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"I need to fill gas," Kai says as he turns down the radio.
He retracts his hand from Taehyun's thigh in the process, leaving the skin cold and vulnerable. Kai's other hand was barely even holding onto the wheel—his attention was geared towards the GPS taking them to the nearest gas station.
"The GPS is wrong most of the time. Just park and let me take us, I know the way better than you," Taehyun mutters under his breath.
He always preferred to be in control, even just sitting in the passenger seat was mental torture for him.
Kai wasn't a great driver—they both knew that. They also knew that Taehyun memorized the road like the back of his hand. After all, he drove this way every month to his parent's home. Today wasn't any different other than the fact he had company.
Kai cocks his head momentarily to hopefully glimpse at Taehyun's grumpy expression, but he could only see a wall of blue hair.
"We talked about why I didn't want you to drive, baby."
His voice resounds like honey throughout the car, so sweet that it makes Taehyun's face twitch in frustration.
Specifically, at the way he says "baby." For Taehyun, that endearment was a word reserved for the home and the home only. Even in the car, with nobody but themselves, it was a struggle to verbalize anything more than formalities.
But for Kai, love spewed out of him easier than water flowing down a river; natural. From the day they met, Kai had showered him with every ounce of affection his body could produce. One sentence spoken was more than Taehyun had externalized in perhaps a lifetime.
In lieu of Taehyun's protests, Kai pulls over into the gas station lot and turns the radio off completely.
Taehyun stares out the window, now at the soulless buildings and inhabited streets where people move like zombies just getting to work because they had to. It sounds an awful lot like what his own life should have become—he can see himself quite clearly in their places.
He couldn't help stealing just a few glances out of the corner of his eye, towards the tufts of white hair turning towards him from the dash.
"We don't have to go, Tyun." Kai presses a kiss to Taehyun's cheek over the console. "I'll turn back home. We can stay in and watch August Rush and order the spicy popcorn you like. I understand."
That's what he hated so much about Kai. He understood and saw through him so fucking much tha he felt embarrassingly bare, ridiculously naked.
It was humiliating, really. Taehyun couldn't grasp Kai even after being together for two years; couldn't grasp how he could love so openly, live so freely, forgive despite his life becoming everything he vowed to never become.
Kai didn't want this life. He wanted to go out in public, hold hands in crowds, kiss in the streets when it rained too hard from them to even be outside reasonably. He wasn't meant for hiding in a one bedroom apartment and keeping their love confined to its five hundred square feet.
Only three months after getting together, Kai wanted to introduce Taehyun to his parents, his sisters, his entire solar system.
Two years later, Taehyun was still searching for an excuse, any excuse that may make just the slightest bit of sense, to not take Kai to his parents' home.
It was less of him being embarrassed of Kai, and more embarrassed of himself. Despite being so smart as a kid, far more responsible as a teenager than the rest of his peers, the perfect son that made every other parent envious, he couldn't even fulfill the one wish they had for him.
His parents liked to push this constant vision of him being at the top of his class, going to medical school, becoming a renowned doctor, and settling down with a nice, polite girl to start an even more picture perfect family.
He managed to complete the first two steps. But instead of falling head over heels for a beautiful woman, he found himself falling into the arms of the kindhearted, gentle giant living down the hallway from him.
Instead of bending at the knee to propose to the woman who ought to make his entire life whole, he was bent over his apartment's cracked marble countertops by the man who finally solved the puzzle to his existence which he had come to so deeply resent.
It was as if just seeing Kai for the first time cracked the code to what Taehyun felt was fucking wrong with himself.
He could never conform to the future his parents wanted for him. He could date a woman, appreciate her just enough to take care of her, get down on one knee and propose, but there would be absolutely nothing behind it. No love, no desire, no want. He dreaded that future for himself—one where he felt absolutely nothing for the person he was bound to whether by legality or expectations.
The first "want" he felt allowed to have was the white haired, clumsy, practical music major who managed to steal his heart just by dropping a few boxes at midnight in their shared hallway.
"Need to pee," Kai murmurs as he unbuckles his seatbelt. He takes Taehyun's hand into his own, prying it away from the thigh it was scratching. "Come with me?"
Taehyun nodded, letting his hand go limp in Kai's bigger one.
Kai opens Taehyun's door for him—a gentleman, as always—and sticks his thumb in his love's back pocket.
Taehyun had always been self conscious about physical touch in public, and it seemed to get worse the closer in proximity they were to his parents. He gently taps Kai's knuckles, signaling to stop leeching.
