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"Jimmy, you're doing it again."
The sound of Scott's voice breaks Jimmy out from his reading. Scott's leaning into his space from across the table where they're both studying and reaches out to run his thumb on Jimmy's lower lip where he'd been biting it.
"How many times am I going to catch you biting your lip today?" Scott scolds gently, "I told you it's a bad habit."
"Sorry," Jimmy looks down into his lap, "I can't help it. This text is just so dense. I don't even realize I'm doing it."
"Well, try harder," Scott is looking at him fondly and gently cups Jimmy's face before returning to his own course work.
The interruption from his focus is enough for Jimmy to remember he had something he needed to ask Scott.
"Hey Scott?"
"What is it, Jimmy?" Scott sounds slightly bothered from where he's focused on his laptop.
"I was wondering... well I needed to ask... um... so there's this thing happening and I was just curious if I could, well I was hoping if you'd let me, I mean if it's okay with you if I..."
"Use your words, Jimmy," Scott interjects.
Jimmy tightens his resolve, "Grian and Joel want me to come with them to a party tonight at Martyn's place."
"Yeah, no. I don't think that's a good idea" Scott barely looks up from his laptop.
"But... um... I've gone out with them lots of... plenty of times before and it's been okay, I mean it's been fine," Jimmy tries to reason.
Jimmy really doesn't want to have to tell Grian and Joel he won't be coming along again. He's already been skipping out on their usual romps around town more often than not since he and Scott got together at the start of the semester. Jimmy worries if he keeps this up eventually they'll stop inviting him out altogether.
"Yeah, but you're dating me now," Scott's reply is cool and easy, "things are different."
Jimmy knows it's pointless to argue further and he doesn't want to make Scott more annoyed with him.
"Okay, that's okay," he replies, trying to reassure himself that it's true, and it almost does feel okay when Scott gives him a small, approving smile in reponse before returning his attention to his laptop.
How on earth is Jimmy going to explain to Grian and Joel that he won't be able to come to the party tonight? Jimmy knows he's running out of excuses and he can't just tell them "because Scott said 'no'" because he knows they'll push back. Once Grian and Joel set their mind to something they're relentless in their pursuit and he knows he won't be able to talk his way out of it.
Jimmy must've been doing a bad job from keeping his inner conflict show, because Scott lets out an exasperated sigh that has him flinching.
"Ugh, fine," Scott relents, "how about this, either I can come with you to the party tonight, or you can stay the night with me at my place."
If Jimmy's being honest, neither choice seems like a good option.
Jimmy knows what's implied with sleeping over at Scott's, and the thought alone of it has anxiety pricking in his mind. Although they've been dating for a few months, he still hasn't had sex with Scott yet. They haven't even gone past kissing. Jimmy's nerves have been getting the best of him, and whenever things start to escalate, he finds himself backing out with excuses and pushing Scott away before he even really knows what he's doing.
Jimmy can tell Scott's getting more and more frustrated with every time he turns him down, and Jimmy wonders how much longer he can keep avoiding intimacy before Scott's had enough and rightfully leaves.
On the other hand, Jimmy also doesn't really want Scott coming to the party, because that'd mean him meeting Grian and Joel for the first time.
Grian and Joel have been supportive enough so far with Jimmy starting to date Scott. Joel had even helped him pick out what to wear to his and Scott's first date. But the teasing has been relentless. Every time he's leaving to meet up with Scott or mentions Scott it's another condescending snark from Grian or a suggestive joke from Joel.
He can't begin to imagine how bad Grian and Joel would be if he brought Scott around them, and he doesn't want to subject Scott to that.
But he really does want to go to the party. Martyn is a good friend and always invites a great group of people to his events. Jimmy had already heard from Pearl that she and a lot of their other friends are going too and it's been a while since he's been able to catch up with them. Since he started dating Scott, Jimmy feels like anytime he's not at class or studying he's spending with his boyfriend or alseep.
"It would be nice to go to the party with you," Jimmy decides.
"Good, it's settled then," Scott says, "I'll meet at your place at eight and we can all head over together."
Jimmy tries his best to put his worries out of his mind so he can focus on finishing his reading, but he catches himself reading and re-reading the same paragraphs over and over without understanding them. Before he knows it, Scott's packing up his stuff and the day is already moving forward without him.
---
Jimmy nervously checks his phone again.
8:22pm and no new messages.
"You said he'd be here at eight, right?" Joel asks from where he's leaning on his car, "you sure you didn't tell him a different time?"
