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Lord Liu, Chief Official of the Ministry of Rites, was beside himself, after he’d pulled the semi-conscious Song Yan out of the General’s mansion. “What exactly what that about, Song Yan? Why were you stupid enough to call the Flower-Crowned General by her first name, what exactly did you do to her, and why were you so disrespectful to the Marquis of Wu’an…?”
“That man cannot be the Marquis of Wu’an,” said Song Yan, in faint tones. “That man is Fan Changyu’s matrilocal husband, Yan Zheng. There is only one rational explanation. He must be an imposter, a refugee who looks like the Marquis.”
Lord Liu smacked his palm to his forehead. “Argh! What are you thinking? That was the Marquis of Wu’an, without any doubt whatsoever! He’s a very distinctive man. Moreover, I have known him since he was a boy!”
“Changyu is a butcher,” said Song Yan. “She’s just a pig butcher from Lin’an. Why would a Marquis marry her? Why would he live in squalor with her in Xigu Lane, for months?”
Lord Liu pushed him into the carriage. “You’re also from Lin’an, right?”
“Mmm,” said Song Yan, slumping sadly to the carriage bench.
Lord Liu narrowed his eyes. “What was that about the General’s family paying for your tuition fees and a coffin?”
“Fan Erniu was only a pig butcher,” said Song Yan, stubbornly, ignoring the question. “I’m grateful for her family’s kindness, but Fan Changyu isn’t literate, Lord Liu! If I had to hear that speech about beans in a pot again… she practiced it night and day… I was so glad when we moved out.”
Lord Liu hit Song Yan on the shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me that the General bore you a grudge? You almost got us both killed!”
“I could not have been expected to anticipate that Fan Changyu would become a General! Yan Zheng did warn me, I realise: ‘When the northern geese fly south, the phoenixes won’t be able to find a place to land’,” said Song Yan, a tear running down his cheek, then closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the carriage wall. “My fate is unhappy.”
Nothing else the scholar said made sense. Lord Liu wondered if Song Yan was insane.
He asked Scholar Wu what was going on. Scholar Wu only knew that Song Yan’s mother had died tragically, and that he had been the pride of his village, a place called Xigu Lane, in Lin’an, Qingping County.
“You know nothing of how Scholar Song might have upset either the Flower-Crowned General or the Marquis of Wu’an?” Lord Liu probed.
“The General is a commoner and very crude,” said Scholar Wu, disapprovingly. “I shouldn’t think she’d be upset by much, nor that it matters if we upset her.”
Lord Liu slapped him. “Fool! Why am I surrounded by such snobbish fools? Do you want us to be buried in an unmarked grave?”
Scholar Wu held his cheek, his eyes wide. “What do you mean?”
Song Yan chose that inauspicious moment to enter and say, “I am sure that Yan Zheng is just Changyu’s matrilocal husband. That cannot have been the Marquis of Wu’an. He is an imposter.”
Lord Liu threw a scroll at him. “Shut up! Shut up with this utter nonsense! The Marquis of Wu’an’s given name is Xie Zheng, not… whatever you said… and you are not of a status to utter it. Do you understand what these people could do to us, for an unwary word?”
“Of course I do,” said Song Yan, rubbing his head. “I am sure that the Fans beat me up at the Lantern Festival last year.”
“You are extremely lucky that this is all they did. Think about ending up in an unmarked grave instead,” said Lord Liu, darkly. “It seems, from what I heard today, that you did not treat the General well, and you insulted the Marquis.”
“No, really, he can’t be the Marquis of Wu’an! I’ll explain why. If he were the Marquis of Wu’an, he would have behaved entirely differently, when Mother asked Fan Changyu for the betrothal agreement, that final time—”
“The heavens save me from fools!” said Lord Liu, shaking his fists.
Lord Liu left the indignant clerks and approached Gongsun Yin instead. He reasoned that the gentle scholar was the person least likely to stab him for asking questions, but also the person most likely to know what was really going on, given his close friendship and his advisory relationship with the Marquis of Wu’an.
