Work Text:
November 1987
All he could do was stand there, stand there as he watched the love of his life disappear before his very eyes, she had brought him into the void to say goodbye, this was final, she was gone, he would never be able to look into those beautiful chocolate doe eyes, the taste of her lips, he would never be able to hear her voice again, all he could do was scream her name.
And he screamed, screamed until his voice was strained, all he could do was cry, his eyes sting with tears, he could no longer hear anything, he could no longer see anything.
Nancy tried, she tried so hard to stop him, to move him but all he wanted to do was stay there, to stay and watch the public library which bore the scars of the blast, he couldn't take his eyes off of it, no matter what.
He was taken, he was taken and he didn't know who but he couldn't hear there voices, he drowned in the silence of his mind as he tracked the final moments in his head, he watched as the love of his life die in front of his very eyes, he was so sure that they were going to be safe and go off and live by three waterfalls.
But now, it was no longer.
He is empty, nothing but the shell of a human, he does not eat, he barely sleeps.
His friends and family try desperately to get to try act somewhat human, but it doesn't happen.
Mike does not talk for the entire rest of the month, he then doesn't even recognise it is Christmas, opting to stay in bed. "What's the point, the only person I want to spend it with is dead." He thinks to himself.
There is nothing but sadness within him and the voices telling him he is a failure and a coward.
He spends his days staring at the ceiling.
January 1988
Mike genuinely smiles and exhales a small laugh for the first time since her death, he didn't know why it came out and his friends all looked at him shocked like he just spat in their faces, he didn't understand why they looked at him.
They should have known that it would be the last they hear a genuine laugh for a little while, he does not laugh again after that, everyone just didn't get it, so down in his own grief, it was like he had been torn apart, a part of him died that day and it'll be a hole that never closes.
At night he never slept, you could hear the whimpering of his cries echoing on the walls, his face has become more gaunt, his face being red was a common sight.
His friends try to take him out the house but he ignores them, he ignores them coming through the walkie-talkie turning it off when he was annoyed, he kept pushing them away, not wanting them to talk to him, he just wanted to be left alone, to his own thoughts.
That month he pierced the skin of his arm with a knife to feel something, it felt good to Mike, it was something through the numbness he so often felt, it was something he did not regret doing, he watched the wound while it bled before wrapping it in a bandage, leaving the knife on top of the medicine cabinet, he doesn't think about it for several days, no one even noticed the bandage, he would do it again several times over the next few months, no one would notice.
November 1988
The one year anniversary, he knew it was coming up, knew it was over his own birthday in April which he had almost completely missed after he decided to go on his bike and cycle into the woods, he wasn't found until the afternoon thirsty and asleep against a tree.
He talked sure, but it was like he was a child, speaking half sentences, he became disruptive like he was the first time El went missing, but somehow he felt this was different, the one year anniversary was always going to be in his mind when 353 days passed he was so wanting El to come through the door but she never did which caused him kick the table that they used to play Dungeons & Dragons so many times he ended up denting the leg of it, he cried for that whole day and he like he did in January pierced his skin to feel something, he or well the voices made it feel like El had done it, which he knew was horrible but that is what the grief felt like, he knew that she did it for the greater good but what greater good was there if he didn't get to go with her.
When the one year anniversary came it hit him like a tonne of bricks, nothing could describe the physical torture his body felt trying to get out of bed, his body not wanting to move, every part of him ached with every movement, the voices were especially loud, the voices telling him it was all his fault, telling him to give up, telling him that Holly was taken because of him and that El died because he was too stupid to think of an actual plan, the voices telling him that Max suffering was his fault, Will's suffering was his fault, El's dead because he built that bomb.
…the bomb…it was something he hadn't even thought about but he knew it was true, he was a part of it, he killed her or at least played a part in her death, thinking about it dug the knife deep into his skin that day.
"How can you be so stupid Michael?"
"She never loved you, she's gone to get away from you."
"That bomb is the reason you are here, why didn't you go with it?
"If you had thought for one second, she'd be here Michael."
"You didn't see how depressed she was, now you know how it feels."
The noises kept swirling around his head.
Everyone was around and he could feel the silent judgement.
He barely spoke for he was worried of saying the wrong thing, he was worried for what he could do, he kept to himself shrunken in the basement under the fort.
"You're 17 and sat in this stupid fort, grow up."
"You better get your ass up and stop being sorry for yourself."
He tried to stop the voices and he wanted to scream until his voice was raw.
The party tried speaking to him but he ignored them, they tried shaking him and getting him to open but he was not a fizzy drink that could spout at any moment.
June 1989
June 7th 1989 was the date of his first attempt, he didn't die, he didn't know how he intended to go but that day he went into the woods and climbed a tree before being jittery and not jumping off the tree branch, he was found by Nancy, Dustin, Lucas and Max who all took him home, he didn't talk about what he attempted to do, but they had known what he was trying to do.
They kept their eyes on him, he felt like a kid again and not 18, he just wanted to join El, wherever she was, she didn't take him with her and he'd rather be with her than not.
They all tried to talk to him but to him they were nothing more than buzzing sounds as his brain made the noises in his head louder, wanting to drown out all pain and sorrow.
Over that month he was barely left alone, other than to sleep, one night he slipped into the bathroom and just looked at himself and the medicine cabinet "that would be a pathetic way to go Michael" the voice told him, he opened it and looked at the medicines before then hearing a knock at the bathroom before closing the cabinet and moving on pretending to actually go to the toilet.
He kept thinking that was the way even if the voices told him not too.
But the next day, the pills were gone having been moved, clearly Nancy noticed and removed them. "Great Michael, that's one way gone." The voice spoke brashly.
October 1989
He truly has not gotten better, still a shell of a man, he's gone to college sure but was he really ready for it? No. When he got there, it was like he was free for the first time but he was scared.
He started to go into the woods around campus and scream, he would wake up realising he had been scratching himself, his roommates looked at him concerned but not one thought to speak to him about it, it it was as if the world was mocking him to be surrounded by people who did not understand, his roommates especially wouldn't understand, people at home didn't "what do they know?" He would think to himself.
He did not see the point to living without El, she hasn't given him a sign, she had said she would always be with him, but she just isn't, the photo isn't enough, he needed her laugh, her smile, he needs the feeling he feels when she's alive, when she's around because now he is pathetic.
