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“Papa, who’s this?”
Jiwon’s heart almost fell to his stomach as he saw the photo that was being handed towards him by tiny hands that held it too carelessly he almost frowned on reflex. His son was holding a photo so old that its sides were tattered, paper almost turned yellow due to oldness, and there’s an obvious dent on the lower right corner of it right where Jiwon’s thumb crumpled it as he held it with pain. Or was it laced with sadness? Or was it anger? Or was it joy? So many years had gone by that he does not even recall anymore, yet something was tugging at his heartstring telling him whatever it was, he felt things, a lot of it, and this is a reminder of it.
Jiwon had not even realized that he'd been stunned for too long until his son started trying to read the word written on the back with a ballpen that smudged a tiny bit. “For…a…vo?” His son, who was barely eight years old, tried reading the text. That was highly impressive of the kid knowing that the handwriting wasn’t the best in legibility for someone his age. The attempt to read made Jiwon smile and get back to his senses. He grabbed the kid towards him and sat him on his lap, pointing at the letters. “For-e-ver. That’s how you read it. It means ‘forever’ in Korean.”
“For-a-vo! Now, who is he! He’s kinda ugly just like papa.” The kid said excitedly, not even a hint of dishonesty in his words. Jiwon laughed and tickled the kid, “What did you say?”
“Ah! I meant handsome papa! Handsome! You’re not answering my question!” The kid whined and struggled out of his father’s tickle attacks then held out the photo in front of him, pointing at the man beside his father. Jiwon thought he would be able to eventually evade the question, but a kid’s curiosity is almost like an unstoppable force. Since Jiwon was taking too long to answer, someone else had done it for him.
“That’s his first love.” Jiwon’s wife mused, so he immediately turned to her with a wondering look. Is she being sarcastic? Is she mad? Is she sad? As soon as his eyes meet those of his beloved’s, he realizes it’s none of the above. She was sincere about it, like a kid talking about her favorite toy, knowing everything about it. She knows and accepts and loves every part of Jiwon, even those that he tries to hide away but still couldn’t escape the knowing eyes of a loving wife. They shared a smile.
“Go ahead, tell us about him,” his wife patted her hands clean as she placed the feather duster on the table top and sat beside her family. “Hanbin was your family, after all.”
Jiwon’s first memory with him that came to mind was Show Me the Money. It wasn’t their earliest memories, but it was one of the most memorable because even after Hanbin was eliminated, he chose to bear that sadness alone and be supportive of Jiwon instead. He will always be thankful to him for that. He was a true friend, a true brother, and a true leader. He offers his win to his mom, but he’ll always credit that win to Hanbin.
The second memory was Climax. Writing the song, producing it, practicing it, and performing it. Jiwon could never forget the day Hanbin stripped his soul bare in front of eyes he’s never met before and eyes he’s been hiding himself from. It was the day that all six of them broke down, but the first time Jiwon found Hanbin the most beautiful man on earth. Seeing Hanbin in his realest, weakest form shifted something in Jiwon that he thought was pure admiration towards the other. Something along the lines of, “I’d follow this man for all my life.”
The third memory was from the day they took the photo his son found. It was when they were producing their first album and needed a short break to clear their minds and create even greater songs. Jiwon randomly patted Hanbin’s shoulder and exclaimed, “Tag, you’re it!” as he ran out of the studio to the dance practice room. Hanbin quickly chased after him and they ran around the room like monkeys getting loose. They really do deserve the title Dumb and Dumber. Once they were tired enough for one of them to give up and for both of them to lie on the floor, Jiwon stood up to grab the Polaroid camera that was left on the side of the studio when they had to do a Vlive stream and took photos with it. Seeing that there was an extra film left, he lied down beside Hanbin and told him to smile. Hanbin, too sweaty, breathing too raggedly, still managed to smile so wide with his adrenaline trying to settle down. Jiwon did the same and formed three smiles: one from the lips and two from his eyes. A flash blinded them for a split second before the camera started printing out the captured moment. They walked back to the studio with a few more laughter and teasing, and the Polaroid fully developed as they got there. Hanbin grabbed a random pen and started writing in English letters, “Forever.” He was wishing that the two of them would be doing this thing for iKON forever, a plea that they may never change and that their love for music and their bandmates may never fade.