He sidled up to Gongsun Yin, who was puzzling over a qi game. “Advisor Gongsun, I found myself in an awkward social and political situation. I wonder if I could humbly seek enlightenment from you. You see, I was asked to provide someone to teach the Flower-Crowned General court etiquette…”
Gongsun Yin looked up from the qi board and his brow crinkled with worry. “Oh dear! The Flower-Crowned General is a truly wonderful women, but… well, she’s extremely honest. If she doesn’t think someone is worthy, she will tell him. Dare I ask what she said to you?”
“It’s not so much what she said to me, as what she said to the subordinate I provided…” began Lord Liu.
Gongsun Yin shook his head. “Oh heavens! If the General was very direct to this man… well, he just has to accept it. Fan Changyu is no ordinary woman. She does not beat around the bush.”
“No, you mistake me quite!” said Lord Liu. “Song Yan offended the General.”
“Oh no! Not Scholar Song Yan?” Gongsun Yin bit his fist in an anxious way, his eyes huge and shocked. “You seriously asked him to teach etiquette to the General? You didn’t realise the history between them?”
“I am totally and utterly ignorant as to this matter,” said Lord Liu, grimly. “Please enlighten me.”
“Fan Changyu and Song Yan were betrothed by their respective parents when they were children, and they grew up across the road from each other, in Xigu Lane.” Gongsun Yin frowned. “The Fan family paid for Song Yan’s tuition and all of the family necessaries, to support their daughter’s future husband.”
“The coffin and the tuition fees,” mused Lord Liu, with a sinking feeling. “The General mentioned these items.”
“Mmm,” said Gongsun Yin. “However, after the Fan girls’ parents were killed by bandits, Scholar Song’s mother broke off the engagement, and claimed that the astrological charts showed that Fan Changyu was a jinx. At first, the family refused to pay back their debts, and so Fan Changyu refused to give them back the betrothal agreement!”
“Oh crap,” said Lord Liu, forgetting all decorum. “The General behaved with remarkable restraint! I’m lucky she did not beat me.”
“No, no, Fan Changyu is a very fair woman,” said Gongsun Yin, encouragingly. “In fact, if you explain to her that you had no idea of Song Yan’s history, I’m sure she’ll have a good laugh at the tricks fate plays!”
Lord Liu could see the immediate flaw with this. “What about the Marquis? How does he come into this? Will he blame me?”
Gongsun Yin frowned. “Ah. Well. If the General tells the Marquis not to kill you, I’m sure it will be fine. After all, she’s the head of the household—”
Lord Liu suddenly felt faint. He took off his hat and fanned himself with it. “The Marquis is not really the General’s matrilocal husband, is he?”
Gongsun Yin shrugged. “Yes, so after he was wounded, Jiuheng was rescued by Fan Changyu—he said he married her to stop her uncle taking her house, and I’m sure that was part of it—but the truth of the matter is that he adores that woman, and would do anything for her, after what she did for him.”
“There will be an awful lot of very disappointed noblewomen in the capital, if this is the case,” said Lord Liu, with slight disbelief. Marquis Wu’an had been one of the most confirmed of confirmed bachelors.
“Oh, absolutely! But none of those women could have single-handedly carried an unconscious Jiuheng through a snowstorm and nursed him back to health,” said Gongsun Yin, smiling happily. “Is this not sweet? That’s how they met.”
“The General is not a big woman, and the Marquis is very tall,” offered Lord Liu, after picturing the scene.
“That’s what makes it so extraordinary!” Gongsun Yin was now beaming. “The General is very strong for her size.”
“So, Song Yan is a cad.” Lord Liu felt his heart sink to the bottom of his boots. “No wonder Jin Yuanbao threw him down the stairs.”
“Oh, heavens, don’t leave Jin and the Pig Butchering Squad alone with Song Yan! They probably won’t kill him, but they’ll disable him for life! They know the history well—small village, you understand—and they used to be standover men and gangsters, until Fan Changyu gave them jobs, honour and purpose.” Gongsun Yin made a face. “While Fan Changyu and Xie Jiuheng rightly regard Song Yan as beneath their attention, I don’t think the Pig Butchering Squad feel the same way. You should warn Song Yan to keep clear of them and to stop claiming that what he did to Fan Changyu was justifiable. That’s the aspect which really annoys everyone… even I feel like punching him about it.”
Lord Liu girded his loins and went back to the General’s Mansion. “May I please have the honour of speaking to the Flower-Crowned General again?”
