Archive of Our Own

I Keep Swimming So You Don’t See Me Drown

Ice baths, electrolytes, ten hours of sleep and enough medication to take down a heard of fucking animals. 

They always looked at him differently, at least the once who knew about the things he battled. Maybe that's why Macklin tried to hide it from the sharks. This is no longer college hockey, it's the NHL, the league where you had to be perfect. And Mack was no exception to that rule. He was supposed to be the golden boy, the face of the franchise, the god damn savior of the Sharks. 

He's a Shark. And sharks have to keep moving to live. If they stop swimming, if they give up, then that's it, they are done. And Mack is far from being done in this world, so he just keeps swimming, keeps moving on. Not because he always wants to, but because he has to in order to keep afloat. Life moves on and he has to keep up, because the rest of the world doesn't pause, just because you feel like your life has. 

So Mack just keeps on swimming. 

After a hard week full of games his body was breaking down more and more. Waking up in the morning, he felt like he had been hit by a truck. It wasn't usually this bad, Mack thinks as he tries to gather all his strength to sit up in bed. He is all alone in his bedroom. He should've gotten up hours ago but his head kept throbbing and he could feel his heart rate threaten to beat out of his chest at just the thought of sitting up. 

The sun finds its way through the curtains and the stress starts hitting him. Will, will be by his place to pick him up in fifteen minutes to bring them to the pre-game practice. 

Every fucking person gets up in the morning, just bring yourself together. 

Mack finally sits up in bed and he can immediately feel how his heart rate aggressively accelerates. His vision goes blurry and patchy and heat starts rising to his head that keeps on hurting. Mack turns to the bedside table to grab some of the many orange bottles of various pills, trying to figure out how much he should lower his pulse, yet still be able to skate without feeling like dying. He chugs a bottle of gatorade and pulls on his compression stockings before standing up, immediately reaching out for anything to catch himself on, fighting to not pass out. 

He scrambles through his room to pack up his bag before Will arrives. Chills spread over his whole body when he splashes some cold water in his face in an attempt to wake up, only to realize the fevers are back. His thermometer glows bright red in his still dark room, 102.3 he reads. Fuck its bad. 

Smitty
I'm here now, hurry up!

Mack swallows a few ibuprofen's before he grabs his bag with a groan and walks out. Time to put the facade back up, time to be fucking cheerful. 

He feels too much, the heightened heart rate throwing his mind into fight or flight mode, too much adrenaline. He can feel the fever sweats dampening the clothes on his body and everything just aches. His hands are shaking so badly that he can barely manage to lock the door and the bag in his other hand feels impossibly heavy. His legs move like he just got off of the ice and every bit of power he has left in him goes to fight to stay conscious. 

It was usually more manageable than this. Actually when thinking about it it really hadn't been this bad since the very beginning. Not since he first got diagnosed. 

Throughout his whole childhood he had been perfectly healthy with a body he could always trust. But something changed. He got a bad case of covid or something freshman year of college, and his body kind of just never healed after that. It wasn't all at once, but what started out as him just being a bit tired and lightheaded sometimes, just kept on taking turns for the worse. Before he knew it he was struggling to get out of bed in the mornings, passing out after practice, and it just kept on getting worse. It got to the point where he had fevers more than he didn't, and he passed out after almost every shift on the ice. 

It got bad, like really bad. After a few too many doctor's appointments they finally figured out what it was, but hearing it was chronic just broke him down even further. POTS. He misses the days where pots were something you had in a cabinet in the kitchen, and not a chronic illness that came in the way of everything he had ever worked for. 

The blaring noise from Will's car throws Mack back into the world again. 

“Mack, what the hell are you just standing there for, we are late, put the bag in the trunk and get in here!” Will yells to Mack after rolling his window down, staring at the boy who was moving impossibly slow toward the car. 

Mack did as he was told, he always did what Will told him to. They had only been teammates for a few months but they were already incredibly close. They did everything together, which was also why it was particularly difficult to hide his illness from Will, but he managed to.

Mack climbs into the passenger seat with tired legs and an exhausted groan escapes without meaning to. 

“Everything alright?” Will asks, looking at Mack's tired eyes with a worried look.

“Yeah, I'm fine. lets go” Mack responds, turning away from Will's gaze. 

Will hums something in response, not taking Mack's answer but also well aware that when Mack says he is fine, there is no way of getting the truth out of him. So Will settles for the fake answer, picking his battles with care. 

Mack tries to act fine in the car, but Will quickly figures out that Mack needs to just be left undisturbed. 

Will reaches out to place his hand on Mack's thigh instead, to just feel that he is there, even when Mack just wants to stay quiet. Will can see a small smile take over Mack's face at the touch. 

They do that sometimes, touch, just to stay close. The guys on the team love to chirp them about it by calling them boyfriends or lovebirds or whatever they can think of to make up. But it's not really like that. Well in reality neither of them know exactly what they are to each other, they just are. And naming what they are is not too important, at least not to them. They are mostly just friends, but it would be a lie to say they never passed some lines threading into other territories. 

The car comes to a halt, bringing Mack out of what may or may not have been sleep. He is not quite sure. All he knows is that the world is all blurry and his mind has gone fuzzy, but the second he gets out of the car he can feel the adrenaline pulsing through his body again, making him way too aware of his surroundings. 

He stumbles into Will by the trunk of the car and reaches for his bag, struggling to pick it up.

Will throws his own bag over his shoulder in ease and watches as Mack struggles.

“U sure everything is fine? I can get your bag for you” Will says with worry lacing his soft voice. It's softer than Mack likes, almost like pity. And Macklin Celebrini is not one to accept being pitied.

“I've got it” Mack says, trying to hide the struggle in his voice, failing pathetically.

Will takes one good lock at Mack before he pulls the bag out of Mack's hand and shuts the trunk. 

Mack should protest, he really should but he also knows deep down that there was no way he would make it over the parking lot carrying that bag, so he lets Will do this thing for him. Will starts walking and Mack politely follows half a step behind. 

Will sets the bags down by their spots on the bench in the dressing room that is already buzzing with laughter and conversations from the many other players who are there. 

“Hello boys, you're late” Ecky chirps, voice full of friendly energy from their good friend.

“Did you two lovebirds get carried away kissing in the parking lot?" Delly joked. filling the locker room with laughter. 

“Ha ha very funny, you wish” Will responded. A part of him wondered if the team knew that he and Mack actually did that sometimes. Not too often, but just some occasional casual kissing, mostly drunk kisses in a stall of a bar bathroom, or maybe in their hotel room after a particularly good win on the road. But that is nothing weird right? They are just best friends, right? To Will at least it's nothing weird.

Will turns around to find Mack collapsed in his spot on the bench, looking like he just got off the ice. 

Mack could feel a few faces pointed toward him but he couldn't find the energy to put his facade all the way up. Not today, not after the morning he has had.

The guys all started to get ready, with some of the early arrivals already hitting the ice. The locker room starts thinning out but Mack is far from done. He does everything as quickly as possible but every time he leans his head down to tie his skates he feels like passing out, and raising his arms to put the shoulder pads on causes him to lose feeling in his arms. 

As he looks around he finds that the only ones still there with him is Will and Toff, both already in their full gear. Mack's ears are ringing and his vision is funky but he can see Will and Toffs carefully worried eyes scan over him.

Will have been asking Mack if he is fine all morning to no success. There is clearly something off, he just doesn't know what it is. The room is almost completely empty except for Mack and Toff. 

Toff carefully waves for Will to come over to him on the other end of the locker room.

“Hey, is Mack alright?” Toff whispers to Will, careful to make sure Mack can't hear them.

“I have been asking him all morning but he refuses to answer me. He isn't usually like this. I mean he could barely even pick up his bag from my car” Will whispers back, while keeping a steady eye on Mack who was still tying his skates, after spending at least a few minutes doing so.

“Okay, get out on the ice, I will help him” Toff said with his steady and trustworthy voice.

Will protested.

“Get out there, and tell physio that I'm helping Mack. There is no need for Warsofsky to get mad at you for being late, let me handle this.” Toff explained, leaving no room for augmenting in his voice.

“Fine” Will answered before taking the long route out of the dressing room, going past Mack, squeezing his shoulder on the way and giving him a quick kiss to the forehead.

“Fuck, Mack your burning up” Will exclaimed, turning around to Toff who nodded. Making sure Will knew that he got it from now.

