Archive of Our Own

We Love Harris!

Harris: No one go on Twitter.

Harris: Don’t open the app. Don’t tweet. Don’t check tweets. Nothing.

Harris: Just stay off of it completely.

Ilya: Harris!!!

Ilya: Hello! How are you?

Ilya: I am good too thank you for asking.

Ilya: I am currently folding all the laundry. When Shane sees, it will turn him on so much that we can forget the laundry and fuck nasty instead 😈

Harris: Oh my god Ilya.

Harris: Please, I’m being serious.

Shane: Why do we have to stay off of Twitter?

Shane: I thought our ban was lifted? We’ve been so good!

Shane: Also Ilya, now that I’ve seen this, we can’t “fuck nasty” until you finish the laundry.

Ilya: I thought you were napping with Anya!

Ilya: Why do you always wake up when I’m being sexy and scheming???

Shane: You mean when you’re trying to get out of household chores?

Ilya: Eh, same thing 🤷🏼‍♂️

Ilya: This emoji man cannot accurately portray my hotness.

Ilya: See Shane? I’m using such big words.

Ilya: I’ve been reading more of the New Yorker.

Ilya: Does it turn you on? 😈

Shane: Not enough that you can leave the laundry half-folded.

Ilya: Fine! Just say you hate me 😒

Ilya: I will finish the laundry with the biggest boner this world has seen.

Shane: Thank you baby 😊

Ilya: HHSJSKALASKK

Harris: Ignoring all of this but no questions please.

Harris: Just trust me and stay off the stupid bird app.

Ilya: Okay!

Harris: Yeah, I don’t trust that exclamation point at all.

Harris: Shane, please threaten your husband with no sex to make him stay off Twitter.

Shane: Sure!

Harris: Oh boy 🫩

Harris: Yep, this one’s on me. Shouldn’t have said anything.

layla @rozysgirl81
alright everyone this is about to be really controversial, but seriously hear me out okay?

so, we all know shane and hayden have been best friends practically since they both joined the league. AND shane and ilya have SUPPOSEDLY been together since 2010. AND we also know that shane and hayden are shipped by (crazy) fans on twitter right?

but, and now here comes the hear me out part, what about hayden and ilya? pikanov if you will. I think they could totally have been together at some point if not even secretly together now. like??? that enemy/frenemy energy is crazy. there’s no way those two haven’t banged.

#pikanov #hearmeout

jen @ilyasleftboob
hold on one second i’m too busy absolutely WHEEZING to reply right now

kai @ilyasrightboob
LMAO ARE YOU CRAZY 🤣🤣

em @hollanovisreal
how would this even work? what, whilst shane and ilya were secretly “banging”, ilya stuck in time to see hayden too??? and mind you he only ever saw shane when he was in m*ntreal or shane was in boston, so there was hardly any time as it was. so what, ilya fucked shane and then he went to fuck hayden?

layla @rozysgirl81 Replying to @hollanovisreal
well he did have a bit of a whore phase so 🤷🏼‍♀️

jen @ilyasleftboob Replying to @hollanovisreal and @rozysgirl81
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF “ROZY’S GIRL”??? TAKE HIS BEAUTIFUL NAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!!!

gina @pikelover35
are you actually joking, hayden would never date rozanov of all people

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt Replying to @pikelover35
you know gina, this is kinda offensive considering rozanov is absolutely AMAZING, but i’ll let you off the hook just this once because i hate layla way more.

quinney @hockey4ever
another day on hockey twitter where I wake up and am forced to deal with the stupidest people alive on earth 🫩🫩

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35
Sorry I didn’t address the rumours sooner, I was busy puking my guts out at the thought of Rozanov and me, but NO we have never had any other relationship besides a begrudging friendship fuelled by our love for Shane.

Okay, now I have to go puke again, writing this made me feel sick. AGAIN.

#pikanovisNOTreal

layla @rozysgirl81
SEE??? SEE!!! this literally proves me right. HE’S TRYING TO HIDE HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ROZ!! believe what you will but they DEF had something at some point. thin line between love and hate y’all. #pikanov

jen @ilyasleftboob Replying to @rozygirl81
okay i know i was laughing before but seriously are you okay? brain wise? because i’m genuinely worried.

We love Harris!

Ilya: THEY ARE SHIPPING ME WITH PIKE??????