That psycho, Jin Yuanbao, came out and looked around, the other three standing behind him. Lord Liu remembered Gongsun Yin’s observation that this man had been a standover man; he still had a bully-boy air. “Did you bring the loser this time?”
“No, I did not bring Song Yan, Guard Jin,” said Lord Liu. “I have come to apologise to the Flower-Crowned General for his presence.”
Guard Jin grunted. “Hmph.” The other three guards nodded, their arms folded.
“I understand that Song Yan behaved badly to the General,” said Lord Liu. “I would not have brought him to this place had I been aware of this. Please, let me explain to her.”
“Very well then,” said the guards, exchanging glances and smirking.
They led him back to the Flower-Crowned General’s audience room. Fan Changyu was inspecting a short sword carefully, wiping it with a handkerchief. Another matching sword lay beside her. She sheathed it as Lord Liu approached.
Lord Liu was taking no chances, particularly given that she had a sword close at hand. He threw himself on the floor. “Most esteemed and honourable Flower-Crowned General, I am sorry for bringing an unworthy instructor to you. Please do not hold it against me.”
“Oh, do get up! I imagine that Song Yan didn’t advertise the fact that he was once betrothed to a pig-butcher’s daughter!” Suddenly, a smile broke over Fan Changyu’s face, and Lord Liu saw how beautiful and charming she could be. “That entire interaction was wonderful, Lord Liu! The best revenge I shall ever have! I have to thank you instead. The boys told me that Song Yan fainted—I regret I didn’t see that part…”
As Lord Liu half-rose, he heard footsteps behind him. He turned to see the Marquis of Wu’an striding in, accompanied by one of his bodyguards.
“Lord Liu?” The Marquis looked down at him and raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing here again? If you tell the authorities that I am here without an Imperial order, you will make your fortune, you know!”
“I told you he didn’t get it, my Lord,” murmured the bodyguard.
“Um, my Lord, I am apologising to the Flower-Crowned General,” said Lord Liu, sinking back down and bowing. “The person whom I brought to instruct her in etiquette was unworthy. I apologise to you for that man’s behaviour and rudeness.”
“The man is an accomplished liar and an unpleasant snake,” said the Marquis of Wu’an, coolly. “What is worse, he believes his own nonsense. However, we cannot and do not blame you, Lord Liu. I presume you just picked him out at random from the ninth rank clerks?”
“Quite so,” said Lord Liu, with relief. “Scholar Song had been complaining for some time about the lowliness of his role, so I thought to give him an opportunity...”
“Song Yan never changes, and never learns,” sighed the General. “He never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity.”
The Marquis of Wu’an barked out a laugh and went up to the Flower-Crowned General, took her hand and kissed it. “Very good, darling wife.” Then he turned back to Lord Liu. “Changyu doesn’t need to be taught etiquette. She is perfect the way she is!”
The Flower-Crowned General beamed. “Surely you want me to learn a little more tact, Yan Zheng?”
“No,” said the Marquis, smiling like a wolf at her. “I think it’s good for the royal court and the officials to hear the truth, unvarnished by nonsense. It’s what I really love about you—what you see is what you get—a jade set in gold.” Then he flapped his hand at Lord Liu. “Off you go, Lord Liu. Please tell on me. Tell everyone how scandalous I am and that I disobey Imperial orders because I simply must see my beloved wife! Make sure you get a fortune!”
“Er, yes, my Lord,” said Lord Liu. “Uh. Before I go, do you want me to do anything specific about Song Yan?”
“I honestly don’t care one fig what happens to him.” The Marquis turned to the General. “Darling wife, do you care?”
“No, no,” said the General. Her eyes really sparkled in a lovely way. “I’m perfectly content with my revenge, finally.”
Lord Liu cleared his throat. “I am grateful for your understanding. It… it really is fine for me to report you, my Lord?”
The Marquis nodded, and a slow smile spread across his face. “I’m depending on you, Lord Liu. Farewell.”
When Lord Liu looked back, the Flower-Crowned General was now standing, with her arms around the Marquis, and they were both laughing and looking at each other with adoration. Until that moment, he had not quite believed their marriage was real. In fact, he had not realised that Xie Zheng was capable of smiling at anyone like that. The Marquis had been a very sober child after the gruesome death of his father and his mother’s suicide. As a man, he’d only become grimmer and scarier, particularly after the sack of Jinzhou. There were indeed going to be many disappointed women in the capital.
