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“I say we burn the whole island to the ground.” Hermione growled. “Harry knows the flame-freeze charm, and he's powerful enough to do it wandless.”
“Surrounded by dementors?” Snape asked, sarcasm etched into his words. “And Miss Granger, it is highly concerning that your first reaction is to burn things. Like me. Even though I was helping.”
Hermione shrugged. “Well, in my defense, it both looked like and I thought you were trying to kill Harry. If you were on fire, you couldn't kill Harry! And now, with Ron being on vacation, no one is here to stop me from burning everything!”
Snape palmed his forehead while Dumbledore cleared his throat. “We have more pressing matters at hand, Dolorus has thrown Harry in Azkaban and we must get him out before anything bad happens! We all remember his reaction to them in his third year.
Meanwhile
“So, you’re Bellatrix Lestrange? Good to meet you, Sirius has told me all about you. Oi, Fred, back off, I warned you!” The dementor seemed to shrink in on itself and back up from Harry. “Thank you.”
“So your ickle Potter, the one who dared defy our Lord.” Bellatrix sneered. “What do you think so far of your new home? Everything you’ve dreamed of, Golden Boy?”
Harry shrugged. “I mean, it’s nicer than where I stay over the summer, so sure. And the wardens leave you alone if you're nice! I’ll take it, and the three square meals.”
A pause. “Um, Potter? You good?” Dolohove asked.
----
“My Lord, Albus is plotting to break the boy out of Azkaban, with the help of me and the pyromaniac muggleborn.” Snape said in a hurried tone.
A pause. “Potter is WHERE now?” Voldemort hissed. “Only I can defeat him! What’s the fun in killing him if he’s already beaten down and broken! No, this is not acceptable, tell Dumbledore we have a truce until Potter is out of jail, and that we’re helping. Well? What are you waiting for? Go!”
Startled, Snape quickly apparated back to Hogsmead, then flooed back to Dumbledore's office. “Er, headmaster? You’re not going to believe this. . .”
“Oh, come in Severus, I was just explaining to Miss Granger why she can’t burn down an island.” Dumbledore said cheerfully. “I’m sure it can’t be that bad.”
“The Dark Lord wants to work together to get Potter out of jail.”
“EHHH?”
Hermione looked up hopefully. “What’s Voldemort’s policy on arson?”
Dumbledore groaned. “That’s it, I’m getting Gellert. He at least should calm down Tom and Hermione from their murderous tendencies. Hopefully.”
----
“Look who finally showed up.” Gellert sneered. “Nevermind all the good times we had, one fight and you never even come to visit me again.”
Dumbledore groaned. “You tried to destroy the muggle world! And I knew as soon as I came to visit you would start up the guilt trip train, why would I visit? Look, we need your help, and I’ll let you out in exchange.”
Gellert rolled his eyes. “Oh, so now you need my help? I thought that you could do it all yourself, including fu-”
“Okay, okay, we get it! Harry Potter was locked up in Azkaban illegally.” Interrupted Dumbledore, while Snape looked green and Hermione looked politely confused. “And he’s the last Potter.”
Mouth wide open, Gellert stood up. “Oh no they didn’t! I’m in, get me out of here and I’ll get the boy out faster than our first kiss! You were quite shy at first, Albus, did you ever get over that?”
Groaning, Dumbledore placed his head in his hands while Snape unlocked the cell. “We need to go meet up with your replacement, he wants to kill the boy, but, and I quote, ‘only I can defeat him! What’s the fun in killing him if he’s already beaten down and broken!’ end quote.” Snape explained.
“Prophecy?” Gellert asked.
“Prophecy.” Dumbledore and Snape responded. “Self fulfilling, too.”
Hermione muscled her way to the front. “Mr. Grindelwald? What do you think about arson, burning, and destruction of property?”
A pause, before Gellert boomed out laughter. “Oh, I like this one. Now, let’s go meet my so-called replacement, I want to size him up.”
----
“So you are the great Gellert Grindelwald.” Voldemort said softly. “It is an honor to meet you, sir.”
Gellert looked him up and down. “Horcruxes? Really? Idiot. Let me give you a few tips once we’ve rescued the Potter boy, you really need them.”
“Hey, no, no, no giving the enemy tips, unless you want to be thrown back in jail!” Protested Dumbledore.
Smirking, Gellert looked back at Dumbledore and winked. “Oh, I’m sure you could throw me, just like in-”
“OKAY, I do not need to hear more about my boss’s sex life, so for the love of magic, shut up!” Begged Snape. “Can we please just focus on saving the brat?”
“Seconded.” Hermione and Voldemort chimed.