The second Will left the room Toff walked up to Mack. He squatted on the floor in front of Mack, forcing Mack to look at him where he sat with his head bowed down low. 

“Flare up?” Toff asked, worried but with a tone of voice that sounded safe and secure.

Mack just nodded.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” Toff asked.

A tear escaped down Mack's cheek.

“No, I'm fine, I just want to get out on the ice,” Mack tried.

“Mack” Toff breathed out.

“Toff I… I need to get out there” Mack protested. 

“Have you had your icebath today?” Toff began. He knew all about Mack's extensive schedule of things that needed to be done before he could even think about getting on the ice.

Mack just shook his head, no need to try and lie, knowing Toff could see right through him.

“Gatorade? Meds? Compression?” Toff continued.

“Yeah” Mack said with a low voice. 

“Okay good” 

Toff knew when to fight him, and when to let things go.

“How bad is the fever?” Toff continued.

“Fine” Mack lied. Getting a relieved sigh from Toff. 

“If you chug another two gatorades and get that temp down, I'm fine to let you out there. But don't you dare fucking pass out on me” Toff warned. Knowing that Mack had played like this for years, and sometimes, no matter how much it hurt the paternal side of him to see the child suffer like this, he knew that Mack lived for hockey. Mack was not Mack without hockey, not even close. 

Toff grabbed bags of ice and a few bottles of gatorade for Mack and watched as Mack did what he was told. Toff helped him get the rest of the gear on while Mack was cooling down with bags of ice all around his body.

When Mack could prove he was able to stand up without passing out Toff finally let himself be persuaded into letting Mack get out on the ice. 

The rest of the team was doing drills on the ice by the time they got out of the dressing room and Will couldn't let Mack out of his sight for what seemed like an eternity. The worried look on his face killed Mack. 

“You have to tell him sometime” Toff whispered to Mack after seeing the boys eyes locked at each other. He nudged Mack over toward where Will had stopped by center ice.

Toff went over to the bench to clear things up with physio and Warsofsky before he joined the rest of the team in the two on one drills. 

The practice killed Mack's body. His whole body was sluggish and he had zero energy. But he also had the ability to push past any limits of his own body when he was in the game. To all the eyes that didn't look to close he looked fine, but Will and Toff could see it in him. They could see the way his head hung low the second he was done with a drill, could see the way he swayed when waiting for the next drill. Will could hear him breath just a little heavier than usual, how he was milliseconds slower in his moves and thoughts.

Will knew him, knew his every move, the way his body breathes, the right amount of sweat soaking his hair after a practice. And this was not normal. Something was wrong.

Warsofsky blows his whistle signaling the end of practice, and instead of Mack's usual role of being the last player off of the ice, he was among the first to enter the player tunnel, leaving everything on the bench behind. He just had to get to the locker room to sit down or someone would have to scoop him up off the floor of the tunnel. 

Mack practically collapsed in his spot on the bench, sweaty and exhausted. No matter how deep he breathed he couldn't get enough air in his lungs and the adrenaline keeping him from passing out made his anxiety spike though the roof instead. He wanted to crawl out of his sweaty skin that felt too tight in the moment. Wanted to throw something at the light that was too bright and too loud to just turn it off. He could feel every hem of his clothes, but also nothing at all in his legs that were falling asleep. His hands followed and before he knew it he could barely move any of his limbs, leaving him locked in his overwhelming body. Every sound was too loud, every light too bright, and everything just felt too strong, too much.

“Hey, hey Macky” Will said with even more worry in his voice than before. 

“Hey, tell me what you need” Will continued, searching for Mack's eyes that were locked on the floor, looking panicked.

Will squatted down in front of him and for a second he brought Mack out of the worst of it all. 

Mack took a quick look around the room to find that everyone was almost done getting out of their gear, with some of the guys already in the showers.

Will grabbed Mack's hand and squeezed it hard to give Mack something that would ground him. 

“Want your headphones? It's kind of loud” Will offered and Mack gladly accepted. 

Will got Mack's noise cancelling headphones and could immediately see him relax a little. 

“Toff, lights” Will yelled over the noise of the locker room toward Toff who was standing close to the lights which who immediately dimmed them down. Some of the players looked up in confusion in response to the lights going dark, looking to Toff for some answers. They followed his gaze toward Mack who was looking like he wanted the world to open up and swallow him whole. 

They all knew about this part of Mack. They might not all have a word for it but they knew not to annoy him with unnecessary notice. Mack hadn't been with the team for too long, but that was the way of the Sharks. They respected each other even about things they didn't have the full picture of. 

Mack visibly calmed down and he could feel his heart rate finally starting to settle down a little. 

Will stayed hovering around the other boy making sure he was alright for a while. He didn't know how long he was standing around Mack for, but eventually the space cleared out and people got going. 

When the place was empty enough Mack let himself be helped by Will. He hated it, hated feeling like he needed people to do things for him, hated that he couldn't trust his body enough to even lean down to untie the skates on his own feet after practice without the risk of passing out. 

He hadn't passed out in front of the team, not since college. Not since the times he used to get made fun of for it. It was only Toff who once found him passed out in the showers long after a game late one night after he got back late from the media. 

Mack had made Toff swear not to tell anyone about that night, only at the compromise of Toff getting to know all about his illness.

And in hindsight Mack should probably be happy that he told Toff. Toff was like a father to Mack, to Mack and Will actually. He was there for anyone who needed him. He follows Mack to hospital visits, advocates for him with the trainers and physio, and simply helps to take some of the mental load of the young boy. 

Will got Mack ready to go, both putting off showering until they get back home. He reaches his hand out for Mack to grab onto to before pulling him up. Mack grabs a strong hold of Will's hand and has to stop for a second to steady himself before he starts to move out of the locker room with slow but steady steps. 

Toff says something about electrolytes and icebaths to prepare for the game to him when Mack and Will pass him on the way out that Mack can barely hear through his headphones but Will nods toward Toff.

Will drives Mack home and drops him off. They have a few hours before they have to head back to the rink for the game against the Chicago Blackhawks later that same night. Will offers to stay with him until then but Mack refuses. He didn't have either the time or energy that morning to put his meds away and Will could not see that. The second someone would step into his space looking like it does after that morning, they would figure out something was seriously wrong with him. 

The amount of orange bottles standing on his bedside table is more than most people would see in their whole lifetime, and nothing he could say would conceal his secret anymore. 

So no matter how much he wanted to spend his time with Will, he just couldn't allow him into his place right now. 

Mack walks with heavy steps down the driveway, practically dragging his bag behind him. The second he opens his door he is met with the darkness of the morning. All the curtains are still pulled over his windows, hiding any sign of daylight. There are a bunch of empty bottles laying around and his meds were all over the place from his stressful morning. 

Mack exhales and doesn't make it far into his place. He lays down on the floor right by the door to finally get some rest. He can't even be bothered to make it to his bed or couch. The floor is good enough even with his body aching badly after practice. 

Five hours until Will will be back to pick him up. Five hours of rest, quietness, preparations. Five hours may be a long time but Mack would need five days to recover at this point. But he will make do, he always does. Always figures out a way to push his body past any kind of limits. 

The doctors are always just as shocked to hear that he is playing NHL hockey with his condition. A condition that limits life, a condition that makes many people unable to go to school or have a full time job. And it does break him down, he can't stand for more than a few minutes but somehow hockey works. He just has to put a lot more into it than most players do. 

Mack turns on an alarm on his phone before he lets himself fall asleep. Fully dressed, still sweaty from practice, laying on the hardwood floors but his body is way too exhausted to care about any of it. 

He wakes up three hours later. Mack's whole body is screaming at him. Every piece that touches the floor is aching. His bones feel bruised, limbs are stiff and his head is throbbing. But he let himself sleep for as long as he possibly could. 

He sits up slowly, trying his best not to pass out from the change in elevation but he can feel his body going limp before his head hits the floor. On his second attempt he sits up without passing back out and slowly but surely he makes it up on his feet. 

Mack drags himself through his still dark room over to his bathroom where he starts filling up the bathtub with water as cold as he can get it. He hates it, hates the cold, but it's also the only way to get his blood vessels to constrict enough to even think about playing hockey later tonight. 

He slowly strips down and out of his old sweaty clothes before getting himself into the tub. The water feels awful on his still feverish skin but he pushes through, he always does, but he also knows that his body always gets used to it after a while.

He puts his headphones back on and starts scrolling through tiktok on his phone to make the time pass by faster. 30 minutes, that's what the doctor told him, five minutes per hour of effect. 

