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Ray’s chest felt tight. Like someone had suddenly reached inside his chest and was squeezing his lungs. His throat was dry but the sip of the drink in his hand didn’t help. It was dripping down his fingers, the ice inside long melted from the heat.
Tota had just called him to meetup at Coachella but not even 5 minutes into the interaction, Ray had felt it. That dreadful cloud overcame him instantly. He was struggling to understand what Tota was saying, waving his hands, talking loudly. The sound felt so far away like Ray was underwater. Trying to focus on Tota’s broken English was taking more out of him than usual. His gaze wandered from Tota to looking around him. People walking, talking and laughing. Occasionally fans came up to them to take pictures. Ray felt like he was on autopilot. Wassup. Smile. Pose. And lock up again.
The cycle continued for 20 minutes but Ray knew if he didn’t break away, he would break. He pulled away from Tota and squatted down next to a pole. Tota followed.
“I’m overstimulated bro.” Ray couldn’t keep it in anymore. “There’s too much going on, too many randoms and you can’t even understand me bro,” His voice cracked. The last part slipped out but it was a part of the reason why he was feeling this way.
“Everytime shit, you and me say shit?” Tota looked at him expectantly.
If there was any glimmer of hope of seeking understanding it vanished. Ray bent his head down and dragged his hands through his hair. A burning sensation threatened his eyes but Ray had mastered holding back tears. What was he thinking? A whole year into being friends and he still couldn’t hold even a slightly meaningful conversation with Tota. Tota spoke again and Ray lifted his head up forcing himself to reengage. He interlocked his fingers, trying to physically hold himself even a little bit together.
Everything after that was a blur. Another 15 mins on stream of distant eyes, autopilot interactions, a few dap ups with Tota but then Ray was finally free. Away from the bright glare of the camera and Tota’s incessant voice. But the feeling lingered. His shoulders felt tight, his head still foggy.
Adam and Sara walked ahead of him, leading him out to the parking lot, their chatter a familiar sound, Ray followed a few steps behind
That’s right when his phone buzzed.
Madi
Where u at buzzin
Ray blinked. Madi had came to LA to do a stream, but Ray guessed he must’ve just ended. He looked at his phone 2:10AM flashed on his screen.
Ray
just leaving the venue wya?
Madi
Meet me here.
A location followed right after. It was only 20 mins out as he got into Adam’s car he gave him the address and settled into the ride. Ray wrapped his arms around himself feeling almost scrubbed raw, he swallowed resting his head against the window, watching the streetlights flash.
20 mins flew by and before he knew it Ray had arrived at the address Madi sent. It was an airbnb. After saying bye to Adam and Sara with promises for stream collabs, Ray walked up to the door ringing the bell. He sighed, pulling out his phone scrolling mindlessly through the notifications. He had used up a week’s worth of social energy today. He couldn’t talk to anyone anymore. All he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and drift off to sleep.
The door opened and there was Madi. Dressed in his dark blue track suit, his pristine white shirt seemed to almost glow in the dark.
“Took ur sweet time huh,” Madi looked him up and down imploringly, raising his brow.
“LA traffic mad deep you know this.” Ray smiled, shaking his head and pushed Madi out the way, walking in.
“So this where you staying? You leveling up on us OC rilla,” Ray laughed, turning around to look at Madi a grin on his face.
“You know I'm not paying for this shit, Silky just let me and Reem stay here,” Madi snorted, shaking his head.
“Hmm,” Ray nodded absentmindedly, looking around the living area he was about to sit down when he felt a grip on his shoulder. Ray turned his head to see Madi; he had to tilt his head to look up at him.
“I saw you on stream today,” Madi murmured.
“Huh? Oh on Tota shit… yeah he wanted to meet so I was just like fuck it feel me..” Ray looked to the side. He had almost forgotten what had transpired a few hours ago. But suddenly everything came rushing back. How he had felt like he was drowning. With no one to save him. Ray shook his head “It was just a little reunion I guess..” He trailed off.
“I seen you saying you was overstimulated," Madi continued, his grip on Ray’s shoulder tightened, “You got like that before too, remember? On the way to the park takeover,”
Ray looked back up at Madi. His breath caught in his throat. Madi remembered that? It had been almost a month ago. In the sprinter when everyone was talking over each other, voices blended into one giant monster, grating his skull. When seemingly no one else seemed to care Madi had patted his chest and put his arm around Ray.
“Yeah I remember...” Ray’s throat felt tight.
Madi’s hand still didn’t let go of his shoulder, “I was worried… I ain’t like seeing you so out of it,”
Ray swallowed, Madi's gaze seemed to break down the walls Ray usually put up but this time he didn’t have it in him to put them back up.
His shoulders dropped, “Yeah… it was mad loud and Tota you know he still can’t speak english… it was just too much shit,” Ray sighed running a hand through his hair.
“But I’m good now you don’t gotta worry about me,” Ray forced a laugh “Just show me where I can crash for tonight–”
“Ray, stop.”
Ray faltered. Madi's eyes flickered over his face, seemingly searching for something. “You don’t gotta put up the ‘I’m okay’ shit with me, I know you. And you’re not okay.”
Using the grip on his shoulder Madi pulled Ray into his chest. His arms wrapped around Ray’s shoulder and back and Ray’s head fit slotted on to Madi’s shoulder.
Ray stiffened his arms hovering in the air, his breath caught in his throat. Madi was so warm the heat from his chest seemed to flow into Ray.
“Just let me hold you okay?” Madi whispered, his breath ruffling Ray’s hair.
And just like that the tension seemed to float out of Ray. His shoulders that had been up to his ears relaxed. The steady thud of Madi’s heartbeat anchored Ray. He had been drowning all day, but now the voices, the music and the lights all disappeared. The only thing that was left was Madi’s warmth, in the safety of his arms. Ray’s arms finally reached up to grip Madi’s jacket, his eyes already feeling heavy with exhaustion.
“Okay,” Ray whispered back and closed his eyes. He would let himself rest. Just for a moment he told himself. But his arms wrapped around Madi and Ray let his head rest fully on his shoulder. Maybe just for tonight.