a passable breakfast with the stuff left in their pantry.

That would be bad enough, but Cheng Xiaoshi knew for a fact that Lu Guang would chew him out today for neglecting to buy groceries all week, and then once again tomorrow when breakfast wasn’t up to his impossibly high picky—eater standards.

He groaned once again, hands flying into his hair and pulling at his bangs. Maybe if he ran to the organic store that sat three streets away from the photo studio he would be able to buy enough stuff to last them for a few meals for a reasonable price. Chang Xiaoshi just really hoped that tomorrow’s “Bad food quality” scolding wouldn’t turn into a slightly less annoyed “You know that organic store is insanely expensive and we are broke” speech.

With no other choice, and preferring the lesser of the two evils, Cheng Xiaoshi made his way to the studio’s entrance. He theatrically dragged his feet across the wooden floor, despite there being no spectators for his dramatic display of laziness. Once he reached the coat hanger where he had left his beige—blue varsity jacket he carelessly pulled it from the hook before slipping it on and patting the two side pockets to look for his pair of earbuds and wallet.

When his hands didn’t run into the signature bumps inside the pockets Cheng Xiaoshi was prepared to turn their little apartment—shop upside down looking for his missing items. Mostly because he didn’t have enough money to replace them at the moment, and Lu Guang would kill him if he lost one of their two credit cards for their shared bank account. But before he could sprint out of the entrance hallway and back into the sunroom he bumped straight into his roommate.

“Were you looking for these?” Lu Guang asked, despite already knowing the obvious answer to the question.

Lu Guang threw the pair of white wired earbuds that were still tangled around Cheng Xiaoshi’s worn leather wallet “No, I absolutely knew where they were. I was just in a hurry to get them” he effortlessly caught them and shoved both objects into his pocket.

“Because Qiao Ling and I have always known you to be responsible and organized when it comes to your personal items” Lu Guang raised an eyebrow in slight smugness. He walked up to the doorway and slipped his shoes in, kneeling down to tie the shoe laces.

Cheng Xiaoshi followed his movements with a puzzled expression on his face, running one of his hands through his humidity—induced—fluffled up bangs. “You know I have never lost my phone, so I clearly do care about my things”

“That is because it is practically glued into your hand”

“Still counts! Don’t underestimate me Guangguang”

“I would never dream of doing that” Lu Guang’s expression shifted at that, it seemed solemn to a certain degree. Like he was reminiscing about something that was a heavy weight on his soul.

Chang Xiaoshi softly smiled at his partner. Despite his serious nature and tendency to hide his issues in order to not worry him, Lu Guang’s expressions could be earnestly sincere sometimes. Like his eyes betrayed the promise of silence his lips had sworn to his heart. 

Lu Guang stood up, grabbing the brown book bag carefully laid out at the foot of the coat hanger and slinging it over his shoulder.

“Give me the grocery list. I’ll go get everything we need” Lu Guang stretched his hand towards Cheng Xiaoshi, motioning for his partner to hand him the list.

“Huh? Why? It is my turn to get the groceries” Cheng Xiaoshi put his hands on his hips, using his height advantage to stare down at Lu Guang with an annoyed expression “Is this a trick so you can stick more chores to me tomorrow?”

“No, I just think it is safer for me to go. It is late after all” Lu Guang retracted his hand and crossed his arms, subtly blocking off the doorway from Cheng Xiaoshi’s view “Now, where is the list? Don’t tell me you forgot it in the kitchen, idiot”

Cheng Xiaoshi huffed at that “You know I’m a full grown adult, right? I can go on a grocery run for forty minutes and come back completely safe” he tried to squeeze his way towards the door despite Lu Guang’s presence “Besides I took a picture of the list on my phone. I don’t gotta carry a piece of paper around like an old man”

Lu Guang braced his hand against the frame of the hallway, effectively blocking off Cheng Xiaoshi with his arm. “Then send me the picture you took of the list”

“Why do you even want to go so badly?” Cheng Xiaoshi questioned, he was starting to get tired of this stupid argument, but he refused to simply let Lu Guang do whatever he wanted without a proper explanation. Because God knows his roommate does that pretty often. “Wouldn’t it be better if I go anyway? I know the best ingredients for the stuff we eat”

“I am not clueless. I have watched you cook often enough to see what specific brands you use, and the brand names are also written on the list” Lu Guang admonished, gently sliding Cheng Xiaoshi’s phone from his jacket pocket and unlocking it to send the picture to himself.

Cheng Xiaoshi balked at that. He shouldn’t really be surprised about the fact that his partner knows his phone password as he isn’t known for being careful about unlocking his phone in front of others, and he himself does know Lu Guang’s password for similar reasons.

“I wouldn’t trust you to pick a good vegetable in the store. Especially considering you almost served me charred eggs three days ago” Cheng Xiaoshi argued, but based on Lu Guang’s expression, it seemed to be futile.

Lu Guang sighed, using the hand that wasn’t braced against the wall to rub at the spot in between his eyes “I’ll go, just please… let me go” 

With his partner's expression twisted in a weird amount of concern and an emotion Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t quite place (despite his pride in his ability to read his aloof partner) he decided to let his partner have his way, despite his stubborn nature begging him to continue the short lived argument. Maybe it was something related to the incident in the tunnels that had happened a few months ago, Lu Guang had changed after that, and Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t lose anything by humoring his strange paranoia for tonight.

“Fine, but you better not dump into me an ungodly amount of chores because of this” he relented, stepping back and making his way back to the sunroom. Pretending to ignore Lu Guang’s sigh of relief as he turned away.

That ended up becoming a permanent pattern.

—

August 23rd, 9:04pm

Cheng Xiaoshi rolled his eyes “I know, I know, you don’t gotta repeat it again” he continued rummaging through the plastic bags and pulling some of the most damaged items in order to dry them.

After Lu Guang discarded the towel he walked over to the counter and started helping Cheng Xiaoshi empty the grocery bags. An awkward silence fell into the store making the space feel, for the first time since Lu Guang got stabbed, unfamiliar and cold.

The tension felt suffocating, Cheng Xiaoshi felt like he was going to choke on the heavy atmosphere and Lu Guang wasn’t looking much better. His partner looked incredibly tense and his grey eyes kept glancing back and forth around the place, like he was trying to survey every corner of their work place waiting for someone to jump at them.

Lu Guang put down the paper towel he was using to dry one of the milk cartons and turned to Cheng Xiaoshi “Is there something you want to talk about?” His voice was careful, seemingly expecting Cheng Xiaoshi to snap at him or become closed off and leave like what happened during the earthquake incident months ago.

“There is something we need to talk about” he sighed, one of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands tightened around his own paper towel causing the paper to crease “But can we wait until we are done with this? I don’t want to end up throwing a carton of eggs at you”

“You are mad about something” It wasn’t a question, not really, it was more like a careful statement meant to confirm what Lu Guang already probably knew or at least suspected. 

The anger and frustration must have been obvious on his face, Cheng Xiaoshi averted his gaze. “I am not fully angry yet. I’m willing to hear you out, at least for a bit. I want to try to understand before I form an opinion”

Maybe Cheng Xiaoshi’s acting skills had decayed over the two months spent at the hospital, or maybe Lu Guang learned to read him like a children’s book after all the time spent together.

Lu Guang narrowed his eyes. Knowing him he was probably trying to guess what was plaguing Cheng Xiaoshi’s mind by running through the events of the day, trying to pick out something that was out of place. That one little thing that could make the shaky foundation of the last few weeks together crumble. 

He felt those imposing grey eyes look him up and down. Gaze pausing at every little thing that seemed even slightly out of place; the bitten raw nails, the chewed on collar of his yellow hoodie, his bitten lips, the red and puffy corners of his eyes and his disheveled hair from impulsively pulling at his bangs.

Lu Guang then glanced at his wrist watch (the one that Cheng Xiaoshi was half convinced was glued to his skin) and braced that hand against the counter, using his index finger to rhythmically tap away at the surface. A shake exhale left his lips and Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t help but notice how tired his partner looked.

Throwing one last glance at him Lu Guang spoke “I’ll wait until we are done then” the tension on his shoulders seemingly increasing ten—fold.

At that Cheng Xiaoshi picked up an armful of the dried groceries laying on the counter and ran towards their kitchen. He harshly shoved his shoulder to the side and into the light switch, turning it on to start haphazardly shoving each item into its place. For now it hardly mattered that Lu Guang preferred to put eggs on the top shelf and milk on the lower one and refused to let the order change for some ungodly reason.

He ran a hand through his bangs once more, pushing the strands of hair out of his eyes as he allowed his back to hit the door of the pantry. Using the sturdy surface as support, Cheng Xiaoshi slid unto the floor to start the agonizing process of waiting for Lu Guang to wipe mud off the floor or whatever he was doing that was taking way more time than the strictly necessary for drying the rest of their groceries. 

Tucking his knees close to his chest he watched the hands of the clock tick forward, the sound that was his only companion for the many hours he spent waiting for Lu Guang once again coming back to accompany him when he needed a lifeline for the floor that felt shaky beneath his weight. 

Cheng Xiaoshi isn’t ashamed about admitting that he hates waiting. Because waiting isn’t a guarantee. Waiting requires blind faith, it requires you to sit still for a gamble that is completely out of your control. He doesn’t care about all the people who may call him impulsive and impatient, because only someone who has been stuck in this limbo of waiting their entire life is able to judge him on an equal playing field.

But there is a constant in his life and that is Lu Guang. With him Cheng Xiaoshi never had to guess if his words were empty and simply meant to provide meager reassurance, because he knew that Lu Guang always said what he truly meant, and even if he didn’t do it immediately, he would eventually. Good or bad the words coming out of that mouth were always trustworthy. All his promises were echoes from a future he would fight tooth and nail to provide, and there is nothing better in the world than being able to take someone’s words with the weight of a promise from the Heavens.

At least that was what Cheng Xiaoshi believed until the sturdy base of that belief crumbled under his feet, and now he was left struggling to find his footing in an ever shifting surface while grasping at straws to keep himself from shattering and falling down the same hole.

Cheng Xiaoshi meant them, he truly meant those words he had said to Lu Guang on one of their multiple outings to the basketball court near the studio “It’s a rare thing, having a friend like you. Someone you trust implicitly”. Above everything else, he is terrified of delving back into his own mind and realizing those words aren’t so true anymore.

“I’m almost done, I will store everything that might spoil in the refrigerator and leave everything else for later. I know you hate waiting” Lu Guang walked into the kitchen, several items tucked under his armpits as he stared down at Cheng Xiaoshi’s form.

