Chapter Text
Ever since the Astral Express had landed on the Luofu, Jing Yuan’s life had become much more complicated. Sure, being the General of an entire army and fighting against the denizens of the abundance was a big responsibility, but it was comfortable and familiar, it was what he had known for so many centuries. But when those who follow the Path of Trailblaze had entered the equation, it certainly gave him more problems than he was willing to acknowledge.
Of course, at the forefront of this was his unforeseen reunion with what remained of the High Cloud Quintet. Being the only one still in his original state from the old group of friends, it broke his heart a million times over to have to deal with it. Knowing that they either didn’t remember each other as fondly as he did or just didn’t care, and that they would treat each other with such disdain. He had hoped a day like that would never come, and to be forced to experience such emotions hurt him greatly.
Though what he didn’t expect was how some of the members of the Express influenced him; particularly the duo of Stelle and March. It was obvious to him instantly that they were in love, it was clear that their connection was deeper than anything he had seen before. Yet, the thing about the duo that really took him by surprise was finding out that these two beautiful young girls had both been born as boys. This concept was not only foreign to him but to all of the Xianzhou, and yet it struck him deep to his core and bothered him more than he wanted to admit.
In typical Jing Yuan fashion though, he wasn’t going to talk to anyone about it. He had been able to repress everything else that had hurt him so far and he wasn’t about to change his ways now. Though this time he knew others had noticed something was up, his relaxed facade had slipped up on multiple occasions and it had been starting to get in the way of his duties as the General of the Luofu.
All this had come to a head by the time of the Luminary Wardance Ceremony, where the borisin had freed Hoolay and caused a great number of problems as a result of Jing Yuan’s own complacency. Worst of all from this situation was his student Yanqing being put in a coma from being gravely harmed during the attacks.
Yanqing was the closest thing Jing Yuan had left to family, having trained him from such a young age to eventually one day take the spot of General of the Luofu when it was Jing Yuan’s time to step down. He saw so much potential in the boy, and knowing he could’ve prevented the harm that came his way broke his heart. To then have the issue cleaned up by the transfem members of the Astral Express working alongside Feixiao of the Xianzhou Yaoqing? It was enough to give Jing Yuan his first ever panic attack.
Somehow managing to arrive at his quarters before it truly manifested in full force and stumbling onto his bed. He didn’t remember how he got here, he didn’t remember taking his clothes off, he didn’t know why his breathing was so erratic. The room was spinning, everything was spinning so fast. Images of Stelle and March kept flashing in his mind, but why? Why are their identities so important to him? He looked down at his own body as tears started forming, a singular thought entering his mind. “Why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I be a woma-”.
A knock at the door interrupted his spiralling, giving him something to tether himself to. As his breathing and heart rate began to stabilise, he wrestled with his nerves and spoke up.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me, Fu Xuan, may I come in?”
Jing Yuan suddenly became conscious of his naked body and a few things happened, firstly he stumbled over his answer, he managed to force out a “J-just a moment” before he ran to find some robes to put on, they were white with gold highlights much like most of his other clothes. By far the most unexpected yet significant thing to happen here was the dread he felt looking down at his body, after so many years of training and battle it bore plenty of scars across his chest, stomach and arms. Really though, what bothered him were the masculine parts, his flat chest, pronounced shoulders and of course, his penis. It upset him to an indescribable degree to look at them, but he wouldn’t acknowledge that at this moment… or so he thought.
The doorknob began to turn despite no confirmation of his readiness to Fu Xuan, but at least he was wearing clothes. He quickly sat on the edge of the bed and looked towards the window of his room. Quickly glancing at his cat-turned-lion Mimi who had been sleeping soundly just underneath the window before Jing Yuan had even arrived back at his quarters.
Fu Xuan looked around the room, there was a crack in the curtain to let birds come and go as they pleased, it also gave her enough light to see him clearly. She looked directly at him and saw emotions she had never seen on the General’s face before, so many emotions that she didn’t even know where to begin. Pain, regret, disappointment, envy, none of them appeared to be good. Despite this, he tried his best to put on his usual act as he talked to her.
