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Not a lot in my life had gone right.
A sharp kick to my gut removed all the air from my lungs. I gasped and choked. Droplets of red splattered the pavement. I could taste iron on my tongue. My blood froze over.
It had been a long time since I’d been scared.
Heh. I guess I do still have feelings.
My hand automatically reached for the gun tucked into the waistband of my pants without thinking about it. In the two years I had been doing this shit, it was always with me. Pressed against my back, my thigh, my hand. The only lover to enter my bed. My security.
It wasn’t there.
Pain erupted in my hand but I swallowed the cry and fixed my features—the only reaction my heavy breathing. I forced myself upright, propped on one elbow, and inspected the damage. A clean slice had been made through the back of my hand, blood dripping in thick rivulets from the wound. It churned my stomach and hurt like a bitch, but it wouldn’t kill me.
Won’t it?
The need to run off and scrub the cut swallowed me. But I couldn’t. Not until these assholes were either taken care of or satisfied. A soft scoff made me look up to the figure advancing toward me.
“I’m losing my touch. I really wanted that to go through your hand.”
I spat at his feet.
I heard the gunshot a fraction before the concrete exploded next to me, tiny shards of rock stinging my exposed skin.
“This what you were looking for, bitch.” He twirled my gun around his finger like the fucking idiot he was and playfully blew on the end of the one he had just “bought” from me. “My aim is better than his. Play along or the next one goes through you.”
Numbness had diffused through my system like an opiate. I almost sighed in relief. This was familiar. No need to play dead when you already were. Honestly, it was a miracle I had made it to twenty. Might as well lay down and be as dead as I felt.
“Hey!”
The familiar yell startled me out of my anesthesia, lighting my nerves with the fire of fear again. No.
“Shit fuck!”
Let’s get out of here!”
“We can’t just fucking leave him here! He knows what we look like.”
Thug 1 grabbed Thug 2 by the front of his shirt and started running.
“That’s better than a fucking cop seeing us kill him! Move!”
Two seconds later and they were gone, my rescuer kneeling at my side.
I could see why they thought he was a cop.
“The fuck are you doing ‘ere, Shitwin,” I slurred.
Erwin’s frown was deep. He managed to look concerned even with his eyes hard as stone.
“When are you going to stop this, Levi?” He placed one broad palm against my back and gave me some much despised aid in sitting.
“I can’t fucking stop.” My mutter was so soft I did not know if I was saying it to him or myself.
“You can.”
I glared up at him and spat out another mouthful of blood.
“I can’t.”
Erwin sighed. He stood, one arm extended.
“Let’s get you cleaned up. We can talk about this later.”
Nothing changed that day. It wasn’t my last fight. I still dealt stolen goods.
If I had to pick a turning point in my life, though, that would probably be it.
It was the first time any of Erwin’s drivel about how I wasn’t helpless to alter my fate got through to me. The first crack that he chipped away at until I was working a reputable job and attending university.
He was the only thing to have gone right in my life up until that point.
I meant it when I said I’d probably be dead if it weren’t for Erwin.
He really deserved better than a fuck up like me for a friend, but no matter what I did, he never gave up on me.
“Levi! Where are you?”
Erwin’s edged voice cut me right to the core. I cringed, too ashamed to speak. I had not wanted to even answer. I wished I had not followed Erwin’s advice and installed the damn car phone. I felt like shit. But I couldn’t just ignore him, either. I had at least that much pride as a friend.
It had been an honest mistake. A fucking astounding mistake that would go down in some record book of shittiest things best friends have done, but an honest one. Between work on my thesis, shifts at the bar, and one too many genuinely sleepless nights due to the bitch that was insomnia, somehow my internal calendar had shifted a day off and I thought it was Saturday. Nothing was happening Saturday. I was free to take as many naps as my body would let me, continue pouring over my thesis, get in a workout if I could find the time for it.
It was not Saturday. It was Sunday. It was Sunday afternoon.
And I was very fucking late to Erwin’s wedding.
“Levi? Are you there?”
I gritted my teeth and tapped my index fingers against the steering wheel. “I—shit.” I readjusted my grip and my blunt fingernails dug into the leather.
“Levi, breathe. Just tell me how far out you are.”