Kai doesn't frown. He never does. The last thing he would want is to make Taehyun feel guilty. They walk into the gas station together, now separated.
Kai leans down to whisper in Taehyun's ear. "Do you need anything?"
Taehyun shakes his head.
"You sure? Not even a drink—"
"Just go pee," Taehyun cuts him off abruptly. "I want to be there before the sun sets."
Kai pouts at Taehyun's bluntness, but doesn't protest.
"Okay."
The taller heads towards the back of the gas station, but whips backwards after just a few steps.
"You have something in your hair!" Kai yelps.
Taehyun pats around his head, but he doesn't feel anything particularly strange—just his hair.
"Where?" he says, confused.
"Ah—" Kai gets flustered. "It's at the back. Just—just come with me to the bathroom. I'll take it out!"
Taehyun doesn't question how Kai could somehow see something at the back of his head when he's standing in front of him three feet away or why his face is a violent shade of pink, and follows him to the bathroom instead.
The gas station is empty, with the exception of the cashier who isn't paying much attention to them. Kai suddenly grabs Taehyun's wrist and pulls him into the bathroom, pressing him against the wall with no hesitation.
Taehyun's eyes instinctively dart around to make sure nobody is accompanying them, perhaps someone sitting in a stall or someone loitering around the sink. After confirming they're alone, he lets himself relax into Kai's arms braced around him.
"Sorry," Kai murmurs against Taehyun's forehead. "I couldn't help myself. You just looked so pretty sitting in my passenger's seat."
He slides his entire left palm under his head to create a barrier between the hard wall and soft hair. Lips kiss all the way down Taehyun's face, starting from his forehead, to the tip of his nose, to each cheek, and then finally a millimeter from lips.
"Please," Taehyun whimpers, breathing hot against Kai.
When it came to Kai, he was the most impatient person in the entire world.
Without hesitation, Kai presses his lips against Taehyun's. It always starts a bit messy at first: tongues colliding, breathing too heavily, biting at each other's lips. They're forced to hold themselves back for too long throughout the day; it's natural for their energy to flow out in the most inconvenient manners when given the chance.
Taehyun's fingers curl into the back of Kai's white tufts, pulling his face even closer so their noses are slotted as a pair.
Kai moans into his mouth—a bit too loud for comfort—so Taehyun shoves his tongue in between lips to shut him up.
There's nothing gentle in their kisses. They grab at each other far too tight, trying to mold into each other like they can become one if they spend enough time in each other's throats, and god, if that were true, they would have morphed into each other by now.
Kai moves his hands, now putting one dangerously low on his waist and the other tilting his jaw up to deepen the kiss. He angles the shorter just right, as they've practiced so many times in solitude by now.
Taehyun is the one to let out a broken whine this time. He wants to be closer to Kai, he wants to be as close as possible to him, and if they could, he wants Kai to be inside him right now.
Pressed completely against the wall, he kicks his legs up to hook around Kai's hips. There's a pair of strong arms that slide under his thigh, seating him perfectly. Taehyun squeezes his legs to pull Kai's middle closer, and his hands to cradle Kai's face as they kiss.
"You're so perfect, Tyun…" Kai breaks away mid kiss to say breathily. He admires Taehyun's face as if it were the first time he'd ever laid eyes upon him.
"Shut up and kiss me," Taehyun scolds before pulling him back in, deeper. Whether they were in the middle of sex or even just kissing, he always struggled with praise.
He nips at Kai's bottom lip, sucking on it and then licking over it to soothe any stinging. He's a whining mess at this point, but they're too lost into the moment to even care.
That was one of the things that made him fall in love with Kai almost immediately. It was so painfully easy for Taehyun to completely undo the man, where all Kai can do is go soft, gentle, and compliant for him.
But of course, when everything goes gentle, he becomes painfully aware of what he's actually doing, and who he is as a person.
Kai sets him down on two feet, holding him steady by the waist and brushing his jaw with a thumb, so disgustingly sweet as if they weren't filthily making out and rubbing against each other in a gas station bathroom.
Kai leans down again to kiss Taehyun's neck, but he pushes his chest to form a crater between them. Not harsh, not rough, just enough to move him away and forge the slightest bit of space.
"Kai," he pants while still catching his breath.
Their faces are ridiculously red, and Kai's once soft lips are completely bitten up.
"Sorry," Kai says. "Did I get carried away?"
Kai freezes as if he was caught doing something wrong. His hand hovers over Taehyun's waist, unsure.
"You didn't," Taehyun assures, jaw tightening. "I just—"
Taehyun doesn't finish his sentence and drops his head down to stare at their feet. He feels so defeated every time he stops himself from continuing good moments like this, where nothing was even wrong other than his own brain chemistry.
