Chapter Text
The curse tastes like shit. They always do. Always tasting like a rag used to wipe up vomit and shit. Suguru thought he had gotten used to it, but somehow this curse still manages to exceed his worst expectations.
His throat begs him not to. He can feel its muscles fighting against the invading orb, wanting to push it out. The urge to vomit is overwhelming. And he almost does, releasing a pathetic sound that gets noticed by a certain someone standing a few feet apart.
A certain someone whose hair is as white as snow, whose striking eyes are bluer than all the skies and the oceans, intense, overwhelming, could even be described as dominating, for under their baring, burning gaze, Suguru's own ambers can't help but shy away.
"Suguru?"
Satoru must have finished exorcising that curse, for he is now here, and his voice calls him with that all-familiar casual tone, though, this time, Suguru's ears catch in it something that feels almost like… worry?
He instantly pushes that thought out of his stupid and pathetic head.
Even if Satoru Gojo ever worries for him, it would never, could never, mean anything more than the innocent, kind-hearted concern for a mere stranger or a friend.
Only if he could convince his heart to accept it.
He can hear his steps approaching, and his heart thumps loudly in his chest. He is not going to throw up in front of his… in front of him. His declining weight and dark circles are already enough of an embarrassment. Thank you very much.
With all the will his withering body could muster, he forcefully pushes the filthy orb down his throat, his eyes almost tearing at the unparalleled hideous taste.
Pursing his lips, he turns to face the approaching figure, now too close for his liking.
Satoru's height seems to increase day by day, and while Suguru is tall himself, the way he now has to look up slightly to meet his eyes makes his skin tingle feverishly.
He meets them for a second. Those captivating eyes of his.
The sight of them reminds him of their absence, and he cannot deal with that now. He breaks eye contact and he can swear it physically hurts. But stepping over his own emotions has always been something Suguru knew how to do.
"Suguru," Satoru calls his name again. "Is everything alright?"
Satoru's demeanor is serious, and like his voice, his big blue eyes seem to hold as much concern. Suguru absolutely hates it. This useless pity.
Is he so weak now? Does the strongest find him so bothersome? Maybe that is why he no longer goes on as many missions with him as they used to, finding him way too much of a burden.
"I'm fine," he answers him, clenching his fists. "I can manage on my own, Satoru. Mind your own business."
His voice comes out with a coldness that surprises even himself, and he is aware that his eyes are not their most kind too. He is practically snapping at Satoru, who rightfully looks taken aback. Nothing can be done about it. It's not like he can swallow back his words.
"What's wrong with you…" Satoru mutters under his breath, looking slightly aggrieved.
Suguru doesn't even grace him with a response.
Even though he seriously doesn't want him, Satoru still keeps close all the way back.
Without much conversation, the air between them is unnaturally tense. They still talk, but it is only Satoru attempting a conversation, and Suguru's replies coming short and clipped, ending it all before it starts.
They walk side by side, and at one point, Satoru casually slips his arm around his shoulder, a gesture he has always been used to making. But this time it irritates him, insults him even, and he instantly dislodges his arm and steps a foot or two to the front. Satoru makes a complaining tsk, but he doesn't push it any further.
Suguru also hates that he doesn't push it any further.
Suguru feels like he is losing his damn mind.
Satoru has done nothing wrong, but out of a sudden he is treating him worse than if he had killed his grandmother. He can feel his blood boiling, his head practically pounding at him, something is really suffocating him. If he stays silent almost the entire way back, it is because otherwise he would have done something he would surely regret later.
It's lunchtime when they reach Jujutsu High.
To say he is tired is an understatement.
Satoru, on the other hand, is a bundle of energy and fun. The mission that has exhausted the fuck out of him is just a piece of cake for the most promising sorcerer.
Satoru has really grown much much stronger.
The fact that they are no longer a match slaps him in the face. The pain lingers and takes root in his heart, budding and flowering and spilling its poisonous seed.
It's not that he envies Satoru. Not at all.
It is just… it is just that he despises himself.
He is so useless now… dispensable. Pale and thin and lacking he completely fades into the background. Nothing about him can keep Satoru close anymore. He has felt an inexplicable thrill upon hearing that he would be assigned on a mission with Satoru again, before figuring out that it has been Shoko who had asked the higher-ups for that out of worry for his deteriorating condition… not even Satoru himself.