My eyes burned and I wanted to spit every curse I knew at Erwin for being such a fucking understanding shitbag with the audacity to be comforting me in this situation.
“Fifteen minutes.”
“If you obey the speed limit?”
I didn’t answer.
“Levi.”
“Shut the fuck up, Erwin!” I roared. “Stop being so damn fucking nice and give me what I deserve. I fucked up. I couldn’t even be a decent friend on the one fucking day it matters, I don’t know why you even asked—"
“Levi stop!” Erwin shouted, his voice filling the entirety of my car. “You’re my best friend and I wouldn’t have anyone else next to me. The whole damn world can wait; I’m not going through with this until you’re here.”
“But Marie—”
“She’s fine with it,” Erwin interrupted again, tension tightening his tone once more.
I paused for a moment, noise from the streets blurring past my only companion of long seconds.
“What’s wrong, Erwin?”
“Nothing—”
“Do not bullshit me. You know better.”
Another long pause. A sigh.
“She—” Erwin’s breath shuddered. “Levi. I’m calling in one of the favors you owe me. Don’t question me today.”
“Er—”
“Don’t.” I went cold. Erwin was pleading with me. Erwin didn’t do shit like that. He was too proud.
“Okay.”
A relieved sigh this time.
“Thank you.”
That day did not go right for Erwin or me. He got himself a sham of a political marriage that was dissolved months later when his wife confessed to being in love with his childhood friend, Nile fucking Dok, and I got a heaping reinforcement that I was a hopeless fuckup.
It derailed me for a while. I stopped working on my thesis. I would have dropped out if it weren’t for Hanji and Mike. Erwin was too busy trying to make a marriage that had been a joke in the first place work. He really did love her. Fucking martyr loved her so much that he blessed Marie and Nile’s union with a smile on his face because it made her happy.
Relationships never ended well for me either.
“This isn’t working, Levi.”
Flagon’s arms were crossed defensively over his chest. His coffee cup sat untouched.
The dread that had been tightening my chest ever since Flagon called me the day before saying he wanted to talk about us finally sank deep into my gut. I had seen this coming.
It didn’t make it hurt any fucking less.
“I just can’t do this anymore!” Flagon leaned forward. I distantly noted he seemed rather passionate about the subject. “I hate having to wash myself anytime I—” he glanced around and lowered his voice. “Anytime I want a B.J.. I won’t even mention anything else.”
I remained silent. Flagon took that as a cue to keep talking. I wished he would stop.
“Look, you’re an amazing guy, Levi. You’re so skilled at so many things. I still admire you for all of that, but I’m just tired. I don’t want to keep fighting with you. Don’t you think it would be better if we went separate ways?”
Anger flared bright in my core at having that question turned on me, but I snuffed it out.
Opening myself up was a mistake.
It doesn’t hurt if you can’t feel.
“You’re right, Flagon.”
I stood up and left without another word, ignoring the half-hearted protests of my ex-boyfriend behind me.
They were all like that.
“I just want to kiss you!”
“Can’t you stop being a clean freak for five damn seconds?”
“Stop thinking about it.”
“You’re driving me crazy!”
“I thought I’d be okay with this, but I’m not. I’m sorry. I really like you. This is just too much for me.”
Petra was the first to break that mold. But she didn’t fit, either.
I looked down at the delicate hands clasped in my own. Long, thin, fingers. They fit perfectly between mine.
Petra sniffled. Neither one of us had said anything about breaking up. It didn’t matter. It was clear that’s what was happening. Something had been broken between us for a long time, and neither of us knew how to fix it. I loved her. I knew she loved me.
Sometimes love wasn’t enough.
I was beginning to wonder why I kept trying.
Love hurt like a bitch.
Petra tried to breathe deeply but stuttering gasps were the best she could manage. Another tear broke loose and trailed down her cheek. I reached over to wipe it away. She did the same for me. We both laughed.
“How fucking stupid are we for comforting one another over our own breakup?”
Petra snorted wetly and our laughter got away from us.
Petra gently withdrew her hands from mine and folded them in her lap.
“L-Levi.” Her fingers clenched in her lap, knuckles whitening. “We—We’ll still…” Her voice disappeared into whisper-softness, then reemerged. “You’ll be around, right?” She tried her best to smile. She looked like shit. Her cheeks were moist, eyeliner everywhere, cheeks red, nose beginning to run.
