Archive of Our Own

Geoff rolls over in bed, the sheet shifting off of him and exposing his bare back to the sunlight streaming in through the window of his bedroom. Their bedroom. His and Awsten’s. 

Their new apartment is bare-bones. They don’t even have a couch yet, but the second they found a place they could afford with Geoff’s new supervisor job and Awsten picking up more hours at the haunted house, they had to move in. Geoff’s lease at his old place was up anyway, and Awsten had practically moved himself in already. At some point, they stopped being separate people and became a unit. Geoff and Awsten. Awsten and Geoff. Never apart.

He stretches his arms out and grunts, feeling the long-healed scars on his chest tug. Then he realises his mistake as Awsten pounces on him. If he wanted to sleep in, he shouldn’t have made any indication he was awake.

“Geoff! Geoff! Geoffie!” Awsten kisses Geoff's face “Geoff, wake up.”

“Urhg.” Geoff mutters. “Whaddya want?”

“Today’s the day!” Awsten sing-songs. “I finally get to be a real boy!”

Of course. Today is Awsten’s first dose of testosterone. It has taken a lot of phone calls and doctor’s appointments and convincing Awsten not to give up, but finally, it’s here. Awsten scheduled the appointment for a time that Geoff could come with him. He won’t admit it, but Awsten is scared. HRT is a big step, one that involves needles. 

Geoff is more than happy to be there for him, of course he is. He just wishes he didn’t have to do it between two night shifts. 

“You’re already a real boy.” Geoff mumbles, turning his head so Awsten can kiss him on the lips. “You’re my boy.”

Awsten giggles. He throws himself on top of Geoff and buries his face in his shoulder. “I’m your boy~”

“Mhm.” Geoff yawns. “Do I have to get up yet? I’m tired.”

“We gotta leave in an hour.” Awsten kisses Geoff once more before he gets up. “I’ll make you breakfast while you shower.”

“Thanks, baby.”

Geoff sighs and hits his head against the pillow as Awsten leaves the room. He doesn’t want to get up. Helping Awsten is his priority, but Jesus, he’s tired. Being a supervisor gets him more money, sure, but it makes his shifts more exhausting. And he gets to see Lucas less, who was his only real friend at work. He needs to figure out how to ask him to hang out on their days off. Lucas usually initiates those things - Geoff isn’t sure how to do it without sounding weird or desperate.

He gets up and looks around the room for a shirt to throw on. When he and Awsten moved in together, he assumed that his floor being covered in shirts would stop, but it didn’t. They just have a designated area for shirts to go, in the corner by their closet. He picks one up and pulls it on, not caring who it’s supposed to belong to or how long it has been there. 

The shower is too warm - Awsten must have used it last. Geoff considers washing his hair but he can’t be bothered. People in the emergency department generally don’t care if their nurse is a little greasy, as long as you’re still saving their life. His only rule is that he doesn’t show up to work hungover - the fluorescent lights are a bitch when he has a headache.

Awsten makes pancakes and smiles while he watches Geoff eat them. Although Awsten insists he has already eaten, Geoff makes him have a few bites of his food for good measure. Then they make out for fifteen minutes until they realise they’re going to be late.

“This always happens.” Awsten says as he buckles himself into the passenger seat of Geoff’s car. “We try to go somewhere, and then you start kissing me and suddenly we’re late for everything.”

“You kissed me!” Geoff says as he turns over the ignition. He half expects his car to be dead again every time he starts it, but Awsten’s dad’s mechanic friend did a good - if expensive - job of fixing it. “You started it.”

“I don’t think it’s productive to place blame.” Awsten insists, realising he’s caught.

“Sure honey.” Geoff chuckles.

They drive to the hospital - the same one Geoff works at - for Awsten’s appointment. As they enter the hospital, Awsten starts to shake. Geoff wraps his arm around him and kisses the side of his head. He guides Awsten into the staff lounge of the emergency department and sits him down on one of the couches - despite initially being late, they still have ten minutes until the appointment and Awsten needs a place to calm down.

“You’re fine.” Geoff promises him, crouched down in front of him. “You’re gonna be fine.”

Geoff remembers his first T shot. He went to the appointment completely alone, terrified that this would be the thing that made his dad cut him off. Part of him expected to feel different afterwards, but he didn’t. He felt like… himself, which he supposes is different because before he felt like he was masquerading as the person he wanted to be. It took a couple of months before he started to actually feel the effects of the testosterone.

“It’s gonna hurt.” Awsten whimpers.

“Sure it is. But it will also be the best thing you ever do for yourself.” Geoff takes Awsten’s hands in his and squeezes. “You’re so brave and I’m very proud of you.”

“Yeah.” Awsten takes a deep breath. “I’m gonna be fine.”

“Of course you are. I got you.” Geoff leans up and kisses Awsten, just as the door to the staff room opens.

“What did I say about PDA in the goddamn staffroom?” A familiar voice asks. Geoff looks up to see De’Wayne, one of the day shift nurses, walking over to the soda machine. “If Steph catches you, she gon’ kick you out.”

“I work here, I can do what I want.” Geoff reminds him. They only really see each other at handovers because they work opposite shifts, but Geoff likes De’Wayne. He’s terrified of Steph, the day shift charge nurse though. She’s small, but she’s feisty, and could probably kick all their asses.

“Whatever, man. Your funeral.” De’Wayne shrugs. He looks over at Awsten. “You good, brother?”

“He has an appointment.” Geoff pulls Awsten up. “He’ll be alright.”

“Good luck, dude.” De’Wayne says, and they leave the staffroom. 

Awsten shakes all the way to the appointment, and shakes the whole way through it too. Geoff holds his hand while the nurse gives him his injection, and explains how to do them at home. Geoff promises to do them for him.

“You know, you can do the gel instead of injections.” Geoff says when they’re back in his car. They’re going home to grab dinner, and then Geoff has to start work.

“I wanna do it the same way you do it.” Awsten says. “That way, you can help me not fuck it up.”

“Your doctor can also do that, and is probably better equipped to do it.” Geoff reminds him. People assume that because he’s a nurse, he knows everything.

Awsten gives him puppy dog eyes. “But you’ll help me, right?”

Geoff sighs. “Yes, babe, I’ll help.”

He does want to help, of course. After being on testosterone for ten years, it’s like second nature to him. His experience as a nurse also helps, but he doesn’t like when people assume he knows everything about medicine just because he works at a hospital. There are a lot of things he learned in his nursing degree that he doesn’t remember anymore. Some of them probably aren’t even legal now.

They drive home, and Geoff puts Awsten’s testosterone away next to his own. It’s domestic, like the two toothbrushes on the sink or the two different kinds of shoes by the front door or Awsten curled up against his side on the couch. 

Geoff is nearly late for work, but he doesn’t really mind.

“And how’s your… boyfriend?” Dad says, synthesising disappointment into his voice. 

Geoff sits in his closet, feeling like a little kid. He used to hide in the closet of his childhood bedroom when his parents argued - well, dad yelled and mom tried to calm him down. These days, the closet is the only place he can call his dad without Awsten interrupting him. It’s not that he doesn’t want his boyfriend listening to his calls. It’s his dad that’s the problem.

“He started his testosterone shots last week.” Geoff says. It isn’t dad’s business but he gets some sick satisfaction from reminding him that Awsten is transgender too. 

“Oh.” Dad says. “I suppose that’s good.”

“It is good. He’s happier.” Geoff feels the tightness in his chest lift a little. The fact that his dad hasn’t hung up already might be a good sign.

“Well. That’s all you can ask for.” Dad hums. “You still think you’re a boy, then?”

“Jesus Christ, dad.”

“I’m just asking!”

“Do you expect me to change my mind? It’s been fifteen years.” 

“I… don’t know what I expect. I expect my daughter.” Dad admits. “I expect-”

Geoff hears static instead of his old name. He hangs up his phone and throws it against the door of the closet. Then, despite taking a deep breath, he bursts into tears. For a few minutes, he sobs uncontrollably, hyperventilating and kicking his feet against the floor. How much is it to ask that his father respects him enough to get his name right?

Slowly, Awsten opens the closet door. He picks Geoff’s phone up, puts it on the side table, and kneels in front of Geoff. Awsten takes his hands in his and kisses Geoff’s knuckles. They sit in silence for a while, until Geoff calms down enough to speak.

“I don’t know why I keep calling him.” Geoff whimpers.

“He’s your dad.” Awsten says gently. “I get that you don’t wanna give up on him.”

“I don’t think it’s productive for me to talk to him. I shouldn’t be talking to people who make me cry.” Geoff wipes his eyes. “If it was your dad, I’d tell you to cut him off.”

“Giving advice is easy. Taking it is hard.” Awsten shrugs. “Cutting someone off is, like, a process. Sometimes you can’t do it all at once.”

“I know.” Geoff leans his forehead against Awsten’s shoulder. “I don’t want to cut my dad off, but I think I need to.”

“Some people can’t be convinced.” Awsten kisses him on the side of the head. “We’ll work on it, yeah?”

Geoff hums and tilts his head up to look at Awsten. “I love you.”

“I love you too, babe.” Awsten kisses his nose and jumps up. He holds out his hand to Geoff so he can get up. “Come on, I need to feed you before you go to work.” 

Awsten leads Geoff out into the kitchen and keeps hold of his hand while he rummages through the fridge, talking at Geoff about what he plans to make him. They have this agreement that neither of them has to speak if they don’t want to. There’s no need to fill the air with words if they feel like they can’t. Awsten talks enough for the both of them anyway, rambling on about pasta while Geoff stands by and smiles fondly at him. 

He’s so in love with Awsten. Sometimes he wants to kiss him until he can’t breathe. Other times he wants to wrap Awsten in a blanket and protect him from the world. 

The absolute worst thing about being a supervisor is having to actually pay attention during the handovers at the start and end of his shift. Before, he would half-listen and then figure out the rest from the charts. Now he has to be the one to figure out what the day shift has been doing, or explain what the night shift has endured.

“Geoff.” Steph, the day shift leader says as he’s getting up to leave. He freezes in his tracks - everyone is a little bit scared of Steph. She’s badass. “Chill out. Why do you guys all react like that when I talk to you?”

“He’s scared of women.” Lucas quips before running off towards the locker room, because he’s actually scared of Steph too.

“I’m not.” Geoff insists. “I used to be a woman.”

“Really?” Steph asks.

Geoff suddenly remembers that that’s not necessarily something Steph would’ve - or should’ve - known. “Anyway. What did you want to ask me?”

“Uh,” She seems to file the information away for later. “I was gonna tell you that one of my staff is moving to the night shift.”

“Is it Zeph?” Geoff asks hopefully. He likes Zeph, she’s funny, and a good nurse.

“No, she’s mine. You can’t have her.” Steph laughs. “It’s De’Wayne. Apparently he needs more money.” 