The therapist he was forced to see keeps telling him to write, but he didn't understand why, writing wasn't going to bring El back.
"Keeping her memory alive…yeah right."
The voices start but he stops the voices from talking when the music of his radio starts to play at a higher level than usual he drove that car for hours before switching to Purple Rain by Prince & The Revolution, he just stared into the distance as he continued to drive, tears streaming down his face.
"This is the song, you know. The song you chose."
"Why this one Michael?"
"SHUT UP" Mike shouts "JUST SHUT UP"
He brings the car to a stop putting his head to the steering wheel before sobbing throughout the entire song, he couldn't bare it anymore, the agony in his mind as his eyes become more and more wet, his cheeks stained as his face turned more red.
"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAVE EL"
He shouts, tears choking the cry, knowing he would get no answer before continuing to stay in the same position shaking his head.
The next song was Never Surrender by Corey Hart which caused him to slam his hands on the steering wheel, he wanted to just be swallowed up whole, all the memories swirling around his head like tinnitus.
April 7th 1990
He was home for Easter break, but he couldn't celebrate his birthday too much swirling in his mind as his family and friends tried to get him to celebrate it, he was at least able to get out of bed, which was improvement, he had gotten somewhat better, they thought he was improving, he was talkative, he was able to function.
Everything was improving and they could trust him, at least that's what they thought, they couldn't see into his head but he was actually partaking in celebrating his birthday.
They thought that maybe he was going to get better, that he was going to see the other side and be able to have a successful life.
They were proud of him.
If only he knew that.
He slipped away from the celebration going up to his room, continuing to write the letters he had been writing for months, each of them carefully written talking about his relationship and feelings with that person.
He left them on his desk before going back to the landing staying at the top of the stairs, he took a look around, to the photos on the walls, to all the memories that had filled this house at one point in time.
He took a deep breath before creeping down the stairs looking to the people in the living room, they all looked happy, happy to be with each other, they were at least happier than him.
No one saw him before he left the house, slipping into the night taking his bike off into the distance not stopping, never stopping.
It took only a few hours before anyone figured out something was wrong, Max unexpectedly was first to notice that Mike had not come back.
Nancy heard her as she looked at Max who looked back, they both shared a knowing glance.
The party and Nancy all ran up Mike's room, Nancy threw open that door without knocking, knocking for Mike was always a no go.
It was tidy, like it was untouched, the only sign of any life were the two pens next to the stack of letters that sat on his desk.
There was nothing else abnormal, he had taken his favourite shoes, the photo of El that sat on his desk was gone, those were the only things missing out of the whole room.
Each person's eyes dilated, no one spoke as they all looked at each other, some people had their eyebrows pulled together, Max was physically shaking.
They went off in search for Mike.
December 1987
It was one month since Eleven left Hawkins, Dr Owens helped her take refugee status in Canada for a while before they can tell if she was safe to go elsewhere because she still was too close to Indiana.
She couldn't believe still that she had done it, she told Mike goodbye but she wasn't able to say goodbye to anyone else, she simply could not say goodbye to anyone, even if she could have brought them all to the void.
Throughout the entire month she did not smile, what was the point? She had to run away from the people she loves and now lives in a shabby cabin in rural Ontario, she has barely left the cabin and did not use her powers, she simply just didn't, she didn't want to know the pain that she fully knows she's caused.
She hasn't been able to think about Mike…about Hopper…about Max, about anyone from home, she thought of Kali, she thought of her mom, they were the only two that she could force herself to think about, Kali was dead and her mom was still a vegetable, she knew that her mom could be taken at any point but considering she has not been taken for all of her life, it would be perhaps unlikely.
She looked at herself in the mirror and all she could see was a girl who barely ate, her hair slightly shaggy, she didn't look like she did in '85, there wasn't anything wrong with her body, but she wished she didn't have to look the way she did, she remembered when she saw her mom and realised how similar they looked, they look very similar except her mom's hair was a lot lighter of a brown than hers. She knew her dad was named Andrew but she never saw a photo of him, she could have been a mirror image of him and she just didn't know, she cried thinking about the father she never got to meet, who died before she was born.
She was thankful to Dr Owens, truly but she wished she could turn back time.
Heck…she wished she wasn't born.
She knew that she wasn't a monster, she knew that she was a person, she knew she deserved a life but that did not stop the sadness that was brewing in her head.
The radio changed to a new station, it must have been sadness hour as many songs deep in the melancholy brought her to tears.
With or Without You by U2
Still Loving You by Scorpions
The Flame by Cheap Trick
Forever Young by Alphaville
(I Just) Died In Your Arms by Cutting Crew
Many more still followed.
And then…that song…
Purple Rain by Prince & The Revolution.
The song that she went out with, she didn't understand the sadness of every song, but she felt it.
But once Purple Rain she slammed her hand down on the dresser which was next to her bed, it was as if the universe was playing a cruel joke on her as she continues to breathe heavily, sliding down the slide of it.
She thought of them all for the first time since she left…
Hopper…
Max…
Lucas…
Dustin…
Will…
Mike…
Everyone…
She needed to be held but she had no one, no one could hold her as she folded into herself, she never saw the faces of the people as they saw her "die" due to the Upside Down collapsing.
She's felt small before, like the whole world was bearing down on her with its teeth, this was no different as she cried for hours, she had been holding herself too much in the last month.
All of them, she needed all of them, she would never be able to see them again and it hurt, hurt so much, her heart could not physically take it.
April 1988
It was Mike's birthday and it was all that El had thought about, still living in that shack of a cabin that Dr Owens found her, she was able to make a cake though the equipment she used weren't exactly cake making tools, she had went out to town and bought a candle and blew it out before eating the cake.
She whispered "Happy birthday Mike" into the air as she ate, she couldn't bear thinking about him celebrating, was he? Was he happy? She didn't know, she had yet looked into the void, that day she decided to break her own rule and looked into the void, staying far away from Mike to avoid him sensing her, she could see him in bed, shivering clearly from tears, she didn't get closer but she could tell he was skinnier, he wasn't taking care of him, she wanted to yell his name but she didn't instead trying to stop her own tears running down her face as she left the void promptly after, it was only a few seconds in the void but it felt like forever as she had stared at the boy she loved, who she hadn't seen since November.
