Chapter Text
Matt forces his breath to keep steady as he frantically searches for somewhere secluded enough to sit. He feels like he's suffocating against the crowded airport terminal, people constantly crashing into him from all sides jostling him as their bags and jackets push against him making him suppress a scream with gritted teeth. Truthfully, he hates the airport, hates travelling in general, this is the last place he wants to be on a good day, let alone when he’s feeling like this.
He exhales another weak attempt at a steadying breath when his eyes finally fall upon a row of hard plastic seats that're tucked away in a secluded part of the airport, there are less people here, less noise bleeding in through his noise cancelling headphones. If he was able to focus on anything other than trying to get his increasingly unsteady breaths under control he’d note that he's found himself at an abandoned departure gate, likely on the complete opposite side of the airport to where he actually needs to be, but with the way his mind is clouded and his hands are beginning to twitch nervously from where they're shoved deep into his jean pockets, he can't bring himself to care right now.
The further away he is the better, he thinks bitterly.
He stalks over towards the bench on unstable legs and collapses down onto it, letting out another heavy sigh as he's relieved to finally have something steady underneath him whilst he tries to regain his bearings. He pitches forward to rake his shaky hands across his still pallid face as he takes a moment to press harshly at his eyes, allowing the darkness to take over his vision but grimaces as multicoloured stars start to dance freely behind his lids, only serving to make the nasty mix of motion sickness and vertigo even worse.
He’s almost embarrassed by how long he’s felt sick for. He thought for sure that he’d be fine again within the first 20 minutes of getting out of the stunt plane, having placed his feet back on the solid asphalt of the runway and politely ignored the placating comforts of “this happens all the time,” from his plane instructor. He’d taken the time to hand Matt another ginger ale, clapping him on the back with the reassurance that it was normal for people to feel “a bit wavey” for a couple of hours afterwards and that there was nothing to worry about.
Sure, flying in a stunt plane had seemed like a good idea when he’d first thought up the idea months ago, and sure, it was going to be a great surprise, one that he couldn't wait to show his brothers. He’d never done anything like this before, never pushed himself out of his own comfort zone like that before, ever. It seemed crazy and surreal in hindsight, still not fully believing that he’d done that by himself, even as he thinks back to the breathtaking views, albeit upside down from outside the plane window. He was so proud of himself, and knows that if his brothers knew, they would be too. They would understand that this was more than just a ride in a stunt plane or even a fun surprise for their upcoming tour for him, instead a huge step for Matt in facing his fears, not only of heights but of his own independence. Finally going against his crippling anxiety about going out and doing things on his own without his brothers, something he's been working so endlessly hard on and his heart can't help but swell as he thinks about how proud they’ll be when they find out. But right now, sitting quietly amid the chaos of the airport around him, his legs still shake and breaths beginning to stutter uncomfortably, he's not sure that it was such a good call afterall.
Unfortunately, he really has no other choice but to get back to LA tonight, especially if he wants to keep his surprise a secret. Since the start of the tour planning, he, Nick and Chris have been watching like hawks, eyeing each other suspiciously whenever any of them make plans outside of the house that don’t involve the others. It’s been fun, trying to pester the secret surprises out of his brothers when they get home. He's done so well at keeping his own plans a secret so far and he’d hate to ruin it all now, which means he really has no other choice but to get back to LA tonight before his brothers start to suspect anything.
But getting back home meant flying.
He's hopeless to stop the way his stomach violently lurches at the idea of being back in the sky again so soon, trapped inside what is essentially a pepsi can suspended at 30,000 feet in the air.
He forces out another heaving sigh as he tries to steady himself, his knees bounce in an uncontrolled rhythm against the waxed floor, suddenly feeling like did back in high school when he’d wait outside of the principal's office to be reprimanded harshly and unfairly for something that probably wasn't even his fault. He forces his mind to move away from the terrifying ordeal of principals offices and being upside down inside stunt planes and instead thinks about his brothers as he wonders what they’ve been up to today. Weirdly he misses them, the familiar loud laughter and pointless chatter that would serve as a much needed and comforting distraction right now is absent and Matt feels his chest pull tightly. He’s always been reassured by his brother's unwavering presence right beside him, leaving him feeling unsteady and unsure of what to do with himself now that they’re not here.