His body is shaking from the coldness by the time he gets up but he feels the effects right away. He is finally able to stand up without feeling like he will pass out for the first time that day. 

Mack pulls on his compression leggings and compression shirt before he walks out of the bathroom. He can feel his phone vibrating in his hand and there is a text from Will.

Smitty
I'm coming over in 20, I'll bring food

Mack doesn't respond but he smiles to himself. He puts on some music before he cleans up his space. He pulls the curtains away from the windows to let the daylight shine in revealing the full extent of the medical mess. The pill bottles all go back into their basket far in the corner under his bed, in what is probably the only place he can keep it hidden from Will.

The more their friendship flourished over the months, the more he had to hide it. The bottles started out in his bathroom, but when Will started staying over more they moved into his closet. And when Will started stealing his clothes and treating Mack's closet like their closet he had to stash it away under the bed. 

As Mack picks up the last of the empty bottles of gatorade from the floor Will walks in through the door. It startles Mack a little but Will keeps moving through Mack's home like it is his own. And in some ways it kind of is. 

“Fuck its cold in here” is all Will says as he steps into Mack's home.

All around Mack's home there are pieces of Will scattered all around. Half Mack's closet is filled with Wills clothes, and half of Mack's clothes are probably in Will's. There are two toothbrushes on the bathroom sink and a bottle of Will's favorite coconut shampoo is in Mack's shower. 

Will searches for Mack's eyes and looks relieved to find a bit more life in them compared to when he dropped him off earlier.

“You don't look like shit anymore” Will says happily.

“Well hello to you too” Mack tries to act annoyed at the comment but there is no way to hide what is undisclosed between the two of them.

Will puts the bags of takeaway down on the counter and moves past Mack, punching his shoulder lightly before grabbing a bottle of water for himself, and a blue gatorade from the fridge for Mack. Will never got Mack's obsession with gatorade but he just knows that he chugs them like crazy.

“Okay but how are you actually feeling?” Will asks as he sits down in front of Mack and starts unpacking all the food he brought over.

“Fine” Mack says as he grabs his own box of orange chicken and fried rice that Will picked up from their favorite place.

“You know you will have to tell me eventually right” Will says, not buying Mack's response at all.

“I’m fine” Mack tries as he picks through his food, not feeling too hungry but knowing he will have to eat eventually.

“I don't care if you won't tell me, but does anyone know? Are you getting help?” Will tires.

“I'm fine, it's nothing” Mack starts to lose his temper.

Will takes a good look on the boy in front of him, trying to figure out what he could possibly be fighting so hard to keep away from him. He exhales sharply before he continues talking. 

“Toff knows right?” Will asks.

“Why do you even care so much?” Mack throws out in an annoyed tone.

“Because I fucking care about you, and you're clearly hiding something from me!” Will continues, as annoyed.

Mack just exhales sharply.

“Macky, please. I just want to know if you're safe” Will finally says after collecting his thoughts for a second, looking deep into Mack's eyes. 

“Okay fine. If you have to know, Toff knows. Can you please stop bothering me now” Mack mutters. 

Mack knows he shouldn't be mad at Will. He isn't, he is mad at this illness, at this thing that took away the trust in his own body. In reality he is just scared. He is scared that opening up to Will will make it more real. 

A chronic illness takes over every part of your life. Taking your meds, doing all the right things, doing way more than most people just to still feel bad takes a toll on the brain. It's a constant reminder of how you're locked into your own body. You already have to treat yourself differently, just to try and conserve some quality of life, but having everyone around you treat you differently too is just too much. It doesn't matter if they do it out of love and care. It still breaks you down, the constraint reminder that there is something wrong with you is all too much. So to hide it away from the people around you, is to hide a part of life away from the illness. Mack hides it so that he can maybe get a few minutes here and there if he is lucky, where he is allowed to just forget about being sick. 

Will looks hurt. He always does when Mack is being such a dick to him. But he keeps going back. He keeps returning to Mack's home, keeps supporting him, keeps helping him even though he doesn't know what exactly he is helping him with. But he is loyal. More loyal than anyone Mack has ever met before. 

“Fuck. I'm sorry for snapping at you” Mack says, looking back down into his half eaten food. 

Will just looks up at Mack with blank eyes.

“I just don't want to talk about it okay” Mack says, still not ready to let Will see that part of him.

“Are you safe?” Will asks, sounding like he is one wrong step away from melting into a sad puddle of tears.

“Yes Will. Toff makes sure of it” Mack tells Will as he extends his hand across the table, offering it to Will.

Will takes it and Mack gives his hand a good squeeze. 

“Can we please talk about something else” Mack pleads.

Will knows not to argue further so he nods his head to the question and he can see Mack relax a little. He can see the tension in Mack's shoulders loosen up as they start talking about some ridiculously dumb stuff as usual. 

They finish their food and it's time to get going. Mack takes his meds while Will is in the bathroom and throws his extra meds into his bag before he is ready to get going. 

The evenings are always better than the mornings and Mack makes sure to do all the right things. He had his ice bath, is wearing all his compression, has all the right meds pumping through his bloodstream and he has drunken a lot of electrolytes.

Will looks pleased to see Mack move through the place with a little more ease and looks proud so see Mack pick up his own bag. Will leans in over his shoulder to kiss his cheek as they leave Mack's place. Mack leans into the touch that he enjoys more than he probably should. 

They bump shoulders as they walk out to Will's car and the excitement of the game starts hitting. They go early. Will doesn't know why Mack always has to be the first one there, but he doesn't complain, and just adjusts to his schedule. He gives Mack shit about it sometimes, but today is not the day to chirp Mack about anything. 

The locker room is still empty by the time they get there but it slowly fills up with more and more guys as time goes on. When Will is busy getting dressed and talking to Ecky and Toff, Mack tries to slip away.

“Hey Mack, where are you going?” Will asks.

Mack panics for a second, looking to Toff for an answer.

“The media called for him, he will be right back Will” Toff lies to cover for Mack. 

Mack throws a thankful look toward Toff before he slips out of the room before anyone has any time for more questions.

He quickly makes his way to the physio room to get prepped for the game. One bag of saline is usually sufficient to get him through the game without passing out. He used to get them through the veins in his arms but those are too scarred since long ago and he had to get a central line placed. Its a lot of work and kind of fucking scary. 

It's also why he hates the locker rooms, having to carefully turn around to keep it hidden and waiting to shower until he is home. 

The equipment guy sewed some extra protection into his gear to keep it somewhat safe from contact on the ice, but nothing can be done to keep it safe from the eyes of his teammates. 

Mack gets his bag of saline attached and he immediately feels the cool solution entering his body. The soft noise of the machines makes him want to rip his ears off. He feels too much, the lights too bright, saline too cold, clothes too tight and the damn machine too loud. 

The physio person leaves him alone to go and help the other players get all taped up and ready for warmups. 

There is a knock on the door and Mack freezes for a moment.

“Hey Mack, it's me, Toff, can I come in?” Toff announces.

“Yeah, it's fine,” Mack answers, hoping that it's just Toff out there.

Toff walks in through the door, holding Mack's headphones in one hand and a blanket in the other. 

“You forgot these in the locker room, Will told me you usually bring them with you when you disappear before the games” Toff explained.

Toff shut the door behind him and turn the lights down low, knowing just how much Mack hates the bright overhead lights. 

Mack grabs the headphones and can finally tune out the sound of the machine pumping saline through his body. 

Toff puts the blanket over Mack's shivering body and sits down beside him. 

He knows that Mack hates being alone in these moments, and he can see Mack's body release some tension in his presence. 

“Hey so Mack, I… I think you should really tell Will. He worries so much about you, and he really does pay attention. He knows that you are hiding something. Damn he even knew that you needed your blanket and headphones when you disappeared before every game. He notices stuff Mack. And I can't keep lying for you for ever” Toff explained to Mack. He really did try to let Mack take it at his own pace but Will and Mack were becoming too close for Mack to keep on hiding this. 

“Toff. I… I can't. Okay. He can't know. He can't see me like this Toff” Mack explains as tears appear in his eyes.

“Being with him is the only time I ever forget about being… sick. You don't understand, he is my escape” Mack cries, exhausted.

“Mack, that boy loves you. He stays with you and supports you even though he doesn't even know what he is supporting you from. That boy loves you and sticks up for you. I can't even count the number of times he comes up to me to talk with me the second you have a bad day. He notices everything, and he makes sure that you have someone that takes care of you, even when you refuse to let him.” Toff continues to explain.