Lu Guang opened the fridge, his arm accidentally brushing against two of the magnets stuck to the metal surface and knocking them to the ground. He dropped the groceries into the counter and bent down to pick up the pink bunny and brown down kitchen magnets that Qiao Ling had given them as a house warming gift all those years ago. Both objects stayed tucked in Lu Guang’s tightening fist as he started organizing the items on the counter. 

“What did the magnets do to offend you?” Cheng Xiaoshi stood up using the wall as support and approached the same counter Lu Guang was standing by. He leaned his back against the surface and rested his hand to the side, almost knocking over their kitchen knives holder.

“Nothing as egregious as what you did with the groceries you took” Lu Guang snapped back as he glared into the interior of the fridge.

Cheng Xiaoshi merely offered him a tight smile before staring back at the wall in front of him “Why don’t you simply stick them back to the fridge? I don’t think they will get knocked over again”

“I’d rather keep them safe until I’m done. I don’t wanna risk breaking them when they are a treasured gift”

“Well, with the grip you are keeping on them they’ll end up breaking anyways”

“You don’t know that”

He glanced at Lu Guang “I can almost see the cracks forming, dude” Cheng Xiaoshi twirled the left string of his hoodie around his finger. Lu Guang sighed and tucked the magnets into his pocket ignoring Cheng Xiaoshi’s advice.

“I don’t want to risk anything happening until I’m done” Lu Guang’s voice had a lilt to it that his roommate couldn’t quite place and Cheng Xiaoshi was half convinced they were talking about two completely different things.

“They are just magnets, you know? We can always buy new ones” 

Lu Guang finished whatever weird ritual he did to properly organize their fridge and slammed the door closed. “It wouldn’t be the same, they don’t have the same value”

Cheng Xiaoshi decided that if Lu Guang can act mysterious about the magnets, so can he. “You don’t always have to keep the things you care about under your watch, sometimes allowing them time to breathe and just trusting everything will be okay is enough” he replied avoiding eye contact with his partner. 

Maybe Lu Guang can uncover the hidden meaning of his words and take them into consideration, because God knows Lu Guang likes to dance around certain topics and refuse to give straight answers. 

He just hopes Lu Guang can learn that he doesn’t have to keep everything and everyone under his ever watchful eye in order for things to turn out fine. Cheng Xiaoshi loves his partner, he truly does, but he wants his friend watching his back when he needs it, not a hovering presence. He wants the partner he could trust with his life, not the one who thinks he can just handle everything and keep everyone else in the dark. It was already bad enough after the incident in the tunnels, but it got worse after the other incident a few weeks ago.

—

August 14th, 11:13am

Cheng Xiaoshi stood on one of the flimsy wooden chairs they kept in the corner of the studio. He had dragged it into the middle of the room to use as a makeshift stool in order to hang the new decorations Qiao Ling had given them for the studio, a colorful selection of flowers placed on the counter. 

His sister had unceremoniously shoved them into his hands today first thing in the morning before running out to hang out with Xu Shanshan. All of them were artificial, of course, because no one knew better than Qiao Ling that leaving Cheng Xiaoshi alone to care for a plant would always end in disaster and brown crunchy leaves coating every surface of the room. 

The chair creaked under his feet and Cheng Xiaoshi groaned in annoyance at the reminder that he still had to spend the next few hours of his life learning how to hang ceramic from the ceiling in a way that would hopefully avoid anyone dying via a blunt force blow to the head by a flowerpot falling at a high speed. Cheng Xiaoshi would really prefer to avoid the outcome where his family business gets forcibly closed by a lawsuit. 

With his feet placed on each side of the chair in a meaningless effort by someone who barely passed physics class to distribute his weight properly and somehow avoid falling on his ass. Cheng Xiaoshi leaned down, his legs shaking with the chair, in order to pick up the closest flowerpot. 

A beautiful arrangement of forget—me—nots were the first thing Qiao Ling had handed to him. While Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t too well versed on the language of flowers, the name was pretty self—explanatory. The idea of remembering the good of the past and continuing to still live in the present was a good one to keep in their business after all that happened in the last few months or years. And somehow that reminded him of what Lu Guang brought to his life.

Cheng Xiaoshi tucked the plastic flowers against his side as he pulled out his phone with his free hand. His unsteady fingers caused him to type the password wrong the first few times before being able to unlock the device and open his search engine to figure out how the hell to hang flowerpots from their worn metal beam.

The first few results were aesthetically pleasing but horribly confusing with the steps, there was absolutely no way Cheng Xiaoshi would be able to do that while simultaneously keeping his balance on a chair. He decided to scroll down a couple search results more, trying to find something that while ugly at least was simple and worked. Even if he would have to endure both Qiao Ling’s and Lu Guang’s complaints.

After a little bit he found something that looked easy enough. It was a simple loop that he would tighten around the flowerpot and while it would make it look a little bit tilted to the side it wouldn’t ruin the whole look or have a dangerously high chance of getting messed up and dropping on some unsuspecting client’s head. 

Placing the phone in between his legs in the chair, Cheng Xiaoshi carefully tied the knot to the best of his abilities before tying it to the support beam and tightening the giant loop around the flowers. He stepped down from the chair to admire his handy work, the piece of furniture giving a dangerous wobble with the weight being removed. It looked decent enough, hopefully he wouldn’t be getting any comments from a nosy landlady or perfectionist roommate. 

Cheng Xiaoshi then picked up two out of the three flowerpots still sitting on the counter, a couple of daisies neatly arranged together and three pink hyacinths (at least that’s what he thinks are called) that somehow reminded him of Qiao Ling. He stepped into the chair once again to repeat the process of tying the flowerpots and securing them to the ceiling.

Last but not least Cheng Xiaoshi picked up the one set of flowers he had set out to buy himself to add a personal touch to their new arrangement, a couple of amaryllis he picked up from the nice little inexpensive corner store. 

He wasn’t sure what caught his interest about those flowers over everything else in the store, he was actually originally planning to pick up some sunflowers that happened to remind him of Xia Fei. But the red alluring color of the plastic petals somehow caught his eye and the nice old lady running the store had cooed at him about how he must be an intelligent young man for “picking a flower with such a powerful meaning”.

It didn’t really matter, as long as he was done he would be able to lay down back down on the couch and play some games on his phone before Lu Guang came back home and nagged him for spending too much time online. 

With the flowers sitting by the side of the chair, Cheng Xiaoshi repeated the by now familiar process of tying the knot and wrapping it around the support beam. Now all that was left was to place the flowerpot in the big loop he created and secure it by tightening the rope. He smiled to himself at the prospect of having a nice looking studio and finally being done with the whole flower ordeal. He was about to bend down to pick up the flowers when their doorbell—sensor rang behind him. “A guest has arrived”

Cheng Xiaoshi was about to turn around to either greet his partner or politely tell a customer that they were closed, but he ended up almost losing his balance at the harsh sound of the door being thrust open.

“What the—”

“CHENG XIAOSHI” He was barely able to register the words before a weight painfully slammed into his back. He was knocked over from the chair, the wooden legs releasing the tell—tale sign of snapping, and fell onto the ground on his side.

Cheng Xiaoshi felt his vision go dark for a few seconds, but his head was cushioned by a lithe hand gripping into his scalp and taking the brunt of the hit. A freakishly strong arm tightened around his torso and forearms, keeping them down and effectively restraining him. 

The first impulse that came over to the forefront of his mind was to struggle and twist around in the embrace. A part of his brain still partially stuck on the fact that dictated his reality for the last few months; any hand that launches at you from an unknown source spells out danger, spells out a loss of autonomy. His breaths came in ragged short huffs and puffs that barely allowed his lungs to taste the air before it was once again pushed out.

He grit his teeth and growled, trying to set his left arm free to elbow his attacker. He harshly threw his head around from one side to the other attempting to set his hair loose from the hand gripping into his scalp to headbutt his attacker’s nose. 

“CHENG XIAOSHI WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?!” Lu Guang’s voice thundered in the room, and it was then that Cheng Xiaoshi realized who was the person wrapping their arms around him.

He stopped struggling and allowed himself to take a handful of full breaths before turning around to face his partner in an attempt to gauge his expression and figure out why the hell he had been ambushed from behind. This was not normal for Lu Guang, not at all. 

Lu Guang was pale, more than usual that is, his pupils were dilated to the point where his grey eyes were barely visible amongst the pool of black consuming them, his brows were furrowed, a pale sheen of sweat pooling in their crease, his jaw seemed to alternate between being tightly clenched and dropping to allow big gulps of air to fly into his body. 

But despite all that, the thing that made the blood in Cheng Xiaoshi’s veins freeze like a river during winter was the horrified look in his partner’s eyes. Eyes that normally always alternated between a nauseating mix of earnestly honest when it came to his attention and care towards others and wretchedly deceiving when the same attention was mirrored back to him. A gaze that now simultaneously wanted to wrap him in a blanket of protectiveness and cut him open to dissect his soul. 

Cheng Xiaoshi shuddered. 

The noose was still dangling from the support beam, swaying back and forth after the disturbance caused by the two men beneath it. Realization dawned in Cheng Xiaoshi. 

“FUCKING ANSWER ME” The words came out rushed, barely understandable amongst the ringing in Cheng Xiaoshi’s ears.

“Lu Guang… I swear… I swear to you this isn’t what you think it is”  

The hand at the nape of Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck shifted onto his torso. Boney fingers splayed against his rib cage, hovering above his heartbeat. 

Lu Guang had Cheng Xiaoshi back pressing into his own chest. He turned his head to bury his face tightly against the crook of Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck. Lips pressed directly against his pulse point as if trying to taste the life running through his partner’s body. 

Cheng Xiaoshi could hardly find it in himself to relax when he could feel Lu Guang’s erratic heartbeat against his spine.

His voice shakes and trembles, unable to keep steady with the knot twisting around his throat “Look! I was just trying to decorate with the flowers Qiao Ling gave me in the morning—“ 

The vibrations coming from Lu Guang’s lips pressed so tightly into his nape raised goosebumps across the sweaty skin of his neck “THEN WHAT IS THAT HANGING FROM THE CEILING?” The words came out like an accusation instead of a question, like he already had made up his mind about the scene he had stumbled into and was just waiting for Cheng Xiaoshi to confirm it. 

“Lu Guang–!”

“Please, please… PLEASE… Don’t do this to me again” The hands gripping onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s body were shaking, boney fingers still tightly intertwined into the fabric of his clothes and pressing into the skin beneath. “I can’t go through this again… don’t make me… Please”

Cheng Xiaoshi brought one of his hands to the back of Lu Guang’s head, gently playing with the strands of white hair as his partner let out shaky exhales into his neck. “Hey, hey Lu guang. I was just trying to hang the flowerpots. I promise, ‘kay?” 

