Work Text:
Centaurs minus C (Entaurs) 🐴
Bood
I have a question.
Harris
Enlighten us.
Hayes
What's up?
Bood
So last weekend when we were at Cap's and Hollzy's house...
Did anyone else notice the locked door?
Dykstra
I assume they locked a lot of their doors when having the team over.
The one at the end of the hallway?
Bood
...yes?
Oh yeah. That's always locked.
Barrett
Luca, how often are you at their house?
A totally normal amount of times.
Bood
Anyone know what's behind it?
No idea. Does it matter?
Hayes
Does it matter?
Harris
Yeah, I feel like locking certain rooms in your house is normal when inviting guests over. I do that too.
Bood
I don't think I want to know what you're hiding.
Barrett
Normal stuff. Like our bedroom. And the sex dungeon, obviously.
Harris
I should clarify that he's kidding.
Barrett
Sorry, yeah. It's exclusively the sex dungeon that we lock.
LaPointe
I mean, have you MET Cap and Hollzy? The way they practically dry-hump each other during practice, I wouldn't be surprised if they had a sex dungeon.
They're not hiding a sex dungeon. I don't think they have one, I've walked in on them more times that I can count. If they wanted to keep their sex lives secret, they would not be making out in the showers and in the parking lot.
Bood
Good point.
Harris
So, what's behind it?
Holmberg
I opened this chat at a very awkward time.
Barrett
So now you're invested, Harris?
Harris
Like you aren't. Did you pick up the dry-cleaning, by the way?
Barrett
Yes. All done.
Harris
Thanks. ❤️
Gross.
(in a single way, not a homophobic way)
Bood
Luca, what's behind the door?
How would I know?
Bood
I feel like it's been established that you're there all the time for some reason. Can you find out?
Why don't you just ask?
Bood
Great idea. Let me ask our Russian, 200lbs captain what's behind the locked door in his house.
Centaurs 🐴
Haas
Hey Cap, Bood has a question.
Yes my son, what is wrong?
Bood
I hate you, Luca.
What is it, Bood? I am busy.
Dykstra
It's very important.
solnyshko ❤️
Everything okay?
Bood
We were wondering
what's behind that door at the end of your hall. Luca said it's always locked.
This is what you interrupt my workout for?
solnyshko ❤️
Relax, Ilya.
LaPointe
👀
Holmberg
👀
Dykstra
👀
solnyshko ❤️
You're seriously asking us about the door?
Harris
More about the contents behind that door.
Harris, you are in on this too? I did not think you would care for gossip.
Harris
Hey, just because I don't play hockey doesn't mean I'm not nosy.
solnyshko ❤️
There's nothing behind the door.
Nothing that would concern you.
Young
👀
Dykstra
👀
I am ignoring you now.
Centaurs minus C (Entaurs) 🐴
Bood
I'm not any smarter now. Thanks by the way, Luca.
You're welcome.
Dykstra
So, we'll investigate, right?
Barrett
Sure. We haven't had any shenanigans lately.
I can't believe you unironically used the word shenanigans.
Barrett
Ignoring that.
Bood
So, Luca. You're up.
For what?
Bood
Finding out what's behind that door.
??? Why me?
Bood
It's been established that you live with them.
I don't! They just invite me over a lot. It's normal.
Hayes
It's not. They adopted you.
Young
Seriously. You're their unlawful son.
They're married! They just like having me over, maybe they don't like you.
Ilya likes making chicken parmesan and Shane likes walking me through hockey strategies.
Harris
You just called them by their first names.
They offered!
...
Okay fine, I see your point.
solnyshko ❤️
Do not tell them what's in the room.
Obviously.
Centaurs minus C (Entaurs) 🐴
Okay, I'm at their house.
Bood
How much time do you need?
I don't know! I never picked a lock before.
Harris
Um, Luca, how exactly did you get into their house in the first place? Do I need to be worried?
...I asked Cap if I could hang out there until he gets back from his appointment.
Harris
And that worked?
Obviously not. He's suspicious as hell since Bood asked about the door. But I asked Shane and he said I can be there until they're back. He gave me a key.