Did Satoru not miss him?
But he… he has missed him a lot…
They were just a few months, but he has missed him so much it has messed up his mind. So much that without Satoru by his side, life has become devoid of any color.
His favorite books have become boring and dull.
His favorite songs can no longer be listened to.
And even the food he used to like, on his tongue now tastes like ash.
All of that and he is still incapable of maintaining a shred of dignity, for he was planning to excuse himself to his room and rest after informing the higher-ups of the details of their mission, but right as they step into Tokyo Jujutsu High, Satoru yanks his arm and pulls him closer, interlocking their arms together, then running. And running. And running. With a maddening speed that knocks the air out of his chest. With a childish, silly, and enchanting smile that makes everything around him stop. Time freezes and his head blanks. His heart does some painful jumps when he throws that smile at him, heat rising to his cheeks until they burn, and with a shameful pliancy that he should have never had, he lets himself be dragged and kidnapped to wherever the white-haired dummy wishes.
Strangely, Satoru takes him to Jujutsu High's dining hall.
As they burst into it, he becomes instantly conscious about their interlocked arms, but Satoru's hold is tight, and strong, and commanding, and he can't let go.
Satoru slows to a regular walk but he doesn't let go either, and he leads them to their usual spot at the dining hall.
Oh… that was… a long time ago.
After they had stopped going on missions together, they barely even saw each other anymore. Both of them had different schedules that didn't overlap, especially with Suguru starting to drop more and more classes. That also meant they no longer ate together.
It wasn’t a big deal.
Suguru had been pretty cool about it for a few weeks, but then a day came when he sat at their table alone and found himself unable to handle the sad sight of that empty seat in front of him. It almost repulsed him. Before he could taste a single spoon, he stood and left the hall. Never returning again.
Until now.
It feels almost… nostalgic.
To be with Gojo Satoru again is to throw himself into the fire. Yet he is greedy and he is pitiful, and more than anything, he is very weak for the attractive calamity that is Gojo Satoru.
So he sits at his usual place, but Satoru remains standing.
He looks at him with a gentle smile. He stares at him with a weird intensity. The hall that has all the students and staff members is never quiet, but it sounds especially so when his deep voice orders him in an obviously serious tone. "You will wait for me here, Suguru, don't try to go anywhere."
God his voice… it tugs at his heart's strings.
Suguru lowers his lashes and hums. He is not going to argue. He has actually missed a good meal. The small and dry snacks he has relied on do not do his appetite any good, and even though he is very good at cooking, he often finds himself becoming too lazy and nonchalant to cook anything for himself. Eating alone had food tasting like ash on his tongue anyways. Eating with Satoru though… This was a different conversation.
To Geto Suguru, food in the company of Gojo Satoru has another taste.
He cannot explain it; only those who have tried it could understand him.
Though he doesn't wait for long, he must have fallen into some sort of a daze, so he is taken aback when he feels his black hair suddenly spilling softly onto his shoulders.
Oh… Satoru has done it again.
Will he ever get tired of this silly habit?
He seems to really hate whenever his hair is tied up. Does he look so ugly with it that way?
Silly Satoru…
Satoru displays his proudest smile as he places two bamboo trays on their table, then sits at his chair and proceeds to eat from his own. The bamboo trays have servings of chilled buckwheat noodles along with a bowl of tsuyu dipping sauce and the noodles are garnished with bits of dried nori seaweed.
It's Suguru's favorite food. And in all his years at Tokyo Jujutsu High, he has never seen it served here before.
He wants to ask him about it, but his ambers make short contact with those blues, and he forgets what he was intending to ask. Satoru is smiling softly… smiling like a dumb idiot, with one hand resting on his cheek, with the other arm's muscles flexing under his short-sleeved shirt every time he carries the chopsticks to his mouth.
Indeed it is his favorite food, Suguru can feel himself almost salivating...
Inappropriate.
He makes a mental note to tell Satoru to put on his uniform's jacket after they finish eating, but the thought is cut by Satoru poking his cheek with his chopstick, startling him out of his weird reveries.
On that irritatingly handsome face is the smuggest expression Suguru has ever seen.