It probably didn't help that he’d missed them at dinner last night, not wanting to emerge from the safety of his bedroom as his stomach was twisting anxiously about his plans today, making him far too nauseous to stomach anything they were sweetly trying to offer him. He’d left the house early this morning too, before the sun was even fully up, not wanting to bother either of them by waking them up to say goodbye before making his way to the airport, avoiding the inevitable questioning was also a benefit. Though now as he sits here on his own, his loneliness only amplified as he wishes they’d seen him off this morning.
He’s biting at what little remains of his nails, not really caring that he’s now biting at the soft skin around them, painfully beginning to draw blood as the tannoy crackles to life above his head announcing that his flight is delayed. Matt hates just how relieved he feels at the idea of not being back on a stupid plane for at least another 30 minutes.
He really can't shake this jittery feeling inside his chest that's starting to make his hands tremble violently against where they’re pressed up to his mouth. He doesn't know why he’s suddenly so shaken, he did it, he got inside the plane, he did the surprise, filmed some great content and everything was fine. He survived, he didn't crash, he’s got all of his arms and legs still attached, everything is okay and it has been the whole time.
So why was he feeling like he couldn't breathe?
He knows that there's no chance in hell that he’ll be able to get on the plane back home whilst he's feeling like this, especially not with how his head’s beginning to spin and his body is starting to convulse, control slipping further out of his grasp no matter how hard he fights it.
He realises embarrassingly late that he's panicking. That he's about to have a panic attack, here in the airport, on his own. He mentally barates himself, how had he managed to miss this? He knows it's probably pointless to try and stop it now that it's coming and likely going to hit him with an alarming speed, the best he can do is not make it any worse, he concludes as he sets about running through his rolodex of coping skills. Fuck, he really hopes that no one can see him right now, this is always so embarrassing.
His panic only increases as none of his usual breathing or grounding methods work, that he's completely hopeless to stop the way his stuttered breaths pick up into the heavy and ragged gasps that catch painfully against his rib cage. He knows that if he's desperate to stop this from getting any worse than it already is, the humiliation already burning its way up the back of his neck, he's going to be forced to resort to some of his more unhealthy coping strategies, the ones he’d promised his brothers he’d never do again. He thinks needs to call someone and quickly, he needs someone else to help pull him out of this, he's beyond the point of being able to deal with this himself. He needs help before he ends up hurting himself again without thinking in a desperate attempt to make himself feel some semblance of okay again, not properly in his mind as it continues to fill with paralysing terror.
He sighs defeatedly, feeling completely devastated by the betrayal from his own mind as he reaches into his pocket for his phone, swiping desperately with unsteady fingers as he searches for Nick's contact. He hates the way he hesitates over the call button, would Nick be mad at him for calling, for ruining his surprise?
He knows that Nick would be even more mad at him if he found out that Matt was feeling like this and didn't call.
He just hopes that Nick won't ask as many questions as he fears Chris might, or that if the older figures out his surprise which is more than likely, he’ll at least keep it a secret from the youngest, hating that he’s the first one to spoil a surprise. Always ruining their fun, he thinks miserably as he finally presses call.
Matt continues to tap his feet and bite harshly at his fingers as he waits for the call to connect, not sure what he would do if Nick was too busy to call. To his relief, Nick picks up on the second ring as his clear and warm voice sings smoothly through the phone speakers, interrupting his rapidly spiralling thoughts that’re now beginning to pull him under, “Hey Matt!”
“Nick,” Matt starts, hating how choked up his voice sounds already, “I dont- I dont feel good, Nick. I’m s-sorry, I wasn’t going t-to call but-”
“Oh Matt,” he hears Nick sigh softly as the elation in his voice fades to thinly veiled worry, “are you anxious, honey?”
Matt hums an affirmative, unable to trust his voice to say anything more without risking bursting into tears in the middle of the airport which would no doubt draw the unwanted attention of onlookers. He doesn't know why but after hearing Nick’s voice, it becomes apparent to him just how far away Nick is, a whole plane journey away, a plane that he would have to get on in order to be back close to Nick again, something that feels way beyond his limits right now. The realisation only makes him despair as he's trapped in a situation he can't get out of, knowing that he has to get on that plane if he wants to get home and back to the safety of his brothers.