“Amen to that.” Geoff mutters. “Alright, do you need me to keep an eye on him, or…”

“No, he’s sensible. I just wanted to let you know.” Steph shrugs, and walks off into the ward.

Geoff thunks his head against the door of his locker when he gets into the locker room. Lucas stares at him until he explains that he accidentally told Steph that he’s transgender. To his credit, Lucas tries to calm Geoff down by telling him that Steph won’t be weird about it. That’s not really the point, though.

While Geoff isn’t ashamed about being transgender, he prefers if people don’t know. He likes being just another dude. If he’s trans, that becomes part of his personality to some people. Suddenly, they all know a trans person who he has to meet. Geoff doesn’t like being friends with people just because they have the same gender identity. It reminds him of being a kid and having to be friends with girls in his class just because they were girls in his class.

He doesn’t expect that Steph will tell anyone - she isn’t the gossiping type. It’s easy to forget that he isn’t visibly trans anymore, that it’s a surprise when people find out. Once someone asked him which way he was transitioning. He wasn’t sure whether to be offended by that or not.

“Otto has a show next week.” Awsten says, leaning back against Geoff’s chest. “I said we could go, because you’re not working, but if you don’t go Otto won’t be, like, offended.”

“Mhm.” Geoff hums. 

“I tried to convince Travis to come, but he says he has midterms. You know, I think he makes these things up so he doesn’t have to hang out with me sometimes. Like, are midterms even a real thing?” Awsten traces the veins in Geoff’s arm with his finger. “I don’t remember doing midterms when I went to community college that one semester, but maybe that’s why my grades were so bad.”

“Baby.” Geoff mumbles against Awsten’s neck.

“College is weird. I don’t ever want to go back again but if I did, I’d, like, do something cool. Like fashion design maybe. I’d be good at that. Wouldn’t that be cool? If I made clothes?”

“Awsten.” Geoff sighs.

“What?” Awsten asks, looking up at Geoff.

“Can we have this conversation when I’m not actively trying to get inside you?” 

“Is that what you’re doing?” Awsten yells. “I thought you were kissing my neck so you didn’t have to talk!”

“Are you fucking stupid?” Geoff asks. 

“Yes?” Awsten makes puppy dog eyes at him. “Do you still want to fuck me?”

“Obviously.” Geoff kisses his neck again. “Come here.”

Geoff lays Awsten down on their bed and climbs on top of him. They kiss, Awsten’s eager tongue sliding into Geoff’s mouth. Awsten paws at Geoff’s chest until he pulls his shirt off, and Awsten can dig his nails into Geoff’s shoulders. Geoff moans and presses Awsten into the bed, pinning him down. 

Trailing kisses down Awsten’s neck, Geoff tugs at his belt. Awsten whines and kicks off his jeans, bucking his hips as Geoff gets a hand over his boxers.

“Jesus, you’re soaked already.” Geoff mutters. “Such a dumb puppy, huh?”

Awsten whimpers and buries his face in Geoff’s neck. His teeth find Geoff’s collarbone and he nips at it, licking the mark it leaves when Geoff groans. Geoff slips his hand into Awsten’s boxers and slides a finger into him, his palm pressed against his dick.

“Ah, fuck.” Awsten hisses, curling in on himself. 

“You okay?” Geoff asks, starting to pull his hand away.

Awsten grabs his wrist and presses it back against him. “Yes, yeah, I’m just- so much more sensitive now.”

Geoff chuckles. “Testosterone does that. It’ll calm down once your body gets used to it.”

“I don’t want it to. Feels so good.” Awsten grinds up into Geoff’s palm. “Keep going.”

“You got it, pup.” Geoff mumbles, sliding a second finger into him. 

He pins Awsten down with an arm across his shoulders and pumps his fingers in and out in time with Awsten’s rapid breathing. Awsten claws at Geoff’s arms, begging over and over for more. Once Awsten is open enough and squirming so hard that he won’t stay down, Geoff sits up and reaches into the drawer of his nightstand. He rummages around in it, then huffs.

“Where the fuck did we put my harness?”

“How should I know?” Awsten whines. “You’re the one who always tidies up.”

“God fucking damn it.” Geoff mumbles, opening the other drawer. “This place is such a mess.”

“Babe, I love you, but if you don’t get something inside me in the next minute, I will strangle you.” Awsten says. “I don’t care what it is or how you do it.”

Geoff chuckles and grabs the first dildo he sees. It isn’t the biggest one they have, but Geoff didn’t plan on splitting Awsten in half tonight anyway. He presses it against Awsten’s lips, letting him drool all over it to get it wet. Then Geoff brings it to Awsten’s entrance, catching the tip against it teasingly. 

“You ready, baby?”

“I was ready five minutes ago.” Awsten grabs Geoff’s wrist. “Please.”

Geoff pushes the dildo into Awsten’s hole, relishing in the way Awsten groans at the stretch. He waits for Awsten to adjust, kisses his stomach just to watch him squirm. Awsten looks down at him with lidded eyes, grinning stupidly at him. Slowly, Geoff pulls the dildo out and pushes it back in again. 

With a high-pitched moan, Awsten wraps his legs around Geoff’s back, keeping him close. Geoff keeps his pace with the dildo and takes Awsten’s dick into his mouth. He tunes out everything else, every problem in his life, and focuses on getting Awsten off. His thoughts shut off, replaced by Awsten moaning and writhing beneath him, the reciprocation of every movement of their bodies. 

Awsten’s fingers find his hair, tugging Geoff further into him. Geoff moans against Awsten’s dick, sliding his tongue over it, sucking it into his mouth. The hand holding the dildo is soaked with Awsten’s slick.

“Please.” Awsten whimpers. “I'm close, please…”

Geoff hums, loving how Awsten twitches at the vibration. He keeps up his pace until Awsten shrieks and tugs Geoff’s head back. Carefully, Geoff pulls the dildo out and tosses it aside, crawling up Awsten’s body and pressing their lips together. Awsten breathes heavily into the kiss, clinging to Geoff and shivering as he comes down.

“Let me help you.” Awsten mumbles, reaching for Geoff’s boxers.

“Are you sure? You look half asleep.” Geoff teases.

“Hm.” Awsten kisses him, licking the spit and slick from his face. “I still wanna help.”

“Maybe later, hm?” Geoff pets Awsten’s hair. “You did so good for me puppy.” 

Awsten giggles. “No reason to be bad when I’m with you.”

“That’s right.”

Geoff is slowly picking up the words to some of Otto’s band’s songs, so he can sing along a little at their shows. Awsten sings louder no matter what, so no one can hear him, but that’s the idea. It’s taken a long time for Geoff to get used to taking up space in public. He doesn’t like people looking at him and he spent years being as unobtrusive as possible. Dressing plainly, not speaking unless spoken to, never going out unless he was specifically invited. 

But Awsten doesn’t do that. His hair is bleached in patches, he wears whatever the hell he wants with colourful bracelets up and down his arms, he sings, he shouts, he climbs all over his friends. It’s starting to rub off on Geoff, the joy of being unapologetically himself. It helps that Otto and Travis are so used to Awsten’s bullshit that anything Geoff says is mild in comparison.

“I think they’re getting better.” Travis says as Otto’s band finishes their set. “Like, the bass didn’t give me a headache this time.”

“They’re great!” Awsten insists, nudging Geoff in the side. “Right babe?”

“Of course they are.” Geoff agrees, because he isn’t stupid enough not to. 

Otto comes over to them as the next band is starting their set. Awsten pounces on him, rambling on about how good the show was. They wrestle a little while Otto tries to hold a conversation with Geoff.

“Can you do me a favour?” Otto asks, ducking out of the way of Awsten when he tries to put him in a headlock. “We’re- ow, Awsten, stop that- we’re doing a charity show next month. Could you put some posters up at your work or your apartment building or something?”

“Sure I can.” Geoff says. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to put any up on the ward, but he can put one in the staff room. “What’s the charity?”

“There’s an LGBT centre near here. We’re gonna- Awsten, get off- gonna give the money to them.” Otto explains as Awsten tries to climb on his back. “I don’t know how much we’ll make but it’s better than nothing.”

“That’s great!” Geoff says, feeling a warmth in his chest that that’s the charity Otto chose. Otto is as straight as it gets so he didn’t pick this for himself - he probably did it for Awsten.

“Can you do me another favour?” Otto asks, trying to push Awsten away from him as Awsten tries to lick his face. “Get this fucking animal off of me.”

Geoff grabs Awsten around his waist and hauls him over his shoulder. Awsten shrieks and kicks his legs, making a scene. Anyone who comes to these shows regularly knows that Awsten belongs to Geoff, so no one says anything.

“Better?” Geoff asks as Awsten goes limp, already bored of trying to get away.

“Yeah, thanks.”

He takes a couple of posters and puts one up in the lobby of his apartment building. The next time he’s at work, he asks Dallon if he can put one up in the break room. Dallon says he sincerely doesn’t give a shit what Geoff does, so he leaves one on the wall by the door, hoping people will see it as they leave.

There’s three bands playing at that show - Otto’s, another local band that Geoff has seen them open for once or twice, and the headliner is called Greywind. Geoff is sure he has heard of them somewhere before, but he can’t think where. He goes to look them up, but then Lucas yells at him to come help with an arterial bleed and he forgets about it. 

Awsten is still insisting he can use needles for his testosterone, while refusing to even look at the needles. Of course, Geoff is happy to help him, but it would be a lot easier if Awsten would just go on androgel. Maybe having Geoff stick him with needles every week is a kink thing for him. They should talk about that.

“How the fuck do you do this to yourself every week for ten years?” Awsten asks, eyes squeezed shut and the teddy bear Geoff bought him clutched in his arms.

“I’m a nurse. I’m not scared of needles.” Geoff says as he wipes Awsten’s thigh with an alcohol wipe. “You’ll get used to it.”

“Stuffles thinks you’re full of shit.” Awsten mumbles, hugging his teddy bear, Stuffles, tighter.

“Stuffles has fluff where his brain should be.” Geoff says. He draws the testosterone into the needle, double checking the dose. There’s a significant difference between his and Awsten’s, he has to be careful not to get them mixed up. “I guess that’s why you two are friends. You have that in common.”

“Stuffles resents that.” Awsten mutters.

Geoff decides to keep talking while he does the injection, to stop Awsten from shaking so much. “Does Stuffles like the haunted house?”

Awsten has been taking the bear pretty much everywhere with him, including work. “He’s our new mascot. Josh is making him a Halloween costume.” 

“It’s March.” Geoff laughs as he slowly slides the needle into Awsten’s thigh. “I bet the haunted house is a lot of fun around Halloween.”

“Hell yeah, dude.” Awsten says, distracted enough. “We get way busy, but it means we can- hold on, are you using your nurse voice on me?”

“What do you mean?” Geoff asks as he pulls the needle out. “All done.”