Ilya: PIKE???? THE 15TH BEST PLAYER IN M*NTREAL??????

Harris: Who taught you the word shipping?

Shane: Harris please, he’s been screaming for the past 15 minutes.

Shane: Why did you have to tell him about this?

Harris: What do you mean? 😭

Harris: I specifically tried to NOT tell him.

Shane: Harris! What did you expect? When you tell someone not to look somewhere, they’re obviously going to look!

Shane: Especially when it’s Ilya we’re talking about here.

Harris: Yeah well. I was acting based on the horrors of last time’s social media scandal 😒

Harris: But anyway! Moving past the Harris hate, where is Ilya?

Shane: He was still screaming so I told him to go run off his energy.

Shane: He’s now taking laps of the house like Anya does when she does her zoomies.

Shane: Anya is very confused so she’s trying to trip him to get him to stop.

Shane: But he won’t stop because YOU’VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!!

Harris: Hey! I said let’s move past the Harris hate!

Shane: Oh no he found his phone.

Harris: WHAT???? WHERE DID YOU HIDE IT??

Shane: In our bedside drawer.

Harris: Shane.

Harris: That is such an easy spot, why would you hide it there 😭

Shane: Well I thought the bigass purple dildo in there would distract him from his phone, you know?

Shane: Like it would’ve reminded him of everything we could do with it? And everything we did last time…

Harris: Okay enough!

Harris: What do we do now?

Shane: WE???

Shane: Yeah no. YOU told him so I’m not gonna do anything.

Shane: In fact, if you can’t beat them join them right? That’s what they say so that’s what I’m gonna do.

Harris: SHANE!

Harris: SHANE NO PLEASE 😭😭

Harris: SHANE????

Harris: Oh god here we go…

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband
Everyone who is “shipping” me with GAG Hayden Pike, the FIFTEENTH best M*ntreal player, you are all fired from being my fans 😒 I only date the best of the best who is my husband, SHANE HOLLANDER!!! #pikanovisNOTreal

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Does this mean if I wasn’t the best of the best, you wouldn’t date me? ☹️

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
BDHSJDJ NO BABY I WOULD DATE YOU EVEN IF YOU WERE A WORM

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @shaneshusband
😊🪱

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
OH MY GODHSJSKKAKAKS

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35
Seriously man?? At least I didn’t insult you when I talked about the rumours 😒

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @HaydenPike35
Pike go mind your hockey team of children. We can no longer be associated with each other.

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35 Replying to @shaneshusband
Dude.

layla @rozysgirl81 Replying to @HaydenPike35 and @shaneshusband
the sparks are flyingggggg 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @HaydenPike35 and @rozysgirl81
You have been fired rozysgirl81. I am very upset with you.

lana @hollandersbiceps
this layla girl really won’t give it up 😭 like replying to both ilya and hayden’s official accounts oh my god ???

fate @hereforhazy
right?? 😭 like i’m not even mad anymore i’m just strapping in for the ride bc there’s clearly some brain issue here and ilya, shane, and hayden are about it make it HILARIOUS

lana @hollandersbiceps Replying to @hereforhazy
exactlyyyy like this has officially been handed from hockey stan twitter to the people being stanned thank you very much

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Let’s make #pikanovisNOTreal trend everyone. Let’s also make #IlyaBelongsToShane and #hollanovforever and #haydenpikedownfall2022 trend. That’s all I have to say.

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband
I love it when you’re bossy baby, it’s so sexy 😍 #pikanovisNOTreal #IlyaBelongsToShane #hollanovforever #haydenpikedownfall2022

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35
SERIOUSLY MAN??? WHY AM I CATCHING STRAYS FROM YOU TOO!?? but also #pikanovisNOTreal #IlyaBelongsToShane #HaydenDoesNOTWantIlya

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @HaydenPike35
I didn’t ask for that last hashtag.

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35 Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Yeah I know but it needed to be said buddy. I don’t want Ilya everyone !!!!

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @HaydenPike35
We’re adding another hashtag to the trending list people!!! #HaydenPikeIsOverParty

Hayden Pike ✅ @HaydenPike35 Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Man what the hell?? 😭 You’d be jealous if I wanted your husband but you’re also mad that I don’t?

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @HaydenPike35
Yes.

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @HaydenPike35 and @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
YOU TELL HIM BABY!!!