But he can't.
“Alright, sweetheart, it's okay. Where are you, are you somewhere safe?” Nick continues calmly, though he doesn't miss the undercurrent of urgency colouring his voice.
“N-no, I’m at the airport. I-I can’t tell you why, o-or what’s going on but I can't get on the plane. I just can't- I can’t do it, Nick!”
“Okay, okay, listen to me,” Nick interrupts Matt’s now frantic rambling that's beginning to mix with a few dry sobs. He makes sure to keep his voice calm and authoritative when Matt eventually stops to listen, "you're fine, you're safe, ‘kay? Say it out loud for me,”
“I’m okay, I’m safe,” Matt repeats through shaky breaths, “But I can’t Nick, I feel like I’m going to die,”
“I know baby but that's just the adrenaline talking, you know that,” Nick reminds him easily, “can you try and fix your breathing with me? It’ll make you feel better I promise, it might be kinda hard over the phone but-”
“I’ll try,” Matt promises willing to do almost anything to make this nightmarish feeling finally go away, “please just help me, Nick,”
Matt can hear Nick’s smile through the phone as his older brother starts guiding him carefully through the routine breathing exercises that they’ve used since way back when Matt’s paralysing anxiety had first made itself known; an invasive and unwelcome shadow that has loomed over him ever since.
He remembers sitting in Nick's room back then, on his bed as warm hands steadily entwined against his own shaking ones whilst the older coached him through his neverending panic, ragged breaths and choking sobs. It had become a well practised routine of theirs, his brothers always patient and sweet as they sat with him, encouraging him softly whilst reminding him that it was okay and that they would be there the whole time whilst he tried so hard to regain control of his breathing, listening along to the soundtrack of their steady instructions. He can't help but smile at the memory of Nick clumsily referencing all of the videos and websites that he’d been researching, wanting to do everything he possibly could to help ease the biting terror his younger brother was feeling.
He’d told Matt once after he’d calmed down from an attack and they were just lying on his bed quietly as Matt came back to himself slowly that he hated it, hated watching Matt paralysed by panic more than anything as he vowed to do everything and anything he could to make them even a little easier for him.
Matt’s so thankful for him, he realises with a startling clarity as he feels himself finally begin to resurface.
Eventually, his breathing fades into something less frantic, though it continues to burn his chest as he holds it there, only daring to release it when Nick tells him to. His mind still a blur of panic and half finished thoughts, though the calm finally swaddles him like a weighted blanket serves as a welcome relief as the violent shaking begins to ease off. He hates the shaking the most, loathing the way he can’t control his own movements, oftentimes only further feeding his panic, feeling like he’s a string lined puppet being trashed around harshly, leaving him with bones heavy and filled with static as a persistent ache remains, a harsh and unwanted reminder even hours later.
“Better?” Nick asks a while later, after they've finished their breathing exercises and simply stayed on the line in silence, his voice pulling Matt out of his head as he slowly realises he’s been floating for a while. He waits for Matt’s hum of confirmation before continuing, sighing quietly before he speaks, “Listen Matty, if this is about one of your surprises, don't force yourself okay? This is meant to be fun, Chris and I, we want you to go and have fun, not this…”
“I-i know,” Matt nods, guilt beginning to crawl up his spine as he starts to curl further into himself, “I don't know why this one got me so bad, I was totally fine during the f-filming. I don't understand w-why it's hit me all at once,”
“It happens sometimes,” Nick’s quick to reassure him as he catches the shame that's colouring Matt’s voice leaving it small and meek, not wanting him to fall back into another spiral, knowing how exhausted he already is; his panic attacks always knock him out of commission for a while afterwards and it marks Nick’s heart twist in worry at the thought of Matt being on his own in an airport who knows how far away from them, “you’re okay though, right? You’re not going to have another one are you?”
“No, no,” Matt laughs softly despite himself, “and that was one time, Nick,”
“Scared the shit outta me and Chris through,” he replies, laughing softly through the phone before pausing for a moment, “not to set you off again, cause I would really hate to have to inconvenience you with all that again, but what time’s your flight outta there?”