Jin Yuanbao followed Lord Liu’s gaze. “No one else can get a look-in with our sister, except that matrilocal husband.” Lord Liu thought he detected a faint tinge of regret.
“Not even that pretty boy, Li Wenkan, or whoever he was,” said the fatter guard, smirking.
One of the other men spat. “At least the matrilocal husband knows who’s boss.”
Lord Liu knew he was on a hiding to nothing, but what was the point of being with the Ministry of Rites, if one did not uphold etiquette? He said, hesitantly, “Gentlemen, you should really call the Marquis of Wu’an by his title, because he outranks you.”
“We don’t give a crap about the matrilocal husband’s title, and he knows it,” said Jin Yuanbao. “Our sister is the most important person in the world to us. She gave us honour and looked after our families. As long as our sister’s matrilocal husband treats her well and makes her happy, we’ll tolerate him. If he doesn’t, we’ll whip his arse.”
“Right, farewell then,” said Lord Liu, bowing hastily to them.
“D-d-don’t let the gate hit you on the way out!” called one of the younger men, and then all the guards hooted.
Lord Liu went out as quickly as he could without running, then looked back at the mansion and propped. He had just remembered who had the courtesy name “Wenkan”. Li Huaian had also been courting the Flower-Crowned General? Was it because he had admired her, or was it a move in the broader Wei-Li rivalry? She certainly was a beautiful and charming woman, so even if it had been for political reasons, Lord Liu could see why Li Huaian might not have minded courting her.
In any case, his first priority to report the Marquis. He went to the Minister of Rites. “Minister, I am incompetent. It does not seem that I will be able to find someone to teach etiquette to the Flower-Crowned General.”
The Minister of Rites frowned. “The General did not harm the man you sent, did she? I’ve heard even Li Huaian could not teach her, and she drove all other teachers away screaming…”
“No, no, not exactly,” said Lord Liu. “However… there is something I must report to you and his Majesty. It concerns the Marquis of Wu’an and his new wife.”
“What wife?” said the Minister of Rites. “I’ve heard crazy rumours that he is in love with the Flower-Crowned General… and even sneaking into the city to see her. Someone said they saw the two of them kissing in an alley—?”
“It is complicated,” said Lord Liu. “I will explain before his Majesty—the true tale is extraordinary.”
“Humph, this is going to send everyone into hysterics.” The Minister of Rites smiled faintly. “Prime Minister Wei will be severely annoyed, I predict.”
So, Lord Liu and the Minister went to Taiji Hall, and endured the basilisk stares of Prime Minister Wei and Grand Tutor Li.
The Minister said, “Lord Liu tells me that he has something to report, your Majesty.”
“Speak,” said his Majesty.
Lord Liu came out and bowed. “Your Majesty, I report that the Marquis of Wu’an has returned to the capital, against your orders.”
His Majesty looked querulous. “That Xie Zheng! Not only must he steal my girl, but he disobeys my orders!”
Lord Liu looked up. “Your girl, your Majesty?”
“Fan Changyu,” said his Majesty, impatiently. “She told me just the other day that she’s married to Xie Zheng!”
The whole court stiffened and everyone turned to look at each other with disbelief.
Unusually, Prime Minister Wei lost his cool and was shaking with rage. “Impossible! Impossible! How could Zheng’er do this? How could he?”
Grand Tutor Li shot a glance at Prime Minister Wei. “Yet, from what my eldest grandson tells me, it is so. What is more, the good Marquis became this woman’s matrilocal husband, while he was living with her in Lin’an.”
His Majesty, startlingly, began to laugh. “Xie Zheng really became Fan Changyu’s matrilocal husband? She wasn’t making that up?”
“It does not seem that she was,” said Lord Liu. “I met the Marquis at the General’s Mansion, unexpectedly, as I was leaving yesterday. Apparently, the Marquis married the General, in part to thank her for saving his life, and in part because, ah, he very much admires her.”
“This is not a valid marriage without my consent,” said Prime Minister Wei, darkly. “He did not get married under his real name, anyway!”