I couldn’t imagine my life without her.
“You bet your fucking ass.”
Petra laughed again, and this time it reached her eyes.
Then there was Eren.
“Levi. You’re drunk.”
Fuck yes I’m drunk, Shit-For-Brains.
“So?”
I closed my lips over a patch of skin. The faint taste of soap still clung to his skin. I pulled it between my lips to stifle the moan surging up my throat. He had no idea what knowing he was clean did for me. Eren shuddered and squirmed in my hold. I was just inebriated enough to slow down my thoughts and responses.
I blinked and was looking into the green of his eyes, color vibrant even in the darkness of the room. His lips parted. I moved without thought, the buzz in my veins turning all protesting voices into pleasant static. Eren’s lips were so soft tonight. Soft and warm. Fuck. Had kissing always been like this? Was it the alcohol? Was it Eren?
A small spike of fear flared. My response to this kid still took me off guard. The sensation passed quickly, however. Eren was trying so hard for me. The way he took my neuroticism in stride, never questioning or trying to change me—just accepting and adapting… For the first time in a very long time, an ember of hope was flickering to life.
That was the most frightening thing of all.
But I wasn’t in a state of mind to fucking contemplate that shit.
I pressed myself flush to Eren’s body and rolled my hips. Eren tried to speak, but I kept kissing him. I was not ready for this to be over. I wanted to ride this sensation. If I stopped, everything might fall apart.
But no matter how hard I tried not to hear him, I did. And though I was an asshole, I was not the kind of asshole who forced people into sex with me, no matter how badly I wanted it.
Anxiety spiked again. I met his eyes. His pupils were wide and molten. Still, conflict was written across his face. I waited. He looked away. My heart was sinking deeper with every beat.
“I… I can’t do this Levi.”
My heart wrenched in his grip. I gasped before I could shut down my reactions. I couldn’t feel my limbs. The quiet of the room was deafening. I couldn’t do this. Not him, too.
Not again.
“It’s not that I don’t want to. Believe me,” he pleaded, “it’s so incredibly difficult to turn you down like this.” He let out a pained sound and face-planted into my shoulder.
I remained still, trying to sort out my muddled thoughts. Feeling was slowly bleeding back down my limbs. Nothing made fucking sense.
“Then why are you?”
“You’re not in your right mind right now.” Oh. The relief was tangible. It wasn’t that he didn’t want me. What a shithead. I followed the impulse to trace my fingertips along his skin, skimming under his shirt sleeve and pressing the flat of my hand against his shoulder blade. “Stop being such a brat.” His skin was so smooth. I pressed my nose to his jaw, not tasting this time, just breathing him in. I sighed and tried to press in closer, only to be met with a hand against my chest.
“No.”
Now I was pissed.
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because you’re drunk.”
“So?” I snapped again. Why the fuck is he harping on this? I know I’m shitfaced.
“You can’t give consent when you’re drunk.”
My hands reflexively clenched into fists, but I released them. I was not about to punch my boyfriend. I wasn’t. I put the aggression into my words.
“What the fuck, Eren? You’re my fucking boyfriend. You don’t need my fucking consent. It’s not like I would ever press charges.”
Eren heaved a breath, which only served to piss me off more.
“Yes, Levi, I do. Whether you would press charges or not isn’t the issue. I won’t do it; end of story. So if you can’t control yourself, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
I gaped at him, disbelieving. This shit. Never before had anyone ever turned me down. It was always the other way around. I did not offer myself lightly. My body or my heart. He just pissed on my self-control—the thing I valued above everything else. He could go fuck himself.
“Fine.” I did not even bother to watch his reaction. I turned my back to him in a silent invitation to get the fuck out.
He did.
As soon as the door shut my muscles went limp. I rubbed my hands over my face. “Fuck.”
This wasn’t what I wanted.
What the fuck do you want, Levi?
I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. I didn’t know.
Or rather, I did know, and I didn’t want to think about. I gritted my teeth, seething.
You always do this. You always fuck it up.