Awsten’s eyes fly open as Geoff disposes of the needle. “You were! You’re treating me like a patient!”

“Did it help?” Geoff asks as he tidies up. 

“Yeah. Thank you.” Awsten sighs and brushes his foot against Geoff’s calf. “I’m sorry that I’m being difficult about this.”

“You’re not being difficult. You’re being brave.” Geoff kisses him on the side of the head. “This is all really scary, but you don’t have to do it alone.”

“Like you did?” Awsten asks. Geoff tilts his head in confusion. “I mean, like, you had to do all this by yourself, right? That must have been awful.”

“Yeah, it was.” Geoff shrugs. He chooses not to think about it too much. “But I figured it out. I just don’t want you to go through the same things, you know?”

“You’re sweet.” Awsten wraps his arms around Geoff’s neck. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Geoff is sure that Awsten would be fine without him. He’s lucky, he has a support system. His parents are nice, his sister is awesome, his friends are finally getting the hang of gendering him correctly. Geoff didn’t have any of that, just his own will to keep living. 

Sometimes he didn’t even have that, but he kept going because he knew there were people who didn’t want him to, and what was he supposed to do, let them win?

Conceptually, Geoff understands that he signed a contract and has to be at the hospital for a certain number of hours per week. However, being at work is eating into the time he’d rather spend being gay with his boyfriend, so he’s annoyed that he’s back in this godforsaken place again. At least tonight he’s working with Lucas, De’Wayne and Dallon. He’s gotten pretty fond of De’Wayne - he’s funny, he’s good with patients, he has good taste in music, all things Geoff considers important qualities in a friend.

Not that they're friends. They're just… coworkers who get along.  

When Geoff walks into the locker room, he doesn’t expect to find anyone else in there, because he’s early. He also doesn’t realise anyone has followed him in, until he turns around and Steph is standing behind him.

“Fucking hell!” Geoff yells, hand over his rapidly beating heart. “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

“Sorry, I need your help.” Steph says, twisting one of her rings around her index finger. 

“I’m not on shift yet. Can it wait? Or can you ask any of the dozen other nurses that work here?” Geoff shoves his bag into his locker. He doesn’t mean to be snappy with her, but he’s tired and he misses Awsten already.

“I think I need you for this. It’s sensitive.” Steph glances around the locker room, checking that no one else is in there. “I’ve got a kid sitting in the waiting room alone. Possible broken ribs, split lip, covered in bruises like someone beat them up. They won’t tell me what happened, but I think they’re transgender. I don’t know if that’s got something to do with it but I think they would feel more comfortable talking to another transgender person, and you’re the only one I know that works here.”

“Show me.” Geoff grabs his work lanyard and follows Steph to the front desk by the waiting room without a second thought. Suddenly, he doesn’t care that he isn’t being paid for another fifteen minutes. There's a kid who needs his help.

Steph hands him the chart and points out the kid, sitting nearby. They have a badly cut mullet, bracelets in the colour of various pride flags - including the trans and nonbinary ones - up their arms, and rainbow coloured vans on their feet. They’re curled in on themself, clutching their ribs and staring at the floor. Their chart says they’re fifteen, with bruising all over the right side of their body like someone kicked them repeatedly. 

Geoff boils with rage. No one likes it when a kid comes into the ED, but when one comes in alone, looking like that? It’s horrific. He has to do something.

“They flinch every time I say their name and they won’t tell me who attacked them. I don’t want to just ask if they’re transgender but I really don’t know what else to do.” Steph looks exhausted, rubbing her hands over her face. Poor woman, she’s been here for twelve hours and this is her last patient of the day. She’ll be thinking about them all night.

“Get them into a private exam room. I’ll be there in a minute.” Geoff hands the chart back to her and runs off back to the locker room.

He rummages through his bag until he finds what he was looking for. A while ago, Awsten dragged Geoff to a craft fair that was giving out free pronoun badges. Geoff took one, intending to put it on his work lanyard, and then promptly forgot about it. He pulls it out and pins it onto his lanyard, then goes in search of Steph. 

Geoff picks up a clipboard with a fresh chart and goes into the exam room. He pushes a stool over to the side of the bed and sits down. The kid stares at him warily.

“Alright, Steph had to go home so I will be looking after you now. My name’s Geoff, can you tell me yours?” Geoff asks.

The kid gives him a name, looking like they’re about to throw up as they say it.

“Not that name.” Geoff clarifies. The kid stares at him. “Not your legal name, I've already got that. The one you actually want me to call you. You know, I went by Geoff for about five years before I got around to changing it legally. I confused a lot of bouncers at clubs by looking like this with an F on my driver’s licence.”

The kid’s eyes widen. They understand him. “I call myself Kai.” 

“Awesome.” Geoff writes that onto the new chart. “And what pronouns should I use for you, Kai?”

“Um, they/them.” Kai whispers. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” Geoff writes that down too. He underlines it twice. “Okay, Kai, Steph tells me you have a lot of injuries to your sides. Can you tell me how they happened?”

Kai shakes their head. 

“I promise you, you are not in trouble.” Geoff says gently. “Was it a family member?”

Slowly, Kai nods. Tears well in their eyes.

“Hey, I get that. My partner's folks are great but my own dad sucks. He barely speaks to me anymore.”

“My dad’s dead. My step-dad… He found out I was using a different name at school and he said he wouldn’t have any of- am I allowed to swear?” Kai asks, voice shaking.

“Say whatever the fuck you want, Kai.”

“He said he wouldn’t have any of that faggot shit in his house, and then he pushed me over and started kicking me.” Kai sniffs. Geoff's heart breaks for them, but he tries not to show it on his face. “Mom didn’t do anything. She just walked off. When he finally stopped I got up and I walked all the way here.”

Geoff writes this all down and puts his hand on their shoulder. “Okay, what I can do is get a social worker down here to speak to you. Her name is Sophie, and she’ll make sure you don’t have to go back to that house, alright?” 

“Alright.” They nod. They put their hand on top of his. “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Sophie will find you an emergency foster home to go to. It’s not ideal but at least it’s not back there.” He says. “I’m gonna get one of my colleagues to come and take a proper look at your ribs while I call the social worker, okay?”

“Okay.” Kai says. “You’ll come and check on me, right?”

“Of course I will.” He squeezes their hand. “I’ll be right back.” 

Geoff gets up and leaves the exam room. He asks Dallon to call Sophie and De’Wayne to examine Kai properly, then goes to the staff room. Then he sits down on one of the couches and bursts into tears. 

Lucas finds him there ten minutes later and sits down beside him. He doesn’t speak until Geoff stops crying and looks up at him. 

“Tough case.” Lucas says. “De’Wayne thinks they only have the one fractured rib, so they’ll be alright. Sophie is petitioning for an emergency removal. Apparently the household has a history with the DCFS.” 

“Right.” Geoff wipes his eyes. “The only difference between me and them is that my dad didn’t find out I was transgender until I had moved out.”

“Steph shouldn’t have made you deal with that. Any of us could’ve handled it.” Lucas says. “Especially before your shift even started.”

“No, it had to be me. They wouldn’t have trusted anyone else.” Geoff leans his head on Lucas’ shoulder. “Sometimes you get surrounded by so much support that you forget that other people don’t have it.”

“Sucks.” Lucas agrees. 

“Can we talk about something else?” Geoff asks. He needs to calm down before he can go back to work.

“Sure, uh…” Lucas looks around the room for inspiration. His eyes land on the poster that Geoff put by the door. “Are those bands any good?”

“I’ve never seen the headliner, but the openers are alright. My boyfriend’s best friend is the drummer for one of them.”

“They any good?”

“The drumming is good.” 

Lucas laughs. “You’ll have to point him out to me.”

“You’re coming to the show?”

“Yeah man. I love gay people and bad music.” Lucas says, making Geoff laugh. “I’m serious! It sounds like a good night for a good cause. De’Wayne said he’d come too.”

“At least me and Awsten won’t be the only ones there.” Geoff says gratefully. 

The door opens, and Steph walks in. She’s out of her scrubs and in her civilian clothes. Her blonde hair is down for once and it makes her look younger. Geoff has no idea how old she is, now that he thinks about it.

“Hey, I just wanted to check you’re alright before I go.” Steph says. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Geoff rubs his face. “You get home, I can go back to work.”

“Cool.” She turns to leave, then spots the poster by the door. “Who put that up?”

“I did. It’s an event my boyfriend’s best friend is doing.” Geoff explains.

Steph nods slowly. “Is the headliner any good?”

“Greywind? I don’t know, I’ve never heard of them.”

“Hm, okay.” Steph nods, and leaves.

Kai stays in the ED all night while the social worker finds them somewhere to go. Geoff checks in on them every hour, even after they finally fall asleep. They haven’t complained once about being in pain or even uncomfortable. When he’s with other patients, Geoff is still thinking about Kai. 

At 7am, the end of Geoff’s shift, he goes to see Kai one last time. They’re getting ready to leave - apparently Sophie found them a place to stay already. Geoff gives them a gentle hug before they have to go. She promises them both that it's not a group home or a hostel.

“Look after yourself, alright?” Geoff says. “You’re not on your own.”

“Thanks.” Kai whispers, and they leave with Sophie.

Geoff drives home in silence. He doesn’t even turn his radio on. After he parks at his apartment building, he sits there with his head against the steering wheel with his eyes closed. Eventually, someone opens his car door and puts their hand on his shoulder.

“Bad shift?” Awsten asks gently. 

“It was fine.” Geoff mumbles, because really, it was. It’s just poor Kai that has made him feel like he’s rotting from the inside.

Awsten takes Geoff’s hand and helps him out of the car. They walk up to the apartment and Awsten gets Geoff into bed. Then Awsten lays down beside him, picks up his teddy bear and makes it tilt its head at Geoff.

“Stuffles wants to know what’s wrong.”

Geoff chuckles. He isn’t interested in breaking HIPAA, so he just says, “I had a difficult patient, that’s all. I’d rather talk about something else.” He kisses Awsten, then Stuffles when Awsten insists upon it. “Lucas and De’Wayne are coming to Otto’s charity show, by the way.”

“Cool.” Awsten nods slowly. “So, obviously I remember who both of those people are, but for the benefit of Stuffles, who does not…?”

“You’ve met Lucas twice.” Geoff rolls his eyes. Awsten is bad with names, and people. “I work with him. The blond guy?”

“Oh! Muscles, really hot.” Awsten nods. Sure, that guy. “Stuffles remembers now.”

“And De’Wayne you only met briefly. The guy who was in the break room when we were there before your T appointment.” 

“See, Stuffles wasn’t there for that so he doesn’t remember.” Awsten says. “But Stuffles appreciates the clarification.”

“You’re welcome.” Geoff yawns. “I need to sleep for ten years.” 

“Understood. Get some sleep baby.” Awsten whispers.