Bood
Your fault that I asked, by the way.
Whatever. I'm gonna try to get into the room now. My phone's on vibrate, so call me when he heads out.
Dykstra
Don't worry. We got it covered. LaPointe and Young are bugging them about hockey questions.
Bood
I'm watching from afar. It's very interesting.
Barrett
Captain looks like he wants to shoot himself, and Hollzy keeps subtly grabbing his ass.
Barrett
"Subtly."
Hayes
I hate how intrigued I am.
Harris
Have we maybe considered what a breach of privacy this is?
Hayes
Privacy flew out the window when I caught Hollzy actively on his knees.
Harris
I'm gonna schedule another meeting about appropriate workplace behavior.
Barrett
Not again! Being inappopriate is so much more fun.
Harris
You're inappropriate enough at home.
Holmberg
TMI, Harris.
Hayes
Noooo, tell us more! Tell us how inappropriate Barrett is.
Harris
Sometimes, I lie awake at night and question my life choices.
Hayes
Understandable.
Barrett
‼️SOS. Cap and Hollzy are heading out. Calling Luca.
Oh my God, guys.
I got in.
Hayes
What's in there???
Bood
Tea, now.
Young
I deserve to know for being a sacrifice and annoying Cap.
Dykstra
Luca???
I feel like I shouldn't say.
This feels private.
Bood
So it IS a sex dungeon.
It's not a sex dungeon.
LaPointe
So what is it?
I'm going to pretend like nothing happened now.
Barrett
Haas!
Bood
Don't leave us hanging.
Hayes
Where'd he go?
Centaurs minus C (Entaurs) 🐴
Harris
It's been like half an hour. @Luca Haas, you okay? Still alive?
Hayes
Maybe Captain killed him.
I'm alive.
Dykstra
What happened?
Barrett
Did he notice?
They came home as I was trying to get the door to lock again.
They had a stern talking with me.
I will never ask any questions ever again.
And I am never participating in your "shenanigans" again.
Barrett
Oh my god, was it that bad? What's in there?
Hayes
The suspense is killing me.
It wasn't anything bad. But I am not allowed to say.
Centaurs 🐴
Since you are all so curious about what is behind that door that you sent in my poor son
you will learn a lesson by hearing what is behind the door.
Haas
I'm so sorry guys.
Bood
Sorry for invading your privacy, Cap. We were just curious.
Dykstra
Won't happen again.
No no. You must learn. Maybe then you won't snoop anymore.
solnyshko ❤️
Behind the door is nothing but a book on a podium.
Famous book. Maybe you know it. Is called Kamasutra.
solnyshko ❤️
We have checked off the positions that we've done and circled the ones we still want to do.
We will show you picture, if you want. You can imagine it next practice.
Harris
Okay, lesson learned. We get it. It won't happen again. In the name of all of us, we are all very sorry for intruding.
Bood
I'm sorry.
Barrett
I'm sorry too. Harris, I'm buying bleach from the store later. For our eyes.
Dykstra
Are we brushing over the fact that Shane Hollander, hockey's golden boy, the blueprint of autism, owns a Kamasutra?
Dykstra
(Sorry by the way.)
solnyshko ❤️
I'm not autistic.
Dykstra
Sure.
Hayes
Um....
Barrett
I have news for you.
solnyshko ❤️
???
Haas
You will never be alone at our house again.
Yeah. I'm sorry. I feel really bad.
But...it was really sweet. Not the part where you lied to the team about the Kamasutra.
They have to learn their lesson.
I won't tell them about the room. I promise.
But also, I think it's really sweet you have a room full of pictures of yourselves.
Yes. We do not have to hide anymore, but it was hard when we did. So we keep the room for ourselves. To look at the photos we took when we couldn't show anybody else.
Like a shrine for your relationship. I get it.
Is just between him and me.
Can I make it up to you?
If you come over for dinner tomorrow, yes. I am making chicken parmesan again. And Shane has boring hockey book for you. Bring his ginger ale.
Don't you have a whole shelf in the fridge stocked with it?
Yes, but it will make him happy.
Okay. See you tomorrow.