“What seems to be the matter, Master Diviner? It is quite late, you know.” He said in a blunt manner, atypical for a man known for his non-chalant and relaxed attitude. Fu Xuan picked up on this and for the first time in a long while she did something even she didn’t expect, she embraced him.
“Something isn’t quite right is it, Jing Yuan?” She replied in her ever-assertive tone of voice.
He gave a small chuckle in response, and hugged her back of course. After all, this was a once in a lifetime event that he was involved in. “Nothing gets past you, does it?” He sighed. “I’ve had a lot on my mind ever since the events involving the Astral Express transpired.”
Fu Xuan ended the embrace as quickly as it had started and nodded at him. “Hmm, I suppose it has something to do with your reunion with the other members of your quintet?” She pondered, although she already knew the answer. Nothing got past Fu Xuan when it came to Jing Yuan, at least that's what she believed.
Jing Yuan looked away from her, knowing where this conversation was going to go from here. Fu Xuan was not the kind of person to leave without getting the whole truth and he knew that whilst she was his friend, she was also his colleague. Being the General was a job that required full transparency with the Master Diviner, so to the white-haired man this was not a conversation he wanted to be having at this moment.
“Yes, that is certainly weighing a lot on my mind… but unfortunately it isn’t the main issue.” He said with an air of uncertainty, trying his best to face the problem head on.
This did come as something of a shock to Fu Xuan, she thought to herself maybe it was something to do with the Hoolay situation? An unsavoury conversation with Yanqing as he’s started to reach… those years of his life…? She shook her head, to avoid the guessing games she decided to ask instead.
“Well, would you mind sharing what this other issue is in that case?” She asserted back.
No, Jing Yuan wanted nothing more than to shoot down this conversation. He wanted her to leave him alone. Let him go back to suffering alone in his room. To not have to confront these feelings he had been having for a while now. He wanted to sleep. The one thing he felt he was still good at, the one thing he couldn’t fail at. But even this wasn't true, he had been getting terrible sleep recently due to these thoughts. He just wanted to escape.
From Fu Xuan’s perspective, she saw a long pause. She saw the General in the most vulnerable state she had ever seen him, gripping his knees tightly and looking anywhere except towards her. His breathing became slowly more rapid and shallow. This was… not what she expected. She approached him again before things spiralled out of control, crouched down and placed one hand on his own hands. This grabbed his attention and she looked deeply into his eyes. To try to figure out what was wrong in some parts, but to also show that he could trust her with anything without having to say it.
The General was able to control his breathing and thoughts thanks to this. He looked at Fu Xuan and gave a weak smile, before he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Then gave a small whistle which alerted Mimi to the presence of the two individuals now in the room. She was immediately able to sense something was wrong and jumped onto the bed to rest on Jing Yuan’s lap. This immediately comforted him further, over the years Mimi had been a rock for him and felt like his only family left. So Mimi had developed quite a strong ability to recognise when Jing Yuan needed her, and resting on Jing Yuan’s lap so he could pet her and groom calming for the both of them. With this, he prepared to tell her the whole truth in one go.
“I have lived a long life on the Luofu. I’ve seen many things, I’ve fought many battles.” He paused, the first of many. “I lost my greatest friends, I even considered them family. I’ve been General for more years than I can possibly count.”
He looked towards the window briefly, then back at Fu Xuan. “When the Express arrived here, there were many things that I saw that I didn’t expect. Of course, meeting what remained of my old family was one of those things. But those two girls, Stelle and March…” Here we go, he thought, this is it. “When Dan Heng told me that they hadn’t always been girls, I didn’t believe such a thing was possible. Their relationship as well… It was purer than anything I have ever seen. I… realised I need what they have, I can’t…”
He brushed off Fu Xuan, stood up and walked towards the window. Opening it fully, before turning around and giving her the most confident stare he could muster in this moment. “If I am going to keep living my life, it is going to be on my terms. So many years I have lived the life I thought the Luofu wanted me to live. My parents wanted me to live. What my Quintet wanted me to live. Meeting those girls made me realise this is not the life I want. I need to find love, and I need to… be a girl.”
