Work Text:
“Oh shut up before someone hears you, Bard!” Bilbo hissed, sounding oddly breathless.
Kíli crept a little closer, painfully slow because he knew all too well how creaky Laketown was by now.
Bard grunted something unintelligible, then sighed. “Why do I have to shut up, this is your fault.”
“My fault!” Bilbo yelped incredulously, then both of them shushed each other and Bilbo laughed quietly.
“Don't!” Bard’s voice became strained, almost breathless. “You can't laugh, it feels-” He cut off with a groan, but Bilbo's laugh muffled then stopped soon after.
“Sorry.”
“Shut up.”
Kíli cocked his head as the both of them fell quiet for an absolutely agonizing stretch. He was a little scared to take another step without their voices to cover the shuffling of his boots. He paused to cast a look at them, perhaps that is why hobbits don't wear shoes? No, Bilbo wasn't a burglar to begin with, so that wouldn't make sense.
Bilbo made a keening sound and- oh. Kíli felt heat scald his face. Oh. No way.
They couldn't be! Bard is- and Bilbo is- !
His next step was clumsy, silent only by the grace of Mahal who apparently needed to confirm for himself as well, because there was no way a hobbit and a man were-
Kíli froze mid step as the wood creaked dangerously, only to sag and nearly cry from relief (and horror) as he realized it was coming from the other room. The room.
“Bard, please.” Bilbo whimpered. Whimpered! Kíli ignored the heat on his face trickling down to dangerous places and reminded himself that there was nothing arousing about the two of them sewing or stabbing each other or whatever was infinitely more feasible than.. that.
Then Bard made a sound that Kíli would absolutely never admit to hearing because if he did he'd have to admit that his eyes grew three times larger and that he almost stumbled and gave himself away right then and there. The not-an-elf-maid was a fluke damn it!
“You're insufferable,” Bard was saying now, his voice low and just the slightest bit raspy near the tail end, “I am trying not to hurt you.”
There was an undeniably- Kíli nearly clasped his hands over his own ears just thinking it- wet noise, and Bilbo most definitely whimpered again, his voice rising sharply for a split second before it was muffled again. Kíli put his hand on the wall and squeezed his eyes shut to rebuke all of the images that rushed into his head, breathing through his nose because surely, surely he is mishearing a perfectly reasonable interaction.
“By the Valar!” Bilbo hissed again, shuffling around to some unseen end that had Bard groaning through his teeth again. “I've f-fallen down a blasted mountain! I'll heal!”
The bargeman made that noise again, like he wanted to growl but was held back only by virtue of being a mere man. “Someone ought to teach you-” Bilbo gasped sharply. “To mind that mouth of yours.”
There was a split second where Kíli felt a flood of cold apprehension rush through his veins as Bilbo started making these absolutely pitiful noises, caught between wounded and sobbing, every cry coming out breathless and bitten off. His first instinct was to rush in, just so he could be absolutely sure that Bard wasn't actually killing their hobbit-burglar. But his own hand clutching the wall stopped him.
He'd fought alongside Bilbo for months now. The greater part of a year, really, and he had never heard him sound like that.
“There,” Bard said easily, all the heat from earlier having escaped him at some point. “I’ve saved the world from your unending wit.”
A dull smack rang out, either from someone bits or- the most likely prospect- Bilbo being at least temporarily speechless enough to take his frustration out in some other way.
Kíli took another step forward then paused again. Why exactly was he still here? It was pretty obvious they were- Kíli covered his face to feel the blaze against his cool fingers and bit his tongue hard- doing very consensual things. Things that were absolutely none of his business!
So why did he keep walking closer?
Both of them murmured, too low for Kíli to make out the words, then began moving in ways he did not need to see to know.
Honestly! They should be so lucky that everyone else had left hours ago! Because there was absolutely no way anyone would simply not hear such.. such lewd noises!
Finally it was too much for the poor young dwarf to bear, and he (on such astoundingly light feet!) fled into the nearest doorway. In the very corner of his eye he saw through the open gap of Bard’s doorway, saw the bare expanse of leanly muscled man-ish..ness at the same time that he saw Bilbo's startlingly smaller form holding on for what was surely dear life itself, then suddenly he was staring at wood. The plain, unadorned wall of whatever room he'd invaded.
The sounds were barely muffled, entirely too clear to his ears because he knew precisely what it was he was hearing, and he nearly collapsed in on himself with- well he wasn't sure. Relief maybe.
His clothes were entirely too tight on his skin, and his skin was all but trying to boil itself, but he was blessedly out of the danger zone just for a moment.
