Work Text:
From the death of Kira emerged a new god - and he ruled over the Lawliet household with an iron fist.
“Near!” the brunette half-shouts as he enters the drawing room, where Near is sitting on the floor and doodling over a finished case L gave him earlier. “Stop leaving your toys on the stairs! It’s dangerous, I already told you!”
Near sucks his thumb, staring at Light with those big dark eyes just like stupid fucking L does, and Light can feel his irritation spiking already. At least Near eats his vegetables, he supposes.
Light frowns, putting a hand on his hip. “Do you hear me? You know Matt never looks when he’s walking. He could trip, and so could you, Near.”
Near looks thoughtful. “Then he’ll be out of the running.”
“A bad fall is not going to put him out of the running,” Light scoffs, bending over to comb through Near’s messy hair. It was so much like L’s... “But you’ll have to switch rooms if he breaks his leg. You’re the only one who sleeps downstairs.”
It was no Kira-level manipulation, but from then on, Near’s toys stayed off the stairs.
—
L had been observing these incidents for a while now, ever since he brought Light back to be his assistant. Sure, it had initially been a deal to keep Light out of trouble and by trouble, he meant mass murder - but this was now all sort of.. turning into something else completely.
It had been normal at first when it was just the two of them, and Watari was staying in the London townhouse as well. Then the older man had to move back to Wammy’s because of an influx of genius children due to some rogue lab experiment being uncovered in Germany, and it was too much, so much so that Watari had to force L to take in Near, Mello, and Matt.
“They’re your successors so you should be training them personally, anyway,” he had said.
“What about Kira?” L had asked.
“You were the one who wanted to keep him,” Watari had coldly replied. “Figure it out yourself.”
So then Light had to take over the cooking and cleaning and mending. He had protested at first, to no avail. L hated strangers in his home, and-
“Besides.. it’s a fitting punishment,” said L. “Doing menial chores is a good way for you to reflect on your crimes of genocide.”
“They’re not. But you better take care of those damn brats, I’m not doing it,” Light sneered back.
But.. L just sucked so hard at being a parent or guardian or any kind of responsible adult to children. He kept giving them candy (much to Mello’s delight) and making them stay up far too late to work and was just- terrible! Light couldn’t take it, not when he thought of how he used to take care of Sayu, who was now a well-adjusted high school student, thanks to Light. They still video-called sometimes, because Light’s entire family were under the assumption that he was in the UK for his studies, rather than his eternal punishment of being tied to L.
“Why don’t you just help Ryuzaki out?” Sayu said, over FaceTime when Light had complained about it, and no, he didn’t care that L was monitoring all of his calls. “Clearly you know better.”
“I do,” said Light. “I do know better.”
So Light Yagami, babysitting extraordinaire, stepped up to the task. He made the three boys do chores, he forced them to sit through their least favourite lessons when the tutors were over (rather than letting them abuse them), and he cooked them regular, healthy meals. Fuck it, L was so useless after all - he’d just do every damn thing.
And so after L had observed all of this, he decided that Light was, without the marriage certificate or sex, acting like his wife. And he told him as such, one day, when Light was baking chocolate cookies. Reluctantly. It was a reward for Mello’s latest solo crime exposé.
L attempted to dip his hand into the batter, and Light grabbed it in time.
“Stop it,” Light chided. “Why do you always act like a child?”
L went behind him and bent over his shoulder. He was ever so slightly broader than Light, when they were this close.
“Why are you acting like my wife?” he asked, breathing into Light’s ear.
Light blushed hard, his eyes widening - and then he backhanded L. “Excuse me!” he hissed. “What the hell did you just say to me?”
“I said, why are you acting-“
“Don’t repeat it!” Light said, furious. L rolled his eyes, wives were so confusing. “I meant- why- would you even think that?!”
“Because.. you are?” L said. “It’s not a bad thing.”
Light looked so ashamed for a moment that L started to feel a little bad. He was biting his lip, his doe eyes looking downwards at his white apron and the bowl of cookie batter in front of him.