Geoff closes his eyes, and Awsten strokes his hair until he falls asleep.

“God fucking damn it!” Awsten screams from the bathroom. 

Geoff looks up from his Switch and considers whether it’s safe for him to approach his boyfriend. They don’t yell at each other and they rarely get angry, but they’re both easily frustrated. Sometimes it’s best to give the other person space.

They got a two bedroom apartment when they moved in together. Finding one they could afford was almost impossible, but they managed it. Geoff and Awsten almost always sleep in the same bed, but it’s nice to have somewhere else private to go when they need space. The spare room is half full of Geoff’s CD and video game collection, along with his guitar, and half full of stuff from Awsten’s various hobbies. 

It’s very rare these days that either of them makes use of the spare room. Awsten is clingy and Geoff spends enough time away from Awsten at work that he doesn’t want to be apart from him when he’s home. 

Awsten stumbles into the living room and stomps over to the couch. He sits down beside Geoff and huffs.

“I thought testosterone was supposed to make my periods stop.” He grumbles.

Geoff holds out his arms to him and Awsten shuffles over for a hug. “It can take a while. I think I still had periods for nearly a year.”

“I’m going to kill myself if it takes that long.” Awsten says.

“Don’t say things like that.” Geoff kisses him on the side of the head. “Does your stomach hurt?”

“Yes.” Awsten complains. “The ibuprofen isn’t working yet.”

“Do you know what helps with period cramps?” Geoff asks, kissing Awsten on the neck.

“Hm?”

“Getting off helps.” Geoff says. “If you can make yourself come, it’ll feel better.”

“How am I supposed to do that without getting covered in blood?” Awsten says. “I don’t even want to take my clothes off right now.”

“You don’t have to.” Geoff tugs Awsten into his lap, so they’re facing each other. “You can just hump my leg.”

Awsten chokes. “What?”

“Come on, pup, you’re not that stupid.” Geoff presses his thigh between Awsten’s legs. “Be a good boy now.”

With a whimper, Awsten tests it out, pressing himself against Geoff’s leg. He groans, burying his face into Geoff’s neck and rolling his hips again. Geoff grips Awsten’s waist and pushes him down onto his thigh, helping him build up a pace he knows will feel good. 

Awsten bites down on Geoff’s shoulder to muffle a moan. Geoff grunts, the pleasure of the sharp pain making him lightheaded. He tangles his fingers in Awsten’s hair and pulls his head back so they’re face to face.

“Let me hear you, sweetheart.” Geoff whispers. 

Awsten moans, long and loud. He humps against Geoff’s leg faster, letting out little yips and whimpers. Geoff reaches into his own pants and strokes his dick, focusing on Awsten’s face - wide open mouth, drooling all over himself, eyes squeezed shut and eyebrows drawn together. He looks so beautiful. They press their foreheads together as Awsten’s hips start to stutter.

“Close.” He breathes.

“Me too.” Geoff bites Awsten’s ear lobe. “Come for me puppy.”

Awsten rides Geoff’s thigh through it, digging his nails into his arms. Geoff groans and squeezes Awsten’s hips so hard that he knows it’ll leave bruises. They collapse onto the couch together, breathing hard.

“Better?” Geoff asks, rubbing Awsten’s back with his clean hand.

“Mmm.” Awsten mumbles. “Much better.”

Awsten hangs out with Otto and Travis pretty often. He always invites Geoff to come with him, but he’s usually working or asleep so he can go to work later. This week, though, Geoff has the whole thing off. Instead of going on a trip or something, he and Awsten decided to spend the money on decorating their apartment and hanging out with their friends locally.

They’re at an all-you-can-eat restaurant that Awsten picked. Since he started his testosterone, his appetite has increased significantly. Geoff can’t count the number of times he has gone to eat a snack he saved for himself, and found it gone. It’s good to see Awsten eating, but Geoff is sick of hiding his snacks on top of the fridge where Awsten can’t get to them.

“I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever seen you eat this much.” Otto says as he watches Awsten plow through his fifth plate of food. “Are you possessed?”

“Or on drugs.” Travis suggests, picking at his desert plate.

“The only drug I’m on is a magical thing called testosterone.” Awsten points his fork at Otto. “You’re lucky. Your body makes it for you.”

“I think maybe you should be on adderall too.” Travis suggests.

“Whatever.” Awsten waves him off. “I’m hungry literally all the time now. It’s life changing.”

Geoff remembers when he first started testosterone. He was two things - hungry and horny. He also stared at himself in the mirror each morning, trying to figure out if his face had changed, if he had started to grow facial hair, if the light had gone back into his eyes. Eventually, it did. Eventually, he started recognising the man staring back at him. 

“You must be broke, feeding him all the time.” Otto says to Geoff.

“I don’t care, as long as he’s happy.” Geoff says. Travis pretends to gag, making Otto chuckle. 

They finish their food and leave the restaurant. Travis and Otto go their own ways, while Awsten hangs off of Geoff’s arm on the way back to their car. 

“We should hang out with your friends more.” Awsten says. “We only ever hang out with mine.”

“I don’t have any friends.” Geoff reminds him. 

“Lucas is your friend.”

“Lucas is a guy from work.”

“A guy that you like and see outside of work and talk about all the time.” Awsten steps in front of Geoff so he stops walking. “Do you know what a friend is?”

“Yes!” Geoff grabs Awsten into a bear hug. Awsten shrieks and tries to fight him off feebly. They both start giggling. “I like hanging out with your friends.”

“They’re your friends too.” Awsten insists. “They like you.”

“Sure.” Geoff kisses him so he’ll stop talking.

Geoff does have trouble quantifying what a friend is. Unless someone specifically tells him they’re friends, he assumes they aren’t. Any friend criteria he tries to think of doesn’t work - it can’t just be a person he likes, because he likes most people so it doesn’t narrow it down. It can’t be people that like him, because he can’t tell when people like him. He always assumes they’re being polite.

He didn’t have very many friends when he was a girl, but there was this beautiful moment when he first came out as trans, where he found a tonne of queer friends. Then he declined an invite to an event because he was busy, then again because he was tired, and suddenly he slipped through the cracks. People stopped inviting him, and he was never one for organising things so he just… stopped going out with his friends.

And then he got sad. Very, very sad in a way he couldn’t reconcile with his position in life. He stopped going out at all, didn’t try to make new friends, bouncing between sitting alone in his apartment and working himself to death.

“Hey.” Awsten waves his hand in front of Geoff’s face. “You in there?”

“Sorry. Zoned out.” Geoff smiles down at Awsten. His Awsten, his best friend, his boyfriend, the guy who won’t let him fall through the cracks. “I love you, you know.”

“I do know.” Awsten kisses him. “I love you too.”

“Lucas.”

“Yup?”

“Are we friends?”

“God, I hope so.” Lucas says, not looking away from the chart he’s typing up. “Considering you’ve been in my house multiple times, we’ve met each other’s partners, and I’ve known you for five years.”

“Right, sure.” Geoff nods. “You’ve just never said that we’re friends.”

“Are you serious?” Lucas asks.

“Yeah?” 

“Have you ever been tested for autism?” De’Wayne asks, leaning on the desk beside Geoff.

“No.” Geoff doesn’t know what that has to do with anything.

De’Wayne pats him on the shoulder. “Look into that.”

“Regardless.” Lucas sighs. “Yes, we’re friends. Yes, I like hanging out with you outside of work. No, I’m not saying that to be nice.”

“Thanks.” Geoff breathes out. That’s reassuring. 

The ED is… he isn’t about to say the Q word. It’s stable. All of the patients are feeling alright, there’s no incoming massive trauma, the waiting times are only a couple of hours. They’re not quite at paper plane making levels of boredom, but they’re getting there.

Geoff doesn’t mind it, really. He prefers when his job is boring because he gets to talk to his co-workers. His… friends. Friend, just Lucas. Friends? Do the others like him too? None of them have ever said so.

God, maybe he should get tested for something.

“Hey, Geoff!” Dallon shouts from the doorway into the waiting room. “There’s a kid here who says they know you.”

“Is it Awsten?” Geoff asks, walking over to him. 

A million thoughts race through his head. It’s two in the morning. What could’ve happened in the past few hours? Awsten is clumsy but he isn’t reckless, and he’s usually in bed by now anyway. Since he and Geoff moved in together, Awsten has brute forced his sleep schedule so he’s awake when Geoff gets home from work. 

If it isn’t Awsten… Otto? Travis? They’re the only kids he knows. Travis isn’t really the getting-in-trouble type, but Otto? God only knows what tree he has fallen out of this time.

“Uh…” Dallon checks the chart in his hand. “Their name is Kai?”

“Shit.” Geoff wasn’t expecting that, but he speeds up and follows Dallon to one of the triage rooms.

Kai sits on the hospital bed, cradling their wrist to their chest. They have a bloody cloth pressed to it. Geoff has another flash of all the horrible things that could’ve happened to them to cause an injury like that. Fortunately, Dallon grabs him before he can say anything.

“They say they were climbing back in through their bedroom window after curfew and they cut their wrist on a jagged bit of brick. It wouldn’t stop bleeding so they came here. For the record, I believe them. They just need stitches and they asked for you.” Dallon says. He's very purposely saying they like he keeps having to remind himself to say it, but at least he is saying it. “Don’t flip out on me, dude.”

“I’m not.” Geoff takes the chart from him. He’s a little offended - he isn’t the sort of nurse that cries about everything. Just wayward trans kids that remind him of himself. “I’ve got this, thanks.”

Dallon leaves, and Geoff sits down on the bed beside Kai. Gently, Geoff removes the bloody cloth and inspects the wound. It’s not serious, but all the blood makes it look scary. A wet wipe and a few stitches, and they’ll be fine.

“I was fine with the other nurse. You didn’t have to come out here.” Kai says quietly as Geoff prepares the suture kit.

“Dallon said you asked for me.” Geoff says.

“I asked if you were here because we were talking about the last time I was here.” They shrug. “My ribs are better, by the way.”

“Good.” Geoff knows that, he read the chart. “Are you doing okay otherwise?”

“Yeah. My foster family is okay. School is okay. I wasn’t even sneaking out for cool reasons.” Kai chuckles. “I was just going for a walk because I couldn’t sleep.”

“Insomnia?”

“I guess. I just don’t sleep much, and when I do I wake up a lot.” Kai grimaces as Geoff cleans the wound. “How do you deal with seeing so much blood all the time?”

“I had a working uterus for a decade. I got used to it.” He shrugs, then focuses on getting the wound closed.

“I guess I’m lucky I don’t have to deal with that.” Kai trains their eyes on the ceiling. “I’m AMAB, or whatever.”

“I don’t really use terms like that.” Geoff mumbles, most of his brain power focused on stitching. “It doesn’t really matter what they said about me at birth. I was a girl for a while, and now I’m not. That’s all that matters.”