The last discarded flowerpot was laying on its side, the vase partly shattered with the flowers haphazardly laying on the floor. 

“Are you sure?...” Lu Guang’s voice was small in a way Cheng Xiaoshi had never heard before. 

No matter the situation his partner’s voice always carried an air of assurance and wisdom, he always felt in control of the situation. Even in the few times when things weren’t going his way or if all the variables weren’t in his hands his voice was still strong with the despair of not knowing how something would turn out, in having to allow faith to run its course. Cheng Xiaoshi always imagined that for someone who has always been able to tell the future in a flash, not knowing might be the worst pain imaginable. 

Has Lu Guang ever lost someone important in this way before?

“Yeah, I promise” Cheng Xiaoshi gently tapped at Lu Guang’s nape, a sign for him to raise his head. He then pointed at the discarded flowers on the floor. “You see those over there? Those are the flowers I wanted to hang on the ceiling. I even went out to buy some myself, different from the ones Qiao Ling got. I thought it would be nice to have a detail of my own”

Lu Guang stared at the flowers and then raised his gaze towards the flowerpots hanging from the ceiling. “You know… those knots are shit, you might want to redo them. Idiot” his voice sounded so, so tired in a way that made Cheng Xiaoshi’s heart clench.

Despite that Cheng Xiaoshi huffed in mock annoyance, fighting the smile tugging at the corner of his lips “Recovered enough to nitpick I see” His heartbeat was still playing a cacophony on his ribcage. Cheng Xiaoshi could still feel himself shaking a bit. 

“Well those knots aren’t the ones people typically use to hang something securely. Do you want this place to get shut down for safety concerns?” Lu Guang’s hold on Cheng Xiaoshi had stopped being as desperate as before, no longer clinging unto him like he might disappear at any second. But he still hadn’t pushed him away.

“Excuse you? I made sure that wouldn’t happen by making everything super tight!”

Lu Guang smiled. It was still shaky, but Cheng Xiaoshi counted it as a win. “Those flowers you picked… Amaryllis, why?”

“Why does everyone act like there is something mysterious about it?” Cheng Xiaoshi sighed. Willing himself to relax his body, leaning into his partner’s embrace and tucking his head on Lu Guang’s shoulder. “I just thought they looked nice, and I dunno… I felt something calling me to them” he mumbled. 

“Are you aware of the Greek myth surrounding these flowers?”

Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head.

Lu Guang, glanced down at Cheng Xiaoshi. “It is quite a long story to tell at the moment. But the short version speaks of a maiden who wanted to prove her love towards the man who had caught her heart by piercing her own with a golden arrow for thirty days at his doorstep. All at the advice of an oracle”

“What? That is so stupid. I get wanting to sacrifice your life for the ones you love, but what is the point of just doing that to yourself over and over hoping someone will notice?” 

Lu Guang shrugged, something heavy fell upon his gaze.

“After the last day a beautiful flower sprouted from the maiden’s blood, enchanting the object of her affections who decided to name it after the maiden, Amaryllis” He continued, his voice now a little rough probably from the screaming he had engaged in mere minutes ago. “The man she loved only held an interest towards flowers. I always imagined she simply wanted to provide him with the thing he loves the most.”

Cheng Xiaoshi reached towards the hand hovering above his heart, softly prying it off and intertwining those stiff and sweaty fingers with his own. He rested their joined hands above his thigh. “I wouldn’t be happy if the person I loved destroyed themselves for me” he whispered, giving their hands a gentle squeeze. 

“The flowers ended up becoming a symbol of love, devotion and sacrifice. Meant to honor those willing to put their life on the line for their love, willing to bleed if it meant providing a secure future for their loved ones” Lu Guang turned his head away from Cheng Xiaoshi, his gaze now falling to the hallway near the door to the dark room. “They remind me of you”

Cheng Xiaoshi looked down to his side, where the bullet wound scar created an island of marred skin amongst the sea of untouched flesh. “Maybe we should put these in the kitchen then, so you always think of me whenever you do the dishes”

Lu Guang huffed a laugh, his gaze still pointedly away from his partner. “Idiot”

—

August 23rd, 9:21pm

“So, what is it you want to talk about?” Lu Guang stood in front of the fridge, hands tightly pressed against his sides, one of them curling and grabbing into the fabric of his black turtleneck. 

Cheng Xiaoshi used his left hand to scratch at the surface of a wooden cutting board that was sitting on the top of the counter he was leaning against. His brain was scrambling for something to ground him for the argument that was surely going to implode any second. 

“You know? Qiao Ling came earlier today” Cheng Xiaoshi started, trying to keep his tone as neutral and casual as possible. Even if he knew that with all the tension that had been building up for the past thirty minutes there was no point in doing so. 

Lu Guang raised an eyebrow, he was clearly caught off guard by the start of the conversation “Did she?”

“Yes, she did” Cheng Xiaoshi stared ahead at the wall in front of him, making it a point to face away from his partner. His eyes locked into the picture taken during Lu Guang’s “New Member Inauguration Ceremony”, taken back when everything felt so much more simple. Back when he was still sure of where he stood regarding his partner. Somehow it felt like years transpired ever since he started to feel that way even if it has barely been a few hours. “She had some interesting information from back in the tunnels”

“Did she, now?” Lu Guang’s tone was careful. Acting like he was trying to go along with some sort of surprise test. Keeping the administrator happy while simultaneously avoiding sharing any extra information. It was as if Lu Guang was facing an enemy confrontation. 

Cheng Xiaoshi bit his lip, he could almost taste the remnants of the blood that had seeped away from his lips earlier today due to that repeated harsh treatment “Do you remember Xixi’s power? The ability to see someone’s memories just by using a picture of them?”

“Hard to forget, given how it was used by her brother to enhance his killing spree”

“She used it on you. Back when you were kidnapped and Xixi was found and taken to the police holding cell” 

Lu Guang took a step back. Something Cheng Xiaoshi only noticed thanks to the unstable and creaky floorboards of their kitchen. He spared his partner’s unnerved expression a single glance before averting his gaze once more. 

Cheng Xiaoshi tried to pay no mind to whatever was happening around him. He was trying his absolute hardest to be detached and calm about the situation. He couldn’t allow himself to explode into anger and break down into sobs, he couldn’t let the dam burst before he had all his answers. And more than anything, he didn’t want to be disregarded for an emotional reaction.

It felt like there was something clawing at his insides. Thin honed needles scratching along his lungs, making it so every single breath he took released waves of pain into his diaphragm. Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes were standing with unshed tears as his right arm came to scratch at the side of his throat. Nails digging into the flesh in a futile attempt to somehow let loose the knot forming on his throat. 

“You should stop that. Hurting yourself doesn’t help in any way” Lu Guang scolded, his tired voice cutting through Cheng Xiaoshi’s brief mental spiral. 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand briefly stopped, freezing in the middle of its erratic back and forth movements, before once again continuing. Ignoring his partner's disapproving sigh. “It doesn’t matter right now”

Lu Guang walked over to where his partner was standing. Prying Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand from his neck and holding the offending limb between his own. Cheng Xiaoshi still refused to look at him, he didn’t want his resolve to crack. 

After what feels like a lifetime of acting on his impulses. Of throwing himself to the storm without a single thought, Cheng Xiaoshi had finally learned the importance of taking the time to actually think about what he was going to do. 

He doesn't want to imagine what could’ve happened if he had used his ability to dive back into the past impulsively instead of actually thinking about what was the right thing to do, especially because Lu Guang was fine at the end of the day. Cheng Xiaoshi knows himself enough to claim that even if his partner hadn’t survived the attack he wouldn’t have jumped back, because he knows the consequences that come from changing the past carelessly first hand. He tightly squeezed Lu Guang’s hands.

“Lu Guang” Cheng Xiaoshi finally looked back at his partner “Qiao Ling has Xixi’s power now”

Lu Guang’s eyes widened, his eyebrows jumped up his forehead as he sucked in a breath. 

“I… I did not know what was a possibility. When did she find this out?” 

Bullshit.

“That information wasn’t part of whatever instruction manual you got for our powers? I mean since you seem to know almost everything about them” Cheng Xiaoshi bristled, deliberately ignoring Lu Guang’s question. The guy who has been hiding information for literal years doesn’t have the right to be asking questions right now. 

“I have never heard of a case like this before” Lu Guang explained, his tone cautions yet tired “Can I talk to her? Her ability is more similar to my own than yours. It might be possible come to an understanding about it and figure out a way to make sure everything stays under control” 

“Don’t think so. If anything her ability is like a blend of both of ours since you don’t get the emotions of the people you use your power on” No way in hell Cheng Xiaoshi would allow a conversation between those two without confronting Lu Guang on his own first. 

Lu Guang’s thumbs brushed against the back of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hand. Stroking the calloused skin of his knuckles in a gentle back and forth motion “Is this all you wanted to talk about?” Lu Guang asked. He looked up to meet Cheng Xiaoshi’s gaze, who quickly averted his eyes once more. “I’m sure we can figure something out as long as we don’t act irrationally”

“It’s not all of it yet” 

For all Lu Guang typically avoided or barely tolerated physical contact, he seemed to be indulging quite a lot (Come to think of it, he had been doing that since their hospital stay a few months ago) “What is troubling you then?” 

“I know Lu Guang” Cheng Xiaoshi started, his voice breaking as he uttered the words. It seemed like his resolve to maintain himself as detached as possible had finally crumbled “I know that somehow!… somehow you have a memory of my fucking dead body” He squeezed one of the hands gripping into his own with all his strength. If it was to make Lu Guang let go or hold tighter, he didn’t know. “And I’m not stupid! I am not the fucking dumbass you might think I am, because I know what it means… I do… But I’m really, really, really hoping I’m wrong. Please tell me I’m wrong!” 

Lu Guang had gone pale. The eyebags that had made a permanent home under his eyes looked more pronounced than ever, almost like bruises. A thin sheen of sweat had started pooling on the creases of his forehead making him look almost sickly. His pupils were dilated and his hands were turning clammy within Cheng Xiaoshi’s grasp.

Cheng Xiaoshi could feel something breaking inside him. The sheer panic and horror on Lu Guang’s expression answered each and every question he had. So many emotions were contorting his partner’s expression, and yet none of them were guilt.

“Cheng Xiaoshi! I swear that–”

“DON’T TRY TO BULLSHIT ME RIGHT NOW LU GUANG!” Cheng Xiaoshi ripped his wrist from Lu Guang’s grasp and used both of his hands to push the man away, making him tumble into the sink. 