Though grumbling, Gellert shut his mouth. “Now, who- besides Miss Granger- has an idea on how to break Mr. Potter out?” Asked Dumbledore, looking around at the group.
Voldemort raised his hand. “We could burn it all to the ground!” He chimed.
Hermione looked over at him with excited eyes. “Ooh, nevermind, I like him! Burn, burn, burn!” She cheered. “Do we have to kill him?”
“Yes.” Dumbledore groaned. “Now besides arson, what ideas do we have?”
“Kill the dementors!”
“Why did I team up with all of the dark wizards?”
Meanwhile
“And yeah, that’s my childhood.” Harry finished, and there wasn’t a dry eye within hearing distance. Even the dementors managed to cry. They cried out soul bits, but cried none the less, which was very concerning.
“Potter,” Rodolphus said, wiping away his tears. “We’re adopting you. You’re Harry Potter Death Eater now.
Surprised, Harry pumped a fist. “Nice, a family! Does this mean you’ll stop trying to kill me now? Cause it’s really annoying.”
“Yes.” Everyone within hearing distance chimed.
“Yes, our child, strong enough to defeat our master!” Bellatrix cackled. “A worthy heir to our cause! Even the dementors obey his word! HAHAHAHA!”
“Yeah, go mom!” Harry cheered. “Oi, Fred, I just told you to get away! Scram, I'll pet you later!”
Back at Hogwarts, Voldemort felt a surge of annoyance he couldn't explain.
----
“Okay, so, right now, we have the Barty Crouch method, Lucius Malfoy method, the Raw Power Plan, and the Sick Miss Granger on them and Run for our Lives Before she Turns on Us Plan.” Dumbledore said, highlighting the options on the board.
Hermione cackled. “Burn, burn! Hehehehe!”
“I should introduce you to Bellatrix.” Commented Voldemort. “I think you would like her.”
“No introducing the top student to the most insane dark lady this side of the galaxy!” Snapped Dumbledore. “Gellert, Severus, pick a plan, you two are the most sane.”
The two looked at each other. “Well, Plan C is the most likely to get us killed.” Snape commented.
“Yes, and Plan B is expensive. I don't think we could gather the funds in time.” Gellert agreed.
Snape sighed. “And Plan A is now being watched by the Ministry after it was revealed. I think we need to just brute force our way in.”
“Agreed.” Gellert said, before turning to Dumbledore. “That is our professional opinion. None of the plans are good, so we should mix Plan C with Plan Z, which you rudely crossed off, and just break in, muggle style.”
Hermione cackled, Dumbledore groaned, Voldemort snickered, Gellert smirked, and Snape sighed.
----
The ground around Azkaban started to rumble, scaring the inmates. “What's going on?” They yelled, when Harry saw the flames rising up.
With a chuckle, Harry explained. “Hermione is here to save me. I recognize that fire anywhere.”
“Eh?” They asked, when the walls came crumbling down.
Hermione poked her head in. “Hey Harry! Come on, Gellert and Snape are managing the other prisoners while Voldemort and Dumbledore are fueling the dementors.”
Harry blinked. “Or, just ask them. HEY, JIMMY! LEAVE EM ALONE!” The dementors froze, before racing back to Harry, who laughed and started to pet them. “Yes, yes, good boys.”
“How are you upright?” Hermione demanded.
Harry grinned. “Turns out they can control their aura, and they really like me. Now, let's grab the others, they all adopted me, and let's get out of here! With the dementors, the Ministry is a massive jerk to them.”
With a shrug, Hermione helped Harry get the other Death Eaters out, before the dementors carried them down and Hermione lit the whole thing on fire. “HAHAHAHA!”
“Ooh, I like her.” Bellatrix whispered to Harry. “Do you think she'd be open to trading tips?”
“Harry Potter.” Voldemort hissed. “At last, you are-”
“MOM! Your master is trying to kill me again!” Whined Harry, hiding behind Bellatrix.
All of the freed Death Eaters froze, before turning to yell at Voldemort. “Hey, that's our kid!”
“Don't you dare touch him!”
“It's Harry Potter Death Eater now!”
“He's our kid now!”
“So help us, if you touch a hair on his head-”
“Out kid! Ours!”
“QUIET!” Voldemort boomed. “Did you really adopt my sworn enemy? You were together for like three days!”
Bellatrix frowned. “No! We are also adopting the fire-hungry one.”
Hermione and Harry looked at each other, shrugged, and hugged. “Siblings!” They cheered.
“Why me.” Dumbledore sighed, while Gellert rubbed his back, Snape screamed into his hands, Voldemort stared open-mouthed, the Death Eaters cheered at the new child, and Harry and Hermione hugged.