"No, he said he'd be here at eight," Jimmy's knee is bouncing anxiously as he sits on the curb.
"Can't say I blame him for being late," Grian's in the passenger seat of Joel's car with the door open and his feet up on the dash, "when Timmy tells you a time, it's really more of a suggestion anyways."
Jimmy hears the sound of another car approaching and he stands up when he recognizes it as Scott's pulling into the parking lot.
"That's him!"
Jimmy jogs over to where Scott is getting out of his car and he's a little surprised when Scott greets him by wrapping his hands behind Jimmy's neck and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. It's more affectionate than Scott usually is.
"Hi Jimmy," Scott's tone is melodic and he's smirking.
"H...hi." Jimmy can feel his cheeks flushing hot.
"So this is the Scott we keep hearing about."
Jimmy jumps at the sound of Joel's voice and quickly separates himself from Scott's embrace. Scott follows the distance and places a firm hand on Jimmy's back as they stand to face Joel and Grian.
"S...Scott," Jimmy's voice cracks and he clears his throat, "this is Grian and Joel."
"Nice to meet you," Scott says politely.
"It's nice to finally get face to face with the guy our Jim's been fawning over," Joel's smile is tight as he steps up beside Jimmy and claps a hand roughly on his shoulder.
"Yes, well," Scott replies cooly, "he doesn't really fawn, do you, Jimmy?"
Jimmy opens his mouth to reply but words aren't coming out as he watches Scott and Joel hold each other's gaze.
"Pleasant introductions aside," the sound of Grian's voice breaks Joel and Scott's staredown and Jimmy realizes he'd been holding his breath, "we should probably get a move on."
"Good idea," Joel says gruffly, "we're already running behind."
They all move to get into Joel's car. Jimmy shuffles in next to Scott in the backseat.
When Joel turns on the radio, Jimmy recognizes the band as one he knows Scott likes, and he says as much. To his relief, they all settle into a polite conversation about music and what concerts they've been to. It really isn't so bad, and Jimmy almost wonders what he was so worried about with Scott meeting his roommates.
"So, does anyone know who's gonna be at the party?" Grian asks.
"You just want to know if Scar's gonna be there," Joel's tone is teasing.
"What would give you that idea?" Grian is indignant but Jimmy notices he's blushing.
"Comon, Grian. It's not like everyone can't tell how obsessed you are with the guy," Joel's eager to press if he's struck a nerve with Grian.
"I'm definitely not obsessed," Grian's still blushing, "he's just a good lay and I'm in the mood for a good dicking down tonight."
"When aren't you?" Joel's quick to the draw, "Grian, you're the horniest person I know."
"Yeah, well what can I say," Grian shrugs and sounds proud of himself, "I'm a connoisseur."
Jimmy hears Scott scoff under his breath.
"Timmy's pretty great in bed too, don't you think, Scott?" Grian's looking over his shoulder back at Jimmy and Scott in the backseat.
Jimmy inhales sharply and his shoulders tense up. Oh no.
"Yeah," Scott says noncommittally, "sure."
"It's cute how his eyebrows scrunch together right before he cums," Grian, please shut up, "don't you think, Joel?"
Jimmy catches Scott jolt up straight. If there was any chance of the implications of Grian's prior comment being missed, it's gone now.
"Oh, yeah," Joel adds unhelpfully, eager and teasing, "Jim's adorable, especially his cute little moans."
Jimmy feels the ground drop out under him and the air in the car is suddenly smothering and hot. He can't bring himself to glance at Scott, but he hardly needs to, he can feel the intensity radiating off Scott beside him.
If Grian or Joel notice the sudden tension in the backseat, they don't say anything about it. Their banter shifts to something benign again and Jimmy can't be bothered to focus on what they're saying over the ringing in his ears.
Neither Jimmy nor Scott say a single thing for the rest of the ride.
-----
As they're climbing the stairs of Martyn's aparment complex, Jimmy watches Scott's tense demeanor melt into his typical cool, nonchalant composure. Jimmy wishes he could do the same.
Once they're inside, Grian almost immediately spots Mumbo and breaks off in his direction without a word. Joel's muttering something Jimmy doesn't catch and before he knows it Joel's gone too.
Jimmy's left standing alone with Scott for an awkward beat before he's relieved by the sight of Martyn approaching.
"Jimmy!" Martyn says with a big friendly smile, "So glad you could make it. I feel like I haven't seen you all semester."
