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Emma lived in a small one bedroom apartment near the hospital. It was far too expensive for the condition of the space, black mold speckled on the bathroom ceiling, the kitchen lead straight into the “dining room” which was really just eight tiles where you could possibly put a table. The living room was cozy, holding a love seat and a small T.V stand. She spent more time at Dennis and Trinity’s than at her own, and she absolutely hated the nights that she stayed in her own apartment because Dennis was working nights and she was working the day. He told her that she could stay over at his place when he wasn’t there, but it just felt wrong. Like an intrusion.
She was not expecting to fall for him. To fall for anyone. She had moved to Pittsburgh to get away from men, to get away from her family. To be alone, to do this alone. Then, one night, he waltzed into her life. Trinity’s breakup party was the first time that she had drank since she had left her ex, she knew that she probably should have let him sleep in the chair…but she couldn’t forget how his arm flexed when he was pouring the wine, and how he smiled really big when she told cheesy jokes, or how he knocked on his own door before coming into the room… how he laid as far away as he could, touching the wall so that he wouldn’t seem imposing. She also remembered scooting closer to him so that he would take the hint.
She had just wanted to be held again… to feel secure. Just for the night, she’d thought. If Dennis Whitaker was anything, it was secure. He was diligent in his work, he was patient and kind. He was everything that she could have ever wanted.
Over the last year they had become best friends. They knew every part of each other. Dennis was the funniest person that she knew, and he was such a good friend. Not just to her, but to everyone else. Emma fell in love with the way that he loved his people. The way he loved Trinity, quietly and indirectly so she wouldn’t run. They had saved each other from themselves. From their pride, and from their shame. They were a package deal, and they were a package she was happy to sign for.
She felt safe with him, which she never thought she would feel again. Not after Matthew. But with Dennis? With Dennis she did. She fantasized about their apartment including pieces of her in it, differently than it does now. She was convinced that he was going to realize what Matthew eventually did. Realize that there was something fundamentally fucked up about her, the same way that her family had when she had turned thirteen. The same way every boy she was with in high school had. When sex had become something that she protested, she had lost all use.
He wouldn’t get angry about it. Not like Matthew had. Dennis could never become that kind of person. She knew that within her core. Which was how she knew that she wanted to be with him. How she knew that this was her person. Her people. She didn’t want to impose, moving into their two bedroom apartment, and she didn’t want to ask him to move out. She didn’t want him to. She wanted to live with both of them. That was the charm of the apartment, what made it home.
Trinity was equally as important to her, in a strange way. She never had close friends, but Trinity had wormed her way in— oddly, through picking at her in a way only she could get away with. Emma saw directly through her to the scared girl at her core. She decided that she wanted to pull that girl out, she wanted to show her that someone would stay. That she was worthy of love, just by existing. She didn’t want to push her away by invading her space. She knew how private Trinity really was, keeping everyone on the outside. She felt like she had just gotten to the inside, she didn’t want to risk losing her.
She didn’t want to lose anyone else.
She couldn’t lose anyone else.
She moved to Pittsburgh to escape— running from the monster that she had created, running from the man that she loved. The one who taught her how prickly love was, sticking into every part of her. Cactus thorns up and down her leg, a love that attached itself and refused to let go. No matter how brutally it stung. She was so scared at first, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dennis taught her that love wasn’t supposed to be painful. Or demanding. Love could be gentle, and soft.
Love was gentle and soft.
She figured that he was just waiting for her to screw up, spending her time waiting for him to realize that she was too much, too overbearing. That she had stuck herself where she wasn’t welcomed, a permanent thorn in his leg.
She didn’t know how to bring it up. It was the third week in a row that she’d spent five out of seven nights at his apartment, Trinity had even asked her what she wanted for dinner, and she was chipping in for bills. She knew that it was time to have this conversation, the slimy mass of anxiety sloshing in her stomach. The anticipated sting of rejection pricking at her lungs.