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt
alright let’s get these hashtags trending people! #pikanovisNOTreal #IlyaBelongsToShane #hollanovforever #haydenpikedownfall2022 #HaydenPikeIsOverParty

jen @ilyasleftboob
these are a lot of hashtags but anything for mr shane hollander-rozanov so everyone choose one hashtag to relentlessly tweet along with the og #pikanovisNOTreal mine is #IlyaBelongsToShane 😍😍😍

danny @ilovethecentaurs24
hell yeah! #pikanovisNOTreal #hollanovforever

kai @ilyasrightboob
#pikanovisNOTreal #haydenpikedownfall2022

lana @hollandersbiceps
#pikanovisNOTreal #HaydenPikeIsOverParty

chiron lover @centaursworld
#pikanovisNOTreal #hollanovforever

em @hollanovisreal
#pikanovisNOTreal #hollanovforever

quinney @hockey4ever
#pikanovisNOTreal #haydenpikedownfall2022

mara @number1hassyfan
#pikanovisNOTreal #IlyaBelongsToShane

fate @hereforhazy
#pikanovisNOTreal #HaydenPikeIsOverParty and also #IlyaBelongsToShane because i love that one

matt @metrosrule
of course hollander and rozanov are making HOCKEY about themselves again 🙄 this is what happens when you let gays into this sport

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt
ah I see you are out of jail matty. no matter, I have some more incriminating evidence against you. the name belinda ring any bells to you???

matt @metrosrule Replying to @hockeybutt
fuck off oh my god. go back to your stupid rainbow shit and leave me and hockey out of it.

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt Replying to @metrosrule
oh you never learn do you? well, get ready for the police again because you haven’t been paying your child supporttttt 😝

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband
Hayden Pike? More like Hayden Pile of a whole load of shit 😝😝😝

kai @ilyasrightboob
ilya, baby, this ain’t your best one… but also you know what hell yeah!!!

matt @metrosrule
oh crap the police is here again

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt
🤣🤣🤣

Hayden Pike @HaydenPike35
When did this whole thing turn into a Hayden Pike roast festival 😭 I didn’t even start it! Layla did!!!!

layla @rozysgirl81
i still stand by what i said 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don’t Look a Centaur in the Mouth

Bood: Ilya and Shane.

Bood: What have you guys started on Twitter now 😭

Rozy: Was not us!!!

Rozy: It was Layla 😒 She has lost privileges to be my fan now.

Barrett: Just as conceited as always Rozy. Very charming.

Rozy: Just say you’re in love with me Barrett. We all already know. I am very loveable.

Rozy: I will of course not accept your love because it would break Harris but still, it is appreciated 😁

Barrett: 🙄🙄🙄

Hollzy: Hello? Ilya?? What about me???

Hollzy: You won’t accept it because HARRIS will be broken?! WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND WHO YOU ARE MARRIED TO?!!!!

Rozy: No Shane! That was the first obvious reason of course! I did not say because I did not think it needed to be said.

Hollzy: 😡😡😡

Rozy: Hdjsjskzjc

Dykstra: Uh oh, a marital fight in our midst…👀

Rozy: No look I will fix this!

Rozy: This morning I made my Shane his disgusting smoothie and then poured said disgusting smoothie on his smooth, beautiful chest and abs and licked it clean even though I hate the taste.

Rozy: And then I put him on the kitchen counter and usually Shane would complain because he is a bit of a hygiene freak but this time he didn’t because he was so gone just from my tongue that he would’ve let me do anything.

Rozy: And then he did let me do whatever I wanted.

Bood: PLEASE don’t elaborate. I am BEGGING you.

Rozy: Yeah Shane did a lot of that this morning 😏

Dykstra: How exactly was this you “fixing” this?

Rozy: Shows how much I love my Shane!!!

Rozy: Right Shane?

Hollzy: Yes, yes, you’re forgiven.

Hollzy: Now stop texting and get back to work.

Hassy: Like his work on Twitter…?

Barrett: HASSY WHY WOULD YOU ASK???

Barrett: Never question Hollanov, you KNOW this!!

Hassy: Sorry! Sorry!! I was just curious 😭

Hollzy: He’s sucking me off 😋

Hollzy: To apologise. And he’s doing a pretty good job.

Dykstra: OH MY GOD???

Bood: Please get off your phone while you guys are having sex. We love you but we don’t need to be involved in your freaky shit 😭

Hollzy: But we’re not having sex.