“He… he does that” Mack says, not knowing how to even feel about it.

“He loves you man.” Toff assures Mack.

“Just, please consider it” Toff finally says.

“After the road trip” Mack exhales.

“Okay, that's good Mack. After the roadtrip. Toff seems a little relieved and he brushes his hand over Mack's forehead, in part to keep track of his fever that seems to have gone down since the morning, and in part just because that is his kiddo.

The machine beeps, signaling that it's done and Mack finally disconnects. 

“Ready to go?” Toff asks.

“Yeah” Mack exhales as he stands up, more steady this time.

There is a game of sewerball happening out in the corridor and a few heads turn toward the two of them exiting the physio room but no one thinks too much of it. 

Will is in a corner with his own football, the one that he and Mack always warm up with together away from the group. 

Will looks worried but Mack meets him with a smile and sideways hug, tugging at him to follow to their usual spot farther down the corridor and Will seems to relax a bit. 

Mack's heart rate is steadier and he feels more confident with his body. And Will notices the change. 

They get right into laughing and messing around. They laugh about the time they kicked the football way too hard in the face of Sharkie, and the time Will tackled Mack to the floor, and the time Mack kicked the ball into the ceiling and it disappeared, and whatever else popped into their dumb and dumber minds. 

This is right where they belong, together. Attached at the hip through all the happy silly times. This is the moment Mack gets to be just Mack.N ot sick Mack, not fainting Mack, not Mack whose life is full of medication and hospitals. But just Mack.

Toff looks over at the two boys with a stupidly big smile spread wide on his face and Mack can't help but stop for a while to appreciate it all. Will throws himself over Mack in a huge hug and sneaks in a little kiss on Mack's throat before they get right back into battling for the football. 

They eventually end up in a pile of laughter and limbs on the floor after talking each other down, trying to get to the ball.

“Hey lovebirds, stop cuddling, it's time to get to the locker room” Revo yells to them, earning laughs from the whole team, including Mack and Will who don't even bother to protest the accusations.

Will is the first to untangle and get up, pulling Mack up with him. They follow behind the rest of the team and Mack's hand falls a little too low on the small of Will's back as he pushes the other boy in front of him when on the way back to the locker room. 

The game eventually starts and Mack is doing alright. He's not having a great day, but compared to the morning he can't really complain. Still, every time he gets onto the bench and into his spot between Will and Toff he has to fight to not pass out. Toff grabs on to the back of Mack's tarp whenever he sees him sway too badly. 

Will looks over at Mack with worried eyes every time but Toff assures Will that he’s got Mack. Will sometimes places his hand on Mack's thigh and that's enough to ground Mack. Every time he hits the bench he is overwhelmed with the way his body feels, with the way his heart just won't dip below the 200 bpm, the way the arena is too loud, his body too sticky and his gloves too moist. But among all of that he knows he is in the safest place he could ever be in, with Toff on his left, and Will to his right.

The game goes on and Mack manages to score a goal with an assist from Will in the first period. They go out to the locker room with a 2-0 lead in the first, but the focus is still high. 

Will grabs a blue gatorade for Mack who chugs it before it's time to get out on the ice again. Mack's heart rate finally lowered slightly during the pause but he knows it's only downhill from this point. But he pulls himself together and goes out again, because he is a Shark, and sharks keep on moving. 

Revo gets into a fight when Will is out on the ice with him. Will doesn't fight, only for Mack, but Mack is safe on the bench so Will gets to take a safe distance from the whole fighting thing going on.

Bedard skates up to him where he is standing away from the fighting. 

“Hey, how is Mack doing?” Bedard asks.

Will doesn't really know what to answer, but before he has time to say anything, Connor continues.

“I just really hope that the team isn't as mean to him about it as they were in college,” Bedard continued.

The referee blew the whistle and the game restarted again.

“Just keep him safe for me Will” Connor hurries to say before skating off.

“Yeah. um yeah I will, I... I do” Is all Will can get out before he has to get in position and refocus on the game.

So Bedard knows, and Mack's college team was treating him badly over whatever the hell is going on with him. It clouds Will's brain as he goes back to the bench after his shift. 

The coach messes with the lines and Will doesn't get close to Mack for the rest of the period, so his mind just keeps on spinning without any answers. Well he does get one answer, the answer of why Mack keeps on hiding it away from everyone. And the answer just cuts him even deeper. The reason behind all the secrets being linked back to getting hurt for it. But Will wouldn't be mean, he just wants to fucking help but Mack wont let him in that closely.

When the second period is done they are now tied 2-2, after Mack and Will were behind the two shark goals in the first, but nothing happened in the second after not being allowed to play on the same line. 

Some changes get made during the break, and Will and Mack are back on their line. 

Toff throws a bottle to Mack who grimaces a bit but he chugs it under Toff's stern look. It's for the best anyway. 

The physio team stops Mack on the way back out for a little check up to make sure he is doing good enough to go back out there. He actually isn't good enough, at least not compared to most people, but Mack is Mack. Mack can do anything and physio lets it slide. 

Will and Mack prove that they belong together out on the ice, scoring a goal each, assisted by the other boy, five minutes in. 4-2, they have it in their hands and the whole team pulls it together and they keep the lead through the rest of the game.

Bedard gives Mack an extra good hug after the game and Will can hear Connor asking Mack about something along the lines of how he is doing but he can't make out the answer.

When it's Will's time to thank Connor for the game Connor tells him to take care of Mack and Will already knows that he can promise to do so for the rest of eternity. He would do anything to take care of Mack, to keep him safe. 

The locker room is buzzing with happiness after a well deserved and hard fought win, that they mostly have Mack and Will to thank for.

Mack is last off the ice as usual, but Toff stays with him, steadying him slightly as he sways from being lightheaded. Will is already pulling Mack's headphones from his bag as Mack enters the room.

Will meets Mack in the middle of the room and immediately puts them on his head to shield him from the noisy locker room. Mack puts his hand on Will's shoulder to steady himself and Will instinctively reaches his arm around Mack's body that is quickly draining of color. 

“I've got you Mack” Will whispers, just loud and close enough to the headphones for Mack to hear it.

“Thank you Will” Mack leans in close to tell the other boy.

“Player of the day is… drumroll guys!” Wenny yells out and excitement builds in the room.

“MACKLIN MACK CELEBRINI” Wenny continues before walking up to a slightly startled Mack with the necklace of shark teeth.

He puts it around Mack's neck and the room cheers for him.

“You know what this means Mack, shirt of” Revo fills in and Mack freezes. He can't, they will all see his port. 

“Yeah no, the shirt is staying on” Mack tried to laugh it off but they guys weren't buying it.

“What, did your boyfriend leave marks on you?” Someone laughs, and the room follows. 

Both Mack and Will go bright red at the accusations but they join with the laughter. It's nothing. Everyone knows it's just a fun chipper but they can't help but to blush, maybe because it isn't completely made up. 

Mack never lets Will see him without a shirt but Mack is definitely guilty of leaving marks on Will's soft pale skin. Will lets him bite him when he is too stressed or overwhelmed, mostly on the road when the world around Mack just becomes a little too much. They don't even know how they figured it out, but Will will do anything it takes to help Mack, and he would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it too.

But that's not why Mack refuses to take his shirt off in front of the team. But the real reason is only known between Mack and Toff.

So Toff to the rescue.

“Let the boys be, guys. Mack you can keep your shirt on, it's fine” Toff tells the team, and everyone knows that Toff is a guy to listen to.

“Mack they need you for the media” The team's media person yells into the locker room in the middle of the post game buzz. 

Mack groans, he isn't sure he can even get up on his feet right now, let alone stand still for long enough to complete an interview without passing out. 

“Don't worry, I've got you” Will tells Mack after seeing his response.

Will gets going, telling the media person that they will have to make do with him, that Mack is not available right now. Will knows he isn't the one they want for the media, but he can't witness Mack suffering through interviews right now, so he swallows his pride and takes the disappointed looks from the media on his chin. 

Back in the dressing room Mack hasn't moved since he sat down, he is still in most of his gear, having only removed his helmet and tarp. His headphones are dialed all the way up to cut out the noise of the rest of the room under the steady music in his ears. He wants to crawl out of all of his gear but his body has become absolutely useless, arms and legs too numb to move at all.