“That makes sense.” Kai nods. “I wish I had the confidence you do.”

“I’m twenty years older than you. You’ll figure it out.” Geoff promises. 

He doesn’t tell Kai that he doesn’t have things figured out. That life is forever difficult in some way or another and no one ever gets the hang of all of it. No amount of knowing that makes it easier, or less frustrating. There isn’t an easy path through life, especially not for people like him and Kai. But they can make it easier for each other. That’s what a community is for.

“There’s an LGBT centre not far from here.” Geoff says as he finishes up Kai’s stitches. “If you need people who understand you, you can go there. Instead of, you know, here.” 

“Sorry.” Kai mumbles as Geoff wraps their wound. 

“No, it’s alright. I did a lot of my transition alone, and it was… hard. I don’t ever want anyone to go through that like I did.” Geoff pats them on the shoulder. “If you need to talk to people, you should go there.”

“Do you go there?” Kai asks.

“No, I don’t.”

“Why not?”

Geoff is struck by that. Why doesn’t he? He has a right to go there, to see the community he keeps preaching about. But… he doesn’t feel worthy of it. Community is for people who can contribute, and he can’t guarantee his contribution. He gets sad, he gets tired, he slips between the cracks.

Jesus Christ. He wouldn’t say this about anyone else, would he? He needs to be nicer to himself.

Slowly, Geoff smiles. “I don’t know. Maybe I should go, huh?”

“Yeah. Just ‘cause you’re an adult, doesn’t mean you don’t need people.” Kai finally looks at their arm. “Thanks for helping me.”

“It’s my job.”

“I don’t just mean this.” They smile at him. “I owe you a lot.”

“You don’t owe anyone anything, except yourself.” Geoff says firmly. “Be exactly who you want to be, and everything else will figure itself out, okay?”

Kai nods, and Geoff leaves to get their discharge paperwork. He wants to say something else to the kid, some parting knowledge that will help them, but he has nothing. The truth is, he is not the person to be giving advice. He doesn’t know shit about anything. Sometimes he doesn’t even think he’s the right person to help Awsten.

Fortunately, Awsten seems to disagree with him.

Lucas walks up beside Geoff and puts his hand on his shoulder. “You alright, buddy?”

“I’m fine.” Geoff breathes out and realises there are tears in his eyes. “You know that feeling where you wish you could save every kid who comes through here?”

“Yeah.” Lucas wraps his arm around Geoff’s shoulders and presses his forehead to the side of his head. “I’m here for you if you need to talk about it.”

“Kai will be fine. They’re already doing a lot better.” 

“I don’t just mean that. You never talk about personal stuff but you carry a lot. I meant it when I said I’m your friend, alright? I want to help if I can.” Lucas pats Geoff on the back. 

“My mom’s dead. My dad functionally disowned me when I came out, and I’m an only child. I don’t really have any friends. Awsten is pretty much all I have.” Geoff sighs, letting it all flood out. “I’m not used to asking for help or talking about how I feel. I did my whole transition alone. I’ve lived half my life alone. I’m not used to people caring about me. It’s a bit overwhelming.”

“I get that.” Lucas gestures to the ED. “Everyone here cares about you. You’re like a brother to me.”

“Thanks, dude.” Geoff butts his head against Lucas’. “I appreciate you.”

“No problem, buddy.”

“Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff, Geoffie, baby doll, Geoff, Geoff, Geoff!” Awsten hits Geoff over the head with Stuffles. 

“Agh- what?” Geoff tries to bat him away, burrowing under the blanket he has been sleeping under. Can a man not nap on the couch in this house? 

“Look!” Awsten crouches down in front of Geoff so he can see his face. Other than being plastered with a grin, his face looks the same as always.

“What am I looking at, baby?” Geoff mumbles, still blinking sleep out of his eyes.

“I’ve got facial hair!”  Awsten points to his chin, where the lightest brush of stubble has appeared. “My T is working.”

“Woah.” Geoff reaches out and touches Awsten’s cheek, feeling the roughness of it under his fingers. “Hey, I’m gonna have to teach you how to shave.”

Awsten giggles. “Maybe I should let my dad teach me. You know, have a real father-son bonding experience.” 

Geoff pulls Awsten on top of him on the couch. “Totally.”

Awsten snuggles into Geoff and goes silent for a moment. Then, quietly, he says, “Who taught you how to shave?”

“No one. I figured it out myself.” Geoff chuckles. “I accidentally cut myself a lot.”

“That’s really sad.” Awsten rests his chin on Geoff’s chest. “If there was a genie here right now, and he gave me three wishes, my first one would be for a time machine. And first I would use it to go back to Warped Tour 2005, but then I’d use it to find baby trans you and give him a hug.”

“That’s very specific, but thank you.” Geoff says. “You know, I was actually at Warped Tour in 2005, so you could kill two birds with one stone.”

“What!” Awsten pushes himself up so he’s hovering over Geoff. “I was, like, two in 2005.”

“Stop that.” Geoff whines. “You make me feel ancient.” 

Awsten giggles. “It doesn’t bother me. You know it doesn’t. It doesn’t even matter.”

“I know.” Geoff agrees. “It’s not a big deal, but there’s always this voice at the back of my mind telling me I’m taking advantage of you.”

“Nah. If anything I took advantage of you when I hijacked your apartment and used your connections at the hospital to get testosterone faster.” Awsten shrugs. “I’ve secretly been the evil manipulative one the whole time.”

Geoff gasps in faux shock. “I can’t believe you’d do that to me! Are you just using me to learn how to shave?”

“That’s all you ever were to me.” Awsten says, unable to contain his smile. “Just a way to get boy skills.”

They both descend into giggles, kissing sloppily as they lie on the couch. Geoff feels the brush of Awsten’s stubble against his chin and smiles against his lips. He loves this. He loves watching Awsten become the man he wants to be. Every time Awsten discovers another aspect of testosterone that makes him happy, Geoff wants to celebrate it. He wants to buy a cake and throw a party and spin Awsten around until they’re both dizzy.

Geoff experienced it all himself, he knows all the wonders of T. But seeing someone go through it in real time, getting to figure it all out and feel joy at the experience, not terror of the unknown, not isolation. Testosterone is magical but more importantly so is Awsten. He approaches his transition with such whimsy that Geoff finds himself trying to live vicariously through him. His own transition was drenched in fear and discomfort - Awsten’s is a ray of light. 

“I’ll teach you how to shave.” Geoff whispers. “I’ll teach you everything I know about everything if you want me to.”

“Thank you, honey.” Awsten kisses him slowly and sweetly. “I don’t know shit about anything, but I can teach you too.”

Awsten doesn’t know it, but he has taught Geoff so much. Mostly how to be a person again, how to exist as himself in the real world, instead of the blank slate of a person he had disguised himself as. And how to love people, not just Awsten but everyone around him too. Awsten put him back in a head space where he can be good to himself and to other people. Geoff shows up for people more now. He makes fewer excuses. He feels better. 

“You saved my life.” Geoff mumbles against Awsten’s lips. 

“I think you saved mine, too.” Awsten whispers back.

Geoff doesn’t really like parties anymore. When he was younger, when he could get hammered and stay up all night dancing with his friends and not feel it the next day, they were fun. Now he’s thirty-five, his hips hurt if he tries to dance and he wakes up with a headache if he so much as looks at a bottle of vodka. His idea of a nice night is cuddling with Awsten, playing video games or watching a movie while they eat dinner, railing Awsten on the couch and then going to bed the second either of them feel tired. Sue him, he’s old now. 

But Lucas invited Geoff over for his birthday, and Geoff actually wants to go. Sure, he’ll probably duck out at 9pm after two drinks when the music gets too loud, but at least he’ll show his face. And Lucas said Geoff can bring Awsten, so at least he’ll have someone to talk to. 

Lucas’ house is so much nicer than anywhere Geoff has lived. He looked at getting a place in the neighbourhood when he and Awsten were planning to move, but it was way out of their budget. 

“I don’t understand how you afford this place.” Geoff says when Lucas lets him and Awsten in. 

“Drug money.” Lucas says. Geoff doesn’t know if he’s joking or not. 

Geoff doesn’t know many of the people at Lucas’ party - he knows Dallon and his wife, and De’Wayne and Sophie, but the rest are all Lucas’ friends from outside of work. Swallowing down his anxiety at being around so many people he’s unfamiliar with, Geoff sits himself on a couch with Awsten tucked next to him and a drink in his hand. They talk to Lucas for a bit as he makes his rounds with everyone who came to celebrate him, but otherwise they just talk to each other. 

No different from how they usually are, then.

“Hey, you never told me that Lucas played guitar.” Awsten points to an acoustic guitar leaning against the wall of the living room. 

“Oh, yeah.” Geoff says. “It was one of the things we had in common when I first started working at the hospital.”

The first time he met Lucas, on his first shift in the emergency department five years ago, they barely spoke. Geoff was far enough into his transition that he wasn’t getting clocked anymore, but still too nervous to take up any space in public. He put his head down and kept his mouth shut, only talking to his coworkers about work-related matters. They must have thought him some strange recluse. 

It wasn’t until they got a patient with a nasty gash on his arm, caused by a guitar string snapping and hitting them. Cleaning and stitching the wound wasn’t a two man job, but Geoff had overheard them talking about guitars, and for once felt like he had something to contribute to the conversation. All of his coworkers liked to talk about their families and what they did with their time off - vacations, days out, hobbies. Geoff didn’t have any family that liked him, he couldn’t afford to go on vacation, and his hobbies were playing video games and lying face down on his kitchen floor. 

“I’ve got a scar.” Geoff said, rolling up his sleeves to show a horizontal scar just above his elbow. “When I was about seventeen, I snapped a guitar string and it hit me in the arm. Thankfully I didn’t need stitches but it hurt like a bitch.”

“I didn’t know you played guitar.” Lucas mumbled, half focused on cleaning the wound.

“All my life.” Geoff replied, and that was it. 

He and Lucas got talking about music, then video games, and all of a sudden they were inseparable. They complain when they don’t have shifts together. They follow each other around the ward. They make everything a two-person job. They see each other outside of work. 

Geoff isn’t sure why he thought him and Lucas weren’t friends before. It’s pretty obvious now.

“You should play!” Awsten leans over to grab the guitar. “Come on, I’ve never heard you play the guitar before.”

“Lucas!” Geoff shouts over to Lucas, who is standing at the opposite end of the room talking to his girlfriend. “Can I play your guitar?”

“Go for it.” Lucas gives him a thumbs up.

Awsten slides off of Geoff’s lap so he can set the guitar in it. He strums it, but it’s a little out of tune so he fiddles with it until it sounds right. Tuning by ear isn’t as easy as he remembers it being, but Awsten nods his approval at each note so Geoff takes it as good enough. Now that he has the guitar, he doesn’t know what to play. He tries out a few chords and Awsten bounces on the couch beside him in excitement.