Bood: SHANE!!!!

Hollzy: Okay, okay!

Harris: Wait, wait, before you go.

Harris: You guys had sex this morning and then Ilya was doing laundry later in the afternoon so you could have sex again?

Hassy: How is laundry and sex related here?

Barrett: YOU JUST LEARNT NOT TO ASK!!!

Hollzy: To answer your question Harris, yes that’s exactly what happened.

Harris: How many times a day do you two have sex?

Barrett: Oh everyone has questions today 🙄

Rozy: We have sex AT LEAST four times a day.

Dykstra: Okay he’s back, so I guess he’s finished with Hollzy.

Hollzy: But WAY more than four orgasms 😉

Rozy: HDJSJDJFJ

Rozy: We’re going for another round. Right now.

Rozy: Come here Shane.

Hollzy: No, you come here.

Rozy: You come here.

Hollzy: You come here!

Bood: Okay enough!

Bood: No more talk about Hollzy and Roz’s sex lives please.

Bood: And Harris and Luca stop asking!

Harris: 🫡🫡🫡

Hassy: Sorry 😭

Hollzy: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rozy: Bood you are so boring.

Bood: I’m happy to be boring as long as I don’t have to hear about what my captain and my teammate get up to sexually.

Rozy: Blatant homophobia 😒

Rozy: I thought you were better than this Bood.

Bood: I cannot with you today.

LaPointe: Anyway! Moving on because the next thing we’re gonna get is a detailed play-by-play on Cap and Hollzy’s sex lives so they can debunk homophobia. So on to the next topic!

Rozy: This was exactly what you were going to get. Do you still want it?

LaPointe: No.

Rozy: Okay, I will send later 😉

LaPointe: Anyway!!!

LaPointe: You know, Layla really started a whole war on Twitter.

Young: Yeah, it’s hilarious 😂

Young: Roz fighting for his life out there and Hollzy being all “he’s my man, back off!”

Bergy: You know Rozy, you would look good with Pike…

Hazy: Dude don’t 😭 They’ll kill you.

Hassy: Bye Bergy, it was real nice knowing you.

Hollzy: Count your days Alexander James Holmberg. Count your days.

Young: Ooooo full named by our hockey mother.

Young: Bergy, you’re in troubleeeee.

Bergy: WAIT I WAS JUST JOKING 😭

Rozy: You have been bumped off the list of our children completely.

Rozy: We are putting you up for sale.

Rozy: Any takers?

Hollzy: The takers can count their days too.

LaPointe Andddd Bergy is now homeless and without parents 💀

Bergy: GUYS LET ME BACK IN!!

Bergy: I’LL BE GOOD I PROMISE!!!

Bergy: GUYS????

Bergy: HELLO??

Bergy: WHERE DID EVERYONE GO? 😭😭

Hockey News ✅ @HockeyNews
Ilya Hollander-Rozanov, captain of the Ottawa Centaurs, is now apparently “firing” his fans.

Earlier in a tweet today, Rozanov claimed that anyone who “shipped” him with Hayden Pike of the Montreal Metros was not allowed to be his fan anymore and along with his husband and teammate, Shane Hollander-Rozanov, started several hashtag trends on Twitter, among which included #pikanovisNOTreal and #IlyaBelongsToShane.

Are the famous hockey husbands participating in favouritism amongst their fans now? 👀

jen @ilyasleftboob
ABORT! ABORT MISSION!! THE BIG DOGS (news outlets) HAVE ARRIVED TO THE PARTY!! ABORT MISSON! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
Oh no…

Harris Drover @harrisdrovercentaurs
Yeah oh no is right. You two are about to be on another month long social media ban.

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer and @harrisdrovercentaurs
HARRIS PLEASE!! IT WAS LAYLA’S FAULT NOT OURS!! TAKE MERCY ON US!

layla @rozysgirl81 Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer, @harrisdrovercentaurs, and @shaneshusband
hey I did nothing! all i did was speak the truth.

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer, @harrisdrovercentaurs, and @rozysgirl81
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!! AND DIDNT I TELL YOU TO CHANGE YOUR USERNAME???

layla @rozysgirl81 Replying to @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer, @harrisdrovercentaurs, and @shaneshusband
Eh 🤷🏼‍♀️ I live by my own rules

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @harrisdrovercentaurs, @shaneshusband, and @rozysgirl81
Not now Layla. And please get a brain scan soon. I’m worried.