When the rest of the guys are in the showers Toff comes over to Mack to help. Mack doesn't even have the energy to protest. He just keeps his head hanging low, eyes closed. Toff unties Mack's skates and takes off his shoulder pads, shin guards and the rest of the heavy bulky gear until Mack is left in his compression layer, all covered up but much more comfortable. 

Mack barely voices out a small thanks to Toff who lets Mack know that it really isn't a big deal. 

Will eventually makes his way back as the room slowly empties out. He takes his seat next to Mack, handing him yet another bottle of blue gatorade that he picked up on the way.

Will gets himself ready before packing their bags up.

“U good?” Will asks, already knowing the answer but wondering how much truth he will get.

“Yeah, just give me a minute” Mack fights to get out the words. The world is spinning, head throbbing, and that fever is most definitely back.

Will packs up both of their bags and by the time he is done collecting their stuff Mack decides it's time to get up. It's not too successful and he wobbles enough for Will to clearly see it.

Will drops what he is doing and in a split second he has his arms up around Mack.

“Heyyy easy there” Will says as he stabilizes the very pale looking Mack. 

Will tries to pull his head away far enough to get a good look at the boy in his arms but Mack is not allowing his face to be shown. He burrows his face in the crook of Will's neck until he is steady enough to stand on his own. 

Will drags his hands across the younger guys back in steady motions, signaling that he will keep him safe. 

Toff approaches and helps Mack to steady himself while they walk out of the room. They get Mack into the passenger seat of Will's car and shuts the door.

“What is going on with him Toff” Will asks with panic in his voice and tears in his eyes.

“Kid, you know I can't tell you. But I promise I will follow him closely. He is safe, safe with me, safe with you” Toff says in an attempt to comfort Will. 

Toff pulls Will into a tight hug and wipes a tear of his cheek before they part ways. 

“Don't be late to the bus tomorrow!” Toff yells across the parking lot as Will walks around the car. 

“We won't," Will yells back.

“6 am sharp” Toff reminds Will.

“Yeah, yeah see you tomorrow” Will responds before hopping in the car. 

He puts his hand over Mack's thigh who mumbles something incoherent at the touch before he drives the other boy home. 

“Goodnight” Will finally says to Mack after carrying his bag into Mack's home, pulling him into a soft hug.

Mack loves Wills hugs. He loves how it steadies him, how he can feel the heat of Will's body flow right into his own skin, loves how he can still smell the faint coconut scent from his shampoo even through the sweat that still lingers in his hair after the game.

Mack kisses Will before letting go. They don't usually do that, not on the mouth, not without being at least a little tipsy. On the cheeks yes, a forehead, absolutely but on the lips is just another level. But none of them pays any attention to it. Because there is something in it that just feels so natural.

Will deepens the kiss slightly, drawing a soft moan from the other boy. But they don't take it further. Their lines of being just friends have blurred since long ago, but they aren't quite willing to pass all the lines of being a couple. At least not yet. 

“See you tomorrow,” Mack whispers as they pull away.

“I'll pick you up at 5:40” Will answers before they part ways.

Mack wakes up from his loud alarm that is ringing far earlier than his body would have liked it to ring. But there was no way to delay getting up. They had to be in the SAP center by 6am for their bus that was leaving by 7 after team breakfast and some tape reviews.

So Mack rolled out of bed, only to immediately pass out on the floor. Minutes later he tried to get up again, this time managing to do it without ending up face first on hardwood floors. 

His body was definitely punishing him for the game yesterday and the hectic schedule he has endured for months. 

He took his meds and collected himself enough to get ready for the day. He made his bed, and had a quick ice cold shower finally getting rid of the sweat from last nights game that he didn't have the energy to deal with yesterday. He pulled away the curtains because he couldn't leave knowing it still locked like someone was sleeping in there. 

He grabbed his already packed bag and threw the rest of his stuff together as quickly as he could, but his body didn't allow him to move at the pace he would've liked to. 

Will knocked on his door right as Mack was getting the last things ready to go. Mack didn't make it to the door to let Will in before Will took things in his own hands and entered the place.

Will grabbed the packed bag Mack had put by the front door and he made sure Mack hurried up to grab his last belongings before they both left the place and made it over to Will's car. Will walked slowly, knowing mornings were always the worst time for Mack, especially the morning after a game. 

In the car Will asked a million questions making sure Mack had remembered packing everything. Headphones, charger, toothbrush, every piece of clothing and whatever else Will could think of. But Mack was just happy to have something to think about apart from his broken body that felt like it had been run over by a herd of elephants. 

They arrived just on time and Will grabbed their things from the back of the car, as Mack just tried to focus all his energy on walking straight. 

They made it to the arena and were met with a bunch of other equally as tired Sharks players. 

Breakfast was good but Mack as usual had to stay away from the caffeine from the coffee they offered. So he was stuck with his gatorade, trying to load up on electrolytes and water.

They looked through the tape of yesterday's game and talked about the Anaheim Ducks during team breakfast. 

Mack didn't hear a single word of it. All he could do was focus on not ending up face first in the bowl of oatmeal in front of him. 

The bus ride was a long one. 7 hours through the insane LA traffic. 

Will and Mack grabbed the seats in the very back of the bus and Mack fell asleep on Will's shoulder no more than five minutes in. 

Will followed soon after and they slept away at least half of the bus ride, cuddled together as comfortably as you could possibly get on a bus. 

Some of the other players that sat nearby took some cute pictures of the two of them and posted them in the team's photo album WillMack that they all loved to joke about. 

Will woke up after two hours or so, but Mack kept sleeping, breathing heavily and eyelids shut hard.

He woke up briefly after another hour and Will grabbed him a bottle and Mack's favorite snacks from his backpack that he handed to Mack who looked really happy to receive it. 

Mack leaned against Will as they listened to music together while sharing a bag of Swedish fish that Ecky always made sure to explain to anyone willing to listen, that the Swedish fish in fact are not the same as the ones they have in Sweden. 

After a while, Mack is exhausted from just sitting up. Will can see the exhaustion on Mack's face so he helps him lay down over their seats. Placing Mack's head in his lap.

Mack quickly closes his eyes again and Will can feel Mack's breathing change as he slips into sleep. Will keeps playing with his hair as he sleeps. It always helps Mack relax, and Will won't admit it but playing with Mack hair has the same effect on him too.

Hours later they finally roll up to the hotel and the bus empties out. Mack and Will already know they are rooming together, they always do. 

They grab their lunch boxes to go and Will carries their bags to the full elevator that takes them to their floor.

Will puts his own bag down on the bed closest to the door, knowing Mack always loves the side with the window. Mack collapses on his bed before he can do anything else.

Will gets started on rearranging the room while Mack falls in and out of sleep. They always pull the beds together to “make more space” but in reality they both just want to be close to the other guy, and they always end up waking up in a tangle of limbs. It's just one more of their blurred lines between friends and something more, that they passed over long ago. But they don't really care about those labels. They have something unique on their own, they are Willmack that's enough for them.

Will reads the messages in the group, telling them all to get ready for practice and meet down in the lobby in an hour. 

He looks over at Mack who is sleeping heavily sprawled out on the bed and it aches in his heart to know he will have to wake him up soon. So he puts it off, packs his own bag and gets everything in order until he finally has to wake Mack up.

“Hey, Macky, I'm so sorry but we have to be down in the lobby in thirty.” Will says carefully leaning over the sleeping boy who only groans in response. 

Mack carefully sits up, looking a little disoriented. He is met by Will's caring eyes and gets handed a bottle of gatorade with extra electrolytes.

“I think I blended it like Toff does” Will says carefully.

Mack accepts the bottle and takes a sip.

“Thank you Will,” he says softly.

Mack can see his own clothes laid out on the bed beside him in a perfect pile, and his bag is already next to Wills by the door, looking packed. 

Mack grabs Will's hand and pulls him down in a hug, limbs colliding in a tangled mess on the bed. 

“Thank you,” Mack says into Will's neck.

“Yeah, of course no problem. I had to pack my own things anyway so it really wasn't a big deal” Will responds with lightness in his voice.

“No I mean, thanks for that. But thank you for… I mean. Everything” Mack continues, pulling back to really look at Will who just responds with a soft smile.

Will leans in the last inches and meets Mack's lips with a soft careful kiss, savoring the moment. Mack meets him immediately, deepening the kiss ever so slightly trying to etch the taste of Will's mouth into his memory.