“Can you play I Will Follow You Into The Dark?” He asks.

“I know the chords but I don’t remember the lyrics.” Geoff admits.

“I do. You play, I’ll sing.” Awsten kisses him on the cheek.

Geoff plays it as he remembers it - it has been a long time since he has played anything on the guitar, let alone this song. Awsten hums along to the intro for a moment, then looks Geoff dead in the eyes as he sings, “Love of mine…”

Despite himself, Geoff giggles and almost messes up his chords. Awsten shuffles closer to Geoff and leans his head on his shoulder as he sings through the chorus. He sounds so sweet, so gentle next to Geoff’s ear. He’s focused on getting the chords right and letting Awsten’s voice wash over him, drowning out the other sounds of the party. 

“Then I’ll follow you into the dark…” Awsten trails off as Geoff plays the final chords. 

He looks up and sees that every single person in the room is staring at him and Awsten. Then he realises that they’re all smiling. Lucas starts to clap, then his girlfriend joins in enthusiastically, and everyone else claps and cheers. Geoff blushes and hides his face in Awsten’s neck, cradling the guitar carefully so he doesn’t drop it. 

“Thank you, thank you, we’ll be here all night.” Awsten says, bowing the best he can while seated with his arm around Geoff. 

Lucas comes over when everyone’s attention has returned to their original conversations and activities. “I didn’t know you were so good at guitar.” 

“It’s not a hard song.” Geoff insists, still blushing. “Everyone just liked Awsten’s voice.”

“They liked both of us.” Awsten presses a kiss to Geoff’s jaw. “You should play for me more.”

“Maybe.” Geoff says, but he thinks he will.

Sitting on the couch together at a party like this, it’s almost like the night he and Awsten met. Except Awsten isn’t hunched over, trying to make himself smaller, tugging at his binder self consciously. Except Geoff isn’t wishing he was literally anywhere else. Except they were perfect strangers. 

Now they’re sitting as close as they can get, giggling at inside jokes. Awsten is sitting up straight, scratching at his new stubble occasionally, talking nonstop. And Geoff is so glad he’s here.

“Baby, are you ready to do your shot?” Geoff calls from the bathroom. 

He needs to get a refill on his testosterone this week. It’s been a long time since he forgot to refill it, thank God. The one time he did, he called his doctor at seven o’clock at night, crying because he went to do his shot and realised he had no testosterone. Fortunately, his doctor at the time was a nice, younger woman who referred him straight to a pharmacist, who got him a new bottle of testosterone the next day. 

It’s a lot easier to remember his testosterone when he also has to remember Awsten’s. Being a person is easier when you have someone to do it with.

Awsten wanders into the bathroom. He stands on his toes so he can hook his chin over his shoulder. “I, um… talked to my doctor, while you were sleeping yesterday morning.” 

“Right…” Geoff opens the medicine cabinet and sees his own testosterone needles sitting on the shelf, but Awsten’s are gone.

Oh, God, has he decided to stop taking it? Has he changed his mind?

“Ta-da.” Awsten holds out a bottle labelled androgel. There’s a prescription label with his name attached to it. “I switched.”

“I thought you wanted to keep doing the injections.” Geoff turns around so he’s facing Awsten.

Awsten scoffs. “Sweetheart, I’m afraid of needles. I don’t know why I thought I could do it that way, but… it’s making me miserable. I just know I’ll be happier this way.” He kisses Geoff on the nose. “I wanna be happy.”

“That makes sense.” Geoff agrees. “I was starting to think the needles were a kink thing for you.”

“What!”

“You know, making me inject you even though it hurt and you were terrified-”

“No! What the hell!” Awsten starts laughing. “Needles are not a kink thing for me, I think we’ve confirmed that.”

“Good to know.” Geoff kisses Awsten, sweet and slow. Awsten wraps his arms around Geoff’s neck, pressing their bodies together with a minute grind of his hips. Geoff grabs his waist to stop him. “Hang on, I need to take my T first.”

“You want me to wait until after?” Awsten makes puppy dog eyes at him.

“It’ll take ten minutes, tops.” Geoff takes his needles out of the medicine cabinet and closes the door. “Then you can sit on my face.” 

Awsten whimpers. “Uh, yeah, um, cool. That’s fine, that’s, uh, good. Awesome. I’m gonna- I’m gonna go somewhere else while you stick yourself with a needle, and then I’ll come right back. So you can, you know. Do that to me.”

“You got it, love.” Geoff kisses him one more time before taking his supplies and going to their spare bedroom to take his shot. 

They don’t do their shots on their bed. Awsten likes to keep it separate from everything else, partly because the needles scare him. It’s also because then it isn’t a big thing in their lives. Then they’re just two regular guys, them being trans doesn’t matter. Geoff will never regret going on testosterone, but he’s glad it feels like nothing now. That it feels like a part of his routine, like brushing his teeth or putting on socks.

He likes that Awsten is a part of his routine, too. How their lives have moulded around each other, not so much changing as making space for the other. Geoff has changed, for the better, but he isn’t a different person. He’s just a nicer one, a braver one, all because he has someone to be better for.

Then he remembers. Awsten is waiting for him.

Geoff has never put his testosterone away so fast. When he doesn’t find Awsten in the living room, he goes into their bedroom instead.

Awsten sits on their bed, naked from the waist down, fingers dancing over his little cock. He’s dripping wet, slipping in and out of himself with ease. Geoff wants to eat him alive.

“Hello pretty boy.” Geoff pulls his shirt off as he approaches the bed. “You waiting for me?”

“Always.” Awsten breathes, sliding his fingers in again. 

Geoff climbs up onto the bed and grabs Awsten’s wrists, pinning them against the bed. “Let me do that for you, sweetie.”

He kisses Awsten gently, keeping one hand on his wrist and using the other to push three fingers into him. It’s less of a stretch than Geoff expected, Awsten taking it so easily that Geoff moans involuntarily. Geoff speeds up a little, relishing in the squeaks and whimpers he draws from Awsten. 

Then Awsten yelps like he’s in pain, and Geoff stops immediately. 

“Sorry, baby, was that too much?” Geoff coos.

“No, it’s good.” Awsten gasps. He puts his hand on his chest. “My ribs. I think I wore my binder too long today.”

“Poor thing.” Carefully, Geoff pushes Awsten’s shirt up to halfway up his ribs. When Awsten doesn’t resist or complain, Geoff presses gentle kisses to each rib. He continues pumping his fingers in and out of him, feeling his slick drip down his palm. Awsten keens and bucks his hips. “You still up for sitting on my face?”

“Yes.” Awsten gasps. “Please, please, please-”

“It’s okay baby, come here.” Geoff pulls his fingers out of him and rolls onto his back. 

Awsten clambers on top of Geoff, hovering over his face. “I don’t wanna suffocate you so I’m not gonna, like, sit sit on your face.”

“Yes, you are.” Geoff digs his fingers into Awsten’s hips and pulls him down against his mouth. 

Geoff presses his tongue flat against Awsten’s dick, drawing a satisfied groan out of him. He fucks his tongue into Awsten’s hole, trying to get as much noise out of Awsten as he can. Like his singing voice, the way he keens and moans when Geoff mouths at him is beautiful. Geoff could do this for hours, tasting Awsten and making him feel good. 

Despite his best efforts, Geoff does need to come up for air eventually. He pulls Awsten’s hips up, trailing kisses along his thighs instead. Awsten whimpers and squirms, so Geoff digs his nails into Awsten’s hip bones. With a yelp, Awsten stills but continues to whine at the lack of contact.

“Patience, baby boy.” Geoff mumbles against the crook of Awsten’s leg, unsure if Awsten can even hear him. “Let me take my time.” 

Awsten pushes his hips down again and Geoff lets him, spearing him on his tongue. They move in time, knowing exactly how to please the other. So in tune with each other’s bodies that before long, Awsten is shaking apart above him. Geoff rides him through it, burying his face into Awsten as he drips all over his face.

“Fu-uck!” Awsten moans, curling in on himself as he comes.

Geoff keeps his hands on Awsten’s waist as he comes down so he doesn’t fall off the bed. Carefully, Geoff lowers Awsten so he’s sitting on the bed and climbs on top of him. They kiss softly, Awsten’s hand smoothing down Geoff’s stomach and dipping into the waistband of his jeans.

“Not tonight, baby.” Geoff mumbles, pushing his hand away. “I’m fine.”

“You never let me get you off.” Awsten pouts. 

“Sorry.” Geoff sighs. “I just- not right now.”

“Is everything alright?” Awsten asks, taking his hand off of Geoff’s stomach and putting it on his shoulder instead. 

“Yeah, I just-” Geoff shakes his head. “I’m fine. I just don’t feel like it right now.”

“You still like me, right?” Awsten asks quietly.

“Oh, honey, of course I do. I love you.” Geoff kisses him. “This is a me thing. You’re still beautiful, you’re still sexy, you’re still my boy. There’s just a lot going on in my head right now.”

“Like what? You don’t have to tell me.” Awsten adds quickly. “Just, if you wanna talk, I’m here for you, y’know?”

“I know.” Geoff says, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. 

He doesn’t want to talk about how sex is just weird for him. While he likes giving, sometimes he just hates receiving. It gets too much for him. Without warning, some switch will flip in his brain and he can’t do it anymore - it’s almost… like a trauma response. While it’s never happened with Awsten, Geoff is so scared that it will happen that he doesn’t let it start. 

It isn’t like he’s scared of Awsten. He isn’t, he never has been. He’s scared of his own body reacting negatively to something that should be good. It doesn’t make sense and he doesn’t like it. Why can’t he have an easy life?

“It’s just difficult for me sometimes.” Geoff says.

Awsten’s eyes go wide. “I- I didn’t force that on you, right?”

“No, no, sweetheart.” Geoff pulls Awsten into a hug. “I don’t mind doing things for you. It’s when we try for me that my head goes- I don’t know.” He gestures vaguely.

“Wow, you’re like, the ultimate service top.” Awsten teases. Geoff snorts and kisses him on the forehead. “We can work that out, though. If you wanna.”

“Maybe.” Geoff shrugs. “I don’t know how we’d do that.”

“I’ll figure it out.” Awsten puts his hands on Geoff’s cheeks. “Let me help you.”

“You always help me, love.” 

Geoff steps out of his car and clicks the button on his key fob to lock it. When he checks his phone, it reads seven-thirty in the morning, no messages. He’s exhausted, ready to crawl into bed with Awsten and sleep off his night shift. His head hurts, his bad arm is bothering him. 

He’s walking up to the front of his building, when he hears someone calling his name from down the street. Part of him expects it to be Awsten, having gone down to the store to grab something or on an early morning walk. The voice is all wrong, though. It’s the last person Geoff expects to see outside his apartment building.