Lu Guang winced as his back collided with the metal surface, letting out a hiss of pain. His next words coming through gritted teeth “Whatever Qiao Ling saw isn't the whole truth. Li Tianxi’s ability can be unstable with the memories it obtains, especially if they are obtained from a second hand source” 

Whatever seed of resentment had been planted into Cheng Xiaoshi’s chest during his talk with his sister was rapidly sprouting into a weed of malice. How fucking dare? How can Lu Guang try to lie his way out of this? Wasn’t all the lying he had done for the last who knows how long enough? 

He let out a bitter laugh. The sound was unnatural and grating, out of place, like the shrill of rusted metal bending through a crushing force “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME? DON’T BULLSHIT ME” Cheng Xiaoshi spat.

Cheng Xiaoshi pushed himself from the counter and stepped forward. Standing right in front of Lu Guang “SOMEHOW YOU HAVE A MEMORY OF MY DEAD BODY! OF YOU HOLDING ON TO ME WHILE THERE IS A HOLE IN MY FUCKING STOMACH AND I’M BLEEDING OUT” he ran one of his hands through his bangs, pulling at the strands of hair as he walked in circles around their tiny kitchen space. “THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY, LU GUANG. ONE WAY THIS CAN BE POSSIBLE WHILE I’M STILL ALIVE. AND FOR YOUR SAKE AND MINE I FUCKING HOPE I’M WRONG” Cheng Xiaoshi could barely hear Lu Guang’s next words over the ringing in his ears and the intense headache chipping away at his brain. 

“You are the only one who can dive, Xiaoshi” Lu Guang stated with the same certainty one would say “the sky is blue”. Cheng Xiaoshi would have accepted that fact with the same level of conviction if the foundations for that idea hadn’t been swept under his feet long ago.

“So what? Am I supposed to believe this is something you found out using your ability?” Cheng Xiaoshi glared at Lu Guang, teeth bared in anger “If that was true I should have been long dead by now. You can only see twelve hours into the future with a photograph”

Lu Guang flinched as Cheng Xiaoshi spat the word “dead” as if just uttering the word caused him physical damage.

“THE TRUTH LU GUANG!... That is all I’m asking. I want to know what the fuck happened. I want to know how long you have been lying to me” Cheng Xiaoshi gripped into the counter, his knees as brittle as glass. Shaking with the weight of his world crashing down on him. 

All his life he had been lied to, abandoned, treated like the scum of the earth for something that was so far out of the control of a mere six year old child. He truly believed that it would never happen again after he found Lu Guang. He had told him back then how he never had to look back when he passed the ball to him. How he had absolute certainty of every word coming out of Lu Guang’s mouth, drinking them all with the same desperation as an alcoholic tasting his last drops of wine. But it seems like life decided to throw another curveball at him.

Is it just going to happen all over again? Is this endless cycle of abandonment going to start over? First a small lie, then a bigger one and after that everyone in his life is just gone like they were never there in the first place. 

Won’t Lu Guang get tired of him? Won’t he get tired trying to salvage the impossible and just leave to save himself the sorrow? He’s going to die isn’t he? Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t know how or why it will happen, but deep inside his bones he knows it is coming soon. What’s the point of staying with the soon–to–be corpse?

This horrible feeling in his chest, the knowledge of his impending doom coming to claim him at any second. It drags him down, it feels like having a weight attached to his heart. A chill climbing up his spine made its permanent home there, one that was invited into his body and welcomed as a special guest the moment Qiao Ling dropped the news about his impending fate. 

He was really going to die before getting to see his mother again, wasn’t he?

Cheng Xiaoshi fell to his knees, one of his arms covering the top half of his face, obscuring his eyes from Lu Guang’s piercing gaze. A moment reminiscent of the talk with his sister earlier today, when they just held each other crying. Two young adults burdened by the knowledge of the guillotine hanging above their heads, of the noose attached to their necks. Qiao Ling had confessed to him, in a mess of snot and tears that had then stained Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder, that even if she didn’t stop breathing her heart would die at the same time as her little brother’s. 

Lu Guang took a breath and once again approached Cheng Xiaoshi. His steps were careful and calculated, like he was approaching a wounded animal “There will be a break in into the Studio on September 12th, 23:11”

“What…?” Cheng Xiaoshi looked up. Tears clinging into his eyelashes as he registered the words. He repeated them in his mind once, and then twice, then thrice, and somehow they made less sense each time. Or maybe he simply didn’t want to understand them, after all ignorance is bliss, isn’t it?

“An intruder comes through the door. He destroys the alarm system I installed when we first moved in. Then he kicks you into the sunroom’s table, and shoots at the wall behind me, breaking our picture frames and the flowepot with the daisies we planted two years ago” Lu Guang’s voice is entirely certain, there is not a trace of doubt in his mind when he recalls the events. Like he is reciting a speech he memorized until his voice breaks after studying it over and over again. A routine imprinted into your muscles after years of performing ignoring the permanent aches in your body. An old camera film showing all the events in excruciating detail, yet worn out by time.

“Lu Guang…”

Lu Guang kneels down, allowing himself to be at eye level with Cheng Xiaoshi “I have attempted to change the events from then on. Sometimes I try to fight back, sometimes I try to make sure you stay out of it by any means necessary, sometimes I even try to be armed myself. But nothing ever works” he brings right hand, the one with his electric watch, to gently cradle the side of Cheng Xiaoshi’s face. A gentleness betraying the ruthlessness he’s admitting to. “He points the gun at me, recites his line, and then… No matter what I do, no matter how I attempt to alter the timeline. You will always jump in front of that bullet” another arm comes to wrap around Cheng Xiaoshi’s upper back, tightly clenching at the fabric of his hoodie “You always let him take you away from me” 

Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head frantically ‘Nononononono, this! This can’t be how it all ends, right?’ 

Resentment is lacing every single one of the words spilling past Lu Guang’s lips, and Cheng Xiaoshi isn’t entirely sure who it is addressed towards. “In the end, you always collapse in the dark room. And I always end up alone, clinging to your body hoping that somehow… Somehow this time something will change” 

Cheng Xiaoshi brings his hand up to his mouth, attempting to stop the wave of nausea rippling through his body. “I don’t even know how all of this is possible… Did you get my powers the same way Qiao Ling got Xixi’s? Did you know this was possible before that?”

“I… I didn’t” Lu Guang admits “I didn’t even notice I had your ability until I left the dark room. But once I realized… September 13th, 00:05 is the furthest point to which I have allowed any timeline to continue” 

How is Cheng Xiaoshi supposed to react to all of this? How is he supposed to continue on with life with the knowledge of his demise, penned down to the minute, hanging right behind him. How fucking morbid is it that Lu Guang made the point where he destroyed the timeline his phone password. 

With Lu Guang’s words echoing in his mind he wasn’t even sure how to process all of this. His hysteria having died down, extinguished, with the bucket of cold water that was a scene by scene retelling of his own death. That is until a single phrase was pulled towards the forefront of his mind. 

The words came out as a broken whisper. The horrifying implications from his partner’s confession tearing down whatever courage he had left “How… How many times?”

“What…?” Lu Guang had the nerve to sound dumbfounded.

“You… You said ‘sometimes’” Cheng Xiaoshi quaked “You said how ‘sometimes’ you tried different things! Y–you said it like you have tried a lot of things” his hands found themselves grasping at Lu Guang’s shoulders. Body being so violently shaken by the trembles running up and down his extremities that he could barely keep himself from collapsing. 

The hand Lu Guang still had cradling the side of Cheng Xiaoshi’s face moved towards his hair. Fingers threading into his scalp. “I… I’m not sure anymore. Timelines jumble together… They merge into a mass of events, memories and people” 

‘People… People!’ The realization hit Cheng Xiaoshi like a truck. How did he not remember before? How didn’t he notice before?! Was he so self absorbed that he was only thinking about his own demise and Lu Guang’s betrayal instead of the true weight behind his partner’s words? Was he so selfish to only think about the consequences in his own life? A single change to the timeline, something as small, as insignificant as a text message can easily get someone killed.  

God how had he forgotten? Emma’s death was all on him. His irresponsible use of his powers cost someone their life. A stupid decision he made trying to help ended up pulling the trigger to the gun already aimed at her head. 

How many people have been dragged down the same way Emma had by Lu Guang’s choice? How many people had his partner guided into the execution chamber? How much blood was on Lu Guang’s hands? How much of it was now clinging into Cheng Xiaoshi? 

Cheng Xiaoshi used his right arm to push Lu Guang back, harshly throwing his head to the side and promptly vomiting all over their kitchen floor. 

“Xiaoshi!” Lu Guang stumbled backwards, bracing his left hand against the ground to avoid crashing into it as his right one shot up towards his partner. “Are you okay?!”

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

A resounding slap rang around the kitchen. Lu Guang’s eyes widened in momentary surprise before his face dropped into resignation. He retreated his hand, cradling the reddening skin into his chest

Cheng Xiaoshi used the back of his hand to wipe at the bile staining the corner of his mouth. His yellow hoodie’s sleeve uncomfortably sticking into his wrist thanks to the sweat pooling beneath the warm fabric. His fingers were still tingling with the sensation of flesh hitting flesh. 

“Lu Guang… How many people have you gotten killed doing this?” The words came like harsh whispers through gritted teeth. The taste the question left on his mouth was even more nauseating than the stomach acid that had spilled out just moments before. 

“I don’t know” Lu Guang stood up, neck craned downwards. His lidded dark eyes staring straight at Cheng Xiaoshi and somehow seeing past him at the same time. The top of his white hair was glowing against the kitchen light, casting a shadow into the upper parts of his face. His expression was cold, all emotions kept at bay behind a facade of solemnity. The only thing betraying his apparent neutrality was a slight downwards pull to his lips. 

That small frown that Cheng Xiaoshi was holding onto like a lifeline, to remind himself that his partner was still human. That he was still his Lu Guang and not some sort of time proxy weighting people’s lives on a scale before discarding them without sparing them a glance.  

He was begging his partner to prove to him that the person he had grown to love for half a decade wasn’t simply a mask meant to soothe his mind while tying a blindfold against his eyes. 