“Kind of hot isn't it.” A voice drawled, both bored and humored. Kíli tripped over his own boots, the toe of his right snagging on the side of his left as he spun and ultimately fell against the wall with a dull thud. Not that the other occupants of the home would notice it while they were-
“Nori!” Kíli said. Because what else could he possibly say to that, halfway falling over himself and blinking dumbly at the thief as if he hadn't been the one creeping in on private matters.
Nori was twirling a knife between his fingers, not even looking toward Kíli or the door as he reclined on the bed. Shoes on and everything, the brute. But he glanced over for a second, a sharp smile blooming across his face. “No offense, but you can't handle that here.”
Kíli only had a split second to let his confusion show before Nori motioned down toward his- “No! By Mahal! I didn't even know you were here I was- I-” He nearly choked on his tongue, turning towards the door to flee only to hear Bilbo cry out loudly enough that he had to hiss and back away.
Nori giggled.
“This isn't funny.” Kíli huffed. He kind of wanted to cry.
“Funny? I said it was hot. If you want funny Bofur and Thorin–”
“Nori.”
“Ugh, stop being such a kid. It's just sex.”
“Fine, I'll make sure to tell Ori you feel that way.”
Nori paused, his knife stilling mid twirl. “I'm going to let that go,” He said carefully, “If you get out of here in the next thirty seconds.”
“Nori I can't, they're-”
“Twenty-eight.”
Kíli bit his lip and tried not to cringe, Bard was certainly enjoying himself. “What if they see me?”
“Twenty-three.” Nori raised an unimpressed eyebrow. Honestly, why did he bother when the braids made them raise without the need for that?
“Okay, I get it!” Kíli wailed.
Nori’s near-silent laughter dogged his heels as he tried to creep out the door- Bard was angled so terribly toward the door that Kíli could see his- he gave in to the urge to run, fascinated distantly by the fact that his boots hardly touched the ground at all as he flew down the stairs and burst out of the front door into the blessed street.
“Kíli?” Someone asked, their voice muddied behind the pounding of his heart in his ears.
He looked up at his uncle sightlessly for a moment, trying to register the fact that half the company was crowded behind him on the wooden pathway, all of the rest slowly rejoining from their own various escapades. Each of them bless’dly ignorant for the moment. His tongue began to untie itself slowly, and he raised a hand to give himself time to speak while they shuffled impatiently.
“Are you alright there, Laddie?” A jovial voice asked, stepping forward to blink down at him where he'd had to grab his knees to catch some decent air.
Bofur had a big smile on his face, and he propped his elbow on Thorin's shoulder casually as he leaned in without even seeming to give it a second thought.
‘If you want funny B-’ Nori laughed in his ear.
Kíli felt the ground fall from under his feet and he pointed an accusing finger in Thorin's face speechlessly. Just what was going on here?! How could he miss this?! Next he'd hear that Balin and Dori were-
He slapped his other hand over his mouth and flung the pointer toward the house, making an ‘X’ motion through absolutely nauseated gasps of air.
The whole company was disgusting!
“By Mahal, use your words, Kíli!” Thorin snapped, glowering as if Kíli wouldn't absolutely be speaking if he could bear to form words at all.
The door opened again, Nori calmly standing in the doorway as the noise previously trapped inside became audible to the rest of the world for what couldn't have been more than three seconds but felt like a year, before he stepped out and closed it silently behind himself.
He and Thorin stared at each other silently for a heartbeat. “I think,” Nori started significantly.
“We will find some place else to be.” Thorin finished gravely.
The company made a collective noise of agreement, already beginning to shuffle their way back down the wooden ‘road’. It was fantastic, no one was speaking about it and they were almost far enough away Kíli could pretend it hadn't ever happened. Then Gloín made an entirely too considering noise.
“How would that even work?”
Balin shot him a complicated look. “Carefully, I should think.”
Kíli could've laughed, or thrown up.
“But he's over twice his size!” Bofur breathed incredulously. He didn't sound confused though, and when Kíli chanced glancing over at him he looked admiring.
“I'm going to be sick.”
No one heard him. The chatter continued, digging the pit deeper and deeper until Fíli popped up with a mile wide grin and said:
“I thought it was kind of hot.”
To which Bifur and Oín both made identical noises of agreement with and that was it-
“It was not ‘hot’! It was frightening! By Mahal, he's going to paralyze the burglar!” He mourned, burying his face in his palms to will away the last of the fever-like heat he could still feel staining his complexion.