"Yeah, I've been pretty busy I guess," Jimmy feels himself relax a little and put on a sheepish smile. It's nice to get such a warm greeting from his friend.
Jimmy opens his mouth to introduce Scott when Martyn beats him to the chase, "Scott? What are you doing here?"
"Jimmy and I are dating," Scott supplies coolly, stepping forward and taking Jimmy's hand in his.
"Wait," Jimmy's eyebrows knit in confusion, "you two know eachother?"
"Scott and I went to the same high school," Jimmy's not sure why but Martyn doesn't sound very friendly when he says it, "when did you two start dating?"
"At the start of the semester," Scott provides, "Jimmy's lucky I let him take me on a date. He was, like, really nervous when he asked me."
Jimmy feels the furrow of his brows deepen. Hadn't Scott been the one to ask him out first? Jimmy's stomach twists. He doesn't want to make Scott more upset by contradicting him, so Jimmy decides to go along with it.
"Yeah," Jimmy chuckles sheepishly, "I'm real lucky he agreed to it too." He hopes his tone was believable
"Right," Martyn says flatly and glances between Jimmy and Scott with an indecipherable look on his face: judging? concern?
"Anyways," Jimmy's glad when Martyn's demeanor switches back to his usual easy positivity and moves on, "I've gotta keep making the rounds. There's punch in the kitchen, feel free to help yourselves!"
And then Martyn's off with a wave and a smile.
Jimmy looks to Scott and starts, "What was..."
"Let's go get some punch," Scott interjects before Jimmy can finish his question. He places a hand on the back of Jimmy's neck as he leads them towards the kitchen.
As the party continues, Jimmy's a little surprised to find out how many of his friends already know Scott. He should be glad for it, he figures, because Scott meshes easily into the group and Jimmy even finds himself having a good time drinking and chatting.
If Jimmy notices that Scott's sometimes quick to answer questions directed at Jimmy on his behalf or talks over Jimmy once or twice, that's okay. He bets Scott's just nervous to get along with everyone. Plus it's good Scott's not acting like he's upset with Jimmy about what was said in the car. Jimmy would take this over a cold shoulder or getting yelled at any day.
They're both yapping easily with Pearl, Gem, and Impulse when the sound of a lighter grabs Jimmy's attention. His head jerks over to where Cleo is lighting up a blunt to pass around.
Jimmy's not sure why but the idea of smoking has his chest feeling tight. It's alright, though, he'll just pass when the blunt gets to him and it'll be no big deal.
Jimmy tries to return his attention to their conversation but his mind keeps focusing on the smell of the weed and he's missing what's being said. It's okay though, Jimmy figures, and lets himself tune out the conversation to focus on keeping cool. Nobody really cares or notices when he goes quiet anyways.
Jimmy's trying to focus on breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth but it only makes the smell more intense. He can feel his heart rate pick up as the sounds of the party and conversation muffle in his mind and are replaced by a buzzing ringing.
Through the fog, Jimmy remembers Martyn's apartment has a balcony. They could step outside, at least just for long enough to gather his wits and try to be normal about this normal thing that's happening.
"Scott?" Jimmy flinches internally at how his voice sounds tight and strained.
"What is it, Jimmy?" Scott looks at him and Jimmy hopes he doesn't look like he's panicking.
"Can we go outside for a bit?" Jimmy pleads.
"Really, Jimmy?" The annoyance in Scott's tone floods Jimmy with hot shame, "I haven't even had my turn with the blunt yet."
Jimmy doesn't press further. He really doesn't want to push it with Scott when he's clearly already annoyed with him and probably still upset about earlier. So he just digs his nails into his arms to ground himself.
Jimmy's staring at his shoes but he can see in his peripheral Scott's finally got the blunt and it's being passed to him. He can only mutely shake his head "no" and it's thankfully being passed over him and to the next person.
Jimmy counts to 30 in his head before he steels his resolve and gently tugs on Scott's sleeve, "Please, Scott?"
"Fine," Scott says petulantly and rolls his eyes, "let's go."
Scott gets up and heads towards the glass door to the balcony, not looking to see if Jimmy's even following, but he's close behind anyways.
Out on the balcony, the sharp contrast of the cool outside air to the stuffy heat of the party is jarring. Jimmy slides the door shut behind him and the muffling of the party's chatter it brings feels like his ears have been stuffed with cotton.
Jimmy shakily sits down and leans his back against the wall. Scott joins next to him silently.