“I wish I could give you another answer. More than anything, I would like to tell you that I’m sorry for the damage that tampering with fate has caused, but I can’t do that” Lu Guang brought his hand forward, narrowed eyes staring down at his palm as if he was searching for something amidst the creases etched into the skin, as if there was something more than simple flesh. “Because telling you that would be a lie. I mourn the lives affected by my actions, but I will never regret them” 

“So what? Do the rules you repeat to me over, and over, and over again mean nothing to you?!” Cheng Xiaoshi shot up, slamming the side of his fist against the counter “Always telling me to leave the past untouched, and yet you can just fuck around with it whenever you want?! All the people we could have saved, do none of them matter?!” he was panting by the time he spat out those words. Every single accusation felt like a crack in the foundation of the pillar that was his relationship with Lu Guang. A pillar that supported his very sense of home. 

The familiar burning sensation that came from hot tears spilling down his cheeks returned, this time the tears weren’t out of sadness. His eyes didn’t sting due to the overwhelming grief and loneliness that had been his only companions during his early life. A profound sense of anger, disgust and betrayal was the fuel powering this unraveling

Lu Guang closed his eyes and shifted his head to the side, hands twitching forward and then tightening into fists against his thighs. “Cheng Xiaoshi. My morals, my ideals, my code, none of them matter to me as much as you” 

Cheng Xiaoshi forced out an incredulous laugh. His insides churned in disgust. “So is my life supposed to be more important than all of them combined? Is that what you mean to say? DO YOU EVEN REALIZE HOW INSANE IS THAT?!” 

The answer came in a quiet voice. In a whisper that was more akin to a prayer than a secret. “It would be impossible to claim it does in the grand scheme of things, but to me… Your life is the only thing keeping me from drowning into despair. You are the one person who brought color to my monochrome world… I have forgotten how to live without your light” 

The words spilling from Lu Guang’s mouth carried the same severity and finality of a judge’s gavel slamming forward. A verdict, the ultimate interpretation of judgement and verity according to humanity. An unshakable truth. 

Lu Guang’s hands were shaking. Cheng Xiaoshi ached to take them into his. He more than anything wanted to unfurl his partner’s hands and stop his nails from digging into his flesh. Another part of him wanted to press them forward until blood sprouted from the indents.

Cheng Xiaoshi bent forward, his hands shielding his face from his partner’s gaze as sobs continued pouring up his throat “I love you. I love you so fucking much… you have no idea” the admission stung like swallowing glass “But you are fucking sick for this Lu Guang. You… You aren’t only destroying the timeline, you are destroying yourself”

Shattering timelines for the sake of a single person. To even think about that you would have to be insane, and Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t claim to be above that. How could he forget the minutes spent in the passenger seat of officer Chen Bin’s car? How could he forget the aching on his palms, itching to clap together, to detangle the strings of fate and bend them to his will? But in the end, he didn’t.

No matter how agonizing it would be to live without the person who Cheng Xiaoshi had handed his brittle heart to, he knew he had to continue forward. He wouldn’t allow himself to break the very foundations of his person just to act out in his selfish desires. 

Maybe a few months ago he would have done that. Back when he had carelessly pulled and ripped strings of Emma’s fate, but now after learning of how truly fragile time is, after learning about the mass of intertwined lives resting against this balance. He couldn’t bear to tip it forward for his own sake. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself knowing that more than one life had been snuffed out due to his selfishness. 

Cheng Xiaoshi would hate the reflection staring back at him from the mirror if he had dared to step on the ideals Lu Guang held so dearly to his heart.

Lu Guang took a step forward, his gaze colliding with Cheng Xiaoshi’s once more “I know. I came to terms with that fact long ago. Besides, nothing can shatter me the same way your death did”

Cheng Xiaoshi bit his lip and took a step back. His hand dragged across the counter’s surface. “So now that I know that doing massive changes to the timeline clearly doesn’t fucking matter anymore. Can we start to actually attempt to save people’s lives doing dives?” It wasn’t a serious suggestion; Cheng Xiaoshi would like to think he isn’t as reckless as the person he was back during the earthquake case, but he wanted to push at his partner’s buttons. A bitter part of himself was forcing him to test Lu Guang’s hypocrisy. 

Lu Guang’s face pinched like he bit straight into a lemon “We still can’t do that–”

“Oh so now it matters? Only when I do it?” Cheng Xiaoshi fumed “I’ll just do it myself then. Since one of us clearly doesn’t care about doing things behind their partner’s back”

“DON’T” Lu Guang rapidly strode forward, feet screeching against the kitchen floor “I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T TRUST ME AFTER THIS, BUT LISTEN TO ME THIS TIME. THE TIMELINE HAS ALREADY BEEN ALTERED ENOUGH. WE ALREADY BROUGHT ENOUGH ATTENTION TO OURSELVES AND I CANNOT PREDICT THE OUTCOMES ANYMORE CHENG XIAOSHI!” his partner’s hands bunched the fabric at the collar of his hoodie, pulling Cheng Xiaoshi and causing him to stumble forward. 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s neck was uncomfortably angled upwards as Lu Guang continued to yell to his face in a rare display of genuine unrestrained panic “THANKS TO THE CHANGES YOU MADE BACK THEN, OFFICER XIAO LI TRIED TO CONTACT QIAO LING FOR OUR HELP IN AN INTERNATIONAL CASE! WE DON’T NEED MORE PEOPLE KNOWING ABOUT OUR ABILITIES! OR IS IT THAT YOU WANT TO ATTRACT THE PEOPLE WHO SENT VEIN TO KILL YOU?! DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME THAT BADLY?!” Tears were hanging into Lu Guang’s eyelashes. It was the first time Cheng Xiaoshi saw him cry.

Despite the anger pulsing within his veins at the moment, Cheng Xiaoshi wouldn’t allow his partner to simply break down like this in front of him. He hesitantly brought his hands forward and wrapped them around Lu Guang’s trembling back. Rubbing soothing circles into his skin as his partner sobbed against Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulder.

“Vein… Vein did that?” Cheng Xiaoshi looked away as his question was ignored. He couldn’t bear to see the impact his own death has caused in his best friend, in the man he loves. Despite everything he couldn’t hate Lu Guang, no matter how much he resents the decisions that led them to this moment. 

He took a shuddering breath, attempting to calm himself down. Cheng Xiaoshi knew that at least one of them had to remain slightly composed so the argument wouldn’t devolve into more of a screaming match than it already was. Lu Guang had taken that role for the first portion of the argument, and now it was Cheng Xiaoshi’s turn. 

Maybe all he needed was a moment to process all of this. The last few minutes had been a psychological beatdown where had no chance to fathom one earth shattering revelation before the next one was dumped over him. His death, the discarded timelines, the lives lost, the case Lu Guang had seemingly rejected without asking him once more, and what now stuck to the forefront of his mind, the identity of his murderer. 

Vein? Is Vein the one who killed him? But how would that be even possible? He is supposed to die this year, not back when they went to Bridon. Why would Vein even follow them to the other side of the ocean? How could he even break into the Studio to do that if he had already died five years ago? 

How was this timeline altered so long ago? Didn’t Lu Guang say that the original deviation came from Emma’s case? He barely had discovered his own powers back when Vein died.

What could have caused Vein to die in this timeline when he had seemingly survived at least until September 12th in all of them? 

Realization struck, and suddenly the room felt so terribly cold. As if the pull of warm affection he had felt towards his partner mere seconds ago had frozen over. 

Only one person aside from Qiao Ling and now Cheng Xiaoshi himself knows about the fate of this timeline.

“L–Lu Guang, how did Vein kill me? He’s dead, he has been dead for so long” Cheng Xiaoshi gasped, as if the air had been punched out of his lungs

Lu Guang stilled. His roommate pushed himself back, lifting his head from the junction between Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulders and neck, and meeting his gaze. Dried tear tracks being the only evidence of emotion in a hauntingly blank face. 

There was something so, so unfamiliar and horrifying in a way Cheng Xiaoshi had never experienced before. Even when Lu Guang’s eyes were dilated in anger, the traces of affection and care didn’t disappear. But now, the only thing burning in those gray eyes was bone-chilling hatred. 

Cheng Xiaoshi wanted to shrink down, like he was an eight year old kid sobbing for his parents to return once more. He wanted to run away from this place and into Qiao Ling’s arms where his sister would run comforting hands through his hair and whisper sweet nothings in his ears. He didn’t want to be facing this stranger wearing his partner’s face. 

“No… Lu Guang… Please tell me this was just some weird change to the timeline and not–” Cheng Xiaoshi could barely get the words to come out amidst his trembling sobs. He stared at the ground as his hands tangled into his hair, pulling it over his face. As if being unable to see Lu Guang would somehow hide him from the man in front of him.

His heaving breaths were making his vision blurry, his mouth was dry and Cheng Xiaoshi was half convinced he would puke again despite the fact he had already vomited the single meal he ate that day. 

Lu Guang spoke, hesitation coating his words. “We can’t talk about this. Not right now” 

“THEN WHEN, LU GUANG?!” Cheng Xiaoshi shook his head from side to side, pulling at the strands of his hair. He knew he was acting no better than a child throwing a tantrum, but at this point, didn’t he deserve to be one? 

“It doesn’t matter, understand?” From below the inky black curtain of his bangs Cheng Xiaoshi could see Lu Guang slowly reaching his arm forward, the same one that he had slapped away mere minutes ago, before thinking better of it and retracting it back into his side. “We don’t need to speak about this, it doesn’t matter how it happened. The most important thing is that it has been taken care of. Nothing will– Nothing should take you away again”

“What even is the point of lying about this again?! Can you just fucking tell me what happened to Vein?!”

“It doesn’t matter what happened to him, Xiaoshi!” Lu Guang erupted. “He’s not here anymore! Vein no longer a threat to us”

The amount of emotion Lu Guang was showing was something completely alien to Cheng Xiaoshi. He always knew his partner expressed emotions, just like any other human, but he usually expressed his changes in mood through microexpressions and subtle twitches that only someone who had lived with his roommate for five years would be able to tell. The open anguish, anger, sorrow and hatred in Lu Guang’s body rattled the very core of what Cheng Xiaoshi knew about his partner. The sheer venom and disgust Lu Guang felt towards Vein, spitting his name as if it was a profanity, was terrifying in a way that he couldn’t even begin to comprehend. 

Cheng Xiaoshi wiped his tears using his forearm, twisting his head to the side. His vision narrowed into a single object sitting in their kitchen counter, the flowerpot containing the plastic amaryllis flowers. He knew what he had to do to get his partner to talk. 

He took a step back. The sound of the sole of his foot stomping against the kitchen floor reverberating across the small room. He swung his arm back wildly until the back of his hand collided with the kitchen knife holder. His fingers gripped the handle of one of the knives and pulled it out with enough force to make the small kitchen appliance topple over. 

“What are you–?!” Lu Guang launched forward before abruptly stopping in his path, frozen. He was hunched over against the kitchen counter, his body shaking with overexertion.