“Kai?” He asks, stepping back from his door and onto the sidewalk. 

“Uh, hi.” Kai walks up slowly. They look better than Geoff has ever seen them. Their hair is longer, their eyes are brighter, but a little red like they have been crying. “Uh, this is weird. I didn’t realise you lived around here.”

“Do you?” Geoff asks.

“Yeah, I live about half a mile from here. Well, my foster family do. It’s not my house.” Kai scuffs their feet against the sidewalk and sniffles. “I should go back but I don’t wanna.”

“Are they causing you trouble?” Geoff unlocks his front door and gestures for Kai to follow him inside. It’s irresponsible of him, but Kai technically isn’t his patient anymore. They’re just a lost kid crying outside his apartment.

“No. Well, I guess. I don’t know.” Kai follows him up the stairs. “They want me to cut my hair, but I don’t want to cut my hair.” 

“Then don’t cut your hair.” He shrugs as they reach his floor. “Simple as that.”

“They keep insisting on it.” They scoff. “Apparently I don’t look like a boy, which is the whole point, but they don’t get that.” 

“I’m sorry they aren’t treating you well.” Geoff says gently, fumbling with the key to his apartment. It's hard living in a house that doesn't feel welcoming. Geoff knows - he grew up in one.

“They treat me fine. Anything is better than my actual parents.” They say. 

Geoff opens the door and lets Kai inside. Awsten appears from the kitchen, running over to give Geoff a hug. With a laugh, Geoff swings him around until Awsten notices Kai.

“Who’s this?” He asks.

“This is Kai. They were one of my patients.” Geoff realises he never told Awsten about Kai. “They just need to get out of their foster parents’ house for a few hours because they want them to cut their hair.”

“Oh, okay.” Awsten says, unphased. That’s what Geoff loves about Awsten - he’ll go along with anything. “Hi, Kai. I’m Awsten, I’m Geoff’s boyfriend.”

“Hi.” Kai smiles slightly. “I didn’t mean to intrude, I just-”

“It’s no problem.” Geoff yawns. “I can stay up for a bit.”

“No, you go to bed!” Awsten insists. “I’ll look after Kai. We can bond over… something other than being trans, I’m sure.” He turns to Kai. “Do you like Fall Out Boy?”

“Everyone likes Fall Out Boy.” They say. 

“I’m always saying this.” Awsten agrees. He kisses Geoff on the cheek. “Go to bed, I have someone else to ramble to about Pete Wentz now.”

“Alright. Love you.” Geoff kisses Awsten and gives Kai a nod. “You can stay as long as you like, and leave whenever you want. Just let your foster parents know you’re okay before we get arrested for kidnapping.”

“I will.” Kai promises. “Night, Geoff. Or, morning?”

Geoff chuckles. “Goodnight, kid.”

He gets ready for bed, listening to Awsten’s attempts to talk quietly. Mostly he succeeds, but when he laughs it’s as loud as normal. Geoff falls asleep with a smile on his face, the sound of his love's laughter soothing him.

When he wakes up, it’s quiet except for the hum of the TV in the living room. Geoff is almost suspicious of it - if Awsten’s quiet, it either means he’s up to something, asleep, or he’s so deep in a hyperfixation episode that he has forgotten to eat. He gets up slowly, stretching his shoulders out with a worrying crunch. Once he has thrown on a shirt, he goes out into the living room.

Kai is curled up on the couch, fast asleep with their arm tucked under their head. They snore softly, a blanket tucked around them and one of Awsten’s plushies under their arm. Awsten sits at the opposite end of the couch, watching The Office on the TV. He looks… different. It takes Geoff a second to place it through his sleepy haze, but when he does-

“Why is your hair blue?”

Awsten turns around and grins at him. “You don’t like it?”

His hair is electric blue, and cut a little shorter. Geoff isn’t sure if he was asleep for a few hours or a few days.

“I like it.” Geoff ruffles Awsten’s hair. “I thought your scene hair was important to you, though.”

“Eh. It kinda made me look like a girl, which isn’t a bad thing for most people, but, y’know.” Awsten shrugs. “I always wanted to dye it blue, so when Kai asked me to help them cut their hair-”

“I thought they didn’t want to cut their hair.” Geoff sits down on the armchair, watching the rise and fall of Kai’s chest.

“They didn’t want to cut it short like their foster parents said, so I just tidied it up for them. Hopefully it’ll get their foster parents off their back about it for a while.” Awsten giggles. “And then I decided I wanted blue hair.”

“You’re the sweetest thing in the world.” Geoff takes Awsten’s hand and kisses it. He feels like his heart is about to burst. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Awsten smiles softly. “Kai told me how you met them.”

“Oh.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

“HIPAA.”

“Come on.” Awsten chuckles. “You can’t tell me personal details but you can tell me when something upsets you.”

“I wasn’t upset.”

“Lucas said you were.” 

Geoff scoffs. “Of course you spoke to Lucas.”

“Baby.” Awsten squeezes his hand. “Your job is really stressful and you’ve been through a lot in your life-”

“I’m fine.”

“I know you are. But you don’t talk to me, you barely talk to Lucas, you definitely don’t talk to your dad. Who’s looking out for you, babe?” 

“I’ve always looked after myself.” Geoff whispers. “Even before I left home, after mom died, I just… never had anyone to talk to so I didn’t talk.”

“So you just bottle it up?”

“I have a diary. You won’t find it, it’s too well hidden.” Geoff adds when Awsten’s eyes widen. “But I’m not good at talking about how I feel, okay? I don’t have the words to explain what goes on in my head sometimes.”

“Then don’t tell me what goes on in your head. Tell me about Kai.” Awsten begs. “Tell me about work, tell me about your family, tell me what happens when I’m not with you. We live together but sometimes I feel like I know nothing about you.”

“You know everything about me.”

“I know everything you tell me and that’s not a lot.” Awsten sighs. “I’m not mad at you, honey. I just don’t want you to go anywhere in your head that I can’t follow you.”

Geoff bites his lip. He considers for a moment, then he says, “It was fifteen minutes before my shift even started. Steph came into the locker room and asked me to check out this kid that she thought might be trans.”

“And you’re the only trans nurse in the building.” 

“Right. I- We’re supposed to help everyone no matter what. No one is different when they’re in the ER. But when Steph came to me because she didn’t know what to do with Kai… I remembered that people do see me differently. All three of us are different, even in the ER, and I don’t know what to do about that.” Geoff sniffs. “I feel like I should be doing something more than I am.”

“Which is why you let Kai in.”

“Mhm.” Geoff holds his hand up to his face as he feels tears well in his eyes. “I can’t save every trans kid I come across but I want to. I want to.”

“You saved me.” Awsten says gently. “You saved Kai. We’re not everyone, but we’re someone. And how many people have you saved in the ER? Don’t say you haven’t, nurses are the backbone of those places.”

“Yeah.” Geoff kisses Awsten’s hand again. “I forget how much I do.” 

“You do plenty.” Awsten gets up and sits himself in Geoff’s lap. Geoff relaxes as he wraps his arms around Awsten’s waist. “Love of mine, please just talk to me. I’m always here to listen.”

“I know, I know.” Geoff kisses him.

“You two are gross.” Kai mumbles, eyes half open on the couch. “You know Awsten never shuts up about you, right?”

“Oh yeah?” Geoff giggles. Awsten grumbles in embarrassment and buries his face into Geoff’s neck. “To be fair, I talk about you all the time too.”

“Really?” Awsten giggles. “You’re, like, obsessed with me~”

“Mm.” Geoff kisses his cheek. Then he turns to look at Kai. “Your hair looks nice, kid.”

“Thanks.” Kai ruffles their own hair. It does look a lot tidier, but not any shorter. “I text my foster mom and apologised for being a dick about it but I don’t think she forgives me.”

“Are they nice to you?” Awsten asks.

“They’re fine. They mostly act like I don’t exist.” They shrug. “I prefer it that way.”

Geoff can’t imagine wanting to be invisible to his parents. All he has wanted his whole life is for his dad to see him for who he is. But dad refuses to, no matter how hard Geoff tries. It’s like trying to dig through a brick wall with a plastic spoon. Maybe he’d get through eventually, but-

It would be easy to turn around and walk away. To give up on the whole operation. Geoff doesn’t want to lose his father, but at this point he has no choice. He wishes he could be like Kai, able to just drop his family, or Awsten who has a good one. 

Part of him is ready to move on. Part of him is still clinging to the old memories of his dad coming home from work every day, picking Geoff up and swinging him around like he was the most special kid in the world. 

That was thirty years ago. Geoff needs to let it go.

It’s rare that Geoff has a night off without Awsten, but today is one of those days. Awsten’s at work, and he has taken Kai with him so they can meet Gracie. She’s a similar age to them and she lives nearby, so Awsten thinks they can be friends. It’s a good idea, but all of Geoff’s work mates are at, well, work. Even Otto and Travis are busy. He has no one else to hang out with.

This is the first time he has been left on his own in a while. All of the things he doesn’t like to think about come back to haunt him. He tries to tamp it down with loud music and video games, but it doesn’t help. Things keep bubbling back up, mostly about his dad. Mostly about how his dad doesn’t have enough respect for him to gender him correctly. 

It really isn’t about love. Geoff wholeheartedly believes his dad still loves him, despite everything. And Geoff still loves his dad, that’s why they keep calling. Somewhere, in the middle of all this, they do love each other. 

The love isn’t enough anymore. It’s too passive. Geoff needs action, needs his dad to do something that will make this relationship work. For too long, Geoff has let him off the hook, insisting that his dad will figure it out eventually. 

Fifteen years. It’s now or never.

“Has something happened?” Dad asks when he picks up the phone. “You aren’t due to call me for another two weeks.”

“No, I’m fine, dad. I just wanted to talk to you.” Geoff sits on his couch for once instead of hiding in his closet. 

“Has that boy up and left you? What was he called?”

“Awsten.” Geoff reminds him. “And, no, he hasn’t. He’s just at work.”

“Has he got you pregnant?”

“I don’t think that’s biologically possible.”

“Right, of course.” Dad says. “I forgot he’s… like you.”

“About that.” Geoff decides he doesn’t want to drag this out. “I need you to start gendering me correctly, or I’m going to stop calling.”

Dad goes quiet for a long, tense moment. It lasts so long that Geoff pulls his phone away from his ear to check the call is still going. He wants to break the silence but he has no idea what to say. There has to be a way to have this conversation without it turning into the same old argument.

“Dad…” Geoff sighs. “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything.” Dad says.

Geoff scoffs. “I doubt that.”

“Come on-” There’s static where Geoff’s dead name is. Not his old name, not his birth name, his dead name. He’s ready for it to stay dead.

“That’s not my name. I need you to get that into your head.” Geoff feels tears stinging at the corners of his eyes. “Please, dad, if you don’t I’m gonna have to stop calling you.” 

