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I lied to myself last night, saying it was for him, but I wanted it.
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When I woke up, he was looking at me. I didn’t know what to say. All I could manage to do was pull the blanket closer, blushing behind the protective barrier.
I could see he had a pained look on his face; there was clearly something he wanted to say, but couldn’t build up the nerve. I knew exactly how he felt. I should speak up.
But looking at him there with his chest open, knowing that just below the blanket he wore nothing. I didn’t want to bring the real world into this room just yet. He looked so handsome, I wanted to lean over and hug him.
But how could I? I knew he had someone waiting for him back home. But still, my heart fluttered every time I saw him open his mouth to speak before abandoning the words.
“Good morning, Rudy.”
“Good morning, Miss Roxy.”
“How are you? Last night, was it…”
I was having a hard time finding the right words to ask if what I did had helped him. He was wasting away in here; the condition his mother was in made the death of his father meaningless. He was blaming himself, and I couldn’t watch.
Elinalise said it was the only way she knew how to help him. “Men perk up during the act, and their minds seem far clearer after than they did at any other point in their lives.” I lied to myself last night, saying it was for him, but I wanted it.
For forty years, I’ve looked like this, and I cursed my race. What good is living 200 years if I’m stuck alone for 150, looking like a 12-year-old with the mind of a woman? Watching friends date and marry, watching them make a home and have children.
While I stood on the sidelines pining, every man who ever made my heart flutter looked at me with disgust when I confessed. The idea of being with me, holding me, lying with me was unbearable.
But as I wallowed in loneliness, I could not fault them, for when I did see men look at me with lust, I was revolted. What animals must they be to think that way of me in this body?
But when I met Rudeus, it was different. He was a child prodigy, and I was his teacher. At five years old, when he said he liked me, proposing marriage on a whim, as kids do. I was not revolted. Improper or not, I did not object to receiving affection from someone for whom my body was age-appropriate.
And now here he was, twelve years later. Walking back into my life like a prince from my fairytale, saving me from the dungeon. Carrying me home. So after forty years of unanswered affection, when he looked at me with the same eyes from back then, I fell for him.
Rudeus was a mage who far outshone me in my own craft. He had the muscle and physique of his father, a knight. And he rode halfway across the world for duty and family. How could a girl not fall for him? Now he was old enough for me to accept his affection.
In the twelve years we were apart, he grew into a fine man, tall, handsome, and well respected. While I did grow a bit, I had barely advanced to the equivalent of a fourteen-year-old human. Preparing myself for rejection, I steeled my resolve to confess to him once we had rescued his mother.
But the final trip into the dungeon ended in disaster. Rudeus’s mother, Zenith, was rescued from the hydra at the cost of Rudeus’s left hand and his father's life. Then, when everyone had started accepting the cost of the rescue, we discovered Zenith was broken.
The 6 years trapped in a crystal, the prized possession of a greedy dragon, had left her mind shattered. While she could walk and eat when assisted, she could do nothing else but stare into the distance.
Rudeus fell into despair, and while everyone else worked to help him return to normal, I found myself being despicable. All I was doing was cursing my luck for missing my chance to confess.
While Rudeus refused to eat and was wasting away, I drank my own sorrows away. So when Elinalise and Geese discussed the nature of men and grief, and how Elinalise has had results by distracting them in bed. Drunk, selfish, and full of self-pity, I listened closely, taking the wrong parts of their discussion to heart.
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So now I am here, feeling happy despite the raw skin and mild burning between my thighs. I felt good in a way I didn’t deserve.
“Good morning, Rudy.”
“Good morning, Miss Roxy.”
“How are you? Last night, was it…”
“Um.. yes, it was amazing.”
“Thank you, but that's not what I meant. Are you feeling better?”
Rudeus blushed, and I turned red to match. Just like Elinalise had said, his head was clear now, and while he sat watching me sleep, he had pieced together what had happened last night. And what direction his depression was heading.
I could see in his changing expressions, aroused and smiling when he saw my thigh peeking out from one side of the blanket. And then the sorrowful scowl when he thought of the ramifications of his smile.
But now, even though the boy was always oblivious to the feelings of women, he realised that my banter and friendly smiles from the past few weeks were more than just me being polite.
“Oh, yes, thank you.”
I really am shameless. ”Then, as compensation, you could keep me warm.” I opened my arms, inviting him to hold me.
“Of course,” he blushed again as he wrapped his arms around me. With a deep, loud exhale, I leaned into his hug. Resting a hand and my head against his chest. To keep him with me just a little longer, I fed his ego like I’d seen Elinalise do a hundred times. “Your arms are so strong. Not like any of the magicians I’ve met.”
“Well, I couldn’t disappoint Paul; he still wants a rematch.”
The moment he said his father's name, I felt his grip around my torso slip. With the hand I rested on his pec, I dug my nails into the muscle, slowly increasing the pressure until he let out a yelp.
“Enough of that. Your father was a hero, and he saved your mother. Don’t sully his sacrifice with tears.”
I was so greedy, inside this room, I still had the lie: I’m here to save you.
He wasn't in danger anymore. He would come eat with me if I took him to breakfast. But beyond that door was the truth, beyond was his home, his wife, and I knew very soon, his child.
“Sensei, I think we— “ I pressed my lips to his and, with a gentle pressure, I lowered him to the bed.
“I’ll always remember how hard you were on me last night. So please leave me with a gentle memory.” I should have left the room; any excuse I could make about helping him was gone. I knew that this time I could not rationalise this, but I wanted to at least have it once where someone looked at me like I was theirs.
I kept his hips still between my knees, and my hands kept my weight on his chest. We were slow and gentle, taking our time.
It felt like heaven, but before I knew it, my tears were landing on his chest. “I just…” I stopped moving my hips. “I’m sorry…”
Without a word, Rudeus sat up, wrapping his arms around me.”Sensei!”
As if it were the most natural movement in the world, he rolled me onto my back.
…
…
…
Such a gentle memory…