"Oi, Suguru, I know I'm so handsome you can't even close your eyes, right?" Satoru teases, eyes closed proudly and hands gesturing in an arrogant manner. "But you should eat first if you wanted us to take a picture together, or I can make it two pictures if you finish your plate, or I—"
Suguru feels a vein in his forehead pop and he interrupts him.
"Who's beautiful!" He hisses, nudging that arrogant cheek with the chopsticks in payback, his whole face turning red like a tomato from anger… or something else.
Satoru only grins like a fool.
This frustrating dummy…
Beautiful, Suguru thinks helplessly, hopelessly. His heart starts to ache with many reopening wounds.
He starts to eat nonetheless, and for the first time in months, he finds himself actually enjoying the taste of something.
For a few minutes, it feels as if everything is back to normal.
The door to the dining hall opens with a creak and Suguru hears footsteps approaching. Looking to his side, he sees an unfamiliar girl dressed in the familiar Jujutsu High student uniform heading in their direction. It's strange, he wasn't aware that their school had a new student, but then again, his focus has been terrible for a while, and he has been skipping way too many classes. The girl also looks just their age, pretty, tall, with long, thick black hair that almost reaches her waist. Her features are soft and feminine, exuding an air of confidence and strength that is rarely seen. She walks in slow, measured steps, her eyes fixed on Satoru's back.
As soon as she reaches them, she lays her hand gently on Satoru's shoulder, nudging him softly. "Satoru?"
The touch of her hands, the tone of her voice… it all seems too intimate…
Surprise etches on Satoru's face, but then comes familiarity, and cheerfulness, and softness. His voice mellows as he talks to her, a timbre that sounds like talking to a child, or a lover… damn! It really grates on Suguru's nerves.
"So… was it hard without me this time?" the girl teases, squinting her eyes and leaning in, her voice so playful, her entire energy matching Satoru's.
Satoru…
Satoru looks so at ease… so engrossed in talking with her, as if he totally forgot about his existence.
An ugly feeling sours in his heart.
They were like this too, at some point, Satoru and him, but Satoru has forgotten about his existence for so much time...
When did everything start to go wrong?
In the back of his mind, a vague, dreadful sensation keeps nagging at him.
Satoru glances at their food and suddenly he seems to remember something. He turns to her and asks "Oh, by the way, Akemi, have you eaten yet?"
And they’re even on a first-name basis...
Akemi laughs shyly.
"I thought I should wait for you to eat together, like every other day. But I see you are already eating with a friend."
…
Wait for you… like every other day…
Her words are a giant stone that falls over his chest, knocking the air out of him until the room goes spinning.
So that was it.
Satoru has a new fri— person. A new person. A closer person, much closer than him. Could even be a lover.
Was she his girlfriend?
As he wallowed in loneliness, Satoru was there making new relationships and totally forgetting about him.
At these thoughts, the nausea he has just gotten rid of returns to him in full force.
He suddenly feels so pathetic, he was an intruder, an imposter. Who was he deceiving? At this point, he can no longer even deceive himself. Even the place he is sitting in, even this face he is now looking at, they are no longer his. Suguru stands up with so much haste, his seat screeching loudly on the hall's floor.
Satoru looks at him then. And Shit… His eyes really sting.
He wants to look at him properly, but he will only end up embarrassing himself.
"Suguru wher—"
He doesn't let him finish. He storms out. It's a cloudy day with no sun in sight, and that's definitely the reason his body is shivering all over. He can hear steps hurrying out of the dining hall, but even among a million people, he will always recognize the sound of his steps.
He does not want to see him.
Satoru and his ugly eyes and his disgusting smile.
Satoru and his awful attitude and his terrible jokes.
He does not want to see him.
He walks faster. His pace becomes only a little bit shy of a run. Satoru is now shouting his name in frustration, asking him to stop but he really can't. His mind can no longer think, and his body is practically moving on autopilot.
A hand grips his wrist tightly, so tightly, and Satoru maneuvers his body with an embarrassing ease, turning him around so they're face to face, eye to eye, and Satoru's eyes are wide, and angry, and more than anything, confused.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Suguru?!" He yells, and Suguru has never seen him so angry at him before. "Did I do anything that upset you? If that's the case then talk to me about it, fuck! I've been trying to do everything to cheer you, but why are you not talking to me at all?"