After a few deep breaths, the shock of the quiet and cold has settled and Jimmy feels much more grounded. He's got his eyes closed and is listening to the distant hum of the city around them when Scott finally breaks the silence.
"So, are we going to talk about how apparently you've had sex with both Joel and Grian but won't with me?"
Whatever small peace Jimmy had found is gone in an instant. He should've figured Scott would want to talk about it sooner rather than later. He can't blame him for bringing it up as soon as they're alone with eachother.
"I... I can explain," Jimmy looks at Scott and his calm polite demeanor from earlier is totally gone, left inside with the party. Scott is scowling and seething and having his ire directed at him makes Jimmy feel small.
"Yeah?" Scott crosses his arms, "well go ahead, I'd like to hear whatever explanation you could have."
"Well it was... we had been..." Jimmy stammers as Scott's scowl deepens, "I didn't really... really w-... I don't know... it kinda j-just happened."
"Sex isn't something that 'j-just happens', Jimmy" Scott's tone is scolding and mocking and Jimmy feel hot shame wash over him like a flood.
"Is this why you won't have sex with me?" Scott's asking before Jimmy can even think of what to say next, "because you're getting it better from your roommates?"
"No!" Jimmy's quick to object but the means to defend himself are slow to follow, "it wasn't... it isn't like... Scott I swear-"
"Were you ever planning on telling me, huh?" Scott's interrupting him, "Did you even think I would want to know?"
"I wouldn't... I mean I wanted to but-"
"Did you even think about how this would make me feel?"
"I wasn't... I didn't think-"
"Yeah, well that's it, isn't it?" Scott's tone is cold and concluded, "You never think, do you?"
Jimmy doesn't have anything to say to that, and neither does Scott. They sit in a beat of uncomfortable, charged silence and the hum of the city is rushing in Jimmy's ears.
Scott's standing up.
"Wait," Jimmy reaches for Scott's arm, "where are you going?"
Scott rips his arm away from Jimmy. "I'm leaving. Have fun fucking your stupid roommates."
Jimmy hears the sliding glass door opening and slamming shut, and then he's alone again.
Fuck. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad. Scott's so pissed and now he's gone and Jimmy couldn't say a single meaningful thing to defend himself.
But what's there even to defend? Scott's words are buzzing in his brain. He was right, though, Jimmy supposes, fucking his roommates is why he hasn't, why he can't have sex with Scott. Jimmy huffs out a breath of a cruel laugh at the realization.
Jimmy thumps his head back hard against the wall and squeezes his eyes shut. He's not sure how long he sits out on the balcony alone buzzing around in the whirlwind of his mind before the sound of the sliding glass door snaps him out of his turmoil.
"There you are, Jim," it’s Joel, "I've been looking for you."
Joel pauses where he assesses Jimmy. "no Scott?"
"He left."
"Hm."
Joel moves to lean over the edge of the balcony and is looking out into the distance. A beat of silence passes.
"Wanna get out of here?" Joel asks.
"Please."
Joel turns to look at Jimmy and Jimmy looks down at the ground. He hopes Joel can't pick up on what a failure he is.
Joel huffs a deep sigh, and then a gentle, reassuring smirk is being aimed at Jimmy. "Okay but you'll have to help me wrangle Grian. He's piss drunk."
Joel holds out a hand to help Jimmy up off the ground and Jimmy takes it.
On the car ride home it's all Jimmy can do to tune out Grian's drunken ramblings and silently gaze out the window from where he sits alone in the backseat.
Back at home, Jimmy's sinking into the couch with his head tilted back and eyes closed. He can feel the adrenaline of his and Scott's argument draining from him as he starts to come down from the rush of the turbulent evening.
Jimmy wishes he felt like he could sleep. He feels exhausted to his bones. However, he still feels shaky and unsettled in a way he knows will keep him up for several more hours.
Jimmy's pulled out of his reverie by the sensation of touch. Grian's crawled onto the couch, leaning heavily, drunkenly towards Jimmy, and is running his fingers gently, flirtingly up and down Jimmy's arm.
"Hey, Timmy," Grian's slurred speech is teasing and airy, "wanna have a little fun?"
Jimmy's heart jolts in his chest when Grian's hand moves to his thigh and is trailing up with heavy pressure. Grian leans into Jimmy's space, lips puckered, coming in for a kiss.
Before Jimmy knows what's he's doing, he's pushing Grian away, arms out and keeping distance.
Grian sways slightly. "Awww, comon Tim," he's pouting, "you know you want to."