Dennis sat on the couch, holding her against his chest— Trinity sitting on the other end of the couch with her legs stretched out, tangled with Emma’s on the couch. Trinity was scrolling on her phone, Dennis staring at the T.V. She swallows hard, taking a rigid, deep breath.
“You okay, love?” His voice rumbled through her hair and made her stomach calm. He was so aware of her, of everything that she did. Especially when she was not okay. It’s like he could sniff out her unease, noticing every breath and muscle that squeezes with tension.
“Yeah… I just. I need to talk to you guys about something.”
“Oh my god. Are you pregnant?!” Trinity sounded terrified, she sat up and tucked her knees against her chest.
Emma’s eyes widened as she shook her head rapidly. They were firm believers in birth control, neither of them were in the position to take care of a child yet. Though they had talked about one day.
“No. No. Oh my god. Not yet.”
Dennis chuckled nervously behind her, and she felt his heart rate speeding up, she squeezed his forearm and sighed.
“I swear. I just… I wanted to talk to you guys about uhm moving in like actually. Maybe, I would pay a third of the rent and the bills. I just. I spend more time here than in my apartment and my apartment is basically a bio hazard and it’s so expensive, I just don’t want to impose on your space, and I know that I’m here all the time anyways but it’s different because I have somewhere that I can go to if you get tired of me, I just, I don’t want you guys to feel like you have to say yes. I feel like it would be more convenient for everyone. But you can say no and it won’t make me mad or anything like it’s really totally okay!”
Trinity stared at her with wide eyes as a smirk ghosted across her face, “Em. You already have a key. You pay the water bill. You’re really basically already living here. I don’t think that it would be that much different if you moved the rest of your shit into Dennis’ room. I think we crossed that bridge with the pink rug.”
“I think it would be nice... having you here all the time.”
He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, the arms that fell around her waist tightened. She smiled, confused as to why there was less of a fight. Why there was no discussion.
“Is… Is that it?” Her voice was shakier than she thought it was going to be, the anxiety that lived in her stomach expelling itself each time her lips moved.
“Do you want there to be more of a discussion about it? We could talk about it? I mean like, I just think that you should move in, but I just like hanging out with you and it would mean that we could always gang up on Huckleberry.” Trinity sounded sure of herself, confident in the words that she was saying. She was so casual about letting her encroach on their space. She didn’t care, like it was a request as minuscule as asking her to pick up something from the store.
“Hey! How am I catching a stray right now. I think you should move in. Not so we can shit on Trinity, which we totally could. But because I want you around all the time. I’m selfish like that, I just like having you around and I want to spend all of my free time with you guys. It’s easier if you’re here. Especially because then I could come home from a night shift and see you.”
Emma notices the way that Trinity is smiling at them, feeling her chest warm at the affection on her face. She offers her a smile, which was returned with legs placed on top of hers, comfortable affection between the three of them.
She felt oddly vulnerable. Unsure of when this happened. When she fell into this routine, the way that Dennis would prepare their meals and Trinity would get the things to prepare. The way that Emma decided to sit down one night and help them organize their finances because Trinity was keeping everything in a notebook that “made sense to her.” Emma reorganized it into neat columns and rows, labeled with each persons contribution— including hers because she insisted on helping with something. It was pinned on the bulletin board and everything was paid on time so no more water got shut off on a random Tuesday because someone forgot to pay it between shifts.
It made sense for her to move in. For two to become three.
—
The first night that she was officially moved in felt different, a sense of permanence in the air. Her trinkets lined the desk, and the tapestry that once hung above her bed now was now hanging on the wall behind his bookshelf. Dennis looked comfortable, a small smile on his face as there had been all day. She crawled into the bed, finding his side and folding herself into him.
“Thank you for letting me move in.”
“You’re welcome wherever I go. We’re a team. And now I get to wake up next to you every day. I don’t think you’re ready for how insufferable I’m actually going to be. You’re probably gonna get tired of me.”
She took his face, holding it seriously, “I will never. Ever. Get tired of you. Ever. You are the best man that I know.”
He held her wrist, noticing the terrified look in her eyes. His face softened, his voice followed suit,“Honey, I know you’re not going anywhere. Neither am I.”