From there on, everything was pure happiness and satisfaction. Jiwon talked about their early career, their successes, and their masterpiece, Love Scenario. His kid and wife were smiling ear-to-ear as they went back to cleaning and played the album for their child to hear. Jiwon excused himself to the balcony and his wife let him, knowing that he needs time to process his resurfaced memories and emotions that were already replaced by his happy life right now. Don’t get it wrong, it’s not like he’s relapsing. It’s not like he’ll wake up one day and realize he misses Hanbin, and ultimately run towards him. No, he’s far matured and far in love with his family right now to even think of it. But that maturity is not enough to keep the emotions from pouring out. He’d long abandoned smoking but this time, he craves it like it’s gonna be his lifeline in staying sane. He clenches his hand instead.
The first time that Jiwon confirmed his admiration for Hanbin was something a bit different than what he thought it was, was when Hanbin invited Jiwon to his studio to let him listen to Love Scenario for the first time. It was beautiful, far more beautiful than their other break up songs. This one speaks of a love they have never experienced, and he’s already afraid to ever experience. A sacrificial love, a love that prioritizes their other half, a love that is ready to surrender if it means happiness for the other. Jiwon looked at his bandmate and saw him smiling bitterly as they both listened to the lyrics. Hanbin then looked back at him and flashed a wide, cheeky smile that shows how proud he was of his work. His heart skipped a beat. It was that moment that became a confirmation that he is actually in love with the man. He is dumb but he is not that stupid to not recognize the feelings that have been welling up inside him for the past years now. He just ignores them because all his life he had always been attracted to girls, and he did not know how to navigate such attraction towards a man, not to mention his bandmate and best friend.
For the first time in years, Jiwon let his heart take control of him as he slowly reached out of Hanbin’s hand, intertwining their fingers, never breaking eye contact to observe the tiniest changes in his expression. His smile dropped the tiniest bit and Jiwon can sense that Hanbin is confused, scared. But the way he does not move his hand in Jiwon’s gave him a sense that he is neither rejecting nor accepting, he is anticipating. With his other hand, Jiwon pulled Hanbin’s chair towards him until his knee bumped the edge of his seat. Now Hanbin isn’t smiling, he is still waiting. They held their eye contact for about a minute without saying anything, until the monitor turned off due to inactivity, and the room was almost too dark to see in. Nevertheless, Jiwon saw how Hanbin broke eye contact to look at the monitor, and he was quick enough to lean towards Hanbin and nudged his cheek ever gently so that they would see each other eye-to-eye again. Five seconds of staring into Hanbin’s dark orbs under the dim lights and Jiwon gulped his drying saliva before finally deciding. He slowly inched towards Hanbin’s face carefully, observing anything that may be a sign for him to stop.
“What are you doing?” Hanbin finally broke the silence between the two of them.
“Nothing that you wouldn’t want me to do.” Jiwon’s hand shifted slightly to caress his cheek better. “Just say the word if you do not feel the same way.”
With Hanbin’s silence, he started moving again until their foreheads touched. Hanbin inhaled a sharp breath with the sensation, lips fell apart quivering. It would have taken just another second, maybe two, until their lips touched, but Hanbin’s phone started ringing and Hanbin quickly looked at its direction and stood up, leaving Jiwon hanging mid-air.
“It's the manager… I have to take this.” Hanbin’s face can now be seen through his lit up phone. His eyebrows were slightly curled up while looking at him, as if he was guilty, or maybe even sad about it. But he still turned away and walked out the door. That was the first time that Jiwon felt that Hanbin did not choose him. Not over his career, not over iKON.