More agonising silence. Dad sighs. Geoff feels the first tear slide down his face.

“I named you after my grandmother.” Dad says. “I’m not letting go of that.”

“I named myself after you.” Geoff whispers. “I just want you to treat me like your son.”

Silence, just a beat this time. “I didn’t raise you to be my son.”

“Well, that’s how I’ve turned out. So either you get your shit together and respect it, or I’m done with you.” Geoff takes a shaky breath. “I deserve better.”

“I’m the only family you have left.”

“I have Awsten. His parents and his sister like me, and all his friends. And I’ve got Lucas-”

“Who the hell is Lucas?”

“Exactly.” Geoff laughs, choking on the sobs stuck in the back of his throat. “Me and Lucas have been friends for five years, and you have no idea who he is. You have no idea what goes on in my life. I bet you don’t even know what hospital I work at.”

“River Oaks.”

“I’ve never worked at River Oaks. Jesus, dad. You want to care about me, but you don’t. I’m too inconvenient for you.” Geoff says, the realisation dawning on him like a tonne of bricks.

“You… are not an easy person to love.” Dad says, and that’s when Geoff hangs up.

He doesn’t really mean to throw his phone, he just wants it away from him. It hits the wall above the TV and drops to the carpet, the thud drowned out by his sobs. There’s a tugging part of his soul that desperately wants him to call back and apologise, to ask his dad to come visit him and give him a hug.

But he doesn’t want his dad. He wants the concept of his dad, someone who hasn’t existed for years. He just wants someone who loves him unconditionally, who will take care of him even if he isn’t perfect.

The front door to the apartment creaks open, followed by footsteps that stop dead. Geoff tries to look up, but his sobs keep him doubled over. His stomach hurts so much that he feels like he could vomit. Someone sits down on the couch beside him, and instinctively Geoff knows it’s Awsten. Who else would it be?

“Hey, love.” Awsten says quietly, putting his hand on Geoff’s back. “Your talk with your dad didn’t go well, I guess.”

“He said I’m hard to love.” Geoff cries. “I told him I’d stop calling if he didn’t gender me right and he still won’t do it.”

“I think you have to let him go.” Awsten whispers.

“I know. Logically, I know, but I don’t want to. I want my fucking dad back.” Geoff sniffles. Thirty years worth of emotions are crashing down on him at once. “I miss my mom.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” Awsten presses a kiss to the side of Geoff’s head. “If it helps, you’re the easiest person to love ever.”

“No one but you thinks that.”

“Does anyone but me matter to you?”

Geoff wipes his eyes. “No. No, not really.”

“Then,” Awsten puts his hands on Geoff’s cheeks and tilts his face up, “Don’t worry about it, hey?”

“Has saying ‘don’t worry about it’ ever stopped anyone from worrying?” Geoff asks, smiling softly at Awsten.

“Nah, but it’s a nice thing to say.” Awsten pecks him on the lips. “Do you wanna keep talking about this, or do you wanna get out of your head?”

“Out of my head, please.” Geoff leans their foreheads together. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Awsten kisses him again, then gets up. “Okay, you need water and, like, cuddles. Because of the crying.” 

“Sorry about that.” 

“Never apologise for having emotions.” Awsten leaves to the kitchen, and Geoff slumps down in his seat.

He doesn’t really feel bad about cutting off his dad. It had to happen, he knows that. But it feels too much like giving up too soon, even if it has been over fifteen years with no progress. Even if it was like beating his fists against a brick wall and ignoring all of the blood.

When Awsten comes back with a cup of water for him, they curl up together while Geoff takes careful sips of it. Awsten rubs his thumb along the ridge of Geoff’s spine, humming to himself with his eyes closed. It feels wrong, being this at peace when Geoff’s life just exploded around him.

But it didn’t, did it? Geoff’s dad hasn’t been a part of his life for years.

“You know, my parents like you. We can share.” Awsten suggests after a long stretch of silence. 

Geoff chuckles. “That’s alright. I think they have enough kids.”

“Try telling my mom that. Gracie invited Kai for dinner with my parents, and now she’s trying to convince my dad to let them live there.” Awsten giggles. “I guess they could, considering I’ve moved out.”

“They’ll want to keep your room in case you come back though, right?” 

“Why would I go back?”

Geoff shrugs. “What if we break up?” 

“Pff.” Awsten buries his face into Geoff’s neck. “That’s a problem for an Awsten that’s much sadder than me.”

“You’ve got to at least consider-”

“Shhh.” Awsten kisses Geoff, lips pressed hard together. “I’ve considered it and I’ve decided that you’re stuck with me forever.”

“But-”

“Let me believe that we’ll be in love for the rest of our lives. It makes me happy.” Awsten makes puppy dog eyes at Geoff. “Pleeeease.”

Geoff smiles softly at him. “Alright. Even if we aren’t, I’ll always be here for you.”

“I know, babe. I know.”

“We’re going to my parents’ for dinner tomorrow night.” Awsten says.

“Do I get a choice?” Geoff asks. Tonight is his last night shift before he has a few days off. He planned to spend tomorrow evening in bed, preferably with Awsten on top of him. 

“My parents said they have something to tell me that they couldn’t tell me over the phone. If they’re getting divorced, I need emotional support.” Awsten flops down on the bed beside Geoff, who is tying his shoes. “And if I show up without you, Gracie and Kai are gonna think we broke up and they’ll pester me about it all night.”

“Kai’s gonna be there?”

“They practically live there. Them and Gracie are best friends now.” Awsten stretches out like a cat. Geoff leans down and kisses the bit of tummy exposed by Awsten’s shirt, just to hear him laugh. “So, if you sleep from eight until four, that gives us enough time to get ready before we have to be there.”

“You’re gonna let me sleep eight hours?” Geoff asks. He normally gives himself six after a night shift and hopes for the best.

“Uh, yeah? Why wouldn’t I?” Awsten asks. “I don’t let you do anything, I’m not the boss of you.”

“I know that.” Geoff sighs. “You’re too good to me, I don’t deserve you.”

“You’ve got me either way.” Awsten kisses him. Geoff kisses him back slowly, savouring him. Awsten pulls back first. “Nope, nope, do not start making out with me ten minutes before you have to go to work. You’re gonna be late.”

“So what?”

Awsten pretends to consider it. “Hm, true. But you pay the bills, so…” 

“We both pay bills.” Geoff reminds him. They split their costs as evenly as they can considering Geoff makes quite a bit more money than Awsten does. “But, yeah, I gotta go.”

Leaving Awsten always hurts a little bit. Even though they'll be back together in twelve hours, even though their goodbyes are never permanent. It's that age old story, about souls being tied together. That's what they are - so wrapped up together they can't be unravelled.

"How bad is it?" Awsten whispers to his sister when they get to the house that night.

"Why do you always assume the worst?" His sister, Gracie, asks. "It's good news, I promise."

"So they're not getting divorced."

"No, of course not." Gracie looks to Geoff. "Can you make him stop?"

"Not usually." Geoff shrugs.

Kai sits next to Geoff at the dinner table. They look better than ever - less pale, less malnourished, less miserable. He gives them a hug and they squeeze him so tight that it reminds him of wearing a binder. Then they tell him that they're moving to a new school, one that has a soccer team - Geoff didn't even know they played soccer, but he's glad they're getting to do things they enjoy.

"Is your foster family okay with you moving schools?" Geoff asks.

"My new one is." Kai smiles slyly.

Geoff narrows his eyes at them. "What did you do?"

"We're fostering them!" Mr Knight says proudly. "Just until they finish high school and can find their own place to live."

"Yo, that's great!" Awsten exclaims. "You can have my old room."

"Is that alright?" Mrs Knight asks gently. "I know you love your room here."

"I'd much rather be living at my apartment." Awsten smiles at Geoff. "I don't need a room here anymore."

Geoff smiles back at him. He's glad he has made a space where Awsten feels safe enough to let go of his safety net.

Otto's charity event is ridiculously crowded. There's easily a hundred people in the venue, watching Otto's band perform the best show Geoff has ever seen them play. Kudos to them for actually getting their act together.

A lot of Geoff's coworkers have showed up, more than he expected. Lucas, De'Wayne, Dallon, Sophie, Zeph, even Steph, who has never come to an event in her life. Kai, Gracie, and Travis are here too, of course. He is so glad to see them all here, supporting people like him, that he gives them all a hug, except Steph who hasn't come over to speak to him yet. She's at the bar with some guy that neither him nor Awsten recognises.

Not that Awsten is paying much attention, because as always he's singing along the loudest to Otto's music. Geoff has to keep pulling him back towards him so he doesn't jump into other people. But Awsten is having such a good time that Geoff lets him get a bit more excitable than he normally would.

Once Otto's set is over, Steph finally comes over to say hello. They do their usual exchange of pleasantries (how's life, how's work, are you having a good time?) when Kai turns and sees who Geoff is talking to.

"No way! You're Steph O'Sullivan!" They exclaim. "I thought I was going crazy when I saw you at the hospital."

"I sure am." Steph smiles at them gently.

"Yeah, you guys have met before in the ER." Geoff says, but they seem more familiar than that. "Or do you know each other from somewhere else?"

"Oh, she won't remember me. But I've seen her play before, she's awesome!" Kai bounces on the balls of their feet, excited. "Are you playing tonight?"

"Yeah, I was about to go up there." Steph gestures to the band setting up on the stage.

"Wait…" Geoff remembers that time in the break room, and who the headlining act is for this event. "You play for Greywind?"

Steph smiles at him. "I am Greywind." Then she walks up to the stage and hops onto it, takes a microphone from the guitarist, and turns to the crowd. "Good evening, everyone, my name is Steph, and we are motherfuckin' Greywind."

Greywind's set is fantastic - Steph is electric on stage and the whole crowd loves it. Awsten is having the time of his life. He knows Greywind, apparently everyone except Geoff does. Geoff just happened to be the only one who actually knew Steph in her real life.

This is a family party like Geoff never had growing up, because he biological family never really got on. Lucas and De'Wayne singing along to the music, Zeph and Sophie dancing together, Kai dragging Otto closer to the stage so they can see better. Travis and Dallon have, somehow, struck up a conversation about books through all the noise. It's both chaotic and peaceful. Geoff feels content, comfortable with the people around him and the vibe of the venue. This is what he really needed during all those years he spent alone and near-friendless. People who showed up for him. People who invited him out even when he might say no.

Awsten wraps his arms around Geoff's neck and yells in his ear to be heard over the music. "This is the best night ever! Thank you for getting so many people to come."

Normally Geoff would say something like it wasn't all me, but this time he says, "You're welcome."

"I love you." Awsten kisses him on the cheek. "More and more every day."

Geoff squeezes Awsten in his arms. "I love you more than you could ever imagine.