Ah shit… Matt realises as he has no idea how long he’d been panicking for, or what updates he might have missed about his flight. He pulls his phone away from his ear for a second, squinting down at his screen for any flight updates and can't help the breath of relief that rushes from his chest as he sees that the plane is still on the ground, preparing for boarding. He doesn't know what he would've done had he missed his flight, whilst getting on the flight still sounded like his worst nightmare, having to reschedule his entire flight and deal with everything that comes with it sounds infinitely worse.
“Boarding starts in 10 minutes," he tells Nick who hums in response.
He doesn't know what hits him so suddenly, but a sob erupts from his chest. Maybe it's the residual anxiety humming in his chest or the exhaustion from the panic attack he’d just had but he's overwhelmed by the desperate and urgent need to be with his brothers, longing to be back with Nick and Chris, curled up closely on their couch as they watch something on TV together, or listen to music and rolling their eyes fondly every time Chris gets up to dance, dragging one or both of them up with him to join in as laughter fills the room. “I just want to be home already,” he whispers, doing everything to stop the longing whimper that's sitting high in his throat from escaping, “I hate this,”
“I know sweetheart, but you'll be home soon, right?”
“Not soon enough,” he whines, wanting desperately to just curl up into a ball, break down and cry. He's so over being at the airport and completely over with this surprise. He's tired, anxious and wants nothing more than to crawl back into the safety of their home and hide himself away, burrowing into the sanctuary of his bed indefinitely.
“You’re such a baby, sometimes,” Nick teases with a fond smile on his lips and it brings the smile back to Matt’s own as he can't help but protest, bringing him back from the precipice of overwhelm, “You should head to your gate maybe? The last thing you need is to miss your fucking flight cause you’re being a drama queen,”
His words punch a laugh out of Matt and subsequently Nick too. He agrees quietly, leaning into the joke a little before taking the time to thank Nick sweetly for his help, reassuring him more times than is probably necessary that he’s okay and that he doesn't need Nick to stay on the line until literally the moment before the plane takes off, though he knows that Nick would do that for him without question, he'd stop at nothing to ensure that he’d be okay and comfortable. With one final reassurance that he'd be okay and that he loves him, Matt’s unable to stop his smirk as he hears Nick’s final loud kissy sound echo through the phone before he ends their call and moves to stand up on stiff legs that’re still recovering from the way they’d been shaking earlier as he starts to make his way towards his gate, just as the final boarding call echoes through the tannoy above him.
He’s still nervous but the promise of his brothers waiting for him at home, encourages him to be brave.
He gets home much later than he’d anticipated thanks to the LA traffic.
He’s beyond exhausted by the time he’s finally able to hop out of the uber and unlock their front door.
The tension drains from his heavy shoulders with every step he climbs, unable to stop the small smile that graces his lips as he listens to Nick and Chris arguing childishly in the kitchen that quickly melt into fits of laughter after a couple of insults and stupid nicknames were thrown around.
It's Chris that spots him first, his eyes lighting up immediately as he throws his phone down carelessly onto the table as he takes a running jump in Matt’s direction, allowing himself to be caught easily into his older brother's arms as he squeezes him tightly.
“Where the fuck were you!” Chris begins to chide, sounding far too gleeful at the rare opportunity to scold his older brother with a grin that never leaves his face as he leans in with an eyebrow quirked in mock accusation, “out filming a surprise, I hope,”
“Nothing like that,” he denies easily, biting down the smile that pulls against his lips as he meets Nick's eyes from where he’s leaning against the kitchen counters watching them both.
“You better have a damn good excuse,” Nick smirks as he sends him a sly wink before turning his attention back to his phone, likely to finish ordering whatever food he and Chris were just arguing about.
Matt lets Chris squeeze him for a moment longer before setting him back down as he lets himself be pulled further into the room.
He rolls his eyes with a smile on his lips as their once entwined hands drop between them as Chris rushes over to confirm his own order on Nick's phone before rushing back towards him as he holds the bright phone screen in front of his face, “Yo Matt, y’want anything?”
