Work Text:
Setting: It’s about 1 in the morning; this is when Kunigami is still in WC.
Everything is dark. The only thing he could hear was the water from the shower making contact with his skin. There he was, Kunigami Rensuke, showering in complete darkness, conflicted with himself.
“I feel disgusting,” he begins to wash himself, trying to remove the residue left by the patch monitors after another day of ego’s torments. Was it worth it ? Was it really worth losing everything that made you who you were just to continue your passion ?
These thoughts started to fill his head more and more, whether it was the right choice to make or if it was just selfish.
“What’s my purpose now ? Now that I am but a shell, a marionette to the puppeteer.” scrubbing faster and faster, suffocating with these thoughts, trying to escape them.
A faint scent of iron filled the shower. Looking down at his hand, there was some blood on it. This brought him back to reality, the reality he so deeply loathed.
“Shit. I got carried away.” He bit his lip hard enough that it could bleed. Running the now cool water on his scratches, this was really taking a toll on him physically and mentally. Now reduced to nothing but a machine made to run like Noel Noa.
“I’m not Noel Noa nor Kunigami Rensuke, not anymore.” He started to panic once more.
“Who am I ? Who am I ? Who am I ? Who am I ? WHO AM I ??” throwing his fist onto the shower wall as the water continued to rain on him.
The ginger stayed in that position for a while before exiting the shower, drying himself up, and heading back to his dormitory. Lying on his hard futon, he began to drift in and out of consciousness till he got pulled into the dream world.
In front of him in his dream was.. Kunigami ? That’s so strange, though, there’s no way that could be Kunigami if he was Kunigami, he thought. Before he could say anything to the being in front of him, it spoke.
“Shed your old skin and receive a new one, throw away everything. Your dignity, your pride, your ideals.. You don’t need them anymore.”
Before Kunigami’s counterpart could say anything else, he shot back a response.
“NO. .I can’t do that. I still want to be the hero I’ve always yearned to be. I can’t just give up on that dream; it’d be like removing all of myself. The bit that makes me..” He sounds desperate, like a wounded animal writhing in pain.
The alternative Kunigami just smiles; silence fills the void where the two stand. “That’s exactly what you should do. Let go and be free. You want this, you know you do deep inside, after all, I am you, and you are me. We are the same. Accept it.
Fear strangles Kunigami further, making him jolt up again in a cold sweat. “. . .”, his eyes dilated, panting softly, gritting his teeth in utter dismay at what just happened. Should he follow that message ? Should he not ? Torn apart once more by this. It was still early dawn, and he was still restless from the dream, so he decided to get up and start his training.
Days passed with this looping cycle, with Kunigami slowly losing himself in the process, losing his own sanity. He was being reduced to nothing but a mere machine for Ego’s madness. There was a clear disconnection between kunigami and reality. While he was living through everything physically, he wasn’t there mentally. He would just mumble a response back to Anri or Ego if they asked, even though there wasn’t much need for communication. He couldn’t decline anything else anymore. There was no point after all; they would just go for it and get what they wanted to retrieve, whether it be data, blood samples, etc.
It’s now been a week since he had that weird dream, though it felt like a day to Kunigami. He continued to train in the training room before Anri came in. She looked a bit more concerned than in her prior encounters with her. Even with her in the room, he kept training and training, not even noticing her presence before she spoke, breaking his trance.
“Kunigami. . ?”
“.. !” turning around, wondering if she’s there to check up on vitals. “. .Oh, Ms. Anri. Are you here to check up on my vitals ?” staring at her with a dazed expression clearly disconnected from the world itself.
“No, not right now. You’ve been off lately, and your blood pressure is higher than usual. Is there anything you need ?” Her voice sounded sweet like nectar.
It was almost like she cared for his true well-being rather than just being an experiment, but that fantasy soon shut down as she continued to speak.
“We need your heart rate to regulate so we can continue with the wildcard program. Just training won’t do much in the long run without special conditioning,” her voice turning from sweet nectar to intoxicating for Kunigami.
His face turned a bit more pale once again, realizing his new reality, being nothing more than an experiment.
“. . I don’t need much. I just ask you for rope.”
“Rope ? What are you planning on doing with it ?” Her glare darkens, but before she could say any more, Kunigami cuts her off.
“For training. Prior to Blue Lock, I used rope to train. It might sound weird to others, but it helped plenty.”
Anri was really skeptical about giving rope to Kunigami. As there is a possibility that he may use it to complete a certain action.