The rest of that month she continued to go into town and at least try to function, that's all she could do.
There was a nice French Canadian boy Laurent that she could talk to but he could never understand, on Mike's birthday Laurent had come over to talk to her but all he ended up doing was sitting with her while she cried.
"Bonjour Eleanor, ça va? Tu as l'air triste et fatigué."
"Bonjour Laurent, oui, je suis fatiguée."
"Êtes-tu sûr que c'est juste de la fatigue? Est-ce qu'aujourd'hui est un mauvais jour pour moi d'être ici?"
"Non, c'est bien."
El had been trying to learn a little bit of french, it wasn't much and she wasn't very good at it, some days better than others, Laurent was a year older than her to the day, Laurent had raucously laughed when he found that out, from that day they slowly became friends.
That day she explained it to him, explained why she was sad, Laurent held her as she cried, he hoped for her sake that she and Mike could be reunited somehow, someday.
November 1988
It had been a year since she left, still living in Canada, though the cabin has actually gotten a little bit bigger, Laurent's family had paid for workers to make it look nicer, she lived in that cabin all alone, except for when Laurent came to visit, he sometimes stayed on the couch if she wasn't doing great.
That day, all the memories of the events came to her, saying goodbye to Kali and Mike…, she had tried not to think about him, thinking about Mike was too hard, she missed the boy she loved most, more than anything in the entire world, she left and said goodbye because she had to protect him but she wished there was a universe that he could have come with her.
There was nothing more she wanted than to hear his beautiful voice, to look into those beautiful dark eyes, graze over his beautiful face, holding his hand, his hand fitting hers so perfectly.
She missed the way she felt stronger when he was around, when she went to California all she wanted was Mike, it had been why she had that trinket box, she managed to get a couple of photos of Mike sourced by Dr Owens, they sit by her bed and she would stare at them hoping that maybe they'd come to life.
She just wanted Mike, she wanted to feel the love that only Michael Samuel Wheeler could give, he was the boy that had given her so much yet she didn't give him anything, just heartache, she felt she betrayed him, that she never was strong enough and that she was a coward.
The others she could think about, but she wished it was all so different, she wished she could have gotten Max out of her coma sooner, she wished she could say thank you and just loved Max more, she never got the chance and her heart had ached over the thought of not saying goodbye to a special girl.
Hopper, one year ago she had told him that she was not Sara, she had known that was a punch to the gut for him, she deeply regretted her actions, she wished she could tell him she was sorry, that she was a good father. She wished that he could have had a daughter that was not a coward, who didn't have powers, she wished that it was not her in Hopper's life and that she never was.
It was one year since she made that decision, did she regret it? Yes and no, she did not regret needing to run but she regretted how she did it.
She wished she could turn back time, if she ever found a way, she would.
But she could not, sat there on her couch crying for hours, her cries echoed through the cabin, the wind was howling banging on the windows, all she could hear was the wind, she didn't hear Laurent knocking on the door, he had tried knocking on the window "ELEANOR" he shouts, "ELEANOR", "ELEANOR ARE YOU OKAY." But she did not hear, he had been unknowingly shouting El, which she had heard Mike shout, she was running the opposite direction to him when she pulled him into the void, she heard his scream for her, it was almost good that fate didn't let her have to hear that again.
She didn't dare go into the void, she did not want to know what she'd find, it would be a step too far, even though she had done it before, she didn't want to do it again, even when the string in her heart pulled at her to do so, she stayed put for the whole day, she felt like she was drowning and no one was there to save her, she couldn't breathe, her nose was runny. She exhausted all the tears that she could, she wouldn't talk about it to anyone, even if Laurent days later pestered her about it, he knew better than to question her, he cared a lot about her even if she never told him about her past.
September 1989
Dr Owens had managed to get her a scholarship to the University of Ottawa, she had selected teaching and had managed to get accepted as she managed to get an entrance exam and was able to pass, it was a new thing for her, the idea of university, she remembered four years prior on the phone with Mike, he talked about college, how he dreamed of going to college and doing something creative, she never thought she would get into it, especially then and even now.
It was today on her first day of university did she decide to finally go into the void, she psyched herself up a bit, the nervousness all too consuming, nervous about what she might find, the first time she went into the void, she had seen Mike shivering with tears and she didn't want to see that, she would visit him but only for a tiny period, she wanted to see everyone else, the simple idea made her heart race, breathing faster, she could hear her blood rushing as she turned the TV to static and wrapping the blindfold around her head.
She saw Max, she was strong, she got close to the redhead as she looked at the girl who was sat on the edge of a bed that El did not recognise probably her college bedroom but she didn't know, Lucas then appears from the shadows of where the door would be in the real world, they're speaking softly, she feels a pang in her heart as she stared at her friends or well who used to be her friends, would they still consider her that, she didn't know. Lucas had become more handsome in the nearly two years since she last saw him, not to say he wasn't already, El wasn't attracted to him but she could admit he was handsome, the way he talked to Max made her smile, Max and Lucas to El were always going to be together no matter what. When they disappeared from view El thought to herself "okay, that wasn't as bad as I thought."
She saw Will painting, her breath hitched as she realised the painting was of her, she was holding flowers in a sunflower field, wearing her favourite tartan dress, to the untrained eye she'd just look like some farmer girl but the painting was so beautiful, in the corner of the painting it said. "Dedicated to the girl who should be my sister, I love you El." El put her hand on her heart and smiled widely, a boy comes into the room, a boy she doesn't recognise but the boy comes and puts his arm around Will kissing his cheek and they're both looking at the painting. "This should belong in a gallery, such a beautiful painting of a beautiful girl", "thanks babe" Wll had replied.
She saw Dustin playing video games, not surprising but she was surprised she didn't find him studying, she didn't spend too long with Dustin, he was a friend but they never got to have a deeper friendship like she did with Max and Lucas, she didn't get to spend a lot of time with Dustin like she did with Will but something still hurt in her heart that he was doing okay, she hoped that he remembers her, she smiled when he did a small pump of the fist.