"Okay…"
Kai really ought to get tired of Taehyun by now. There's no reason for him to put up with the many issues a relationship with Kang Taehyun presents. If he were with anyone else, he could be cheerfully kissing in public, have love that isn't laced with one sided shame.
He steps back from the wall, giving Taehyun enough space to move freely so they can just leave. Their eyes don't meet the full way—Kai's are wide like a rejected puppy.
Taehyun exhales and grabs the string of Kai's hoodie. "Don't do that."
Kai's gaze shoots upward and he blinks. "Dont do what?"
"You're acting like I'm mad at you, stop that. You didn't do anything wrong,"
"I tricked you into coming to the bathroom with me so we could make out. That's kinda wrong."
Taehyun rolls his eyes and delivers a lazy punch to Kai's chest. "You're so stupid," he chuckles.
"Stupid for you," Kai flirts as they exit the gas station.
—
They make it to Taehyun's parent's home right before the sun sets. They planned to stay the night and then leave the next morning—his mother fussed that it wasn't safe to drive all the way back in the dark.
Kai knew everything he could and couldn't say around Taehyun's parents. He was given the crash course on the Kang family a long time ago, and learned that, to be quite frank, it was better to just not speak unless spoken to so he didn't reveal anything he shouldn't.
Taehyun's hand shakes as it hovers in front of the door. He contemplates turning around right here, twisting on his heel, and retreating back to the safety of their car and driving all the way back. Kai certainly wouldn't protest—it's not like he wants to be here, either.
Not long after finally knocking, Taehyun's mother greets them.
"Oh, Taehyun!" she cries while pulling her son into a hug.
"Hi, eomma," he greets quietly. He doesn't have the heart to be her perfect, cheerful son today.
She finally lets go of him and turns toward Kai, who is awkwardly standing behind them.
"You must be Kai," she says with a smile. "Come here."
She pulls Kai into a hug as well, shorter, but still gentle. She's met him briefly when visiting to drop things off for Taehyun at university, but their interactions never traversed more than a polite conversation and introduction.
"Your father is hungry," she says while signaling to rush inside. "Let's start dinner."
His father is already sitting at the table, finger tapping impatiently as he waits for them to sit down.
"Taehyun," he greets cordially. "And you must be Kai, correct?"
Kai bows a bit too quickly—fearfully, even—before taking his seat next to Taehyun. He's scooted his chair a good few inches away from Taehyun.
The meal is normal enough, after all, his mother is a great cook. She prepared rice, sizzling meat, everything Taehyun has enjoyed since he was a kid.
The conversation is light at first. His parents ask him how classes have been going, and when they've dried that topic out enough, they move on to ask Kai what he's studying. They're a bit confused about the choice of studying music of all things, but luckily they're polite enough to not openly criticize his major right in front of him.
Taehyun barely touches his food. His stomach is completely in knots every time his father even glances in his direction, and he knows he won't be able to digest anything properly.
And of course, the conversation ultimately derails into what Taehyun feared the most.
"Do you remember Mr. Kim from down the street? Well, his daughter is here for the week, and we wanted you both to meet," his father says. "She's a very good girl. I think you would have good chemistry."
There's stars in both of his parents' eyes, just from imagining the life they planned out for Taehyun coming to fruition.
Kai's eyes move towards Taehyun to see what he'll do. He can't just tell them he's already in a relationship without inviting thousands of other questions, but he also can't just agree to this, not when Kai is right fucking next to him.
"Ah…" Taehyun responds weakly, voice shaking.
He always thought he was a public speaker. He still is, he supposes, as this is the most private matter to himself.
He isn't a great private speaker by that logic.
"Taehyun? Is everything alright?" his mother asks while leaning over the table.
Her head turns to face her husband, a mutual look of confusion is shared between them.
He was never a child they had to be concerned for. Taehyun got all of his work done on time, woke himself up for school, made lunch not only for himself but for his entire family in the morning. He never had to be prompted to do anything—he could take care of himself.
He feels Kai looking at him, not with resentment or fear, but with a disgusting comfort telling him that he had no obligations to anyone but himself. Not to his parents, not to Kai, not to whoever pressures him to become something he so desperately did not want to be.
Yes, the sole obligation Taehyun has is towards himself. That was the one obligation, his entire fucking life, that he was daunted by, for meeting that one, critical requirement would involve him abandoning all of the other principles set in stone for him that ought to guide his life.