Another set of hurried steps back. The handle was slipping from his grasp, hands clammy with sweat making it impossible to get a steady hold. The only sounds that could be heard were the two labored sets of breathing from the men facing each other. 

Cheng Xiaoshi pressed the knife against his own throat, the blade of the weapon resting against his jugular. A tender kiss of death. It wasn’t enough to cut, not yet, as the flesh was barely yielding to the razor sharp edge. 

Only when standing a handful of meters away from his partner Cheng Xiaoshi spoke again. “Now… will you tell me what the fuck happened?” In between each word painful heaves were coming out, barely allowing Cheng Xiaoshi to speak a full sentence without feeling winded. 

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!” Lu Guang was hysterical, even more than when he believed Cheng Xiaoshi was going to hang himself. He was looking at Cheng Xiaoshi with such a raw look of hurt and betrayal that almost made him falter. “LET GO OF THE KNIFE” 

‘Maybe now he will learn how it feels’ 

“JUST ANSWER ME LU GUANG!” Cheng Xiaoshi demanded, his eyes wild with anger and something akin to resentment.  “WHAT. DID. YOU. DO?” 

This is stupid, oh God this is so, so stupid and Cheng Xiaoshi knew it. He wasn’t completely sure about what he was doing, but something about the flowers, about Lu Guang's immediate loss of the control he held on to like a lifeline pushed him to just do something.

Lu Guang slipped up and mentioned Vein’s name when he snapped at Cheng Xiaoshi over the idea that he might do something dangerous behind his back. Maybe some part of his fucked up and bitter brain decided to do something insane to push his partner over the edge once again.

He’s so fucked up for this isn’t he? Using his partner’s fear, the thing that drove him to tear himself and the world apart just to demand something from him. 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s hold on the knife tightened. He can afford to hate himself later. 

“FINE” Lu Guang gripped the handle of their kitchen counter, his hand trembled so intensely that it made the door rattle on its hinges. “It was a little after you went to your appointment with Wang Qing… Fuck!” He threaded his fingers across his white hair before that same hand rubbed at his temple. “Vein and I talked outside. He… He spoke about some stupid psychology riddle, and then he was planning to go in to do God knows what” 

Cheng Xiaoshi listened intently, the knife not easing even the tiniest bit of pressure on his throat. His knees were shaking with anxiety, but he had to keep himself together just a little longer. 

Lu Guang’s expression tensed, lips pressed into a tight line “I used my ability to see the future. I… I figured that if I somehow managed to create another death node, it would somehow override yours…” 

“And? How did he die?” Cheng Xiaoshi asked, trying to get his partner to get to the point. Something he usually did without getting prompted to. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep himself from breaking down. 

“I made everything fall into place, all of it had to be just right to get him to die back then” Lu Guang’s gravely voice, from all the screaming they had both engaged in mere minutes ago, continued. 

“The heart attack?”

“Yes, manipulating the timeline allows a lot of things… Think about it like strings” It seemed like Lu Guang was managing to get a hold of himself, at least for a bit. His voice was coming out less strained than before, his sentences more coherent and well thought out, but he still seemed hesitant to lie. Especially when Cheng Xiaoshi’s life seemingly on the line. “If you pull them just right, you will be able to control the narrative”

The words coming from his partner’s mouth were being muffled by the ringing in his ears. “So Xia Fei was right… Vein was murdered. I can’t believe this…” His brain felt heavy, as if just tilting his head to the side would cause his whole body to topple over. “You didn’t pull the trigger, but you might as well have” 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s fingers and arms were cramping over, his limbs felt alien to him. He could barely register the shift in the grip of his knife. It was as if he had just blinked and suddenly the edge of the knife had dug into the skin of his throat. Creating a thin line of torn flesh that had blood leaking over the surface almost immediately.

Lu Guang’s eyes widened, his pupils zeroing on the small droplets of blood spurting from Cheng Xiaoshi’s throat. With a cry he suddenly leapt forward, the action reminded Cheng Xiaoshi of how he had reacted back in the tunnels when he had been shot. 

He collapsed as Lu Guang’s weight forcefully slammed into him and knocked them both over to the ground. The breath was punched out of his lungs the moment his back painfully met the floor. It was until then that he finally felt the sharp sting in his neck that now was burning with the cold air brushing against it. 

With a hiss Cheng Xiaoshi turned his head around, flailing beneath his partner’s weight attempting to push the shorter man off. “Get off me!” There was barely any heat behind the command, it was more like the final flickers of a match stick before it finally gave out.

Lu Guang ignored his words, renewed energy seemingly coursing through his body as he forcefully pinned Cheng Xiaoshi to the floor. His upper torso was stuck to the ground as Lu Guang straddled his hips and used his arms to immobilize Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrists. 

The knife was still within his grasp, it had slid downwards and now Cheng Xiaoshi’s fingers were gripping into the blade tearing his palm open. The sight of blood dripping from the wound seemed to aggravate Lu Guang further. 

Rivers of dark red falling like cascades from his body and flowing into the ground beneath them. Nonsensical patterns breaking the monochromatic appearance of their floor before being wiped out by a flailing limb that had collided with the ground. 

Lu Guang’s fingers wrapped around the armed hand, lifting it up before slamming it back to the ground with overwhelming force. A strangled gasp left Cheng Xiaoshi’s lips the moment the back of his wrist was hit with an awkward angle. His fingers loosened around the weapon and Lu Guang used that chance to elbow the blade away, causing it to slide across the kitchen floor until it clattered as it hit the wall behind them. 

Cheng Xiaoshi growled in frustration, twisting his body to the side and attempting to kick Lu Guang off. However, Lu Guang’s desperation seemed to give him inhuman adrenaline–fueled strength as he simply used one of his one legs to dig his knee into Cheng Xiaoshi’s thigh, trapping it in place. With both wrists pinned above his head and his whole body immobilized Cheng Xiaoshi could do nothing more than writhe and sob. 

He knew this confrontation would end badly, but even he didn’t think it would end up being this emotionally and physically draining. 

“I can’t believe it, Lu Guang…” Cheng Xiaoshi wept, turning his head to the side and lightly smudging his cheek with blood. The overwhelming iron-like smell of blood flooded his nostrils “I have lived this five years. FIVE YEARS without knowing who you really are… I guess I never knew you at all” Cheng Xiaoshi bit back a wince from the uncomfortable position his shoulder was bent in. 

“I never pretended to be someone else, not once” Lu Guang buried his nose against Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheek. He nuzzled against the sweaty skin, his white hair tickling at his partner’s forehead.  “Whenever I was with you, every single moment we spent together… Those are all the most precious moments of my life” His voice was broken and raw, bitterness and sorrow coating every word coming from his mouth. It was as if his mind hadn’t decided if he was still angry at Cheng Xiaoshi’s display of complete thoughtlessness  at his own fate. 

“I just… How am I expected to move past this? This isn’t just about having tunnel vision and ignoring how the world around you collapses while chasing a single goal. This is something you decided to do” Cheng Xiaoshi observed all of Lu Guang’s expressions while recounting the events that led to Vein’s death. His own life being on the line has never been a deterrent from noticing the details, if anything it honed his ability to catalogue and remember every little event that happened. And throughout the whole thing, Cheng Xiaoshi never saw guilt.

“I’m not sorry”

Lu Guang’s grip on Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrists loosened. One of his hands softly traced its way from the tips of his fingers towards the side of his face. Somehow Lu Guang’s touch felt sharper than the blade, his finger left a trail of raised goosebumps on Cheng Xiaoshi’s skin. He shuddered as a thumb lovingly wiped his tears, smudging the blood staining his cheek. 

“I didn’t expect you to be”

Cheng Xiaoshi could feel Lu Guang’s chest expanding and contracting against his own. They were fully pressed together on the ground, legs to legs, hips to hips, face to face. Surrounded by blood and vomit, remnants of the mere minutes in which tragedy had unfolded. In which the both of them were torn apart and roughly put back together to fit into each other’s respective molds, not quite fitting but it was acceptable enough to ignore. To pretend like the very foundations of what made them partners weren’t shaken to their very core. 

“It is what I had to do. You ran around Bridon making friends with every single person who wanted to hurt you” Lu Guang’s hand was shaking against Cheng Xiaoshi’s cheek, he brought his hand up to lay it over his partner’s “Vein, Liu Xiao, even Xia Fei. I had to somehow ensure nothing happened. I had to make sure that he didn’t take you away again. I was panicked, irrational, but how could I not be? We were never supposed to meet this early” The words were spat out with overwhelming disgust, as if the mere existence of those people was enough to poison the syllables that formed their names.

Cheng Xiaoshi sniffled “Xia Fei…?” He felt light headed, his words coming out drowsily. Each letter taking more time than necessary to be vocalized through Cheng Xiaoshi’s overwhelming tiredness. He could fall asleep at this very moment. 

What is Cheng Xiaoshi supposed to do now? Any rational person would run away, call for help and tell the police if they found out that their long-time roommate was a murderer. But Cheng Xiaoshi wasn’t a rational person, he rarely listened to anything or anyone that weren’t his impulses, and now every single fiber of his being was yelling at him to stay with Lu Guang. To face all of it together like they had always done. Because, how is he supposed to hate someone who does all of this for him? 

But all of that didn’t matter right now. As the thing that kept the pit on Cheng Xiaoshi’s stomach festering with anger and resentment weren’t only the actions Lu Guang had taken. It was the fact that he had been lied to, manipulated and betrayed from the very start. That the morals and ideas he had learned to accept after years of disregarding them, that the thing that had allowed himself to feel that he was finally maturing and growing as a person had been a lie from the very start. 

He was sure he could learn to forgive the actions Lu Guang had taken, but he didn’t know how he could ever bring himself to accept the deception. 

He was too tired to even think about anything, to be mad about anything past the anger still boiling in his gut. His brain was filled with static, his mind had long abandoned his body and was just drifting along the kitchen. An spectator sitting at a comfortable distance from the scene unfolding below. And maybe, there was no need to reel his scattered mind back in just yet. 