Contrary to what Jiwon had expected, Hanbin did not become awkward or avoidant towards him. In fact, he’d been more caring and he’d look at him even more. This gave Jiwon the confidence that Hanbin does feel the same way about him. So he got bold, he asked him out on dates. Whether it was in a cafe, in the studio, in their own rooms, in the tiny gap between practice and schedules, they would find a way to hangout and experience each other’s existence, just the two of them together. Throughout weeks of doing so, they never defined their relationship. Jiwon felt the reciprocation from Hanbin, but he never pushed it, afraid that he would run away. They did not define the boundaries, but Jiwon understood that Hanbin is not ready for making it official anytime soon, he is not ready for further physical intimacy other than holding hands, cuddling, and maybe some occasional cheek kisses. Jiwon thought that this would be okay for now, that eventually Hanbin will become more ready to be together, even if it’s just between the two of them, even if it’s hidden from their bandmates, best friends, and family. It would’ve been fine for Jiwon.
But that time never came. After they released their comeback album, Return, iKON started gaining more popularity especially with the success of Love Scenario. They had tighter schedules, more appearances, and were more fatigued. Jiwon had never felt more proud of his bandmates, most especially of his leader and loved one, and he had never felt more needy of him. He wanted to express to Hanbin how proud he is of him, and he wanted to profess his love to him even more. So he did. One night they were cuddling after a long day at work, Jiwon said it.
“You never fail to make me proud of you, Hanbin. I love you so much.” Jiwon’s low voice vibrated throughout Hanbin’s spine as he spoke against his back. Hanbin stiffened and Jiwon noticed it. He looked up to see the back of Hanbin’s head.
“Thank you, Bobby hyung. I’m happy to bring success to iKON. You guys are family to me.” Hanbin said as he caressed his thumb over Jiwon’s hands that were clasped together in an embrace, but Jiwon raised a brow.
“Is it that hard for you to say it back?” Jiwon quipped and Hanbin couldn’t answer. Jiwon sat up on the bed to look at him better. Hanbin remained still in his position, afraid to see the look in Jiwon’s eyes, probably laced with hurt. He does not say a word.
“Hanbin, I love you, I loved you longer than you’d think. And I know you feel the same way too, we wouldn’t be here if it weren’t the case. So why can’t you at least say it? What’s stopping you?” Jiwon almost crashed out, but Hanbin still doesn’t say a word yet his eyes pooled with tears. “I thought that if I waited long enough, you would have more confidence in us. But Hanbin, you can’t keep doing this to me forever. I have my own limits too!”
And when the silence was far too much for Jiwon to handle, he finally asked the question that he’d been keeping in the dark for long because he himself is afraid of knowing the answer.
“Or maybe you just don’t love me enough?”
Hanbin’s silence was finally ended by a sniff, his eyes shut down and tears glistening in the dark. Jiwon thought, so you’re crying. What about me? What about my tears? What about my pain? He found it absurd so he got out of the room and left Hanbin alone. That was the start of Jiwon’s habitual smoking.
Hanbin was a coward. Everytime Jiwon touches his hands and stares at his soul, he understands what Jiwon is telling him. He understands that Jiwon is willing to throw his whole life away just to be with him, and that scares Hanbin. He runs. He can only offer Jiwon the tip of his finger, but intertwining it with his is something that Hanbin cannot do at the moment, and he doesn’t know when that time will ever come. And Jiwon was an ass. Everytime that Hanbin runs away, he runs farther, forcing Hanbin to stop on his tracks just to keep their distance from growing apart. This became a toxic push and pull between the two of them that they eventually became who they pleaded not to be when they wrote the word “Forever” on the back of the polaroid they took years ago. They’ve had separate studios, separate peers, separate goals. The only thing that’s tying them together is iKON and the stupid little heartache that they feel whenever they’re apart, or even whenever they’re together but not really together. One day they’d be cold, the next day they’re wooing each other through trivial gestures that meant big for them. It was like a trap that they could not escape because no matter how much they denied it, they were in love with each other.