Slowly, the buzz began to fade into bone-deep exhaustion. The old negative scripts stopped running through my head and were replaced with much more analytical and constructive ones. I realized it was my fault, but was able to put it in perspective. This didn’t have to be the beginning of the end. I had at least learned a little damn civility.
When I felt clear-headed enough to sit up without the world spinning, I dragged my ass out of bed and crept downstairs. I could see Eren shifting on the couch, clearly awake.
“Eren.” Eren bolted upright, then relaxed. I gave him a second to compose himself
“Hey.”
Now or never. I steeled myself. “Sorry.”
“What?”
This fucker… I rubbed my pounding forehead. It was hard enough to say the first time. “I said I fucked up, brat.” Eren just looked at me, wide-eyed. I couldn’t take it. “Look, I feel really shitty, where the fuck is your ibuprofen?” I wanted to punch myself. I knew exactly where they kept that shit. He knew it, too. He told me anyway. I didn’t move. Don’t pussy out now, Levi. “Will you…” Words stuck in my parched throat. I took a moment and tried again. “Will you come back to bed?”
He stretched his arm over the back of the couch, hand open in invitation. Everything inside me went warm. This. This was why I—why I cared for him. The moment we made contact the world shifted and locked back into alignment. The ground felt solid underneath my feet again. I could do this. We could do this.
“Are you sure?”
That feeling welled.
“Yeah, brat.”
I had felt like shit. I was pissed and mortified. I thought Eren would be angry in the morning. He wasn’t. We talked it out. He was still there, and that was more than I could say for most of his predecessors.
That ember of hope was terrifying but… Eren was worth living with that. Somehow, he was able to bring out sides of myself I thought were long dead.
“Choke on a dick, son of a bitch!”
Something nostalgic threaded through me, so reminiscent of the first time I found myself standing in front of the stupid fucking beautiful quick-tempered shit that was Eren Yeager.
As endearing as I found him, I was not about to let him get in a street brawl over a couple of dumbfucks who didn’t know how to keep their mouths shut. Twenty years ago—hell, even ten—I probably would have charged out there with him. Things had changed for me in recent years. I’d heard it all before. I knew letting my temper get the better of me wasn’t going to fix anything. It was more likely to get me arrested for assault. I was too old for that shit. As stupid as it felt to say, I had a reputation to uphold now.
I wasn’t about to let Eren make a reckless decision in the heat of the moment. I held him in place as he tried to give chase.
“Eren. Don’t. They aren’t fucking worth it.” I kept my voice controlled, and my grip tight. Eren didn’t turn, didn’t take his eyes away from Shitbag 1 and 2. As soon as they were out of sight he tore his arm from my grasp and started seething. I grabbed him again as he startled two ladies passing by and dragged him farther into the cover of the alley.
I had never seen him so enraged before. It stirred something in me. I saw him in me. More so than I ever had before. There was fire in his eyes. I wanted to protect that. Protect him. I wanted to teach him how to swallow that flame and refine it. He was young. I did not see it as the flaw he did. Initially it made me hesitate, but now it was hard to see why. I appreciated the way he saw the world. I liked who I was with him. He had so much to fucking offer and I got a front row seat to the show.
He was priceless to me.
But he could not see that.
And I was too fucking scared to tell him.
I did what I had always done best, and acted.
I kissed his trembling lips. Ran my fingers through his hair. Cupped his face. Rubbed his neck.
I looked into those pretty eyes that pulled me into their gravitational field on day one and left me floating in damn circles ever since.
“You ready to go home, brat?”
“Oh. Yeah, that would be good.”
I had an idea.
“Or… I could help you troubleshoot your car now, and then you could come with me back to my place? You could use one of my phone chargers. And if your car is still not working, then I’ll drop you off at work in the morning, if you don’t mind getting up a little early.”
Eren’s eyes turned glassy again.
My heart beat wildly against my ribcage, wanting him.
He smiled, and everything else faded from my consciousness. His watery green eyes and brilliant smile filled my world.
“I would love that.”
He began to change me.
“Levi.”
“Fuck, if you are going to make noises like that, at least let me get a cup of tea first.”
“No.”
I did not dare turn to him, or he would see my smile.
“Sorry, brat. No dice. You will have to do better than that if you want to keep me away from my morning tea.” I pulled myself together for one glance over my shoulder. He was too fucking cute—hair rumpled and bottom lip jutting out.