Will huffs out a little laugh and pulls back a little before he sweeps the hair away from Mack's forehead.

“Man you're burning up again” Will says worried.

“It's fine Will” Mack tries, and Will knows to pick his battles carefully, he just gives Mack a serious and worried look before he continues. 

“We have to get going Macky” Will whispers, still close enough to breathe the same air as Mack.

“Nooo, cant we just stay here” Mack protests pulling Will back down on top of him again.

“God I wish we could. But you love hockey, and Warsofsky won't let us play if we don't go to practice.” Will reasons.

Mack groans and throws his hands over his face. But Will sweep his hands away and drag Mack out of bed carefully, catching him in a hug as Mack steadies on his legs. 

He hurries to get into his compression shirt as Will is throwing the last things in the bag and sneaks his meds into the bathroom with him before they are ready to leave. Well, Mack is not actually ready to leave, he feels like dying, like his body has completely given up on him. But he is a Shark, and sharks don't get to rest. Sharks keep on swimming and so does Mack. He has to keep on swimming so that Will doesn't have to see him drown.

Will grabs their bags and Mack just has to try and keep up with him. He walks close to the wall to keep himself steady when he feels his vision going and coming. Mack is really lightheaded but he somehow makes it down to the lobby. All he can see is Wills body in front of him, and he trusts Will to lead him the right way. 

Most of their teammates are already down in the lobby as Mack wobbles in half a step behind Will. The energy is a little low after the long drive but no matter how tired the Sharks are, they still have energy for messing around. 

Hey, Mack U fine? Looking really pale over there” Ecky asks as he approaches Mack and Will.

“M fine” Mack responds, short in an attempt to hide the fact that he is very much not fine. 

Will gives Ecky a warning to not dig too far.

Toff heard Ecky's comment and before they knew it, had passed through the whole lobby, leaving the group he was talking to previously searching for him with confused looks.

Toff embraces Mack from the side and Mack lets himself lean a little of his weight on to Toff, his own legs too tired to bear the load of his exhausted body.

Ecky and Will get into talking about something but Will never fully lifts his focus on Mack. Will always feels just a little more calm whenever Toff is there next to Mack. He knows Mack is safe when the two of them are there. 

Toff feels the heat through Mack's shirt and looks at him with a serious look.

“Don't” Mack warned as Toff opened his mouth to speak, knowing exactly what words would be coming out of his mouth.

“Mack” Toff pleaded.

“It's fine” Mack tried, lowering his voice trying to not let Will hear their conversation.

“Mack, I can talk to the trainers and to physio if you need to sit this one out” Toff tried reasoning, his voice equally as quiet as Mack's.

Mack just shook his head and joined Wills and Ecky's conversation. Signaling to Toff that there is no way he was missing practice.

“Fine, but you have no one else to blame if you can't play the game tomorrow” Toff whispered to Mack, taking him out of Wills and Ecky's conversation.

“Yeah right, because I fucking chose for… thiss to happen to me” Mack said, looking at Toff with betrayal tracing his face.

“You know that's not what I meant Mack. Fuck I'm sorry, but you know what I mean” Toff tried explaining but he didn't get an answer from Mack.

Mack did know what Toff meant. Deep down he did, but he was not in the head space to take things lightly. And he took the escape that presented itself in front of him. 

The team started walking toward the bus and Mack broke out of Toffs hold, grabbing Wills wrist on the way out.

Ecky looked surprised to lose the guy he was talking to but he followed them out with the rest of the team.

Will could tell that Mack was in a pissy mood and he knew not to ask any questions to him in that state without letting Bratlin Celebrini out. And Will himself was not in the mood to deal with that side of Mack. He loves Mack, but he also knows from experience that you stay far away from messing with Bratlin Celebrini. 

Mack feels himself swaying as he moves with unsteady steps toward the bus. He hates it, hates how he brings it out on the people he loves when his body is acting up. He hates that he has to be strong, he just wishes that he could actually rest. Wishes that he could just stop, lay down on the ground right then and there and just never get back up. But he can't. The world around him won't stop just because he wishes for it, it doesn't stop just because his world has. 

He doesn't even know where his bag is but he can't turn back around now. Mack climbs the steps into the bus and it's like climbing up a god damn mountain. His legs are throbbing, vision going in and out, and his ears start ringing.

“Easy there Mack” Revo says as he has to reach a hand out behind Mack in the stairs to keep him from falling backwards. 

Mack takes the boost from Revo and just keeps dragging his broken body through the bus all the way to the very back where he collapses into the window seat where no one can see him. 

The players keep filling the bus slowly but the seat next to Mack remains open. No one sits there, they all know its Will seat. But when Will gets to the back of the bus he throws Mack's bag up on the shelf over his seat, and sits down in the window seat across the aisle. Close enough to make sure Mack is fine, but far enough to let some of Mack's anger melt off before he hits Will with it. 

Toff joins Will with the same intent. Keeping a close eye on Mack, but not close enough to be in range for Mack's anger to hit him. 

Toff knows Mack isn't angry at anyone, just angry at his own body. Angry at the world for letting everyone else be fine, everyone but him. Angry at feeling betrayed by his own flesh and bones. 

Mack can barely sit up, his head hanging heavily against the window, and his legs thrown up in the seat beside him in a desperate attempt to get any blood to his head. His eyelids hang heavy over his eyes that are barely open. 

Mack's not really sure what his body is doing, unsure if he passed out or just fell asleep. All he knows is that halfway through the drive, Toff hovers above him as he slowly gains consciousness.

“Mack” Toff says, his face speaking the rest of the words.

“No, just. Toff please. M, I'm fine okay” Mack pleads with a painfully weak voice.

Toff just raises his eyebrows and inhales sharply.

“Okay fine. Could you get me a gatorade and a packet of salt” Mack finally admits.

“Coming right up. That's good, Mack. Thank you for just telling me what you need” Toff says, not knowing if he should be relieved that Mack lets him help him, or if he should be worried that Mack is doing bad enough to admit to needing help. But Toff will take the small victory.

Will is right behind him holding three different flavors of gatorade and a fistful of single use salt packs, handing it out for Mack's weak arms to grab. 

“Anything else?” Toff asks.

Mack wishes he could answer, but he can't. Not with Will there. How can he ask for his betablockers and bp meds in front of the guy who still can't know anything about it. 

Toff can see Mack looking between him and Will, seemingly wanting to answer something but not knowing what to say.

“Will, Mack will be fine, you can sit back down, I've got it” Toff tells Will and pats his shoulder, half turning him back around. 

Toff reaches up to the outer pocket of Mack's bag and grabs the little pouch that he knows he keeps his emergency stash of meds in as Will is focused getting back into his seat.

Mack mouths a quiet thanks to Toff before Toff joins Will in the seats across the aisle.

Mack slouches back down into his seat, taking a shot of salt and a couple of pills, trying not to gag before he allows himself to collapse and close his eyes again.

He nurses that bottle for the rest of the drive, finally finishing it right as the roll into the parking lot by the arena. 

Toff takes Mack's bag for him without a word and Mack has to fight to stay conscious as he gets out of his seat and stumbles down the aisle. 

The cold wind outside sends shivers across his feverish body as they step out in the coldness of the late November afternoon.

They let Mack be. Lets him take his time in the locker room, lets him handle it all on his own, no more warnings or questions of how he is doing. But Mack pushes through. His head hangs low, shoulders drawn up high and gaze glued to the floor right in front. He is just barely hanging in there, but he does, he survives and he makes it onto the ice by fine marginals. 

The game isn't until late tomorrow night so the coach lets his guys work hard out there. They skate until their legs burn, and do drills until there isn't a dry spot left on anyone's shirts.

Mack makes it through it on pure autopilot. His mind cuts out after the first five minutes and the rest is pure drive and determination. His legs are burning, lungs bleeding and ears ringing. Every time he comes to a stop after a drill he has to hold on to the boards to have any hope of not passing out on the ice. He can't remember if he spoke a single word to anyone at all during the whole practice, but he does know that wherever he was on the ice, he was never more than a few feet away from Will and Toff. 

Will could see Mack looking unsteady after every run of the drills, and saw how he needed to steady himself against the boards. So he became Mack's board, was there the second Mack stopped so he had something to grab onto. 

Mack didn't say a word. But he did that sometimes, he did that when he was too overwhelmed, or when he felt useless, or just on bad days. He just goes nonverbal without any warning. But that's not a big deal to Will, because Will can read him. Will can read Mack without having to use words. And maybe that's why they were such a great duo on the ice, because they just knew where to find each other even when they couldn't see or hear the other. 