Hanbin wants to give it up, but Jiwon doesn’t. Even when Jiwon was hurting Hanbin, going out with other people, ignoring him, and disregarding his feelings, he knows that Jiwon’s heart still belongs to him. He knows that when he actually gives up, Jiwon would suffer more than he is now. This setup lasted for more than a year, draining Hanbin to the core.
Yang Hyunsuk seemed to have noticed this despite iKON’s manager hiding it from him during their status reports. He doesn’t know what exactly was making Hanbin feel that way, he does not know the affair two of his artists were having, but he knows that Hanbin was less motivated and only a small nudge would make him tip over. And instead of helping him, Yang Hyunsuk took it against Hanbin. He thought, if Hanbin is not that enthusiastic about work anymore, then he is useless to the company. How dare he, after everything I have done and spent for them, he dares look at me with eyes that are ready to leave the company once he’s tired of it? I won’t let him get away that easily.
So when his favorite artist gets caught up in a crime, Yang Hyunsuk does his best to cover it up. And the most effective way for it? Opening Pandora’s box. He released an “insider info” regarding Hanbin’s sensitive past, something that is not even half as bad as what his favorite artist did. He weaponized it thinking that the media would focus on one of the generation’s best songwriters instead of the issue he’d been covering up for. At the same time, this would also be payback for Hanbin even thinking about leaving YG ungratefully.
When Hanbin heard of the news, his manager was fuming mad and frustrated but he did not direct it towards Hanbin. He was mad at something else– maybe someone else. Hanbin understood that someone from the higher ups had set him up. It was very timely, and Hanbin was smart enough to notice that. In the end, he smiled at his manager and said it was okay, and said his gratitude towards the man who supported him for years now. The manager shed a tear with Hanbin’s endless kindness, all he could do was apologize as he accepted the latter’s indirect way of saying goodbye.
“Is your decision final?” Their manager asked, confirming for one last time before he would send out the official announcement message to their group chat.
“Yes. Please, inform them immediately. I cannot prolong this any further.”
“They’re gonna come here soon and I won't be able to stop them. Will you be alright?”
“Yes. Thank you, hyung.”
As anticipated, a series of knocks bombarded his door not long after, and some voices could be heard from outside saying, “Calm down.” “Don’t be aggressive, hyung.”
Hanbin opened the door and the first thing he met was Jiwon’s hand clenching on the collar of his shirt, then his eyes beneath furrowed eyebrows. On his peripheral he can see Jinhwan and Donghyuk holding his arms on both sides, but their eyes were looking at Hanbin with sadness and confusion. Finally, Jiwon let go of him with a push, and the rest of iKON came in.
“Bin…” Their eldest started. “Let’s not be too rash about this, okay? We can make things work out, as long as we’re together.” Jinhwan held their leader’s hand and caressed it ever so gently, gulping to push back the lump forming in his throat. At any moment now, all of them may burst into a cry, but Hanbin was too tired to even process his emotions right now.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m sorry, everyone. We all know how serious of a topic drugs are in the country. I can’t put shame on the name of our group. I want you guys to at least secure a path to success even if it’s without me anymore.” Hanbin said, looking at each of his members as this may be the last time he’ll be able to do so. It’s unfortunate that my last moments with them are not filled with smiles and laughter, but I can’t be too selfish like that. He thought.
“But you made this path for us, you carried us on your shoulder from the beginning, and it will all be pointless if you’re not with us anymore!” Yunhyeong stood up as he exclaimed that last part, tears welling up in his eyes. Jinhwan couldn’t hold it in any longer and had been silently crying beside Hanbin as the group all shared their sentiments and pleas to Hanbin, begging him to reconsider and stay with them. At one point, Donghyuk even considered leaving the group with him, but Jiwon pulled him back to his seat, and he finally stood up.
“Was it me? Was I too cruel to you? Did I tire you out? I know damn well you’re not giving up this easily because of some issue. Should I have stopped my heart from the beginning?”