Lu Guang used one of his arms to push himself up, taking one of Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands in the process –the uninjured one– and pulling him up. Cheng Xiaoshi wobbled a little on his feet before he was pulled against his partner’s side by a steady arm wrapping around his waist. “We can continue this discussion tomorrow. I need to take care of your injuries” Lu Guang took a deep breath, looking at Cheng Xiaoshi with badly concealed uneasiness “I promise to tell you the whole truth tomorrow, and after I’m willing to accept your hatred with open arms”

“I can’t blame you fully for what you did. I don’t know, I don’t want to know what I would have done if I had Li Tianchen standing in front of me after you had been stabbed” Cheng Xiaoshi winced as the fingers of his injured hand twitched. “I guess... At the end of the day I can't hate you for that. I can’t hate you at all”

Cheng Xiaoshi sagged against Lu Guang’s body. He closed his eyes and allowed himself to be led away towards the stairs. The scene in the kitchen was a grim reminder of what is still yet to come, as the floors of their Studio will be painted with blood once more. Cheng Xiaoshi knows better than anyone at this point. He knows a death node can’t be changed. If it were possible, how come his mother never succeeded in all her years of trying? 

August 23rd, 9:58pm

Lu Guang kneeled against the floor of their cramped bathroom. The doors of their bathroom cabinets were wide open, on the floor to the side there laid piles of random objects organized into neat rows. Spare toothbrushes, an extra tube of bubble gum flavored toothpaste Cheng Xiaoshi impulsively bought, hand lotion, a hairbrush that had been snapped in half, but he still hadn’t found the object he was set on obtaining. Their first aid kit. 

The soft hum of the light above him was the only sound in the room, it soothed the ringing on Lu Guang’s ears. After what felt like hours of non-stop arguing and yelling, all he wanted was some peace and quiet, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to obtain it until he was sure that Cheng Xiaoshi was safe, taken care of. 

Thoughts circled like a whirlpool in his mind. What if one of the wounds got infected? What if one of the injuries was worse than he thought? What if he tried something again? No, that couldn’t be possible. Lu Guang had discreetly locked the door to the room from outside and there was nothing that could be used to hurt oneself severely within the room. He had checked, double checked and then triple checked to make sure of that. He didn’t need repeats of three timelines ago. He couldn’t survive another repeat of that.

There was nothing more disheartening than finding the person who once pulled you out of your imminent death within the old railways of your dingy old town dangling from the ceiling fan as they chose that fate for themselves. There was nothing more disheartening than seeing the person who you handed your whole life to choose death over you over and over, and over, and over–

Lu Guang brought a trembling hand up to soothe the crease forming between his eyebrows. He attempted to massage away the headache that was starting to throb at his temple, but it seemed to be futile. Lu Guang jolted when the side of his hand brushed against uncomfortably scratchy fabric, he had finally found it. 

He pulled the first aid kit out of their cramped cabinet and slung the strap over his shoulder. Lu Guang cringed a little at the reminder that he would have to come back later to organize the room. He hated leaving messes that could be easily fixed, it was another variable that he would have no control over.

 Lu Guang tried to reassure himself that this didn’t matter as it was merely another ripple within the sea of uncertainty that had crashed upon this timeline. It was nothing compared to the conversation they had earlier today, and it will be nothing compared to the realization he will be forced to confront Cheng Xiaoshi with tomorrow morning, when he finally promised to tell the truth. The fact that it wasn’t just his life that was at stake, but Qiao Ling’s as well.

The bathroom door creaked as Lu Guang pushed it open, its rusty hinges rattling at the lack of care. He made his way towards the hallway barely sparing a glance at the wall of photographs that he and Cheng Xiaoshi had built over their years spent together. White frames decorating the pictures Lu Guang had taken and black frames encasing Cheng Xiaoshi’s pictures. It was all for the sake of a small competition Cheng Xiaoshi had initiated. Who can take more pictures to decorate the house? 

Lu Guang had never really cared about the competition. Cheng Xiaoshi’s photography abilities were marginally better than his so there was no point in trying too much aside from humoring his partner. 

However, as the need for more photographs grew with each image Lu Guang exhausted of its rewind potential he had to do some drastic change to the timeline to keep his opportunities to rewind as open as possible. 

Lu Guang had decided to start taking more pictures whenever he had the chance. It was a win–win scenario, he gets more chances to stop his friends’ impending fate and he gets to engage in some friendly competition with Cheng Xiaoshi. 

He still remembers the pride he felt swell up within his chest at Cheng Xiaoshi’s indignant sputtering when he noticed that Lu Guang had him beaten by ten pictures. Maybe his partner had finally succeeded at dragging out that petty and childish side of himself that he had tried so hard to bury. 

He turned towards the frames and tapped one of his fingers across the clear glass encasing one of the pictures. It was a photograph of Cheng Xiaoshi asleep in the sunroom’s couch, his black hair covering half of his face and his limbs twisted in angles that would not be comfortable for the average person. 

There was something in this picture. If one looked carefully they would notice that within each frame there were small imperfections, a dot made with black marker at the left down corner of the glass. An indication that this picture had already been used up to its maximum potential. Another chance that had been lost to Lu Guang’s lack of planning. 

The pad of Lu Guang’s finger glided across the glass, smudging at the black ink. He had lost count of how many of these pictures had become symbols of a bleak future, failures. How many of these images were nothing but remnants of a dead man?

The first aid kit’s strap dug uncomfortably into Lu Guang’s shoulder, he carefully adjusted it before continuing his way towards the room. Lu Guang stood in front of the door. He rested his forehead against the wooden surface of the door, he closed his eyes as a shuddering breath entered his body. 

Lu Guang pulled a worn down silver key from his pocket and carefully unlocked the door. There was a near silent click from the door as Lu Guang pushed it open a few centimeters, barely enough to peek inside the room.

Cheng Xiaoshi was sitting on the desk, knees drawn to his chest, using his uninjured hand to scroll on their shared laptop. He was wearing a white short sleeved pyjama shirt and black loose fitting shorts. His bangs were pushed to the side with a hair pin in the shape of a cartoonish dog, his hair tucked into a side ponytail in order to avoid it brushing against the open wound in his neck. Dried blood clung onto the flesh of his neck, patterns of faded red that matched with the ones drawn against the palm of his hand. 

There was no way to make out what Cheng Xiaoshi was looking at from this far away, but something in Lu Guang’s chest stirred up a sense of urgency to find out. 

Lu Guang carefully pushed open the door with his free shoulder and slowly walked towards Cheng Xiaoshi. The soles of his feet silently touched the ground as he closed the distance between them. 

Slowly the words on the screen became visible, but not readable quite yet. Lu Guang took the glasses he had hanging at the hem of his shirt and put them on before squinting at the screen. His heart dropped.

There on the computer screen Cheng Xiaoshi was rapidly switching back and forth between multiple tabs, but Lu Guang could still make out the main theme of his inquiries. 

‘What is the least painful place to get shot at’, ‘What injury is lethal but not painful’, ‘An injury to which body part can cause a slow but painless death’, ‘Is it possible to survive long enough to talk to someone after being short in the heart’ 

Cheng Xiaoshi quickly swiped at the trackpad using three of his fingers. The screen changed to some inconspicuous videogame review online. Suddenly all the tabs spelling out Cheng Xiaoshi’s internal thoughts were gone just like the scars he carried on his body every time the timeline would reset. 

Lu Guang always knew that his efforts could be entirely futile. Time isn’t something that can be easily controlled, it is wild and unpredictable. Theories such as the butterfly effect are mere human reasonings on how that unstoppable force of nature could work. He knew better than anyone that no matter how powerful the ripple in the past, the future could still be entirely unaffected.

But somehow seeing Cheng Xiaoshi be so convinced of his fated untimely demise, so sure that he wasn’t going to make it, felt crushing in a way that made Lu Guang’s insides freeze in overwhelming terror and grief.

Cheng Xiaoshi turned around in the chair “Didn’t hear you coming back to the room. How long have you been standing there? Guangguang” Cheng Xiaoshi turned around and grinned, his smile twitching when he noticed Lu Guang’s troubled expression. It stung to see how much effort his partner was putting into fooling him. 

“Not too long” Lu Guang answered, keeping his tone neutral. He motioned to Cheng Xiaoshi to sit on the bed as he placed the first aid kit on the desk. “I still need to treat your injuries, come on”

Cheng Xiaoshi sighed as he stood up from the chair and made his way towards the bottom bunk bed. His feet were tiredly shuffling across their room’s surface, his figure swaying from side to side as if his head was too heavy for his own body. Finally, he reached the mattress and all but collapsed on the navy blue blankets adorning his bed. His gaze was averted from Lu Guang’s.

“Can we get this over with soon? I gotta get some sleep to wake up early enough to make breakfast, clean the kitchen and open the studio on time to get the land lady off our asses” Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed the brown dog plushie kept at the edge of his bed, resting against the wall, and clutched it to his chest. 

Lu Guang stood in front of the desk carefully pulling items from the kit and putting aside the ones that he wouldn’t need tonight aside. The was a neat pile of several items that were needed to treat Cheng Xiaoshi’s lacerations, however he still was yet to find everything he needed. “I’ll take care of the cleaning” 

The idea of Cheng Xiaoshi being close to any chemicals that could prove fatal when ingested sent a ripple of fear through Lu Guang’s body. It was something that he simply couldn’t allow.

“Come on, Lu Guang. It was my mess, at least let me fix it” The words were barely understandable as they were whispered into the plushie’s artificial fur. “I feel bad for what I did. I shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that– I… I shouldn’t have taken advantage of your fears like that”

“It doesn’t matter right now. I will take care of everything tomorrow” Lu Guang continued rummaging through the first aid kit. He carefully tilted the bag’s opening towards their desk light in order to make it easier for himself to find the last few items. “Cooking, cleaning and the few requests that we already finished. I will just hand them to the clients when they come to pick them up and I will make sure to update the page to our ‘partial labour’ schedule”

“I don’t need you to do all that for me Lu Guang. I can still cook” Cheng Xiaoshi rested his cheek against the plushie. Lu Guang could feel him staring at the side of his head. 

“That is fine, however I would still rather accompany you in the kitchen while you do it for now” Lu Guang pulled out a needle and thread. He hadn’t had the chance to study Cheng Xiaoshi’s injuries enough to know if they would be needed, but he still set them aside just in case. 

Cheng Xiaoshi cringed at the sight of the needle. It was most likely a side effect from their unpleasant experiences with stitches back in the hospital. God knows Lu Guang had a bone to pick with them. “What? Already thinking I’m going to do something stupid? Do you think I’m going to stab myself while dicing vegetables or something?”

“or something” Lu Guang replied “I don’t want to risk anything after tonight… Not when I’m so close to succeeding” 

“Do you seriously think I’m going to–?”

“Yes” 

Cheng Xiaoshi’s shoulders stiffened. His arms tightened around the plushie, accidentally activating the audio device hidden within the layers of cotton. The words ‘I love you’ rang around the room in a cheerfully cartoonish voice. He looked slightly embarrassed by this.