Jing Yuan didn’t know what might be going through Fu Xuan’s head upon hearing this, but he didn’t have to wait very long as he saw her raise an eyebrow before opening her mouth to reply.
“So, you no longer want to be the General?” She asked plainly. Not what Jing Yuan had expected, but despite that was still a valid question.
He looked back out the window, tempted to pull the curtains back in but decided against it. Instead he thought for a while before giving his answer. “I guess if that's what it takes, I’ll move forward with my life and do something different.” He didn’t really know what to think or how to feel about that, having been the General of the Luofu had been his life for as long as he could remember. Could he really just move on from it so easily? What would he even do instead? He didn’t really know the answers, but he knew the decision was right.
Fu Xuan saw the determination in his face and nodded. “Very well, in regards to the other thing. Have you thought much about how you intend to become a girl? I can’t say I really know how any of that is supposed to work, though I understand that it is possible.” She could instantly tell from his face that he hadn’t thought that far ahead, so she decided to nudge him in the right direction. “You should go talk to the girls on the Express before it leaves tomorrow.”
A small smile crept onto his face. “You’re right, I’ll do that right away.” She always knew a way forward, of course he should talk to them whilst he still had the chance.
She gave a small nod to that and started to walk towards the door to retire for the night. As she grabbed the handle she glanced back at him and sighed. “I wish you the best with your endeavours, but I want you to also consider the implications for all this. All the paperwork I’ll have to do and finding a fit replacement as the General isn’t easy you know.”
This got a laugh out of Jing Yuan. “My deepest apologies for how this might complicate your work, Master Diviner. Enjoy your night and we’ll speak soon.” She nodded and left without another word. Fu Xuan was always pragmatic and blunt, she would never sit around and hide what she was thinking, those around her at any given moment were at the mercy of receiving all of her thoughts. It was amusing, it was intriguing, it was even annoying, but above all it was the Master Diviner, Fu Xuan.
With that, Jing Yuan was alone again. The work was far from over, but it felt like the first step had been made to address that long standing void he felt in his chest. He laid down on his bed, cuddled his pet cat (who had been peacefully sleeping on his bed the whole time) and did his best to get some rest before what he knew was going to be a difficult next day.
It would be even more difficult than he expected when he did come to wake up. It was his first remotely peaceful sleep he had experienced since he began yearning for a new life, and sleeping well for Jing Yuan only meant one thing: oversleeping. This fact was made all the more apparent by the banging he could hear on his door.
He attempted to get to the door as fast as he could, and this was not achieved gracefully. His poor cat was woken from her sleep, he effectively flopped out of bed onto the floor, clambered up onto his legs and ran to his door. As soon as he opened it he was met with a less-than-pleased Fu Xuan, who quickly began to berate him.
“You do realise the Express is leaving within the hour? Did you just give up on your plans or is your sleep just that much more important?”
Before he had the time to reply, she began making her leave. She had no other business, certainly entertaining a conversation like that was not something she cared to do. So she went back about her day and let Jing Yuan figure out his plan of attack by himself now that he was actually awake.
Of course, from Jing Yuan’s end this was almost a worst case scenario. He was teetering on the edge of missing what he thought to be a potentially life-changing conversation and now he was going to have to go alone because he had upset his friend too. He really did not want to do this alone, Stelle and March were lovely but talking about something as personal as this was absolutely not something he enjoyed, or had done at all in centuries really (until last night, he supposed). Despite the emotional turmoil he did his best to make the most of the opportunity Fu Xuan had given him by waking him up so unceremoniously. He changed into his typical clothes, red pants, black shirt, white coat and boots before heading out to make his way to hopefully get to the Express before its inevitable departure.
He knew that the docking bay was not too far from his own quarters, and that a trip by starskiff would get him there in no time. His mind continued to race, he knew that there would be no issue with making it there to have the conversation but that also meant that he… had to have the conversation. There was no escaping it, as much as he wanted this conversation, as much as he wanted to know how to become a girl, as much as he desired to live a life for himself. It was also terrifying, he had trained his whole life to keep his guard up. Of course, this was only done for combat purposes initially, but with how his life unfolded he slowly adopted such an attitude to his personal life too. Over 700 years since he had felt comfortable with talking to someone like this… he really didn’t believe he would be able to do it, but he had to try anyway.