“Fuck you,” he pouted petulantly.
A devious smile curled my lips. “Not yet.”
But soon. I wasn’t quite ready yet, but I wanted it to be soon. Eren had been the most patient of any of my partners. I wanted the wait to be worth it for him. I wanted it to be perfect.
What fucking sentimental bullshit is this brat making me think?
I ran a hand through my hair, an image of his sleeping face flashing through my mind.
Maybe sentimental bullshit wasn’t that bad.
What astounded me the most was how much I fucking trusted him.
That was more or less unfounded, initially. I was only just getting to really know Eren, but for some reason I had, from very early on, been okay with letting him be in charge of washing the dishware and making me coffee without my direct supervision. I only ever let my very close friends do that, but he was, as he always was, an exception.
The exception.
“But you’re—Are you—What are you?”
Ah, so eloquent.
“Want to try again?”
“I, uh… I don’t actually know how you… identify.”
Oh.
That was… actually a decent question. I just liked what I liked—no one had asked me to define it before.
“Can’t say I have given it a name, actually.”
That clearly threw him off.
“How can you have never thought about it?”
I shrugged. “It is not like I never wrestled with the fact I did not fit into the cultural ‘norm,’ but whatever attracts me, attracts me. I never felt like I needed to label it.” I looked into his eyes. They were unusually dark in the red and pink lighting. My heartbeat stuttered. “I guess I’m pretty gay right now, though.”
That fucking cute smile of his appeared and he shyly scratched at the back of his head.
So fucking cute…
“You’ve dated on both ends of the spectrum, though, right?”
“Yeah. Gender, sex…” I thought about adding age, just for him, but quickly dismissed the consideration. It would be just like that shit to misinterpret me and think I was into some creepy shit. “Whatever. None of it matters. It’s the person.” My feet moved me toward him, but the unconscious action didn’t frighten me in that moment. It was the safest thing in the world. I didn’t fight myself as my fingers sought out his face, caressed the skin with the barest hint of stubble with a feather light touch. He raised his beautiful irises to me.
I let my eyes wander his face. Features that were so familiar to me now. Eren began leaning into me at a snail’s pace, as though if he moved in slowly enough I would not notice. His nose nudged mine, and he jerked back, clearly startled. Fuck no you don’t. I wrapped an arm around his waist quickly, not giving him room to withdraw. Fuck you, Eren. Fuck you for making me want you like this.
A pinprick of fear re-entered my system. I trusted this kid too much.
Fuck me for falling for you.
Every second I was falling deeper.
“It is pretty nice water.” The kid was so serious that if I did not know what he was saying, I would have thought his fucking dad had died. I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to say to that, so I leveled my best unimpressed stare. I saw his composure fracture slowly. His eyes shifted first. They lost their grave cast and came alive in the way I loved. Then his lips twitched. Not two seconds later, his whole face was transforming, blossoming into a grin that flipped my heart over every fucking time no matter how I tried to steel myself against it.
You do not have to.
I batted the thought away. Of course I could try to retrain myself to be more open to the brat—and I was—but some things took greater faith than I yet had in us. My belief that maybe this would work out was growing daily—otherwise I would not have arranged the hotel tonight—but some fears were still too deeply rooted in me to try to dig out just yet. It was going to hurt like a bitch when I did.
Eren’s laughter died down, finally, but he was not looking away. His eyes were softening, glittering with affection. Affection for me. I had wanted him to look at me like that for so fucking long. I slowly drew in a deep breath to ground myself from the upsurge of emotion. I was not going to become one of those mushy love-struck idiots. I would not. Eren was clearly enough of one for the both of us. I almost snorted thinking about it.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sairam coming. I let out a short sigh. Having food between us would make this easier. Give both of us something to focus on besides each other. As much as I was captivated by this shithead, having his full attention could be a little overwhelming. It was uncomfortable to always have eyes watching your every move. Even if they were friendly eyes.
The dinner drew on, full of all the romantic shit I had never even bothered to try before Eren.
Of course, I had to ruin it by chickening out of fucking him at the last damn minute. Chickened out of telling him I loved him, too.
I was fully prepared for him to react like all the others at that point.
Instead, he surprised me.