All he has to do is just say it, tell his parents how he wants to live, who he has become, no, who he always was, and that it is simply and utterly incompatible with everything they ever thought of him. He could shatter the pristine glass statue they created of him in their heads with one, short sentence.
His mother is evidently disturbed by his silence and shifts uncomfortably in her seat.
"Is there… already someone? At university? You should have told us—"
On the contrary, a big grin appears on his father's face, larger than when he got into university, or when he returned home as the top student last year. He pats his wife on the shoulder to calm her down, because in his eyes, everything was perfect. He didn't even have a fucking suspicion.
"Oh, son! Well of course there's already someone, haven't you seen the glow in his face in the photos he's been sending us? Naturally our handsome son already has a beautiful woman by his side."
If he didn't speak now, his parents would put up more and more and fucking more barriers to his truth. The delusion they so desperately craved was manifesting right in front of them, to the point where Taehyun would murder who they considered to be their prized son right in front of them if he chose to speak.
From the corner of his eye, he could see Kai squirming in his seat. His eyes couldn't travel the full distance to look directly at him—just the wrong shine or fondness could give everything away to his parents, that Kai, the one they graciously invited to their home, was the person who stole his heart.
Taehyun opens his mouth to speak, but words won't come out. Right when he's about to excuse himself to the washroom, someone ruins his opportunity.
"Oh, did Taehyun not tell you?" Kai starts.
Taehyun's jaw drops in horror. He told Kai, no matter what, he cannot tell his parents about them.
"He's started to go out with my younger sister," he continues. "She's studying to become a lawyer. She's quite brilliant, really."
Kai forces a smile, while Taehyun's face has become devoid of absolutely all color. He didn't know where any of this was coming from. Hiyyih was wonderful, but they… they were not going out.
Taehyun's mother covers her mouth with her palm, eyes curling up from a full faced smile.
"You don't say! Taehyunnie! Why wouldn't you tell us about this?"
His father nods, looking pleased.
"You should bring her over," he suggests. "We'll take her out to a fancy, expensive restaurant. Only the best for our son's woman."
"They're really great together," Kai says with a nod too deep to be sincere. "Taehyun takes great care of her. She's really happy."
His mother is clearly invested and wants to learn more about this mysterious woman.
"So, tell me her name, Kai! I'm sure any woman that Taehyun chooses is wonderful."
Taehyun is shaking by this point. He watches Kai in horror as he drones on about Hiyyih, every single fake story he can come up with to further how amazing of a partner Taehyun is to her.
"Bahiyyih really loves him," Kai gulps. It's getting more and more obvious how hard it is for him to get through this, and if he continues, he may just start bawling at the table. Taehyun can see Kai's jaw tightening with every word, and his blinking becoming far more frequent. "She calls me every night to tell me about how he treats her like a princess, and—"
Taehyun can't take it anymore.
"Kai, Kai. Stop," Taehyun cries, exasperated. He sounded like a dying animal with how his throat scratched and fought against his pleas.
He hurt Kai enough over the past two years by keeping him locked away as some dirty secret. There was no reason to entwine him into the lie he, and he himself, allowed to fester into this dirty, horrific monster that was now coming to slaughter him alive.
Taehyun's hand finds Kai's shoulder. The younger one attempts to move back in his chair, confused about why Taehyun is suddenly grabbing onto him.
"Eomma, appa, there's something I haven't told you," he chokes out. His voice makes it sound like all of the air was robbed from his lungs.
His mother tilts her head to the side, awaiting a response.
His father, likewise, widens his eyes in anticipation. He never liked much when Taaehyun stumbled over his words. Speak like a man, he would say.
"There—there is—well—" Taehyun struggles to get the words out.
He didn't know how to start his murder plot, especially when the crime would be committed right in front of the victim's most beloved. There really is no correct way to kill someone's son right in front of them.
He's never had to do this before. With his friends, he never had to formally come out to them. It always became apparent once they saw the light reappear in his eyes, the brightness return to his tired face, the energy restored in his ever so overworked body, whenever Kai was in the room. They never asked. They never had to ask. It was simply a given; Kai was Taehyun's sun.
The biggest reason he was so terrified of bringing Kai home wasn't even the eventual, impending crisis of having to tell his parents who Kai is to him. It was that they would see right fucking through him, look through just the emotions seeping out of him, tainting their dining room floor. He feared that before he could even muster up the autonomy to tell them anything himself, they would rip apart his filthy truth.
But maybe, his love wasn't strong enough for it to spill from every crevice of his body, leak straight from heart and soul. Sometimes he worried he didn't love Kai enough to put everything on the line for him. Or perhaps, he loved him too much to be physically able to risk "everything" turning into "nothing" that formerly was "something."