She rubbed her thumb over the light stubble on his cheeks, grinning.
“Growing in a beard?”
He shook his head, matching her look.
“I wish. I can’t grow enough hair, but I just shaved so you can feel it. You ask this every time, you always look so excited.”
“Mmm. You don’t need a beard, you’re already wildly handsome.”
Her fingers combed through the hair at the nape of his neck and she watched as his face turned a bright shade of red.
“You say that about me, but everyday I can’t believe how beautiful you are.”
She nods, grinning at him. Her mind was brought back to Trinity earlier, gasping at her perceived pregnancy. She remembers the tension which coursed through Dennis, his arms stiffening around her.
“What happens if I get pregnant?”
His face dropped, he blinked and shook his head, confused at the sudden change in conversation.
“I mean, whatever you want to happen. Why are you asking? Are you?”
She couldn’t tell if he was excited or terrified, and she was not looking forward to finding out the answer.
“No, I’m not but. Earlier, Trinity was scared and you were too, and I’m just… If I get pregnant are you going to stick around?”
“Emma. My love, you are never losing me. If you get pregnant, and you decide that you’re ready to be a mother, then I am ready to be a father. I am here to support you in your decision, I think that we should wait. I mean, if we’re planning. But if we happen to be in that situation we would have a kid. If that’s what you wanted. I’m not going to force you..”
“Dennis, I know you’re not going to force me… But you’d stick around?”
“Was that not obvious?” He sounds almost offended, hurt that she would accuse him of abandoning her. Abandoning his child.
“No.. I. It was. I just get scared of being. I.. I get scared of being left alone. I was doing fine on my own until someone came along. Now I have two people that I can’t shake and I don’t think I could ever be alone again.”
“You don’t have to be alone, ever again.”
The intimacy of the moment was overwhelming, the emotional vulnerability too much for her. She knew he meant it, and that meant that she could quit running. It meant that she could trust herself. A trust she hasn’t held in years.
“I’d want to be married, before we have kids. If we’re planning.”
“And if we’re not?”
“You trying to get out of marrying me, Whitaker?”
He shakes his head, a bright smile spreading to his eyes,“Absolutely not. I’m just curious. If we weren’t planning..”
“I think that we could be pretty great parents. Maybe want a bigger space, the three of us is-”
“Oh, Trinity is coming along in this scenario?” He was amused, as he played with the hem of her shirt. Emma rolled her eyes. She knew that he couldn’t go a day without seeing her.
“She’s coming in every scenario. I thought this was obvious. You guys are a package deal, I think you need the other to function.”
“I wouldn’t go that far!”
“Dennis, baby. Trust me. You need Trinity as much as she needs you. Plus, I love that she’s always been around. I was just saying. If we weren’t planning. We would get somewhere a little bigger. Then I think that we would have a beautiful family. They’d have your beautiful eyelashes and your kind eyes.”
“They’d have your smile, and your nose. I think they’d look just like you. Perfect.”
She knew, for once, that her future would be alright. She had found the missing piece. She got the grades, she did the programs, she worked her ass off, and then she landed herself in the best teaching ER in Pittsburgh. The people she got to work with on a daily basis were incredible. She was able to secure a steady career. She was able to secure a best friend. She was able to secure a husband.
She knew, for once, that her future was secure. She knew that Dennis would never leave her— in her gut, despite the voice that whispered what if, she knew. She also knew that Trinity wouldn’t let him. That she would kick his ass before she let her walk away.
“You’re never getting rid of me, Whitaker,” She squeezed his bicep playfully, tearfully looking into his eyes.
“I would never dream of it, my dear.”
The security of knowledge was frightening. It was scary to know that someone could love you no matter what you did. It almost sounded impossible. Like a trick, some sick joke that they were playing. For the first time, someone decided that she was worthy, that they were willing to stand beside her at any moment.
An unconditional love that she had only read about.
She knew that this was where she belonged. Now she just had to accept that everyone else knew that too.
That everyone else wanted her there too.
That she was loved.
So deeply loved.