“I need it. .Ms. Anri, please.” His tired eyes soften.
Sighing, “Very well then. I’ll get you the rope before your next check-up, but it’ll be a jump rope. If your exams don’t show that you improved, I’ll be taking it back, okay ?”
Kunigami just nods and returns to training shortly after she leaves. His next check up is in two days, in two days, he has to decide if he’ll go through with this. It’s his only chance, his only chance to kill himself, at least attempt to.
Nighttime comes quickly, and it's time to shower once more. Now in the bathroom, he starts taking in the setting, realizing there are long horizontal beams across the ceiling. He never noticed it until now. Was this a sign ? After all, the only room without a camera would be here. Trying to brush these thoughts away again, he starts the shower, falling into a numbing trance once more.
Everything goes a blur, not remembering the period between his showering and when he went to sleep. Finally waking up, he sees Ego appearing on the large screen, waking the ginger boy up once more.
“Rise up, cyborg, it’s 6 in the morning; you may start training momentarily.” His voice could not show any sympathy for Kunigami, viewing him only as a lab rat.
After the morning announcement, he got up and headed towards the mess hall to eat his breakfast before starting to train once more. Once more, the cycle continues, but this time he’s expecting something.
An hour into his training, Anri comes back, as promised from the previous day, she brought the jump rope he’d asked for.
“Don’t try anything stupid with it. We’re always watching.” And with that, she was out of the room, leaving the jump rope on a nearby table in the gym.
Kunigami began to make his way towards it, a little surprised that she actually kept her word. He stared at the rope for a while before touching it; the hard fibers danced on his fingers. His only chance was right there, his chance to finally escape the treacherous cycle. With that thought, he smiled weakly, between the time he got eliminated and now, so much had changed. This is something that, even if he did survive, he would never recover from mentally; he didn’t want to hold that burden. How was he supposed to build back up to his old self ? Even if there were those helping him to do so, it was long gone.
The cyborg went on to training as per usual, leaving the rope in place for the time being. It was around 8pm when he decided to stop training, a couple of hours after the rope had been left on the table. He began to approach the jump rope once more, trying to play off his real intentions. He started to use it as it was meant to be used. Wanting to throw them off with the suspicion that he’d try to attempt with a jumprope.
He continued to use the jump rope for the next hour or so in front of the gym’s camera, where he suspected Ego was watching. After that, he started to head back to the mess hall, then to his room without the jumprope. He’d reckoned that around the time he’d usually shower would be the time when Ego was off-screen, not watching him. He had to gamble that chance, as it was the only chance he would actually get where he could possibly sneak the jump rope to the bathroom.
When he felt the time was right, he dashed to the gym and immediately to the showers. His heart felt like it was going to explode based on how quickly he ran.
“Jesus. . .” slumped against the door, trying to hold himself together. “I did it. .” he sighed, relieved, but that relief goes away as he remembers what he was planning on doing. Looking back at the rope in his hands, he gets up once more and makes his way deeper into the bathroom. He grabbed a furo isu and brought it to the far corner of the bathroom. Sitting on the small stool, his grip on the jump rope grew, thinking about how he was going to do this.
He recalled a few years back, he was in a Boy Scouts group where he learned many things, one of them being tying rope and not just any knot; he was taught how to make a taut line knot. It may not be like a noose, but it's enough to get the job done.
“I hope I still remember how to tie it..Nonetheless, I hope it sustains my weight,” he began to tie the rope to the best of his abilities until it looked decent enough.
Kunigami began to wind down on everything. Was he really gonna do this ? Was he really going to throw away everything after all he went through ? What would his mother think ? His two sisters. What would they think ? So selfish… Always so selfish. Don’t you ever think about anyone else besides yourself ? You’re disgusting. These thoughts flooded his mind as he continued to stare at the noose-like rope. Soon breaking out of the trance, he uses the furo isu as a boost to help hang the rope on the long beam.
It was now in place, the rope hanging from the beam rocking left to right. It was already too late to turn back. Kunigami took a moment to admire the knot. Never in a million years would he think this is where he’d use this skill.
He once again stepped onto the furo isu, grabbing onto the rope and hooking it around his neck. Now on his tippy toes, the rope met with his neck, hugging it loosely. He took one last deep breath before he began to tighten it until it was gagging him slightly. All that was left was to push the stool.
“I’m sorry, everyone.. I am but a corrupt hero.” Gritting his teeth before he pushed the stool, now dangling by the rope.