His mother interrupts his panic. "Taehyunnie, talk to us," she pleads. "Is everything okay?"
She has genuine concern in her eyes. Such an innocent, unaware concern that Taehyun would now have to destroy, bit by bit, right in front of her.
There's a tap on his hand, right where thumb connects to palm. Kai's touch, of course. His hand sneaks under the table, resting on Taehyun's own atop of his knee. It would be up to him now to decide if he wants to do this. Kai's just giving him the final push, the final option.
The only option Taehyun had ever allowed himself to have was Kai—but Kai should have never been an option. Kai was sent down to him against all odds, despite Taehyun deserving nothing, let alone the angel that was Huening Kai. Such a blessing should have never been a fucking possibility that he had the mere choice to preserve.
Kai is his person. He should have sealed it, engraved their love in permanence, from the moment he knew. From the moment they met.
He knows Kai wouldn't be mad at him for not going through with it tonight, or ever, honestly. Kai is too patient, too willing to give his own happiness up for the sake of Taehyun's stupidity in finding comfort within secrecy.
But Kai has given himself up for too long. If Taehyun were to preserve his parents' love forever, he would be deprived of his own, unique form of love.
Nothing was worth more than his Kai's love, he decides.
Taehyun links his pinkie with Kai's, letting their joined hands rest together on his thigh. Kai rubs circles into Taehyun's knee with a thumb, trying his best to ground him.
"I already have someone," he confesses barely above a whisper. "And—and it's… we're serious."
Taehyun's father isn't smiling anymore. He's still perplexed, after all this should be quite an easy confession. They've been begging for him to start dating for years, now.
"My apologies then, son?" he says, clearly lost. "When will you be bringing this beautiful lady to meet us?"
Beautiful lady, lady, lady, lady—he's driving himself in circles. There is no lady, there has been a lady, and there was never going to be a lady, he wants to scream until his body gives out and disintegrates into the floor. He wants to shriek that no matter what they want from him, he could never fulfill it.
The circles on his knee get deeper. Kai applies more pressure every round, and his pinkie squeezes tighter.
He takes a deep breath.
"There is no lady," he blurts, speaking before his mind can catch up with his mouth.
He couldn't let them harp on this imaginary daughter in law anymore, not when the love of his life is sitting next to him at the dinner table.
His father leans back in his chair while staring him down. On the contrary, his mother doesn't look at him at all: she resorts to looking down at the table at her untouched plate.
Kai's movement stops as well. He grips Taehyun's knee entirely now, allowing the love stemming from his fingertips to free him from what is chaining him.
"Eomma, appa," he repeats, mustering any last bit of confidence, bravery, that he so desperately needs right now. "Kai—Kai is my—"
Just one more word. Just one more word, and he's free from the monster that was haunting him his entire life, threatening to rip away everything he held dear. Now it would succeed in that, but the monster would finally stop plaguing every single action he took, it would repent for staining every conversation he had with his parents for the past two years, forcing him to lace his words with lies.
"Boyfriend," he finally swallows. "Kai is my boyfriend."
He always struggled to say the label out loud—boyfriend. Kai is able to say it with such ease, telling his loved ones that Taehyun was his boyfriend, his partner, his life companion, the love of his life, yet Taehyun could barely even vocalize that they were together.
His mother's eyes squeeze shut, holding back tears forming at the rims of her eyes. His father's head is in his hands, shaking side to side as if he could will this revelation away by just saying "no."
"Taehyunnie—Taehyunnie, no, what happened?" his mother sobs.
He expected this. He always knew that when the time came, his mother would cry, and his father would yell, as per all traditional household arguments.
Kai looks just about ready to bolt, eyes awaiting any signal from his boyfriend that they needed to leave. He completely interlaces his fingers with Taehyun, and holds on tight, like he's prepared to run out of the house with him.
He's a shaking, sobbing mess now. Wetness paints his face, transforming him into a sloppy, runny oil painting that shows anything but beauty. Unlike the strong head of the household he desperately wanted to become, he's reduced to a mess of tears like his mother. He can barely breathe in between sobs that suffocate the life out of him, squeezing every last bit as if he had not already given up enough.
"I'm—fuck—'m sorry, eomma," he hiccuped.
Kai holds his hand tighter like was trying to keep both of them composed. Instead of making any sound, he sits up straight, trying to look anywhere but the scene unfolding in front of him.