Soon she decided to see Hopper, the one other than Mike she didn't want to go see, she wished she could tell Hopper that she was going to university but she knew she wouldn't be able to, when Hopper came into view all she could see was him leaning against the post of his back porch of his home, it was raining clearly as Hopper takes a look around "it is really coming down" Hopper said to himself not knowing his daughter could hear him, she was able to go into the house, soon she came into the kitchen and found Joyce cooking, she wished she could smell it, Mike had always said that Joyce's food smelled so good, "made with love" he once said, it made her think of her mom, how she never got to have one, she wished she could taste Joyce's cooking but she's never gotten the chance and she never will.
Last but not least…Mike, she wanted this to be the last time she saw Mike in the void, she just prayed that the man was asleep. To her surprise, he was, she wandered closer, not too close as to not have him sense her, she looked at him "so pretty", the words spill out of her mouth as she puts her hand up to stop herself speaking, she couldn't deny that he was pretty, he was, he was most gorgeous man on the planet, anyone in the world could see how beautiful he is. She stayed there for a second, how she wished she could just touch his face but she knew she shouldn't, Mike looked so peaceful sleeping, she hoped he was okay, that was all she could ask for, because she wasn't, the regret setting in before she decides to leave the void, she breathed in and out a few times to try come down from the emotional high.
December 1990
Nearly New Year's, another year spent in Canada, she was still working hard at the university, she was now much more confident in herself but the emotional slump was still real, she would have good periods and bad periods.
Throughout 1990 she would have stretches of not eating much at all, she took longer between having baths or a shower, there was stress of university life and the overwhelming weight that she could be found by Dr Kay and her goons at any point, that she could be taken back to that lab, she would freak out when she saw a black van, she still checked everywhere she could for anything out of the ordinary but there never was which caused her paranoia to spike, there were times of it being too quiet, Dr Owens said it was fine but she never believed him, she felt something in April, she had written it in her journal, she didn't know what it was, but it stressed her out.
Sunday April 8th 1990
Today I felt like someone had taken a chunk out of my heart, like the weight of the world drew that piece out of me, I couldn't breathe.
I started hyperventilating and Laurent was there to try bring me back down but I couldn't, I couldn't get back down, I kept feeling like I was going to throw up, I didn't but I felt like it.
I woke up like this first thing in the morning, I felt disoriented and felt like I didn't know where I was.
Laurent was on the couch when I had started to have the attack, he had come into my house after getting some eggs for me, he had my spare key, why he has it I don't know but I trust him enough and he hasn't broken my trust. Anyway, Laurent had ran into my bedroom when he heard my breathing cutting in and out, he tried to comfort me, he truly did, I felt bad.
I started worrying about why I felt that way, he tried to help me think through it but I couldn't, there was nothing, I couldn't understand why, he couldn't.
Writing this now in the evening, I just had a bath, I mainly stared at the tattoo still on my arm, I wish I could tear it off my arm, if only I was able to do it but I can't.
Life is a cruel thing.
Christmas was hard, it had been hard ever since she left, it was her fourth Christmas in Canada but she had still been wishing that she could be with her friends, she was lucky that some of the people here had been with her but they're not the people from home, they at least kept her company and she truly loved that they did so.
On Christmas Day, Dr Owens had brought her some stuff from home, some things that Hopper had stored but he had forgotten about but Owens knew were important to El, she may be 19 but the teddy bear was her favourite, it was the bear that Mike had wanted her to have and had given to her from the cupboard back before she moved to California. She had asked about what happened in April but he told her not to worry about it, that nothing had happened, she didn't believe him but she didn't push. She held the bear close to her when she went to sleep that night.
Now it was New Year's Eve, she had survived another year, a year that she would never have expected to live, Laurent decided he wanted to confess his romantic feelings for El but El let him down gently, she didn't see him that way, she didn't think she'd see any man in any way like she did Mike.
"Désolé Laurent, Je suis à Mike, Mike est à moi" she had thought for a moment. "Forever, I don't feel anything for you, I'm sorry, I love you as a friend, you deserve someone who will give you what you need" she smiled "Ce n'est pas moi."
"What if you never see him again?"
"Then I'll die knowing no one has touch my lips or held me like he did and I'm that happy with that."
"And if he found someone else?"
"So be it" she smiled. "He'd be entitled to, even if it breaks my heart, the idea that he could or has found someone else, but I don't care" she pauses "Il est tout ce que j'ai toujours désiré et tout ce que je désirerai toujours."
"Fair enough, il t'a rendu heureux, c'est tout ce que je veux. Que tu sois heureux. I understand." Laurent smiles.
They hugged, El had hugged him tightly, it was true that she loved him as a friend, she could never feel anything for anyone else, it just would never happen.
June 1991
She was 20 now, she never thought she'd live to see this birthday, she decided to be bold for her birthday, leaving Canada for the first time since November 1987, she's been in the country for nearly four years.
Dr Owens expressed it would be safe for her to do, she'd be safe but if she needed help at any point he was one call away, she knew that he didn't need to say it but was glad he did.
He had helped her book flights out of the country deciding to choose Italy as her destination of choice, nice weather and the chance to explore somewhere else, a place that was different from America or Canada - especially Canada, while she loved the country, she needed some place different - and it felt like this was the best place for it. Dr Owens helped her plan what she could do when she went out there, visit tourist attractions but also advised her to avoid tourist traps explaining them very carefully to her, she managed to figure it out but she knew that he was dead serious.
She wanted to go the Casacate del Serio waterfalls, they were about 62 miles out of Milan but she really wanted to go, she and Mike wanted to see waterfalls, it was something they talked about several times, she knew she was going without Mike but in a way it helped, it helped the grief of not being able to see people even if she wished she had Mike by her side.
She went all over Italy for an entire month, lapping up the sunshine and also the culture of Italy, it was everything she wanted, she was safe and knew she was thanks to Owens but there was something different about the trip, she felt a new sense of freedom she never thought she'd get to experience, going home to Canada was actually a day she dreaded rather than what she initially suspected she'd be looking forward to, she legitimately did not want to leave, she made up for the food that she did not eat in 1990, she saw so many attractions, met so many people who were kind and helped her along the way, the waterfalls were though for her the best part, it may have just been waterfalls but it was something, it did something in her heart and she was proud of it.
Even if her mental health changes and she goes back to being depressed, this was something that she could attach happiness to, it was an advantage, she felt slightly looser, it may have been one of the most important things she's got to experience in her life.
She wished throughout the trip that Mike was with her, sometimes wishing she'd could go into the void and tell him to come with her, she wished she could have made this happy memory with him.