“I’m not fucking leaving you Levi, so stop trying to convince me to!” he roared. His hands clenched in a vice around mine. My jaw dropped. “I don’t care how fucking old you are or how many failed relationships you’ve had. I’m not them. Don’t count me out before you’ve really given me a chance. Don’t think so little of yourself! I hate seeing you berate yourself like this! I know you know you’re hot shit. Everyone knows it. Don’t fucking forget it.” He blew out a breath. His hands relaxed. His cheeks were flushed. His shoulder slumped. “Sorry,” he murmured.
Emotions twisted in my chest. A lump had formed in my throat. I shook my head and squeezed his hands briefly. Words failed me. Unquestioningly, this little shit had the nerve to spout such damn meaningful shit. This brat was fighting for me. Like I wasn’t hopelessly in love with him. Like I was worth something to him.
I swallowed against the tight muscles of my throat. Pushed the words past.
“What the fuck did I do to deserve you?” I breathed.
“You wisely waited to meet me until I was safely past legal?”
An odd mix of shame and amusement filled me at his dismissal of my honest feelings.
I punched his shoulder.
“I was being serious, you shit.”
“Levi.” His fingertips grazed my chin. “I’m serious, too. You keep citing your age at me and telling me that no one wants to deal with your shit. I’m here, aren’t I? And I’m honestly getting a little tired of having to tell you that you’re more than a body to fuck.” A slow burn pressed against the back of my eyes. I forced it down. “I know how much you’ve been through, Levi, but it’s really discouraging to have you keep pushing me back to an arm’s length away. It’s like being caught in conflicting currents. One minute you’re opening up about your past, and the next you’re trying to make me a part of it. I’m done with that. I want to be a part of your future.”
I stood, still as a statue, trying to absorb his words. They wouldn’t sink in. No one—no one—in 46 years had ever spoken to me like that. But this little fuck… Once again he was the exception. My exception. I was scared of how much I wanted to believe him. I was even more frightened by the fact that I did.
I put my faith in very few people. It was how I pulled myself out of the gutter—by only anchoring myself on those who were truly solid.
Now Eren was asking to be one of my rocks.
And I wanted him to be.
“Levi, I-I— “
I found my voice and spoke before I could lose it again. “Did you mean that, Eren?”
Eren’s eyes widened and his muscles stiffened, lips pressed in a thin line. After a breathless moment, he finally exhaled and squared his shoulders, resolved.
“Yes. I… really hope this… lasts.”
I breathed in, slowly. I let his gravity pull me in. I took his hand. I was not going to show him how much that fucked me up.
I looked up into golden-green pools. “Shitty Brat.” I tried to move my mouth. Tried to tell him how I felt. “Shower, then cuddle.”
His face melted into something soft and tender.
I don’t deserve him.
That night something clicked into place. It was the first time I really understood how he felt about me. The first time I couldn’t brush it off as something else.
Our relationship was not perfect. We fought. But we also got closer.
He made me feel shit I’d thought myself incapable of.
He made me feel secure.
“You definitely still have a fever,” Eren observed, looking at the thermometer.
I wanted to spit something snarky back at him, but simply did not have the energy for it. It was completely unnecessary to take my temperature so soon after the last time, but again, I did not have the energy to combat Eren’s stubbornness when he made up his mind that he needed to check it one more time.
“It’s down a degree from earlier, though. I’m going to get you a couple more pills, hold on.”
I wheezed pathetically through my snuffed nose. It had been a long time since I’d felt this crappy. Even with my paranoid ways, it was impossible to avoid sickness eternally. I did not even mind it that much when it happened. It was more of the abstract concept of uncleanliness that drove me to extremes rather than fear of being ill. Still, being sick was fucking shit.
It made me worry for Eren’s health, too.
“Here,” Eren placed a tissue with two orange pills and a glass of water next to my bedside, then bent over to kiss my sweaty forehead. I tried to roll away, but he refused to be deterred. He quickly deposited his kiss and straightened, smoothing my stringy bangs from my face.
“You’re going to get sick,” I rasped once more. “Leave.”
Eren chuckled, continuing to pet me. “You won’t get me sick,” he proclaimed confidently. His smile instantly turned into a frown. “I’d worry too much about you on your own.”