Taehyun knows there's nothing to apologize for, no rational person would hold this against him. But his parents aren't rational people in the slightest. To them, every single hope and dream they had—grandkids, a daughter in law, going to Taehyun's wedding—was robbed from them in broad daylight.
His father stands up, shaking the table while stabilizing himself. He's old now, yes, but the fear Taehyun has had for him since he was five didn't wane with age.
"Get out of my house," he grumbles.
"I—appa," Taehyun stutters. He can't salvage this.
"And you," he growls, finger pointing at Kai, "I let you in my home, I cover half of your rent, I greet you with open arms, my wife prepares a meal because our son's closest friend is visiting. But you're the one who ruined him? You ruin him, yet you gallivant into my home with a smile on your face?"
Kai stays quiet, trying to look unbothered. But his intensified clutching onto Taehyun seems to speak differently.
"It's—it's not his fault," Taehyun breathes heavily. "He didn't turn me into anything. I've—I've always been like this. Even when I was a little boy, even in school, it's me, appa. I'm the same baby you had twenty years ago. Can't you see?" he pleads, eyes wide. "Can't you see that I'm still your baby boy, appa, eomma?"
"Please stop, please stop, please stop," his mother begs, cries becoming more and more rapid, disoriented with each word. "You're scaring me, Taehyunnie."
"I tried," Taehyun forces the words out. "I tried so hard, and I… I still did everything right. I studied so hard, I got into m–med school, I—" his voice stutters. "I did everything right. I did everything you wanted. I tried to make it go away but—"
He stops to look at his father, whose gaze becomes even more stone cold as time drags.
"But it didn't," he finishes. "And he," Taehyun pulls their joined, shaking hands from under the table to show his father in a desperate move, "he's the only thing that feels right to me. Didn't you say I seemed so happy, appa? Why can't this be what makes me happy?"
His father exhales, still shaking his head. "Enough."
Taehyun stares, eyes bulging out of his head, tears littering his cheeks.
"Out," his father repeats, quieter than the first time. "Out."
—
Taehyun doesn't attempt to get into the driver's seat. He opens the door to the passenger side himself and curls into the seat with his knees to his chest, trying to see how little he can compress himself.
Kai reaches over to Taehyun's window and pulls up the grey privacy shield for him. He only hides himself more, not even able to look at Kai properly.
The car starts to move quietly throughout the dim lit street which was now utterly foreign to Taehyun—he was nothing better than an exile. He doesn't have a clue where they're heading, nor does he have the mental stamina right now to even think about planning ahead. As far as he knew, his life was ending right here and right now.
After about ten minutes of driving with no noises other than gentle taps on the steering wheel, Kai breaks the silence.
"Tyun," he calls out.
He wishes he had his earbuds on him right now. If he has to talk to anyone about that, he would break down into even more tears than he did at dinner.
"Taehyunnie," Kai tries again.
"Mm," he acknowledges, just barely.
"I love you."
Taehyun peeks over his knees, just barely twitching his eyes, and looks at Kai.
Kai, Kai who just watched his parents disown him, Kai who got into the car with him without a word, Kai who knew exactly what to do when he got into moods like this (and they both know how often it happens), Kai who made out with him in a gas station bathroom, Kai who was willing to hide his relationship for two years, Kai who loves him, Kai.
And fuck, he loves Kai too.
"I love you so much," he says back.
It slips off the tongue easier than it ever has before. Perhaps it was the fact that he already disappointed everyone who could possibly be disappointed in him for it, and he no longer had to let down the person who has coped with it their relationship.
He never believed in the phrase: if you've hit rock bottom, the only direction to go is up.
At least, not until now.
"Stop the car," Taehyun begs.
Kai looks rather alarmed and immediately pulls over into a random neighborhood park. Luckily, the specifics of where they stopped didn't matter much to Taehyun.
"Taehyunnie! Are you alri—"
Taehyun crawls over the console separating them and positions himself above Kai's lap. His knees are bracketing both sides of Kai, keeping him pressing against his seat.
"Kiss me," he interrupts. "Please."
Kai's eyes dart towards his window which, unlike Taehyun's, is not covered. There's people walking around the park, and they're not exactly in a "reserved spot."
Taehyun scoots closer to Kai's chest and rests his head on Kai's shoulder. He tilts it just enough so his lips are flat against the neck.
"There's a lot of people here, Taehyunnie—"
"I don't care," he murmurs against Kai's neck. "When have you ever cared?"
Color travels through Kai upon the touch. He bares his neck, giving the smaller more access to litter kisses however he chooses.