The docking bay came into view and he began to feel his heartbeat accelerate rapidly. He shut his eyes tightly, grasped his chest with immense strength and tried to think of ways to ground himself in reality. The fog of anxieties and fears clouded his mind entirely, and it frustrated him to his very core. It reminded him of when Jingliu would force him to spar with her whilst blindfolded.
Then the solution came to him, if he could keep his guard up for combat and emotions alike, surely he could also treat his thoughts like war too? He closed his eyes, imagined a chess board in front of him, except instead of imagining them as soldiers and resources he instead began to think of them as individual feelings, thoughts and emotions.
As quickly as his heart rate had accelerated, he could similarly feel it drop almost instantly. This was much more his territory. Whilst he could still feel the fog around him, he had trained to become one with it and to not fear it. He would see this battle through to the final conclusion regardless of what it would take. Despite that, he still felt a sort of uneasiness. After all this was unchartered territory for him. Looming within him were doubts, would he know how to play his pieces? Would he be able to develop his board appropriately? Could he find the winning move? In the context of conflict, this was almost a certainty, but in a social setting where he would be confiding in friends and opening up his true thoughts? He wasn't so confident in his ability to succeed, but he knew he would try his best to find the outcome he desired.
With him being so deep in thought, it almost came as a shock to him that the starskiff had already landed in the docking bay, and the Astral Express was merely at the opposite side of this particular bay too. As he stepped out of the floating vehicle he noticed Dan Heng was standing outside of the space-voyaging train that his former friend now called home. It was very obvious that he was looking directly at the General too, with his signature expression that rested somewhere between neutral and contemplative. It was a face that Jing Yuan knew all too well, one that had driven many people away from trying to get to know the former Imbibitor Lunae but one that he and the rest of the quintet had always felt comfortable around. Though this time it felt unsettling, as their lack of relationship and Dan Heng’s ambivalence towards the Xianzhou and his history with the Quintet meant that even Jing Yuan was unsure of what was about to unfold. So all he could do was bite the bullet and approach him.
“I had a feeling you’d be paying us a visit before we departed.” the brunette said matter-of-factly, as he closed his eyes and crossed his arm, another signature mannerism of his.
Jing Yuan couldn’t hide his smirk as the anxieties he was previously feeling began to fade, the Dan Feng he once knew was astute beyond words and was always significantly better at getting a read on other people compared to the General. Even though so much had changed since he had become Dan Heng, he was still one of the only people that could read Jing Yuan’s emotions with ease.
“I have something I would like to discuss with March and Stelle,” The General hesitated on whether to say anything more, before adding. “But if you wanted to have a conversation once I have finished my business with the two of them, I would be happy to.”
He instantly regretted it, trying to find ways to bring back his old family was always on his mind when they crossed paths again. He knew he shouldn’t bother, that it won’t be the same as it was before, that they won’t want to humour his innermost desires. It nearly destroyed him when the remaining four of the quintet all reunited, so he didn’t know what good could come from even offering the conversation.
“I’m fine, but thanks for the offer,” Dan Heng responded firmly, keeping his eyes closed and arms crossed. “The girls will be in March’s room, whatever it is you wish to discuss with them I’m sure they’ll be happy to oblige.”
There were no more words to say. Jing Yuan gave a firm nod to Dan Heng before stepping onto the Express. Thankfully, the carriage he had stepped onto was for passenger accommodation, so he could avoid any more unnecessary conversations with other Trailblazers on the way to his destination. It was also easy to find which room belonged to the girls, their loud chatter bled into the hallway, the muffled cacophony of two girls who could never get tired of each other unknowingly providing the information for Jing Yuan to knock on the right door.
He paused briefly in front of the door, this was it. Truly he was now venturing into unexplored territory for him, to confront these feelings and to open himself up to the possibility of a new life after so long… it was all quite overwhelming. He closed his eyes for a second, remembering what he had told himself to do in the starskiff a few minutes ago, opened them again and knocked on the door.