Grian's puts his hands on Jimmy's arms and moves to lower them. Then he's crawling into Jimmy's lap.
"G...Grian," Jimmy stammers out as he squeezes his eyes shut, "st..stop." Jimmy feels like he could throw up.
Grian ignores Jimmy's pitiful plea. "Don't think I didn't notice your pretty little boyfriend didn't come home with us." Grian's cupping Jimmy's face with both his hands, "didn't you want to get laid tonight?"
"N...no, please," Jimmy squeaks out, but he's afraid his voice is too quiet and too small, "no."
"Comon, Timmy, I'll make it good for you. You know I will."
"Grian, stop," Joel's firm voice feels like a relief and he feels Grian's hands lift from his face, "he said 'no'."
"Jim doesn't know what he wants," Grian reasons easily, "besides, it'll be fun. You can join too, Joel. I know you get jealous over our little Timmy."
"Seriously, Grian," Jimmy can tell Joel's starting to get heated, "we don't want a repeat of last time."
"What's wrong with last time?" Grian cocks his head in confusion, "I had a good time."
"Well, for starters, it was Jimmy's blummin' first time," Joel shouts.
Jimmy feels like he's just been dunked in ice water. He'd asked, he'd begged Joel the morning after to not to tell Grian that had been his first time. Joel said he wouldn't tell.
"Tim's a virgin?" Grian sounds somewhat surprised.
"Was a virgin," Jimmy objects, and his voice sounds small and quiet even to himself.
Grian whips his head around like he'd forgotten Jimmy was in the room, like he'd forgotten who's lap he's sitting in. A coy, devilish smirk blooms on his face.
"Well lucky you, Timmy," he slaps Jimmy on the shoulder a little too hard. It makes Jimmy flinch heavily.
"Mind-blowing sex with two perfect tens for your first time. Well one perfect ten," Grian points to himself and then looks over towards Joel, "and one.... five? Maybe five and a half?"
"Hey!" Joel's indignant with his objection, "I'm at least an eight, maybe even a nine! You'd be lucky to be a seven, but your massive prickish ego easily knocks you down to a four."
"A four?!" Grian's crawling out of Jimmy's lap so he can get up in Joel's face when he shouts, "who the hell do you think you're calling a four?"
Jimmy watches distantly as the two of them escalate into yelling in eachothers faces. He's not listening as he picks his leaden limbs off the couch and to the front door. He slips out. They don't notice.
Jimmy's not paying attention as his heavy feet carry him through the city in the dead of the night. It's hazy, humid, and the thick cloud cover reflects the light pollution, washing the world around him in a miserable gray tone.
Jimmy doesn't encounter a single other person, pedestrian or car, the whole way to his destination. It's just him, alone, blankly treading through the cool, silent night. He hardly has a single thought, just heavy, oppressive upset droning loud in his bleary mind.
Jimmy's realization is slow and foggy when he arrives at his destination, and looks up to the familiar sight of Scott's apartment door. His body moves without conscious decision as he raises a hand and knocks softly, lightly, on the door.
Time passes Jimmy without permission as he stands, and listens, and waits. Eventually, slowly, a soft echo in his mind has decided it's time to leave. He turns to go, but just in that moment a rustling from behind the door halts him.
"Jimmy?"
Scott peers out from behind the door, "what are you doing here?"
Jimmy looks up at Scott and whatever Scott sees in that moment makes him decide to open the door the rest of the way and gesture for him to come in.
Jimmy's feet take him over the threshold and following Scott to the couch. Scott sits down and holds his arms open to Jimmy for an embrace, and he all but collapses into it.
Jimmy hides his face in Scott's shoulder and words are leaving his mouth, "I'm sorry."
Scott puts his arms around Jimmy and rubs up and down his back comfortingly, "thank you for apologizing."
It hits shy of what Jimmy needed to hear, to be reassured of, but the warmth of the embrace is doing it's work to unravel Jimmy's turbulent mind. Jimmy feels himself start to shake, but he does not cry.
"Awww," Scott coos, "It’s alright, Jimmy. They dont get you like I do, do they?"
Jimmy's head shakes "no".
"You did the right thing coming back to me," Scott's voice is soft and warm in Jimmy's buzzing mind.
A part of Jimmy isn't sure that he did, but the reassurance still soothes the aching burns of his mind.
Here, in Scott's arms, Jimmy thinks he needs this. He needs someone who sees him and holds him despite his flaws. Maybe he really is lucky to have Scott.