“Survived this long,” I muttered.
His gentle smile returned. “I know. Indulge me?”
I huffed. Like he was giving me a choice.
Still, there was a part of me that craved this. Had always wanted this. That was grateful he didn’t leave. I had taken care of myself for as long as I could remember. To have someone else give a damn… Well, it was… nice.
Really fucking nice.
I fell asleep to soft humming and gentle touches.
Though it was one of the worst colds I’d had, I’d never felt better.
What started out as a crush I could not shake turned into a feeling so strong and deep I doubted I would recover if I lost him.
That should have frightened me. But by the time I accepted those feelings, it didn’t. It couldn’t. Eren was just as scared of losing me as I was of losing him.
I wanted to let myself go for him.
I had never willingly shown my underbelly with ease. Survival was too deeply ingrained in my bones. But I found myself wanting to be vulnerable with Eren. To offer that to him in gratitude for accepting me so completely. I wanted to do the same for him. Offer it in the most tactile way possible.
The first time we had sex was special, but it wasn’t the first that was most meaningful.
Not for me.
That came later.
“I want you to fuck me.”
Eren’s eyes were as wide as saucers. His mouth opened and closed but he produced no words.
We were tangled together on my bed, down to just our boxers. Butterflies swarmed in my gut. I had been gearing myself up to ask for this for weeks. Eren had just indulged me in letting me wash him—thoroughly and sensually—and I was ready.
It was just… really fucking frightening.
Not the thing itself, but what it meant to me. I had only ever done this once, with my first boyfriend in high school. I had hated it. I had no control. Everything had been foreign and intense and invasive. Like more than my body was exposed. It had taken me a long time to even try to have sex again.
Freely letting go of my control—leaving myself completely defenseless and open, letting someone in—was not something I did. Not even with those closest to me. I desired that closeness with Eren, though. I needed him to know that. I couldn’t say it—I didn’t know how. But I could show him.
“L-Levi… What are you? Are y-you sure?” His voice was shaking apart, but his cock was stiff and giving gentle little nudges against my inner thigh every so often.
“Don’t make me ask twice, brat.” My words were gruffer than I meant them, but Eren took it in stride.
He didn’t ask again. He prepared me with excruciating gentleness—nothing at all like the wild and out-of-control thing my first time had been.
“Ah, fuck.”
Eren jolted and pulled back.
“Are you okay?”
“Y-Yeah.” I cursed at myself for allowing the stutter in my voice. Then remembered this was what I wanted. To show him my weaknesses. To let him in.
The head slipped past and the burn eased, a feeling I could almost call nice replacing it. He got all the way in. Pulled back. Thrust again. I groaned a little, more in discomfort than pleasure.
Then I looked at Eren’s face.
Green eyes hooded and red painting his cheeks. His lips barely parted with each thrust in as pleasure consumed him. I wanted to make him make that face every day.
Affection tightened my chest to the point of pain; the most pleasurable kind of ache.
My body began melting into him, meeting him, blunt glances to my prostate giving little zaps of gratification. It had never been particularly sensitive, but the sex was good.
I’d never quite felt this way before.
It was this kid. The incredible man over me, and the emotions he was pulling out of me.
Sex had never felt so intimate. I thought I knew the intimacy of making love, but I was wrong, so wrong. The heat and adoration in Eren’s eyes, the slightly pinched brows caused by his almost comical focus on pleasing me…
I thought my feelings for the kid were as strong as they could get, but I was fucking wrong. My chest was swelling with something that only seemed to be growing every second.
I love you.
The words broke free from the cage I had tried to keep them locked up in, away from my consciousness. Now that they were out, they resounded in my mind, as forceful and destructive as the waves of a tsunami crashing on the shore.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
The words became a never ending mantra in my head as Eren fucked me, deep and steady. My hands twitched and clutched at Eren’s shoulders, arms, and hair. I could not leave them to one purchase for long, as they seemed to a have a life of their own—a restlessness that could not be forced into stillness in the face of ecstasy.
In all of my years of sex and lovers, no one had ever made me feel so blissfully powerless. I was completely at the mercy of sharp thrusts, gentle hands, and green eyes.