March 1995
The Cold War had ended a long while ago, Dr Owens expressing to her that she'd be safe, she had been back and forth about whether she wanted to do this, whether she wanted to go and tell them that she was alive, to let them know in anyway.
She had asked Dr Owens how she could do it.
"Well, I can get them all to go to a location in Hawkins for you?"
"Too suspicious." The words sharp like teeth.
"But…"
"No" she cuts in.
"You didn't let me finish, we could find a way to make sure they're still in the same location."
"Maybe you can indirectly do that, maybe you can just tell me what's happening."
"Getting them all to be in Hawkins will be the toughest part."
Pausing for moment and scratching his head, Dr Owens' face relaxes and looks to have had a eureka moment. "What if Eleven we send them a postcard telling them to be there at a specific date and time."
"No, but I like the charm of the idea, I think it'll just have to be natural, maybe you can do some digging, find out if they're going back to Hawkins anytime soon."
"Well…I can definitely do that."
April 1995
This was it, El was going to Hawkins, Indiana.
According to Dr Owens they were all meeting for something, he just didn't say what but he knew they were all going to be in Hawkins.
There was a voice in her head telling her that this was to do with the feeling she felt five years ago, she got scared that it was, her breathing had become a little bit faster but she knew she could calm herself down as she took deeper breaths, she tried to tell herself it was okay and that it was stupid, nothing was wrong, friends meet up all the time.
Owens was reassuring, he always was, she didn't tell Laurent she was going on this trip even though she basically tells him most things, she knew better for what not to say, she had to take leave from the school she worked at to ensure that she could actually go to Hawkins, the school was gracious enough to allow her to have a few days off before the Easter break.
Soon enough, she arrived in Hawkins, Ottawa to Indianapolis was no time at all and then the hour long drive from Indianapolis to Hawkins, she was home for the first time, she didn't want to go into the main part of town, not towards the public library, she was getting better but she knew it would trigger the thoughts in the back of her head and they'd become overwhelming.
She started to feel like she couldn't breathe, her airways closed up, she started to sweat and it was even warm outside, she scrambled to find the water that was in the car door and drank it, maybe she wasn't ready, her brain thumped with pain.
"It's only seeing your friends for the first time since you made them think you were dead, jerk." The voice chastised.
"That's not true, I did it for a reason." El tells the voice in her head to what was a small whisper if anyone heard her.
"The reason wasn't good enough, I have always told you that you were a coward couldn't face the music."
"I was 16."
"Yes and you are about to turn 24, you are not a kid anymore."
The silence from El was damning.
"What about Mike huh? What are you going to say to him? What if he has found someone?, what if he's dead?, what if he doesn't want to see you?"
El shook her head. "No"
"No what?, because the way I see it. He has every right to not want to see you."
Her tears now streamed like a river down her face, she leaned her head against the window of the car, she wasn't far from the Wheeler house, about 10 minutes by car but she did not want to cross the gap, Owens told her that's where they all are, but she couldn't, she couldn't do it.
"Just go you coward, go to the house and get it over with."
"Shut up, just shut up" El's voice quavered.
She looked up down the road and finally decided to just go reluctantly, she had to face the music and get over it.
The 10 minutes felt like 30 minutes as she drove towards the Wheeler house, she had walked to it so many times all those years ago that she knows the streets like the back of her hand, but it had all changed, a lot had changed, it was still familiar but how it has changed so much since she left, she didn't know.
A wave of guilt went through her at that moment, her breathing a lot more shallow, she forced herself down those roads, towards that house, the house of someone that she loved, the house that currently was occupied by her friends and the boy she loves and his family.
The car squeaked as she made her stop just a few feet away from the path going up to the house, she took a deep breath and got out of the car, she couldn't hear anything except the ringing in her ears as she made her way to the front door, taking another deep breath she knocked on the door, closing her eyes while she did it.
She took a step back and opened her eyes keeping her breathing under control.
She hears a shout "I'll get it" sounding like Nancy, her heart begins to race, she could feel herself going slightly pale "is it too late to turn back?" She thought to herself.
The door opens to Nancy's eyes wide open, her eyebrows raised, her mouth starting to open slowly.
It was as if the world morphed around the pair.
"H-Hi" the voice that came out was a broken one.
"Holy shit" was what came out of Nancy's mouth.
Nancy proceeds to reduce the distance and gives El a massive hug. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit" she repeats as her voice becomes more distorted, when they parted there were tears in Nancy's eyes.
"Well…
if it isn't our hero" Nancy smiled as a tear rolled down her face, she held onto El's shoulders.
"Nancy?" A voice came from the house, masculine, one that she recognised very well. Jonathan appears from the living room looking between the gap shouts "oh my god" and runs towards El giving her a hug.
When Jonathan shouted this caused everyone who were in the living room to come see what was going on.
El looked up from Jonathan's shoulder and could see people staring at her through the crack of the door.
"I think…I think there's some people who are wondering what's happening." Nancy says with a sweet laugh.
El nodded and went towards the door, Nancy and Jonathan followed suit pushing the door she entreated the main foyer.
"Some people" might have been understatement, she looked around and all these beaming eyes were on her, it felt daunting and she couldn't speak.
She smiled and took a deep breath.
Max crossed the room and immediately gave her a hug.
"Are you real?" "This is you?"
"Yeah" El's voice fades out. "I'm real, definitely real."
Max's hug tightens as she cries into El's shoulder.
Everyone in the room looked on not quite believing that what they're seeing in front of them was real, El was alive, El is here in front of them yet they believe it's a trick, they expect her to just disappear.
"Can…can I sit down? The journey from Ottawa has taken a slight toll" a short, humourless laugh escaped her mouth as she looked in Max's eyes.
"Yeah, yeah obviously you can, come on." Max showed her into the living room and she sat on the couch, everyone gathered into the room, it was dead silent, clearly wanting El to say something but she wanted them to say something.
The silence carried on for what felt like hours.
"How?" Was the first word that came out of Max's mouth.
"What do you mean?" El spoke softly even though she knew exactly what Max meant.
"How did you survive, we all saw you die."
"What you saw was an illusion, when you saw me at the gate, I was actually in the tunnels below you."
"Where did you go after?"