Satoru's anger is laced with hurt, as if Suguru has done him some grave injustice. Suguru may have been able to control his temper before that, but with that the chance immediately flies out of the window. He really tried to suppress himself, but the words slip out of his mouth undeterred, uncontrollable, filled with bitterness and soaked in poison.
"You’re so full of yourself. Why does it matter to you if I talk or not? Why are you making everything about you?
"Just because we haven't seen each other much for half a year doesn't mean that I have to dedicate my whole existence to pleasing you or laughing at your stupid jokes"
It's like a dam has been opened, his emotions have gone haywire, and everything pours out of him completely unfiltered. Satoru looks at him as if he's seeing a ghost, and to be honest, right now he really feels like one.
"Do I have an obligation to be your personal entertainer, your clown, what else do you want me to do? Read you a bedtime story before you sleep? Get over yourself, Gojo Satoru! Who do you think you are to m— what are you doing???"
Satoru grabs him by the arms and pushes him into a wall behind him, and his force is frightening, and his roughness is something he has never seen before. Pain immediately erupts in his back and he winces, a sharp gasp escaping him. His eyes open to the sight of Satoru towering over him, trapping him, and for the first time in his life, Satoru's eyes as bright as the sun look at him and they're swimming with dark, terrifying storms.
"Do not ever, ever, ask who I am to you again." Satoru hisses, his voice turning impossibly deep. He is caging him, and his breathing is hard, harsh. The hot, humid air falling over Suguru's neck and raising goosebumps on his skin.
Satoru jerks him as if to awaken him from some slumber, as if to blame him, but he doesn't react, and from the corner of his eyes, he notices that girl, Satoru's girlfriend, he guesses, watching them from a short distance, concern etched on her gentle face.
"Your girl is watching," Suguru teases, smiling slightly, and his smile is obviously bitter, openly sarcastic, mocking, provoking. "You shouldn't make her wait."
Satoru glances shortly behind them, and then he looks at him with so much frustration. He looks at him like he wants to knock the living light out of him, and for a moment he entertains the thought that Satoru might even use his hollow purple technique, but instead Satoru's right hand curls into a tight fist.
Suguru thinks he’s going to hit him, and he doesn’t even want to avoid it.
Satoru's hand punches the wall instead and the surface instantly cracks, bits of debris and dust starting to fall. His eyes… They are the wildest Suguru has ever seen them and it scares him… what he sees in them is not hate, but something far more dangerous and primal and terrifying. Satoru leans in and their breaths mix, and Suguru hands become instantly clammy and his legs feel so fucking weak. His fingers dig into the wall behind him to steady himself as Satoru whispers in his ears with that husky voice of his. That deadly voice of his. “This does not end here, Suguru. We still have many things to talk about”.
Satoru’s fingers graze his neck as he retreats, right below his ear, and an embarrassing, involuntary whimper escapes his lips before he can control it.
Satoru's gaze darkens a bit further. Whether he has heard him or not, he doesn't say anything.
He joins that girlfriend of his and they leave for god knows where, Suguru doesn't wait for them to disappear from his sight. His stomach hurts, and weirdly his heart also really hurts. The nausea from before is definitely killing him at this point, and a dreadful realization hits him; he won't be able to make it to the bathroom in time.
Suguru runs to the nearest empty corner in the school's yard, away from eyes, as he empties the entire contents of his stomach.
It's not a lot, but thanks to Satoru, it's the most he has been able to eat in a really long time.
He expels everything until only air leaves his mouth. Damn. This has never happened to him before.
Among all the curses he has consumed, this curse might have been the hardest and most annoying to deal with. Suguru rests his back on a nearby tree as he pants, drops of sweat sliding slowly down his temple. His thoughts wander to the curse he has fought and consumed on this damned morning, the ugly thing was born out of the accumulated negative emotions of those who hadn't been able to get the love they yearned for. Suguru had thought it looked really ridiculous as it kept crying at him 'love me, love me', but soon he found out that was the only thing the curse could say at all.
Love me.
Love me.
Suguru really shouldn't have swallowed the curse of unrequited love.