“You looked?!” Ori yelped, sounding scandalized as Kíli had ever heard him.
Kíli’s heart dropped down last his feet as the company stopped and turned on him immediately. “N-no!” He denied immediately. “O-of course not. I-”
“I could do with a good paralyzin’.” Someone muttered.
“I was just in the house and I heard-”
Several eyebrows rose higher.
“Nothing! I don't hear anything! Can- can we just go? We're blocking the path.”
Fíli crossed his arms. “What are you so upset for? Didn't you flirt with an elf?”
There was a loud cry of agreement. Too loud! There were so many people in this god-forsaken town who might hear-
“They were not flirting in there.” Kíli groaned miserably, he could still feel tingles down his spine from the way Bard-
“I thought the burglar was a virgin.” Dwalin huffed, nodding like he was impressed by it.
Nori laughed. “No way he was a virgin. Fifteen silvers say he and Gandalf-”
“Gandalf? He's so old-”
“He doesn't move like an old man, he outran Thorin when we were running from the wargs. And he picked up Nori and Dori by himself.”
“Wizards don't have sex!”
“How should you know? He has to eat and sleep, why not stick-”
“Enough!” Kíli cried, clapping his hands over his ears. “You are all terrible! This is indecent.”
“Indecent?” Thorin repeated, mouth agape like he'd seen Azog declare himself a cobbler by trade.
Kíli glared back. “Yes!”
The company fell silent for a while, blinking at him rather dumbly if he were any judge. Was it such a bizarre request to not speak of sex in the middle of the street- platform… thing?
“How old is Kíli again?” Bofur asked aloud, squinting at him like he wasn't seeing him properly. (Kíli checked over his shoulder just to be sure.)
“I can't believe it.” Nori scoffed. “Poor lad is about to face Smaug and he hasn't even got hair on his knuckles!”
“I have hair on my knuckles!” Kíli protested instantly, only he wasn't so sure he did. (He checked subtly, and he definitely doesn't. But he was hardly going to say that.)
Fíli looked like he'd drank sour milk. “No, there's no way! What about that time you snuck out to that tavern? You were gone all night!” He gestured at Kíli with one hand, glancing at Thorin on the off chance the situation might turn on him for mentioning it. “You came home in different clothes!”
Kíli frowned. “Well what about it? One of the bar maids spilled stew on my pants and she said she had another pair like it in her room.”
Fíli nodded vigorously. “So? You went up to her room and took off your pants and…?”
“I.. put on the clean ones?” Kíli scowled. “What has this got to do with anything? The point is we need to get as far from-” He turned to gesture roughly towards Bard’s House of Horrors. “- that, as possible!”
“Mahal,” Bofur giggled, grinning at Bombur. “Do you think those stories about dragons and virgins are true? We could probably skip the burglar entirely.” The company burst into laughter, Dwalin so loudly he was nearly in tears.
“Does anyone have any coin? This is tragic!” Fíli turned on the company with a put out frown. “I can't believe my poor baby brother is going to die a virgin.”
“Hey!”
“Aye,” Balin agreed, shaking his head sadly, “It does seem a disservice to him.”
Thorin and Kíli both whirled on him.
“Not you too!” Kíli whined, stamping his feet just as Thorin said:
“Do you think this is why he has a fancy for elves?” Someone gasped. “I thought he was a bit strange, I didn't think-” Thorin cut himself off, sounding anguished.
“Can we stop talking about sex?!” Kíli begged, slowly creeping further from embarrassment and disgust toward outright exasperation. They were drawing attention. None of it pleasant- Kíli shuddered as several decrepit looking Laketown citizens started to look far to invested.
“Kíli,” Thorin said somberly, “I promise you that no one-” He cast a long look towards the company. “No one here wants to talk about your sex life or your pr-preferences-” He cut himself off, looking violently ill.
Balin placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.
“I don't understand what we're talking about!” Kíli wailed, pinching his brow to try and relieve the pain that kicked up there. “You're telling me that all of you- w-well you're not even married!” He frowned at them heavily but none of them seemed to catch on to what he was saying. He tried a different angle. “You're saying that Fíli and Ori aren't- and you are supposed to be running a kingdom?! Where would you even find the time!”
Thorin opened his mouth to reply, a light pink blooming over his face, but Kíli marched past him. “You're all depraved, just sick.” He shot at them over his shoulder, disappearing into Laketown aimlessly like wargs were nipping at his heels. He was too far to hear by the time they all burst into laughter again, and that was probably for the best.
____