Chapter Text
Warm inviting lights flicker in my eyes, or what's left uncovered of them, my messy hair and tears and a drop of blood mixing together. It tastes like salt and iron. The lights above become a creamy bokeh, my tormentors dissolve into silhouettes.
There's a shoe kicking me, I think. The laughter is deafening. Everything is too fast, too slow, too bright, too dim.
'Bro holy shit he's actually fucking crying, we barely fucking touched him', the girl said. She forces her shoe into my mouth. I try to focus on something else other than the limp male body on the ground, the dirt and shit and grass on the thing in my mouth. I try to curl up, but that earns me another kick in the chest.
'Dramatic fucking faggot. I bet he's gonna jerk off to this later bro'. Focus on something. Focus on her short blonde hair, sharp jaws, green-yellow eyes - what's the name of that colour again? - ow! - i can't breathe - sadistic fucking grin - 'Take out the camera guys this fucking golden bro' 'yo this fag's giving up already lmao'- pain hurt hurt hurt -
max
i let the flickering lights at the edge of my eyes claim me
yo max
snap
I am violently pulled back into my male body again, the warm lights of the library and the bitter taste of coffee and dirt flooding my senses. Through the curtain of my untamed curly hair my terrified doe eyes makes another glance at the guy that made me think of all this. Short blonde hair, wispy beard, same hazel eyes same height same nose same - oh no. Oh no no no no no. It's not just a coincidence.
The guy catches me looking at him. He seems puzzled. Oh no, I was fucking ogling him. Maybe it's the estrogen, maybe it's the progesterone, but no one fucking knows. I feel a ball of emotion and heat form in me, half terror, half arousal. I want to curl up in a ball and disappear -
There's a group of testosterone surrounding me now. forming a big blob of Axe body spray and sweat. They all look the same. Except him. Does he know? Does he see me? No he doesn't, are you stupid? Sh-he's grown, I've grown, surely he's forgotten by now -
Everyone's looking at me now, even if I'm not looking at them. My fat moid body, my shoulders, my 6ft tall skinnyfat thing with gyno from years of grey market estrogen, a big unfixable skull and a shitty voice that I've made ZERO FUCKING PROGRESS ON despite me bingewatching voice training videos for fucking YEARS. heat from fire fire from heat my ass i hope they put me in a fire and turn me into ash
Wait, someone's talking to me, I think -
'Yoo max we're going to the private room on the second floor for the psych study group, wanna come?' says this random guy from the group of testosterone.
snap
'sure'
I try my best to pack up my laptop and books and not look at him again.