Kai's big hands find Taehyun's waist and his fingers dig in, gripping him frozen. Taehyun can't wiggle side to side anymore, so he opts to grind downwards into Kai while sucking even deeper on his neck. He can feel how… ready Kai is for him.
"Taehyunnie," Kai's voice cracks. "You're gonna—mm—you're gonna get us in trouble."
Even through his protests, he tilts his head farther back, offering even more to him.
Taehyun lifts himself up just a bit to nip right under Kai's ear, suck lightly, and then graze his teeth over it.
Kai whines into Taehyun's right ear with every kiss. His hands slide from his waist down to his ass, squeezing hard enough to elicit a strong gasp from Taehyun against his neck.
"Baby… there's so many people outside," Kai says with very, very little conviction.
"I said I don't care," he groans, muffled against Kai's throat. He bites down enough to leave a faint tooth mark, then licks right over it. "I need you, Kai."
Kai moans at the bite and jerks his hips up to meet Taehyun even closer.
"F–fuck, I love you," he hisses.
One hand leaves Taehyun's ass and fumbles to the side towards his window and yanks the privacy cover up. After he's done, his hand lands on Taehyun's soft hair.
Taehyun finds himself bored with just Kai's neck. He scoots back on Kai's lap to get a proper view of him—fucking beautiful—and grabs the back of his head to bring him down into a kiss.
It's different than the kiss in the gas station; now they really don't have anything to lose. They don't make an attempt to stay quiet or hidden, and it just gets sloppier by the second.
Taehyun whines his way into Kai's completely open mouth, tongue exploring every single crevice and occasionally meeting with Kai's. His hands fist into white hair, pulling every so often when he can't handle the solid millimeter of distance separating them.
He wants Kai inside now.
"Backseat," Kai pants against his lips.
Taehyun shakes his head, stubborn even now.
"No. Here."
"Tae—"
But he's already reaching down in between them, steady fingers working open Kai's pant zipper with practiced ease. He lifts his hips up just enough to be able to pull Kai's pants down to his thighs, and then boxers.
Taehyun jumps into another kiss while Kai returns the favor and bares him of lower clothes as well.
"Kai," he moans while grinding down on his bare cock. "Touch me."
He doesn't need to be told twice. Kai's hand trails down from his head to Taehyun's chest, rubbing over his nipple through his shirt. Rubbing turns to pinching, and when even that isn't enough, he rolls it in between fingers until Taehyun is mercilessly humping him.
"Kai, Kai, Kai, more," he begs.
Kai obliges, of course, and wraps his hand around both their cocks together, stroking them in sync
The feeling of being joined and touched makes Taehyun cry out softly, hips stuttering forward into Kai’s fist.
“Kai—ah—yes, like that—” he cries.
"S–so pretty, baby," Kai moans.
It's true. His boyfriend is so, so fucking pretty.
"Want more," Taehyun breathes out.
He rises up on his knees and angles himself towards Kai's limp other hand. The steering wheel presses awkwardly against his back, but every feeling other than Kai is completely zoned out. All Taehyun knows, lives for, and breathes is Huening Kai.
"Wait—wait, we need—" Kai starts, but Taehyun is already shamelessly reaching into the door compartment where they stashed lube a few weeks ago "just in case."
He pours some onto Kai's fingers and positions himself right above them before sinking all the way down on the pointer and middle.
"F–fuck, you're loose today," Kai stutters.
Taehyun doesn't respond with words and rocks down onto his thick fingers, fucking himself deeper with every roll of his hips. His mouth opens into a pretty "o" shape with each moan.
Kai tries to curl his fingers up into him, but Taehyun swats at his wrist with annoyance.
"Not yet," he murmurs. "I want you, not just your fingers."
Kai scissors inside Taehyun's hole with two fingers, stretching him enough to get him completely ready.
Taehyun finally lifts off of his fingers with a wet pop.
"Want your dick," Taehyun whispers against Kai's ear, making his blush a furious shade of red. Even after fucking nearly hundreds of times by now, Kai never got exactly… used to this version of Taehyun. He was hot as hell, too much for simple Kai to handle.
Kai drips the lube onto his palm and coats himself generously. Not even a second after he's glistening, Taehyun drops himself onto Kai's length.
"Baby, baby, slow down, you're gonna…"
But he can't tell Taehyun to stop with his entire heart, not when he's sinking down onto his head with a long, drawn out moan that sounds more angelic than the sounds of angels, assuming that Taehyun isn't one himself.
The stretch is so intense—Kai is huge—but Taehyun loves the sting more than anything. It reminds him that despite everything, Kai is still his, and the only price he has to pay is a little bit of pain until he can reach bliss. Taehyun keeps going until he's fully seated, ass pressed against Kai's strong thighs.