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband
@ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer and I both are extremely grateful towards all of our fans. We do not participate in favouritism. We love all of you equally and know that we would not be here without you. We are very grateful for your continuing support and love for us as hockey players and as people. Thank you. We love you.

quinney @hockey4ever
hey harris 💀

kai @ilyasrightboob
FREE ILYA!!! LET HIM AND SHANE PARTICIPATE IN FAVOURITISM!!!

lana @hollandersbiceps
lmao what’s the bet they flipped a coin to decide who would post the pr tweet 💀

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer Replying to @hollandersbiceps
This is exactly what happened and I won 😏

Harris Drover @harrisdrovercentaurs
SHANE!!!

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
I would like to reiterate that @shaneshusband and I both do genuinely love all of our fans, despite my last tweet joking about flipping a coin to post Ilya’s tweet. We appreciate all of you and we love to remind you of it! Everyone is welcome in the Centaurs family.

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt
lmao harris got his ass

lana @hollandersbiceps
aw shane we love you too even tho you were totally forced to tweet this

Ilya Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @shaneshusband
Shouldn’t have gloated Shane, shouldn’t have gloated 😌

Shane Hollander-Rozanov ✅ @ShaneHollanderHockeyPlayer
P.S. Still keep going with those hashtags everyone. Get them trending while we’re in prison. We will be back soon 😈

Harris Drover @harrisdrovercentaurs
OKAY ENOUGH!!!

We Love You Harris!

Harris: Two months social media ban.

Shane: BUT!!!

Harris: NO BUTS!!!

Ilya: 😔😔😔

Shane: Don’t be sad baby, we can use the two months to finish doing the rest of our sex list.

Ilya: 😄😄😄

Harris: Okay firstly, that’s too much information. I did not need to know that.

Harris: And secondly, you guys really don’t spend that much time on social media to be soooo busy that you can’t spend time on other stuff.

Harris: Even without the ban you probably could have done the sex list.

Shane: Let us find the light in these dark times Harris!!

Shane: Don’t take this from us too!

Harris: 🫩🫩🫩

Harris: Whatever, go off I guess. Have fun in this two months of “holiday” that you guys have.

Ilya: Why thank you Harris. We will make sure to update you daily on our activities.

Harris: I would ask you not to but I know it won’t stop you so yeah okay.

Shane: Yay! You’re learning!!!

Shane: Now let’s go Ilya. Number one thing on the list is try for a baby.

Shane: We need to get started right away.

Shane: My skin is glowing right now so we’ll have better chances.

Ilya: I’m coming baby.

Shane: Oh yes you will be.

Ilya: Also you’re always glowing, my Shane.

Shane: I know 😉 That’s why we try for a baby so many times a day.

Ilya: DJSJJDJSJS

Harris: Become the Centaurs social media manager they said!

Harris: It would be fun, they said!

Harris: And now look where we are.

Harris: Even a promotion to Communications Director doesn’t stop me from having to handle their constant disaster.

Harris: Sigh 🫩

Harris changed the group chat name to ‘We are Sorry Harris!’

jen @ilyasleftboob
LMAO GUYS LAYLA’S ACCOUNT IS GONE DJSJDJ

troy barrett i’m single @hockeybutt
ah so shane finally got to her 😭 no one messes with his man #IlyaBelongsToShane

kai @ilyasrightboob
YESSS GO OFF MR SHANE HOLLANDER-ROZANOV #IlyaBelongsToShane

chiron lover @centaursworld
#IlyaBelongsToShane nothing else needs to be said

quinney @hockey4ever
#IlyaBelongsToShane

lana @hollandersbiceps
#IlyaBelongsToShane

em @hollanovisreal
#IlyaBelongsToShane

Trending

#IlyaBelongsToShane

Trending with Shane and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov and Shane Walks Ilya Like a Dog

#pikanovisNOTreal

Trending with Hollanov, Hayden Pike, and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov

#hollanovforever

Trending with Hollanov and Shane and Ilya Hollander-Rozanov

#haydenpikedownfall2022

Trending with Hayden Pike and Shane Hollander-Rozanov

#HaydenPikeIsOverParty

Trending with Hayden Pike, Hockey, and If Shane Says to Do Something, We Do It