"Canada, Dr Owens helped." El nodded. "I live in Ontario, an hour out of Ottawa."
Hopper was leaning on the armchair, he had a longing look on his face, El was now a little older and had clearly been living, she has had a life, she looked healthy, he smiled at her proud.
El looked over at him with a smile looking back to Max and sighed.
"A lot has happened since but now I just work, I just do my job and that's it, I don't do an awful lot."
"You don't need to kid, you had to escape you know, I knew you wouldn't do it." Hopper spoke solemnly, he walked over to her putting his hand on her shoulder. "You did great El."
El's eyebrows raised as she thanked him.
They asked more and El gave but a part of her mind was wandering, Mike wasn't here but she didn't ask about it, it was in the back of her mind.
"He clearly doesn't want to see you." The voice teared into her, El in her head responded to it. "But he was already not here? How would he know?"
"He knows somehow." The voice told her but it was not convincing.
She ignored the voice.
Karen came in and told everyone that lunch was to be served, a thankful relief from all the questions and the thoughts about Mike.
They were all sat outside, no one questioned or thought about talking about El being there as if she was always there, everyone was older and they moved as if this was a normal thing, they moved as if they have done this many times. She wondered about what they have done, they haven't mentioned it.
"Steve, don't do what you did last year" Karen shouted at him
"I don't know what you are talking about Mrs Wheeler."
"You know exactly what I am talking about, I'm sure Grace wouldn't want to hear about it so don't do it."
"I won't Karen, I promise." Steve chucked to himself, he was still confused as to what he had done.
El watched their conversation with intense eyes, she then hoped they hadn't seen her staring, she was sat with Lucas on one side of her and Robin the other, Robin had teared off a bit of bread and offered it to her "thanks" El softly said. "Hey, what was Karen talking about."
"Oh, Steve last year at Christmas accidentally poured the sauce for the meat onto the veg, you see those dressings, the one on the left is a meat dressing and I think Karen was trying to be cheeky." Robin whispered with a soft melodic giggle.
El smiled. "Thanks"
"You're welcome"
"Hey you weren't awkward that time."
"I try Els, but you know me."
A joyful laugh came out of her mouth. "I missed you Rob."
"I missed you, we all missed you, way more than you realise."
El nodded as she continued to eat.
"Do you all do this a lot."
"Yeah, we do, I don't know why but we try to have a gathering once or twice per year, usually Easter and Christmas, sometimes the anniversary, this year we're planning on having another Christmas but not dinner but a Christmas breakfast but we're still very far from Christmas so you know plans might change, because they may, I mean five years ago things changed so we changed plans then, you know, they ha-"
"Robin, I get it, that makes sense." El smiled but her mind and heart were racing. "So something did happen five years ago" she thought in her head.
"Nothing bad happened, just plans changed so we decided to go with the flow that year." Robin smiled at El.
They continued to eat lunch and El decided to excuse herself to the bathroom going upstairs she stopped at Mike's bedroom door, she knocked because that's the courteous thing to do and then opened it, there was nothing, in fact it basically wasn't really Mike's bedroom, it still had hints of Mike but it had been changed at some point, it didn't feel lived in.
"That's not the bathroom El." Nancy spoke, Nancy had come up the stairs not to follow El but to get something from her bedroom.
"I know, I was just wanted to see what his bedroom was like."
Nancy's face looked sombre but she tried to not show it too much. "Do you remember where the bathroom is?"
El nodded before shuffling along the hallway not wanting to look at Nancy's face and tries ignoring the fact she is being looked at. "Where are you Mike?" she thought to herself. "Maybe you're just busy, but you would be here right?, Robin made it feel like you would be." She continues to the bathroom, going to the bathroom she exhaled releasing air she didn't realise she was holding.
There was something disconcerting about the air, it didn't feel normal and her mind was going to the worst possible.
She slowly opened the door of the bathroom and looked down the hallway, Nancy was still there and she trudged back along the hallway and down the staircase, she didn't like how Nancy was there but she tried to ignore her.
She didn't want to ask but she felt the need, Nancy had come back down behind her and they headed into the dining room, the flowers were blue - Mike's favourite colour - and they looked limp.
Steve and Robin were outside still laughing about something, Hopper and Joyce were sat together outside too.
Jonathan was in the kitchen with Karen and Holly as they washed the dishes, Holly had gotten so tall, she was already quite big for her age when she left but she looked as tall as Mike potentially taller.
Will, Max, Dustin and Lucas were in the living room, they were talking gently but El felt as if they were talking about her, she had come in like a wrecking ball, they probably didn't expect it but the general unease came back in her stomach.
"Lucas bought those for my mom." Nancy spoke talking about the flowers, her voice barely above a whisper. "They're pretty, but they haven't lasted too long, we probably need to replace them."
"They're pretty, very pretty." She spoke longingly "Like Mike" she wanted to add but left that unspoken.
She went into the living room where the party were and smiled, she sat on the furthest part of the couch away from them but close enough.
"Where's Mike?" El finally asked, her eyes darted to each person in front of her, they all stopped their conversation and looked at her, all the smiles wiped from their faces.
They didn't say anything, they just looked at her, El starts to play with her sleeve, her eyes still darting.
The silence stayed for what felt like forever until Max sighed heavily, her face showing a frown and her eyes slightly glossy.
"Mike…" she started looking up at El. "He…he's not around."
"What do you mean?" El asked her voice cracked as she spoke the question.
"He…"
"He…killed himself." Max bluntly spoke and then takes a deep breath, her breath shuddered.
El's body clenched, her breathing started to pick up. "You…you're lying."
"I'm not El" Max cries.
El's eyes start to gloss and her hands start to shake.
"How…how long…how long has he been gone."
"Five years, today's the five year anniversary."
El sniffed and looked down into her lap, what she felt five years ago was the fact that Mike was no longer alive, he was gone, as if the world wasn't already bearing down on her, she felt added pressure, her shoulders drew in. "No…" her voice was so quiet.
The tears started to run down her face, her eyes squeezed shut, her head still tilted downwards.
"I'm sorry El." Max had gotten up and sat next to her, holding her hand. "I'm sorry."
"We know he did, he had written letters but we never found his body, we never found him. We found his bike in the woods, it was perched next to a tree, it was so delicately placed but there was no indication of what he did." Lucas explained with a sympathetic look as he came over and sat in front of her and took her other hand.