Lu Guang took a tissue from a nearby box and used the glass of water sitting at the edge of the desk to carefully soak it. After that he finally approached Cheng Xiaoshi with a white tube of antibiotic cream in one hand and tissue on the other. Lu Guang used the tissue to wipe away the dried blood clinging to Cheng Xiaoshi’s skin. The reverence in Lu Guang’s actions rivaled that of a faithful man worshipping his God. Innocent yet coated by layers upon layers of sheer devotion.

The red tainting Cheng Xiaoshi’s skin slowly gave away to his marred flesh. There was a very high chance that the injury would scar. The skin of his neck forever marked by the sins committed in a single night. Lu Guang narrowed his eyes at the thought. It wouldn’t be the first time that holiness was tarnished by the will of man.

From the moment they first met on that faithful day at the basketball court it was as if Lu Guang’s world was spun completely on its axis. There was a clear divide between before and after Cheng Xiaoshi. It was impossible to imagine a life beyond the salvation that had been so graciously offered to him that day, not when he had bowed to worship it and protect it at all costs.

It was a realization that didn’t dawn upon Lu Guang within the first timeline, nor the second, and not even during the third one. Cheng Xiaoshi had become the closest thing to faith that Lu Guang held.

No matter how much fate may taunt him, one fact remained unchallengeable; A life without Cheng Xiaoshi and Qiao Ling wasn’t worth living. A timeline without them wasn’t worth existing.

Cheng Xiaoshi lightly shivered as the wet tissue tickled the surface of his skin once more “Feels cold” he muttered. His cheek was still pressed against the crown of the dog plushie’s head, his throat was angled towards his partner in order to make the job of treating the injuries easier. Lu Guang intended to finish the task as swiftly as possible, intending to avoid the risk of Cheng Xiaoshi waking up with a sore neck to top off the list of misfortunes for tomorrow.

“Don’t worry. I will be done soon” Lu Guang assured. He stepped back towards the desk in order to grab the medical tape, gauze and scissors he had placed aside from the pile of unnecessary items. “Maybe you wouldn’t be shivering if you didn’t put the AC at 16 degrees every night, idiot” 

“Not my fault that you have the cold resistance of a lizard” 

Lu Guang approached Cheng Xiaoshi once more and sat next to him at the edge of the mattress. He picked up the antibiotic cream he had previously left on the bed and used another tissue –Lu Guang didn’t want to somehow risk an infection by directly touching the wound, even if that fear was irrational– to carefully spread it over the wound. After that he picked up the roll of gauze and cut a piece that was big enough to cover the wound.

Shaking hands started to cut equal pieces of medical tape in order to secure the gauze. For Lu Guang all of this still felt like one of his worst nightmares dragged out of the confines of his mind. He was still half expecting, hoping that he would still somehow wake up to Cheng Xiaoshi’s grinning face staring him up from the side of his own bunk and pestering him about breakfast.

Cheng Xiaoshi placed the plushie to the side when Lu Guang’s fingers gently pressed the gauze against his neck. He let out a small hiss of pain at the feeling of fabric sitting so close to his open wound. As Lu Guang started securing the edges and sides of the gauze with type, Cheng Xiaoshi’s hands quickly gave into anxious fidgeting.

“Are we really going to talk about this tomorrow?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s eyes drifted towards Lu Guang. His tone was hesitant, like he was expecting Lu Guang to tell him off.  “I mean, after everything that happened tonight… I just don’t have the strength to argue anymore. I don’t want to feel the way I felt earlier” Cheng Xiaoshi brought one of his hands up to toy with the hair tie holding his hair to the side. He roughly pulled it out, taking a couple of strands of hair with it, in order to stretch it around his fingers. His locks of black hair cascaded to the side of his head, silky locks hovering just above his shoulders. “I don’t want to be angry like this anymore”

Lu Guang let out a shuddering breath “There is still a lot we need to discuss. There are things I still need to tell you, things I don’t fully understand myself yet” He took Cheng Xiaoshi’s injured hand in between his own and carefully raised the appendage towards his mouth pressing an adoring kiss against his pulse point. “Time is not something that is to be fully understood. I am sorry if I won’t be able to answer all of your questions tomorrow, but I didn’t lie when I said that I would tell you nothing but the truth from now on. From now on there will be no secrets between you, me and Qiao Ling.”

Cheng Xiaoshi bashfully averted his gaze from where Lu Guang was sitting, bringing his hand towards the edge of the mattress. “Is there a lot we haven’t talked about yet…? Should I expect anything bad? Is the world ending too?” The question came out as a meager attempt at a joke. One where the punchline would be the notion of there being something worse than his own death.

“Yes… To the first two things I mean. I doubt I would be able to prevent an apocalypse no matter how hard I tried” Cheng Xiaoshi’s death might not be the end of the world, but it was the end of his world.

Cheng Xiaoshi turned his gaze towards the ground, kicking at the plushie that had now tumbled off the bed “Oh… I guess I should have expected that”

Lu Guang stood up from the bed and made his way to the floor in front of Cheng Xiaoshi. He kneeled in between his partner’s legs in order to meet his gaze. One of his hands was holding onto Cheng Xiaoshi’s thigh for stability while the other came forward to once again take his Xiaoshi’s hand. 

He used another tissue to wipe at the dried blood in Cheng Xiaoshi’s palm, ignoring the nauseating yet familiar smell of blood. Sometimes the smell of pungent iron overrode the memory of Cheng Xiaoshi’s cologne until he managed to catch a whiff of that citrusy smell once more. Sometimes the sight of blood dripping like crimson candle wax down Cheng Xiaoshi’s mouth became an unbearable guest on Lu Guang’s nightmares that didn’t seem to leave until those lips whispered sweet nothings to his ears.

He once again went through the motions of squeezing the tube of antibiotic cream on a tissue in order to rub it on the wound before pulling the roll of gauze and wrapping it around Cheng Xiaoshi’s palm. 

After he was done Cheng Xiaoshi quickly pulled his hand away, cradling it against his chest. His posture was still tense, his eyes flickering with an emotion Lu Guang was already familiar with thanks to their few bad arguments across the years, betrayal. 

Lu Guang sank further into his knees and took one of Cheng Xiaoshi’s legs between his hands. He adoringly pressed his lips against his partner’s lower calf, relishing the feeling of warm skin against his own.

A tired voice brushed against Lu Guang’s ears like a gentle breeze “What are you doing…?” Cheng Xiaoshi brought his pristine hand against the lower part of his face.

“I love you more than anything in the world” Lu Guang’s lips traveled further up his partner’s leg. Kisses peppered at Cheng Xiaoshi’s knee and thigh. “I am sorry I can’t be as selfless as I was when I promised you to stay as long as I could, but didn’t guarantee a forever so many years ago”

“Are you really?” Cheng Xiaoshi’s breathy voice was the closest thing to the choirs of the Heavens Lu Guang had heard about so many years ago. “Weren’t you the one telling me about how he didn’t regret a thing just a while ago?”

Lu Guang smiled against Cheng Xiaoshi’s leg “I am sorry I can’t be selfless, but I am not sorry for being selfish. Never with you” 

Cheng Xiaoshi looked down. His eyes stared at Lu Guang with a whirlwind of emotions that were indecipherable even to the man who had learned to read those honey brown eyes like his mother tongue. 

“Come on, let's just go to bed. I don’t think my brain can handle much more for tonight” Cheng Xiaoshi clenched his fists as he pulled up his legs from where they were dangling on the mattress to burrow them beneath the comforter. His arm shot up to draw the dog plushie by the ear back into the bed.

It seemed like Cheng Xiaoshi was back to drawing a careful line of distance between them. Lu Guang couldn’t blame him for it, after all one of the reasons he fell for his partner in the first place was his willingness to stick to his own morals and ideals despite the challenges thrown towards him by a cruel fate. 

Even if Lu Guang had repeated to himself over and over again how he would willingly accept Cheng Xiaoshi’s righteous anger and hatred when he eventually found out the truth. Now that the moment had finally come he finds it impossible to bear the icy looks thrown his way.

Lu Guang climbed over to his partner's bottom bunk. It seemed that even while being mad at him, Cheng Xiaoshi had still left a considerable amount of space in the bed for Lu Guang to settle himself into as he often did whenever either of them experienced nightmares. Cheng Xiaoshi laid next to Lu Guang. Neither of them spoke for what felt like an eternity, and Lu Guang was content with that.

This timeline was a complete and utter mess, Lu Guang was aware of that, but maybe the culmination of his most proactive attempt to shift the timeline would finally bring that wave that would crash against the known structure of fate. Maybe this ripple would be the one to bring a tsunami.

Cheng Xiaoshi lifted his hand up to trace nonsensical patterns against the bottom of Lu Guang’s bunk. He winced in pain when he attempted to use his injured hand to brush aside the bangs that were starting to tickle his forehead. A flash of regret flickered in his eyes when he stared down at his bandaged palm.

Lu Guang curled his fingers around Cheng Xiaoshi’s wrist in a loose hold. He brushed his thumb up and down his partner’s knuckles.

"We shouldn't open the day after tomorrow. I figured we might need a break after I hand out the remaining orders and we have the talk about all this" 

Cheng Xiaoshi stared at Lu Guang as if he grew a second head. "You sure we can do that? I don't want the landlady to think that we are slacking off 'sides we need the money, especially with the hospital bills we haven’t fully paid off yet"

"I'm sure it will be fine as long as we don't make unnecessary purchases" Lu Guang very obviously glanced at the shelf in front of the bunks that Cheng Xiaoshi had claimed for his collections of videogame trinkets and the few figurines he had bought Lu Guang as presents. 

Cheng Xiaoshi huffed in light annoyance. "Hey if getting shot brings to us that big of a financial strain I'll do my best to avoid psychopaths with guns from now on"

Lu Guang threw Cheng Xiaoshi an unimpressed stare. “It is better for us to just sleep for now. After all, who knows what tomorrow will bring?” 

“Fine, fine. No need to get that serious” Cheng Xiaoshi pulled the comforter over the two of them before turning his back towards Lu Guang. “G’Night Lu Guang”

Lu Guang closed his eyes, preparing himself for another sleepless night. He hoped that the comforter obscuring his face would somehow hide the way his eyes kept being pulled like magnets towards the phone sitting on the nightstand. 

The picture that Cheng Xiaoshi took during their basketball game three days ago faintly glowed amidst the dark room. The black haired boy grinning with his eyes closed as he threw a peace sign with one of his hands and wrapped his other arm around his partner’s shoulders. The white haired boy covered in a thin layer of sweat, barely standing on his two feet after hours of running around. 

One of Lu Guang’s new chances to rewind. Was it worth it to use it now?