“I’ve fallen so goddamn far..” the former killer muttered to himself.
“Well.. yes,” said L. “But for what it’s worth, I think it’s cute.”
Light glared at him. Cutely. “Are you mocking me? I’m a grown man.”
“No,” L said bluntly. “I just think it’s cute. Really. Don’t take it personally, Light. You’re still a vicious killer.”
Light huffed - almost.. pouting? “I hate you.”
“Really?” L asked, leaning forward. Their faces were close now, and Light could see the slight imprint of his hand on L’s face - and also, why was it so fucking- handsome? In this creepy, weird way? L’s dark eyes stared into Light’s, their noses nearly touching.
“Uh..” Light’s ears flushed. “Y-yes.. why are you-“
L took the batter spoon before he could catch him, and then ran off.
“For fuck’s sake…! L!”
—
“Your cheek’s all red,” Matt said to L during dinner. Light had made them yakisoba, though L still had some macarons alongside his. “Did Mum beat you?”
“Who’s Mum?” asked L.
“Light,” the boys said in unison.
Light continued eating, nonplussed. L stared at him, irritated.
“You can let this slide, but not what I said earlier?” he asked pointedly.
“They’re orphaned children,” Light said. “You’re a grown man.”
L turned to Matt. “Yes, your mother beat me. And your mother should know that I too, am an orphan.”
“No one cares if you’re an orphan after you’re past a certain age and also a crazy rich billionaire,” Light retorted.
“Oh? Wow,” L replied. “I had no idea you could be so cruel and unfeeling, Light. You’d make a great killer. A great serial killer, even-“
“Fuck you!”
“Calm down,” Near said, playing with his IQ Mastermind Level 999 Puzzle.
This made Light and L pause for a moment, and of course - the former was the first to give in.
“We shouldn’t argue in front of the kids,” Light muttered.
“They’ve seen worse,” said L. “Like actual crime scenes.”
“Let’s just talk about it later,” Light hissed back.
And so the rest of dinner was filled with a debate between Matt and Mello on some new video game, and the deafening tension between Light and L.
—
As L clumsily washed the dishes, Light sat on the kitchen island, watching him.
“You’re doing it all wrong,” he complained.
“Why can’t we just use the dishwasher?” grumbled L.
“It’s about the principle! I cooked dinner, you should clean up. The kids wiped down the table,” said Light. “And besides, the dishes aren’t really clean if you use the dishwasher.”
“Whatever, you’re just doing this to torture me, aren’t you?” L sighed. “Fine, I’m sorry for calling you my wife.”
Light crossed his arms. “It’s not about that - it’s about acting like it’s.. demeaning for me to do housework and child-rearing. It’s not. It’s… I’m helping you out, you know?”
L paused at how Light’s voice sank at the end of that sentence. He took off the dishwashing gloves and turned around, placing his hands on the table, by both sides of Light.
He looked up at him, his dear rival, his closest confidant, perhaps his only intellectual equal.
“I didn’t mean to demean you,” said L, his voice suddenly gruff - and Light totally did not feel any butterflies from that. “I.. I meant it in a grateful way. I didn’t think anyone besides Watari would ever want to help me so much. I like how you take care of me.”
Light felt himself grow a little warm. “Really?”
“Yes. It’s incredibly helpful, especially with.. you know how difficult my line of work is,” L said, his dark eye circles suddenly more prominent than usual to Light. “Not many can keep up.”
The younger man couldn’t help but touch L’s face, brushing against those eye bags. But otherwise, L’s face was so smooth.. save for that little stubble on his chin. His eyes traced along the cool line of his nose, his cheekbones, his lips-
Light flustered, removing his hands. “Y-yeah. I can see that. You need.. retinoids.”
L smirked. “Maybe I need a facial.”
Light scowled, trying not to get nervous - fuck L and his stupid light-hearted flirting that never meant anything else. “..don’t be disgusting.”
“No, really. You can put one of your face masks on me,” L said. “You’ve spent about five thousand pounds so far on skincare this year, by the way, and I just have to wonder why?”