"I…" she stops, not sure what she wants to say. "I felt him leave, but I didn't know what it was" she's tearing up even more, her tears affecting her voice. "I woke up and I couldn't breathe, I didn't know what I was feeling…" she starts to ramble and her voice starts picking up pace "my friend, he tried to help me that day but I felt it, I felt someone had stabbed me, someone had stabbed me in the heart, I didn't know why it was like that, I didn't check the void, I didn't want to, I checked the year before but I had decided to stop myself from going in, I couldn't. I wish I did, I wish I could have done something." Her face now red and wet, she wiped her face with the heel of her hand, pushing hair out of her face.
Max pulled her in for a hug, Lucas followed suit, Will and Dustin came to be in front of her as they put their hands on hers.
"I'm sorry El, we didn't want you to learn about it this way." Will's voice cracked. "He- we thought he was doing okay, we thought he was getting better, we don't know when he left that day, we don't know what happened, Nancy and Max they had gone up to his room and they saw it was tidy, it wasn't normal for it to be like that, but that was then they saw the letters." Will shock his head as tears ran down his face.
"This is my fault" you could barely hear what she said.
"It's not your fault El" Lucas spoke as he held her tighter.
"It is Lucas, it is my fault." She cries. "I should have done something, anything. I didn't think it would go there, I only checked in like three times and I should have brought him in, I should have told him."
"Hey, hey, hey" Lucas hushes as he slightly rocks her, he releases her and signs for her to move slightly up the couch, he sat down next to her. "You did what you had to do, what Mike did is not your fault, don't ever think that. You didn't do anything wrong El, nothing."
"What…what did he say…in the letters, did he make me one?"
"He told us that he wasn't okay, he told us that he had been wanting to kill himself for a long time, he told us about the things he'd do, how he disrespected himself, he didn't care anymore, he wanted us to be happy and felt it was best if he was out the equation, he didn't see much point in living, he said that he never liked himself, how he wished that he had been taken years ago…and well, you did have one, he made you one should you have ever come back." Lucas spoke whilst rubbing his hand on El's back.
El's tears continued to run down her face, her jaw clenched, her pout more noticeable, her normally bright dark eyes now dull.
"Is…is there anyway I can read it?" She had to force the question out of herself, knowing she would keep it to herself.
Nancy had come into the room at this point, she looked at El with a sympathetic expression, her face long as she came over.
"Nancy, do you know where it is…the letter?" El asked barely looking at Nancy but she knew that Nancy was there.
"Yeah, I can get it for you." Nancy half smiles before leaving, a slight tear ran down her face, they stayed in silence until Nancy came back from upstairs, it was tucked inside a drawer Nancy had put it there back then, she always knew and always reminder herself that it was there should El ever have appeared, she had been tempted to open the letter many times over the years, even though he was gone it felt like a disrespect to his honour and to his life, he was her brother after all.
El didn't know whether she wanted to open it there and then or wait, there was a weight and the voice in her head telling her to open it another part of her didn't want to, not in front of everyone.
"I-I will open this later, thank you Nancy" she tried to smile but it didn't reach her eyes.
"You're welcome El. We love you, I hope you know that."
El nodded, she didn't accept that she was truly saying that, she knew Nancy had a history of not being able to truly say that about others but a part of her realised that she was definitely truthful, her blotchy skin flared and more tears ran down her face, Lucas and Max decided to move away from their spaces next to El to give her breathing room.
"I-, when I looked into the void I didn't think anything had gone wrong or was wrong, I saw Max and Lucas at college, Will was painting, Dustin was playing video games and Mike was asleep. I didn't think anything was wrong, when I saw Mike before once I saw him shivering but I was far away, I didn't want him to sense me, now I realise just how stupid that was."
"It was not stupid El, you can never be stupid, what you've done in life were for the greater good, you needed to live and that meant you felt you couldn't use your powers and that's okay, you needed to learn to not use your powers, even if it crushed you." Nancy tried to reassure her.
El nodded but not truly believing her, she was crushed and all she could think about was Mike, their memories together, she truly believed that she could see him again, even if she had said that it was it when she looked into the void that day, but now she won't get to, she won't ever get to be with him, he never lived, he didn't and couldn't live without her and that was why he killed himself.
When she decided to go to where she was staying in Hawkins, she decided to open the letter, she was putting it off and just wanted to rip the band-aid, she could see the remnant of a tear stain on the paper.
Hi El,
If you read this, I will be gone.
I'm tired El, tired of everything.
I said I couldn't live without you and that was true, I can't.
You gave me life and knowing that you were gone and never coming back, it crushed me.
I truly wanted to believe El, if you are reading this then I was right, but I could be wrong, if I am wrong then this is staying untouched.
I've been broken El, the weight of the world has been on my shoulders since you left, since I was part of building the bomb that killed you and those pregnant women in the Upside Down.
You were always the one El, I saw the real you, I saw someone who wasn't a girl with powers, I didn't see a machine or a weapon, I saw someone who was beautiful, who was kind, you were a special kind of person that I feel like I was the one of the only ones to recognise it, when we met I didn't know what I felt, I was 12, I didn't know you had powers but all I saw was a girl who was cold and wet, I wanted to protect and understand you. You have a beautiful soul and you deserved so much, sometimes I thought I got lucky meeting you, sometimes I think that if you were to meet someone else that they'd deserve to know you more than me not because of the fact you are beautiful - you are, you are and were the most beautiful girl I have ever seen - but the type of person you are, I know it is just insecurities talking but I truly believe you were my soulmate, my best friend and the love of my life.
Since you've been gone I have felt so numb, I can't feel anything anymore, sometimes I wish pain would happen because then that would be the only thing I can feel.
You haven't contacted, which means you are gone or just didn't want me anymore and I get it, you deserve the world, you deserve more than me.
I hope you haven't missed me.
Why would you?
I wish you were but you're not.
I'm going, I just want it to all be over.
Where are you?
I hope you're living and you're having a good life because mine has not, I've tried to do things that make me happy El and they don't work.
Why should I be happy if the thing that made me happy died in that stupid dimension.
I wanted to protect you and I failed, I failed you El, I truly wanted to run away with you, I would have given up everything just so you'd be safe, I wanted to love you and explore the world with you. I wanted to give you the life you should but you are gone, you're truly gone and I don't know how to live with that.