Silence. All that they could hear was the members’ sniffles. Jiwon took three long strides to close their distance and his members called him out, afraid he would punch the silent man sitting. But no, Jiwon could never do that to him. After a year of playing along the lines of an undefined relationship, he finally broke down. His shell cracked and fell down piece by piece, unraveling a vulnerable, afraid, and alone Jiwon. When the distance between them was closed, Jiwon fell to his knees and cried his heart out while gripping Hanbin’s knees. He’s murmuring the words, “please,” “I can’t do this…”
“Hanbin, I really, really, really love you. I’d do anything for you, I’d change! I won’t be an ass anymore. I’ll do anything you want! Just please stay with me, stay with us.” Jiwon begged him on his knees, holding Hanbin’s hand and intertwining it with his like he always did, only this time it was tight and trembling, aware that if he lets go, even their fingertips won’t ever meet again.
“Bobby…” Hanbin finally broke his silence. “Jiwon hyung. You are the greatest thing I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I mean that. But I’m a coward. I’ve always been weak. The issue, they’re all real. I… I can’t be the one to make you happy, to make all of us happy. It was all fake from the beginning. I lied to you all.”
Jiwon had a way of bringing out the real version of Hanbin in him, the rawest, barest form he has and even after all this time, after all these things, he was still able to strip down the walls of Hanbin. He tried really hard not to break down in front of his members, but with Jiwon being like that, only a heartless man would not budge.
“I’m sorry, until the end, I couldn’t say it back.” Hanbin held Jiwon’s hand tightly on his own before letting it go and standing up, facing everyone else. “Jinhwan hyung, Yunhyeong hyung, Donghyuk, Chanwoo, Junhoe, growing up with you has been a privilege. I will always cherish our journey together, and I will always watch you guys from afar when we’re apart. I’m really sorry it had to end like this. I wish you all the best, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.”
Hanbin said with tearstained cheeks, reddened eyes, and a painfully sweet smile. Even though it was his place, he walked out the door to give his members some space to process his sudden departure. Even until the end, they do not feel any resentment towards him. Instead, they felt pity, and regret that they did not notice when Hanbin needed them the most. Yunhyeong left a home-cooked meal he prepared for Hanbin in his fridge before urging everyone to move on. Junhoe agreed saying, “It must have been hard for him as well, we can’t let this ruin what’s left of us.” Chanwoo was next to stand up and patted the backs of his hyungs.
On the ride home, Donghyuk addressed the elephant in the room.
“So there was something going on between the two of you. I’m sorry we did not notice it earlier. We could have shown our support. It might be what he needed.”
“I’m sorry, it was my fault.”
Jinhwan felt distant towards Jiwon for a while after knowing how he treated Hanbin over the past year, but ultimately forgave him because they all shared a fault in Hanbin’s departure. Eventually, they moved on, got back on their careers, and Jiwon fell in love and had a family of his own.
What happened between him and Hanbin was truly a love scenario. They loved, they met, and that’s all there ever was to it. There were too many things left unsaid. And even if Jiwon wanted to think that it was all one sided because he never said it back, he knows that Hanbin truly loved him more than words could say. In the course of one year being in love, they never even shared a kiss. It was a bitter first love story for Jiwon, but Hanbin remained beautiful in his memories. Maybe that was really the purpose of their encounter.
The sliding door opened and Jiwon was pulled back to reality. There, he sees his wife walking towards him with a newly bought pack of cigarettes, lighter, and an aged journal which Jiwon recognized as his diary where he put all the things that he wanted to tell Hanbin, but could no longer do so. This was also where Donghyuk got the inspiration to write Flower with him, the song that Jiwon dedicates to saying goodbye to his feelings, to Hanbin, to his first love, almost half a year after it ended. It was also around that time where Jiwon met his wife.
He smiled, realizing that this was where she learned the true story between him and his old friend, his first love. But it did not matter anymore. Jiwon shook his head, grabbed the things in her hand, and threw it on the nearest trash bin. Her wife may feel bad that it was a newly bought pack and it was expensive, but Jiwon was a provider for a reason and he only laughed at her petty worries. He planted a soft kiss on her lips, grateful for being an understanding and loving wife, and held her hand as they walked back inside.