“He used the name Yan Zheng?” said Lord Liu.
Prime Minister Wei shot him a glance. “Yes.”
Lord Liu reflected that “Yan Zheng” must have done a remarkable job blending in with the locals, if Song Yan had been unable to detect any oddity in his behaviour.
“So, what do I do about this?” his Majesty asked.
“You must recall Xie Zheng formally to the capital,” said Prime Minister Wei.
“Yes, yes, recall him to the capital,” purred Grand Tutor Li. “Then… your Majesty can punish him.”
“Fan Changyu entertains me,” complained his Majesty. “Why must Xie Zheng get her? He doesn’t need entertainment like I do. His job is not as hard as mine.”
“Quite, your Majesty,” said Prime Minister Wei.
“This seems like a very improper marriage,” said Grand Tutor Li. “Eldest Young Master tells me that the Flower-Crowned General is not literate!”
“She’s not,” agreed his Majesty. “She could not even read my calligraphy!”
Lord Liu wondered if it was wise for Grand Tutor Li and the emperor to openly sneer at Fan Changyu in court, given that she was not only powerful in her own right, and charming, but allied with Xie Zheng. Together… together… they could be extremely dangerous to a weak government. It was lucky, from what Lord Liu could see, that neither had any particular interest in power or revenge. He did not voice these thoughts. Instead, he said, “This humble servant wishes to inquire about my reward, your Majesty?”
“Oh yes, your reward. Li Xiang, give him a reward.” His Majesty flicked his hand, and the eunuch ordered several boxes of treasure to be brought out.
“I am unworthy, but I plead for your Majesty to show me more favour,” said Lord Liu after he had looked into the boxes, and recalling the Marquis’s instructions. “My subordinate and I were threatened when we went to the General’s Mansion!”
“Threatened by whom, Lord Liu?” Grand Tutor Li looked shocked. “The General?”
Lord Liu shook his head. “The General, ironically, was the politest in her dismissal—she simply said that she did not want to learn about etiquette, she did not accept the clerk we had sent, and we should leave.”
“How shocking!” said Grand Tutor Li. “Her behaviour is scandalous.”
His Majesty giggled. “No, she’s amusing! I get sick of etiquette too! It’s so fun to see someone who’s straightforward!”
“Are you inferring that my nephew threatened you?” Prime Minister Wei raised his eyebrows, in a way that was eerily identical to the way in which the Marquis of Wu’an had raised his eyebrows at Song Yan.
“I would not dare,” said Lord Liu. “It was the Northwestern Pig Butchering Squad who openly threatened us and threw my subordinate down the stairs. Your nephew, he simply… he simply looked at us in a terrifying way and said that we absolutely must not report his presence.”
“Noted,” said his Majesty. “Li Xiang, get a further reward for Minister Liu.”
Prime Minister Wei nodded in a restrained fashion. “Well. Leave my family matters to me.”
Lord Liu took his treasure, thanked his Majesty again, got up, bowed deeply, and left Taiji Hall as quickly as he could.
The Minister for Rites followed him. “Xie Zheng planned for you to report it, right, Liu? He told you to report him?”
Lord Liu hesitated and said in a low voice, “To be honest, I am not sure what is going on. But treat this couple with care, Minister, and tread carefully in the days to come. I plan not to tie myself too closely to either the Wei faction or the Li faction, after what I have seen. The General is honest, plain and direct, and does not suffer fools or liars. She does not have a political bone in her body. Xie Zheng, as we know, is a different kettle of fish, but it also seems he will defy his uncle and his Majesty for this woman. I do not believe the Marquis has patience for court politics, or for any slights to or plots against his wife, and we all know how ruthless he can be. I saw my death in his eyes! Well… at least the death of my subordinate—what an absolute idiot—that clerk deserved to be thrown down the stairs—I almost felt like killing him myself—but that’s another story—”
“Young Xie’s slipped his uncle’s leash, at last! It is indeed a curse to live in interesting times,” said the Minister for Rites. “Thanks for the tip. Take care, Liu.”
“You too. I plan to stay out of this to the greatest extent possible, and dismiss the stupid subordinate who caused the problems,” said Lord Liu. “Song Yan wasn’t much use anyway.”