I don't think I have ever cried the amount I have El.
I don't know how much I screamed your name and wished you were here.
Why aren't you here?
I don't think I ever got over the fact you were gone, I never did, I hope that by doing this, what I am about to do that I will be reunited with you, you are all I want and life is cruel that you had to make that choice.
Where was my choice El?
I wish you talked to me, why didn't you talk El, you were hurting and I tried and you pushed me away, I tried…I tried.
I hope you are happy wherever you are, I hope that wherever you are, if you have come back from wherever you are that you have found peace, I miss you too much.
I hate that I miss you, I hate that you had to be born with powers, I hate that fucking lab, I wish I could have killed Dr Brenner, Dr Kay, all those government and military dudes myself.
I wish I had to die that night and not you.
I wish I did die that night because maybe that would mean you are alive. I wish I died that day because then you wouldn't have gone into hiding.
I have longed for you, every day, it's become all too much, so I am leaving, I don't want to suffer anymore El.
I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry.
Ever since you left I have lost half of me, I am nothing without you.
The truth is El I never liked the person I was, I never did, what I said was true, I wish I was the one who had to die so you had to live.
Before you appeared I remember I never cared if I got hurt, that has continued all through my life I have been indifferent to the pain, I think Lucas would say I would have wanted to go out in style and that's true.
So, I am.
Goodbye El.
I love you,
Mike.
Once she finished she cried harder than she has ever cried, he believed.
He believed.
He needed her.
"Oh Mike, I'm so fucking sorry" El whispered into the air, she gripped the sofa, it was soft and delicate, she gripped it so hard she almost teared it.
"Well you found out you absolute jerk."
"This is what you get, you fucked up."
"You didn't let him in, now he's dead because of you."
"No, that's not true" she whimpered, her hands shaking still holding the letter, she puts the letter on the coffee table and puts her head in her hands. "Mike, god Mike, I should have done you better."
"Why Mike."
"WHY"
"WHY" she screeched the lamp next to her turned on and then immediately smashed.
She turned her head into the arm of the couch and cried, her cries echoed, if anyone was to listen in it would be all they could hear.
"Mike come back to me."
"Come back, please don't be dead, please somehow."
"Please."
"Please Mike."
She made herself as small as possible, curled into herself, still crying, just wanting Mike to come home.
…the void…
She thought about the void, she leapt off the couch and found something she could wrap around her head, turning the TV to static, she went into the void and tried to find Mike, screaming his name into the blackness to nothing.
He never appeared.
He was dead.
Even though she already knew that.
She still screamed his name.
She screamed his name until her voice went raw.
When she finally left the void, she just laid on the floor face into the carpet, her face still red and wet, she fell asleep right there and then.
June 7th 1995
It had been a few months since she went and she heard that news, the truth was it was all she thought about.
She went home, did her job but pushed Laurent, her friends in Canada, everyone there away.
She screamed Mike's name until the dead of night.
He has been gone for five years and she didn't know, her guilt grew.
She cried and cried, her eyes were dry.
Her throat was dead most days.
The voices in her head grew.
She barely ate.
She was disappearing.
The pain was too strong.
Her heart ached all day.
The voices kept going, hounding at her.
She was numb.
She still blamed herself, she wished she did something.
The love of her life was dead and he was never buried.
He was some wild animal's dinner.
She wished she could turn back time.
She failed him.
She failed...
She failed…
She failed…
The previous day she went back to Hawkins, everyone was there, they all saw how different she looked, they didn't question it, even though they knew what happened to Mike, they didn't question it.
It was it, today would be the final day of her life, she was meeting her friends, for the final time ever.
They didn't know what was happening and that she was planning for it to be the final day, truth was she had been planning it for the last few weeks.
She knew exactly how she wanted to go out.
She knew she wanted to be with Mike and this was the way to do it, the world didn't deserve her just like it didn't deserve Mike.
Mike who was the most special person, Mike who was so beautiful.
Mike who was tender.
The world didn't know the Mike she did.
He was gone which meant she was too.
A decade ago, her birthday that year was one of the happiest days of her life, today was her final birthday before she leaves forever.
Purple Rain by Prince and The Revolution started playing on the radio.
She had a gun, it was a gun that belonged to Dr Owens that had previously belonged to Hopper.
All of her friends were outside enjoying the sunshine and she was in the bathroom.
She took one last breath and pulled the trigger.
Purple Rain was still playing as she died.
Max was the first to find her and she screamed which prompted everyone to see what had happened.
They all saw her there, gone.
Lucas held Max close as she cried into the crick of his neck.
Hopper for all that he was tough, broke down.
They all spotted the note, the note that greeted them at the feet of the woman they had loved.
Max went to grab it, she turned around "Oh El" Max sighed before she began reading.
Hello,
So, you found me.
I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
I could not live without Mike.
I failed him, I need him.
I had not been great mentally before I left and never since, I thought I got better but then I find out Mike was dead.
I am reuniting myself with him.
I wish I had died that day, I betrayed him, I betrayed every single one of you.
It was not living.
I was forced to be in this world, I was forced to have powers.
I can force myself to go out of this world.
I wish I was never born, I wish I never met you all.
I wish that I could have lived as someone I should have been but I never will have been able to.
I hope we can meet in another life.
Thank you for all the memories.
Thank you for all the love you have given me but I did not deserve it.
Thank you Hopper for being the best father possible.
Thank you Max for being a great friend, thank you for being the girl I could rely on, you would like Alexia who lives in my village back home.
Thank you Lucas for being a great friend, thank you for being there for me and for Mike, I wish you the best in this life, you deserve everything.
Thank you Dustin for being a great friend, I hope that you continue to love science and continue to be a nerd, thank you.
Thank you Will for being a great friend and brother, we may have not always got on but thank you, you meant a lot to me.
Thank you Joyce, you were a mother to me and the best one I could have had, please tell my mama I love her.
Steve, Robin, Nancy, Jonathan, thank you for being people I could look up to, thank you for being the sweetest people. I love all four of you.
If you find Laurent, tell him thank you for being a great friend and I am so sorry that I could never be the person he wanted, he helped me through so much.
Goodbye.
Goodbye forever.
I will reunite with Mike and be happy wherever I end up.
El.