Mack is first to the locker room when the whistle blows. He has to keep moving, because the second he stops he just knows that he will end up face first on the floor. Stopping is not an option, he doesn't stop until he is locked into the bathroom where he can pass out on the floor without anyone seeing him.

He has no idea how long he was passed out for, but he can feel every point of his body that was in contact with the hard floor. His heart rate was still through the roof and his ears kept ringing. 

He could hear voices from the locker room and he knew he couldn't hide out there for any longer or people would have a lot of questions. 

7 minutes. He sees the clock say 6:07, practice ended seven minutes ago and the team is already hitting the showers.

Mack crosses the room over to his spot on the bench, taking off his helmet and gloves on the way there. No one seems to be brave enough to ask him any questions but he can feel the wandering eyes burning on his back.

Mack spends the very last of his energy getting the heavy gears off of his overheated body. He feels like he is moving in slow motion, like he is too slow for the world he lives in. Everyone else is collecting their things after the shower, getting dressed and heading to the bus. Meanwhile Mack is struggling to just take his gear off. 

Mack is among the last guys to get back to the bus, carrying his own bag before getting the reputation of having to have people do it for him. He suffers, his whole body is burning and every step he takes feels like having to haul a goddamn semi truck up a hill behind him. He is out of breath and so lightheaded that he is genuinely surprised that he makes it all the way to a seat on the bus without passing out. 

Mack is already sweating right through his new change of fresh clothes but he can't even be bothered to think about how utterly disgusting he must be right now. All that matters is making sure to not pass out in front of the whole team.

Mack is joined by Ecky after Will sticks around with Toff again. 

Ecky doesn't bother him with talking, but the worried look on Eckys face still hurts in Mack. He wants to tell everyone to stop worrying about him, but he can't convince them of it when he can't even convince himself of the fact. Because he really isn't fine. If he's being honest he is just as worried himself. Worried every flare will be his new baseline, worried there will come a day where his body just refuses to play hockey. Afraid that everyone will find out about his illness and start treating him differently. But after the last few days they might have already seen enough to treat him differently. But he just never wants to be seen as weak, seen as anything less than a great hockey player.

The bus stops by their hotel and the players start getting up, grabbing their bags.

“Meet back down in the hotel restaurant in ten for dinner” a loud voice explains before they are let off the bus. 

Ecky takes their bags down from the shelf over the seats and hands it to Mack who can barely handle the weight. But he pushes through, he is so close to being back in his room, back in his bed.

Will reaches up to Mack and they get in the same elevator together with another ten guys heading up to their rooms. 

Mack follows Will through the corridors and he lets go of his bag the second he makes it inside on the way to the bed where he finally gets to stop carrying his heavy body.

“Guess you don't feel like going back down for dinner” Will says as he places both their bags by the foot of the bed.

Mack mumbles something in response that is far from being a word, but Will gets it. 

“Ill go down and grab us some food while you get in the shower and then you get to rest okay?” Will says softly.

“Thanks Will” Mack finally gathers enough strength to give Will an answer.

Will drags Mack out of bed and leads him toward the bathroom before leaving to get them dinner.

“I will be right back Macky” Will says, kissing Mack's forehead before disappearing.

Mack can smell the classic scent of the locker room shampoo still lingering in Will's freshly washed hair before the other guy pulls away and disappears.

Mack does as he is told and drags himself into the bathroom. He just can't bring himself to take a cold shower, not when he is so feverish. Not when his whole body is aching from the practice.

He steps into the shower and immediately sits down on the floor, letting the water flow over his body, washing the sweat from practice away and down the drain. His arms feel impossibly heavy as he runs shampoo through his hair. He lets his tears escape, concealed in the water flowing down his face. He hates crying, hates how it makes him feel small and vulnerable. But at this moment that is exactly what he is.

Mack finally turns off the water after the last remaining soap dripped off of his warm body in the steamy warm bathroom. He knows it was a bad idea. A warm shower never fails to make his blood pressure plummet and heart rate shoot through the roof but sometimes he just prefers to feel the pain physically rather than mentally. And having to always make the right decisions takes a toll on the mind.

Mack stands up and grabs his towel, hanging it around his waist before he steps out of the shower.

But he stands too fast, walks a step too far, in a room too warm. There is nothing to catch himself on. Nothing but his face that ends up hitting the tiled floor with a loud thud. 

Mack is totally out of it. His mind goes blank the second he steps out of the shower, but he knows it. He knows he will pass out from the second he takes a step, but his mind reacts slower than his body, and there is nothing to do to save it. 

Will hurries through the corridor and down to the restaurant of the hotel where half the team is waiting for dinner to start. 

“Toff I'm gonna grab some food to bring up to Mack and I” Will says the second he spots Toff in the crowd.

“How is he?” Toff asks.

“I… I don't know. But I think it's bad Toff” Will says with tears in his eyes.

Toff pulls him into a hug. He finds some personnel to ask if they can get two boxes to fill with food from the buffet. Will is grateful to have Toff helping him.

The rest of the team is all collected for the team dinner by the time Will gets handed two boxes so he and Toff follow the rest of the guys to the buffet.

Will grabs all Mack's favorites, salting them extra because that's what Mack always does for some reason. He gets Mack some steak and potatoes with a bunch of asparagus and broccoli on the side, as well as a slice of ham and mushroom pizza and some Caesar salad. And of course a lava cake for dessert. He fills his own box with the same stuff before leaving, hurrying back to the elevator. 

The rest of the team sits down together by a long table and Will can see the two open spots that should be his and Mack's. He loves team dinners, Mack does too but preferably with his headphones on. But Will doesn't let himself feel sad for missing out. Because he gets to spend time with his favorite person in the world. 

So Will gets going, up the elevator, through the long corridor until finally reaching their room.

“Hey Mack, I'm back! U hungry? I got all your faves” Will exclaims as he steps through the door.

Mack isn't on his bed.

“Hey Mack, where are you?” Will says, still lightness in his voice as he puts the food down on a little round table in the corner of the room just by the door. 

Still no answer.

“Hey Mack, you're worrying me. Where are you” Will continues, being hit with an uneasy feeling of something being wrong.

Will walks through the room, still no sign of Mack. 

He must be in the bathroom still, Will thinks to himself before knocking on the door. 

“Hey Mack, if you don't answer I'm coming in” Will yells at the door that he is grateful to find unlocked.

Will takes a deep breath before opening the door. But that deep breath was nowhere close to being deep enough to prepare him for the sight ahead.

“MACK” Will screams in terror as he sees the boy in front of him laying face down in a puddle of what could only be his own blood seeping out of his body.

There are still droplets of water covering Mack's skin as he lays there on the cold tiled floor of a hotel bathroom, with only a towel covering his waist.

There is blood everywhere, its splashed on the white tiles on the wall, its spreading out around his face, soaking into his hair where the strands meets the floor.

Will's vision is clouded by the tears streaming down his face worse than he has ever experienced. He freezes for a split second but before his mind has even registered it he is down on his knees right beside Mack, frantically crying his name.

“Mack, Macky please just wake up” He cries. As he carefully picks up Mack's head.

His eyebrow is split wide open, letting the warm red blood that gives him life pour out of his broken body.

Will checks to see that Mack is breathing, and feels his heart racing way faster than it should. But Mack is alive, his Mack is still alive.

Will picks up his phone without even registering it and his first instinct is to call Toff.

“Toff. you need to come right now” Will continues crying.

“It's… Mack” Will continues before Toff can respond.

Will can hear Toff pushing his chair away and start running through the restaurant.

Will doesn't hang up but he lets his phone fall to the ground before he picks up Mack into his own lap, flipping him around to see his face.

He spots the port on his chest, the chest he hadn't ever seen naked before. And it feels wrong to see it under these circumstances. Mack had seen Will's when they were kissing, and not just seen it, but covered it with bites and bruises, claimed it as his own. But Mack's bare chest was something more sacred, something secret.

“My god Mack what have you been hiding from me” Will whispered in despair.

It couldn't have taken Toff more than a minute before he barged into the room. 

He always has his own key to Will and Mack's room. At least he has had one since like the third time on the road after they managed to oversleep for the second time. 

Toff springs into action right away. He tells Will to get Mack's feet up on the toilet seat to elevate his legs, and he applies pressure to the still bleeding wound in his face with a towel that quickly turns from white to deep red. Will is not sure he has ever seen so much blood at once. 