“Skin’s our largest organ. It’s important to maintain. And what’s the point of all that money if you’re just going to hoard it?”
L shrugged. “True. That’s why I’ll just give it to my wife, like a good husband. What would you like next, honey? A Cartier? A Harry Winston?”
Light poked L’s forehead, driving him backwards as he got off the table. “Both.”
—
He had said it sarcastically, but the next night, two jewelry boxes appeared on Light’s bed.
“You can’t be serious..” he scoffed, picking them up.
Perhaps this was some sort of practical joke, Light thought, and when he’d open one there would be a button saying “You’re Kira!” or something. Or maybe a piece of the Death Note, just to taunt him.
But no - he’d received two shiny, diamond watches. They must have been worth.. hundreds and thousands, and why and where to on Kira’s green earth would he wear anything so expensive?
“What the-“ Light flushed, snatching the boxes up and stomping out of his room. “L!”
“Oh, don’t tell me you’re mad at Dad again,” said Mello, passing by with his usual nightly mug of cocoa.
“Bed!” he gestured wildly to the end of the corridor, before storming to L’s office. “L!”
He opened the door - and sure enough the detective was still working, looking at his usual 50000 screens and somehow analyzing all of them at once.
“Explain,” Light demanded, tossing the two boxes in front of him, over the messy case files - god, Light needed to rearrange those later for sure.
L sighed. “I asked you if you wanted Cartier or Harry Winston, you said both, I gave you both.” He frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Light opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish. “It’s.. it’s too much.”
L shook his head. “It’s to compensate you, partially, for all the work you’ve been doing. Can’t you take it as that?”
Light didn’t know why his pride was suddenly so hurt, nor why his feelings were so.. tumultuous, his heart and stomach now both aching. He looked down at the man still sitting frog-legged on his chair.
“That makes it.. feel a little worse,” Light admitted. “But thank you anyway.”
He should be happy, really - he’d always enjoyed material items, and L did have good taste. But he really didn’t want to pick up the boxes, and he just…
“C’mere,” L said, suddenly sitting normally.
“What.”
“Come here,” L patted his lap.
“I’ll just grab a ch-“
“No,” L said, pulling Light onto his lap suddenly - and the brunette swallowed, flushing as he was straddling L, their faces close again. “Hey… you’ve been all sensitive since the wife thing. Why can’t we just be normal?”
Light trembled, looking down at L. “..I don’t know. Because you’re making me sit on your lap?”
L’s arms wrapped around him. “I’m just surveilling my prisoner.”
Light could feel L’s arms, under those long sleeves of his. They were strong and hard, and for a second, a vulgar thought flittered through his mind, before he quickly shook it off.
“I.. I just.. think you’d be a really bad husband,” Light said lamely, bullshitting as he went along. “And that makes me worried, because.. who’ll marry you then? You’re so sloppy and lazy and.. and.. you bathe in a weird way..”
“You,” said L. “It’s legal here.”
Light snorted. “You’re crazy. Most people marry someone they love.”
“I saved you and your reputation from execution, the ICPO, and your family and you think.. you think I don’t love you?”
The other man’s eyes widened.
“I pay your bloody- Shinigami three cartons of apples a day to stay away, I eat your non-sweet cooking. I converted the garden into a tennis court for you. I.. I…” L chuckled, and it reverberated through Light’s entire body and yes, Light realized he wouldn’t mind hearing it for the rest of his life as compared to Ryuk’s horrible cackling, even without the Death Note. “How do I.. show you? Prove it to you?”
Light was silent for a moment, trying to process everything.
“Light?”
“That’s why you’re a bad husband,” he said.
“What?”
Light put his arms around L’s neck, flushing as he leaned in closer. “You’re a bad husband. A good husband would just.. say it.”
“You’re one of the smartest people I know,” said L. “You should’ve figured it out yourself.”
“Just shut up,” Light murmured, and then he leaned in to kiss L. “Make your wife happy.”