Matt shakes his head, still feeling a little nauseous from the mix of terror and adrenaline that continues to reside low in his stomach and the thought of food only makes his stomach twist sharply, “nah, long day, um… actually, I’m kinda feeling a little sick to be honest so I think I’m just gonna shower and go to bed,”
He doesn’t miss the way Chris’s eyes dim with disappointment, though he recovers quickly as the opening notes of his current favourite song begin to play through the speakers. Matt takes it as his excuse to leave, scurrying to the bathroom, unable to stand the feeling itching under his skin any longer, he thinks he might claw his skin clean off if he doesn’t shower in the next five minutes.
Matt didn't know it was possible for showers to work actual magic, but now that he’s finally clean, the dirt and grime of the day washed down the drain alongside any of his residual unease about their upcoming tour, he feels so much better; his heart no longer racing and his mind finally clear of its anxious haze.
He crawls into his bed surrounded by the softness of his comforter and cool plush pillows and finally lets out the final stuttering breath that had been constricting his chest tightly since he’d left their home this morning. He was okay, he’d made it back home safely, and he’d actually managed to keep his surprise a secret - though he mainly thanks Nick’s unwavering discretion for that.
His door creaks open a while later, he’s not quite asleep yet but he's close to it, the events of the day pulling all of the bones from his body as he lies completely drained. He’s too tired to even think about biting back the smile that graces his lips as he hears the familiar sound of footsteps pad further into his room and climbs into the bed behind him.
He doesn't mind the interruption.
“You awake, Matty?” to his surprise, its Chris’ voice that murmurs from next to him as warm hands begin to search for his own under the blanket and sighing happily as he settles himself around him, “Nick told me to check in on you, said you were anxious earlier, panicking,”
The sadness that bleeds into Chris’ voice makes his heart ache, he knows that his anxiety upsets both of his brothers, but Chris takes it harder than Nick does. He’s the worst at handling it out of the three of them, it's a rare occurrence now but he used to have to run away, unable to bear seeing his brother be completely absorbed by his anxieties, only to beat himself up about it later, feeling awful that he couldn't help Matt in the way he needed, in the way Chris desperately wanted to be able to help him. He’s worked so hard to get better at helping him, Matt knows, but he’s never minded, he thinks it's sweet just how deeply his brother feels everything and how much he must care and love him that even though the sight of him panicking like that is too much sometimes, Chris always tries his best for him and that's more than enough.
“I was. Earlier though, I'm good now,” he hums, drawing Chris’ hand over towards his chest as if to prove that his breathing’s now soft and even, no longer the heavy drumroll it had been earlier.
“You sure?” he checks, giving their entwined hands a soft squeeze,“you know you don't have to be,”
“I know Chris,” Matt assures him quietly as he lets his body relax further into the lull of sleep.
“D’you wanna talk about it?” Chris whispers through his own exhaustion, the love and concern bleeding out of Chris is palpable as he’s always so attentive in making sure that he’s okay, even hours after it’s all happened.
“Tomorrow,” Matt practically slurs, definitely more than half asleep now with the way Chris is warmly pressed up against his back, he swears the younger is like a space heater, always running a few degrees warmer than Matt himself, who’s seemingly always cold, “I’ll be okay, if you stay,”
He mentally rolls his eyes behind his closed lids as he feels Chris jerk his head up to look at him, not needing to see to know the look of soft surprise and relief that spreads across his face.
“You’ll actually let me stay?” Chris asks not trying very hard to hide his obvious delight as he wastes no time before snuggling further into the comforter and subsequently into Matt, letting his own eyes fall closed with a whispered, “goodnight Matty, love you. We’re always so proud of you,”
There’s a warmth glowing in his chest like a little ball of light as Matt sighs contentedly, finally letting the final callings of sleep claim him as the words “love you too,” leave his lips.
He falls asleep with Chris pressed against him, his steady breathing acting as a guide for him to follow, His heart swelling with the knowledge and confirmation that his brothers were proud of him, are proud of him regardless of what he does. His final thought before sleep pulls him under about how he can't wait for Nick and Chris to watch his surprise later on tour and knowing that they’ll be even more proud of him then.