"Shit…" Kai's breaths come in short pants. "You're so… warm inside…"
Taehyun doesn't want to give him time to breathe—he just wants to go. He rises up again until only Kai's tip is inside of him, then slams himself all the way down again, hard enough where he swears the car shook.
He braces both of his hands on Kai's shoulders, using them as a platform to hoist himself up and down his dick while they're both sweaty, moaning messes.
Kai meets every single bounce with a thrust of hips to hit the spots he knows Taehyun enjoys so, so much. Both of their thighs are trembling, trying to hold themselves in long enough to stay in the moment.
When they usually have sex, it's never like this. Taehyun likes to let Kai be in control, do what he wants, use him, if he will. It's sort of a protectionary mechanism for him—as long as he isn't the one leading, or coming onto him, it wasn't his sin that he committed. Stupidly, even after entering a relationship, he still couldn't free himself of this ideology that he was sinning.
Now, he could sin as much as he fucking wanted.
As someone who loved to analyze, who dictated his life over analysis and reasonability, Taehyun was never able to make a proper cost-benefit analysis of what exactly he got out of suppressing his love. The only "benefit" he could think of was his parent's approval, but what happened after that? He gets married, has kids?
There's certainly a grave, horrific cost, though. He'd have to give up this—making love with his soulmate, holding his hand under tables, making out everywhere they could. He couldn't sacrifice that, not when it felt so, so good.
Taehyun grinds deeper, shifting around on Kai so he could feel him from every single inch and angle.
"Close—" Taehyun gasps. "I'm close."
"I know, baby." Kai thrusts up even harder. "You can come."
Taehyun uses his last bit of energy to ride deeper, allowing Kai to thrust in and out of his hole every single time. His face is buried into Kai's neck, crying with how good and intense he felt.
He bites down again as his orgasm finally arrives, spilling hot and sticky in between them. Kai follows just at the sight of him, hips pressing right against him while coming warm inside.
Taehyun's body is completely spent, and he slumps against Kai weaker than before. Their hearts pound in sync, so strong that they can feel each other through their chests.
"Love you," Kai whispers, voice hoarse from thousands of guttural moans that could almost definitely be heard from outside of their car. "So fucking much, Taehyunnie. How many times have I told you that today?"
"Only three," Taehyun grumbles against Kai's chest. He doesn't even have the energy to lift his head up, or himself off of Kai's cock.
Kai presses more kisses to the top of Taehyun's head and wraps his arms around him.
"I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts, sometimes," Kai says into his hair.
"It's never going to hurt again," Taehyun mumbles lazily. "I'm never going to hide you again. I'm going to show everyone in the world how you make me feel."
The car is so quiet compared to what it was five minutes ago—filled with moans and skin slapping. He clenches weakly around Kai's softening cock which is still buried inside, just to maintain their connection for a bit longer. He doesn't ever want to let go.
There was no noise in Taehyun's mind anymore, no expectations, no fear. Just Kai's heartbeat resounding in his ear, a reminder of what he fought for today.
"I really did it," Taehyun realizes out loud.
"You did," Kai chuckles softly and squeezes Taehyun's thigh with both encouragement and affection. "You really fucking did it, and I'm so proud of you."
Taehyun swallows hard. He doesn't want to ruin the moment by crying, but his eyes are stinging and blurry and he knows exactly what's coming.
"I'm scared, I think? I don't know. They won't ever speak to me again, and I—"
"Shhh," Kai interrupts him. He always knows exactly when Taehyun is about to spiral into hell and back. "Maybe they won't ever speak to you again. But you aren't gonna lose me, and whenever we're ready, my family will welcome you with open arms. My mom already says you're her favorite son-in-law and that she likes you more than Lea's husband even though we're not married yet."
Taehyun lets out a combination of a sob and a laugh.
"Yet?"
"I mean—fuck, yeah. Yeah. Yet."
"Yet," Taehyun repeats to his chest with a small smile forming.
That "yet" gives Taehyun a future to look forward to. It's not a future that's manufactured by the people who want to gut his true self, not a future that stands to serve everyone but him. It's a future which, finally, for the first time since he was thirteen, he could acknowledge and feel excited for at the same time.
In the soft light of their car, he's naked, vulnerable, yet feels so painfully secure despite everything.
"I love you, Kai" Taehyun says against his collarbones, so rich and deep to where he prayed his love would enter Kai and grow flowers and leaves. "I really, really love you."