“I—ah!” A cry was torn from my throat as a greater lick of pleasure shot up my spine, and I was surprisingly grateful that I had been reduced to a state where I could not even form a sentence properly. I had been about to utter something I was still not ready to say, was too afraid to let Eren hear.
I love you.
I cried out the words in my head, but kept them sealed behind my lips, closing my eyes as Eren slowly grinded against the place that provided the most pleasure. I gasped. “Eren…” His name was dragged from my throat in a lengthy and sweet groan.
Eren pressed forward without warning, effectively bending me in half in order to meet my lips. Though it was likely just my sex-addled brain convincing me of this, I could swear that it was the most tender press of lips we’d ever exchanged. Loving.
I could not get that word in all its forms off my mind. Love, loving, lovable, loved, lovely… Not loveless. Loveless was possibly the worst descriptor possible for this exchange because everything here was affection. It was warmth. It was passion.
It was Eren.
He pulled away from my lips, though it seemed like he did so with great difficulty, opting instead to press our sweaty foreheads together. That should have been gross, but it wasn’t. Nothing was dirty right now. Everything was pure.
“I’m… getting close,” he gasped.
I didn’t say anything in response. I had no words. I honestly had no clue if I was close or not. My focus had gone entirely to the eyes dancing with love. I did not know for sure if Eren loved me, but all I could see, all I could feel was love. My senses were completely overtaken by it.
Time slowed down. I saw the rapid expansion of his pupils, felt his breath gasp and catch, his muscles locking, lips parting, and he came.
Instinct took my body over and I gathered him in my arms as he cried out, feeling his pleasure as my own. Licks of fear lapped at the edges of the experience—I had never felt so close to anyone in my entire life. I had never let them this close. Never wanted them this close.
But this was everything I wanted.
Eren gifted me with a tired, perfect smile, one hand cupping my face as he looked into my eyes, gaze filled with adoration.
For the life of me, I couldn’t remember why I had not done this sooner.
I never wanted to spend a day without him.
“Did I ever tell you why I was fired from my last job?”
“No.”
Eren was quiet for a second.
“Do you want to know?”
I looked up from the manuscript I had been reading, giving it some thought.
“No.”
I began reading again.
“You… don’t?”
I plucked my glasses from the bridge of my nose. “If you want to tell me, I’ll listen,” I offered. “But you don’t have to explain shit to me.”
A faint smile passed over his face. “I punched a guy at work.”
I raised one eyebrow at that. If I was honest with myself, I was not that surprised.
“I was also a little drunk.”
That did surprise me.
“He insulted my mother.”
I opened my mouth to respond to that. Thought better of it.
“It’s okay,” he sighed. “I know it was stupid. People say shit like that all the time. But I was drunk and heartbroken. My tolerance level was at an ultimate low.”
My brain snagged on one word. “Heartbroken?”
Eren came to sit by me, snuggling into my side. He blew on the mug of tea clasped between his hands. He hummed. “Yeah, I was pretty fucked up for a while after Jean broke up with me.”
I frowned. I remembered the months after they had broken up. Eren had grown thinner, and looked chronically tired, but apparently I had missed how bad off he really was.
“I didn’t realize,” I admitted.
Eren took a sip of his drink. “I hid it pretty well. Up until I punched that guy.”
He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. I tensed up in anticipation. He chuckled and withdrew, eyes devious.
“Little shit,” I muttered.
“I think you like it,” he claimed.
No, I like you. I love you. Stay with me.
He playfully bit his lip and gave me a once-over that immediately piqued my interest.
I was going to ask him later, but I could not wait any longer.
I still was not ready to say those words to him yet, but I could say something else. Something that, to me, was just as meaningful.
“Move in with me?”
Every so often I would think about turning our story into a novel. I still wrote, on occasion. Spend enough years buried in manuscripts, and everything eventually turns into a book, even your own life.
Then I’d laugh to myself.
Like anyone would read that shit.
Besides, unlike a book, a person’s story doesn’t neatly conclude at some moment of life. It keeps going.
Eren and I would keep going.
Lots of things had gone wrong for me.
By the time I met Eren, I was pretty certain I would spend my life alone, and was just fucking fine with that.
But occasionally, sometimes, things went right.
I would make sure this one didn’t slip away.
I’m going to ask that shit to marry me one day.