It happens that someone on the team gets a few stitches in their face, but never like this, never quite this big.

“Hey Will, can you call the team medics, they have to come and sew this” Toff says with his steady trustworthy voice that takes Will down on earth for a second before his mind spins away from him.

“How do I call them? I don't think I have their number, I can't. Toff what do I do” Will panics. Feeling useless that he can't even complete the simple task of making the phone call.

“Mack has their number on his phone,” Toff explains.

Will doesn't even have to type the password on Mack's phone, his face is enough to unlock the other guy's phone. 

Will scrolls through his contact before he finds the right number and puts it on speaker.

Mack makes a slight move and it's enough for Will to turn all his attention to the boy on the floor.

Toff takes over the phone call as Will can't process a single thing outside of the movements of Mack.

“Aww fuck what happened” Mack groans with a weak voice.

“Will are you okay, are you bleeding?” Mack says, sounding more awake at the thought of Will being hurt.

“No Mack, I'm fine. How the fuck are you doing? Mack, Mack it. It's your blood” Will respond, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Oh fuck, I'm so sorry Will” Mack continues weakly.

“Mack you scared me. Fuck you scared me so bad” Will continued, tears still dripping from his cheeks.

Mack reached up to wipe some of the tears off of Will's face before pulling him down by the jaw until they were mere inches away from each other.

“I'm sorry for keeping this from you," Mack said carefully, and Will could feel the air vibrating through every word between them.

“Mack” Will tried to speak but his voice couldn't get steady enough.

“God I love you” Mack says, so quiet it's almost a whisper. Only meant for Will to hear. But Mack is so focused on Will that he doesn't even release that Toff is right there with them, still talking to the med team on the phone.

“Love you too Macky” Will says after gathering the strength to speak. 

Will closes the last of the distance between them and Mack is quick to deepen the kiss. It makes them both forget about the whole situation for a second. 

Something is different, something shifted. It's the first kiss after admitting their feelings, the feelings they always knew about deep down, but the feelings that just means something even more special after admitting it out loud. 

Mack loves Will. And Will loves Mack.

Toff can't hide the huge smile on his face, not that he wants to. 

“I promise I will tell you everything Will” Mack finally said after Will pulled out of the kiss to get some air.

“I will let you in on it, I will let you help me, I promise” Mack continued.

Will kissed him again to shut him up.

“Thanks Mack” Will smiled down at him.

“Then, I guess I get to ask you how you are feeling” Will continued, looking down at Mack with fond eyes.

“Like I just caught my whole body with my head on a tile floor,” Mack let out a small laugh.

“No but I'm actually doing kind of fine right now. But I'm probably done with hockey for the trip” Mack continued, actually telling the truth for once.

“Yeah, you get to just lay in the bed for the rest of the trip, just tell me what to do. I will do anything that you ask me for” Will said, sounding relieved to finally get the truth out of Mack.

“Anything you say, really. That's fun” Mack said with a small wink and mischievous smirk on his face that revealed just what he had in mind. 

Toff cleared his throat, grabbing the boys attention.

“Okay kiddos, hate to ruin your romantic little moment over there but you will probably want to stop that before the med team comes through the door any second now” Toff said, sounding a little uncomfortable, getting to hear more about Mack's plans for Will for this trip than he would like to know. 

“Omg I'm so sorry Toff I didn't even know you were there” Mack said, his face going bright red.

“Oh fuck I forgot you were there “ Will laughed uncomfortably.

“Hey, will you please not tell anyone about this?” Will pleaded.

“Tell them about what? I'm pretty sure they will see Mack having stitches in his face” Toff responded confused.

“No, I. I mean please don't tell them about this” Will explains, pointing between himself and Mack.

“Oh Will. I'm pretty sure you two are like the last two people to figure out that you love each other. I mean, you two do know we can see you kiss each other on the cheek when celebrating your goals. And you are more or less attached at the hip. I quite frankly think they would be more surprised to hear that you two are just friends, than they would be to hear you are boyfriends” Toff explained with a warm laugh.

Will and Mack just looked at each other with a shocked expression before starting to laugh. Their laughter fills the space with warmth and happiness, a kind of laugh that only comes out of two best friends being in love.

There is a knock on the door and the med team comes in with bags of medical stuff. Will keeps holding on to Mack's hand but he leaves the two people with some space to work.

They get the bleeding to stop and takes his vitals. Mack gets a couple of beta blockers to get his heart rate out of the 180s and hopefully down to something slightly less terrible. 

Mack is fucking tough and takes the stitches like a champ, but Will can feel him squeeze his hand every time the needle goes through his skin.

They clean the blood away and connect Mack to a bag of saline to get some more volume into his bloodstream before deciding that Mack will be fine. 

They leave soon after and Mack gets to just enjoy the quiet of being with Will and Toff. 

They get him over to the bed and Toff reheats their dinner in the microwave while Will helps Mack get a pair of underwear and some sweatpants on, that he stole from Will months ago. But he waits with the shirt. 

He wants to make the most out of his chance to see Mack shirtless. His eyes trail over the muscles that stand out from his fair skin. There is a little bit of softness around his lower stomach and Will can't wait to trail his light fingers over the curves the second Toff leaves. 

“Will, can you stop checking your boyfriend out, and come help me with your dinner?” Toff says and Mack laughs loudly. Will is less amused. He can feel himself blushing from his toes to his ears.

“Will, you get to inspect it closer the second Toff leaves” Mack jokes.

“Thank you Toff for saving me, Thank you Toff for leaving team dinner for me” Toff tries to sound annoyed but he can only laugh.

“Thank you Toff” Mack says, really meaning it.

“Now will you please let me kiss my boyfriend in private” Mack jokes after Toff and Will finish reheating their food in the microwave.

“My god, what have I done to deserve this? Please just keep me out of your sex life. I really don't want to know anything about it, Ever” Toff grimaces before giving them both a hug.

“Breakfast at eight. Don't stay up all night, and please, i don't want to hear any of your teammates complaining of noise coming from this room tonight” Toff yells before shutting the door behind him.

“What are you waiting for?” Mack says from the bed.

Will won't be asked twice before he is on top of the other guy in a tangle of limbs and laughter and kisses.

They had to reheat their food another two times before they finally got to eat their dinner, getting to distracted.

Mack tells Will everything between kisses and cuddles and more than one orgasm that night and neither of them makes it to breakfast the following morning.

Mack tells Will about his diagnosis, about everything that he needs to do to feel okay, tells him just how and when Will can help him.

He talks about the bullying in college, how they guys looked at him differently because of it and how it almost ended his career before it had even started. 

By the time the sun starts finding its way through the curtains Mack’s voice is almost gone. They've talked about everything. About the meds, the fevers, the passing out, the hiding, the fear. All the things he never thought he’d say out loud. And Will just… listened. Didn’t flinch. Didn’t pull away.

Will finally understands. He understands why Mack kept fighting alone, why he kept it to himself. Will understands that Mack felt like he had to keep swimming so Will didn’t have to see him drown.

Mack is slumped against the wall, legs pulled up, head tipped back. He feels wrung out, but lighter. Like someone finally cut the weights off his chest. Will sits on the bed beside him, shoulder pressed to Mack’s, close enough that Mack can feel the warmth right at his bare chest.

“You good?” Will asks quietly.

Mack nods. 

“Yeah. I think so.” Mack answers, it’s small, but it’s real.

Will hums, leaning his head against Mack’s shoulder. 

“Good. ’Cause I’m not going anywhere.”

Mack lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. His eyes sting, but he doesn’t look away. Don't hide. Because now he sees the other side of it, sees how Will can help him. Will can let him rest. Let him recover. Will sticks up for him, always has. Mack just needed to lean on him a little more. And he won’t make the mistake again.

“Okay,” Mack whispers.

Will shift just enough to bump their knees together. 

“You should sleep.”

“You should too,” Mack mutters.

Will laughs softly. 

“I will. Just” He reaches out, fingers brushing Mack’s wrist, gentle and grounding. 

“Wake me if you need anything. For real this time.” Will continues.

Mack swallows. Nods again. 

“Yeah. I will.”

They sit there for another minute, breathing in sync without meaning to. The room is quiet. The world is quiet. For once, Mack’s body is quiet too.

And for the first time in a long time, he doesn’t feel like he has to keep swimming just to stay alive.

He just… rests.

With Will beside him.